Time out

Hi everyone: Looks like I'll have to take a break from posting again. Mom ended up on the floor, climbing over the railing - amazing she can do that in her very weak state. So I'm heading out to stay with her overnight again. Don't know for how long this will be.

A complication: My husband is sick and not in any state to sleep in a cold motorhome. It's very much winter out here with lots of snow. So I'll stay on my own.

Did any of you see 100 Huntley Street? They did a wonderful job of putting the Living Room story together. I'm very happy with it. It can be viewed online at www.crossroads.ca. The story starts about 8 minutes into the program. Hope you'll all try to see it.

100 Huntley Street schedule change!!!

I got a call from 100 Huntley Street today telling me that they'd made a mistake telling me when my interview would be aired. It's going to be on tomorrow morning (not Thursday) on Global TV in Canada - 9 a.m. here in British Columbia. If you can't catch the show on TV you can view it online at http://www.crossroads.ca/broadcas/program.htm

The reporter spent an entire day with me interviewing me, taping a session of Living Room, and interviewing my pastor and a couple of members of the group. This program should give you a good idea of what Living Room is all about. I do hope you'll be able to watch it.

A complex life

I want to thank all of you who have been thinking about us and praying for us and for my mother-in-law. Life is complex for me right now, and yet I feel God's presence in a very clear way.

We've spent the past few days at home, traveling to see Mom for a few hours at a time. She is not doing very well at all. Her eye sight is failing badly and she is now needing to be fed, though she doesn't eat much at all. She is also becoming increasingly confused. Yet she is still her sweet self. It's hard to see her going through this and I hope and pray that God will soon grant her peace and take her from this suffering. When my husband wakes up I'll ask him if we can't once more take our motorhome out there so we can spend more time with her - so that we can be the ones to feed her. Each time we see Mom I hate to leave.

I had word from 100 Huntley Street, the Christian TV program that spent a day with me several months ago, that the interview they did will be aired this coming Thursday, January 31st. They also taped a session of Living Room. The program is on Global TV in Canada, though I think it may be available for viewing in the U.S. as well. In any case, Misha of Emptied Mango Sorbet informed me that it can be seen online the day after here.

What is going to happen once the program is aired? If there are people inspired by it I will need to be ready to help new groups start up. I will need to be ready to give talks if asked. And I should soon hear from my publisher whether or not they will publish my new book, A Firm Place to Stand. I'm also busy giving support to individuals and keeping up with friends. Life IS very complex right now. And yet, I don't feel stress. I feel God's peace. He is with me. And that is SO good.

By the way, I did get to the Living Room meeting on Friday, though one of the co-facilitators took the main part of the meeting. I'm so thankful to have such a lot of help. There were 18 of us present and it got pretty intense at times - but wonderfully so. That group is at the heart of all I do. It's so important to me - such a joy.

In a holding pattern

Thank you all: Dancer, Merelyme, Susan, Anne, Syd, Anonymous Mom, and Dream for your care and best wishes. Things are really on hold. Mom is stable and at present doesn't look like she's in her last days at all. As long as she is lying down, she is totally lucid and her gracious old self with visitors. But she can't stand or sit up by herself. When she is propped up in bed she quickly becomes dizzy and confused. She tries to eat a little bit of each meal, though she has no appetite. To think the doctor gave her only 24 hours to live last Wednesday! He is now saying she has the heart of an ox. Who knows how long she could carry on like this.

I spent three nights sleeping in the room with her and the last two nights sleeping in the motorhome with my husband. This morning I came home to look after the cat and some business while my husband stayed with her. Tomorrow morning I'll go back. I don't know how long we will be in this holding pattern - our life at a standstill. We will have to take it a day at a time. The awkward thing is that the home where Mom lives is 45 minutes away through some of Vancouver's most horrendous traffic. We can't just pop back and forth.

Our time spent at this care facility with Mom is not unpleasant. Her room is comfortable and peaceful with a good chair for each of us. The workers are friendly and cheerful. They all know Mom well and sometimes pop in to tell her they love her, even if they're working in a different wing. And Mom has many friends and family members visiting. In the evening we're brought a tray with tea, coffee, juice and cookies - complete with a vase of flowers on it. This is a good place to die, much better than a hospital would be.

