Sanctuary mental health ministries

I had a meeting today with Dr. Sharon Smith and Caroline Penhale who started Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries. They are giving workshops, giving church congregations the tools they need to deal with those amongst them who live with mental illness. Living Room is partnering with this new organization.

An exciting thing this partnership is. These two professionals are able to broach the problem of stigma in a way I'm not able. However, I'm able to fight stigma in a different way that they're not able to do. We come at the problem from two different perspectives and balance each other out. It's a great arrangement. We're gradually learning how we can best work together.

On September 17th Sharon and Caroline will come and speak at a workshop we're having to introduce churches to the Living Room concept. We hope this will lead to new groups for the Vancouver area.

Just for fun - something not having anything to do with mental health - I include another picture from my trip to Greece. I find it kind of mysterious: a wall that's not attached to anything and stairs, seemingly not leading anywhere. I think it should mean something, but I don't know what. What does the picture say to you?

Photographic interlude

Last night I had such a wonderful time looking at my pictures from Greece and printing a few of them. I'll include my favourite one here. I wasn't able to print it very big, because it's only a small part of the original image.

Hope you enjoy.

Being creative is such a pleasure and such a good coping strategy for depression! Trouble is, the housework starts piling up. I need to do some work for an hour, and then reward myself with an hour of creative work.

Good plan?

Self-consumed

At Living Room last Friday, someone brought up how self-consumed she always felt - both when she was depressed and when she was high. And it's so true. We do tend to be that way, don't we, though we don't want to be? It just seems to be part of bipolar disorder. One of the symptoms. All we can think of is our pain. Or, in the case of mania, our grandiose plans. So drawn within we become! Can we learn to control this tendency?

My husband and friends often tell me that they think I'm too consumed with Living Room work. Sometimes that's all I know to talk about. A case of hypomania perhaps? Other times I'm withdrawn, only able to think of how I have failed, of how I'm unworthy. Wrapped up in my emotional pain. All I want to do is sit and putter at little things, endlessly doing sudoku puzzles. Can't reach outside myself to even clean up a messy kitchen. So hard to reach outside myself!

Is this tendency something we can avoid and then not become depressed? From my experience this seems hard to believe. I'm always reaching outside myself, trying to think of others. But is it enough? Maybe I'm spending too much quiet time - too much thinking time - too much analyzing time, as my friend often tells me.

Rudyard Kipling, in his poem "IF" said, "Think, but don't make thoughts your aim." How I've had to remind myself of that over the years! And - being the writer and philosophying person I am - I do spend a lot of time thinking. But that's not all bad, is it? Yet I need to balance the thinking time with doing time.

Today - and once in a while in previous days - I've felt on the verge of depression. Can I ward it off by reaching outside myself? Is it possible?

Mental illness and Christians

I recently received an email from someone who had some questions for me - questions that are not easy to answer. However, I would like to try, and I will do it here on my blog, hoping that others might want to join in the discussion.

This person wrote the following:

"...lately I've turned to Christ in a more serious way (in the past I was so disintegrated that I simply couldn't grasp what faith in Christ meant on a heart level). I know I'm saved now, especially because the Holy Spirit has turned my thinking upside down to a more Christlike view. My soul is literally changing, reflecting the fruits of the Spirit. The problem is, the physical/emotional systems remain unabated. I'm somewhat catatonic, with most of my life spent in front of the TV in a fetal position when things get really bad. Suffice it to say I'm not literally experiencing the peace, love and joy promised by the Scriptures.

Question: How do you handle your pain and issues when things really get bad? How has it affected your Christian walk? And if I remember correctly from the excerpt from your book, you suffer from off again - on again bouts of bipolar disorder. Are there times when you simply shut down? Do things get so bad that you feel that you can't handle it anymore? I've been doing lots of online searches to find people's viewpoints on these issues, but so far they have been elusive."

John (not his real name) talks about how "the Holy Spirit has turned [his] thinking upside down to a more Christlike view. [His] soul is literally changing..."

This is such a good thing, John. You are going through a transformation - the kind of transformation that happens when you start to follow Christ in a real way. But transformations happen slowly and there will be setbacks when you suffer symptoms of your illness. But what I've found is that every time I go through a hard time, even to the point of considering ending my life, I come out - at the end - being a stronger person - especially when, as I go through the bad stuff - I try to hang on to God's hand. I keep trying to trust, though it can be hard. (sorry for this long sentence)And, each time I recover, I've changed a bit - I've become a bit more transformed.

Jesus suffered in a great way too. Consider what He went through at Gethsemane. God fully understands what we go through and we can gather comfort from that knowledge. We're not alone in our suffering. He will help us carry it. Try to hang onto that promise.

Over the past few years, I have prayed much for an other-centeredness. A not-thinking-so-much of myself alone. These self-consumed thoughts and feelings are natural to have when you're suffering and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself having that tendency. However, if you can, it's great if you can try to think of others - of their needs - of how you can be of help to them.

I fail at this when I'm having a really hard time. And yet, during my last big depression, I read in a book about how we don't live for ourselves alone. And how that comforted me! It's not all about me! And for a short while I was encouraged. Likewise, when I was suicidal, I asked my pastor to please remind me of why I should live. He responded, "The reason you live is so that you can give others a reason to live." That encouraged me greatly and I tried to hang onto that thought.

2 Corinthians 1:4 has come to mean a lot to me.

"Praise be to God...the Father of compassion...who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

As you become more and more transformed, John, you will find an ability to be more and more compassionate to others who suffer as you do - more and more Christlike. You will have the ability to help others bear their suffering, because you'll understand them better than anyone else could. You'll be greatly blessed as you share of yourself with them. You will experience the peace, love, and joy promised in the Bible.

But the road will be rocky. Transformation does not mean you'll never suffer again. You will have many setbacks where you will have to hang on for dear life to your faith in a loving God. But each setback should eventually lead to making you a bit stronger.

Surround yourself with people who will be able to support you as you go though those rough times. I pray that you will be able to find friends in your life who will be God's hands for you, when God Himself seems far away.

Leaving for awhile

Just want to let you know that my husband and I will be off on a holiday for the next three weeks, so I won't be online.

My son and his wife and I were talking last night about what blogging should be. And, I'm sorry I haven't done very well at it lately. Not only haven't I posted; I haven't been visiting other people's blogs. I'm so very sorry! Don't know what's happened to me. Just haven't been able to focus on it. Too much off-line stuff in my life, I guess.

And yet, I know how important it is to keep those on-line ties. They were so important to me at one time. I made so many friends. And I know the blogging ties would still be important to me if I would just keep them up.

Ughh!! Sometimes I wish I had several lives that I could live: child photographer, Living Room organizer, peer counselor, writer, good wife, and fantastic blogger.

Maybe I should quit the blogging altogether. Maybe Facebook would work better for me at this stage of my life.

...thinking...

Representing God

A few days ago someone told me about a friend with a mental illness who had lost her faith in God because she had been rejected at church.

How that upset and angered me! How sad that is!

Why would Christians be so unloving? Don't they remember that it's Christ they're supposed to be following? Jesus, God on Earth, the One who showed us what love truly is.

God loves us through people. If we are Christians we are called to be God's representatives. Do we represent Him well?

