Saturday, March 03, 2007

Hard to believe it could happen

When everything is going well - as it usually does for me nowadays - it's hard to believe that I could ever become depressed again. Yet, it can happen, and does happen, and here I am, depressed again.

Signs began appearing a couple weeks ago. I was easily moved to tears, sometimes a deep sadness coming from nowhere. Yesterday I talked to a friend. She noticed something before I did. I was very quiet, something I didn't notice myself. And later on - sure enough the old feelings I know so well but had forgotten are back. I now don't feel like doing much. I don't feel like cooking dinner and I'm irritable.

But - as I've learned and am teaching others about going through this - I mustn't ask "why?" but "to what end". This must be good for something. I know going through this is supposed to make me a stronger, more compassionate person in the end. But can I make use of this as I'm going through this somehow? Must I wait till I come out the other end? I hate wasting time! I hate doing nothing! I hate waiting! I hate the feeling bad about myself that comes with this!

...and I think of Living Room coming up this Friday. What kind of devotional am I going to share? Can I bring something of what I'm going through into the presentation?...something useful...something I could not share otherwise (without being in a depression).

What brings brightness into this dark place I'm in right now is the thought that it might be useful somehow: fodder. My head feels like it clicks into gear a bit.

I had been thinking of meditating on a couple of Psalms with the group. David wrote so many Psalms where he was in deep emotional pain, only to surface at the end as he thought of God's presence and love. That's exactly what makes the Psalms so powerful: the contrast between David's ups and downs and the hope he found in staying close to God. Perhaps I should write some Psalms too.

I must say though, this isn't really what you'd call suffering yet. I've only taken the initial big dip. Hope I'm not premature with this sob story. I speak mostly out of fear and knowledge of what has happened in the past. I must hope and pray I can pull out quick. If I try to make some use out of this - as I did in the writing of my books - will it be easier to deal with?


Dream Writer said...

Hey Marja - What to bring the Living Room? You just wrote it in this very post at the beginning. You asked a lot of fabulous questions...bring that and the answers!

What to do? Whether to sit and wait? and so forth...

The Power of Writing - that is what you did in this very post..

What can we DO when we are down? What can we DO when waiting for the ups while we are down?

Be creative, write, paint, draw, read, and inspire others.

No matter how down you are Marja, you have this way of inspiring others. You just inspired me with this post.

Questions I NEVER thought to ask myself!

I hope that you are feeling better soon :) I know you will come out of this with loads of smiles and inspiration

Nicole said...

I just surfed over here from amateur dancer's blog after seeing your kind and honest comments. I am thoroughly enjoying the read. I will be back for more...

marja said...

Hi Dream, Thank you so much for those words. It feels good to know that I was able to inspire, in spite of being down. Yes, I will ask those questions at Living Room, but I think I'll leave it up to the group to answer them. Everyone will have a different answer that is true for themselves. I'm looking forward to the group, in spite of how I feel.

What you mention about the Power of Writing is true. I will encourage my group to write: in a journal, in emails, in cards to friends, or start a blog of their own. Dumping what's inside onto a page is therapeutic - mysterious how that works.

Going to church this morning made me feel a lot better. People make me feel better.

Nicole: A big welcome to you! I hope you drop in again. I've gone to your site and am enjoying your posts as well.

bipolar_girl said...

Hope you feel better soon. take care

jumpinginpuddles said...

hope it goes well in the living room

jane said...

I'm not sure what the Living Room is, but throughout your depression, how is your love & faith in God? I don't know if it's still like this, but when I was a Christian, it seemed I only heard about everything good. Nobody talked about how to get through the horrible times, or that they even had horrible times. For myself, it felt very isolating.

I wonder, if perhaps, what you're going through today is because someone at the Living Room needs to be reassured that they aren't alone & that God hasn't abandoned them. This is when there's just 1 set of footprints.

Even in your moments of trouble, you're an inspiration.

marja said...

Hi Jane, Living Room is a faith-based support group for people with mood disorders. We talk openly about all we're going through and encourage each other. We remind each other that God is there through our ups AND downs. He is a constant, even at times when we don't feel his presence. We try to be the presence of Christ for each other, sharing in a loving way.

For myself, when I'm deeply depressed I still believe that God is there but sometimes have trouble hanging on to the fact that I can trust him to heal me. There was a time, once in particular a couple of years ago, when I lost all hope. Then a godly friend stepped in and showed me God's love in a big way. It helped turn me around.

My hope is that we, the members of Living Rooms, can be there for each other in this way as well. Love is the biggest thing. And God's love is powerful.

jane said...

That sounds like a wonderful support group. I'm glad to hear they've got something like that at churches now.