Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Not for myself alone

Several weeks ago, when I was in huge depths, feeling very bad about myself - feeling ashamed for how needy I had become - I read something that encouraged me. In a Yancey book I was reading he said something like "We don't just live for ourselves alone." And this reminded me that I shouldn't think so much about myself - about how I feel and about how I'm behaving so pitifully. I can reach out to others with what I'm learning through all this. Perhaps not at this moment, but sometime in the near future.

This morning I read something I had underlined in my Bible:
This is how we know what love is: Jesus laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (1 John 3:16)

That's how I would like to be. How I hate what this disorder does to me when I think so much about myself! It's not how I want to live. I want to be other-centered. And I pray this morning once more that God will help me be that for others. To live for others, and not just for myself.

This morning I'm not feeling great. Plans I had made to make peppernuts with a little girl would, I think, be too ambitious a project for me. I don't know if I'd have that kind of energy. I don't know if I'd be a cheerful companion for her.

I will focus instead on helping my husband with a project of his - bottling some wine. I can be myself with him and he would appreciate my help and my company. If I'm going to be there for others, I need to start with my husband. If I only have a little bit of energy to put out, I need to spend that energy on him. To live for him, the partner God gave me. That man who has given me such great support for 41 years.


Jane said...

That was really inspiring. I haven't though of it from that perspective. Thank you for sharing that Marja. I'm really glad you have such a wonderful supportive husband :)

marja said...

Jane: Yes, I'm very fortunate to have him and I hope I never forget that.