Taking a wee break

Hi everyone,

I feel bad that I haven't posted anything for awhile. It's been hard to focus on it. Though I know I'm depressed, please don't think things are hugely bad. But I know I have to pace myself. Unfortunately blogging is one thing I will have to put on hold. I truly hope it won't be too long - because I do love to share here.

Take care and may God bless you.

marja

Distractions and uncertainties

Wow, have I been wanting to write here! But the time never seemed to be right. There have been so many distractions in my life keeping me from doing the reading and writing I would just love to do. Yet, I have been photographing. And that's good.

The photography has been good relief from all the heavy stuff that has been happening for me lately. The pictures here were taken at our church picnic a week ago. I've come to look on photography as a form of worship. So glad I've been able to focus a bit on that in the midst of the troubles and uncertainties I presently live with!

My mother is still in hospital, so we are still uncertain as to when we can take a break away or whether we'll be able to get away at all. Last Tuesday was especially difficult. While my husband and I visited her she had a heart attack - mild, but I could see we almost lost her. Things turned out ok though. She recovered and today she is perky, crocheting in her bed and wanting very much to go home.

That same Tuesday two other close friends were admitted to the same hospital. Thank goodness, though. One was sent home yesterday. And the other one is doing delightfully better.

On top of all these happenings, I went to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit on Thursday and Friday. Such a wonderful event! I learned so much! Though I must say it was an awful lot to take in. One of the speakers said it was "like drinking from a fire hydrant." That's one reason I played hookey Thursday afternoon. Another reason I skipped out was that I was fed so much good stuff Thursday morning that I needed to go home and digest it and journal about it.

The topics I found so useful were on team building and casting vision. I so need to try harder passing along the passion I have for Living Room to the people I'd like to work with. Because yes, I am trying to build a team to help me with the broader work of Living Room - the work outside my own group that meets at my church. In September Living Room will have its fifth anniversary and I have for a long time very much needed a team, built of people from my church, to help me carry the vision forward in a stronger way.

But right now it's summertime. And I need to take some time to relax and read. Time to get my mind away from Living Room. Time for myself.

Today I pray to God that I will be able to discipline myself to quieten myself and spend some time reading and focusing on Him.

Mom

It's 3:30 in the morning and I am wide awake, ready for the day. Wow has my sleep cycle ever gone awry! I've been going to sleep earlier and earlier and waking up increasingly earlier. Yesterday morning it was 4:00. This morning before 3:30. And yet, I feel that I'm getting enough sleep. It's only in the evening that I start fading.

This morning I awoke thinking of my mom. She has been in hospital for a week now with congestive heart failure. The seriousness of this is starting to sink in. She continues to have chest pain and shortness of breath.

Mom will probably never be as able to look after herself as she has. She will probably have a lot of trouble walking and be in need of someone to help her go to the bathroom and get dressed. And yet, when I visited her yesterday, her spirit was still all there. She was a delight to visit. And she is still crocheting - even in her hospital bed.

The truth is starting to sink in. Mom probably won't live long with this condition. Prognosis is poor for people of any age. And for a 96-year-old it must be so much worse. But I must talk to her doctor about this. Maybe today if he's available.

So glad Living Room is having a break this month. When I planned to take a break I didn't know all this stuff with Mom was going to happen. God must have known I would need the break and led me. And I need to let Him keep leading me.

Just don't know now what will happen with our holiday to the Chilcotin. We long for it so much. But Mom will have to be stable if we are to go. And I don't know if I would want to leave if she were still in the hospital. Don't think I'd enjoy myself. I'd just worry. It probably wouldn't be the responsible thing to do.

After church today there will be a picnic in the park across the street. I look forward to that. Will bring my camera and photograph all the children. I've been wanting to do that for a long while. This would be a good opportunity.

And yet I'm feeling a sadness. Guess that's understandable and okay. I look forward to the light breaking outside so I can go sit out there. It's always healing to spend time on the patio - time with God.