In his book Soul Cravings, Erwin McManus talks about the level of trust we need to be able to have with others who are part of an authentic community - which the church should be. He said, "Honesty is the only context in which intimacy can develop." We need to be able to be honest with God's people, all of us recognizing that each of us is a flawed human being. "It makes it easier for me to remember that God will never reject me because I'm not good enough and that any community that has His heart will embrace me as I am. Jesus invites us into a community where imperfect people can find acceptance, love, forgiveness, and a new beginning."

If every church community could only be like this! Welcoming honest sharing. Welcoming people, though they might be different. Reaching out to people who need to be reminded that God loves them.

Good Friday, five years ago

I sent the following to Living Room facilitators and would-be facilitators, as well as Living Room supporters. Thought it would be good to share here as well. Never know how many would-be facilitators might be out there.

Happy Easter to you all!

My thoughts have been turning back lately to the Good Friday exactly five years ago when Pastor Don invited me to read a bit from my not-yet-published A Firm Place to Stand. With the reading I shared some of the emotional battles I had faced and how I could see that Jesus fully understood those battles. In a different way, He had faced similar battles. He fully understood my pain. What comfort that gave me! It's so important to be understood, isn't it? And then to be able to share that pain with God, the greatest Comforter of all!

After that reading, three people came up to me to tell me their story of pain. They could relate to me too!! And they found comfort in knowing that I was a "safe" person to talk to. Neat what happens when you share your personal emotional battles. It gives others permission to share their own battles as well.

And that's the beauty of our Living Room groups. That's what we do at Living Room.

I was amazed how good it felt to have those three people be so honest with me. What a privilege it is to have someone share in that way with you! As I wrote in my book, I felt a lot like Patch Adams did in the movie when he found out he could connect so well with the people in the mental hospital where he himself was a patient. "I connected to another human being!" Like Patch Adams, I found out that I too reallly wanted to listen to people and learn about them. I wanted to help them with their troubles. And I wanted to do more of that. I wanted people with mental disorders to have the freedom to talk about their problems in a Christian setting - safely. This is how the idea for Living Room germinated.

I gave a speech yesterday for the Reformed Church's Eirana Support Service's organization. Afterwards, a man who told me he struggled with depression came to talk to me. He told me how he would like to be part of a Living Room group but did not feel he could facilitate. Yet he also told me how he was sitting on a park bench awhile back when a person - out of the blue - told him her life story and her struggles. He told me how good it made him feel. Without knowing it, he was doing Living Room work. In my estimation, he's a person who could facilitate.

Yet I know how scary it can feel. I was scared as well before I started my group the first time. Could I do the work?

But I came to think of it as what it really is. It's not my work at all. It's God's work. All I have to do is to be His feet and hands. All I have to do is follow Him. All I have to be is His footsoldier. And then the work comes naturally.

At this Easter time when we are thankful to God for giving us Jesus - this anniversary of the germination of Living Room - I wish that attitude for all of you. Can you look on the work you want to do with Living Room as God's work? It isn't yours at all. All the power comes from Him who gives us strength. We only need to follow Him.

And then, how wonderful it is to serve Him!

All the best to you. And Happy Easter! May the sun shine on you and within.

marja

Back to photographing

I had the delightful opportunity to photograph a friend's 3 1/2 year old grandson. Such a good, but busy time it was. He's an active little guy, so not easy capture at times. The neat thing about him was that he was almost always smiling. I managed to get a good series of him while his grandmother was reading to him, his expression constantly changing as he delighted in Winnie the Pooh.

As often happens, I did not feel I was doing particularly well capturing images, and yet - when I came to editing the ones I had - I still had a good bunch of successes, with good variety.

Good to be distracted a bit from my Living Room work. The photography helped bring the balance I need in my life. At times I tend to get obsessed with Living Room, but - thank God - I'm presently able to do a wide variety of things.

This afternoon I was engaged in a Living Room activity. I visited the group in Abbotsford and talked about my life and how the Living Room concept came into being. It was a most enjoyable time I had. I was able to express myself the way I wished and I think some of the people may have been inspired by what I had to say. I pray that I left them with a message of hope...I think I did.

My next project will be to finish up my cookbook. Should tell you, though, the cookbook has evolved into a book called "Happiness is...: Celebrating my hobbies. Sharing from Marja's kitchen and camera." ...or something like that. I'm still working on a good title. All the recipes are entered and now the fun job of inserting photographs will begin.

But...I must keep my life balance and can't sit at the computer all the time. The sun is shining in Vancouver and I must get into the outdoors as well. I need to get out and walk...and my muskoka chair is waiting.

Reaching out

I had a call from someone I didn't know last night. She had huge anxieties and depression and was reaching out. Looking for someone who could give her an answer to her problems. Looking for someone who could alleviate the pain. And yet, all I could do was to listen with compassion. I could have prayed with her as well, and am sorry I didn't. Somehow I didn't feel I understood her well enough at the time to be able to pray. I should have tried though. But I was tired and all I could do was listen.

She reminded me of myself when I'm deeply depressed. Then I also reach out, looking for someone who might be able to help me. Looking for someone who can take away the pain. And yet, there is so little we can do for each other in cases like that, isn't there? Except to show each other we care and to remind each other of God's love. And assure each other that this pain won't last forever. That doesn't help much though. When you're deeply depressed it feels like it will never go away. Hard to believe otherwise. You cannot see the light. You cannot feel hope.

How we long for someone to just fix us when things are so bad! It's so hard to trust in the pills, in the doctor...and even in God. So hard to believe in a better future! And yet it is trusting - it is believing - that does help you recover. It takes time and patience.

This morning I'm praying for this lady out in the Valley. I'm praying she will recover soon. I'm praying she will believe that she will recover. That God is there for her, looking after her. Just wish I'd done that last night, while she was on the phone with me.

God's gift of creativity

On Friday we'll be discussing creativity at Living Room. This is one of my favourite subjects. Such a juicily interesting thing to discuss!

I'm a very creative person and it's mysterious to me how ideas and inspiration come to me. I'm often in awe of what God has helped me produce. Not that I'm such a wonderful artist. I feel very little has to do with my own efforts. Yes, I put forth the time and energy, but I know the actual creativity - the talent and ability - come to me through the Holy Spirit.

Look at the cookbook idea that I've told you about in an earlier post. That was such a good idea, I know a good thought like that could not come from me alone. The inspiration for it was planted within me by God. Spoken into me by the Holy Spirit. I simply cannot take the credit for as good an idea that. That project has benefited me so much! I'm enjoying cooking again. I'm sharing recipes with friends. I'll be using photography in it, another activity that's important for me to keep up. And, it has been good for my marriage. The way to my husband's heart is very much through his stomach :))

And how the Holy Spirit is alive within me as I work to capture candid photographs of children! The process is exciting, captivating and satisfying.

God gives every one of us creative gifts. He has made us in His image, and - being the greatest Creator - creativity is part of what He passes on to us. Creative gifts include more than just arts such as painting, music and photography. Planning a party or other event, decorating a home, cooking dinner, are all creative pursuits.

How we need to be thankful for the creative gifts God gives us! We need to use them and develop them. Life truly becomes meaningful when we use our gifts to serve God and others. But, don't forget to simply enjoy what God has given you too. Praise God for your gifts and use them to enjoy all aspect of life.

What creative gifts did God give you? Are you using them?

A goal for living room

Hi everyone,

I feel so bad that I don't write here more, especially when I'm reading neat stuff and thinking neat things I would love to share, if I could just take some time.

