Sunday, April 12, 2009

Where can you turn when...

My roller coaster ride will not stop. I don't feel so depressed that I don't want to do anything. Just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

Trouble with me is that I feel a need to reach out - to draw comfort from others. Yet that kind of comfort is hard to come by. No one wants to hear another's complaints. What can they possibly do? My husband has compassion and that's so good. I thank God for him.

What puzzles me is this: When a person feels so down that they become suicidal (not me at this moment) they are told that they should reach out. They're told they should let others know how they're feeling. Yet how many people really want to be told how crummy a person feels? How many people truly know how to feel compassion? Depression is a lonely state to be in for sure. It's hard to find support that satisfies.

Right now I find most strength in carrying on with my Living Room work. I draw comfort from knowing I'm doing things that will help others. In being sensitive to the needs of others I forget myself for awhile.

My prayer is that I will not focus on my own needs so much that I become self-centered. My prayer is that I will be other-centered - to love as I wish to be loved. There's comfort in love - whether we give or receive. Let us love one another.

And I mustn't forget. God is always ready to listen and to comfort if I will with open arms receive him. I need to pray more. I need to not forget to pray and to spend time with God.


Brenda said...

I know just what you are talking about. I feel your pain. I have just been diagnosed as bipolar 2 after many years of severe depression. I am thinking suicidal thoughts but my faith keeps me from doing anything. I don't know who to talk to either, other than my husband, and I don't want to wear him out. It's good you can be so honest on your blog. I wish we lived closer so we could be friends.

marja said...

Brenda, I'm so glad you visited and left a comment. We can be online friends. I just visited your blog and we have so much in common. AND I see in my records that you would like to start a Living Room group. Maybe one day when you're feeling better?

Yes, I think that people who have been through depression are the best to talk to. That's what makes a support group so valuable. It's a place where you can honestly talk about what you're going through.

I'm feeling better today - and the sun is even shining here. Quite a switch from all the rain we've been receiving.

Take care, Brenda.

Love, marja

Anonymous said...

I was diagnosed 6-7-08. BiPolar I. Almost one year to the date after a complete hysto. 1997 my depressed symptoms began after the death of my father who was 88 but was a sweet kind unconditionally loved me. When I would visit him, whatever he was doing he would stop and we would visit. I have never met another person like him since. Married with 3 grown children and 3 grand children I find very little comfort from any of them. After all the years of giving my all I seem to get less and less from them. Now since the Diagnosis, everything is clear to them. HO_HO_HO... My husband has absolutely no clue what I am going threw and suggests I take a PILL if I become upset. Ive been on 2 different meds now since my volulntary committment and at the beginning I was feeling better. But lately, I feel useless, tired, loss of interest. And tell Jesus every nite the if he needs me he can just come and take me. I would never hurt myself, I'm too scared for that - and I do find getting involved in an activity helps but I've started so many activites and never stick with any. I crochet, sew, embroider, quilt, work with plastic canvas, bead, and most resently began card making. But there is just this void. I am Roman Catholic, belong to a woman of faith group, attend healing masses and holy spirit prayer meetings, but still something is missing. I will be donwn for days then all of a sudden I'm Mary Poppins and all is right in the world. When talking to anyone in the faith group the suggest prayer. When talking to a friend who was diagnosied as having a chemical imbalance, she will suggest I get different meds. When talking to my PSY - he says to just give it time. I have found lately I can not sleep even with extra meds. I just can shut the mind off. I don't know what I'm always thinking about except just to find a friend, someone to do different activities with and talk with and share ideas with.

I have never blogged before. Hope I'm not rambling on.

Jackie said...

I wrote previously as annonimous becasue I didnt know how to sign in. Now I'm ups and running.

I have a full time job, and enjoy most of what I do. Days do get slow but I look forward to coming home, until the key unlocks that door, than BOOM I don't want to be here. It means cooking and dishes and seein my husband asleep on the couch. He starts work at 5 am and usually is sleeping until I arrive home and wants to know "Whats for dinner. No other verbal exchanges between us except the falling market, how much money we owe, watch the news and wait to go to bed. It's a meaningless life. That why in my first message I told you it's so easy to just lay in bed and ask the Lord if he wants me to just take me. I've seen my 3 children grow into adults, I've seen both daughters have children and watched my son grown to a man. What else could there be to this life. I do belong to a woman of faith share group from my Roman Catholic parish, and they are very suppportive at the meeting but how to fill in until the next meeting. I go to healing masses, and prayer breakfasts, and holy spirit groups, but have not found that connection with another live human to just share feelings. My husband knows I'm defected. And I need pills to get me threw the day and oh well that just too bad for me. I wish I could talk and wear my husband out. I know I sound very negative, and I am, I'm hoping this communication will begin something new for me. I sew, crochet, knit, embrodiery, quilt, rubber stamp, and love computers but have this need to share all that with someone who cares. I too hope we can be online friends.

marja said...

Hi anonymous, No you didn't ramble on too much. It's good to talk and get stuff off your chest and this is a safe place to do it.

Yes, depression is a lonely business, isn't it? Strange how when we're up - feeling well - it seems we have lots of friends. But there are not as many people we can turn to when we're down. Most people don't understand.

Is there a mood disorder support group in your neighbourhood that you could go to? Support groups are great places to meet people who have problems similar to your own. You won't feel so alone.

Why don't you check into it? In the meantime perhaps you'll find things in my blog that you can relate to and find comfort in.

I pray that God will keep you and comfort you. He understands your pain and loves you more than you'll ever full comprehend.

- marja

marja said...

Hi Jackie,

Thanks for writing again. It's good to know your name. I'll try to post more often - things that might help us get talking together. You might also want to check Brenda's blog. Her comment is above.

You know, it just makes me feel better for your and Brenda to have commented. I feel less alone too - though actually I don't have a huge amount to complain about. My husband is supportive.

What we need is an online Living Room group. (check what that is in the link

Let's talk again soon.

- marja

Brenda said...

I feel better just having connected with you, Marja, and Jackie. Just knowing there are people out there that know what it feels like is a big help.

marja said...

I feel the same way, Brenda.

Howard said...


I just got through a major depressive episode myself, just before the end of last week. I hope you're feeling better.


marja said...

Hi Howard,

Thanks for visiting. And I'm so happy that you got through it and are feeling better.