Giving support

Earlier this week Susan of Bipolar Wellness wrote about the importance of wanting wellness if we want to be well. "As far as I am concerned, the most critical component of achieving wellness is wanting it....Wellness doesn't occur in a vacuum. Whether you believe that bipolarity and/or clinical depression is a biochemical condition--or not--the only way to achieve wellness is to be willing to ask the difficult questions, and live a life that matters."

I wrote a comment expressing my frustrations with someone I'm giving support to who doesn't seem to want that wellness. At least she doesn't pursue it as I wish she would. I wondered at what point I should back off. Susan followed her initial post with one she titles When to Let Go. Susan talks about her feelings on the issue: "So, I guess my answer is that I believe the woman you're talking about needs to find professional help. And she needs to "step up to the plate" so to speak. If you continue to allow her to "take" from you, you'll have nothing left. And if she decides that life isn't living, ultimately that's her decision."

But, when I think back to what I felt like when I was depressed, and how difficult it was to be well, and how important it was for me to have the people I loved not give up on me, I can't see myself giving up on others. Perhaps backing off a bit and not staying too close is good for my own health, but I feel I need to stay available.

In his book, New Light on Depression, Harold Koenig wrote some things that I have taken to heart. He wrote: "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope."

I feel that we need to always remind people they are loved and not withdraw that love from people when they're going through hard times. One of the most important things a person with depression needs is to know that there's someone always available. Knowing that someone is available who understands - because she's been there herself - is invaluable.

Since starting Living Room, I've given support to quite a few people. While it isn't easy, it can be rewarding too. Though I walk with them through their valleys, I also experience with them the relief when they climb out again. When they call me and spend some time expressing their feelings to me and I have no answers, we can always turn to God at the end of the call. When I feel helpless and don't know what to say, we pray together. And those prayers are powerful. I feel the presence of God's Spirit. We call on God to give the person strength and patience. We ask him to embrace her and to help her feel his love. We turn everything over to God. When we hang up I feel I can leave it all behind because it's in God's hands, not mine. This is how I can usually manage to support people without it getting myself down.

As a Christian I need to be a conduit of Christ's love. And I've found that it's a joy to be that. It's rewarding to be that. And to walk with someone through their depression - to talk with them and to help them go to God with it - is a privilege.

I don't expect that everyone should be able to do this. I don't judge people who are not able to do this. We all have gifts that make us unique. This just happens to be mine.

Looking forward

The invitations to my July 19th book launch have gone out. I'm looking forward to hearing who all is going to come. I've invited a huge mix of people: mental health professionals, fellow writers, friends, relatives, neighbors, leaders from my church, and - of course - Living Room people. Some will be Christians and others not at all so.

One person I've invited is my old boss, a person who gave me a job when he knew I had a diagnosis of schizophrenia (a diagnosis that turned out to be wrong) and I was freshly discharged from the mental hospital. He trusted me with some of the most challenging projects, something I have always been grateful for. He did much to help rehabilitate me and build my self-esteem. I met with him about a year ago, for the first time in thirty years. Wanted him to read what I had written about him in my book. I hope he comes. He's quite elderly now, but I would like to thank him in front of everyone.

Soon I will start planning what I will say and what I will read from the book. That will be a fun challenge. How can I best speak to this kind of a mixed group? What can I give them? How can I best interest them? What do they need to hear?

I emailed Pastor Don today, telling him what a big responsibility I found this to be. But half an hour later I emailed again with my realization that it's not my responsibility - it's God's. It's God's work; he's in control. All I need to do is to be myself and to be led by his Spirit.

I'm looking forward to planning the food. My two best friends have offered to co-ordinate that part of the day and my daughter-in-law will help. I feel so supported by them.

Tomorrow is Canada Day and our church is ready to give a big party for the community. This is the eighth year we're doing it and hundreds of people come out for it. It's a huge effort that everyone helps out with. Fortunately it sounds like the weather will be perfect - dry and not too hot.

After "Living Room"

I went into Living Room today with a lot of prayer, trying to clear the clouds hanging over me and the prayers did help.

The meeting felt a bit stunted, though. I thought the topic for discussion that I brought was a good one. However, the eighteen sitting around the table were so unengaged in what I was saying. It was like pulling teeth trying to get people to talk. But I did eventually manage to pull a few into the discussion. Was it the large number of people? Last meeting we had only twelve and almost everyone took part. It was a lively time that we stopped only because it was time to go into our small groups. Today's topic was a similar one, but not too well received.

I pulled Pastor Don in by asking him what Peter meant when he said, "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do." (1 Peter 1:15) I asked, "So, Pastor Don, what does it mean to be holy?" Everyone laughed...and I only just now realize what was funny about that.

Pastor Don usually likes to just sit and listen, not taking part, preferring the discussion to be ours alone. But it's kind of fun to surprise him now and then with a question he's not expecting. And we really appreciate hearing from him. His explanation for the word "holy" was that it meant to be set apart, devoted to God.

My friend and I are emailing each other. She's explaining how she feels and I'm explaining how she misunderstood me. I would hate to lose this friend. She means a lot to me.

So where is my mood now? I feel the usual peace and contentedness I feel after a Living Room meeting. However, I also feel tears kind of near the surface. Perhaps I haven't had enough sleep lately. Perhaps it's the result of worries about my relationship with my friend. I don't know.

I have a busy few days ahead. Wish I could have a whole day off to just putter at nothing too much in particular. Catch up on my reading. Perhaps even draw or paint a bit. One day...

Dark before "Living Room"

Tomorrow is Living Room day, but I don't feel ready. Something happened tonight that threw a block of darkness in my way, making it hard to feel at peace. A friend misunderstood me and over-reacted, getting quite angry with me. I care about this person, so it's hard on me to have this happen. I don't like having people mad at me.

So many of my Christian friends have talked about attacks from Satan just before they were going to do some kind of work for God. And I remember the time last year that I was hit by a bus the day before Living Room. Though I wasn't hurt and there wasn't much damage to the car, it was pretty hard to get into the spirit that Living Room deserves. Tonight I feel dark again - not where I should be emotionally or spiritually.

Friends have often reminded me of Ephesians 6:10-18: "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes....put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand...." My friends tell me that there will be times I'll need to do that. I often say, "That hardly ever happens to me." But here it is happening now. I will need to read that passage well over the next while.

I pray that my friend will forget about being mad at me tomorrow. I pray that all will be forgotten. I was only trying to be helpful and she took it all wrong.

I pray that I will awake tomorrow with the dark blockage gone from my heart. I'll pray that God will fill me with his love and help me share that love with the people at Living Room. I'll pray for peace and healing.

In appreciation

Good morning everyone. It's a fine day here in Vancouver. Looks like the sun will shine on us today. I'm busy getting ready for company tomorrow night. Some friends who are important to me are coming for dinner and games. I've wanted to have them over since before Christmas - looking for an opportunity all this time - and finally it's happening. I'm trying to make everything just right - clean house and good food. Yes!! So looking forward to this!

If you read my last post you will know about my new understanding of what Jesus meant by the kingdom of God and the kingdom of heaven - of this being here, starting today. And I hope this doesn't upset any of you, because I know it's different from what most of us have been taught in Sunday School. But I believe we must listen to what Jesus said and not what people say he said. We need to listen to him first.

This new understanding is making me look differently at the world around me.

I remember clearly what happened when I first became interested in photography. I became very aware of everything, looking for things that would make good pictures. I came to appreciate the world in a different way - looking for beauty everywhere I went.

Yesterday I went for a walk with my husband, thinking about God and his presence with us. And I appreciated the sun and the gardens and the precious time with my husband. And I thanked God for all the good I saw and for the good time with my husband. And I experienced God's kingdom. I experienced a bit of the kingdom of heaven. And I felt full and happy.

It's so important to be aware of what is good and to do what is good and to be grateful. So important to love. There's nothing better for our mental health!

Heaven - starting today

Well, I'm finally fixed up computer-wise. Yesterday my husband bought me a brand new computer, completely virus-free. I can blog again - to my heart's content. This is so neat!

I've been doing so much thinking, so much exploring of what Jesus meant when he talked about "the kingdom of God" and "the kingdom of heaven." And I've been sharing with a couple of friends via email. Understanding what Jesus meant has been unbelievably hard and it's a mystery why that should be so. Is it this hard for others too?