Pastor Don also gave an inspiring sermon on boldness I wouldn't mind sharing more about. But I'll let you hear it yourself. The sermon can be heard on the Brentwood Park Alliance Church website, here. The questions Don opened with were:

What is it that you would care enough about to take a stand regardless of the risk or the cost to you personally?

What would be your motivation to take such a stand?

There is one thing I absolutely do need to share with you at this point though. The Global Living Room initiative which is dedicated to giving access to as many people as possible to Living Room groups, now has its own fund set up. We can now accept donations and will have a "donate" button on our website soon. This will mean more freedom to really get to work spreading the word about this form of faith-based Christian support for people with mood disorders.

Two days ago we set a goal - an ambitious goal - but I believe one that is within reach. We want to see Living Room in all communities in the Greater Vancouver area and the Fraser Valley by the Fall of 2013. At the same time we will continue reaching out to the world beyond this corner of Canada, encouraging such Christian support in communities elsewhere.

A group started recently in Miami. And another group is close to starting in Atlanta. A young adult group will have its first meeting tomorrow at Simon Fraser University. Please pray for the facilitators of all these groups. Please pray for the many people who could benefit from this faith-based support.

Tonight I'm going to camera club and will enter the picture above in our print competition: Bougainvillea from a Greek isle.

Finding meaning...revisited

“Mental illness is not all bad.” That’s how I began an article about finding meaning in a life with bipolar disorder several years ago. How I regret having written those words today! I know the message I was trying to convey with the piece, but using those words tend to make it look like I was making light of disorders that I know from experience are serious and cause unbearable pain.

Mental illnesses ARE bad, as some of the comments on this article pointed out. But I also know that we need to adopt a positive and hopeful view.

At the time I wrote the piece I was thinking of what the apostle Paul said in Romans 8:28: “…we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I truly believe that and have experienced it in my life.

Yet we need to recognize the honest truth. Mental illness can be devastating. As many as 20% of people with manic depression (as bipolar used to be called) take their own lives. It causes break-downs of relationships. Many lose the ability to support themselves. And then there’s trying to deal with people’s misunderstanding…the stigma…!

I have found meaning in life. Abundant meaning. But that doesn’t take away the suffering mental illness causes me and so many others.

Last year was very unstable for me, with much rapid cycling – periods when my moods shifted rapidly from low to high. Many times these shifts would happen within hours; sometimes within days. I never knew how I was going to be. There were sleepless nights and almost total loss of appetite. Eventually the rapid cycling gave way to solid depression and anxiety. Often I felt riddled with feelings of shame and guilt. I didn’t like the needy person I had become. I had to cancel out of commitments, feeling terrible to have let people down. I became suicidal at times, at one point asking my pastor to please remind me why I should live. Such is the loss of reality and perspective depression can bring on.

But I continued spending time with God daily and in between the bad times found much joy and comfort as well. At sunrise one morning I made one of the most meaningful photographs I’ve ever done. I considered it a gift from God, revealing to me His awesome nature. Yet I continued to be unstable. The effects of bipolar disorder are not easy to shake.

At times my husband didn’t trust leaving me on my own, giving up two or three fishing trips he needed for his own enjoyment and emotional well-being. His usual patient and laid back attitude gave way to emotional struggles of his own. Our relationship suffered. For the first time in our 42 years of marriage we needed counselling. Thank God, the counsellor was a good one who helped us learn how to weather the storm together.

In early December I had an idea to gather all our favourite recipes from our life together. These will become a little book to share with friends and family. This project helped me focus on cooking and made what had become a difficult chore into a hobby again – a source of enjoyment. This healthy activity did much to stabilize me. I can now see how such inspiration did not come from me alone. It was very much a gift from God.

I don’t think I would have appreciated such a gift without having gone through some tough times. I don’t think I would have as great reason to be thankful. I, along with the psalmist David, can sing “…and yet I will praise him!”

In New Light on Depression, (Zondervan, 2004) the book David B. Biebel, D.Min. wrote along with Harold G. Koenig, M.D., he said, “Having one's capacity for serenity and joy restored is little compensation for the agony of despair, much less the 'despair beyond despair.' The only true compensation for depression has to do with the sense of purpose and fulfillment that comes from redemptive involvement with others in distress, sharing the comfort we've experienced. This is the true route to joy." [emphasis mine]

How true that is! I’m now able to give support to others who live with mental illness through my faith-based Living Room support ministry for people with mood disorders. I can share with others what I’ve learned about God’s unfathomable love. I can offer heart-felt compassion because I understand the pain of depression. How good that makes me feel! That’s my compensation.

Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 1:4 hold true for me as I work with my ministry. I praise God “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received.”

This is how I found meaning…and joy.

Cringing with regret

In 2007 I had a piece published at canadianchristianity.com with the title "Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder." This also happens to be the subtitle of my book A Firm Place to Stand.

Since then 19 people have commented on that article, some of them quite upset with me, especially with my opening line, "Mental illness is not all bad." I have often wished I could rewrite that article, leaving out that line. Because, as people commented, it IS bad. It's like saying cancer isn't all bad. I guess what I was trying to say was that good can come out of trials.

But I agree with those who commented, bipolar disorder is a horrid disease. I believe I myself said in a recent post how I hate this disorder. Last year was a very bad year for me.

This morning I wrote a comment on my own article, saying how I would like to eat my words. I was so wrong to talk the way I did.

I've been invited to write a follow-up article and think I will do that soon. A good project to keep me occupied while I'm without a voice.

I would love your feedback on the article and any thoughts you might have on the topic.

I can't talk

Hi everyone. Over the past week I've had a doozy of a cold. And now, starting yesterday, I completely lost my voice. All I can do is whisper. What a strange feeling to try and say something to my husband and have almost nothing come out. When I want to tell him anything in the least involved, I email him. Weird, eh? I hope I get over this soon because this is really slowing me down.

While I've been sickly I've worked on making Spanish bookmarks for a mission team from our church to take with them. My goal is to make 500 with 15 or so different designs. A lot of work, but I know they're well appreciated, so it feels good to make them.

But what I really want to get going on is working to help more Living Room groups get going. I want to explain Living Room to church representatives, getting them enthused about the ministry. I have some ideas, but first I need a voice so that I can discuss them with my team. How frustrating when you really want to move ahead but things get in the way! Ah well! I need to have patience, don't I?

...And yet, I always feel a sense of urgency when there are things that I see need to be done. I've been reading Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus, previously published as Seizing Your Divine Moment. McManus writes about the importance of passion. On the back cover the book is described as

"a call to live a life of blazing urgency. We have but one life. We are given one opportunity to pursue our dreams and fulfill our divine purpose. Every moment counts, and we must engage them with fierceness and zeal. Put an end to passive observation, paralyzed by the need for perfect opportunity, and start seizing the raw, untapped potential of your life with God."

That sounds like the recipe for a life of adventure, doesn't it? And that's what Living Room has given me - a life of adventure. I thank God for the journey. I thank Him for the privilege.

The best anti-stigma tactic

On February 9th the Vancouver Sun published an article on the difficulties of removing the stigma of mental illness. Amongst other things, he wrote about the World Psychiatric Associations anti-stigma pilot program conducted in 1996. The program tried out various approaches but found that although people became better informed about the biological basis of mental disorders, their attitude did not change significantly.