Friday is Living Room day, but I don't know if I'll be able to be there. I've organized everything so it will be taken care of and will take the lunch supplies to the church tomorrow morning before I head back. Such a good thing that we have a good bunch of co-facilitators! All will be well.

Taking a break

Please note that I won't be posting for a while. We are staying at the care facility where my mom-in-law is, spending what we expect will be her last days with her. My husband in sleeping in our motorhome which we've parked in the parking lot and I spend my nights on a cot next to Mom in her room.

Please pray that she will go peacefully. I'm pretty sure she will. She has a big faith and is not in pain - just weak. She's having lots of company, people telling her they love her. Things are good.

Will catch up when I'm back home.

A letter for Sandy

A couple of days ago, Sandy left the following comment on my last post:

"I don't know if this comment belongs in this section, but I did want to ask a question. What are some your hints to "keep going" when you really feel depressed and just want to stay in bed all day but know that you can't because of family responsibilities? I take Prozac daily, but because I'm 47 and perimenopausal, I don't think it is working too well at certain times of the month. My kids are 21 (in college), 17 ( a senior) and 15...and I can't just lay down and say "out of order" today. But that's the way I feel.
By the way, I appreciate your faith-filled posts very much. I sometimes feel guilty that being a Christian, I don't always feel or show "the joy of the Lord" because of depressive feelings and I'm not always that good at hiding them.
Sandy M"

Dear Sandy,

I think the most important thing you need to remember is that you have an illness and, though it's the nature of depression to make you feel guilty, this is not a justifiable feeling. Christians are not beyond getting depressed, just like they're not beyond having other illnesses. It has nothing to do with your relationship with God and you're not any less of a Christian. Please remember that God loves you, no matter what. And there will be times that you will have to allow Him to carry you - without any feelings of shame or guilt. Just let Him take care of you.

Nevertheless, you will feel better if you can manage to do some of the things you would normally do. It would be therapeutic to do so. Moving around and being active off and on through the day, even if you do spend a good part of it in bed, will be helpful.

Why not ask your children or husband to help you with some of the chores? When I've been severely depressed I've found that having my husband help me make dinner or wash the dishes, helped energize me. There's something about working alongside someone that makes the job a lot easier. The social interaction that then happened often boosted my spirit.

In my book, Riding the Roller Coaster, I listed the following for times when absolutely nothing seems worth the effort (now this is for a really deep depression):

• Change the scenery - move to a different room
• Take a sip of soda - let the bubbles dance on your tongue
• Wash your face and comb your hair - see how good that will feel
• Listen to gently music - become a part of it
• Eat a piece of sweet juicy fruit
• Hug your pillow - pretend it's your best friend
• Pick a flower from the garden - study its shape, color and texture
• Take a refreshing shower - Enjoy
• Bask in the sunshine - ten minutes will do the trick
• Point your face to the sky - let the rain wash your cheeks
• Write a description of your feelings - get poetic if you wish
• Watch a comedy on TV - the sillier the better
• Make a list of everything you're thankful for
• Beg a hug from someone close to you - squeeze hard
• Lie under a tree - look into its branches - listen to the whisper of the leaves
• Have a cup of tea with a friend

Maybe the above list isn't the one for you. Maybe you're not as depressed as all that. If so, going for a good walk each day would be better. They say that walking is as good as taking an antidepressant. And try to get out with people a little every day. Or talk to a friend on the phone.

In any case, for most people there will be times of brightening - windows of opportunity when you feel like doing more. Take advantage of those windows, but without overdoing it. Eventually you'll have more windows and gradually you will find yourself in a brighter place.

I hope these suggestion will help. And perhaps others will comment here with their own suggestions.

Catch up time

First of all: +PHc, Thank you for your caring words. My mom-in-law is not doing well at all - too weak to be up much. She is 96 years old and her life is slowly ebbing away. But her mind is crystal clear and she is not in pain. We will have to visit her lots in the next while.