One reason for this is that I think is that these phrases are so familiar that they had pretty well lost all meaning for me. They are words I tend to overlook. And, when I have looked at them, I assumed they referred to heaven after we die - because that's what has always been drilled into me from childhood on. And yet, Jesus said "the kingdom of heaven is upon us" and "the kingdom of God is within us." I've been grappling with exactly what that means.

Many people are now understanding that heaven begins today - now - for those who live under the reign of God. And I am now seeing it that way as well.

I think I have experienced heaven, especially as I do the work God has given me to do. When I support people with depression and when I lead Living Room sessions and when I worship in church - those are all little pockets of heaven - times of holy joy, feeling God close by.

Yes I believe eternity with God starts today when we live under God's reign - when we follow God and when we live the way He intends us to live and when we are what He intends us to be.
We still live in the midst of a sinful and evil world, and we will still suffer because of that, but when we hang on to God, believe He is with us, trust Him and follow Jesus' ways, we will experience peace and joy in the midst of it all. We will have lives that are full and overflowing.

We can start experiencing the kingdom of heaven here and now. Don't you think that's exciting?

I'm now re-reading the gospels, this time with my new understanding.

The Way of Jesus

I've been doing some exciting reading lately about things that make a lot of sense. The Secret Message of Jesus by Brian D. McLaren paints a wonderful picture of who Jesus really was and what it must have been like during the point of history he lived in to hear his message and to see what he stood for.

Many Christians seem to have lost track of what Jesus' message was. They forget that he was a radical - a revolutionary - wanting to change the status quo. He taught forgiveness. He taught us to love our enemies. He taught us not to be judgmental. He ate with fraudulent tax collectors, prostitutes, and the poorest of the poor. He touched untouchable lepers. He preached that love was more important than a long list of man-made laws. He spoke up against hypocrisy.

I myself have been unhappy about some of the way things in the church are, especially the stigma that is still attached to people with mental illness. Followers of Christ are in such a good position to help people who live with these illnesses. Faith is important for our mental well-being and we need our Christian friends to encourage us. This is best done with compassionate, Christ-like love by people who will take the trouble to get educated about the causes of our illness.

All too often Christians are like Job's friends, blaming us for our disorders, telling us that we're not right with God. Some will tell us to throw away our pills. "All you need is Jesus." One evangelist even said that there is no such thing as mental illness. "All such problems have a spiritual basis." They're judgmental. They have not learned the lessons Christ taught.

Christians need to be prepared to be radicals in this world, not going along with the status quo, fighting injustices. In many ways we forget to follow the ways of Christ. We've forgotten what Jesus stood for. If Jesus was a revolutionary in his day, we as his followers need to be revolutionaries in our day....because there are a myriad of injustices.

In Matthew 5 Jesus preached that the kingdom of heaven is for those who:

• realize their need for God
• mourn
• are gentle and lowly
• hunger and thirst for justice
• are merciful
• have pure hearts
• work for peace
• are persecuted because they work for God.

This is the code of conduct for Christ's disciples. How many of us follow them? How many of us have forgotten?

All hyped up

Guess I still have some symptoms of hypomania, though not very bad (I don't think).

I've been reading a lot and getting all excited about what I'm reading. Wanting to talk about it. Wanting to write about it. Not being able to let it go.

I just finished This Beautiful Mess by Rick McKinley, pastor of Imago Dei Community Church in Portland. It's about practising the presence of the Kingdom of God.

McKinley aligns himself with the emerging church movement, which suggests that a revolution is needed in the Christian church. Too many have forgotten that Jesus was a radical, not happy with the status quo. The way the world is today is no better - and probably worse - than it was in Jesus' time. If we're to be followers of Christ we need to be radical, as he was, not satisfied with leaving the world as it is. We need to work to fight injustice and poverty. We need to love others, remembering how God loves us. Jesus befriended the marginalized and healed them. He accepted sinners and ate with them. He did not stigmatize anyone. This is the Jesus in whose footsteps we're called to follow.

I don't know what I should do to calm down. To stop thinking so much about all this. To stop wanting to dig into books - deeper and deeper. I feel so hungry to learn. So hungry to understand what the Kingdom of God that Jesus talked about is. He said the Kingdom of God is upon us. It's not just tomorrow after we die. It's around us now, if we could only recognize it. We can practise the Kingdom of God by doing what Jesus did.

I know one thing: Living Room is one way in which we can practise the Kingdom of God. And I know that God is there at the meetings. It's God's work, and I rely fully on him to make it what it is. That explains the holy joy I feel afterwards.

I was going to write an essay on all this. However, perhaps one way I could calm down and let this all go a bit is by not doing that after all. Perhaps I'll spend my time instead creating invitations for my book launch coming up on July 12th. It's time to change gears.

A bit high

I've been stable for so long I had almost forgotten I can still have mood swings, just like other people with bipolar disorder. Funny how you start thinking you're invincible. Today I'm realizing that I'm showing some signs of hypomania.

I've had such a hunger to read books lately - lots of books. And then I get all excited about what I'm learning and want to - no, I need to - discuss it with people. Such a yearning to philosophize! I've called my best friend, needing to talk about stuff. I've emailed a couple of friends with thoughts that are overflowing. Asked my pastor to recommend some courses and books to help me with the work I'm doing. I have this feeling like I need to get some really good training to better prepare myself for the things I want to do. And I'm 62!!! Wanting to start all over as a student again!

Crazy thing is that I've been thinking I need to limit my activities. My husband has been complaining that I spend far too much time on church stuff, and that includes Living Room.

What is happening with me now reminds me of the time I first got sick when I was nineteen. I was at university and also hungry to read and learn. I bought many different kinds of books I couldn't afford. And I talked a blue streak to my friends until they couldn't understand me anymore. My mind was travelling faster than my words could keep up with. I gradually became psychotic and, after far too long without help, ended up in a psychiatric hospital, brought there by ambulance.

So you see, I need to take care of myself right now. Perhaps do a little less reading and lighter material, nothing that would encourage me to philosophize too much. Perhaps a novel. And I should do some tidying around the house (much needed). I could play my music loud (because my husband is away) and do some ironing. My ironing could become a cultural happening, with records that I haven't heard for a while.

I'm fortunate that I have a good friend who understands my disorder quite well. She mothers me. She caught me tonight, planning yet another activity that I could do. I respect this friend, know she is wise and cares for me, so I listen fairly well to her. I'm so grateful to have her.

"My yoke is easy..."

Before I begin, I want to congratulate Misha, a blogger I've known for ages but had lost track of. She has just graduated with an English literature degree - and not just graduated, but with magna cum laude, which means "with great honours." Very very neat. (Hey, I was finally able to link to something.) Whenever I've read Misha's blog I've wished I could be a student again - and learn, learn, learn. I always did love school. I envy you, Misha.

At Living Room on Friday I'm planning on discussing Matthew 11:28-30, a passage that has in the past had a huge impact on me:

Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

That's such a wonderful thing to read when you're going through tough times, especially when you haven't made God part of your life before! I guess these verses meant most to me when I was just in the process of becoming a Christian. (Yes, getting onboard did not happen to me all in one fell swoop.)

A yoke is a contraption that links two animals like oxen together so they can pull farm equipment. It can also be something a person wears, in Asian countries, for example, with something - like a bucket for example - hanging from each end. It is used to carry burdens.

A yoke suggests something oppressive; it suggests bondage. When we put on Christ's yoke, we are bound to Him. We surrender our own will. His yoke brings our passions and desires for the sinful ways of the world under control. The yoke allows Jesus to guide our thoughts and actions, so we'll follow His ways.

When I decided to come to Jesus and take His yoke upon me some twenty years ago, I welcomed it. I needed guidelines for my life. It meant that I finally had something meaningful to live for. The reason for my life became clearer to me. The yoke was easy and the burden was light. It wasn't oppressive at all. In fact, it was freeing.

In my new book, A Firm Place to Stand, I tell a story about a young boy who did not receive rules from his parents. One day he was finally given some very specific rules. And that made him very very happy. He felt cared for; he felt that his Mom was paying attention to what he did. That's what that yoke is like for me. It's the yoke of a loving Father.

In his sermon today, Pastor Don said something that I wonder about. He said that when we start following Christ things can become harder because we are no longer our own god. Life no longer revolves around us. I don't know if I agree with that. It certainly wasn't true for me.