Some of the things McKnight does report about the program's findings are very encouraging to me and make me realize that perhaps I'm on the right track with my personal efforts to reduce stigma amongst Christians.

McKnight writes:

"...the pilot program found that by far the most effective way to change attitudes was to engage people in an emotional experience, and the best way to do that was to establish contact between people with mental illness and other members of the public."

"...it's important for members of the public not simply to have contact with psychiatric patients, but to see and hear from successful members of the community who have battled mental illness. ...most members of the public only see mentally ill people when something negative happens, and this is something anti-stigma campaigns must counter.

"Beyond that, the research suggests that campaigns are most effective when they're relatively small, manageable and sustainable, and when they're targeted to a specific audience. Different groups of people differ in their attitudes, after all, hence the best programs are ones designed to address specific attitudes."

This points out to me how important it is for Christians who have - or have had - mental illness to be open about it and educate their church families. Those who are doing well in life would especially be doing a great service if they would tell about the struggles they've had with mental illness.

But, given the stigma that exists, this takes courage. There is always the danger of alienating your Christian friends, especially those who harbour a deeply ingrained stigma or belief about mental illness. It takes a person who is passionate about making the world a better place for those who suffer with mental disorders. It takes compassionate people who want to see these people benefit from a loving and accepting Christian attitude. It takes someone who cares enough to make it possible for suffering people to be encouraged - not discouraged - in their faith.

Are you one of these people? Are you a respected member of your church community who has in the past lived with mental illness? Do you want to take part in making the world a better place?

Tell your story to your church family. Once you've made the topic an ok one, you'd be surprised how many people will come out of the woodwork.

Collaborating with God

I've always wanted to live in God's presence - aware of Him, moment by moment. Yet it's a hard thing to do. The world is so with us, isn't it?

The devotional I've been reading every morning has some neat thoughts on it: Living in God's presence is like collaborating with Him. Our work becomes infused with His presence. "It is not longer laborious but delightful: more like play than work." Hmm, sounds like my cooking now-a-days. Last night I even enjoyed cleaning up my kitchen because I played some neat worship music while I did it. Yes, that was living in God's presence. The work became like play. And all of my kitchen work has become part of the cookbook project - the creative pathway God has planted in me.

Over the next few weeks I'll be collaborating with a psychotherapist, constructing a recovery narrative. This is part of a University of British Columbia study to discover the impact of personal narratives. We had one session already. And that - because it's collaborative - is turning out to be like play as well.

The writing process involves me telling my story to the therapist and her getting it down in note form and on tape. Then she transcribes it and sends the results to me in bare bone form. I then edit the results, writing in my own voice.

Now, I've done lots of writing on my own. It's hard work trying to formulate thoughts and getting them down. But the rewriting and editing I did yesterday on what I had done with the therapist was fun - more like play - not work at all. Collaborating with someone made it easy.

It's that way when we make God part of our day to day life, isn't it? It's that way when we follow His leading - the pathway He shows us. It becomes easy. In Matthew 11:30, Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

My devotional has Jesus saying, "Whatever you do, do it for Me - with Me, through Me, in Me. Even menial tasks [like dishes] glow with the Joy of My Presence when you do them for Me."

How true!

Hope in the Lord

My devotional guide's verse this morning was Hebrews 10:23.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

The guide asks me to think about a time when I felt God had let me down. And I think of the hard times I went through last year. I really never through that time felt let down by God. I felt let down by my disorder - by the meds that are supposed to be keeping me well. But no, I never blamed God or felt He should have prevented it all from happening.

Today my husband and I are just very grateful that I've stabilized and am able to live normally again. I can see that God planted a creative pathway within me to live a healthier life, a life not focused to such a huge degree on one thing - Living Room. Not that Living Room isn't important to me. It is. But now I'm spending more time cooking and looking after my husband, something that had been lacking for awhile.

My cookbook project may seem like a trivial thing, but the good it's doing me and my husband is huge. I look forward to cooking and enjoy looking for recipes and making my grocery lists. What was a chore has become a hobby again. It has helped lift me out of depression and given me something fun to give my energy to. I fully believe that God planted the idea for that cookbook within me. It's the creative pathway He showed me to a healthier balance. And - most of all - this makes my husband very happy. He feels like he's got his wife back.

God is faithful.

While I'm strong...

I last wrote two weeks ago, telling you that I was doing well. And lo and behold, I'm still doing well!! I hope this will be the trend for awhile. In any case, I'm trying to do all the right things to stay healthy: getting plenty of rest, eating well, exercizing, and staying active with purpose for every day. I'm also following a daily devotional guide that leads me through an overview of the Bible and gives me Bible verses to meditate on. I'm trying to lean on God and not live on my own strength.

Only thing I have to make sure of now is that I take a Sabbath day on a regular basis. And that's tough. I'm not sure what a Sabbath day looks like for me. It certainly doesn't mean just sitting around being holy. What can I do and what shouldn't I do on such a day? I believe that Mark Buchanan, in his book The Rest of God, mentioned that it's mostly doing things that you don't "have to do." (Not absolutely sure if he's the one who said that or whether I heard it somewhere else.)

I was pleased to be asked to give a speech somewhere. And, as usual, I had to do a lot of soul searching. Should I agree to do this? How will I know whether or not I'll be well enough when I do the presentation in April? I never know where I'm going to be mood-wise, so it's very tough to make commitments. Yet I so much want to do this kind of thing. There is so much I'd like to share. It's another way I can follow through on my desire to educate Christians about mental illness and to reduce stigma.

But I did accept the invitation, thinking that I could start writing the speech now. If it were all written out, I could always read it, even if I were depressed. It must seem kind of strange to you to be starting to prepare a speech it January when I don't have to give it till April, but that's the way I can ensure that I can be relied upon.

Today, while I'm strong, I'll picture myself standing in front of that group of people, telling my story, teaching, encouraging them to support people who, like me, have a mental illness.

It's wonderful to feel strong and in control. I thank God for seeing me through a very rough year. He's taught me a thing or two through the trials I experienced. And I pray that I will be a better Living Room facilitator as a result.

And today...while I'm strong...I will write. Yes!!!

My dream

This morning my devotional planner quotes Philippians 4:13: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." It talks about being a risk-taker for God's kingdom and asks the question: "What is your spiritual dream?"

That question started me thinking afresh of how my dream has been to significantly reduce the stigma toward mental illness in the church. How I would like to make things better for those who struggle with mental illness! How important it is for them to receive good support from their church families! To be encouraged in their faith, and not discouraged.

This is what I've been giving my life to over the past few years. This is the work I believe God has called me to. And what a huge work it is! And how privileged I feel to have been given a good start on it with Living Room!!

This past year has not been a good one for me health-wise. But I feel emotionally strong right now. How I pray that these better moods will continue so that I can continue the work I started! But as the verse above says, "I can do everything through him." I will trust God to the best of my ability. I will lean on Him for my strength. And I will always try to remember that it's God at work, not me. I'm only His footsoldier, carrying out what He leads me to do.

I so appreciate having a team behind me now. People to share with. People to help guide me. It has been so very important to me to know I'm being prayed for and still believed in - though so many times I stopped believing in my own ability to carry on. Today I feel strong. Please pray that this feeling of strength - this trust in God - will continue for me. God has taken me so far and I know He can carry me further still. Those are my feelings this morning.