And Cathy: It's so neat to have you visiting my site. So neat to have a Living Room member look in and take part. This EMPowerplus you speak of has concerned me a lot too. A few months ago I read the book Autumn Stringam wrote about it, A Promise of Hope. At the time I wrote a post about it. Personally, I would not change my therapy because I'm happy with the meds I'm taking. But I believe that for people who are not responding well to existing meds, this would definitely be something worth looking into. And yet I do think it's dangerous to make such claims about something that hasn't thoroughly gone through all the scientific studies. So many people with bipolar won't take their meds as it is. I just hope there won't be hundreds of people going off their meds because of this questionable promise. But yes, wouldn't it be nice if this miraculous cure worked for us all?

Now I must write to Sandi who left a comment on the last post. And for that I will devote a post of its own.

What feeds you?

At Living Room this Friday we're going to discuss what activities feed us and what activities drain us. When I think of what feeds me most, giving me joy, peace, energy, and satisfaction, I can see how important God's commandments are to my day-to-day life. God's commandment to love God, love others, and love ourselves are not merely given to us because it's a good thing to do or because we need to do it to please God. God gave us these commandments because he cares for us and wants the best for us. It's not just good for God - it's good for us.

I've learned that when I do things that flow out of love I receive feelings of joy and satisfaction. When I do things simply because I think I should, because they're a chore, I get dragged down - drained of energy and joy.

Jesus said to the Samaritan woman at the well, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14. Jesus referred to this spiritual water as "living water."

I've always sort of known what he meant by "living water," but was never able to quite define it to myself in words. But in the meditating I've been doing lately, I think I've come up with what he meant: God's love flows into us and then flows out from us to others - never lying still or becoming stagnant - always flowing. In the receiving and giving it quenches our thirst; it feeds us; it produces an abundant life. This is the Holy Spirit living within us, helping us to be the kind of people God wants us to be and helping us live the kind of lives that will be fulfilling.

For me, supporting people with mood disorders, both in bloggerland and in the world around me, feeds me tremendously. It gives me great joy. Cleaning house when I'm expecting friends over is okay too, especially if I listen to some good music while doing it. But when I have to dust, vacuum, and clean the bathrooms simply because "I should," that's draining - it's a drag.

So...What activities feed you? And what activities drain you? Where do you find most joy and fulfillment?

Getting rid of junk

Pastor Don started his sermon today in a way that was so apropos to what I am going through right now. He talked about the junk we all tend to collect. He talked about almost being at the point of checking the lane to make sure no one is coming before opening the garage door, so embarrassed was he about the mess in there. My husband and I feel the same way. Things have gotten so out of hand that we bought a pickup truck a couple of weeks ago, partly because we need an extra vehicle, and partly because we need to haul away a lot of junk...and not only from the garage. We have three rooms in the house where walking through the room and finding things is a challenge. Embarrassing!

Yesterday my 35-year-old son spent a couple of hours trying to get rid of some of the junk he's been storing at our house. I need the space for my studio. Unbelievable the stuff he has hung onto all these years: notebooks from elementary school, a pirate ship he made out of popsicle sticks when he was in grade five, an incomplete set of dominos in a broken wooden box - something he played with every time he went to Grandma's house when he was a toddler. Then there's the toy box Grandpa made for him for his first Christmas, lego, a collection of Mad magazines, a favourite tshirt from when he was nine, and a drawer of socks and underwear from his teen days. Unbelievable!

The preamble to Pastor Don's sermon led to a talk about the emotional junk we have in our life and how we need to deal with that if we are to be spiritually mature. In his notes he wrote, "God wants to transform your whole life - that is really what growth to spiritual maturity is all about - but for that to happen you will have to allow him into the junk rooms of your life and cooperate with His Spirit to clean up and clear out the junk that has accumulated over the course of your life." I hope my emotional junk rooms are not as bad as the junk rooms in my home!

One friend I spoke to after the service didn't know if she could go through with the series we'll be doing at our small group - studying the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and accompanying workbook by Peter Scazzero. She didn't think she'd be able to summon the honesty that was going to require from her. But as Romans 8:38-39 states: Nothing will separate us from the love of God, "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation..."
Knowing that should allow us to be honest with ourselves and with others. God will love us no matter what is revealed.

