Experiencing God's love

I'm reading a wonderful book, Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. The subtitle is "Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. Such a revolutionary, honest piece of writing! Such a refreshing look at the Christian faith.

Miller quotes a friend who said, "...to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so many times to love each other."

I've often told the story of how a person who I regarded very highly told me she loved me and would always love me, no matter what I do or say. She told me this at a time I was deeply depressed and did not think much of myself. This had such a huge impact on me. Through this friend I came to know how much God loved me. I remember the following days well. I bathed in the knowledge of that love - I savoured it - the feeling was one of great joy, holy joy.

We need to love each other. The best prayer I know is this: "Please, God, fill me with your love and help me share that love with others."

It's through you and me that people will come to fully understand God's love.

Finally back

I want to thank PJ for giving me a bit of a kick in the behind and encouraging me to write a bit here. Thank you for missing me, PJ. I've been feeling darn guilty for being away for so long.

Life has been a bit undisciplined lately with my husband gone, and that includes the blogging. On top of that, when I tried to go to your sites a few days ago and tried to post, nothing would load. It turned out to be a problem with my husband's computer which networks with mine. So...I have lots of excuses.

My husband is back now and I hope to get in gear again. I need to go grocery shopping; I need to cook again; I need to spend time with my husband. No longer the laid back approach to my day-to-day life. My holiday is over.

But in a week he's off again - this time for only a week.

Although my life has been undisciplined, I have been doing a lot of stuff. Have spent a lot of time with church friends and Living Room friends and did a lot of reading. I was only lonely one day. Not bad, eh? Actually, I almost feel guilty about not missing my husband more. But I did love the freedom.

And I stayed well - perfectly balanced - perfectly happy.

Now I hope to get back here a lot more often. I really do. And I will visit all of you before the day is out. It's good to be back.

Healing love

My biggest aim as a facilitator of the Living Room mood disorders support group is to help participants learn about and experience the love of God. It's when hurting people understand how much God loves them that healing can best occur. I know this, because this has been my experience.

It was when I was in the depths of depression that a person who I held in great esteem told me she loved me and that she would always love me, no matter what I said or did. This person is a very godly person and I knew that what she said came from God and that God was expressing Himself through her. And what a difference it made to me!

Now, when I help others through tough times, I remember what my friend did for me and I try to do this for others. I ask God to fill me with His love and to help me share that love with the people I meet. This is one prayer I can be confident that God will answer.

1 John 4:12 says, "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." It's through those of us who love God that God reveals Himself.

But God's love is unfathomable; it's beyond measure. We can only show a part of it, but we can do it with abandon. We need to accept others as Jesus did, using Him as our example, following in His footsteps. Jesus loved everyone - the poor, the sinners, the sick. He touched the untouchables and His loving touch made them well.

God's commandments that sum up all commandments given in the Bible is to love God with all our heart and soul and strength and to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. God IS love. If only the whole world could share in this love! What a better place this planet would be!

But we each have a little corner of the world - a little sphere of influence - people surrounding us who we can love - people whom we can help to heal. Let us ask God to help us share His love with them...with abandon.

At loose ends

With my husband away I have a lot of freedom, yet I'm kind of at loose ends as well. Nothing to tie me down...floating from one little activity to another...trying to talk to some friends every day to stay in touch with the world. It will be good to have him back.

Tonight I called an old school friend, my first time in a number of years to talk to her. But it was like we didn't really know each other anymore. We used to be best friends, but we've grown so far apart. A shame how that happens.

I tend to be a very loyal person, not easily giving up friends. For the first 16 to 18 years that I was a Christian I belonged to the same church. When I found I could not stay there anymore, I cried for weeks. My husband and I have belonged to the same camera club for as long as we've been married - 39 years.

When I think of the women who I consider my best friends now, I could not imagine growing apart from them. They mean so much to me. Yet I suppose it could happen, especially if we were to move away from each other. That's one reason my husband and I would never want to move away from here. We need to stay close to our church and our camera club and our friends. We both find change in those regards difficult to deal with.

Just some musings to pass away some lonely time. Tomorrow will be better. My Bible study group is meeting here for dinner.

Trust when things are rough

In anticipation of the publication of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand (sorry - no link yet) www.canadianchristianity.com are publishing excerpts from it.

The first article is about learning to overcome fear when symptoms of depression or psychosis start showing up. Fear is a universal response to suffering. At times it can be very hard to trust. What to do?

Can we have faith in God yet have a hard time trusting Him?

Hope you'll all have a look. I think you'll be able to identify.

Repainting Christianity

Well, I've been doing bits of boring stuff: getting a bit of clutter organized, though I have a long way to go. For interesting stuff I've got the last bits of my book to the publisher and they say they will soon have a couple of sample covers ready for me to review. Exciting! To think I will soon have this writing I've poured so much of myself into in an actual book. Was I as excited when Riding the Roller Coaster came out? I don't remember, but I must have been.

Another interesting thing I've started on is a wonderful book called Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, founding pastor of Mars Hill. The subtitle is "Repainting Christianity." The product description reads: "God never changes, nor do the central truths of Christianity. But our understanding of those truths is in constant flux. Christians will always be exploring and discovering what it means to live in harmony with God and each other."

The book is full of questions. Such a refreshing thing. Too many Christians live as though they think they have all the answers. The truth is that understanding God leads us to a lot of mystery. We can believe and yet accept that we'll never understand it all and that we need to keep asking questions.

Just a taste of what Bell has to say:
"...the Bible is open-ended" (it is alive) "It has to be interpreted. And if it isn't interpreted, then it can't be put into action. So if we are serious about following God, then we have to interpret the Bible. It is not possible to simply do what the Bible says. We must first make decisions about what it means at this time, in this place, for these people."

In other words, no one can say that he takes the Bible literally. It was written at a time in history when things were different than they are today. We need to interpret what it means for us, living in 2008.

Somewhere else Bell says:
"Questions, no matter how shocking or blasphemous or arrogant or ignorant or raw, are rooted in humility. A humility that understands that I am not God. And there is more to know. Questions bring freedom. Freedom that I don't have to be God and I don't have to pretend that I have it all figured out. I can let God be God."

I highly recommend this book, especially to those who want to believe in God but have had trouble believing everything the Bible says - those who need to understand that God is a fathomless mystery who we can embrace and believe in and love, in spite of it.

Beer and a pickup truck

And you all thought I was a prim and proper old church lady in her sixties, did you? I was just thinking tonight about how I probably wouldn't at all fit the image you might have of me.

My son has the car for a couple of weeks and I'm driving our silver pickup truck. Just learned to drive it. Sitting high and driving that powerful (more powerful than the car) machine makes me feel pretty tough. I'm a truckin' old woman, I am. Actually, that's all wrong. I'm NOT old at all. I actually feel around forty, even if I was born in 1946.

And here I am, drinking a beer from my husband's huge glass mug. Have come to like a beer now and then. It quenches my thirst and feeds the hunger at the same time.

My husband has gone off on a trip to Greece and I'm free to do what I wish. No cooking if I don't feel like it. This is a holiday. Amazing how much more free time you have when there's no one around to distract you!

Actually, though, this afternoon I started feeling somewhat lonely. Felt like talking to someone - because I like to talk a lot. My poor friends know all about that. I call two of them almost daily and email them and others almost non-stop. Thing is, my memory is poor, and what if I were to forget to tell them something? So I email as soon as a thought comes to me that I want to share. My poor pastor is one of the recipients. Guess I should feel guilty, and I do sometimes. But most of the time now I feel that they know me well enough. They know I need to do these things. I have a lot of thoughts that have to go somewhere.

While my husband is gone I'm planning to contact old friends that I haven't talked to for a long time. This is a good opportunity and I will feel less lonely.

Another thing I battled with this afternoon was that I felt restless, longing for interesting things to happen. I don't like to get bored and if nothing interesting is happening in my life, I make it happen. I'm a firm believer that it's within our power to make our lives as interesting as we want them to be. Just takes some imagination, motivation, and courage.

Trouble is, there are a lot of boring things in this house that need to get done, like cleaning up mountains of clutter. And that's another thing I was planning to do while my husband is gone...if I can make myself. But now - one hour before bedtime - I will settle down with my beer and read a good book.