God's passionate love for us

I shared the following with my Living Room group this morning, but want to copy it here, knowing it will benefit many of you as well.

I feel compelled to share some more with you - the journey I'm on - the things I'm reading that touch me. Because I'm thinking some of you might be touched as well and it would be wonderful if it would do something for you as well.

I'm reading Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus the second time around.

McManus talks about how awful it feels when we love someone but our love is not returned. "...if God's love is immeasurable and unending, as the Hebrews describe him, how deep and profound must be his sense of sorrow and rejection. If anyone knows the pain of a love unreturned, it must be God."

He goes on to say "This is the story of God: he pursues you with his love and pursues you with his love, and you have perhaps not said yes. And even if you reject his love, he pursues you ever still. It was not enough to send and angel or a prophet or any other, for in issues of love, you must go yourself. And so God has come.
"This is the story of Jesus, that God has walked among us and he pursues us with his love. He is very familiar with rejection but is undeterred. And he is here even now, still pursuing you with his love."

Mc Manus speaks to all of us - people like you and me who have such a deep longing for love:
"...God is going up and down the streets of the city, traveling the most obscure paths and untamed wilderness, walking on unnamed roads in the most desolate of places, searching for the one he loves - and that one is you and me and every human being who has ever walked this earth, has taken a breath, and has longed for love."

And how we need to love God, eh? This passionate God who loves us unconditionally, no matter who we are or what we might have done or not done. This Jesus who loved us so much that He gave His life for us. How it must hurt Him when we don't return His love!

My prayer for you this morning is that you'll feel God's love touching your hearts today.

Making a hobby out of a chore

Such a neat thing when something that was a chore becomes a hobby!

Through most of my marriage cooking was a hobby for me. I enjoyed trying out a wide variety of recipes, eager to see the results. My thinking was that if I had to cook every day I might as well make a hobby out of it. I might as well make it fun.

Now this truly spoilt my husband because, over the past few years it has become something I had to do - a chore. My time and energy went into other things. My husband felt I was failing him. He was so accustomed to having interesting meals - something different almost every day of the month.

Now that I've decided to gather all our favourite recipes from those years into a cookbook, I've become almost obsessed about cooking...well - pretty high on it, anyway. What fun it is to go through my boxes of cookbooks and uncover all those recipes for things I used to cook! I always made it a habit to put remarks with the recipes I tried, because if I didn't I'd never remember what was good, or excellent, or not worth making again. That's making it easy going back now.

The fun thing about cooking good meals is that you want to be able to share them with people. Now I'm starting to dream up dinner parties with various people.

Next week Wednesday my son is coming over for his birthday celebration. I'll be making his all-time favourite, Six O'Clock Twist. Rotini with a very cheesy sauce including bacon. He's been raving about it to his gourmet-cook wife. I remember him telling his Grade Two teacher about it over thirty years ago and bringing her the recipe. Hmmm...I wonder if he'll still like it as much as he did then, now that he's grown accustomed to his wife's great cooking. We'll see.

My splintery platform

Several weeks ago I turned over leadership of my Living Room group at Brentwood Park Alliance Church to my co-facilitator, Mark. I thought my emotional health was too unstable and wanted a strong facilitator for the group. My on-again off-again depression was proving to be too much. Thought I should have a break and return when I was stronger. (I attended the last meeting, but left everything to Mark to run.)

I've had a good rest, turning my energy to cooking and to spending more time with my husband. Now I'm wondering whether I'm ready to return to full leadership. I hesitate because I still have down times. I'm still not stable. But - I wonder - will I ever be completely stable? I expect not. Does that mean I should not lead a Living Room group? I don't think that's the case.

I think facilitators who deal with mood disorders are always in danger of falling into depression or rising to mania or hypomania. When these problems get bad it's so good to have a co-facilitator to take over for awhile. But I'm learning that I'll never be perfect and I should take back the leadership when I've started doing better - when I've had a chance to have a good break.

A friend gave me Dear Jesus, a devotional book written by Sarah Young. Those devotionals are proving to be the perfect thing for me to start my early morning quiet times with.

This morning's devotional helped me in my struggle to decide whether or not I should return to leadership. The author - and I along with her - asks Jesus:

Dear Jesus,
"I want to be available for the display of Your Power and Glory. But I feel more like a splintery, unfinished platform than a polished ready-to-use stage. I may not even be safe enough for Your performance, since some of my boards aren't nailed down properly."

and Jesus answers:

"Beloved, no matter how polished you might become, you could never be good enough for the display of My radiant holiness. However, I have chosen you to reflect My Glory, despite your imperfections. Moreover, your weakness is the ideal stage for the exhibition of My Power. Your part in this drama is to look away from yourself and gaze at Me in My awesome splendor. Forget about your unworthiness and delight yourself in My glorious Being. Watch while I perform great things for you."

Yes, I need to look away from myself and my imperfections and look at Jesus. I need to forget about the feelings of unworthiness that have been plaguing me and think about Jesus and what He can do...and all He has done. I need to say to myself, "Forget yourself, Marja. It's not about you at all."

I'm preparing my heart for our next meeting on January 14th. Looking forward to sharing Jesus with others who suffer from mood disorders. Looking forward to sharing how He can work in us and through us, in spite of our imperfections. As Jesus said,

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Blessed Christmas time

What a blessing my strategy to fight depression by planning a cookbook project! Although I've struggled with on and off lows, I've been motivated to cook and bake - to gather all our favourite recipes from the over forty years we've been married.

Taking up a new creative project has been my coping technique for dealing with depression almost since I first started having bipolar disorder. It helps me keep my head above water. It gives me a purpose for the day - something more colourful than the chores - more colourful than the things I have to do.

This is my third day in an up mood. So good to feel this way! Today I'm baking Stollen, an involved recipe, but I've reserved most of the day for this job.

My husband gave me a wonderful early Christmas present, Brian Doerksen's new CD, Level Ground. I believe his songs have in large part been responsible for bringing me up, for encouraging me. How the words speak to me! They are perfect for people who deal with mood disorders. On his website, Brian says,

"Worship is not always about bringing God our best and brightest. Sometimes it's about bringing God our pain and grief. Sometimes it's coming just the way we are! God wants to give us more than permission to feel - he wants to step into the middle of our feelings and be present with us; even in our suffering . . . even in the middle of our emotions. So let the tears flow . . . let the laments be sung . . . and don't even think about apologizing!"

I'm feeling so well that I'm tempted to invite my Living Room group for an open house. Someone has to eat all those cookies! But a friend and my husband are warning me against it. My road has been far too rocky lately. How can I be sure I will be well enough to handle the stress?

Darn!

Nevertheless, I will enjoy what I do have planned. My son and his wife and my mother are coming to have a turkey dinner with us. And we're planning on having a couple - old friends - over for New Year's Eve.

We will have a good Christmas. And I hope you will too.

My prayer

I read a prayer written by Max Lucado in his gift book called Shaped by God. How that impacted me! How I want to make that my prayer! How I would like to be drawn from the fire - well again, firm and solid so that I can be God's instrument! But you know what? I think it's starting to happen.