In the words of Scazzero: "Emotional health powerfully anchors me in the love of God by affirming that I am worthy of feeling, worthy of being alive, and lovable even when I am brutally honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly deep beneath the surface..."

Life's flow

Over the next two months our church is going to be studying a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. His view is that "it's impossible to be spiritually mature, while remaining emotionally immature." There will be several small home groups working on it and the sermons will, indirectly, deal with it.

One of the things this book states is that we need to balance our life between contemplation (being with God) and activity. Most of us are high on activity but very low on contemplation.

As I meditated on this, I struggled, wondering how much time I spent doing frenetic activity, especially the writing about mental health issues and trying to spread the Living Room concept, sometimes forgetting why I was doing it. Sometimes I get so caught up in the busyness of it all and forget the people I'm doing it for.

I concluded that my life needs flow out of love - love for God, for people, and for myself as well. This kind of love was Christ's major commandment. If more of my activity was permeated with this, I would be fulfilling God's purposes. I would be doing it all for the right reason. I would be living in God's presence.

I've slowed down on my mental health work - needed to in order to make room for Christmas in my life. Besides, I was struggling with mild bouts of depression. Now I've been feeling guilty that I'm not following through on some of this work. But I feel I need some rest, I feel I need to be prompted by the right reasons. I will know when it's time to get busy on it again. I'll have that urge that tells me action needs to be taken - action that can't wait. Then I will obey the call.

In the meantime I will obey what I currently feel called to do: clean up a messy room in my house and make a studio out of it for myself - a place to play. I will also spend time being with the people I love. My life needs to flow out of love.

A new lease

Wow! I'm feeling so much better now that the holidays are over. The pressure is off. I still have a lot of things I need to do and want to do, but I feel good about them - I look forward to doing them. Nothing needs to be done in a rush. An amazing thing mood is. What a difference it can make to your enjoyment of life.

Yesterday I saw my gp because I needed a new prescription for my thyroid medication. He asked me whether I had been stable. When I told him I'd been struggling, he decided to up my thyroid medication a bit. It turns out that my last blood test showed I was a little up in whatever it is (don't understand it all) and that there is a possibility that my recent mood disturbances might have been affected by this. There is a belief that bipolar disorder is linked with thyroid problems though no one knows yet why this is. Interesting, isn't it?

I spent this morning planning some menus for the next while and a good long shopping list to go with it. So long since I've done that. I've been lazy about cooking. Good to get organized about it. I find the most difficult thing about preparing meals is deciding what to cook. If I have some good solid plans in place, it's much easier to get myself motivated. Lists of all kinds are such good motivators.

I'll be doing some housekeeping to this site over the next while. As you've probably noticed, my blogroll is terribly out of date and many of you who visit me regularly and who I visit regularly are not even on it. This is because I just don't know how to program this stuff in and have to rely on my son to do it for me. He will be doing this soon now. I've tried to get him to show me how to do it but - so far - he hasn't trusted me with it. Says that if I make a mistake I could do damage to my site.

Must now get moving on this day. "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Good to be feeling so content and motivated again!

A steady flame

I've become lazier than I should be about blogging. There's something about sitting at the computer that doesn't appeal to me these days. Yet there's much I want to share too, and these things keep rolling around in my head.

One thing I've thought a lot of in the last few days is how Living Room has become like a steady flame for me, never wavering, never going out. No matter how my mood is, it gives me light. No matter how down I feel, I want to go to the meetings and lead. And no matter how down I feel, I'm able to lead. I want to give hope to the people I speak to there, and I always find a source for that hope. What a blessing that is!

In the spring, while I was going through a more severe depression, I thought I'd like to do a favor for a friend. I noticed how that thought was like a spark within me, providing some light, making me feel better. And it felt like that spark lit a candle, one that kept burning for a while. And I thought of how I'd like to share that image with my Living Room members. I wanted to tell them how lighting a candle in the dark can help us feel better. Just thinking of sharing this as a devotional kept my candle burning for the rest of the week. I was able to keep my candle lit. I was able to lead a good session.