The picture is one I took of my mom and dad many years ago. It's an accurate reflection of their spirit and good sense of humour. That spirit is still alive in Mom now and how I appreciate it! And how I will miss her when she's gone!

Daisies galore

Yesterday morning I sat once more on the patio in my muskoka chair enjoying my delicious quiet time as the day broke. Waiting - my camera ready - for the sun to rise over the cedars to illuminate the daisies. Hoping that I would be able to capture the little finches - or whatever those little birds are that have been coming around - as they played amongst those flowers I love so much.

But alas, all that came was a hummingbird, buzzing for a moment by the fuschias. And then, lo and behold, a raccoon came down out of the cedars, walking towards me. I managed a quick shot of it.

Later, while I was on my third mug of coffee, the light on the daisies was good and I was able to shoot them at their best. They're wonderful, even if there aren't any little birds playing amongst them. Such a clean beauty - such free flowers - such an expression of joy.


I'm so grateful for this peaceful morning time - time to enjoy God's creation and experience His presence.

On a not-so-wonderful note: My 96-year-old mother is in hospital, probably with a blood clot in her lungs. Also a heart problem. Our holiday is cancelled and life has become a bit strange. A focus on Mom while trying to enjoy some rest, even if we can't go away.

Yet I'm thankful for these quiet times. Thankful for the joy my daisies bring.

Chickadees in the daisies

A wonderful morning quiet time on the patio this has been - lots of time to think and pray. But in future I must keep my camera handy as I sit out there. This morning a flock of chickadees came by, spending quite a bit of time in the Shasta daisies just a few feet away from where I sat. What pictures that would have made! Little birds in the midst of my favourite flowers.

I've been doing a lot of praying about next week's holiday we were planning with our motorhome. Don't know if it can happen. My mother has come down with the flu - bad news for a 96-year-old. Pretty hard to go far away, so far out of reach of her.

Other things are happening. We had our cat Max in to the vet a couple of days ago for tests. He has all the symptoms of diabetes. If that's what it is, we may end up being tied down more than ever. Imagine having to give him insulin shots daily! And our neighbour, who usually looks after him when we're gone, would not be able to do this. My husband and I are the only ones who can really get close to him. We should find out the test results today.

Besides all this, there are at least three friends who are needing a bit of care. I'd really like to help two of them out with a pot of soup or something. Would have liked to do this earlier, but I just didn't have the time. And one of them I worry about and feel I need to stay close to right now.

Ah, but how I looked forward to going to the Chilcotin! It's a special place for us. Quiet. Very few people. Good fishing for Wes and wonderful quiet times for me. I looked forward to lots of uninterrupted reading. Time with God and with my husband. We needed that time.

This morning, though, I thought of a park close to town where we could alternatively go for a few days. We could be close to Mom and keep tab on her daily. Golden Ears Park is beautiful, with lots of good hiking trails. Maybe this is where God wants us to go for now. We'll see.

Today is a Living Room day. Thank God I haven't had too much to do to prepare. Mark, my co-facilitator will lead the devotional time. So good to have him as a partner. Not that I don't like doing devotionals. It's a blessing to do so. But things have been terribly busy and it has been good to have someone else do the preparation instead of me.

Today's meeting will be the last of the summer. We will take August off to rest and relax.

The picture? My husband Wes at a lake in the Chilcotin. Note the loon in the background. I just love the cry of the loon in the stillness.

Out on a limb

Oh, do I ever want to share Pastor Don's sermon about Zacchaeus with you today! At least parts of the very meaty, inspiring, Spirit-filled message that came through to me yesterday. I've been trying to transcribe bits of the sermon which is online in its entirety for you to listen to right here. Yes, I've been trying to transcribe, but it's so hard. There's just too much good stuff and transcribing word by word is hard. I'll zero in on a wee bit though:

You all know the story, I'm sure. Zacchaeus, the short, greedy and rich tax collector, in a very undignified manner climbed a tree so he could have a look at Jesus passing by. He was curious to see this person who seemed to like people like him - people who had been rejected by others. I think he must have had a deep longing for someone who would love and accept him.