Thanks for listening to my jabber. I had to talk to somebody.

Keeping company with God

Every once in a while I've referred to Philip Yancey's Prayer: Does it Make a Difference?, a book that I've gradually been working my way through. I've only read small amounts at a time, not because it's boring, but because I want to chew on every little bit, to savour every bite. Such a good book!

I've often thought of myself as a really poor pray-er. When I try to pray my attention wanders and, before I know it, I'm thinking of the things I need to do or a whole mess of other stuff that tends to come into my head to distract me. I'm not very good at remembering to pray for all the people I should pray for either, too disorganized to keep a list, or to refer to it when I have managed to put one together. How I wish I could do better!

But Yancey's book has offered me some comfort, helping me realize that maybe I'm praying a lot more than I think. He says that just keeping company with God during quiet times could be considered prayer, even if you're not using words. Prayer can be listening to God; we don't always have to be the ones doing the talking (in fact, we probably shouldn't be). Maybe those early morning quiet times I spend with my coffee, journaling, and letting my mind wander, is time with God. I know that's when many of my ideas come to me, ideas that I believe are put there by God. In much of my journaling I talk with God as well - a little "thank you, God" or "please help me with..."

Cassian said, "We pray best when we are no longer aware of praying." Maybe we pray a lot more than we think - unawares.

Yancey quotes someone named Marcia: "If someone asks me for help in prayer, I tell them to find what they most enjoy and do that, only do it for the glory of God....For me, it's painting. Start with what really energizes you and touches your heart: flowers, music, hiking, birds, gardening, whatever. Ask God to remind you, as you do it, that you're doing it for him....Spending time with God is what's important. We spend the time anyway. Why not recognize that we spend it with God, and then act like it?"

Prayer is a lot more than a shopping list of things we want God to do for us. Would we spend time with our parents just asking them for a bunch of stuff? Our parents simply want us with them, telling them about our lives and how we feel about things, sharing our love with them. God is with us all the time. We just need to remember that and live with the awareness of His love constantly within us and surrounding us. And how much more at peace and joyful we would be if we could do that!

We simply need to live in company with God.

A burning desire

A few days ago I was feeling anxious about the publication of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder. This morning I'm feeling eager. Can't wait to get it out there and to share all that I poured into that book.

I want to share here a couple of bits from the introduction, just to let you know why I wrote this. And, to be honest, to encourage you to look forward to the book as well.

"I have a burning desire to tell you my story. I long to tell you what I have learned from living with bipolar disorder* for four decades. I want to help others understand what it’s like to have severe mental health difficulties. I want to help you, and all those who read my story, to learn from the hardships – and the joys – I have known.

I’ve come a long way. As a young girl I was shy and withdrawn, afraid to say much in school. Now I speak out on mental health issues. Some even call me an activist. Today I am bubbling over with a lifetime of thoughts and experiences I want to tell you about.

Bipolar disorder (also called manic depression) is a difficult diagnosis to accept, but a rich and productive life is possible, much more so today than in the past. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I hope this book will encourage you, with the help of God, to find a better life for yourself."

Unfortunately, I have to miss Living Room today. I have to go to my husband's aunt's funeral. I hate missing, but I know the meeting is in good hands. Janice will do the devotional and there's lots of good help. What a blessing to know I can count on things carrying on, even when I'm not there.

Hope you all have a great day.

(I'm sorry for the weird fonts here. Couldn't make them do what I wanted them to do.)

Sorry for the absence

Hi everyone. I'm sorry I've been away from blogging for so long. I feel guilty about it - I really do. We were away for three days and the rest of the time my life has just been too complex to focus on writing something. I'm sure it wouldn't be too complex for the average person; I'm sure it's just me.

There are many things I'd like to share here. Have been reading some very good things in Philip Yancey's Prayer. Perhaps tomorrow.

My new book, A Firm Place to Stand, should be out within two months and I'm getting nervous. What if I overlooked something and left in some terrible, embarrassing errors? I just have a very uneasy feeling about it. For you who've had books published: Is that a normal way to be feeling?

And then there's all the stuff that will go with the publication: interviews (I hope), public speaking engagements (I hope), book signings (hoping I can do something about my dreadful tremors). But all of this is terribly stressful stuff, isn't it? I hope my moods will co-operate. I'm starting to feel stressed right now - this minute - just thinking about it.

I know, though, that there's only one way to deal with this: Remember that this is God's work I'm doing, and not mine at all. I'm only a footsoldier. He's doing the big job. All I have to do is put myself in his hands and trust him to lead me where I should go - do what he gives me to do, one little thing at a time. I need to pray.

Just so glad to be back writing here again. Thank you all for visiting.

The pain of stigma in the church

I haven't thought for a while about stigma within the church. My life has been pretty insulated. I don't feel the effects of such stigma. But every once in a while I hear a story that gets my blood boiling. It's not simple anger I feel, though. It's more like pain.

Someone who used to come to Living Room but can't anymore, told me how much the group had meant to her. Our support group had helped make her well. She is so enthusiastic about Living Room that she had decided to start a group of her own in another part of town. But what has been holding her back is that she finds it hard to get established or feel good in a church. And Living Room needs a church to sponsor the program.

This friend has painful memories of how her husband, who suffers from severe anxiety, was treated in the past at a church he attended with her. Members of the church tried exorcising his "demons" and told him he had no faith. I sense the pain she feels about not feeling she can get involved in a regular church. She has been hurt so much! So many have experienced similar rejection and judgement. The people who most need a place to experience God's love are all too often shunned.

At our Living Room meeting on Friday a lady told us about being at church with her daughter. When she explained to someone that her daughter had schizophrenia, the person replied, "It's a demon that causes that, you know." He said that with the daughter standing right beside them.

This ignorance causes such a lot of pain! When are people going to understand the medical truth about mental disorders? When will this attitude change? People who struggle with mental health issues need to be embraced by the church and given full support and love, following Christ's example.

There's nothing as painful to people who love God to be told they have a demon or that it's their lack of faith that's making them sick. This is a tragic situation that we simply can't allow to continue. This is an attitude we need to fight with everything we've got. We need to write and speak about this in such a way that people will listen.

This is what started me writing my latest book, A Firm Place to Stand. It will be published in two months or so and I pray that it will help educate Christians and help them to be compassionate rather than judgemental. Please, God, let it make a difference.

What makes you strong?

I listened to a talk given by John Stumpo to a group of pastors at a conference. One thing he said that impressed me was this:

"Your strength is not in what you do well but in what makes you strong - in what feeds you."

That's so true. A couple of years ago I would never have dreamed I could be doing the things I'm doing now. I was like some of the biblical figures, saying to God, "but I can't do that. I'm too small. I'm too weak." Yet I did end up doing it, listening to the call. And I'm becoming stronger as a result - emotionally and spiritually. I'm a different person than I was two years ago, because I'm doing something that feeds me, something I was cut out to do. Thing is, I never imagined I was cut out to do this. I am leading a life that I would never have thought possible for me.

It's amazing how God works! Amazing the journey He can take us on!

When I think back to 43 years ago...many months in a mental hospital...staff not holding out much hope for me...social worker talking me out of going back to school, suggesting it was beyond me...many periods of psychosis...afraid to talk in front of groups...low self esteem...not able to work at even a part time job.

Thank you, God, for where you've taken me. Thank you for helping me become a strong person. Thank you for helping me out of the victim role and into the role of supporter. You are an awesome God!

One track mind

I've been feeling kind of bad lately that all I seem to have to talk about or want to talk about is Living Room. My mind has been on a single track. Everyone must be getting very tired of this.

Yet my work is Living Room. It's so very important to me. But I know there's more to life than this.

At times I think I'm living like a nun, cloistered. I don't read the newspapers, don't listen to the news on the radio, don't watch any TV, hardly ever rent a movie. The only books I read - and I do read a fair amount - are the Bible and Christian non-fiction. I've quit photography because I feared it would distract me from my mental health work.

I do work out. I do play games with my husband when we have free evenings. And I'm going through the process of getting my book published, but that's mental health related as well.

