Somewhat supercalifragilistic, but grateful

I've been talking a lot lately about how good can come out of bad and today I can once more see this happening in my life. I've found pleasure in a new creative activity; I'm walking closer to God; and I'm feeling secure in the love of my friends.

There have been symptoms of depression lately, as some of my recent posts have shown (or "supercalifragelisticexpialidocius" as Susan would call it - see her comment at this recent post). It has been hard to do the things I need to do, I've experienced a lot of anxiety and an undercurrent of tearfulness. Yesterday my doctor put me on prozac. He wants me to take a therapeutic dose and then carry on with a maintenance dose once I'm back to normal.

I've done a lot of things to help me deal with this episode and they have been working well. One thing that has caused me to feel ashamed is that I believe I rely too heavily on my friends. This feeling is probably as bad as it is because of depression's negative thinking. To counteract this I've tried to cling to God more. If I go to my friends because they love me and I love them, then shouldn't I go to God in the same way - because he loves me and I love him? I started making my journal entries into "Dear God" letters. As a result I have started feeling closer to him. That has given me a lot of comfort.

I have been very open with my best friend about what is going on with my feelings and my thoughts. As a result she is reaching out to me, calling me every day. What a comfort that has been! At a time when I needed to hear it spelled out, she told me she loved me. When I felt I was contacting her too much, she assured me that I could call her anytime. What a comfort this assurance was to me! This friend exemplifies what Christian support can be. She is very much a follower of Christ and through her, my own faith is encouraged to grow. She makes me feel worthy; she makes me feel loved. And that is so important for a person going through depression.

Other good things that have come out of this "supercalifra...." : I've given myself a break from pushing mental health awareness, allowing time to prepare my heart for Christmas. I'm finding comfort in playing with making pictures. My inner child, that needy part of me, is being fed with the things it needs right now: creativity, peace, and love.

...and I am grateful. And God is good.

Puttering with pictures

I've been puttering with pictures, drawing with India ink and then painting with watercolors. Making pictures to use as Christmas gifts is helping me look forward to Christmas. The picture above was made using a photograph my husband took in Dubrovnik earlier this year.

But it's time to leave play time behind for a while. Today I'm trying to focus on planning meals for the next few days (which I've done now - "yeah!!") and shopping for groceries. It has been such a long time since I've felt up to shopping. Our kitchen also needs a good tidying job. Then, tonight, perhaps I will have deserved to play my favorite game with my husband. We will play Ticket to Ride, a game involving a bit of luck and a lot of strategy.

This morning I read something in my Bible that inspired me. Jesus - at a time when he was tired and hungry - said, "My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work." (John 4:34) I think that's the best kind of food for me as well and I will soon need to leave my child behind and continue doing what I believe God made me to do: helping Christians learn to understand and support those with mental health issues. That kind of "food" is healthy for me and makes me feel strong. I think that when Jesus said this, ministering to the woman at the well, he was revived and no longer felt tired or hungry.

I'm not too sure about whether making pictures is food for my spirit. Not sure whether God made me to be an artist...though I did have a bit of fun. Drawing makes me feel like a child again and my childhood wasn't a particularly happy one. It's time to leave my child behind and be a grown-up again. I want to be strong. I want the healthy food - doing the will of God.

Have a blessed weekend everyone. May you, too, find food to make you healthy and strong.

...and don't forget to check my new article online.

"Do you want to get well?"

There's a story in the Bible about a man who has been crippled for a long time. Before Jesus heals him, he asks the man, "Do you want to get well?" Today I ask myself that question. I've so grasped onto this idea that I am now depressed that I'm not letting it go. I've so adjusted my thoughts to trying to do battle with this that I'm now focusing too much on it. I need to free myself from this and live as though it doesn't exist - as though it has no right to exist.

Susan gave a suggestion in her comment to my last post. She said, "My latest technique, brainswitching, also works for me. Whenever I think I'm feeling low, I don't use the word "depressed" and don't worry about being depressed. Rather I come up with a childhood word, for me it's Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, from the film Mary Poppins. It makes me smile and doesn't allow the brain kindling to happen."

I like your term "brain kindling", Susan. That is indeed what seems to have happened within me. And "brainswitching"... that is indeed what I need to do. I need to act as though I'm not depressed. I need to think I'm not depressed. I should not talk about being depressed. Instead I'm trying to color my world by making pictures.