Lucado writes:

Ah, to be your instrument, O God,
like Paul to the Gentiles,
like Philip to the eunuch,
like Jesus to the world,
...to be your instrument.
To be like a scalpel in the gentle hands of a surgeon,
healing and mending.
To be like a plow in the weathered hands of a farmer,
sowing and tending.
To be like a scythe in the sweeping hands of a reaper,
gathering and using.
To be...an instrument for noble purposes.
To be honed and tuned,
in sync with your will,
sensitive to your touch.
This, my God, is my prayer.
Draw me from your fire,
form me on your anvil,
shape me with your hands,
and let me be your tool.

Jane's letter to God

Jane from startingitover sent me a comment to my last post that I think would be better published here as a separate post. I thank you very much, Jane, because I found great encouragement in it.

Jane wrote, "When I was in the hospital, I wrote a "letter to God" when I felt in the state you are in (I had posted it on my blog)... and it's a letter of pain, but one that pleads of hope. I'd like to share it with you."

"Letter to God"

I am going to believe that you haven't created depression and you haven't left me. I am going to believe that even though all I see is darkness all around me, that you are beside me and you are light. I am going to believe that you love me and care for me and I am not alone because you are with me, even though I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am going to believe that you keep your promises to us to have a life full of hope and purpose instead a life full of damnation and suffering. But just because I believe all these things, it doesn't mean that I feel them.

I feel the opposite of what you promise. It makes it difficult to want to be alive. I feel worthless and confused. I feel hopeless and insecure. I feel sad and scared. I want to run and hide. This darkness... perhaps it's a gift to hide the terrible emotions that are attached to my very soul. All the sleep... perhaps it's a gift to ignore the voices I hear when my mind is tired. All the withdrawal from others, perhaps it's a gift to others that I am not spreading my negativity and a gift to myself from creating a bad impression.

There is no conclusion. I am going to believe that you wrote a good end to this story and that in time, i will be exposed to the ending that you have in mind, not the ending that i have in mind when i'm in this destructive state. I guess for that, healing needs to take place. I know you heal. But i don't understand your timing or ideas behind healing. I guess one day I'll find out.

Love, Jane

Isolation

I can see why most people isolate when they're depressed. People don't know how to respond to you when you're untalkative and glum. And it's so difficult to pretend to be cheerful when you don't feel it inside. It's so hard to be sociable. And you feel so unlovable, though you need love so badly. So...what do you do?

You hide and suffer in silence.

I've tried reaching out, but it doesn't feel good. I feel I'm a bother and am putting a damper on everything for everybody.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death (Psalm 13:1-3)

David sure understood. What a comfort to read psalms like this and realize I'm not alone with such thoughts.
"But," he says "I trust in your unfailing love"

At least, you understand, God. You have compassion. "Thy compassion it fails not." I pray that I'll find sufficiency in the knowledge of your love.

Not for myself alone

Several weeks ago, when I was in huge depths, feeling very bad about myself - feeling ashamed for how needy I had become - I read something that encouraged me. In a Yancey book I was reading he said something like "We don't just live for ourselves alone." And this reminded me that I shouldn't think so much about myself - about how I feel and about how I'm behaving so pitifully. I can reach out to others with what I'm learning through all this. Perhaps not at this moment, but sometime in the near future.

This morning I read something I had underlined in my Bible:

This is how we know what love is: Jesus laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (1 John 3:16)

That's how I would like to be. How I hate what this disorder does to me when I think so much about myself! It's not how I want to live. I want to be other-centered. And I pray this morning once more that God will help me be that for others. To live for others, and not just for myself.

This morning I'm not feeling great. Plans I had made to make peppernuts with a little girl would, I think, be too ambitious a project for me. I don't know if I'd have that kind of energy. I don't know if I'd be a cheerful companion for her.

I will focus instead on helping my husband with a project of his - bottling some wine. I can be myself with him and he would appreciate my help and my company. If I'm going to be there for others, I need to start with my husband. If I only have a little bit of energy to put out, I need to spend that energy on him. To live for him, the partner God gave me. That man who has given me such great support for 41 years.

With thanksgiving

I continue to struggle some days, and other days feel like I've turned the corner, only to find I haven't. But this morning I feel good. And for that I'm thankful.

Yesterday, as I was dealing with anxiety issues and searching for God, so wanting to feel Him close, I stumbled on an old Living Room devotional about practising God's presence through giving thanks. I quoted Mark Buchanan from his book, The Rest of God:

"The best way I know to embody...Godward orientation is thankfulness. Thankfulness is a secret passageway into a room you can't find any other way. It allows us to discover the rest of God-those dimensions of God's world, God's presence, God's character that are hidden, always from the thankless."

I've been thanking God this morning for my ability - in spite of the way I've been feeling - to find satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment in cooking and baking. And my current interest in cooking is encouraging me to invite close friends over to share meals with us. Nothing fancy. Just a basic meal is what they'll be getting. But I WILL use recipes that are special for us. Favourite dishes that will go into my cookbook.

This morning I think of my dear husband who is so enjoying my cooking and showing his delight. How fortunate I am to have him. He's so patient with me as my moods keep shifting. So comforting when I'm feeling low. The way to his heart is definitely through his stomach. You should have heard him chatter eagerly as he ate his supper last night. A neat thing from a man who doesn't generally talk a lot. Such a good thing that I'm able to cook right now! Thank you, God, that in spite of my low moods I'm able to do this.

I've been reading Philippians 4:6-8. How true Paul's words are! How I need to take them to heart! "...in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present [my] requests to God." and think about all good things: "whatever is true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."

Praise God! This morning I'm thinking good things.

You hem me in

Such a comfort it was this morning to read Psalm 139. Isn't it neat how reading scripture will affect you in different ways each time you read? Depending on where you are emotionally?

I'm thankful this morning that I feel like tidying the house. I really feel like doing things. Not with a lot of energy or a lot of joy, but I want to have things in hand so I can continue on with the project that is giving me a sense of purpose right now - the cookbook project. That's what I'm hanging onto right now.

...and it's high time I prepared our house for Christmas. I need to do some decorating - get in the spirit.

I love Psalm 139 - where David says:

Where can I go from you Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Yeah, off and on lately, I've been making my bed in the depths. But this Psalm promises that He is there with me. I can rest in that assurance.

It's a Living Room day today. I've turned over the leadership to my co-facilitator until I'm feeling stronger. Right now I feel I need to be supported and don't feel as strong about giving support. So glad I have someone in place to take over that role.

I will focus on doing the things I feel I can best do. Putter around the house. Try to make Christmas happen as well as I can. One day at a time. Just very thankful that I feel up to things today. Very thankful to know that God is with me - through all my ups and downs.

My response to God

I had a good day yesterday, a blessedly good day. The day before had been an awful one - one of the worst. Yes, I seem to be going up and down again. Better than having every day a bad one though, eh?

Yesterday I went for a workout and baked two batches of Christmas cookies. I felt so encouraged. And I prayed hard that this upswing would continue. I begged God to help my good mood stick around.

But this morning - as I'm not feeling quite as positive - as I'm feeling a worn-ness, I wonder if begging God for wellness was really the right attitude to take. Shouldn't I just have faith that He WILL help me overcome? Rather than this begging, shouldn't I just trust?

In his book The Land Between, Jeff Manion wrote how "Our response to God while in the Land Between [the trials we go through] is what will determine whether our journey through this desert will result in deep, positive growth or spiritual decline." As the Israelites, wandering in the desert, needed to trust God to provide, I too need to trust God...daily.

