Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Instability

Someone sent me a quote awhile ago by Patricia Deegan that I really like and that is really speaking to me now: "For those of us who have struggled for years...recovery is not about going back to who we were. It is a process of becoming new. It is a process of discovering our limits but also a process of discovering how these limits open upon new possibilities. Transformation rather than restoration becomes our path."

Today I wonder if I'm trying to reach beyond my limits - beyond what I can or should be doing.

I have a terrible time with tremors, caused by one of the meds I'm on. My pdoc is working on getting me off this medication. However, my moods have been very unstable lately. If you've been reading my blog you'll know that I've been on a roller coaster. Fine one day and depressed the next. Maybe I should just live with the tremors and opt for the stability and happiness this drug has offered me in the past.

Today I chaired an important meeting and, although I felt confident, I was shaking like crazy. Not everyone at this meeting knew me, so they must have had their doubts about me and my abilities. It does not look good for a leader to have tremors. It does not help people have confidence in you. And when I'm aware of them myself, I feel self-conscious which isn't good either.

And I wonder if all the stress that goes along with meetings like these, especially when I'm so emotionally unstable, is a good thing for my health. Maybe I should just dig in and quietly do my work at home, writing. Spread the news about Living Room that way. Or am I this moment thinking negatively once more? Am I once more dipping downward? I think I may be.

If I could only be stronger instead of having emotions that are constantly teetering on the verge of something.

I know one thing. I could never have brought Living Room to where it is without God's help. Living Room is God's work and I've just been a foot soldier, going where he told me to go. I need to continue putting myself in his hands and hear his voice and have him guide me. I need to relax and let go a bit. And I need to pray.

Maybe I've reached the limit and God wants to open new paths for me to follow. I'll have to see and be open to his leading.

Would I ever like to be stable and strong again!

6 comments:

Brenda said...

Dear Marja,
I would love to be stable and strong again too! I think the less stress we have the better and that means saying no a lot......About the tremors.....just be real and upfront with people that you're on a medication that gives you tremors.

marja said...

Hi Brenda,
Yes, I usually do that, but yesterday - just the way things went - I didn't get an opportunity.
But if you have a medication that works well on us, we just have to learn to live with the side effects, eh? There's nothing as bad as the moods.

Wellness Writer said...

Dear Marja,
I can just imagine how you must feel. Years ago, and I can't remember which medication caused it, I had such bad tremors that I could barely sign a check, and when I was at lunch with my mother, I had to sip my soup in a cup because I couldn't use a soup spoon.

When I was in public and having a problem, I finally decided to just address it rather than pretending it wasn't there.

So, when I was filling out a form for my son's camp, I said, "I take medication, which causes hand tremors, and I can't fill out this form. Can you help me?"

The guy was surprisingly nice, and addressing it seemed to work better for me than worrying about what people were saying.

Hope your stability improves soon!

Susan

marja said...

Hi Susan,
Yes, I'll just have to make a bigger point of letting people know, before they have a chance to lose confidence in me.
Thanks for the well wishes, Susan.

Just Be Real said...

Marja, sorry that you suffer so much up and down rollercoaster life. Thank you though for sharing your blog with many who can relate. Blessings.

marja said...

Just be real: Thank you for visiting. I checked out your blog and found I can relate to a lot there. Your comment was encouraging.