To his surprise, Jesus looked up and said to him, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." (Luke 19:5) In Pastor Don's words, "It turns out that, while Zacchaeus was on a quest to see Jesus he discovers that Jesus is on a quest to find him." Yes that's exactly the way God works, isn't it? I've found it out in my own life. When we seek God, we'll always find Him, because He's actually seeking us as well. And how good that feels! To know that we mean so much to God that - though the world is filled with such multitudes of people, we are special enough to God that He seeks us out.

Pastor Don continues: "All around us people are seeking - searching for something. They have tried different things but nothing is working for them. They haven't rejected Jesus; they've rejected the legalistic religion in the church. If they would just meet someone who is a follower of Christ who would see them the way Jesus sees them, not wanting to just dump a bunch of religion on them! [but just listen to them.]"

"Contrast how the people in the crowd saw Zacchaeus and how Jesus saw him. When Jesus sees us he sees someone different than what we see. If we would only see ourselves the way Jesus see us, our lives would be instantly transformed." and "If we would only see others the way Jesus sees us! Jesus invites us to see people in the way he sees them. He sees people of great value and great worth."

So good - isn't it? to know God loves us so much. So good to know we can pass on that love to others.

If this seems kind of piecemeal, I'm sorry. Might be best if you listen to the entire sermon. Grab a cup of coffee and enjoy.

Honestly speaking

I was thinking of sitting down with my journal - my black book journal - tonight. I have so much happening inside me. So much I need to process. And then I thought, why not journal in my blog tonight? Why not be honest in my blog, even if it's a guarded honesty?

Today I happened to look back at some of my posts from years ago, from those times when Living Room was a fledgling group, totally unaware of where it would end up. And boy was I honest. Refreshingly so. I don't know what has happened with my blogging. It has become hard to know what to share and what not to share. I guess that's why I've come to do so little of it, while years ago I posted almost every day. I wish I could be that person again. What has happened to me?

I suspect that it has something to do with Living Room having become so well known. I want to keep some of what's happening quiet. Telling you all the tough stuff I deal with as a result of it might not be such a good thing. Would you lose confidence in me, its leader? And telling you all the good stuff would be like I was tooting my own horn.

Yes, I have far more responsibilities weighing on me than I did years ago. I don't feel as free. There's a big work connected to me now. I think it has changed me somewhat.

And yet I am the same person I was in that I have a mood disorder that at times makes me a very needy person. Just over the last while I've had to struggle again with realizing that I've become too self-centered, complaining to a friend about how overwhelmed I felt and the stress it was causing. I wanted mothering. I wanted compassion. But I did not remember that she herself has a lot on her plate too. I need to be there for her too.

That kind of self-centeredness - that overconcern about myself - crops up far too often. But it's a common symptom of our illness, isn't it, both when we're high and when we're low. Yet I know I need to fight it. I learned long ago how thinking of others' needs ahead of my own can be a source of healing. And I must tap into that.

So, today I was in pain. Remorseful for how I had complained to someone who never complains but carries her load with and eager courage, trusting that God will help her. How I need to learn from her!

This friend used to have a role of caregiver for me, mothering me when I needed mothering - something that happened often. But I've grown up a lot and she no longer mothers me in the same way. I don't need her in the same way. She has come to expect me to be a more mature friend, a friend with whom she can share equally. In her eyes I'm not as much a victim as I used to be, but a conqueror. I should be happy about that and accept that role, no matter how weak I may at times feel. And, like her, I need to trust that God will fill my needs and help me with my workload. After all it's His work I'm doing - not my own. It's God who is actually doing the work. All I'm called to be is a foot soldier for Him.

...and maybe I should pray more when I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe I should remember to start each day by giving it all to Him.

The photo? A little girl on a balcony in a village on the island of Naxos in Greece. Cute, eh? I love that hair.