God is with me, whether I'm up or down. I need to find encouragement in that knowledge. I need to realize that, even if I don't "feel" his love, it IS there. And I need to rest in that knowledge and wait patiently for Him to lift me out of the mire and mud of my low times.

Ah, but it's the nature of the disease to forget all about that, isn't it? It's the nature of the disease to feel like things are hopeless. What a tragedy!

And yet...today I will trust. I will have faith. God is good and He will provide what I need for today.

When a glimmer comes

As I'm riding on waves of depression, I'm reminded of how important it is to take advantage of the occasional glimmer of light that comes along - those times when I become interested in doing something that might offer a way out.

I felt good about myself a couple of days ago when I managed to bake my husband's favourite cake for his birthday. Then I came across an old recipe for a favourite meal I used to make years ago. I cooked it up for his birthday dinner and had my son and his wife come and share it with us. I felt good about myself. Quite a switch from the way I had been feeling.

Stumbling on that old recipe reminded me of a project I started years ago, putting together a collection of our favourite recipes. And, I thought, maybe changing gears will get me out of this funk. Maybe I should pick up that old project again and publish a little cookbook. My 65th birthday is coming up next year. What better way to celebrate than to gather together all my favourite recipes from a lifetime of cooking?

I remember many years ago how I often picked up a fresh new project whenever I felt depression coming on. Quite often that was exactly what I needed to get me interested in life again. And two Christmases ago, during a particularly bad time I put together a calendar using my flower photography. That helped make my mood a little less black. Yes, I believe creative projects can do much to help a person through those bad times.

So tonight, after spending half the evening in bed, feeling quite miserable, I got up and started looking through old recipes. I picked out some that needed to go into the book for sure. And I picked out others that I'll have to test again to make sure I want to include them.

What is particularly good about this project is that it will help me get interested in cooking again. And I know for sure that will make my husband very happy.

Yes, when that glimmer of interest in something comes, we need to take advantage of it. Grab hold of it and do it. Just do.

Unforced rhythms of grace

My pastor pointed out Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28-30 to me yesterday, verses that have given me great encouragement in the past. The NIV version reads:

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

How often I've felt burdened and stressed and needed that kind of rest! So encouraging that Jesus promised us a yoke that is easy to bear. These words help me so much to want to follow Jesus - to do as He did; to live as He did - as much as I can. These words are comforting and give me a feeling of peace. They promise that I can follow Jesus without stress. Not like I have been doing lately - the kind of stress that burned me out and caused such depression.

Eugene Peterson's version in the Message has an even greater impact on me:

28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Yes. I've been tired and worn out. Burned out. I want to recover my life, to get my passion and energy back. And all I have to do is to walk with Jesus and live the way He did. Actually, not such an easy thing to do. But there's a promise here that a better way to live can be learned. Jesus promises not to lay anything on me that is too heavy or ill-fitting. How comforting to know that!

God has equipped me to do a work for Him that only people like me, those who have lived with mood disorders can do well. And that's to comfort others who suffer as I do. That kind of work is not heavy for me. It fits me well. But I need to walk close to God. I need to keep company with Jesus.

Unfortunately, my bipolar disorder causes me to have moods that make all this hard to do. During episodes I start feeling and thinking in ways that I truly cannot help. I'm so thankful though to have friends who will help remind me of the way God wants me to live. Friends who will help kick me out of depression by reminding me that I'm loved. Friends who will help me regain proper perspective. This kind of support is priceless.

Great is Thy faithfulness

Last night as I talked to a friend about how depressed I've been lately and the hopelessness I felt, she reminded me of how it is teaching me how to be sympathetic to others who suffer as I do. And that provided me with a glimmer of something positive that I know will come out of this. Because yes, it's compassion that has provided me with the most meaningful work I've had in this life - the building of a Living Room ministry.

This morning I once more sat - as David so aptly described it in Psalm 139:8 - making "my bed in the depths." Feeling quite sorry for myself. Feeling quite hopeless.

A friend's email woke me up when she said, "Which verses are you going to lean on today?" and "...what are you going to do today that will help you be more positive? What is something you can do today that will give you a sense of enjoyment and fulfillment?"

My thoughts went to my other friend's comment last night about compassion. Another glimmer of hope. And I thought of the hymn that always draws an abundance of tears from me when we sing it in church:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

I am reminded of God's great compassion and love for me - something these lyrics always bring home so clearly for me. I am also reminded of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5;

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

At this moment I feel encouraged. I don't always have to be a victim of this illness. I can turn around and use what I learn to help others.

I just pray that during the waves of negative thinking I've been experiencing the encouragement I feel at this moment will last. I pray that this will provide the food I need to keep me going.

Before I had support

Many years ago, before I had the kind of supportive friends I have now, I spent months at a time in my bedroom. Only coming out for meals and to try to do small things like emptying a dishwasher or tidying a bit. Most of the time, though, was spent in the bedroom in deep depression. I don't remember at those times having anyone I could reach out to. My husband pretty well left me alone, immersed in his projects. Those projects are probably what helped him cope with my condition.

And I wonder, is it the support of close friendships - truly loving relationships with godly friends - that have kept me in more recent years from such very long isolated depressions? Is that how reaching out has benefited me? I don't know. I just don't know. All I know is that I have some very special friends now to whom I can talk about my feelings and thoughts.

Thing is, I feel I've been over-burdening two or three with phone calls and emails - to the point of clinging, something I'm very ashamed of. That isn't nice for anyone, even those who understand what I'm going through. I wish I could change, and yet I feel powerless to do that. Do any of you have such problems?

Not nice to think of yourself as someone who is a bother to others. It isn't like me to be that. I want to support others, not be a burden. And I do support many. I have supported many. Yet that doesn't count for anything when the tables are turned and I am the one who's having a hard time.

A couple of years ago I attended a meeting of suicide survivors - family of people who had committed suicide. The stories they told was that most of the people who had taken their lives did so because they hated so much being a burden to their loved ones. I hate that too. I hate being the kind of person who clings for dear life to her friends - searching for a way to have her needs met. So needing to hear that she is loved. How I despise that about myself! How I despise my self-centeredness at times like this!

I know this is all part of the depression I'm living with. These are symptoms many of us suffer when we're that way. I know I'm not alone. And yet I wish I could be stronger.

I've been focusing on scripture this afternoon. It helps me feel better, but the better feelings don't last. I just pray I can escape this soon, though these feelings have been such a big part of what I've lived with lately. I wonder if I will ever overcome them and become the strong me again. The supporter me.

The pain of being misunderstood

I have a need once more to talk about the need for understanding of people with depression. I've done a lot of writing on this topic, trying to build understanding for the sake of those who live with mental health problems.

Unfortunately, recent experience is showing me that it is impossible for a person to be fully understood by someone who has never experienced depression themselves. In actual fact, talking to such people about your pain is dangerous. It can lead to more pain than the depression itself. You set yourself up for rejection and we all know how painful rejection can feel. It can be worse than the depression itself.

The only truly safe people to talk with are those who have been there. Or - the very rare person who walks so closely to Jesus that he/she is willing and able to give himself fully and understand in the way He understood. To be compassionate, in the midst of not having been there themselves is a rare thing. It takes the person who is - for a little while - willing to put him/herself in the shoes of the suffering person and to suffer with this person - in the way Jesus did. Few people are able to do this. Everyone has their own life to live - their own problems. And, when we're depressed we do tend to be awfully self-centered - not a very becoming thing. In the midst of our problems, we do need to strive for other-centeredness.