There were 15 present at yesterday's meeting - not bad for this time of year when most activities are put on hold. We had a wonderful time. I quoted from Philippians 4:6-8 which I've had my Bible lying open to a lot lately:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

After a bit of discussion, we all took turns giving thanks to God. There is truly a peace that comes from thinking of the good things in our lives and being thankful for them. Not only does it help remove anxiety, it also helps with depression.

At Living Room we all support each other. Though I'm the facilitator, I receive support myself as well. I always come away feeling better and - most of the time - feel a wonderful, peaceful kind of joy after. I can be myself there, not having to pretend I'm well when I'm not. Though I'm the leader, I don't have to come across like I've got it all together. In fact, it's better that the members realize that I struggle like they do. When I'm real, everyone is encouraged to be real. There's great beauty in that.

That steady flame that is Living Room is an amazing, mysterious thing. It's God at the center. It's made of love. It heals.

Sharing...

Christmas is over...except that my mom is still here and we're expecting some family to visit today. But now that the gifts have been unwrapped I can share some of the pictures I made to give to friends. I had been holding off doing that, just in case these friends were to check my blog.

This picture is drawn from a painting my dad did. He didn't draw it with India ink the way I did. His was painted with oil or acrylic (not sure which) not with watercolor they way I did. The neat thing about working on this one though was that I studied his brush strokes very carefully and, in doing so, felt a closeness with him. With this picture I also made a special effort to learn to mix the colours better - something I've found very hard.

Dark - but winning

I'm still battling depression. Yesterday I had a great big list of things to do - last chance to do laundry, clean, shop, and wrap. I didn't know how I would get it all done. But my husband supported me wonderfully and helped throughout the day. There's something about trying to do too much that deepens depression, though. By the time evening arrived I felt truly down.

What has upheld me over the past while is playing. Several weeks ago it was drawing and painting pictures for friends. Sudoku puzzles have also helped me feel content. And the game my husband and I play often, Ticket to Ride, has provided a good distraction. These activities have the added advantage of developing brain power.

I've also had my Bible open to Philippians 4:6-8 a lot of the time: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. It's when I thank God for my friends and all that is good in my life that my mood goes up. This has helped me tremendously over past weeks. Knowing that I'm loved by my friends - and by God - has brought brightness and peace.

The preparations are complete. I'm into the thick of Christmas now. Today we'll celebrate with my husband's family - eleven adults and five children. Tomorrow I'll pick up my mom to stay with us for a couple of days. Christmas day my son and his wife are coming over. Boxing day we may also have a few people dropping in. Then I'll prepare for Living Room, which will have its regular meeting this Friday.

It will be good to get back to normal, won't it?

In the meantime, I do hope you will all have a happy time this Christmas. May God bless all of you.

Why did He come?

My mom-in-law is doing okay. She had her transfusion in the ER on the weekend - the ER, simply because - for a variety of reasons - it was the most efficient way to get her looked after. She is weak but in good spirits. On Thursday we'll take her to the specialist to see what he can do.

I'm still into a low grade depression. I can tell because I don't have much energy to do the things I would normally be doing at Christmas time. The thought of preparing Christmas dinner scares me. It seems like it will be a bigger job than I'm up to. My husband mentioned that he notices that I'm still down. He can often tell better than I do myself.

But the wonderful thing is that this is not a bad depression. Things could be much much worse. So I'm thankful. I putter at the jobs that have to be done and I find contentment now-a-days doing sudoku puzzles and playing Ticket to Ride with my husband when we have a free evening. My days are not at all black, just a pale wash of gray.

I've been eager for our Sunday church services this Advent season - eager to gather as much from them as I can. In his sermon on Sunday, Pastor Don mentioned John 3:16, the well-known verse we all learned to memorize in Sunday School: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." That verse is so common that those of us who are familiar with it hardly pay attention to exactly what those words mean. That's the danger when words become too common.

But Don then pointed out verse 17, one that doesn't get as much play: "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." Jesus did not come to merely point an accusing finger at the world for how bad it was. He came to help. He came to set the world right again. The story of his life shows that so well.

