Understanding people who don't understand

I was just puttering - looking through some old articles I wrote - and came upon this one. I don't think I've ever posted it here.

As a person living with bipolar disorder, I used to feel frustrated that so many people do not understand mental illness. I was angry that, because of the stigma that surrounds these diseases, people didn’t even try to empathize. But through my writing and educating others, I’ve learned that the problem does not lie only with healthy people who do not understand. It lies as well with those of us who live with mental illness. We share the onus of making the world a friendlier place for people like ourselves. This piece is for us.

I try hard to understand the people who do not yet understand. This helps me educate others on mental health issues, whether through my writing, speaking, or meeting with others.

We who live with mental illness need to go beyond thinking that others should understand us. We need to understand them as well. Understanding is a two-way street. All of us should understand each other. Those of us with mental illness should empathize with healthy people who need to be encouraged to learn what mental illness is and is not. We need the patience to educate them gradually. With help, they will learn, step-by-step, to cut through the stigma that so heavily surrounds mental illness.

We would like to see healthy people put themselves in our place, with empathy. But we with mental illness must also put ourselves in their place, to understand why they have so much trouble empathizing. We need to learn how to build empathy where it doesn’t exist. And we need patience with those who can’t identify with us—not anger or frustration, but love, showing them love in the same way we want to be loved. In this way, we will gradually remove the stigma.

If we believe in ourselves, without shame or guilt, others will not be able to hurt us as much with their unsympathetic attitudes. We will learn to ignore snubs and not return them. We will reach out to others who have trouble reaching out to us. We will learn not to internalize the stigma. We will not accept the stigma, but will live instead as though it doesn’t exist.

I’m fortunate to have a husband who has always supported me. I didn’t have to worry about keeping my disorder secret from unsympathetic employers. I had the freedom, ten years ago, to start educating the public by writing about my illness, trying to build empathy and compassion. My church friends gradually learned from me what it means to live with bipolar disorder. Today I enjoy a church environment in which mental health issues are an acceptable topic of conversation. The faith-based mood disorders support group, Living Room, that I started has become a much-loved ministry for my church.

Most people want to feel compassion for others. All they need is to understand our illnesses better. For that to happen, the stigma that causes fear and prevents people from learning must be reduced. And the only way to reduce stigma is to talk openly about these issues. When we talk naturally about mental illness, it’s amazing how many people with these problems come out of hiding. Others become more supportive, and suddenly sick people no longer need to suffer alone and in silence.

Though I’m still angry at the stigma, I no longer feel as angry about the misunderstanding. Today I try instead to understand people who don’t understand, knowing they need time to learn. If we educate with patience, one person at a time—loving them as we want to be loved—the world will become a better place.

As the Bible says, “…live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.” (1 Peter 3:8)

And that goes for all of us.

Celebrating

I'm celebrating - happy - joyous!! Tonight I had a call from a lady in Victoria, telling me that her church had its first Living Room meeting today. Another group is born - the tenth. Praise God, eh?

This particular group will be serving people with all kinds of mental illness, not only mood disorder. It is also not quite ready to do outreach work. Members so far are only from the host church.

What delighted me was that the facilitator was so truly happy to be doing this. And the participants are very grateful for the group. Now they'll have a place where they can be open about both - their faith in God and their mental health issues.

Thank you, thank you, God, for the work you are doing through Living Room!

Out of our brokenness

And now on with some more of what Pastor Don talked about a couple of Sundays ago:

Don said, "It's out of brokenness that God births a vision in your life....If God breaks your heart about something, He's saying, 'Do something about it.' ...Long before God gives you a vision He has been preparing you - He's been at work in your life - long before you even knew there was a God out there."

"...You may have had a painful life, experiences you wish you could forget. But if you give your life to God, no matter how bad - if you surrender your pains to God - God can work good things out of bad."