My purpose in life is to help erase the stigma attached to mental illness, especially the stigma in the church. In the process I want to support people with mental health issues and help churches learn how to give support. This is the work God has given me to do. I feel comfortable doing these things. Living this kind of life makes me feel strong and well.

And yet...

I was reading a book yesterday about how to live the Christian life and found, deep in the middle of the book, a paragraph where the author mentioned she was bipolar. Just one little mention - nothing else. Wish I could focus away from my illness a little more than I do - more like this author did. Maybe one day.

In the meantime, I do think God wants me to be an activist. I feel moved to speak out as much as I can. I feel I need to help Christians learn how to support those who struggle with mental health issues.

Just hope people don't get tired of me.

An all-embracing place

First of all I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post. I'm sorry I haven't been more prompt about responding to you all. Just haven't had a lot of time or energy for blogging - so many other things to do.

Our discussion about alienation made me think of Living Room and how that's one place where I don't think anyone feels out of place or on the outside looking in. In searching the web on this topic I found out that self-help groups are excellent places to overcome feelings of alienation. I can see how that is true.

At Living Room each person is warmly welcomed. No matter what their emotional condition, they are fully accepted. Our open sharing of things that are usually kept secret from people on the outside is healing. Because of this transparency with each other, we come to love and appreciate each other for who we are. And with God at the center and Jesus as our example, how could we go wrong? The result is a very special place where everyone feels he/she belongs.

My prayer is that members of Living Room will take this sense of belonging with them to the world outside as well. I pray that they will gain confidence, knowing that they're not so different from others in that they're each special before God.

Like an alien

My pastor has been speaking lately about how Christians are like aliens in the world. We're different in many ways from those who don't follow Christ - in the ways we think and act.

I don't know if I've talked about this before (couldn't find it in recent posts, though I felt I had talked about this not long ago), but often I feel like an alien in the world, and even at church. As a teen I had social phobia, and it crops up again every now and then. In searching the internet I found that often social phobia is linked with mood disorders.

Research published by Cambridge University Press found that "Strong associations exist between lifetime social phobia and major depressive disorder (odds ratio 2·9), dysthymia (2·7) and bipolar disorder (5·9). Odds ratios increase in magnitude with number of social fears. Reported age of onset is earlier for social phobia than mood disorders in the vast majority of co-morbid cases. Temporally-primary social phobia predicts subsequent onset of mood disorders, with population attributable risk proportions of 10–15%. Social phobia is also associated with severity and persistence of co-morbid mood disorders."

I guess it's natural that having a mood disorder is going to make you feel different from others, like you don't fit in, like you're on the outside looking in. We are different in many respects. But those are such very uncomfortable feelings to have.

On the blogs I've heard many say how they don't feel comfortable at church. They don't feel accepted; they feel judged. It's one reason many stop going to church. But maybe these are false perceptions caused by social phobia. I know that my feelings of not fitting in are usually due to my own perceptions - not the perceptions of others.

When I reach out to others, not thinking about myself but thinking about the people around me, these feeling disappear. This, I believe is the solution to the problem. If we can stop thinking about our own needs but turn our thoughts to the needs of the people around us, our social phobia can stop being an issue.

I guess the biblical teachings to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is something we need to live by if we're to overcome feelings of alienation. If we can think of others, have the courage to reach out to others and show our love for them we will soon feel more like we fit in. Others will then reach out to us and we will feel that we belong. The old adage: "to have a friend you need to be a friend" is a valuable lesson we should not forget.

I know all this, and yet...every once in a while I still feel like an alien in a foreign land.

And...reaching out takes courage, especially when - perhaps - you're not feeling very confident or good about yourself.

Our life: a gift from God

When I was a teen I read a story in a magazine about someone who had done something to help disadvantaged people. I don't remember the details of the story but I clearly remember thinking to myself how I would like to do something to make a difference. Here I was, a shy (or depressed) young girl with social phobia, afraid to speak up in class, but wanting one day to do something really special to help others.

On Sunday Pastor Don talked about how this was true for many of us when we were in our teens and early twenties, before we became consumed with responsibilities. We wanted to make the world a better place. Yet so many of us get distracted as we get older. We need to make an income - and we work to make the best income we can so that we can afford the many things we need. ...And then we work a little harder so that we can afford luxuries as well. Earning money is a good thing, yet - in Pastor Don's words: "What most squeezes us into the world's mold is materialism. Our materialistic drive is really what keeps us from being serviceable to God....we serve ourselves; we serve a materialistic God."

"Live with an attitude of reverence and awe for the life that's been given to you. Every day is a gift from God. God has placed a value on our life. Jesus paid for our lives by his work on the cross." Every once in a while we need to stand back and look at this life God gave us and placed so much value on. How much of what we do really matters in the final analysis? We need to set the course of our lives with the final destination in mind. Is it going to be what will earn us most money? Or are we going to live our lives so that we can make a difference?

In closing Pastor Don said, "The most significant thing you can do is to build into the lives of others." This is something every one of us can do. Peter echoes Jesus' call to love each other: "...love one another deeply, from the heart." (1Peter 1:22) This is a love that will feel others' joys as well as their pain. We can make a difference in this world and it doesn't always have to be anything grand. We can make a difference in the lives of the individuals whose lives we touch...one person at a time.

And if we do so we will find ourselves blessed.

And by the way...

The Living Room meeting on Friday was awesome once more. Another big turnout of 22 people and a great discussion on the topic: "No one is indispensable."

Many members took part in the discussion. One person said that Jesus is the only one who is indispensable. Pastor Don said that it's the act the person does that is indispensable, not the person himself. One man disagreed with that, saying he would not be where he is today without someone who helped him find God and turn his life around. He felt that no other person but that one could have done that. ...and could another person have contributed what Einstein did?

In my own life, I know there would not have been a Living Room if it weren't for a number of people who came into my life - people who showed me how great God's love is - and a person who mentored me, encouraged me, and was just the kind of friend I needed. This friend is irreplaceable.

I brought along the comments some of you made on my post on this topic. They helped fill out the discussion very well. I think everyone appreciated your "presence" with us.

Bubbling over

Yesterday I took a day off. I took a day for myself - just resting and reading. It was a beautiful feeling. I felt like I was on holidays. My husband was working all day so I was alone. No one interfered with the quiet solitude I had been craving for a while.

But I was a little high too. I often feel that way after a Living Room meeting. And the more alone I was with my thoughts, the more they started bubbling over. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to talk to someone. I so needed to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. How I longed to talk to my best friend who has been away for such a long time now! I tried to call my second best friend, another very important person to me, and she was out. Finally I called my pastor's wife, also a good friend, and was able to let some of those bubbles flow over her. I felt better after that.

I always feel such a need to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I'm sometimes embarrassed about how many emails I send to my pastor, though he has assured me he doesn't mind. (am so happy about that) Don't know if that's a bipolar thing or if it's just my personality. I guess that's what makes me a writer. It's important to me to communicate with others. Can't keep anything to myself. Guess that's an okay thing, isn't it?

If you're reading this and you're bipolar, do you feel that way as well? Do you also have a great need to express your thoughts to others? Do you also bubble over?

Thankful

I feel so very grateful for where God has brought me. Somewhat overwhelmed when I let myself truly think about it.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how I had never been able to have a regular job because of my bipolar disorder. I had truly wanted to work and to be "something" and to help contribute to our family income. Many times I tried, but even part time jobs proved to be too stressful. I did work for a couple of years as a freelance photographer, but eventually had to give that up as well.

This friend told me, "But you're working now." And I realized that - although what I do now is not a paid job - I am working pretty steadily at keeping Living Room going and trying to help others set up. As part of that work I give support to individuals within the group when they need it, acting as somewhat of a counselor - a peer counselor - but mostly just being a friend. And then there's my writing and publishing my second book that I will - hopefully - have ready to distribute in a few months.

I'm feeling so very blessed to know that I am now able to work at something worthwhile and that it's not too hard or too stressful for me. In fact, I'm finding great joy in this work and would not think of giving it up.