I will try to accept God's healing touch and move forward.

By the way, please check out my new article on how Christians can support people with depression. It just went online yesterday.

I've gone and hit a low

Well, what's been threatening for a while and what I kept trying to push away has come upon me. I have to admit that I'm into a bit of a depression. Not a bad one so far - and I pray that this will not become a bad one. I'm determined not to let that happen. Please, God, don't let that happen.

I can see now that the anxiety I've been feeling so much in recent days is just part of depression. It's just part of negative thinking.

So...I must make some plans to help me cope with this. Perhaps I can lift myself out quickly - if lifting myself out is at all possible. I have to remember, though, that I need to trust God and not think that I have to do it all by myself.

So...what can I do to stay out of the pit?

• I'll make an appointment with my psychiatrist and get started on some prozac. I've never had trouble with this pushing me into mania, so I trust it.
• I'll go to the gym or walk daily.
• I'll talk to my best friends daily, explaining to them why I need to do that right now.
• I'll give myself some manageable goals for each day.
• I'll keep puttering with pictures as much as I can.
  
• I'll write "Dear God" entries in my journal, telling God about what I'm going through and asking for his help.
• I'll write down whatever things help me most so that I can share them later with Living Room members.
• I'll try to bring brightness into my days by doing things that help other people.
• I'll read and meditate on the Psalms.
• I'll try to write Psalms, first expressing my pain, then praising God.
• I'll remember that God loves me and that my friends love me and I will thank God for that.

Please, God, I pray, help this not become too bad. Help me to be well for Christmas.

Art for comfort

I've been having off and on days when I feel like depression is threatening and have been trying to treat it in whatever way I can with healing activities. Yesterday I felt insecure, like I used to feel as a child. Why does that happen to me? Maybe I need some counseling.

I remember well one day when I was a seven-year old at a health treatment center (where I had to stay for six traumatic weeks - away from my family). I had accidentally gotten locked up in a bathroom and was left behind when all the other children went for a walk in the forest. I panicked and yelled and screamed and cried. A nurse heard me and let me out. As I cried bitterly, she comforted me and took me to a table by a bright window. There she set me to drawing and coloring. I will never forget how I felt and how doing the creative work helped me through this time.

So now when I'm feeling a bit down - or insecure as I did yesterday - I feel like that child once more as I draw and paint. Creative work is a wonderful healer. And I have something to show for it at the end.

The drawing I posted here is partially copied from another drawing as an exercise. It's set in my native country, Holland. I'd like to post some more original work but my husband has to hook my scanner up to the computer first. Currently I most enjoy - and have the most success - drawing European street scenes with India ink and then painting them with watercolors. I can do them because they involve straight lines and I can handle those. I've been working from photographs my husband took earlier this year.

Unconditional love

In their book, New Light on Depression, David Biebel, C.Min. and Harold Koenig, M.D. wrote, "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope." I find this a powerful statement.

I believe that when we feel loved by our friends and by God, no matter what we do or say - and when we love others in the same way - all our emotional and spiritual needs end up being met, even if indirectly.

When we love and are loved unconditionally and non-judgmentally:

• we feel good about ourselves
• we feel secure
  
• we care enough about ourselves to want to take good care of ourselves
• we find out that it is more gratifying to give than it is to receive
  
• we want to do our best to make our life count for something - to do God's work
  
• we are able to be more forgiving
• we are encouraged in our faith in God
  
• faith in God leads to having faith in what he provides, including medical treatment
• faith in God leads to hope

No wonder Jesus said what he did: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40.

The Bible also says, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

So much of our ability to deal with depression hangs on how we give and receive love.

I'm seething

I've been happy lately about how I'm able to control my anger, especially towards those who don't understand mental illness. I wrote recently about how we have to be patient with and learn to be understanding of those who don't understand. But sometimes my patience wears very thin and I purely seethe. This morning is one of those times.

Once again I heard of a pastor telling a person with bipolar disorder that she doesn't need her pills if she believes in God. That is SO irresponsible. Such advice could easily have tragic results. If such pastors only knew and understood what they are dealing with. They are dealing with a potentially fatal disease. It is estimated that between 15 and 20% of people suffering from bipolar disease will commit suicide. Up to 50% will attempt suicide.

For a Christian to tell another Christian not to take psychotropic medication is the same as a Jehovah's witness telling someone not to have a blood transfusion. It's backwards. God has provided for us in the form of medication. We should be grateful that they exist and accept them if they are helpful.