Comforted

Crazy how you can make a little thing into something so big that it threatens to take you down into depression, eh? The feeling of rejection I talked about a few posts ago caused recurring pain. I think because I was focusing on it so much instead of forgetting it and moving on. But I was preparing a devotional for Living Room on the topic and was analyzing the topic to bits - hanging on, trying to learn from it, when perhaps I should have, for my own good health, shrugged it off.

But I didn't shrug it off. I hung onto the source of the pain and it kept hurting. I studied the why and the wherefore, especially for those of us who live with mental illness. I tried to understand what to do with the pain so I could pass what I learned on to my group on Friday. I also talked about how to escape the pain, to avoid having it take us down into depression. And we talked about how we can live so that we avoid the feeling of rejection.

The pain kept coming back as I focused on the problem. Finally, a talk with my pastor Don resolved the issue for me. He told me some things which comforted me greatly. I shared his words with the group and I will share them here with you:

"Be who you are, who God made you to be, and know who you are in His eyes. You are a person of great value and worth to God...ultimately what matters most is not what I think, or even what you think or others, but what God thinks. His first and continual and last thoughts of us are overflowing with love and grace."

What comfort those words gave me!! And this truth is what I passed on to the group at various intervals. Yes, we need to live our lives knowing who we are in God's eyes and be strengthened in that knowledge. Then rejection won't affect us so powerfully.

The photograph? I took it many years ago. It means a lot to me because I identify with the little girl. God comforts us like that if we go to Him, doesn't He?

Cats

Just want to share a picture. No further grand theme to this post. Just want to touch base with bloggerland. There are a lot of stray cats wandering around in the Greek islands - most of them pretty mangy. This guy was begging for some tuna from the sandwich I was eating. I couldn't resist sharing some with him.

My mood? Getting over some decidedly low times last week. Strange, I had no problems in Greece. I think being in a lot of social situations like I tend to be here at home causes problems for me sometimes. I'm just too sensitive. And yet I love being around people. It's important to me to be around my friends. Go figure.

Morning has broken

An amazing answer to prayer: My friend in hospital has improved by leaps and bounds. Two days ago she wasn't allowed her clothes because she was still so suicidal. Today she will probably be allowed an accompanied pass, meaning she can leave the hospital if she has someone with her.

Her spirit is so up. She is so grateful, praising God. She delights me so much and gives me such joy.

The day after she turned around so well I was sitting in my favourite chair on the patio having my quiet time, feeling very grateful. I noticed the sun shining on our hanging fushchia basket. I noticed how it illuminated one of the blossoms beautifully and decided to photograph it. As I was shooting a few pictures, a bee flew into the frame. How special that bee made the picture! It takes the picture from being an ordinary picture of a flower to being something a bit more special. God's work, eh?

That very day I made a bookmark from it for my friend, a bookmark celebrating her turning from darkness to light. "Morning has broken."

I'm praising God this morning. He is so good. He answers prayer.



To read more Thankful Thursday blogposts visit Lynn.

Feelings of rejection

Do you think that people with mental illness feel rejected more than those who do not deal with such illnesses? What I'm talking about is a feeling of rejection from a group that in general aren't harboring stigma. I believe very much that they do, though a friend of mine doesn't understand that. She says that everyone suffers feelings of rejection sometimes.

I belong to a loving, accepting church, and yet I often find myself going home with a cold, awful feeling. A feeling of having been ignored or rejected. I'm sure much of this is only a perceived feeling. I'm sure people at church would be quite surprised that I would feel that way. These feelings often trigger a depression that takes a while to get over.

Is it me? Is this the lot of people who live with mental illness? Is it easier for us to feel rejected? Perhaps due to having an illness that is generally stigmatized? Perhaps due to our oversensitivity and insecurity?

A friend of mine is in hospital. I've talked about her in previous posts. One of the major triggers for this episode was her perception that she was being ignored at church, excluded, rejected. She had needed someone to connect with her in a real way. She told me that all she had needed was a hug. A friend told me that someone had talked to her. Yet apparently that wasn't enough to dissolve her feelings of aloneness. She was a really needy person that day.