When I think back to where I was 43 years ago...a young person in a mental hospital, behind locked doors and with bars on the windows.... I was psychotic for so long, paranoid, thinking there were men trying to kill me because I knew of their secret plan to destroy the world. During the day I marched up and down the hospital hallway, away from the windows where my enemies would see me, singing Onward Christian Soldiers in an effort to make them think I was not afraid. I have read my hospital records from that time. Doctors did not hold out much hope for me.

But twenty years later I found God and he has made a big difference in my life. Gradually he has been transforming me until I've become the person I am today - a leader. I still have frequent trouble with symptoms, but I'm able to live with confidence, able to weather the storms when they come.

In the past few years, during times of struggle, I've gone to Jeremiah 29:11 and found encouragement and inspiration there:

"For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

God has a plan for each of us. We just need to learn to let God lead. It's amazing what God can do in our lives when we truly trust him.

I'm so very thankful for where God has brought me.

Indispensable

Susan, of the Bipolar Wellness blog, wrote recently about the search for meaning, quoting some things Viktor Frankl said in his book, Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl said the following: "Everyone has his (or her) own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated."

That made me think of the statement so often quoted: "No one is indispensable." This may be somewhat true in the big picture - in terms of the world - but not completely true at all. Each of us is indispensable as persons of value and worth to the people whose lives we touch and we are of great importance to God. No one can replace us because each of us is unique in who we are and in what we have to offer.

A friend of mine is away on an extended holiday. Her work her is suffering. People who love her and depend on her are suffering because of her absence. She has left a hole. She is irreplaceable. She is indispensable.

Robert Louis Stevenson says something neat on this topic: "So long as we love, we serve. So long as we are loved by others I would almost say we are indispensable; and no man is useless while he has a friend."

Please pass this along

Message for church leaders, people with mood disorders and supporters:

You can give faith-based support to people with mood disorders.

The first Living Room support group, with its home at Brentwood Park Alliance Church in Burnaby, BC, is now nineteen months old. This outreach ministry, in partnership with the Mood Disorders Association of BC, offers Christian support to people with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders. The group is strong. It has over forty members and draws an attendance of up to twenty per meeting.

On January 30th, 100 Huntley Street aired a story about Living Room. Sherien Barsoum did an excellent job of producing the sixteen minute segment. I am very grateful to her for the work she did. If you didn't catch the broadcast, the interview can now be seen on the homepage of the Living Room website, www.livingroomsupport.org.

Ten years ago, as I was writing my book, Riding the Roller Coaster, I thought constantly of the people I wanted to encourage - people who live with mood disorders as I do. But, although I knew many existed, I didn't know them personally. My audience did not have a face that I could see. Today, at Living Room, I can again support people with mood disorders, but the beautiful thing is that now I can see them, eat with them, and talk with them. Through our devotional times I can encourage them in their journey with their disorder and with God. Together we can share our troubles - as well as our joys - and bring them to God in prayer. For a person in need, looking after others' needs can be healing. At Living Room we all join in looking after each other's needs; we all benefit.

Living Room has become a very special place for me. I love welcoming the people as they come. I love facilitating the meetings. The work brings me joy and helps me feel stronger and cope better with my bipolar disorder. Living Room is now at the heart of what I do in my effort to reduce stigma and to encourage Christian support.

Today, in addition to the group at Brentwood Park Alliance Church, there are two other groups. They meet at:

• New Life Community Church in Burnaby, BC (see the contact page for details)
• Seven Oaks Alliance Church in Abbotsford, BC (see the contact page for details)

Another two groups are forming at:

• Highland Community Church in Abbotsford, BC
• Glencairn Mennonite Brethren Church in Kitchener, ON

Up to twenty percent of people will, at some time in their life, suffer from a form of mood disorder. Depression is rampant. Christians who suffer in this way very much need the compassionate, non-judgmental support that a group like Living Room can provide. If you know people who might be interested in knowing about Living Room, please forward this email to them, perhaps with a personal note from you. Support for helping new groups set up is available. Please check the website here.

A 26-page collection of sample Living Room devotionals is now available for a small donation by sending your name and address to marja@livingroomsupport.org.

In Christ,

marja bergen

(604)291-6254

Weird...

It's weird. I'm not depressed at all, yet I'm finding it so hard to get moving on the many things I need to do. I've had emails that need to be read and that need responses sitting here for days and I'm not getting to them. It just feels like too much. So many things I need to do, yet all I seem to want to do is retreat and read and read....and I'm not even getting around to doing much of that.

I haven't been visiting all your blogs either. Not that I don't want to. It's just that I have so much on my plate...and I'm having trouble picking up my fork and digging in. Don't know what it is. I'm frozen.

Guess it's time to make a list. Maybe I should buy some good chocolate and reward myself for each little thing I do. That would be a good plan, don't you think?...some good, healthy, dark chocolate. Yes!!!

...and in a snow storm yet

First of all, thanks to all of you: Jim, Paula, Dream, Nancie, and Jena for your comments on my last post. Looks like the topic of waiting is a good one for all of us to think a bit about.

Amazingly we had a big snow storm here in the Vancouver area. Huge snow flakes falling thick and fast...and we're almost into April! With all that snow I expected we would get a smaller turnout to Living Room than usual. It was sticking to the grass and to the trees, but fortunately the roads remained bare. Yet I made only 30 cups of coffee this time instead of the usual 36. That was not a good decision because we ended up with a record turnout of 22 people. They just kept coming. We had to make the table bigger to accommodate everyone and, even then, we were packed together pretty cozily. (We push 5 very long tables together to make one huge one, so we can all sit together.)

We ran out of coffee, we ran out of hot water, we ran out of cold water, and we ran out of meat and veggies. Yet there was plenty other stuff left to eat and I don't think anyone went hungry. Wonderful Cob's buns and Cob's apricot bread. Tilamook cheese, fudge brownies, and lots of other stuff. Such fun to get these lunches together!

After introducing the "waiting" topic (see my last post) and after everyone thinking about it for a while, making notes on their paper, we opened it up for discussion. One member eagerly shared what she was waiting for and amazed us with her story. Although everything we discuss is confidential, I'm not mentioning any names here. You have no idea who this person is, so I think it will be alright to share this with you:

Her family has been renting the same house for forteen years, their kind landlord never raising the rent during that time. Now he's selling the house and they may have to move to more expensive accommodation, which they can't afford, or to a much smaller place which would be cramped for them. But this person's take on it was this, and I'll try to remember what she said:

"I'm excited, looking forward to see what God has in store for us. We may have to move to a two-bedroom apartment or something, but if we do we'll get triple high bunkbeds or something. But I know everything will work out. I trust what God will do for us, He's always come through in the past. God is good. It will all work out."

This person's faith and trust in God was something to behold. I felt as though we didn't need to go any further with the discussion. But we did, and many people joined in, something I was very happy about. I think we all managed to encourage each other very well. What we realized was that the important thing when we wait is to keep praying and to partner with God in bringing about a good end to the wait. We don't just wait for God to do for us. By praying we are encouraged to do have the right attitudes and the courage to live our lives in such a way that we can wait with patience and trust.

There was a happy, joyful atmosphere through the whole meeting. Lots of laughter. Lots of support for each other. Living Room is a wonderful thing. I'm so grateful for it.

Waiting games

Living Room tomorrow. Yes!!! I'm so looking forward to it - so looking forward to seeing who all will be there. Will some people who haven't been for a while surprise me?

Our devotional will be about waiting. All our life seems to be filled with a long series of waiting games, doesn't it? As a child we waited to grow to adulthood. We wait for our first car. We wait to be able to pay off the car. ...and on it goes.

We will list some of the things we are waiting for and what the waiting feels like. Are we waiting expectantly, excitedly, or - in cases of illness or depression - with a sense of hopelessness? Are we able to wait patiently? What does it mean to be patient?

One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 40:1-3. I start my new book with this:

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit; out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Unfortunately, being patient and hopeful is pretty difficult during times of depression. It's the nature of depression to take away hope. And we often don't feel God's presence at times like that either, so it becomes hard to trust Him. Fear takes over.

It's good at times like that to have a friend who has a strong faith, a friend who would have faith for us, who will show God's love to us. If we can sense God's love through another person it will be easier to hang on and to be comforted and encouraged.