I have said this before: The brain is an organ of our body and, like any other organ of our body, can have something go wrong with it. We should be thankful that scientists have developed medications that can treat our diseases.

I follow Christ and am doing what I believe God wants me to do. My life is full and joyful. With God's help I'm helping others who suffer from mental illness. Yet I would not have the life I have or be able to do these things if I were not taking medications. I'm on a mood stabilizer and two antipsychotics and they keep me stable. I need them, I trust them, and I thank God for them.

Amazing how this happens...

Yesterday was another Living Room meeting. And it is truly amazing how I come away from those meetings feeling a wonderful, quiet joy - a rejuvenation. When I started facilitating Living Room I had never expected these deep feelings of peace - this holy joy - would be my reward. Something magical happens. And I have never been more stable or felt as complete as I do today. I know it's because God is truly present at Living Room. He is in this work; I am not doing it alone.

Other members of the group have similar reports. Those two session of Living Room each month help them stay well. They learn to cope. They learn to trust God. They learn not to be ashamed of their disorder. And we have a great time together, having lunch, studying scripture, and sharing from our hearts.

If you're new to this blog you may be wondering what on earth I'm talking about. Living Room is a faith-based support group for people with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders. It's a church ministry that's in partnership with the Mood Disorders Association here in BC. There are now three groups and a fourth and fifth are in the planning stages.

If this sounds like an interesting concept to you, please check the Living Room website here. You will find the what, how, and why of it all. The manuals went online today in pdf format, ready for you to download. These will explain how to set up a group of your own and how to facilitate a group. Please feel free to email me if you'd like more information.

At the age of 42...

The last comment on my last post and my probably-far-too-long response prompts me to explain something that has been of utmost importance in my life.

At the age of 42, after spending most of my life up to that point not believing in God, I decided to give him a try. I was going through a particularly horrendous time with psychosis and thought to myself "What if there IS something to this belief in God that people have? What if God is real? Could he help me? I can't keep hanging on by myself. I'm tired of the struggle and can't do it anymore."

I began researching God in the public library, not ready yet for church. Though I had been brought up in a Christian home, it was as though I knew nothing about God. I had to start from the bottom - this time with an open heart, a heart ready to receive. I found a book by Marjorie Holmes called "Are You There, God?" It sounded like it was written especially for me. I gradually became eager to read the Bible and to spend time alone with God in prayer. Spending this quiet time gave me peace. It comforted me during difficult times. Gradually I also came to understand what Jesus had done for me on the cross and I became a Christian.

Believing in God meant that I could put my trust in him. No need to hang on in fear, using my own inadequate willpower. I had for so long had to stay strong in an effort to survive, in an effort to keep my sanity. Having God meant I could relax my grip, knowing I was no longer alone. God loved me and would take care of me. My life - still very difficult - improved because my faith helped me cope.

My faith gave me a reason for living. It gave my life meaning. It was soon after my conversion that I took up the cause to try to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. I started writing articles and my book, Riding the Roller Coaster. Being open about my disorder and writing about it was healing. It was a big step toward recovery.

Today my battles against stigma have taken on much greater proportions. I have another book, A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder, ready for publication. And I've founded Living Room, a faith-based support organization. I'm speaking out more than ever before. This is not always an easy thing to do. Many times I feel overwhelmed and alone in the battle. But then I know I need to remember that it's not my work - it's God's work I'm doing. It's his plans I'm carrying out - plans to make the world a better place; I'm only a foot-soldier.

I trust God to keep me well and strong. God has provided me with a psychiatrist who understands meds well and knows what works best for me. God has brought people into my life who support me with a Christ-like love. God has given me a purpose to live for. He has given me people to care for. My life is in his hands.

And - by following God - good has come out of bad.

The truth about it all

Tonight I found an awful comment to my article about Finding Meaning in my Life with Bipolar Disorder. The person had lost her home and her family and had some pretty mean words about my views. And it made me think: am I being far too positive in my approach? Tonight I feel dreadful about it, knowing how much suffering there is and the great losses people suffer as a result of the illness - losing everything, and even their lives to it.