I wouldn't fault anyone though. How are people to know of her need? Perhaps all they saw was a withdrawn person who didn't seem to want to talk. Someone who was hard to approach. How are they to know what's going on inside her?

I want to bring this topic for discussion at the next Living Room meeting. Do others experience this? How does it make them feel? What do they think causes it?

And we need to search out what we can do about these feelings. The important thing we need to remember is who we are in God's eyes. I think part of our problem is an insecurity. We need to learn to be secure in the knowledge of God's love...and secure in the knowledge that God's people do love us, even though they don't always understand our needs.



Yet another photo from the Greek island of Paros. The colours we see everywhere - blue and white.

Peaceful morning

I'm thankful to God for the wonderful peaceful morning I had today. I got outside at 5:15. It was still a wee bit dark, but not too dark to journal or read. Such a wonderful place to sit, under the canopy, with the green garden all around me and the birds singing. How God has blessed us with this home!

Thank God for my friend's life. She struggles so much and almost died a few days because she couldn't bear her life anymore. But you God sent a lady, an angel, to speak to her and to remind her that there are people who love her. And I do so love her. She feels like she's a bad person, and yet I know her to be so good and kind. Thank you, God, that I can be there for her as she works through her depression. I'm thankful for her faith in you and how we can talk together about your love.

Thank you, God, for another friend, L, who just emailed to let me know she's thinking of me and praying for me. She pointed me to Isaiah 61, asking me if I had read that lately. I will have to do that. So precious to have friends who will share like that with me.

Tomorrow we have a Living Room meeting. We'll talk about our tendency to worry - our tendency to forget about God's presence. How can we stay close to God and trust Him so that we don't need to worry so much? We'll look to God together.

The photo? Another little taste of the Greek islands for you. It's fun to share.



Thankful Thursday is hosted by iris. You might want to visit her and visit the links to others' expressions of gratitude.

Hope you all have a happy, peaceful day as you work and play.

Thankful on Friday

Just before going on holidays I agreed with my friend Nancie from More than Conquerors that I would try to take part in Thankful Thursdays - something many are doing - setting apart one day each week to truly focus on all I'm thankful for.

Now I'm back, and I've already missed a Thursday. That's because I was too busy doing something I'm thankful for to even think of blogging. So this week I will post my gratitude on Friday, one day late. Better than not at all, eh?

What I'm really thankful for is that God created us to be creative people. I've received such joy from doing photography again and I know it's something I mustn't let go. Yesterday I worked almost non-stop, preparing my pictures to show on a digital frame. I was selecting, cropping, adjusting, and re-sizing. I was so happy to see that there were a lot more good ones than I thought I'd have. I've still got it in me.

I like reading in Genesis how God created the earth and everything in it. I like reading how He saw "that it was good." And what joy that must have given Him. If creating a few images gives me joy, imagine how great His joy must have been!

I attributed my good mood while we were in Greece to the bright sunlight and to not having any stresses to worry about. But when I think of it, I think a lot of it was also the focusing on photography that made me feel so well. And I can see how I mustn't let it go so long again.

I want to photograph children again. I really need to set aside some time to do that. My play-time - my non-mental-health-work time.

I will continue posting some of the pictures I took in Greece. Simply because it's fun to share. What's the good of doing all that work if I'm going to hide it, eh?

The above picture is a street in one of the villages we visited. There was so much wonderful texture in the walls - so much old stuff. And many many cats.



To read more Thankful Thursday visit Iris.

One little pill - abilify

For the first time in years my pdoc is changing my antipsychotic medication to something different. Reason? Tremors that have been bothering me for years. And the fact that I'm on two antipsychotics. He's uncomfortable about that, thinking he's over-medicating me. Perhaps with the abilify he's now putting me on I can make do with only one.

So this morning I started. I took one small dose of abilify and reduced the old med a little. Trouble is, I've had an uncomfortable stomach all day and am pretty sure that one little pill is the culprit. One little pill giving so much discomfort!