As we wait for things, we need to keep praying...though I know that this can be difficult in cases of depression. But we should try to pray realizing that - in the end - it is God's will that will be done. Instead of forcing our own will, we submit to God's. We need to do what we can, emboldened by our prayers, but then we put what we are waiting for in God's hands. That's where trust and patience come from.

If we can wait in that way - prayerfully doing what we can and leaving the rest to God - we will be transformed, as the Psalm above describes so well. It happened to Abraham (waiting for the son God had promised him), Moses (waiting to deliver the Israelites from Egypt), David (fleeing King Saul's army for ten to thirteen years), and Jesus himself (in the wilderness resisting the temptation of the devil).

...those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

I do hope we get a bit of a discussion going around this theme tomorrow.

It's not what we want

We came back from our holiday on the Oregon Coast last night. Had a great time: walking on the beach and on the park trails and doing lots of reading...and thinking. So good how being away helps give you a fresh perspective on life and on the things you want to do. I hope to have more of these get-aways in a couple of months when the weather is better. The weather for us wasn't great, but we did see the sun a bit and even sat outside in our chairs a couple of times, enjoying the fresh air.

One book I've been enjoying very much is Philip Yancey's Prayer. I had read most of this book about a year ago but became overwhelmed. Amazing how much Yancey finds to talk about on one topic. Recently I started again at the beginning, this time doing the reading in small bites. It's a lot easier to digest that way.

One neat thing I read that had a big impact on me was how prayer is not necessarily answered as we envision. In the end it's God's will, not our will, that will be done. Even Jesus, when he prayed at Gethsemane prayed "Your will be done" at the end of his struggle with God, asking God for a way out of the crucifixion that awaited him. It's a submission to God's will.

Yancey said, "In the end, I learn that God has ordained prayer as a means of getting God's will done on earth, not ours. Yes, God hears and responds to my requests. Yes, God somehow incorporates those requests into a plan of action on earth. But as many martyrs have learned, including God's own Son as well as Christians in the persecuted church today, we do not always get what we earnestly desire."

Yancey quotes Eugene Peterson: "Praying most often doesn't get us what we want but what God wants, something quite at variance with what we conceive to be in our best interests."

But we need to continue praying. We need to keep the relationship with God a close one by praying often. It's in that way that we will learn to discern what his will is and we can do our part in bringing that about. For...as Yancey continues discussing further in his book, we are partners with God. "God does very little on earth without the likes of you and us."

For me, prayer helps me find direction for my life and my work. Prayer has helped me find courage to do things that used to scare me.

Today I'm praying that my publisher will decide to publish my new book. I have done all I can to try to make that happen. But if it doesn't, I will just have to accept that it wasn't God's will for them to do it. I pray, waiting with expectation, but also in a state of surrender. It's in God's hands now.

Freedom and love

When I think back to my Living Room devotional on Friday, I can see that I must have confused some issues. I was trying to talk about the importance of love in our lives - both receiving and giving love - and how those can help us cope with depression. But somehow I brought freedom into the discussion - sort of jumped to it in an illogical way.

Pastor Don today talked about the freedom Christ's dying on the cross has made possible for us. I'd like to share some of his thoughts with you. I will share this post with my Living Room gang, hopefully unconfusing them a bit...hopefully giving my blogging pals and Living Room pals some Easter-timely inspiration.

A portion of Pastor Don's message - though not in the order he presented it: "We all serve something or someone and we all choose who we serve. If we serve only ourselves we'll soon find ourselves in bondage, subject to the culture around us that invades our life, slaves to materialism and to everything around us that calls for our attention. The paradox of the Christian life is that we find the greatest freedom in service to God. We only live truly as free people when we live our lives not for ourselves but for God and his purposes."

And from last Sunday's sermon: "When you begin to live to be the kind of person God intended you to be, you experience freedom."

And here is where my love topic comes in: God intends us to be people who live out of love for God and love for each other.

"For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole Law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Galatians 5: 13-14

And what gives us that kind of freedom? Accepting that Jesus died for us on the cross and becoming his follower. He gave himself as a sacrifice, a payment for our freedom from captivity to sin and all that hurts us. Pastor Don said that if we can understand the cost of this sacrifice we will understand the great value we are to God.

You are a person of great value and worth to God. He loves you in a huge way, more than you could ever imagine.

This will be my last post for a week or so. We're off to the Oregon Coast for a holiday. Time to relax. YES!!!

Good times

I'm feeling amazingly uplifted, ready to tackle my housework today, something I'm never very good at. Is it the Living Room meeting yesterday that put me into this good mood? I wouldn't be surprised. Those meetings always do wonders for me - in a magical sort of way.

We had a smaller turnout yesterday than we've had in past months - only twelve of us. I was a bit frustrated that we couldn't get a better discussion going around finding meaning in the midst of pain. I thought it was such a good topic, but everyone was so quiet. Is this such a foreign topic to most people that they haven't thought about this before? Am I alone in thinking along these lines?

Glad that my son and his wife are coming for dinner tonight. Glad that we're going to the Oregon Coast for a little holiday next week (hope the weather is good). Glad spring is coming. Glad my mood is up. I feel a freedom - an ambition to do some of the many things I've been putting off. Energetic. Thank you, God!

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Puttering along

First of all, I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post. Sorry I'm so long getting back to my blogging and responding to you. Why is it so hard sometimes to get down to it? Why does life have to be so complex sometimes? - actually, most of the time.

In a week and a half I'll be seeing my psychiatrist. I'm thinking of what I'll be telling him when I fill him in on the three months since I last saw him and I can see life HAS been very complex for me: helping my mother-in-law live her last days (and all that needs to be done when someone dies), my tv appearance (resulting in contacts from people far and wide), my best friend leaving town for two months (resulting in high anxiety and threat of depression), giving support to a suicidal friend, and large turnouts to Living Room meetings. Many mood altering events.

I don't have anything wise to say today. Just want to ramble a bit. Just need to talk about a bunch of nothings.

One thing I do want to tell you is that my publisher has promised to look at my book proposal by the end of this week. I'm scared. What if they decide it's not suitable for their list? I'm running out of options.

A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder is a much richer book than Riding the Roller Coaster. It was written by a more spiritually mature me. I wrote it to help Christians understand that it's possible to be a faithful Christian and yet have a mental illness. I wrote it to help Christians understand better so they could learn how to be supportive. I wrote it to dispel some of the stigma in the Christian community.

A Firm Place to Stand is important in the work I'm doing. If you are a person who prays, please pray that my publisher will make a favorable decision.

I got up at 3:30 this morning. Could not sleep any more. Nothing bothering me, I just want to get going on the day. I have lots to do in preparation for Living Room tomorrow. Buy some groceries for lunch, photocopy the handouts, call some of the members, go for a workout, clean a very messy house, answer some emails, blog. But this is a day I'm looking forward to. Tomorrow is a day I'm looking forward to. I have some neat stuff to bring to the table for discussion: "How do you find meaning when you're in pain?" and "How can we prepare for the depressions that we know will invariably return?"

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
(This is something I start the day with when I'm high. But no, I'm not high today.)

Love and depression

Did I ever have a flu! One like I haven't had in years! I was too sick to sit at the computer, but had plenty of time to think. One thought I had repeatedly was, "At least I'm not depressed." Very few things are as bad as depression, don't you think? At least I knew the flu would be over soon. Depression takes away hope and you wonder if you'll ever come out of it. Today I'm still weak and my stomach is still queasy, but I'm strong enough to blog. So glad about that!

I want to continue the thoughts I posed in my last post: What makes some people choose life over death when they're severely depressed? Had lots of time to analyze that - mostly drawing from my own experience.

In New Light on Depression, Harold Koenig writes how we need a supportive ally who will say, "I love you, and there's nothing you could do or say that would change that. I am with you now, and I'll be with you as long as you need me. I believe in you. I know that your depression has placed a great chasm between the person you really are and the person you feel you are. But I will try to help you bridge that gap with love - mine and God's - for he loves you and believes in you too. We three are in this together - you, me, and God. And when this is over, together we'll find a way to use the pain to help others."

