Sunday, May 24, 2009

To live with hope

I haven't found the stability that I had hoped for. Am once more on a downward spiral and it gets quite tiresome. Every time I find some hope, I fall down again. One step forward and two steps back.

And although I know my problem is medical, I also know that spiritually I'm not in a good place.

The beginning of Living Room and the growth of it was God's doing. All I had to do was to be God's voice, hands and feet. I was just a little foot soldier, following along. And that's what made it successful. The sense of failure I now have I can tell is simply because I'm looking at Living Room as "my" work and not "God's" work. I feel I'm not wise enough or strong enough to carry it. If I were in the right place spiritually, I would not feel this way. I would rest in God. I would let Him do His thing and follow along - trusting.

I pray today that I will learn to trust God more. I pray that I would look to God for strength and not to myself.

On June 19th we're starting a Bible study for Living Roomers called, "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." Peter got out of the boat to walk to Jesus. But when he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the waves, he began to sink. He thought in terms of what "he" was capable of on his own. He looked to himself.

I've been taking my eyes off Jesus. Looking at my own lack of wisdom and strength, as though that's what it's about - as though that's what I had to depend on. Yet that's not what it's about at all. It's not about me and what I can do. It's all about God and what God can do. I can do nothing without God.


Brenda said...

Marja......I find it SO hard spiritually when I am down. I just know at those times that God is carrying me and I don't have to do anything other than rest in His strong arms. Maybe you need a break from being the leader for awhile. Is there someone else who could step in for you?

marja said...

Hi Brenda, I guess I need to let go and let God once in awhile. I've let go of the devotional time for now, letting other people do that part. Fortunately there won't be another meeting for almost three weeks.

Wellness Writer said...

Don't you think part of your feeling this way is because you seem depressed, or possibly are cycling?

When you're well, I think you feel you can do it. And if I remember correctly, you've always thought it was God's work although you're the conduit. Maybe I'm mistaken, but that's how I felt you felt.

Anyway, this, too will pass. Feel better.


marja said...

Yes, Susan, I always felt that it was God's work, me being the conduit. But there are times you feel you're failing and you feel that it's all up to you. Easy to start feeling it's all up to you. It's something you fall into. And yes, I am depressed once more...sigh!

Thanks for caring, Susan.

Love, marja

Wellness Writer said...

Dear Marja,
I don't know how it works for you, but when I'm depressed, it always feels like I'm failing...even when I'm not. And I usually just need people to remind me that "it's the depression speaking" rather than reality.

So...I'm reminding you. And although it's always difficult to believe it when you're down, I know you can do this and do it really well.


marja said...

Thanks, Susan.

Wendy Love said...

You are brilliant! You said 'I am not wise enough or strong enough to carry it' and you were right! You are right on! Only God is wise enough and strong enough. And the less able you perceive yourself to be, the more able he is to do what he can do, which is ANYTHING!
My observation is that you are in a good spiritual place and not a bad spiritual place.
Feeling spiritually strong does not go hand in hand with depression. We all understand that part.
Maybe you are depressed about being depressed. I get like that sometimes. You felt like your medication was doing some good, and then, wham, those old thoughts returned! I know the feeling. But you have probably made some progress. As you have said, two forward, one back. Like childbirth!
I am praying for you.
Wendy Love

marja said...

Actually, Wendy, I said "one step forward, two back." That's more like what it presently feels like.
Saw my pdoc today and he says my meds should kick in around June 5th. Don't know how he could promise that, though. But what can he do? He needs to give me something hopeful to hang onto.
Glad to hear that you think I'm in an okay place spiritually. Encouraging to hear that from someone.

Emma said...

Dear Marja,
Your faith shines through in your writing. The present depression is temporary cloud cover, and I trust and believe it will pass. I am sure you are familiar with the lovely parable of the footsteps in the sand.
You are never alone and unsupported, even when there are moments of doubt.
Thinking of you. I love the title of your next Bible study. It says so much about faith and trust. All good wishes!

marja said...

Thank you, Emma. Your comment encouraged me.