"...A vision given by God will always demand courage and boldness from us. ...If we think we can do it, it's probably way too small and not from God. A God idea will always stretch our capacity to think that it's possible. A God idea will always be beyond the resources we see available. A God-given vision is always bigger than our perception of our own human ability."

But the comment has been made by a couple in the congregation: "I've never had a vision from God. Surely not everyone is going to receive such a grand vision." Some people feel there's something wrong with them. They lead good unselfish lives, doing things for others, yet don't feel they've ever had one of these God-sized ideas. Some are feeling guilty about that. Some are feeling there's something wrong with them.

From my limited experience, I have seen that some of the greatest visions have come to those who have experienced the greatest pain in their lives. Don has also said, "Out of the source of your greatest pain, [God can bring forth His] greatest work." But, as he said, we need to surrender our lives to God.

Have you ever had a God-size vision? Do you feel that's possible for you? Shouldn't it be enough to be a help to others in whom a vision is birthed? Let's talk about it. How are you feeling about all this?

What do you live for?

I've been struggling. Wanting to write another post, but knowing it would not be an easy straight forward one to write. I want to continue writing about things my pastor Don has talked about - things that I've found very inspiring. Maybe I'll do this in bits and write two or three posts on the topic. Small bites are so much easier to chew.

Don asked, "Are you ever moved by something that grips your heart? Do you take the time to allow yourself to be moved by something, or do you live a too-busy, too self-centered life?" Everyone has something that bothers them deeply. Is there something - even a small thing - you can do to make things better?

"Do you have a sense that your life counts for something? Do you have direction?" Don quotes Seneca who said, "If a man knows not what harbor he seeks, any wind is the right wind." If we can take the time - quiet time with God - to chew on the things that bother us and look for a way that we could help, perhaps we could find direction for our lives. Life would become meaningful.

Many years ago now I was very bothered by the stigma that's attached to mental illness. This discontent would not go away. I was angered by it, knowing that mental illness was not anything a sufferer could help. It just isn't fair to be saddled by shame, as well as the symptoms of a painful disorder.

Bill Hybels wrote a great little book called Holy Discontent. The description of "holy discontent" on the back cover reads:

"What is the one aspect of this broken world that, when you see it, touch it, or get near it, you just can't stand? What reality is so troubling that it thrusts you off the couch and into action? This is what Bill Hybels refers to as a holy discontent: a personal 'firestorm of frustration' that, although sparked by that which is terribly wrong, can catalyze fierce determination to set things right. It is often during these eye-opening heart-hungering moments of engagement when you will hear God whisper, "I feel the exact same way about this situation. Now, let's go solve it together.'"

I had a discontent that would not go away. God lit a fire in me that won't die. The result has been many articles, two books, and the founding of Living Room, a faith-based support program for people with mood disorders.

Does it bother you too that people with mental health issues don't get more acceptance and better support from the church? Do you also feel such a "holy discontent?" Would you too like to form a Christian support group for people with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders in your church?

I never thought I'd be able to facilitate such a group. But I found out that when God is in it, He will do the work. All we to do is to share His love with others. You'd be surprised at what can happen.

If you're interested in joining me in God's vision to create a good place for Christians with mood disorders to meet together, I hope you'll check out the Living Room website and get involved.

Canada's best blog

I'm very proud to say that my daughter-in-law, Jeannette Ordas's popular food blog, everybodylikessandwiches, has been one of five finalists nominated as best Canadian blog. I'm so very proud of her. Please check her out and if you like it, could you vote for her? Today is the last chance to vote.

All the best, Jeannette. We love your creativity.

Having a vision for your life

I want to reflect in this post and the next - and maybe more - on the sermons Pastor Don gave in church over the last couple of Sundays. He has been doing a powerful series that should be of interest to anyone who is looking for meaning in life. And when you have bipolar disorder and a full life is not as easy to achieve as it might be for healthy people, it's important to find a way to find something meaningful to do, isn't it?

In this post I've quoted Don loosely, using some of my own wording. Hope that's okay, Don. Don asked, "Do you have a vision for your life?"