One thing Koenig said that has always resonated with me is that "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope."

I always read this unconditional love to mean the love we receive from God and others. However, I'm seeing more and more how it's even more important to give love to others. A friend from Living Room, as well as Merelyme in her comment on the last post, have told me how the love they have for their family and friends keeps them from taking drastic action when they're severely depressed.

And when we're giving of ourselves in love to others, we tend not to become depressed as easily. We tend to overcome the threat of depression and work our way out of it more effectively. When we concern ourselves with the needs of others, our own needs are not as great. As we think about others we don't think as much about ourselves. We know we're needed and it feels good to be needed. How could we possibly end our lives knowing that?

I truly believe that sharing God's unconditional love with others is the very best long-term antidote to depression.

Meaning in the midst of suffering

I have been thinking of why some people who have depression decide they want to die and then take the drastic action to commit suicide. Others with depression - though suffering - choose to live, no matter how dark their life has become. What's the difference? How can we persuade those who want to die that life is worth living? How can we persuade them to choose life, not death? How can we help them find meaning in life?

In 1946, as a result of his experiences as an inmate in a concentration camp, Viktor Frankl wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl concludes from his experience that a prisoner's psychological reactions are not solely the result of the conditions of his life, but also from the freedom of choice he always has even in severe suffering. The inner hold a prisoner has on his spiritual self relies on having a faith in the future, and that once a prisoner loses that faith, he is doomed.

Frankl quotes Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."

We who live with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder can learn from this. We know that we're going to hit depressions. Depression is for us unavoidable. What we need to do is to create a life for ourselves that is meaningful. During the times we're well we can build purpose into our lives, purpose that will be so important to us that we will hang on to the hope it gives, even during times of depression. We can choose to create a life for ourselves that will be so rewarding that we would not want to lose it, no matter how difficult the struggle becomes.

Personally, I have found meaning in facilitating Living Room, my faith-based support group for people with mood disorders. Now when I get depressed, I try to learn from what I'm going through so that I can share insights with members of the group. Even the bad stuff has value in it, though it may at the time be difficult to see. I know that this is God's work I'm doing and I have faith that he will help me do it, even when things get tough.

Everyone has gifts they can use to create a rich life for themselves, one they would never want to give up. But we have to work on building that kind of life while we are well.

Sacred space at times of depression

Susan of Bipolar Wellness has spoken a number of times about how she needs friends around her who will be with her when she's depressed, understanding that she may not want to - or be able to - talk much. I also feel that is the best kind of support a friend can offer. With the help of author Peter Scazzero, I've come to think of that quiet space between friends as "sacred space."

In his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Scazzero talks about how we need to recognize the uniqueness and separateness of other people and how true relationships "can only exist between two people willing to connect across their differences." And how true this is when one person is depressed and the other isn't! What a gulf there is between us at times like this! How can we bridge that gulf? How can we connect?

When I've been with friends who are depressed, I find the best way to be with them is to talk little, but to allow for lots of quiet time. We have gone for walks and I encourage them to talk about how they're feeling and respond a bit. But I allow for a comfortable quietness as well. That's the kind of presence I long for from my friends as well, when I'm depressed.

Scazzero writes, "When genuine love is released in a relationship, God's presence is manifest. The separate space between us becomes sacred space." When a friend will spend such comfortable quiet times with me, she cuts through the isolation I feel. What's more, a beautiful intimacy develops between us. And I sense God's presence.

A lonely place

Depression is a lonely place to be. The loneliness and disconnectedness we feel must be the worst part of it. We long for someone to reach us through that wall we have around us. We long for love to touch us and bring us out. We long to sense God's presence. We know God loves us, but we can't feel it. We are cold and alone. In limbo.

What can we do to re-connect? How can we find help?

At times like this I long for a call from a friend. I long to hear that someone is thinking of me and praying for me. I long to know that someone cares. That would, I think, in a small way break through the isolation I feel. That would, in a small way, cut through the wall and help me feel some warmth.

I need a friend who will listen to me and just be with me for a while, without making me feel bad about being the way I am. I need a friend who will not tire of sticking with me as I work my way out of the hole I'm in. I need a friend who will love me, no matter how ugly I feel. I need someone I can count on. I need someone who will remind me that God is there.

Surreal

It has been a few weeks since my mother-in-law died. Looking back on those last three weeks we spent with her seems surreal - a most uncommon time. I am glad we were able to spend her last days with her but, looking back, it wasn't easy.

I remember the weird feeling I had when I saw her slippers standing beside her bed when I knew she wouldn't be able to walk in them anymore. I remember how everything about her died, a little at a time: not being able to get up on her own anymore, not able to sit without getting dizzy; not able to eat solids - and then not able to swallow even the pureed foods. Her sight gradually went; her ability to speak and be understood left her; and gradually she fell into a sleep from which she didn't awake. We watched all this happen little by little. We let her go little by little. That was probably a good way for it to happen. Lots of time to let her know we loved her - too much to leave her alone at a time like that.

Boxes of her stuff are piled, untouched since the day we cleaned out her room. I need to get at them; I need to clean up. But it's hard to get started. It's hard for me to discipline myself to do anything that really "needs" to be done. We still have stacks of papers that need to be attended to as well. They've been piling up since we started staying at the home with Mom. There are unpaid bills hiding in there. I've been reading lots and spending time with friends, but it's hard to get motivated on the clean-up jobs.

And every time I walk through the room where we have Mom's stuff piled, I see the afghan that I covered myself with when I slept in the room with her during those last weeks. It brings me back to that surreal time.

The joy of "Living Room"

In her blog, Nancie talks about the joy CH Spurgeon's wife, Susannah Thompson, found in her ministry. A semi-invalid, confined to her home, she found something she could do to benefit others - something that benefited herself as well. Please check out her story as told by Nancie on her "Believer's encouragement blog".

I've often talked about Living Room here, and I will continue to talk much about Living Room. This support group for people with mood disorders which I founded and facilitate is an important part of my life. My experience with this ministry is similar to Susannah Thompson's experience with her ministry. It brings me great joy and is benefiting others as it benefits me.

At our group we start with lunch, then we have a devotional time. I draw the devotional from my own experience with struggles...and with joy as well. I talk about how God can work in our lives with mood disorder. Most importantly, we have a discussion surrounding this to see how this is true in the lives of the others around the table.

We have been having large numbers out to the meetings lately - twenty-two at the last meeting. So after the devotional time, we split into four smaller groups and have a sharing time. Members then have a chance to talk about how life is going for them. It's good for them to have a safe place like this to talk - and to find out that they're not alone in their struggles. We end the meeting by praying for each individual.

No matter what I'm going through, I find things I can bring to my devotionals to encourage others. This is God's gift to me. Through the trials I experience, and by staying close to God, I can find something helpful to pass along.

I often pray that God will fill me with his love and help me share that love with others. And he always answers that prayer. The best and most important thing I do at Living Room is to pass along this compassionate love to others. And what a joy that brings me! After almost every Living Room session I go home feeling great joy. It is an overflowing, but quiet joy. I've come to refer to it as holy joy.

Living Room is good for me and I know it's good for the participants as well. Unfortunately, this month there will be three weeks between meetings. I'll miss it. There are things I'm struggling with - sadness and anxiety. It would be good if I could have a devotional to pour myself into right now, in the process finding out what I can learn through dealing with it - finding what God has to teach me through this. But maybe I could blog about it instead. Maybe we could have an online Living Room!

If you think you might like to start a Living Room group in your church, do check out its website: www.livingroomsupport.org.

Enlarging your soul through grief and loss

Merelyme has opened a topic on her blog about suffering. This is a topic I also like to talk about, because I've suffered a lot of pain due to my bipolar disorder, and yet I know I've grown much through this pain as well. I don't like the suffering and do everything I can to not go through it, and yet I know that each time I do I come out richer at the end.

Yes, I did want to talk about this growth I've experienced through my suffering. And yet, I think I'm going to do an about face here and talk instead about the pain I've been feeling as a result of the loss of my mother-in-law and knowing that I'll be without my friend for two months. This is probably a different kind of pain than the pain we experience from illness. Yet grief can lead to depression, even more so for people who suffer from mood disorders already. It can be a trigger for a mood swing.