How about you? What has Christ's yoke meant to you in your life? Was it hard at first? Do you find His burden (joining Him in His work) hard to carry?

An award

Life can get a bit too exciting at times, can't it? I just hope I keep everything together; I hope I stay cool, calm, collected,...and stable.

Yesterday I found out that I had received a Fellowship of Christian Newspaper award, an organization that represents about forty regional Christian newspapers in the US and Canada. I placed second in the First Person Article category for a testimony I had published in BC Christian News last year. Wow! I feel honored.

This article, No Longer Alone, is also online at www.canadianchristianity.com. I'm sorry! I still can't create links. Will have my talented son help me with my computer problems real soon (I hope). Anyway, check that website and do a search for the article and you will find it.

I had a look over my past few posts and was horrified to discover how much I've been repeating myself, especially on my favorite topic, "Love." I'm sorry and I hope I'm not boring you too too much. Does this have something to do with getting older? But I feel so young!!!

I have now finished reading Blue Like Jazz, so won't draw thoughts from that book anymore. I'm now on to my next book by another revolutionary Christian, Brian McLaren. The book is Everything Must Change. Sounds pretty radical, doesn't it? Love it. But it's a difficult book and a lot of it's beyond me. But the things I have understood appeal to me, so I will plow on and gather what I can.

Receiving love

Further gleanings from Don Miller's Blue Like Jazz:

Miller says, "...I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it. I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. When you get it, it changes you." He says that this is the key to happiness. And, "God's love will never change us if we don't accept it."

This is so true. In my own life I've experienced the kind of happiness truly experiencing God's love - truly owning it - brings.

Trouble is, there are many Christians who have a strong faith, believing in God, believing that God's love is unconditional and immeasurable, yet unable to "feel" that love. This is especially true during times of depression. Being able to receive love is the key to living a fully happy life.

How can we help people fully realize God's great love for them? How can we help people own that for themselves? How can we help people feel God's love?

That's probably my biggest goal at Living Room: to help people learn to experience God's love. Because I know that when they do, they will find healing.

Nonreligious Christianity

At Mark's Living Room last night we were discussing what the word religion actually means. The topic was raised when I started talking about the book I'm reading, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I must say I really like exploring revolutionary approaches to Christianity. Christ called us to follow Him; and Christ was himself a revolutionary. He did not believe in staying within the confines of religion as it had been developed by the holy people of His time.

Don Miller writes: "All the wonder of God happens right above our arithmetic and formula. The more I climb outside my pat answers, the more invigorating the view, the more my heart enters into worship....for so long religion was my false gospel. But there was no magic in it, no wonder, no awe, no kingdom life burning in my chest. And when I get tempted by that same stupid Christian religion, I go back to the beginning of the Gospels and am comforted that there is something more than the emptiness of ritual....By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder." He says, "I don't think there is any better worship than wonder."

I believe in the Bible and in following it and in being fed by it. It is God's Word. But it is alive too. It has been called the Living Bible. As such we need to not try to force our worship or understanding into formulas that are too narrowly defined. How we apply God's Word to our lives can be fresh for who we are today and the times we are living in. We need to read the Bible as the Bible speaks to us. Too often we are influenced by fixed views that have been around too long and are not valid for our times.

The important thing is: What did Christ teach us? He said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:37-40)

The Bible says, "But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code." (Romans 7:6)

Today - as it was in Biblical times - we need to worship and serve in the Spirit and not according to religion.

That's just the way I'm thinking about it today. What do you think?

Letters to God

Susan of bipolarwellness.blogspot.com (sorry, Susan, my computer is acting up again and I can't create a link) is doing a series on writing for wellness, something I'm very interested in. My emotional health has greatly improved from writing - writing in my journal, in emails to friends, in blogging, and in writing my books. My last book, A Firm Place to Stand, to be released in the next month, has especially strengthened me.

This made me think: If prayer is good for our health, and if writing is good for our health, how very good writing prayers would be for us. My journaling is often in the form of letters to God and I've found those letters very healing. If pouring out our emotions and our needs is a good thing, how much better a thing it would be to pour this out to our heavenly Father who loves us.

These journalled prayers are good to look back on as well. I've often gone back to read them and find out they've been answered. Not only is it therapeutic to write; it's also therapeutic to go back and read what we've written.

Writing for ourselves is one thing, but it's even better when we write for others. Sharing our feelings with others unburdens us, allowing other people - and God - to help us carry the pain.

Computer frustrations

Hi everyone!

I'm getting very frustrated. Most of the time my computer doesn't respond when I try to go to people's blogs, or even when I try to get to my own. Pop-ups keep invading and when I delete them everything shuts down. It's very discouraging. If you wonder why I haven't visited lately, that's the main reason. It's just very hard to get to you. I'm just glad I'm able to write this now and hope nothing happens before I have time to post it.

Will get my talented son to look into this as soon as I can get him to come over.

In the meantime I will try to get to you every once in a while...hoping God will give me some patience.

I know some of you are not doing well and I want you to know I've been thinking of you and praying for you.

Experiencing God's love

I'm reading a wonderful book, Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. The subtitle is "Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. Such a revolutionary, honest piece of writing! Such a refreshing look at the Christian faith.

Miller quotes a friend who said, "...to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so many times to love each other."

I've often told the story of how a person who I regarded very highly told me she loved me and would always love me, no matter what I do or say. She told me this at a time I was deeply depressed and did not think much of myself. This had such a huge impact on me. Through this friend I came to know how much God loved me. I remember the following days well. I bathed in the knowledge of that love - I savoured it - the feeling was one of great joy, holy joy.

We need to love each other. The best prayer I know is this: "Please, God, fill me with your love and help me share that love with others."

It's through you and me that people will come to fully understand God's love.

Finally back

I want to thank PJ for giving me a bit of a kick in the behind and encouraging me to write a bit here. Thank you for missing me, PJ. I've been feeling darn guilty for being away for so long.

Life has been a bit undisciplined lately with my husband gone, and that includes the blogging. On top of that, when I tried to go to your sites a few days ago and tried to post, nothing would load. It turned out to be a problem with my husband's computer which networks with mine. So...I have lots of excuses.

My husband is back now and I hope to get in gear again. I need to go grocery shopping; I need to cook again; I need to spend time with my husband. No longer the laid back approach to my day-to-day life. My holiday is over.

But in a week he's off again - this time for only a week.

Although my life has been undisciplined, I have been doing a lot of stuff. Have spent a lot of time with church friends and Living Room friends and did a lot of reading. I was only lonely one day. Not bad, eh? Actually, I almost feel guilty about not missing my husband more. But I did love the freedom.

And I stayed well - perfectly balanced - perfectly happy.

Now I hope to get back here a lot more often. I really do. And I will visit all of you before the day is out. It's good to be back.

Healing love

My biggest aim as a facilitator of the Living Room mood disorders support group is to help participants learn about and experience the love of God. It's when hurting people understand how much God loves them that healing can best occur. I know this, because this has been my experience.

It was when I was in the depths of depression that a person who I held in great esteem told me she loved me and that she would always love me, no matter what I said or did. This person is a very godly person and I knew that what she said came from God and that God was expressing Himself through her. And what a difference it made to me!

Now, when I help others through tough times, I remember what my friend did for me and I try to do this for others. I ask God to fill me with His love and to help me share that love with the people I meet. This is one prayer I can be confident that God will answer.

1 John 4:12 says, "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." It's through those of us who love God that God reveals Himself.

But God's love is unfathomable; it's beyond measure. We can only show a part of it, but we can do it with abandon. We need to accept others as Jesus did, using Him as our example, following in His footsteps. Jesus loved everyone - the poor, the sinners, the sick. He touched the untouchables and His loving touch made them well.

God's commandments that sum up all commandments given in the Bible is to love God with all our heart and soul and strength and to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. God IS love. If only the whole world could share in this love! What a better place this planet would be!

But we each have a little corner of the world - a little sphere of influence - people surrounding us who we can love - people whom we can help to heal. Let us ask God to help us share His love with them...with abandon.

At loose ends

With my husband away I have a lot of freedom, yet I'm kind of at loose ends as well. Nothing to tie me down...floating from one little activity to another...trying to talk to some friends every day to stay in touch with the world. It will be good to have him back.