Oh, if Christians, as the followers of Christ we are supposed to be, would only pay attention to those words. Too often we're guilty of criticizing or judging. We need to help each other. We need to love the way Jesus taught us to. It's this kind of love we celebrate at Christmas time.

In the midst of the chaos

Mother's doctor called on Friday to take her in for another try at a transfusion. Unfortunately I was at Living Room and we missed the call. So yesterday we ended up having her picked up by ambulance and taken to the ER for the transfusion. It was the only way we seemed to be able to get it done. The regular department of the hospital who handles them did not return my repeated calls to them when I tried to set up an appointment. Poor woman ended up spending the night in that hectic environment.

With Mom's unwellness to deal with, Christmas is more chaotic than usual. But I think I'm handling it okay. It's just difficult to get around to - or to get in the frame of mind to - do the baking I'd like to do. But tonight I will try to make my shortbread cookies.

At times like this I am happy for Living Room. Living Room offers a retreat from the world, a place to be with other people, a place where I can be myself and I don't have to pretend everything is fine when it isn't. Even as a facilitator, I feel this. There is a lot of love in our group - many hugs shared around. Everyone truly cares about each other.

On Friday there were 18 of us present. I talked about how, during my 36 years of photography, I learned how the focal point of a picture - no matter how messy, busy, or chaotic it is - is always on that which has life. If there is a person in a busy picture with many elements - even if the person is quite small - that is where the eye settles. You'll focus on the person.

If we were to look on Christmas as a picture, a busy, chaotic picture with many different elements - the card writing, the shopping, the decorating, the parties - there is one focal point where we can rest our eyes. This focal point is Jesus, the whole reason we are celebrating this holiday. If we can stay focused on him, we will be able to find peace. The busyness won't bother us so much. In the midst of the chaos is the One who gives life. He is the light of the world. He is love.

Struggles

We took Mom-in-law for her transfusion today. Such a struggle getting her to the hospital. It took a while for her to be well enough to put her into the wheelchair, she was feeling so faint and almost passed out.

My husband and I did some shopping, since the transfusion was going to take about six hours to do. But we received a call from the hospital long before that time was up, telling us that she had a reaction to the blood and the doctor ordered the transfusion stopped. Another one will now be scheduled.

I'm so glad there is still something that can be done. Before I heard from the doctor that another try at a transfusion was possible, I had thought we had run out of options. But there is hope still, though this is touch and go stuff. I just pray that Mom will be strong enough to withstand all this. But she is a determined woman. Though her body might be weak, her mind is strong and she has tremendous faith.

Tonight I'm relaxing with a cup of tea, a new Christmas cd and the tree. (Yes! We finally have the tree up.)

...and tomorrow we will have a Living Room Christmas party - but not without a little sermon from me first :) I will talk about staying focused on Christ in the midst of Christmas chaos.

(If you don't know about Living Room yet, check www.livingroomsupport.org.)

...and life goes on

Christmas time. You'd think the world would stop all its problems for a while so that we could concentrate on celebrating Christ. But life goes on. ...Babies are born and people die.

My mother-in-law is sick. She's extremely weak. My focus is not so much on Christmas any more. I can see that it won't really matter if I don't get all my baking done. We need to focus on her - this lovely, precious woman of 96 who - up to a couple of weeks ago - was quilting and keeping up with her reading. The woman who - only three days ago - was so elegantly dressed in the beautiful two-piece dress (so difficult to find a dress now-a-days) I bought her for her birthday this year. The woman who I took care of like she was my own mother. The woman we kept alive a few years ago when the doctor had given up on her and had given orders not to hook up the IV again, which had accidentally fallen out of her arm. She was a mom for me who inspired me in so many ways. She taught me things that I missed learning from my own mom.

On Thursday we will be spending the day taking Mom to the hospital for a blood transfusion. Then she'll have a colonoscopy and, perhaps, surgery. Her doctor jokingly told us how the anaesthesiologist will have a heart attack, knowing he has to work on a 96-year-old. But she is so well in every way except physically, she has such a strong, good, wise mind, that we need to do all we can to help her survive this. We can't give up on her; and she doesn't want to give up.