It's important to live with vision - with a dream for the future you want for your life - having a picture of what you hope for your future...or the future of the world. What matters to you? Is there something that bothers you enough that you'd like to do something about it? What does God want you to do with your life?

For me it's been fighting the stigma attached to mental illness. Working towards this - with the help of God - has been very fulfilling.

When you have vision you will have direction and a sense of purpose for your life. It will clarify what you should be doing and not doing. Vision gives meaning to even the most mundane things in your life. Working towards your vision will mean that you need to stay healthy. You will be motivated to look after yourself - eating healthy foods and getting excercise. After all, if you're to accomplish things, you'll need to be strong and healthy, won't you? It's all part of the bigger thing. Vision will inject passion and motivation for what you do. You'll be excited about life - eager to get up in the morning. Where there's a vision good things begin to happen. Where there's vision there's passion and joy.

How does God birth a vision?

Realize that God's vision is bigger than ours. He lives with a bigger perspective than we do. Vision is birthed in those who are concerned with what concerns God. We hear from God and are led by God when our interests are in more than just ourselves. Does what breaks the heart of God break your heart too? We need to live a life that is bigger than ourselves.

Proverbs 29:18 (NASB) says: "Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained." (in other words, anything goes) You live blindly, without any real sense of purpose or meaning.

When we start following Jesus we're called to deny ourselves - to stop focussing on our own little lives. God's concerns become our concerns. We allow God to let our heart break over something. If you think you can carry out your plans on your own, it's not from God. If it's from God it's overwhelming.

What is breaking your heart today? Are you ready to let God lead you to join Him in the work He's doing?

Finding fulfillment

My husband and I got back from our holiday last night. We had a wonderful time - a true true rest. Something I needed. Now I feel refreshed and eager to get back to work. I was even making a list of all the things I wanted to do when I got home...while I was still on the cruise.

Just before we left I was corresponding with someone who has bipolar disorder and hasn't been able to work for awhile. She wrote:

"I personally feel discouragement, a loss of identity, and a lot of shame & guilt having been off work for this long."

I can well remember similar feelings - actually throughout most of my adult life off and on. For many years I scoured the Help Wanted pages of the newspaper on a daily basis, hoping to find work I'd be able to do. I wanted to earn money. I wanted to feel I had some value. But the two or three times I tried to work at part time jobs, I couldn't keep it up longer than two months. Always ended up in tears. The stress was just too great.

I was constantly trying to find something meaningful to do - something that would make me feel that my life had some value. With my photography I tried to earn money; I tried to become famous. Though I did earn a bit of money, and though I did receive a good reputation for my photography, neither of these were fulfilling in the long run. "Is that all there is?" I would repeatedly think to myself.

As I got older I gradually learned what was most important to me. Now I love what I'm doing and don't feel I need to be rich or famous. I just want to help people with mental illness - just get a good feeling from doing so. I want to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. My life has become meaningful.

But it was a long road to get here. And, even now, there are times that I wish I could earn some real money, even though my husband supports the both of us well enough.

It IS tricky to find a life that is meaningful when bipolar keeps you from being able to make longterm commitments. And I do still have trouble comfortably doing that. Episodes still come along and I cannot trust how I'm going to be from month to month.

My book A Firm Place to Stand deal with a lot of these questions and the struggles I've had over the years. I found out that it IS possible to find a fulfilling life. It's tricky, and it will take a lot of work, a lot of trial and error. A person needs to do a lot of searching to find out what is most important to her and where her talents lie.

The person I quoted also made another comment:

"I'm wondering How can I actually feel OK about accepting this new life, and be at peace with it."

And it does start with accepting our disorder and the limitations it puts upon us, doesn't it? Yet I believe we can create a rich life, in spite of these limitations.

How do you feel about all this? Where have your struggles taken you? Have you been able to find hope in spite of your disorder? I'd love to hear your stories.