Tonight I called an old school friend, my first time in a number of years to talk to her. But it was like we didn't really know each other anymore. We used to be best friends, but we've grown so far apart. A shame how that happens.

I tend to be a very loyal person, not easily giving up friends. For the first 16 to 18 years that I was a Christian I belonged to the same church. When I found I could not stay there anymore, I cried for weeks. My husband and I have belonged to the same camera club for as long as we've been married - 39 years.

When I think of the women who I consider my best friends now, I could not imagine growing apart from them. They mean so much to me. Yet I suppose it could happen, especially if we were to move away from each other. That's one reason my husband and I would never want to move away from here. We need to stay close to our church and our camera club and our friends. We both find change in those regards difficult to deal with.

Just some musings to pass away some lonely time. Tomorrow will be better. My Bible study group is meeting here for dinner.

Trust when things are rough

In anticipation of the publication of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand (sorry - no link yet) www.canadianchristianity.com are publishing excerpts from it.

The first article is about learning to overcome fear when symptoms of depression or psychosis start showing up. Fear is a universal response to suffering. At times it can be very hard to trust. What to do?

Can we have faith in God yet have a hard time trusting Him?

Hope you'll all have a look. I think you'll be able to identify.

Repainting Christianity

Well, I've been doing bits of boring stuff: getting a bit of clutter organized, though I have a long way to go. For interesting stuff I've got the last bits of my book to the publisher and they say they will soon have a couple of sample covers ready for me to review. Exciting! To think I will soon have this writing I've poured so much of myself into in an actual book. Was I as excited when Riding the Roller Coaster came out? I don't remember, but I must have been.

Another interesting thing I've started on is a wonderful book called Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, founding pastor of Mars Hill. The subtitle is "Repainting Christianity." The product description reads: "God never changes, nor do the central truths of Christianity. But our understanding of those truths is in constant flux. Christians will always be exploring and discovering what it means to live in harmony with God and each other."

The book is full of questions. Such a refreshing thing. Too many Christians live as though they think they have all the answers. The truth is that understanding God leads us to a lot of mystery. We can believe and yet accept that we'll never understand it all and that we need to keep asking questions.

Just a taste of what Bell has to say:
"...the Bible is open-ended" (it is alive) "It has to be interpreted. And if it isn't interpreted, then it can't be put into action. So if we are serious about following God, then we have to interpret the Bible. It is not possible to simply do what the Bible says. We must first make decisions about what it means at this time, in this place, for these people."

In other words, no one can say that he takes the Bible literally. It was written at a time in history when things were different than they are today. We need to interpret what it means for us, living in 2008.

Somewhere else Bell says:
"Questions, no matter how shocking or blasphemous or arrogant or ignorant or raw, are rooted in humility. A humility that understands that I am not God. And there is more to know. Questions bring freedom. Freedom that I don't have to be God and I don't have to pretend that I have it all figured out. I can let God be God."

I highly recommend this book, especially to those who want to believe in God but have had trouble believing everything the Bible says - those who need to understand that God is a fathomless mystery who we can embrace and believe in and love, in spite of it.

Beer and a pickup truck

And you all thought I was a prim and proper old church lady in her sixties, did you? I was just thinking tonight about how I probably wouldn't at all fit the image you might have of me.

My son has the car for a couple of weeks and I'm driving our silver pickup truck. Just learned to drive it. Sitting high and driving that powerful (more powerful than the car) machine makes me feel pretty tough. I'm a truckin' old woman, I am. Actually, that's all wrong. I'm NOT old at all. I actually feel around forty, even if I was born in 1946.

And here I am, drinking a beer from my husband's huge glass mug. Have come to like a beer now and then. It quenches my thirst and feeds the hunger at the same time.

My husband has gone off on a trip to Greece and I'm free to do what I wish. No cooking if I don't feel like it. This is a holiday. Amazing how much more free time you have when there's no one around to distract you!

Actually, though, this afternoon I started feeling somewhat lonely. Felt like talking to someone - because I like to talk a lot. My poor friends know all about that. I call two of them almost daily and email them and others almost non-stop. Thing is, my memory is poor, and what if I were to forget to tell them something? So I email as soon as a thought comes to me that I want to share. My poor pastor is one of the recipients. Guess I should feel guilty, and I do sometimes. But most of the time now I feel that they know me well enough. They know I need to do these things. I have a lot of thoughts that have to go somewhere.

While my husband is gone I'm planning to contact old friends that I haven't talked to for a long time. This is a good opportunity and I will feel less lonely.

Another thing I battled with this afternoon was that I felt restless, longing for interesting things to happen. I don't like to get bored and if nothing interesting is happening in my life, I make it happen. I'm a firm believer that it's within our power to make our lives as interesting as we want them to be. Just takes some imagination, motivation, and courage.

Trouble is, there are a lot of boring things in this house that need to get done, like cleaning up mountains of clutter. And that's another thing I was planning to do while my husband is gone...if I can make myself. But now - one hour before bedtime - I will settle down with my beer and read a good book.

Thanks for listening to my jabber. I had to talk to somebody.

Keeping company with God

Every once in a while I've referred to Philip Yancey's Prayer: Does it Make a Difference?, a book that I've gradually been working my way through. I've only read small amounts at a time, not because it's boring, but because I want to chew on every little bit, to savour every bite. Such a good book!

I've often thought of myself as a really poor pray-er. When I try to pray my attention wanders and, before I know it, I'm thinking of the things I need to do or a whole mess of other stuff that tends to come into my head to distract me. I'm not very good at remembering to pray for all the people I should pray for either, too disorganized to keep a list, or to refer to it when I have managed to put one together. How I wish I could do better!

But Yancey's book has offered me some comfort, helping me realize that maybe I'm praying a lot more than I think. He says that just keeping company with God during quiet times could be considered prayer, even if you're not using words. Prayer can be listening to God; we don't always have to be the ones doing the talking (in fact, we probably shouldn't be). Maybe those early morning quiet times I spend with my coffee, journaling, and letting my mind wander, is time with God. I know that's when many of my ideas come to me, ideas that I believe are put there by God. In much of my journaling I talk with God as well - a little "thank you, God" or "please help me with..."

Cassian said, "We pray best when we are no longer aware of praying." Maybe we pray a lot more than we think - unawares.

Yancey quotes someone named Marcia: "If someone asks me for help in prayer, I tell them to find what they most enjoy and do that, only do it for the glory of God....For me, it's painting. Start with what really energizes you and touches your heart: flowers, music, hiking, birds, gardening, whatever. Ask God to remind you, as you do it, that you're doing it for him....Spending time with God is what's important. We spend the time anyway. Why not recognize that we spend it with God, and then act like it?"

Prayer is a lot more than a shopping list of things we want God to do for us. Would we spend time with our parents just asking them for a bunch of stuff? Our parents simply want us with them, telling them about our lives and how we feel about things, sharing our love with them. God is with us all the time. We just need to remember that and live with the awareness of His love constantly within us and surrounding us. And how much more at peace and joyful we would be if we could do that!

We simply need to live in company with God.

A burning desire

A few days ago I was feeling anxious about the publication of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder. This morning I'm feeling eager. Can't wait to get it out there and to share all that I poured into that book.

I want to share here a couple of bits from the introduction, just to let you know why I wrote this. And, to be honest, to encourage you to look forward to the book as well.

"I have a burning desire to tell you my story. I long to tell you what I have learned from living with bipolar disorder* for four decades. I want to help others understand what it’s like to have severe mental health difficulties. I want to help you, and all those who read my story, to learn from the hardships – and the joys – I have known.

I’ve come a long way. As a young girl I was shy and withdrawn, afraid to say much in school. Now I speak out on mental health issues. Some even call me an activist. Today I am bubbling over with a lifetime of thoughts and experiences I want to tell you about.

Bipolar disorder (also called manic depression) is a difficult diagnosis to accept, but a rich and productive life is possible, much more so today than in the past. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I hope this book will encourage you, with the help of God, to find a better life for yourself."

Unfortunately, I have to miss Living Room today. I have to go to my husband's aunt's funeral. I hate missing, but I know the meeting is in good hands. Janice will do the devotional and there's lots of good help. What a blessing to know I can count on things carrying on, even when I'm not there.

Hope you all have a great day.

(I'm sorry for the weird fonts here. Couldn't make them do what I wanted them to do.)

