Monday, May 04, 2009

Changing gears

I've been experiencing a long series of mixed moods. This has gone on for weeks now and I'm getting pretty tired of it. Feeling okay for one or two days, then feeling down for a couple of days. Those mini depressed episodes can bring me down seriously low. I'm finding I constantly have to change gears.

I'm trying to do some positive things - some creative projects - hoping to boost my mood, hoping to reactivate me. Better than just lying around, I suppose, but so far it hasn't worked too well.

Today was a down day and as I look at all the things I'm committed to this week, I'm feeling worried I won't be able to handle them all. Not unless I can wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I have to pray for an up day tomorrow.

Too often I feel like withdrawing from everything, just hiding or disappearing altogether. Can't see how I can do all that's on my plate.

My negative thinking is affecting me bigtime. That's probably the worst of it. I struggle to hang onto my faith. I question my worth. I question whether God can still use me.

My pastor pointed out Psalm 42 and 43 to me this morning and they're an encouragement. At the end of each, David wrote:
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

And as I go through my depressed periods, I need to say to God: "...and yet I will praise you, my God and Savior."

Tomorrow I'll see my pdoc. See what he can do to help me.

In the meantime I need to give myself into God's hands and trust Him.


Brenda said...

Hi Marja,
I'm right there with you....feeling like hiding and disappearing. What amazes me is that so many of us have these same feelings. We struggle over and over again with those feelings of worthlessness and we are somehow defective. Know that you are loved by many....and especially me. I am so thankful for your love and encouragement to me...a total stranger. One day in our new bodies we will know each other fully and be able to hug. I look forward to that but for's a big hug from me in cyberspace. :)
{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}

Much love,

marja said...

A big (((((HUG))))) for you too, Brenda. Fortunately for me, my depressions lately only last for a couple of days at a time. Not so for you.
May you feel God's loving presence with you today, Brenda.

Love, marja

Wendy Love said...

I can identify with your ups and downs. I sometimes follow a three day cylce, three up and three down. It is a hard way to live, but at least I get the up days.... I will pray for you!
Wendy Love

marja said...

Thank you for your prayers, Wendy. Thank God this has been an up day and my pdoc is switching me back to a cocktail that has worked well for me in the past. I feel encouraged.
And yes, at least we get the up days. A long tunnel of depression is far worse than this is for us.