Off on a holiday

Just want to let you know my husband and I are going away tomorrow, coming back on January 19th. Will miss you all, but it will be good to get a rest in the warm sunshine - a Caribbean cruise of all things. We've never cruised before and may never have the opportunity again, so I look forward to the experience.

See you when I get back!

Further thoughts on God's plans

I need to write some more on this. Just re-read my last post and realize how hard it must be to accept for many. Did you find it discouraging or encouraging?

Personally, I'm just so excited that I can be doing something today to make tomorrow's world a better place. I know how hard it is to overcome the stigma attached to mental illness. I realize that it probably won't happen in my lifetime. But to think that things might be different for the next generation! To think that how I live my life today might help future generations!

I don't have to give up fighting for this because I can't see the results. Every little thing I do to work towards this will count something for the future. Pastor Don said, "The future is bigger than your lifetime. You can do something with your life that is bigger than your wildest dreams." (Actually, God can do it and we can be His hands and feet and mouth.)

Now isn't that thought encouraging? Doesn't it just make you want to do your best to work for what you believe in?

God's plans for us

Pastor Don Dyck's sermon yesterday inspired me so much that I want to share a bit with you. I've just come off a roller coaster of ups and downs and am not even absolutely sure whether I'm off it yet. There were times I didn't want to live anymore, times when I called the crisis line and a prayer line in the middle of the night. Yet this sermon spoke to me, helping me realize it may not all be for nothing. It helps me realize that God is there with me in the middle of it all and that this is all part of His plan (not that He made me suffer, but knew that I would).

Don focussed on Jeremiah 29:11, a verse that is loved by so many. I know it has often encouraged me:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Taken in context, the way Bible verses need to be considered, these words might not be saying what we think them to say. We should realize that God is speaking to the Jews in exile in Babylon. Their lives are in turmoil and they think life is hopeless. The verse prior to this one says:

This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place."

So...God does not necessarily promise our welfare immediately. When we're in pain - in exile - we may not experience God's promise anytime soon. It may not even happen in our lifetime! (Bipolar will be with me all my life, I know.) Yet verse 12 to 13 tell us:

...you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. "I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

God is at work. He is with us in the middle of any pain we might be facing. And how we live our life - no matter how hard - will affect future generations. The future God has planned for us is larger than our own lives. God's plan for us extends beyond our own lifetime. Even Moses, and many others with strong faith did not see God's plans fulfilled in their lifetime. But their work helped future generations.

I want to share Pastor Don's prayer with you because many of you are suffering as I so often do. And this prayer spoke so powerfully to me. I hope that you too will find hope here.

Father, you are an all-knowing God who sees our lives from beginning to end. You see every day of our life before it's lived. You read every page of the story of our life before it's written. But you also put the pen in our hands to work with you to write out our stories.

Sometimes we're trying to make sense of our experiences that don't make sense. Sometimes we're trying to find you in the middle of experiences where we can't see you. But I think that all of us want to find you, and you promise that if we seek you with all our hearts we will find you.

And so today we lift up all those who are experiencing painful circumstances in their lives - who feel they're in exile and feel this isn't going to end...and maybe it won't end anytime too soon. But I thank you that you promise to walk each step of the way with us. You never leave us. And you give us the privilege of being your presence in each other's lives as well.

So may we go into this year with sights lifted up and looking even beyond this year. As we engage fully in this life knowing that, and live fully this life with a sense that our life matters greatly and is more important than anything that we could ever begin to imagine or think. And that through us you could be laying - and are laying - the foundations of different things you want to do in the world beyond our lifetime.

Thank you for your work in our lives. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Released

Last night we took the tree and all the decorations down. A further release from the Christmas season. I can breathe easy again.

Turns out a lot of people at Living Room yesterday shared my feelings of relief. Too bad, isn't it, that a celebration that should be beautiful carries such stress with it? How can we possibly avoid that? Will have to make a serious attempt next year to avoid that.