Sorry for the absence

Hi everyone. I'm sorry I've been away from blogging for so long. I feel guilty about it - I really do. We were away for three days and the rest of the time my life has just been too complex to focus on writing something. I'm sure it wouldn't be too complex for the average person; I'm sure it's just me.

There are many things I'd like to share here. Have been reading some very good things in Philip Yancey's Prayer. Perhaps tomorrow.

My new book, A Firm Place to Stand, should be out within two months and I'm getting nervous. What if I overlooked something and left in some terrible, embarrassing errors? I just have a very uneasy feeling about it. For you who've had books published: Is that a normal way to be feeling?

And then there's all the stuff that will go with the publication: interviews (I hope), public speaking engagements (I hope), book signings (hoping I can do something about my dreadful tremors). But all of this is terribly stressful stuff, isn't it? I hope my moods will co-operate. I'm starting to feel stressed right now - this minute - just thinking about it.

I know, though, that there's only one way to deal with this: Remember that this is God's work I'm doing, and not mine at all. I'm only a footsoldier. He's doing the big job. All I have to do is put myself in his hands and trust him to lead me where I should go - do what he gives me to do, one little thing at a time. I need to pray.

Just so glad to be back writing here again. Thank you all for visiting.

The pain of stigma in the church

I haven't thought for a while about stigma within the church. My life has been pretty insulated. I don't feel the effects of such stigma. But every once in a while I hear a story that gets my blood boiling. It's not simple anger I feel, though. It's more like pain.

Someone who used to come to Living Room but can't anymore, told me how much the group had meant to her. Our support group had helped make her well. She is so enthusiastic about Living Room that she had decided to start a group of her own in another part of town. But what has been holding her back is that she finds it hard to get established or feel good in a church. And Living Room needs a church to sponsor the program.

This friend has painful memories of how her husband, who suffers from severe anxiety, was treated in the past at a church he attended with her. Members of the church tried exorcising his "demons" and told him he had no faith. I sense the pain she feels about not feeling she can get involved in a regular church. She has been hurt so much! So many have experienced similar rejection and judgement. The people who most need a place to experience God's love are all too often shunned.

At our Living Room meeting on Friday a lady told us about being at church with her daughter. When she explained to someone that her daughter had schizophrenia, the person replied, "It's a demon that causes that, you know." He said that with the daughter standing right beside them.

This ignorance causes such a lot of pain! When are people going to understand the medical truth about mental disorders? When will this attitude change? People who struggle with mental health issues need to be embraced by the church and given full support and love, following Christ's example.

There's nothing as painful to people who love God to be told they have a demon or that it's their lack of faith that's making them sick. This is a tragic situation that we simply can't allow to continue. This is an attitude we need to fight with everything we've got. We need to write and speak about this in such a way that people will listen.

This is what started me writing my latest book, A Firm Place to Stand. It will be published in two months or so and I pray that it will help educate Christians and help them to be compassionate rather than judgemental. Please, God, let it make a difference.

What makes you strong?

I listened to a talk given by John Stumpo to a group of pastors at a conference. One thing he said that impressed me was this:

"Your strength is not in what you do well but in what makes you strong - in what feeds you."

That's so true. A couple of years ago I would never have dreamed I could be doing the things I'm doing now. I was like some of the biblical figures, saying to God, "but I can't do that. I'm too small. I'm too weak." Yet I did end up doing it, listening to the call. And I'm becoming stronger as a result - emotionally and spiritually. I'm a different person than I was two years ago, because I'm doing something that feeds me, something I was cut out to do. Thing is, I never imagined I was cut out to do this. I am leading a life that I would never have thought possible for me.

It's amazing how God works! Amazing the journey He can take us on!

When I think back to 43 years ago...many months in a mental hospital...staff not holding out much hope for me...social worker talking me out of going back to school, suggesting it was beyond me...many periods of psychosis...afraid to talk in front of groups...low self esteem...not able to work at even a part time job.

Thank you, God, for where you've taken me. Thank you for helping me become a strong person. Thank you for helping me out of the victim role and into the role of supporter. You are an awesome God!

One track mind

I've been feeling kind of bad lately that all I seem to have to talk about or want to talk about is Living Room. My mind has been on a single track. Everyone must be getting very tired of this.

Yet my work is Living Room. It's so very important to me. But I know there's more to life than this.

At times I think I'm living like a nun, cloistered. I don't read the newspapers, don't listen to the news on the radio, don't watch any TV, hardly ever rent a movie. The only books I read - and I do read a fair amount - are the Bible and Christian non-fiction. I've quit photography because I feared it would distract me from my mental health work.

I do work out. I do play games with my husband when we have free evenings. And I'm going through the process of getting my book published, but that's mental health related as well.

My purpose in life is to help erase the stigma attached to mental illness, especially the stigma in the church. In the process I want to support people with mental health issues and help churches learn how to give support. This is the work God has given me to do. I feel comfortable doing these things. Living this kind of life makes me feel strong and well.

And yet...

I was reading a book yesterday about how to live the Christian life and found, deep in the middle of the book, a paragraph where the author mentioned she was bipolar. Just one little mention - nothing else. Wish I could focus away from my illness a little more than I do - more like this author did. Maybe one day.

In the meantime, I do think God wants me to be an activist. I feel moved to speak out as much as I can. I feel I need to help Christians learn how to support those who struggle with mental health issues.

Just hope people don't get tired of me.

An all-embracing place

First of all I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post. I'm sorry I haven't been more prompt about responding to you all. Just haven't had a lot of time or energy for blogging - so many other things to do.

Our discussion about alienation made me think of Living Room and how that's one place where I don't think anyone feels out of place or on the outside looking in. In searching the web on this topic I found out that self-help groups are excellent places to overcome feelings of alienation. I can see how that is true.

At Living Room each person is warmly welcomed. No matter what their emotional condition, they are fully accepted. Our open sharing of things that are usually kept secret from people on the outside is healing. Because of this transparency with each other, we come to love and appreciate each other for who we are. And with God at the center and Jesus as our example, how could we go wrong? The result is a very special place where everyone feels he/she belongs.

My prayer is that members of Living Room will take this sense of belonging with them to the world outside as well. I pray that they will gain confidence, knowing that they're not so different from others in that they're each special before God.

Like an alien

My pastor has been speaking lately about how Christians are like aliens in the world. We're different in many ways from those who don't follow Christ - in the ways we think and act.

I don't know if I've talked about this before (couldn't find it in recent posts, though I felt I had talked about this not long ago), but often I feel like an alien in the world, and even at church. As a teen I had social phobia, and it crops up again every now and then. In searching the internet I found that often social phobia is linked with mood disorders.

Research published by Cambridge University Press found that "Strong associations exist between lifetime social phobia and major depressive disorder (odds ratio 2·9), dysthymia (2·7) and bipolar disorder (5·9). Odds ratios increase in magnitude with number of social fears. Reported age of onset is earlier for social phobia than mood disorders in the vast majority of co-morbid cases. Temporally-primary social phobia predicts subsequent onset of mood disorders, with population attributable risk proportions of 10–15%. Social phobia is also associated with severity and persistence of co-morbid mood disorders."

I guess it's natural that having a mood disorder is going to make you feel different from others, like you don't fit in, like you're on the outside looking in. We are different in many respects. But those are such very uncomfortable feelings to have.

On the blogs I've heard many say how they don't feel comfortable at church. They don't feel accepted; they feel judged. It's one reason many stop going to church. But maybe these are false perceptions caused by social phobia. I know that my feelings of not fitting in are usually due to my own perceptions - not the perceptions of others.

When I reach out to others, not thinking about myself but thinking about the people around me, these feeling disappear. This, I believe is the solution to the problem. If we can stop thinking about our own needs but turn our thoughts to the needs of the people around us, our social phobia can stop being an issue.

I guess the biblical teachings to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is something we need to live by if we're to overcome feelings of alienation. If we can think of others, have the courage to reach out to others and show our love for them we will soon feel more like we fit in. Others will then reach out to us and we will feel that we belong. The old adage: "to have a friend you need to be a friend" is a valuable lesson we should not forget.

I know all this, and yet...every once in a while I still feel like an alien in a foreign land.

And...reaching out takes courage, especially when - perhaps - you're not feeling very confident or good about yourself.