My life is turning out well, though I too went through pure hell for much of my adult life. I've been fortunate in every way. Yet I mustn't overlook the great tragedy of this disease. I shouldn't be too proud of my positive spirit. Once in a while I should think about others and grieve for the many who are experiencing hell. Perhaps I should learn to cry a bit more for all those who are in such pain, instead of flaunting my personal good fortune.

I feel for that person who was so angry with me and I can't blame her for feeling the way she does.

A promise of hope

I've been reading a new book, A Promise of Hope, by Autumn Stringam. That book has been getting a lot of press here in Vancouver. In the past week five people alerted me to her and her story.

I was concerned because the cover of the book says that the story is about a "miraculous treatment that cured her." She takes a herbal concoction and has been symptom free for ten years. What concerns me is that there are many who will hear her story and want to go off their medication, opting instead for this "miracle cure." There are already too many people refusing to take the medications their doctor prescribes.

I was happy to see that there is an afterword by Charles Popper, M.D. from the Harvard Medical School warning that there have not yet been controlled scientific studies done to prove that this treatment will be helpful to significant numbers of people or that it's safe over the long run. In the same way that not everyone responds well to a certain medication, not everyone will respond well to the treatment Stringam discovered. I just hope that whoever hears her story will heed what Dr. Popper has to say about all this.

I'm about halfway through the book and am truly impressed with how well it's written. Her description of her mother's battle with bipolar and then her own are vivid. They're so vivid that I am finding myself getting depressed just reading it. But we want people who don't yet understand to learn what kind of hell we sometimes live through, don't we? So perhaps it's a good thing.

How this brings home to me what my life would be like right now if I weren't receiving effective treatment! How this points out the serious nature of our disease!

Stringam is a fellow Christian and in the last bit I read she was ready to take her life when she happened upon a passage from Isaiah that gave her peace and a renewed will to live. For her - as for me - faith in God provided the hope she needed to keep going.

Read my book online

My publisher, Wood Lake Books told me yesterday that if you go to their website and do a search for my book, Riding the Roller Coaster, you will be able to read 20% of the book online. You won't be able to download it, but reading it online will give you a good idea of what the book is like. It's also possible to order the book there, directly from them. Hope you will take a look.

Steadfast love

Yesterday our pastor Don Dyck ended his sermon by talking about a beautiful Hebrew word for which there is no single English word. "Hesed" can be variously translated as "loving kindness", "steadfast love", "loyal devotion", "mercy." Hesed is descriptive of God's relationship with his people as well as relationships among people. God's steadfast love (hesed) towards people places them in a new relationship with each other shaped by the same love they have experienced from God. Hesed is Christ-like love.

Micah 6:8 says "And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy ("hesed") and to walk humbly with your God."

God calls us to live a life that exceeds the requirements that the law, social standards - and even God - places on us. He calls us to walk humbly with God and to reflect God's character. Hesed is both and attitude and the action that grows out of that attitude. It describes God's love for his people. Out of that hesed, God says "no matter who you are or what you do, I'm going to love you anyway, I'm going to redeem you anyway." It's unconditional love.

Pastor Don's notes say that "ordinary people become part of something bigger than themselves as they live faithfully by this standard."

I have a good friend who lives a lifestyle marked by hesed. She works wonders in the lives of people she touches. She has worked wonders in my life. In treating me with God's steadfast love, she has taught me what Christ's love is truly like. She and the spirit of God within her have inspired me to try and live likewise.

God's spirit has been within me since I became a Christian, but I have not always responded to his promptings to the extent I could have. My friend has been a mentor to me, helping me live with more abundant hesed. And this has changed me.

...and my mental health has never been as stable. I have never felt as fulfilled. I'm doing the work God made me to do - and it all came from my God-given lifestyle of hesed. Thank God for what he's done for me and where he's brought me.

Living Room website now online

Just a quick post to let you know that Living Room's new website is now online. Check out www.livingroomsupport.org.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Cornelius and Jeannette of Matchbox Creative for the superb job they did of putting this together. I did not know there was so much to think of when creating a website, but Cornelius knew just what was needed for a truly excellent site. He patiently helped me come up with all the information I needed to provide. Jeannette is responsible for making the site look attractive. It's a place where people will want to spend some time.

Tonight I rest because tomorrow is the big day when 100 Huntley Street will be interviewing me and taping a session of Living Room. Please remember me in your prayers tomorrow morning.

Why the stigma?

Why don't people within the church feel comfortable discussing mental health issues?