But I need to give this a good shot. Guess I'll have to live with the discomfort for awhile and see if my body will adjust.

Anyone else out there had experience with abilify?

My picture? The base of an old church on the island of Paros.

Back to work

We've been home from Greece for four days now. Good to be back. But I'm still handicapped by jetlag. Last night I slept from 10:30pm to 3pm. Just not enough sleep. It's been like that ever since we returned.

I'm happy to be back in my work. Happy to have been able to attend Living Room on Friday.

My mood has completely levelled off and I think I need to thank Greece for that. The light was so bright. And I had nothing to think about but wandering through the white-washed streets with my camera and eating and drinking in the outdoor restaurants. The food, by the way, was wonderful. Such variety!

But it's good too to be back to my work. I can only go so long without purpose in my life. I do love to care for people and to make Living Room things happen. Living Room is exciting. So many people coming to believe in it and wanting to start their own group.

While I was away I read a book that drew my attention to Isaiah 28:16. And it so much speaks to what Living Room should be built on:

I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem. It is firm, a tested and precious cornerstone that is safe to build on.

I've had this in mind all along, but somehow the way this verse is worded defines it so very clearly. Jesus is the foundation stone of Living Room. That foundation is firm, a tested and precious cornerstone that is safe to build on.

I hope to start posting more regularly in the next while. That will also give me an opportunity to share some of my pictures from Greece, as I do here. One of our favourite things to photograph were the many arches. This is a typical Cyclades street scene, one of hundreds we photographed.

Hello from Greece

Hi everyone,

We're almost finished our holiday in Greece. I've really enjoyed our time, especially the photography. But now I'm starting to long for home. Things I want to do. I've even started making a list of all the things I want to do when I get home. I know I'll be so overwhelmed when I get home, and making a list now will help me keep focused on what's most important.

I'm posting a couple of pictures I took, as well as one my husband took of me. Just to give you a taste of some of the things we saw.

I look forward to getting back into the swing of real life. I really need more purpose in this life - some work. Am I nuts? Do you think so?

Greece looming

My mood at the present is ok, though somewhat anxious because on Friday we leave for Greece. Although I'm looking forward to spending time on two of the islands, it's scary because of all the unrest there. On Thursday another general strike is planned and there are fears of more riots. We'll be spending the night in Athens, and I hope and pray there will be no disruptions while we're there. There are also more strikes planned for June and we won't be coming home till June 10th. Our travels could be affected.

So I'm in worry mode. My husband says I seem depressed again. Well, I did have two good days. I guess - judging by my pattern lately - I'm due for another low.

Thursday was bad, to the point of me wondering whether I could be trusted to carry out my responsibilities. I'm trusting God as the Bible says I should. I'm trying to model myself after David in his Psalms - those Psalms I've been reading so much lately. But to what extent can trusting God heal me? At what point am I going to have to say, I'm no longer able to live up to the expectations I've had of myself?

So many people lose their jobs because of this illness. Is it ever going to get to the point when I can no longer handle what I do? I pray not, God. That would be like dying for me. I love this work You've given me to do. Life without it would be meaningless.

Yes, these awful thoughts were going through my head last Thursday. Fortunately I got lots of help with Living Room on Friday. All I had to do was the devotional time. Topic - "And I will yet praise Him." That was a topic close to my heart. I was able to speak passionately about it. Because, yes, I do praise God. In spite of everything, I praise Him.

No matter what happens to me I pray that I'll be able to find it in me to praise God. To thank Him for all He's given me. To thank Him for His great love. To thank Him for my precious friends who encourage me so well to keep following Him. To put my hand in His and walk beside Him, trusting.

I'm also thankful for some of the new help I've been able to get with Living Room. A new, gifted co-facilitator as well as someone to help with the lunches. Another person who has been coming is proving herself to be a good leader - a new talent we discovered in her. Yes, God is providing me with what I need. Why should I fear?