I, along with others in my church, have been studying a book by Peter Scazzero, called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. This book teaches how it's impossible to be spiritually mature, while remaining emotionally immature. Part of being emotionally mature is that when we go through the pain of grief and loss (as we all do) we should not try to cover it up. We need to feel it; we need to go through the process of dealing with it. Many try to numb the pain by denial, minimizing, blaming others or themselves, rationalizing, addictions and avoidance. (I don't want to go into the details of each of these. You'll need to read the book.) The thing is, we need to embrace the pain when it comes.

Scazzero says, "Loss marks the place where self-knowledge and powerful transformation happen - if we have the courage to participate fully in the process." He illustrates this, using the story of Job.

I think the loss of my friend for two months has actually hit me harder than the loss of my mother-in-law. I'm much too attached to this friend. I tell her everything; she is a soul-mate. So having her far away for so long will be painful. She has done this before and it put me into a deep depression. The difference that time, though, was that I felt shame for feeling so badly about her leaving; I felt guilty for missing her so much. I felt there was something wrong with me. This time, I've told her that I'm not going to feel ashamed of my feelings. I have every right to feel badly when someone I love so much is gone for so long. This time I faced the pain; I embraced the pain. And I was on the edge of depression once more.

But, as Scazzero's book and my pastor Don have pointed out, feeling broken does not mean I'm emotionally immature. Wholeness can be found, not by eradicating the brokenness but by finding wholeness in the middle of brokenness. As I've shown in a previous post, I've actually come to understand God's love more as a result of the pain of the past two weeks. I've come to understand the great pain he feels over us. To love much means to hurt much. And God loves us more than we could ever understand. Over the past couple of weeks I've come to feel more secure within the love of God. My soul has been enlarged. On Sunday Pastor Don said, "We are transformed by surrendering to God's love." And I did; and I was. And I am pretty sure I've now escaped the threat of depression.

I am now drawing most of my comfort from being there for friends who are in trouble. Eugene Peterson's version of 2 Corintians 1:4 in the Message says, " He (God) comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." Coming alongside others is healing. It leads to wholeness.

The wounded healer

The Catholic theologian Henri Nouwen believed that our wounds can be a source of healing for others. Not only do they help us to become compassionate, but they humble us. As we work toward healing in our own lives, we can help bring healing to others.

I'm finding that so true for myself. Over the past week, as I was battling anxiety and depression, I worked on a devotional to bring to Living Room. The topic was "Coping with our Pain." As I worked through my own pain, I found ways of helping others with their pain. I searched for healing and, through the pain I felt as I listened to last Sunday's sermon, I gained a new level of understanding of what God's love is like. This encouraged me and yesterday I did my best to pass on my understanding to members of the group. (a whopping 22 attendees yesterday - Wow!)

But in the evening, with it all behind me, I did not feel the usual joy I feel after Living Room. My depression was more severe and, what's more, I had nothing I could do with it. In anguish I emailed my friend. I'm not one to isolate during depression. I have a huge need to reach out - to grab something that will keep me from sinking. Talking with her helped.

This morning I had a good quiet time with reflection and prayer. I decided I need to do my best to help others deal with their emotional pain, in the process finding healing for myself - always keeping God's great love uppermost in my mind and heart - always sharing that love with others. I will be getting together with a few Living Room people over the next while, sharing with them, encouraging them as I encourage myself. We can encourage each other.

Henri Nouwen wrote a book called the Wounded Healer. Think I'll pick up a copy soon. It sounds like something that might encourage me - something that will help me remember I can do worthwhile things with my pain.

Abandonment issues

This is a piece I wrote for my new book, A Firm Place to Stand. I dedicate this post to A Voice in the Matrix, someone who knows what a feeling of abandonment is like - someone who recognizes that Christ understands, because He's been there.

My Ultimate Source of Support

…God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

My worst moments are occasional feelings of abandonment. I usually experience these at night. I have a sense of doom, a chilly emptiness. There is nothing to hold on to. No hugs are tight enough to take away my sense of disconnectedness. I’m filled with a huge sense of insecurity. I cannot sleep.

I don’t know where these feelings come from. Are they part of my bipolar disorder, or are they the result of multiple separations from family due to illness and hospital stays when I was young? Could they be Satan’s work? But the cause doesn’t really matter, does it? All I know is that at times such as these I need to go to my Bible. I need to pray. I need Jesus.

Some of the worst suffering Jesus endured was the sense of abandonment he felt in the Garden of Gethsemane as he tried to come to terms with the cross he knew he had to face. While he was in emotional anguish, his closest friends slept. Even Jesus, the Son of God, needed support from his earthly friends. “Can’t you understand that I need you?” was in essence what he cried out to his disciples as they wiped the sleep from their eyes. They had no idea what he was dealing with. Neither do my earthly friends when I’m in need. How can one person possibly understand what is happening in the mind of another? Only Jesus understands. He knows pain.

I can’t fathom how horrifying it must have been to deal with abandonment in the face of having wrists and feet nailed to a cross and being left to die a slow, excruciating death. I’m sure the cross would not have been as painful had he known there were friends below, expressing love and concern. But his friends deserted him. The people for whom he was dying mocked and ridiculed him. “He saved others, but he can’t save himself!...Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him!” (Matthew 27:42) Eventually he was even abandoned by his Father in heaven. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) he cried.

When I’m in pain, I have Christ I to go to. Jesus did not have a Christ to turn to. He had to deal with the agony of the cross on his own, without friends and, for a time, even without God. He bore the weight entirely alone.

His great love for us made Jesus willing to walk to the cross. Love allowed him to endure the torture. Even as he hung there, wracked by physical pain, loneliness and humiliation – all because of us! – he begged his heavenly Father to forgive us: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34) he prayed. He went through all of this because he knew we would then have everlasting life. Because of his sacrifice, I don’t have to suffer as much as I otherwise would.

When I need to talk to someone and no one is home, or when phone lines are busy, Jesus is always there, waiting for me. When I feel I’ve been deserted, I search my Bible and pray, and Jesus hears my cries. I can pour out my heart to him, and he fully understands.

I cover myself warmly, lay my head on the pillow and sleep peacefully once more. I know that I’m taken care of.

Thank you, Jesus!

A sadness wrapped in love

When I was looking after Mom I looked often at this picture which hung on her wall. I had photographed these cosmos flowers a few years ago in the rain and the water droplets make me think of tears. It's kind of a sad picture, but it's beautiful as well. There is a beauty in some sadness, don't you think?

I think that sadness that is wrapped in love is a beautiful thing, because love is beautiful. And love comes from God. To lack that sadness would not be beautiful at all. There is a kind of gentle richness - a bittersweetness - when someone has lived a long life and then closes that life. There was a bittersweetness about spending those last weeks with Mom, hearing her last precious words. One thing she expressed a lot was her gratitude to my husband and I and to others for looking after her at that time. I'm so glad we were able to do that.

There is also a kind of beauty in the sadness I feel surrounding my friend going away for two months. This, too, is a sadness clothed in love. And if you love deeply, you hurt deeply.

All of you, my blogging pals, have been amazingly supportive. I thank you very much for that. You've all - each in a bit of a different way - helped me deal with things.

Jim: Thank you for reminding me that suffering will bring transformation.

Anne: Yes, I just need to go through the pain because doing that it is a road to emotional wholeness. (My therapist looks like she's going to be a good one. She believes she can help me with some of the feelings of anxiety I have surrounding my friend being gone for so long.)

Susan: I'm so glad you are here and for your ability to relate to me.

Nancie: I am learning to understand God's love on a new level and that's exciting.

Cathy: We have new things we can talk about, don't we? Hope to see you and to share a big hug at Living Room this Friday.

And Merelyme: I just got your response as I was writing this post. Thank you for missing me. I've got to get back to your blog - and everyone else's real soon. I love my blogging family of friends.

Blogging to heal

Ohh, do I ever need to blog - to share with you some of the stuff I'm going through! But first I need to thank all of you who were so kind in sending your condolences when my mom-in-law died. I truly appreciated your thoughts.