I think a major reason is that people don't understand mental illness enough to be able to talk about it. They need education. The problem is, they often don't want to be educated. Often it is fear. People fear what they don't understand and they can't get beyond the block that creates.

In churches and in Christian writing the reason for emotional problems has frequently - very frequently - been attributed to spiritual problems. A person attending a Living Room group recently told us of how - when she told her pastor that she was being treated for depression - he told her to "praise the Lord and you will feel better." Instead of receiving compassion, he gave her the message that all she needed to do was to turn to God. In other words, if her relationship with God was better, she would not be depressed. It was as though he was blaming her for the depression.

Illnesses like depression are too often not recognized as the diseases they are. If the problem is emotional it is believed that it is within our own power to change. If the problem is within our mind, it is believed it is our own fault. People have trouble understanding that the brain is an organ and, like any other organ of our body, something can go wrong with it. This affects our feelings, our thinking, and our behavior. This is what people - especially Christians - need to understand.

How are we going to change this faulty thinking?

I think that what would help would be for church congregations to hear testimonies from people with mental illness. They need to hear stories that illustrate the medical nature of their disease. They need to hear that people can be good Christians while, at the same time, dealing with mental health issues.

Stigma within the church is the most damaging, more so than stigma within secular society. This is because a person's faith in God comes into question. When a person is struggling with mental illness, the worst thing for him to hear is that his relationship with God is at fault or that it's the devil causing the emotional turmoil.

The church, as the body of Christ with its message of His unconditional love, is in the best position to help people with mental illness. Christians are in the best position to give Christ-like support. This is the kind of support we who suffer expect from them. This kind of support will help us keep the faith we so badly need. But Christians need to educate themselves; they need to learn to understand; they need to be compassionate and not judge.

Why my better emotional health?

My husband says that - in the 42 years he has known me - he has never seen me so emotionally stable. This has been a very good year for me, with only two months of true depression. This depression was relatively mild. I continued to function and Living Room was not interrupted in any way. There were some minor glitches, but I overcame all of those in short order.

Over the past while I've been asking myself why that is. Why this increased stability? Why this normalcy for a person who is still thoroughly bipolar? I think there are a number of factors that are helping me stay so well:

1. The medication cocktail I'm presently taking is a good one for me. How fortunate I am! I take my pills religiously.
2. I continue to look after my physical health, exercising as much as I can and trying to eat healthy.
   
3. The writing I've been doing has been very therapeutic - both my latest book and my blog. (also my numerous emails to friends) What has been especially healing is the opportunity to talk about my faith in God. There's something about sharing my testimony that makes me feel closer to God and that gives me a sense of peace and wholeness.
4. I'm wonderfully supported by my church friends, including my pastor. I feel secure knowing that I'm loved and that they will help care for my emotional needs.
5. Living Room has made me into a supporter, taking me out of the victim role. My current concerns are much more about how to look after others than about how to look after me. I feel fulfilled looking after other people.
   
6. At each meeting of Living Room I have an opportunity to talk a bit about how our faith can help make us whole. I love this teaching - always wanted to be a teacher.
   
7. Having opportunities to share God's love with people gives me a lot of joy. I wrote my books with love for the people I wrote for, but those were faceless people - people I couldn't see. Now they're sitting around the table with me, in flesh and blood. It's good to be close to them and to truly get to know them.
8. I have found a purpose for my life: helping to support those with mental illness and helping churches learn how to support people with mental illness. I want to reduce the stigma within the church. I want to educate. This work is God-given. I know because of the joy and fulfillment it brings me. I have found meaning in my life with bipolar disorder.
9. Through all the above, I've learned to be confident and hopeful about my ability to be well.
10. I get up early and have at least two hours of quiet time each morning: time to meditate, journal, read my Bible, pray. It is my time with God.
    
11. I've learned not to try to do everything on my own, instead allowing God to lead me. It's God's work I'm doing. I'm only doing the legwork - I'm his servant. (I often forget and try to carry it under my own power, getting stressed by it. But I try hard to remember to lean on God.)
12. I trust God and have Jesus Christ as my Savior. I try my best to be a follower of Christ, remembering him as an example of the unconditional love I should have for others. And it's amazing how giving that kind of love brings joy.

Understanding article

An article I wrote went online yesterday. I had blogged about it a while ago. I wrote it for people with mental health issues. The purpose is to build understanding, to build bridges, and to help all people reduce stigma.