Our life: a gift from God

When I was a teen I read a story in a magazine about someone who had done something to help disadvantaged people. I don't remember the details of the story but I clearly remember thinking to myself how I would like to do something to make a difference. Here I was, a shy (or depressed) young girl with social phobia, afraid to speak up in class, but wanting one day to do something really special to help others.

On Sunday Pastor Don talked about how this was true for many of us when we were in our teens and early twenties, before we became consumed with responsibilities. We wanted to make the world a better place. Yet so many of us get distracted as we get older. We need to make an income - and we work to make the best income we can so that we can afford the many things we need. ...And then we work a little harder so that we can afford luxuries as well. Earning money is a good thing, yet - in Pastor Don's words: "What most squeezes us into the world's mold is materialism. Our materialistic drive is really what keeps us from being serviceable to God....we serve ourselves; we serve a materialistic God."

"Live with an attitude of reverence and awe for the life that's been given to you. Every day is a gift from God. God has placed a value on our life. Jesus paid for our lives by his work on the cross." Every once in a while we need to stand back and look at this life God gave us and placed so much value on. How much of what we do really matters in the final analysis? We need to set the course of our lives with the final destination in mind. Is it going to be what will earn us most money? Or are we going to live our lives so that we can make a difference?

In closing Pastor Don said, "The most significant thing you can do is to build into the lives of others." This is something every one of us can do. Peter echoes Jesus' call to love each other: "...love one another deeply, from the heart." (1Peter 1:22) This is a love that will feel others' joys as well as their pain. We can make a difference in this world and it doesn't always have to be anything grand. We can make a difference in the lives of the individuals whose lives we touch...one person at a time.

And if we do so we will find ourselves blessed.

And by the way...

The Living Room meeting on Friday was awesome once more. Another big turnout of 22 people and a great discussion on the topic: "No one is indispensable."

Many members took part in the discussion. One person said that Jesus is the only one who is indispensable. Pastor Don said that it's the act the person does that is indispensable, not the person himself. One man disagreed with that, saying he would not be where he is today without someone who helped him find God and turn his life around. He felt that no other person but that one could have done that. ...and could another person have contributed what Einstein did?

In my own life, I know there would not have been a Living Room if it weren't for a number of people who came into my life - people who showed me how great God's love is - and a person who mentored me, encouraged me, and was just the kind of friend I needed. This friend is irreplaceable.

I brought along the comments some of you made on my post on this topic. They helped fill out the discussion very well. I think everyone appreciated your "presence" with us.

Bubbling over

Yesterday I took a day off. I took a day for myself - just resting and reading. It was a beautiful feeling. I felt like I was on holidays. My husband was working all day so I was alone. No one interfered with the quiet solitude I had been craving for a while.

But I was a little high too. I often feel that way after a Living Room meeting. And the more alone I was with my thoughts, the more they started bubbling over. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to talk to someone. I so needed to share my feelings and thoughts with someone. How I longed to talk to my best friend who has been away for such a long time now! I tried to call my second best friend, another very important person to me, and she was out. Finally I called my pastor's wife, also a good friend, and was able to let some of those bubbles flow over her. I felt better after that.

I always feel such a need to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I'm sometimes embarrassed about how many emails I send to my pastor, though he has assured me he doesn't mind. (am so happy about that) Don't know if that's a bipolar thing or if it's just my personality. I guess that's what makes me a writer. It's important to me to communicate with others. Can't keep anything to myself. Guess that's an okay thing, isn't it?

If you're reading this and you're bipolar, do you feel that way as well? Do you also have a great need to express your thoughts to others? Do you also bubble over?

Thankful

I feel so very grateful for where God has brought me. Somewhat overwhelmed when I let myself truly think about it.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how I had never been able to have a regular job because of my bipolar disorder. I had truly wanted to work and to be "something" and to help contribute to our family income. Many times I tried, but even part time jobs proved to be too stressful. I did work for a couple of years as a freelance photographer, but eventually had to give that up as well.

This friend told me, "But you're working now." And I realized that - although what I do now is not a paid job - I am working pretty steadily at keeping Living Room going and trying to help others set up. As part of that work I give support to individuals within the group when they need it, acting as somewhat of a counselor - a peer counselor - but mostly just being a friend. And then there's my writing and publishing my second book that I will - hopefully - have ready to distribute in a few months.

I'm feeling so very blessed to know that I am now able to work at something worthwhile and that it's not too hard or too stressful for me. In fact, I'm finding great joy in this work and would not think of giving it up.

When I think back to where I was 43 years ago...a young person in a mental hospital, behind locked doors and with bars on the windows.... I was psychotic for so long, paranoid, thinking there were men trying to kill me because I knew of their secret plan to destroy the world. During the day I marched up and down the hospital hallway, away from the windows where my enemies would see me, singing Onward Christian Soldiers in an effort to make them think I was not afraid. I have read my hospital records from that time. Doctors did not hold out much hope for me.

But twenty years later I found God and he has made a big difference in my life. Gradually he has been transforming me until I've become the person I am today - a leader. I still have frequent trouble with symptoms, but I'm able to live with confidence, able to weather the storms when they come.

In the past few years, during times of struggle, I've gone to Jeremiah 29:11 and found encouragement and inspiration there:

"For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

God has a plan for each of us. We just need to learn to let God lead. It's amazing what God can do in our lives when we truly trust him.

I'm so very thankful for where God has brought me.

Indispensable

Susan, of the Bipolar Wellness blog, wrote recently about the search for meaning, quoting some things Viktor Frankl said in his book, Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl said the following: "Everyone has his (or her) own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated."

That made me think of the statement so often quoted: "No one is indispensable." This may be somewhat true in the big picture - in terms of the world - but not completely true at all. Each of us is indispensable as persons of value and worth to the people whose lives we touch and we are of great importance to God. No one can replace us because each of us is unique in who we are and in what we have to offer.

A friend of mine is away on an extended holiday. Her work her is suffering. People who love her and depend on her are suffering because of her absence. She has left a hole. She is irreplaceable. She is indispensable.

Robert Louis Stevenson says something neat on this topic: "So long as we love, we serve. So long as we are loved by others I would almost say we are indispensable; and no man is useless while he has a friend."

Please pass this along

Message for church leaders, people with mood disorders and supporters:

You can give faith-based support to people with mood disorders.

The first Living Room support group, with its home at Brentwood Park Alliance Church in Burnaby, BC, is now nineteen months old. This outreach ministry, in partnership with the Mood Disorders Association of BC, offers Christian support to people with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders. The group is strong. It has over forty members and draws an attendance of up to twenty per meeting.

On January 30th, 100 Huntley Street aired a story about Living Room. Sherien Barsoum did an excellent job of producing the sixteen minute segment. I am very grateful to her for the work she did. If you didn't catch the broadcast, the interview can now be seen on the homepage of the Living Room website, www.livingroomsupport.org.

Ten years ago, as I was writing my book, Riding the Roller Coaster, I thought constantly of the people I wanted to encourage - people who live with mood disorders as I do. But, although I knew many existed, I didn't know them personally. My audience did not have a face that I could see. Today, at Living Room, I can again support people with mood disorders, but the beautiful thing is that now I can see them, eat with them, and talk with them. Through our devotional times I can encourage them in their journey with their disorder and with God. Together we can share our troubles - as well as our joys - and bring them to God in prayer. For a person in need, looking after others' needs can be healing. At Living Room we all join in looking after each other's needs; we all benefit.

Living Room has become a very special place for me. I love welcoming the people as they come. I love facilitating the meetings. The work brings me joy and helps me feel stronger and cope better with my bipolar disorder. Living Room is now at the heart of what I do in my effort to reduce stigma and to encourage Christian support.

Today, in addition to the group at Brentwood Park Alliance Church, there are two other groups. They meet at:

• New Life Community Church in Burnaby, BC (see the contact page for details)
• Seven Oaks Alliance Church in Abbotsford, BC (see the contact page for details)

Another two groups are forming at:

• Highland Community Church in Abbotsford, BC
• Glencairn Mennonite Brethren Church in Kitchener, ON

Up to twenty percent of people will, at some time in their life, suffer from a form of mood disorder. Depression is rampant. Christians who suffer in this way very much need the compassionate, non-judgmental support that a group like Living Room can provide. If you know people who might be interested in knowing about Living Room, please forward this email to them, perhaps with a personal note from you. Support for helping new groups set up is available. Please check the website here.