I coped fine with everything until the day after the funeral. Then I found out that my best friend will be away for the months of March and April. This is someone I love very much, a kindred spirit, someone I talk to almost every day....and yes, someone I'm probably far too attached to. For the past few days I've spent much of my time in tears.

I guess spending most of three weeks at my mother-in-law's bedside as she lay dying took a toll on me, even though I thought I was handling it okay. Now my emotions are raw. I don't know what I'm most sad about, my mom-in-law's death or my friend's leaving. Can't distinguish. I just feel terribly sad.

I guess this is what grief is. Now I just hope that this grief does not turn into depression. I can't get depressed, especially while the support of my good friend is not here for me. Especially when there is so much I need to do. I'm going to do my darndest to not get depressed. Tomorrow I'm seeing a counselor, someone I've never seen before. I hope she'll be able to help me. I hope I'll like her. I hope she's good.

The sermon at church today was about love. One thing Pastor Don talked about was how great the love of God is. He talked about the "scandalous love of a father", the father of the prodigal son. The father welcomes the son back so eagerly, even running to meet him - something grown men at that time never did. (running would mean having to lift your clothing and showing your bare legs!) In spite of how the son had turned his back on him, the father threw an extravagant party for him. How much that father loved him and how it must have hurt him when this son first left! How he must have missed this son! The father in the story is meant to portray God and gives a good picture of just how great God's love for us is.

And when I think of the terrible pain I'm feeling right now, I can see the pain God must feel when he loses one of us. God understands the kind of pain I'm feeling now.

The end of a long life

I want to thank everyone who has been thinking and praying for my mother-in-law and for my husband and I as we looked after her. On Wednesday she passed away, safe in the arms of Jesus. We are relieved and had prayed that God would take her. Over the last few days she was no longer responding and truly ready to go.

My husband and I spent most of the past three weeks close by her side. I found out what it's like to live in a care facility, spending many nights sleeping in a cot in her room and eating there. Tabor Home was a good place to die. Mom was loved and respected by all the staff and they truly showed her their love as they cared for her. It was like dying at home. We're very thankful for the care she received.

The funeral arrangements have all been made, everyone has been notified, and now my husband is preparing the eulogy. During the open mike session at the reception I also plan to say some things. I want to say how thoughtful Mother was of other people, even as she lay dying. Several times she reminded me to call her sister-in-law to see how she was doing in her fight with cancer. She had me buy a 90th birthday card for her sister and dictated a note for me to write, explaining how things were for her and saying goodbye. When another resident who had not been well came into the room, she asked her if she was feeling better. Although she had a hard time speaking, she said several times, "I just want to thank everybody." This was a lady who was completely other-centered - a grateful lady. She was an inspiration for all whose lives she touched. And now, at the age of 96, only a few weeks after her last quilting session, she is at peace. She will be missed by the many people who loved her.

Soon my life will be back on track. I have much to do. Many emails have come in response to my TV interview and I need to get to answering them. There is interest in starting other Living Room groups and interest in finding churches that are supportive to people with mental illness. Much work to do. I look forward to the challenge and very much want to promote church support in whatever way I can. I will need to do more writing; I will need to have an info session for church leaders and a workshop for new facilitators.

I thank God that I am well. I thank God for allowing me to have spent Mother's last weeks by her side, knowing that I did all I could for her. And I pray that he will be with me as I go on to the next chapter of my life.

Time out

Hi everyone: Looks like I'll have to take a break from posting again. Mom ended up on the floor, climbing over the railing - amazing she can do that in her very weak state. So I'm heading out to stay with her overnight again. Don't know for how long this will be.

A complication: My husband is sick and not in any state to sleep in a cold motorhome. It's very much winter out here with lots of snow. So I'll stay on my own.

Did any of you see 100 Huntley Street? They did a wonderful job of putting the Living Room story together. I'm very happy with it. It can be viewed online at www.crossroads.ca. The story starts about 8 minutes into the program. Hope you'll all try to see it.

100 Huntley Street schedule change!!!

I got a call from 100 Huntley Street today telling me that they'd made a mistake telling me when my interview would be aired. It's going to be on tomorrow morning (not Thursday) on Global TV in Canada - 9 a.m. here in British Columbia. If you can't catch the show on TV you can view it online at http://www.crossroads.ca/broadcas/program.htm

The reporter spent an entire day with me interviewing me, taping a session of Living Room, and interviewing my pastor and a couple of members of the group. This program should give you a good idea of what Living Room is all about. I do hope you'll be able to watch it.

A complex life

I want to thank all of you who have been thinking about us and praying for us and for my mother-in-law. Life is complex for me right now, and yet I feel God's presence in a very clear way.

We've spent the past few days at home, traveling to see Mom for a few hours at a time. She is not doing very well at all. Her eye sight is failing badly and she is now needing to be fed, though she doesn't eat much at all. She is also becoming increasingly confused. Yet she is still her sweet self. It's hard to see her going through this and I hope and pray that God will soon grant her peace and take her from this suffering. When my husband wakes up I'll ask him if we can't once more take our motorhome out there so we can spend more time with her - so that we can be the ones to feed her. Each time we see Mom I hate to leave.

I had word from 100 Huntley Street, the Christian TV program that spent a day with me several months ago, that the interview they did will be aired this coming Thursday, January 31st. They also taped a session of Living Room. The program is on Global TV in Canada, though I think it may be available for viewing in the U.S. as well. In any case, Misha of Emptied Mango Sorbet informed me that it can be seen online the day after here.

What is going to happen once the program is aired? If there are people inspired by it I will need to be ready to help new groups start up. I will need to be ready to give talks if asked. And I should soon hear from my publisher whether or not they will publish my new book, A Firm Place to Stand. I'm also busy giving support to individuals and keeping up with friends. Life IS very complex right now. And yet, I don't feel stress. I feel God's peace. He is with me. And that is SO good.

By the way, I did get to the Living Room meeting on Friday, though one of the co-facilitators took the main part of the meeting. I'm so thankful to have such a lot of help. There were 18 of us present and it got pretty intense at times - but wonderfully so. That group is at the heart of all I do. It's so important to me - such a joy.

In a holding pattern

Thank you all: Dancer, Merelyme, Susan, Anne, Syd, Anonymous Mom, and Dream for your care and best wishes. Things are really on hold. Mom is stable and at present doesn't look like she's in her last days at all. As long as she is lying down, she is totally lucid and her gracious old self with visitors. But she can't stand or sit up by herself. When she is propped up in bed she quickly becomes dizzy and confused. She tries to eat a little bit of each meal, though she has no appetite. To think the doctor gave her only 24 hours to live last Wednesday! He is now saying she has the heart of an ox. Who knows how long she could carry on like this.

I spent three nights sleeping in the room with her and the last two nights sleeping in the motorhome with my husband. This morning I came home to look after the cat and some business while my husband stayed with her. Tomorrow morning I'll go back. I don't know how long we will be in this holding pattern - our life at a standstill. We will have to take it a day at a time. The awkward thing is that the home where Mom lives is 45 minutes away through some of Vancouver's most horrendous traffic. We can't just pop back and forth.

Our time spent at this care facility with Mom is not unpleasant. Her room is comfortable and peaceful with a good chair for each of us. The workers are friendly and cheerful. They all know Mom well and sometimes pop in to tell her they love her, even if they're working in a different wing. And Mom has many friends and family members visiting. In the evening we're brought a tray with tea, coffee, juice and cookies - complete with a vase of flowers on it. This is a good place to die, much better than a hospital would be.

Friday is Living Room day, but I don't know if I'll be able to be there. I've organized everything so it will be taken care of and will take the lunch supplies to the church tomorrow morning before I head back. Such a good thing that we have a good bunch of co-facilitators! All will be well.

Taking a break

Please note that I won't be posting for a while. We are staying at the care facility where my mom-in-law is, spending what we expect will be her last days with her. My husband in sleeping in our motorhome which we've parked in the parking lot and I spend my nights on a cot next to Mom in her room.

Please pray that she will go peacefully. I'm pretty sure she will. She has a big faith and is not in pain - just weak. She's having lots of company, people telling her they love her. Things are good.

Will catch up when I'm back home.