It snowed again last night. Don't know if I've ever seen such an ongoing snowy time before. Not where we live. Kind of crimps your style. There are people who haven't dug out from the last few snowfalls yet. Can't get out of their lane - or find it difficult and dangerous to do so.

This limits my visiting times with Mom. It's hard to find parking at the home with the piles of snow on the sides of the street. Hard to find a spot in the parking lot. But I'll try to get there today and take my chances. She called a couple of days ago telling me she's feeling lonely.

The cruise will be nice. Warm weather. Worries all left behind. Only a few days to wait now.

Christmas and expectations

A Happy New Year to everyone! I hope you've all survived the holiday season. I, for one, am looking forward to a more normal pace of life.

At Living Room on Friday we're going to talk about how Christmas was for all of us. Why is it that it's such a difficult season?

I've been thinking a bit about that and realize it's the expectations we put on ourselves that makes it so hard. Put that on top of what is already a busy and complex life, and you have a lot of stress - stress that causes mood disturbances.

I wonder if that's why I haven't been able to work throughout most of my adult life? Going to work and measuring up to what is expected from me - and me always wanting to give it my all - has always given me so much stress that I've had to quit the part-time jobs I did try. In each case I found I had no energy left to do my own thing - to be creative, to cook for my family, and to do all the other things that I felt I needed to do to have a complete life. Each time I tried a part-time job I would end up in tears two or three months after starting. I had no freedom to lead my life in the way I wanted to and needed to. No time for the photography that was so important to me, no energy to cook proper meals. I was not able to live up to the expectations of my employer and me. Working caused me too much stress.

I like what Merely Me said in her blog and feel the same way: "Can I tell you that I am simply giddy that it is over? It's twue...it's twue! Christmas is over...YAY! I can breathe easier."

Except for having to prepare for the cruise my husband and I are taking, I am free to do what I want. Before Christmas I always feel like everything I do has to contribute to Christmas preparations. I don't feel free to do the things that are really important to me. Dare I say, Christmas puts me into a kind of prison - one I can't escape, no matter how I try. The result is a lot of stress and depression.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a "bah humbug" sort of person. On the contrary, I always loved Christmas. I enjoy the carols and the baking. I like to buy gifts. But I want everything to be perfect. And maybe that's the problem. My expectations are too high and that creates a lot of stress.

I have high expectations of myself for the mental health work I do as well, but that's work of my own choosing. I go at my own pace, as the mood strikes me - and the mood strikes me often. It's truly what God made me to do. I'm free to make of it what I wish.

I'm glad to be standing on the brink of a new year. Time to start afresh. I've decided to start photographing children again and that's exciting. That work has always given me such joy. My life will be busy, but more balanced. My husband is happy because he was always sorry that I gave up this creative pursuit. I'll go to camera club with him again. We will share a common interest again.

Doing rather than thinking

I woke up feeling crummy again this morning. And I realize how I need to shorten my quiet time in the morning and get moving earlier - like the writing here I'm doing now. Too much time sitting is not a good thing.

I have a lot of little things on my to-do list for today. Just little - all manageable - things. And I look forward to ticking them off. Such a good feeling that is! Just thinking about it makes me feel better.

One bigger thing I need to work on is my devotional for Friday's Living Room meeting. We will talk about how Christmas was, why it was that way, and looking to the future - the new year. Leaving the old behind.

Yesterday went well. My Curves workout did me such a lot of good. And I enjoyed my visit with Mom. I'm so happy with how she's doing. She's not lonely at the home anymore. Has made some good friends. Is happy. She's responding so well to the care she's receiving now.

Life is good. God is good.

Please, God, help me remember that.

Fund raising for mental health

The Globe and Mail newspaper had a wonderful article about how Michael Kirby, the first chair of the Mental Health Commission of Canada, would like to start an organization for mental health similar to the Canadian Cancer Society. Volunteers would raise moneys for research in the same way they do for cancer. There could be mental health walks. This would not only raise money, it would raise awareness.