A 26-page collection of sample Living Room devotionals is now available for a small donation by sending your name and address to marja@livingroomsupport.org.

In Christ,

marja bergen

(604)291-6254

Weird...

It's weird. I'm not depressed at all, yet I'm finding it so hard to get moving on the many things I need to do. I've had emails that need to be read and that need responses sitting here for days and I'm not getting to them. It just feels like too much. So many things I need to do, yet all I seem to want to do is retreat and read and read....and I'm not even getting around to doing much of that.

I haven't been visiting all your blogs either. Not that I don't want to. It's just that I have so much on my plate...and I'm having trouble picking up my fork and digging in. Don't know what it is. I'm frozen.

Guess it's time to make a list. Maybe I should buy some good chocolate and reward myself for each little thing I do. That would be a good plan, don't you think?...some good, healthy, dark chocolate. Yes!!!

...and in a snow storm yet

First of all, thanks to all of you: Jim, Paula, Dream, Nancie, and Jena for your comments on my last post. Looks like the topic of waiting is a good one for all of us to think a bit about.

Amazingly we had a big snow storm here in the Vancouver area. Huge snow flakes falling thick and fast...and we're almost into April! With all that snow I expected we would get a smaller turnout to Living Room than usual. It was sticking to the grass and to the trees, but fortunately the roads remained bare. Yet I made only 30 cups of coffee this time instead of the usual 36. That was not a good decision because we ended up with a record turnout of 22 people. They just kept coming. We had to make the table bigger to accommodate everyone and, even then, we were packed together pretty cozily. (We push 5 very long tables together to make one huge one, so we can all sit together.)

We ran out of coffee, we ran out of hot water, we ran out of cold water, and we ran out of meat and veggies. Yet there was plenty other stuff left to eat and I don't think anyone went hungry. Wonderful Cob's buns and Cob's apricot bread. Tilamook cheese, fudge brownies, and lots of other stuff. Such fun to get these lunches together!

After introducing the "waiting" topic (see my last post) and after everyone thinking about it for a while, making notes on their paper, we opened it up for discussion. One member eagerly shared what she was waiting for and amazed us with her story. Although everything we discuss is confidential, I'm not mentioning any names here. You have no idea who this person is, so I think it will be alright to share this with you:

Her family has been renting the same house for forteen years, their kind landlord never raising the rent during that time. Now he's selling the house and they may have to move to more expensive accommodation, which they can't afford, or to a much smaller place which would be cramped for them. But this person's take on it was this, and I'll try to remember what she said:

"I'm excited, looking forward to see what God has in store for us. We may have to move to a two-bedroom apartment or something, but if we do we'll get triple high bunkbeds or something. But I know everything will work out. I trust what God will do for us, He's always come through in the past. God is good. It will all work out."

This person's faith and trust in God was something to behold. I felt as though we didn't need to go any further with the discussion. But we did, and many people joined in, something I was very happy about. I think we all managed to encourage each other very well. What we realized was that the important thing when we wait is to keep praying and to partner with God in bringing about a good end to the wait. We don't just wait for God to do for us. By praying we are encouraged to do have the right attitudes and the courage to live our lives in such a way that we can wait with patience and trust.

There was a happy, joyful atmosphere through the whole meeting. Lots of laughter. Lots of support for each other. Living Room is a wonderful thing. I'm so grateful for it.

Waiting games

Living Room tomorrow. Yes!!! I'm so looking forward to it - so looking forward to seeing who all will be there. Will some people who haven't been for a while surprise me?

Our devotional will be about waiting. All our life seems to be filled with a long series of waiting games, doesn't it? As a child we waited to grow to adulthood. We wait for our first car. We wait to be able to pay off the car. ...and on it goes.

We will list some of the things we are waiting for and what the waiting feels like. Are we waiting expectantly, excitedly, or - in cases of illness or depression - with a sense of hopelessness? Are we able to wait patiently? What does it mean to be patient?

One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 40:1-3. I start my new book with this:

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit; out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Unfortunately, being patient and hopeful is pretty difficult during times of depression. It's the nature of depression to take away hope. And we often don't feel God's presence at times like that either, so it becomes hard to trust Him. Fear takes over.

It's good at times like that to have a friend who has a strong faith, a friend who would have faith for us, who will show God's love to us. If we can sense God's love through another person it will be easier to hang on and to be comforted and encouraged.

As we wait for things, we need to keep praying...though I know that this can be difficult in cases of depression. But we should try to pray realizing that - in the end - it is God's will that will be done. Instead of forcing our own will, we submit to God's. We need to do what we can, emboldened by our prayers, but then we put what we are waiting for in God's hands. That's where trust and patience come from.

If we can wait in that way - prayerfully doing what we can and leaving the rest to God - we will be transformed, as the Psalm above describes so well. It happened to Abraham (waiting for the son God had promised him), Moses (waiting to deliver the Israelites from Egypt), David (fleeing King Saul's army for ten to thirteen years), and Jesus himself (in the wilderness resisting the temptation of the devil).

...those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

I do hope we get a bit of a discussion going around this theme tomorrow.

It's not what we want

We came back from our holiday on the Oregon Coast last night. Had a great time: walking on the beach and on the park trails and doing lots of reading...and thinking. So good how being away helps give you a fresh perspective on life and on the things you want to do. I hope to have more of these get-aways in a couple of months when the weather is better. The weather for us wasn't great, but we did see the sun a bit and even sat outside in our chairs a couple of times, enjoying the fresh air.

One book I've been enjoying very much is Philip Yancey's Prayer. I had read most of this book about a year ago but became overwhelmed. Amazing how much Yancey finds to talk about on one topic. Recently I started again at the beginning, this time doing the reading in small bites. It's a lot easier to digest that way.

One neat thing I read that had a big impact on me was how prayer is not necessarily answered as we envision. In the end it's God's will, not our will, that will be done. Even Jesus, when he prayed at Gethsemane prayed "Your will be done" at the end of his struggle with God, asking God for a way out of the crucifixion that awaited him. It's a submission to God's will.

Yancey said, "In the end, I learn that God has ordained prayer as a means of getting God's will done on earth, not ours. Yes, God hears and responds to my requests. Yes, God somehow incorporates those requests into a plan of action on earth. But as many martyrs have learned, including God's own Son as well as Christians in the persecuted church today, we do not always get what we earnestly desire."

Yancey quotes Eugene Peterson: "Praying most often doesn't get us what we want but what God wants, something quite at variance with what we conceive to be in our best interests."

But we need to continue praying. We need to keep the relationship with God a close one by praying often. It's in that way that we will learn to discern what his will is and we can do our part in bringing that about. For...as Yancey continues discussing further in his book, we are partners with God. "God does very little on earth without the likes of you and us."

For me, prayer helps me find direction for my life and my work. Prayer has helped me find courage to do things that used to scare me.

Today I'm praying that my publisher will decide to publish my new book. I have done all I can to try to make that happen. But if it doesn't, I will just have to accept that it wasn't God's will for them to do it. I pray, waiting with expectation, but also in a state of surrender. It's in God's hands now.

Freedom and love

When I think back to my Living Room devotional on Friday, I can see that I must have confused some issues. I was trying to talk about the importance of love in our lives - both receiving and giving love - and how those can help us cope with depression. But somehow I brought freedom into the discussion - sort of jumped to it in an illogical way.

Pastor Don today talked about the freedom Christ's dying on the cross has made possible for us. I'd like to share some of his thoughts with you. I will share this post with my Living Room gang, hopefully unconfusing them a bit...hopefully giving my blogging pals and Living Room pals some Easter-timely inspiration.

A portion of Pastor Don's message - though not in the order he presented it: "We all serve something or someone and we all choose who we serve. If we serve only ourselves we'll soon find ourselves in bondage, subject to the culture around us that invades our life, slaves to materialism and to everything around us that calls for our attention. The paradox of the Christian life is that we find the greatest freedom in service to God. We only live truly as free people when we live our lives not for ourselves but for God and his purposes."

And from last Sunday's sermon: "When you begin to live to be the kind of person God intended you to be, you experience freedom."

And here is where my love topic comes in: God intends us to be people who live out of love for God and love for each other.