I don't know what will happen this Christmas. I don't know whether she'll be well enough to come and celebrate with us. I would hate for her to be at the care home on Christmas day, though, remembering my time in hospital at Christmas when I was nineteen. It's the worst place to be at a time like that - a time meant for family and home.

I did get our cards done. They went in the mail today (one for you too, Desiree). I did get one kind of cookie made - a traditional favourite. Still a couple of gifts to buy. Still the tree to put up. I do so long for that tree in our living room. I long to sit in the dark with its lights shining, Christmas music softly playing. We need that kind of peace right now.

Strange, though. Focusing on Mom's needs right now helps me not to feel so overwhelmed. We'll just do what needs to be done and make the best of the rest.

A woman who used to be in my ladies' Bible study group has just given birth to a baby boy. And that's a source of joy....And so life goes on.

Need for a sabbath

First of all I want to thank all who commented on my last post: Terri, Desiree, Susan, Merelyme, and Isabella. So good to hear from all of you. And a big welcome to you, Isabella.

Today I feel a great need for a sabbath day. Although I'm doing much better mood-wise than I did last year, the pressures of the season have a way of grating on the nerves. Yesterday we went to a big family gathering and I came home feeling emotionally exhausted. I so look forward to Pastor Don's sermon today. I so long to once more reflect on what this season is all about. I so long for a day of peace.

We still don't have any decorations up at our house. I still haven't sat down to figure out whether I know what I'm going to give to all the people I want to buy for. I still have to get the Christmas cards done.

But today I'm going to have a day all for me - doing only what I feel like doing - not doing anything that truly needs to be done. Tomorrow I will carry on with the must-do's.

I don't feel truly depressed, yet there are indicators that suggest things are not the way they should be with me. There are too many messes around the house that bother me - small messes, yet messes I'm having trouble clearing away. I want to, but somehow I can't bring myself to actually do it. Ever felt that way?

I long for Living Room this Friday. We'll talk about how Christmas is affecting all of us this year. I know I won't be the only person having troubles.

This morning, before I start my official sabbath day (though please don't think I'm legalistic about this sabbath thing), I think I will make a list of all the things I'll need to do in these two weeks before Christmas. I know what will happen is that things won't look nearly as over-whelming as they seem to be. ...And I will try to keep lots of time for me in the plans - time to withdraw from the busyness - time to read and draw and play.

The awe and wonder of it all

Last year's Christmas was a stressful time for me. I truly suffered from all the negative aspects of the season: the huge number of fliers coming to the door irked me; the full parking lots at the mall overwhelmed me; the stores with the Christmas music and the pushing of goods bothered me. The materialism of it all - the having to live up to all the traditions, when I wasn't in the mood - the pressures of going to parties and having to entertain family at home were more than I could bear. I saw it as a chaotic time, one I wished I could escape.

But - blessing of all blessings - this year is different. I feel at peace. I don't feel pressured. I'm enjoying the season. And this started happening even as I was struggling with depression over the past few weeks. That's truly amazing! Thank God!

So I went to church this Sunday - the first Sunday of the Advent season - eager for Pastor Don's sermon. He didn't let me down. He talked about how Advent should be a time of quiet waiting - a time to look forward to Jesus' coming.

Unfortunately Christmas has become a time of chaos for many of us, when it should be a time of awe and wonder. Just think of it: the child Jesus who was born was God, come to earth to walk amongst us. He came to show us who God is and what he's like. He showed us God's great love and illustrated his amazing grace.

Christmas is very much a time of fantasy and nostalgia, a time when we try to recreate feelings we had in the past. But recreating those feelings can be difficult in the lives we're living today. We often end up with pain when we can't do it. But if we could remember to focus on Jesus, the whole reason we are celebrating, perhaps we could escape the pain and lighten the expectations we put on ourselves. Perhaps we could escape all the noisy stuff and the chaos.

The time leading up to Christmas should be a time for stillness, a time for peaceful reflection. Think about what a mystery God's coming into the world was! Think of the awe and wonder of it all!