I'm so happy about this. It's exciting. I've felt something like this has been needed for a long time. We are fortunate to have someone of Michael Kirby's calibre take an interest in mental health issues.

There was a time - not so long ago - that there was a stigma surrounding cancer as well. People avoided talking about it. Those who had cancer tended to keep it a secret, suffering in silence. I'm sure we will be able to reduce the stigma attached to mental illnesses as well. We might not be able to remove it, but there is huge room for better attitudes to those of us who suffer from it.

My church is an example of a place that is learning to accept those with mental illness. As I've been going through my recent trials, I've had much support. People don't avoid me. They ask how I'm doing. I get hugs. If only this could happen in all churches!

I felt crummy waking up this morning. But I took my shower early and I have a list of things to do today - all little things. I know that working on those and ticking them off as I accomplish them I will start feeling better. One of the first things I'll do is go to Curves for a much needed workout.

Hope you're all well and looking forward to the day.

Antidepressant skills

Two local psychologists, Dan Bilsker and Randy Paterson, have put together an Antidepressant Skills Handbook which is available to download online free of charge. It is available here. The book gives strategies for people with depression to employ, some of it based on the cognitive therapy approach. Individuals can work their way through it with the coaching of a friend or family member. It is also suitable for use by support groups.

I downloaded the 67-page workbook a couple of months ago, intending to make copies to use with a small group of Living Room members. Yesterday I decided it would be a good time for me to try the workbook myself. What better way to familiarize myself with it? I'm sure I'll be able to benefit from it right now.

One section that will be very good for me right now is the one on depressive thinking. That's probably my worst problem right now. The book helps you learn to identify and recognize depressive thoughts, seeing how they trigger your low mood. You learn to challenge these depressive thoughts and replace them with fair and realistic ones. You learn to practice more balanced, realistic thinking.

I don't usually have a lot of problems with negative thinking. I tend to be a very positive person. Yet when I'm into a period of depression as I have been lately, I tend to latch onto negative thoughts about myself. That's when my mood really dips.

I had a good day today. No negative thoughts at all. Finally tackled a huge mess in my bedroom. I followed a friend's advice and put on some good music as I worked. There's still lots to do, but it's already looking much better. It will be so good to come home from the cruise to a tidy house. What I did today is truly a huge accomplishment. I feel encouraged.

Thankful

Regrets and shame have brought me down lately. I'm good one day, and then something triggers me to turn to those negative emotions and thoughts and I go deeply dark.

But, if I were able to get things into better perspective, the way I should and the way it's healthy, I would see that those negative things are really very small when you place them next to all the good things in my life. I have so much to be thankful for. And the Bible does remind us to think of the good and not to be anxious. And God knows what is good for us and we need to listen.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

In between the dark times, I have felt this peace, only to return to the dark again days later. A very troubling thing. Can I hang onto this peace, can I hang onto the good, those things for which I am thankful? With God's help and with supportive friends beside me, I know I can. But I have to make the decision to strive for this and cling to feelings of thankfulness.

It's not hard to think of things I'm thankful for. I'm really a very fortunate person (except for this darn bipolar disorder). I thank God for:

• a husband who loves me and has endless patience with me
• friends who love me and are supportive. I love them so very much.
• plenty to eat, a warm comfortable home, all the clothes I need.
• a cruise planned for January 7th. I know, you're all saying "How can she possibly not be jubilant about that?"
• a talent for photographing children, work which gives me great joy, work which I will soon resume after a long hiatus.
  
• the work God has given me to do. It's wonderful to have a purpose so worthwhile - a purpose I feel God designed me for. Thank you, God, for leading me to that.
• a healthy body
• an enjoyment of books and learning.
• Sudoku puzzles that keep my mind occupied and off the negative.
• playing Ticket to Ride with my husband. Thank you, God, for the challenge. I seldom win anymore, but it's so much fun trying.
• a smart husband who enjoys the work he does. Thank you, God, that he's able to do it at home, close to me.
• a pastor who is down to earth and wants to understand mental disorders. Thank you, God, for how he supports me and my work.
• a God who loves me, no matter what - even when I get more negative than he wants me to.
  