"For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole Law can be summed up in this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Galatians 5: 13-14

And what gives us that kind of freedom? Accepting that Jesus died for us on the cross and becoming his follower. He gave himself as a sacrifice, a payment for our freedom from captivity to sin and all that hurts us. Pastor Don said that if we can understand the cost of this sacrifice we will understand the great value we are to God.

You are a person of great value and worth to God. He loves you in a huge way, more than you could ever imagine.

This will be my last post for a week or so. We're off to the Oregon Coast for a holiday. Time to relax. YES!!!

Good times

I'm feeling amazingly uplifted, ready to tackle my housework today, something I'm never very good at. Is it the Living Room meeting yesterday that put me into this good mood? I wouldn't be surprised. Those meetings always do wonders for me - in a magical sort of way.

We had a smaller turnout yesterday than we've had in past months - only twelve of us. I was a bit frustrated that we couldn't get a better discussion going around finding meaning in the midst of pain. I thought it was such a good topic, but everyone was so quiet. Is this such a foreign topic to most people that they haven't thought about this before? Am I alone in thinking along these lines?

Glad that my son and his wife are coming for dinner tonight. Glad that we're going to the Oregon Coast for a little holiday next week (hope the weather is good). Glad spring is coming. Glad my mood is up. I feel a freedom - an ambition to do some of the many things I've been putting off. Energetic. Thank you, God!

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Puttering along

First of all, I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post. Sorry I'm so long getting back to my blogging and responding to you. Why is it so hard sometimes to get down to it? Why does life have to be so complex sometimes? - actually, most of the time.

In a week and a half I'll be seeing my psychiatrist. I'm thinking of what I'll be telling him when I fill him in on the three months since I last saw him and I can see life HAS been very complex for me: helping my mother-in-law live her last days (and all that needs to be done when someone dies), my tv appearance (resulting in contacts from people far and wide), my best friend leaving town for two months (resulting in high anxiety and threat of depression), giving support to a suicidal friend, and large turnouts to Living Room meetings. Many mood altering events.

I don't have anything wise to say today. Just want to ramble a bit. Just need to talk about a bunch of nothings.

One thing I do want to tell you is that my publisher has promised to look at my book proposal by the end of this week. I'm scared. What if they decide it's not suitable for their list? I'm running out of options.

A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder is a much richer book than Riding the Roller Coaster. It was written by a more spiritually mature me. I wrote it to help Christians understand that it's possible to be a faithful Christian and yet have a mental illness. I wrote it to help Christians understand better so they could learn how to be supportive. I wrote it to dispel some of the stigma in the Christian community.

A Firm Place to Stand is important in the work I'm doing. If you are a person who prays, please pray that my publisher will make a favorable decision.

I got up at 3:30 this morning. Could not sleep any more. Nothing bothering me, I just want to get going on the day. I have lots to do in preparation for Living Room tomorrow. Buy some groceries for lunch, photocopy the handouts, call some of the members, go for a workout, clean a very messy house, answer some emails, blog. But this is a day I'm looking forward to. Tomorrow is a day I'm looking forward to. I have some neat stuff to bring to the table for discussion: "How do you find meaning when you're in pain?" and "How can we prepare for the depressions that we know will invariably return?"

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
(This is something I start the day with when I'm high. But no, I'm not high today.)

Love and depression

Did I ever have a flu! One like I haven't had in years! I was too sick to sit at the computer, but had plenty of time to think. One thought I had repeatedly was, "At least I'm not depressed." Very few things are as bad as depression, don't you think? At least I knew the flu would be over soon. Depression takes away hope and you wonder if you'll ever come out of it. Today I'm still weak and my stomach is still queasy, but I'm strong enough to blog. So glad about that!

I want to continue the thoughts I posed in my last post: What makes some people choose life over death when they're severely depressed? Had lots of time to analyze that - mostly drawing from my own experience.

In New Light on Depression, Harold Koenig writes how we need a supportive ally who will say, "I love you, and there's nothing you could do or say that would change that. I am with you now, and I'll be with you as long as you need me. I believe in you. I know that your depression has placed a great chasm between the person you really are and the person you feel you are. But I will try to help you bridge that gap with love - mine and God's - for he loves you and believes in you too. We three are in this together - you, me, and God. And when this is over, together we'll find a way to use the pain to help others."

One thing Koenig said that has always resonated with me is that "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope."

I always read this unconditional love to mean the love we receive from God and others. However, I'm seeing more and more how it's even more important to give love to others. A friend from Living Room, as well as Merelyme in her comment on the last post, have told me how the love they have for their family and friends keeps them from taking drastic action when they're severely depressed.

And when we're giving of ourselves in love to others, we tend not to become depressed as easily. We tend to overcome the threat of depression and work our way out of it more effectively. When we concern ourselves with the needs of others, our own needs are not as great. As we think about others we don't think as much about ourselves. We know we're needed and it feels good to be needed. How could we possibly end our lives knowing that?

I truly believe that sharing God's unconditional love with others is the very best long-term antidote to depression.

Meaning in the midst of suffering

I have been thinking of why some people who have depression decide they want to die and then take the drastic action to commit suicide. Others with depression - though suffering - choose to live, no matter how dark their life has become. What's the difference? How can we persuade those who want to die that life is worth living? How can we persuade them to choose life, not death? How can we help them find meaning in life?

In 1946, as a result of his experiences as an inmate in a concentration camp, Viktor Frankl wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl concludes from his experience that a prisoner's psychological reactions are not solely the result of the conditions of his life, but also from the freedom of choice he always has even in severe suffering. The inner hold a prisoner has on his spiritual self relies on having a faith in the future, and that once a prisoner loses that faith, he is doomed.

Frankl quotes Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."

We who live with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder can learn from this. We know that we're going to hit depressions. Depression is for us unavoidable. What we need to do is to create a life for ourselves that is meaningful. During the times we're well we can build purpose into our lives, purpose that will be so important to us that we will hang on to the hope it gives, even during times of depression. We can choose to create a life for ourselves that will be so rewarding that we would not want to lose it, no matter how difficult the struggle becomes.

Personally, I have found meaning in facilitating Living Room, my faith-based support group for people with mood disorders. Now when I get depressed, I try to learn from what I'm going through so that I can share insights with members of the group. Even the bad stuff has value in it, though it may at the time be difficult to see. I know that this is God's work I'm doing and I have faith that he will help me do it, even when things get tough.

Everyone has gifts they can use to create a rich life for themselves, one they would never want to give up. But we have to work on building that kind of life while we are well.

Sacred space at times of depression

Susan of Bipolar Wellness has spoken a number of times about how she needs friends around her who will be with her when she's depressed, understanding that she may not want to - or be able to - talk much. I also feel that is the best kind of support a friend can offer. With the help of author Peter Scazzero, I've come to think of that quiet space between friends as "sacred space."

In his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Scazzero talks about how we need to recognize the uniqueness and separateness of other people and how true relationships "can only exist between two people willing to connect across their differences." And how true this is when one person is depressed and the other isn't! What a gulf there is between us at times like this! How can we bridge that gulf? How can we connect?

When I've been with friends who are depressed, I find the best way to be with them is to talk little, but to allow for lots of quiet time. We have gone for walks and I encourage them to talk about how they're feeling and respond a bit. But I allow for a comfortable quietness as well. That's the kind of presence I long for from my friends as well, when I'm depressed.

Scazzero writes, "When genuine love is released in a relationship, God's presence is manifest. The separate space between us becomes sacred space." When a friend will spend such comfortable quiet times with me, she cuts through the isolation I feel. What's more, a beautiful intimacy develops between us. And I sense God's presence.

A lonely place

Depression is a lonely place to be. The loneliness and disconnectedness we feel must be the worst part of it. We long for someone to reach us through that wall we have around us. We long for love to touch us and bring us out. We long to sense God's presence. We know God loves us, but we can't feel it. We are cold and alone. In limbo.

What can we do to re-connect? How can we find help?

At times like this I long for a call from a friend. I long to hear that someone is thinking of me and praying for me. I long to know that someone cares. That would, I think, in a small way break through the isolation I feel. That would, in a small way, cut through the wall and help me feel some warmth.

I need a friend who will listen to me and just be with me for a while, without making me feel bad about being the way I am. I need a friend who will not tire of sticking with me as I work my way out of the hole I'm in. I need a friend who will love me, no matter how ugly I feel. I need someone I can count on. I need someone who will remind me that God is there.