What are you thankful for today? Thankful Thursday is hosted by Laurie at Women Taking a Stand. Thanks, Laurie! Do visit the other participants and be encouraged by their thanksgiving to God too.

The good in rapid cycling

You know, I'd rather be into rapid cycling than in a solid depression, as I was at this time last year. The lows I go through now only last a few hours. The depression only got alarmingly low one day. That was followed by a high the next day, after some prayer time with a friend. Most of the time the low mood is just an unmotivated feeling. And yet, even though I know now that it won't last long, the feeling of hopelessness still crops up. When I get low I still can't imagine feeling good again. And when I feel good, as I do this morning, I can't imagine returning to a low.

Now that I know I can expect to rapid cycle for a while longer until I stabilize, I'm learning that I need to take advantage of my good moods. I need to use those good times to get things done around the house. That's when I need to make the more complicated meals, leaving the simple stuff from Costco for the low times.

Over these past few months of rapid cycling I've had some spiritually inspired times and I've had some very creative times. I've been able to offer support in - what is perhaps - a more sympathetic way than usual. After all, depression is never far from me. I well know how it feels. And the creative work has been such a blessing. I find comfort in it. I'm consoled by it. And the bookmarks are finding their way to people who need to hear the messages they convey.

Yes, even during times of such instability, I have a lot to be thankful for, don't I?

This morning I awoke at 4:30 in an up mood. By 7:00 I had cleaned up a very messy kitchen, something that I hadn't been able to motivate myself to do for days. Then I sat outside in the sun for awhile, searching for a Bible verse I wanted to use for my next bookmark. A wonderful time that was. Don't the birds sing beautifully in the spring? Now I've looked through some pictures, searching for a slide I have in mind that I want to marry with that verse. In the process I found a lot of other pictures that would make good bookmarks.

I'm including one of my recent bookmarks here. The subject is Cosmos, one of my favourite flowers. It felt good to express the way I feel about that flower in this way.

So that's what's happening!!

I saw my pdoc today and he told me that I'm rapid cycling. So that's it! The moods I've been experiencing lately have not been normal for me. I'm usually much more stable, much more able to cope.

I'm feeling fine right now though. As long as I have the opportunity to work on my creative projects.

But tomorrow I will undergo a medication increase. More anti-depressant and more anti-psychotic. And we'll hope and pray that this will do the trick and get me back to a more level me.

It's just a relief to know that this is not the regular me. That the way I have been is not the way I always have to be. A relief to know that all the complaining I've felt kind of ashamed of airing was not unfounded.

In the meantime I'm having fun designing the calendar. A fair amount of work, but I think it will be worth it when it's done. Beautiful glossy two-sided paper. Beautiful colour. Yes!!!

Hope you all are doing okay as well. I'd be rather happy if you sent a comment - complaining if it's what you want to do. Then I wouldn't have to feel so alone. Not that I'm really alone. It's just that I don't want to be the only one always complaining.

Happy puttering

So good to be able to tell you that I'm feeling very good right now, happily puttering with my pictures. I've been complaining so much lately, I'm embarrassed.

Today I went through some of my forty years' worth of slides and scanned a few, with a view to using them for calendars and bookmarks. And now I'm thinking I'd like to make more notecards as well. Maybe another open house this winter so I can sell them to friends?

Working with these photographs and finding scripture verses to accompany them does me such a lot of good!

Making the calendars is going to be a bit tricky though. A bit of a puzzle getting all the months and photos in the right order, since it will be a folded calendar. That means, for example, that the May image will be on the same page as the September part of the calendar.

Tricky thing now, though, is not to let the housework get too far behind. And I do need to visit Mom every few days. And I do need to cook. Yes, Marja, don't get too too carried away now :0)

The picture in this bookmark is one I took at Puntzi Lake in the Chilcotin area of British Columbia. And the Bible verse is one I hung onto when I was going through a deep depression a few years ago. Actually it was only part of it that I clung to: "The Lord your God is with you...he will quiet you with his love."

I hope these words will comfort you as they comforted me.