Thursday, December 16, 2010

Jane's letter to God

Jane from startingitover sent me a comment to my last post that I think would be better published here as a separate post. I thank you very much, Jane, because I found great encouragement in it.

Jane wrote, "When I was in the hospital, I wrote a "letter to God" when I felt in the state you are in (I had posted it on my blog)... and it's a letter of pain, but one that pleads of hope. I'd like to share it with you."

"Letter to God"

I am going to believe that you haven't created depression and you haven't left me. I am going to believe that even though all I see is darkness all around me, that you are beside me and you are light. I am going to believe that you love me and care for me and I am not alone because you are with me, even though I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am going to believe that you keep your promises to us to have a life full of hope and purpose instead a life full of damnation and suffering. But just because I believe all these things, it doesn't mean that I feel them.

I feel the opposite of what you promise. It makes it difficult to want to be alive. I feel worthless and confused. I feel hopeless and insecure. I feel sad and scared. I want to run and hide. This darkness... perhaps it's a gift to hide the terrible emotions that are attached to my very soul. All the sleep... perhaps it's a gift to ignore the voices I hear when my mind is tired. All the withdrawal from others, perhaps it's a gift to others that I am not spreading my negativity and a gift to myself from creating a bad impression.

There is no conclusion. I am going to believe that you wrote a good end to this story and that in time, i will be exposed to the ending that you have in mind, not the ending that i have in mind when i'm in this destructive state. I guess for that, healing needs to take place. I know you heal. But i don't understand your timing or ideas behind healing. I guess one day I'll find out.

Love, Jane

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