Pressing on

It has been a very long time since I wrote here. Not much has changed since my last post. Guess that's why I haven't written. When I write I like to have words that will encourage and inspire and I've been having a hard time finding those words lately. Safer to just not say anything, eh?

I have good times when I function normally, alternating with times when I'm deep, clinging to negative thoughts. At times I lose hope. After all, this has been going on for three months now.

A series of stressful situations started this, Christmas - as usual - being one of them. But you would think it would let up after all the sources of stress have been resolved. It hasn't happened so far, but I am praying that it will happen soon. Thing is, I have to live my life and think positively, try not to dwell on the negative.

In past years I've always tried to learn from my moods - things that I could pass on to others. By encouraging others, I found I was encouraging myself. I remember sitting on my bed in the psych ward years ago working on Riding the Roller Coaster. I found satisfaction drawing from what I was going through, finding the good in the bad, and sharing it with the many others who I knew would be able to relate. Inspirational writing helped me cope with my own difficulties. That's one reason I've done as well as I have.

Today I don't have a book to work on, but I have this blog. I will try to write more often. I will try to use my writing to find the good in the bad and to share that good with you.

When I talk to my friend, expressing my feeling of shame over the way I've felt and behaved lately, she keeps telling me I need to move on. And I guess she's right. I certainly can't stay stuck here. There are things I've built my life on that require me to be strong. And I want to do those things. I want to help others who struggle with mood disorders. I want to help new Living Room groups form. I want to find the joy again - the holy joy I always feel after my Living Room meetings. I don't want to be a victim; I want to give.

I need to make Philippians 3:12b mine over the next while: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." And in verse 13: "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."

I need to think of tomorrow. What can I do tomorrow to bring forward the purpose God gave me to live for - to help erase stigma - to help people with mood disorders?

What good can I find in what I am going through to share with you, my blogging pals? I want you to be blessed by what I have to say and it is my prayer that I will - with the help of God - do so.

I will write more - maybe even today - as I work towards this. I will find the good in the bad. I know God will help me do so. He always has and He will again.

Living Room Christmas party day

In spite of the snow that kept a lot of people from attending our party, we had sixteen people. It was a wonderful, intimate time. Good food and good visiting. We finished all of Janice's turkey and almost all the stuffing. It was so good. One of our new members told her story about how her relationship with God started and how good He has been to her, in spite of her depression and MS. We sang all the six Christmas carols I had photocopied - really got into it, in spite of not having a piano to accompany us. Such a great time!

My motivation is pretty good right now, though I'm still struggling with depression symptoms. Negative thinking was a serious problem last night and then I woke up with it as well. That led to some truly depressed feelings. But through an email to my friend, I managed to talk - to reason - my way out of it.

I guess everyone has things they could be sad and negative about. Thing is, you don't need to dwell on it. I've learned that doing instead of thinking builds positive feelings. And thinking of how you can build into other people's lives takes the focus away from yourself. You then have a purpose that you can live for. And that's where true joy comes from. At least that's the way it is for me most of the time. In the email to my friend I sorted through these things, reminding myself of what I've know for so long. But how easily you can forget, eh?

Today's Christmas party was a good place for me to get out of my negative thinking. I love my friends there and it was just very good to be together. To do instead of think.

One day at a time

I had such a wonderful day yesterday. I started the day off baking my first batch of cookies. That energized me. Smelling the Christmassy spices emanating from my oven motivated me to do other things. My husband helped me wash all the dishes that had been collecting. It felt so good to feel well enough to do that. I carried on later in the day tidying the messy dining area, something I had previously felt powerless to tackle.