Unfortunately one person must have misunderstood where I was coming from, because the editor and I received a scathing email from him. He called me unethical and unchristian. Needless to say, I feel sick about it.

Please have a look at it. Am I really off base with this article? I know this is a new way of looking at the problem of stigma. But I believe that my approach is valid. What do you think?

TV interview coming

I'm excited, but a bit worried too, about an upcoming interview I'm doing with the national Christian TV show, 100 Huntley Street. They approached me a while back about discussing my life and my ministry with them. The reporter found me through the articles I had published on www.canadianchristianity.com. Doing this is like a dream come true. I had always thought I would like to be on that show. Such an excellent venue to talk about faith and mental illness. I had thought I would approach them once my new book is out. But amazingly they approached me.

The reason I'm a bit worried is because in recent days, when talking about Living Room, my mouth hasn't worked too well. I've found it hard to express what I want to say.

Perhaps I've been too steeped in all this work lately. My son and his wife are creating a Living Room website, a job that requires a lot of input from me. A new Living Room has started in Abbotsford and another is looking into starting up in that same city. I've been working on devotional samples as well. And then there was the book proposal I sent to an agency recently. Also I get quite a few phone calls from people needing support. Altogether, I've been doing a lot of mental health work. (So you can see why I've slowed down so much on my blogging.)

I must do some work around the house. Start trying to cook some decent meals again. Balance my life out a bit.

And I need to do a lot of praying. I need a lot of prayer from my friends - including you. Please pray that my interview on October 26th (an all-day affair) goes well. Please pray that I will be able to speak clearly and express the passion I feel for this work.

Practicing God's presence

The church ladies' group I attend is examining prayer. We want to learn how to pray better. I know there's no right or wrong way to pray - after all, it's only talking to God. Being yourself with him is the most important thing. But I do have trouble, mostly staying focused. When I pray I so easily become distracted. My thoughts always turn elsewhere.

I wish I could be like Brother Lawrence, the monk who lived in the 1600's and became famous for how he was able to practice the presence of God throughout the day. I'm studying a book about him, hoping that I, too, will learn how to do that-a bit, anyway.

One thing I came up with, though, was that being continuously thankful to God - making a habit of that - will draw us closer to God. I've experienced many feelings of closeness to God when I take the time to thank him for things. Mark Buchanan, in his book, The Rest of God, talks about this.

Buchanan refers to C.S. Lewis's Narnia Chronicles and the wardrobe through which some children found themselves in a magical land:

"The best way I know to embody...Godward orientation is thankfulness. Thankfulness is a secret passageway into a room you can't find any other way. It is the wardrobe into Narnia. It allows us to discover the rest of God--those dimensions of God's world, God's presence, God's character that are hidden, always, from the thankless."

Buchanan goes on to say that the first orientation to finding God's rest "...is to practice, mostly through thankfulness, the presence of God until you are utterly convinced of his goodness and sovereignty, until he's bigger, and you find your rest in him alone."

The Bible says: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Through thanksgiving-in all circumstances-we can find peace, rest, joy.

We talked about all this at Living Room yesterday. Then we took time to pray together, each of praying prayers of thanks. It was powerful. I came away from that meeting not feeling my usual tired joy; I felt a rested, peaceful joy.

Trouble is: now I just want to sit around and keep feeling that wonderful sense of peace. But I have work to do. Will I be able to keep praying as I work? That will be a challenge.

Back at last

I feel badly. I've been ignoring my blogging for so long - trapped in so many must-do's - mind like a mass of webs, not able to break loose and focus here. Don't get me wrong - I am well - just scattered into too many directions - not feeling free to slow down and spend some time with my blogging friends. And I'm feeling somewhat ashamed of it, because the blogging has always been important to me and the connections I've made here have always been important to me.

I don't have any great words of wisdom to share today. But I am happy to report that I've sent a proposal for my book to a Christian literary agency, hopeful that they might consider representing me. This getting up and doing something with my book is a big thing for me. It's been on the shelf for such a long time. For so long I felt too busy with stuff to even think about it.

Yeah, life is busy. Too many things I want to do. Do any of you bipolars ever feel like an octopus? I guess that's where I've been for a while. Though I need to stress, I am well - thankfully not too high and not too low.

I hope to give myself some time soon to catch up on everyone's blogs. If not today, tomorrow. And I hope to write more over the next while as well.