I felt so happy, so freed from the prison-like state I have been in for so long. Got lots of things done. Felt like Christmas could now really begin for me.

In the afternoon I called my good friend who has been such wonderful support for me. I was all excited and happy about how my mood had turned around. But I was disappointed that she did not share in my happiness in the way I had hoped. She warned me to take one day at a time, realizing that these breaks from the depression have happened before, only to have the depression return again.

These last couple of months have been like that. Periods of non-motivation, even getting to the point at times of not wanting to go on. Then I escape and am able to function normally again, only to dip down again a few days later. A real roller coaster ride this has been.

I've learned though, that I need to have a manageable focus in place. One important thing to work towards at a time, not worrying about the rest. This week it's the Living Room Christmas party. One of our members offered to cook us a turkey. The rest of the dinner will be supplied by the others. I think it will be a good time.

I've also remembered to make a list of things to do for each day, setting manageable goals. This is something I've always advocated yet have somehow forgotten to do lately. Yesterday I managed to achieve all my goals. Truly a wonderful feeling to have done that.

I awoke this morning not feeling quite as wonderful as I did yesterday. But I have set my goals for today and will work on those, doing instead of thinking. (It's the ruminating - the thinking without doing - that gets me into a lot of trouble.)

And I will remember to live, knowing that God is my stronghold. With Him everything is possible, including the ability to prepare well for Christmas - to be happy - to smile - to love.

A roller coaster ride

It has been such a very long time since I wrote here. I feel bad about it, because this blog has always been important to me.

I've been on a roller coaster for about two months now - times when I've been okay and other times when I've felt very down, not knowing how I can continue, wishing I could get off the ride.

I've heard some people with bipolar say how they think they are well and will always be well. They've learned to handle life and their illness in such a way that it will never pose a problem for them again.

The truth is that once you have the disorder, you can never be sure of your wellness. The depression will always return. Meds need to be changed and the downturn will have to run its course. It can be very discouraging. You wonder if you can ever be counted on again.

I've been fortunate. I've had a lot of support - good friends and an understanding husband.

My pastor Don talked on Sunday about Bill Hybels' book, Holy Discontent. How we all have something in the world that we're not happy about. When this becomes a passion and we know that we want to do something about it we will know it's God's calling for us. I have that holy discontent. I want very much to make a difference in the lives of people with mental health problems. I feel called to help and erase the stigma that exists. I would like to help society - and especially the church - accept people like us better. I want to educate Christians so that they will treat people like us with compassion - so that they will know how to support us.

Yes, I have a holy discontent. Unfortunately my work has had to be put on hold while I try to just cope with my day to day home life...and with Christmas. How I long to be well enough - strong enough - to pick it up again. I'm working hard to get to that point.

As a result of the depression, it has been hard to motivate myself to do even the basics. But I do have good days when I can do some catching up. Yesterday was good. I was encouraged. In the evening, after a full day, I sat down and made a list of all the things I will need to do before Christmas.

Christmas will be toned down a lot at our house this year. My dear husband has even told me we don't have to have Christmas at our house this year. We don't have to buy a lot of gifts, we don't have to send out cards, I don't have to bake. That was a very good thing to tell me. It relieved the pressure I felt. As a result I'm now doing what I want to do, not what I have to do. And I want to celebrate as well as I can. I want to do some baking. I want to clean house and decorate it. I want to have a tree. I want this to be a holy time for us.

My friend Helen has helped me by pointing me to the Psalms to give me support and encouragement. And I read how "The Lord is the stronghold of my life." (Ps 27:1) I cling to words like those and find peace reading them. God will hold me up and give me the strength to do the things I need to do. And I know He loves me.

A couple of days ago I played with a baby. Loving that baby broke out good feelings in me. And I could see how I need to live my life out of love - love for my husband, my friends and family, and for God. I need to try and stay engaged with them. Feel their love. Return their love.

And I will live one day at a time, doing what is most important. Maybe this is the day I will turn around.