This shows me how important it is for those of us who do understand, to comfort others in the way we have been comforted. To love in the way we've been loved by our most merciful Father in heaven. At least to remind each other of His great love for us.

We who live with mood disorders so badly need each other. We so badly need to encourage each other to go to that most compassionate person of all - Jesus Christ. He suffered greatly for all of us. He too was rejected by friends who didn't understand what He was going through. His disciples slept in the Garden of Gethsemane while He was suffering. Not willing to stay awake and be with Him. Not understanding the severity of what He was dealing with.

He knows what suffering is and knows the pain we feel. His pain was far greater than ours. He gave us His all. Can we give our all to each other? Kind of doubtful. We are human and self-centered, especially when we're in the midst of depression.

We need to turn to Jesus. But we also need our friends around us. As friends we need to show each other the love of Christ, because that's sometimes the only way we'll remember that He's there - through the hands of another Christ follower who will show God's compassion to us in real terms.

Let's reach out our hand to others who suffer, in the name of Jesus.

All the more makes me believe in Living Room, though at times it can be a difficult responsibility to bear. We who lead Living Room continually need to turn to God, the One who can strengthen us, in spite of our great weakness. It's God's work, after all. Not ours.

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

"His understanding no one can fathom." How wonderful to have Someone whose understanding is greater than we could ever imagine. We need to rest and find peace in that knowledge.

Where is God calling?

At the bottom of my emails is a quote I get something out of each time I read it. Always something else. Always new and different, depending on where I am in my life. And my life - like everyone's life - is forever changing. Always something different to focus attention on. Always different things happening. Some troublesome stuff; some good stuff. Joyful times and sad times.

But I'd better get to the quote. I want to share it with you and see how it might affect you in your life:

"The place God calls you to is the place where your
deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
- Frederick Buechner

Over the past few years God has called me to different places, each of them exciting and wonderful. Each of them a challenge. Each of them doing good in some way. Each of them bringing me to a place that straddled my joy and the need I saw in the world. It was always a narrow place to be - a narrow part of the road God took me on. Always a narrow focus to address some very particular needs.

I wrote a book called A Firm Place to Stand in an effort to help Christian readers (both those who have mood disorders and those who need to understand them) realize that it's possible to have a mental illness, yet maintain a close relationship with God. And - in spite of having a severe mental disorder - to actually find some meaning through the living with it.

And I started Living Room, a Christian peer support ministry for people with mood disorders. It started with a group that met in my church's basement and has now grown to ten groups in Canada. I'm sure though, that there are many more groups than this, judging by the many who have ordered manuals and down-loaded them off the Living Room website.

Now, at this point of my life when I'm reaching 65, I feel God nudging me again. Nudging me to make changes in what I do with my life. I feel nudged to return to my photography. I'm a child photographer at heart and long to spend more time using this gift God has given me. I've never mentioned my photography website here but would like to invite you to have a peek at an old site that I have up. Just to share with you this joyous part of me. Please do have a look at www.candidsbymarja.com.

And so I'm praying: "Where next, dear Lord? Where should I spend my next few years? How can I best serve you at this stage of my life? Where are You calling?"

And...what does Buechner's quote say to you. Where is God calling you today?

Mom at 96

Last week I took my camera when I visited Mom. I had wanted to photograph her for a long time. At 96 she still has such a wonderful spirit, in spite of her dementia. "Pleasantly confused" is what the staff at her home call it. How fortunate I am that she is still so good to visit!

In spite of her old age and her 25% vision, Mom will not put her crocheting down. She absolutely needs something in her hands to do. If she didn't she would feel useless. And she's not ready to be useless. So she makes afghans for babies, as well as some for adults.

The yarn she's working on in these pictures is not the easiest to work with. She complains about how it keeps splitting as she works. I've offered to buy some different yarn for her, so she can leave this project and work on something easier and more pleasant. But no, true to her spirit she is determined not to let this blue yarn go to waste. So she perseveres. I admire Mom's perseverance. She doesn't give up, even when things get difficult. I've seen her work for hours, trying to unravel a tangled ball of yarn, not wanting any to go to waste.

It makes me wonder, is that where I got my perseverance from? Is that how I inherited my never-giving-up attitude about the work I'm engaged in? Is that where I got my desire to always make new things happen? Whether it be photography or a writing project? Is that - together with my dad's equally creative spirit - how I came to be the person I am? I don't doubt it.

And, I mustn't forget her joyful spirit. She frequently feels lonely. Not many visitors, no friends left, fairly immobile. Yet she remains cheerful - most of the time - friendly towards the other residents in the home, not needing much to bring on a smile. She does love people. Something else I've inherited from her.

Today I feel fortunate for what my parents have given me. They weren't perfect parents - as, I suppose few are - but I need to be thankful. For they helped make me what I am.

Writing - putting it all on paper

In a promo to his new book Philip Yancey said, "For a writer, nothing really counts in life until you put it on paper." What Good is God? sounds like it's going to be an excellent read and I've already ordered a copy, looking forward to its delivery. Yancey is such a wonderfully honest writer, a writer after my own heart.

And what Yancey said here is so true for me. As my life carries on I'm finding more and more that I really am a writer. There are very few things that happen to me, very few things I think or feel, that I don't feel compelled to share in some way - whether it be in emailed letters, articles, books, notecards, blogposts, or speeches that I write out. I like to send comments to what others have written, and yet so precious few other people do.

I'm constantly puzzled why others don't seem to want to share in the way I do. So much I write receives no response. A point of view I expressed via email to a group of members of my church - something I had hoped would spark some written discussion - received responses only from the pastor and one other person. And when I posted a comment on a church online forum, no one responded.

But I guess not everyone has time for such things. And I guess it's not as easy for everyone to write letters. I'm learning to understand.

I send many emails to friends and receive great satisfaction and comfort from sharing with them what's in my heart. And yet I wonder, are they getting tired of me? When they see my name in their inbox, do they think to themselves, "oh no, not another one"?

And yet I can't not write. Each email is a necessity in my mind, though my husband calls it an obsession. Don't know if it is or not. I comfort myself by thinking, "I'm a writer. That's what I do. That's what I need to do. That's what God made me to do." I feel like Yancey feels, nothing in my life counts until I've written about it.

The positive about depression

Hi everyone, especially those who today happen to be feeling depressed but need a bit of a lift. I understand how hard it is to recognize the positive in something when all you can feel is the ugly feeling of nothingness. But will you try?

In 2007, at a time when I had far more wherewithal to blog than I do today, I wrote the following. I'm hoping it will encourage you.

I've had Susan Bernard's post on depression open for days, intending to add some thoughts it stirred up in me. But I've been too lazy to use my head for a while and have - I'm sorry - had to put off blogging for a while. But today is the day I will try to address it.

Susan quotes from a book by Jonathan Zeuss, M.D.:

"Depression is a quest for vision; its essence is transformation. Depression wells up and encompasses us for a time in a state of painful, dream-saturated formlessness, but its true purpose is to provide the opportunity for healing insight, renewal, and reintegration..."

One of my favorite books on depression is New Light on Depression by Harold G. Koenig, M.D. and David B. Biebel, D. Min. Much of the book deals with depression from a Christian perspective. I think it's Biebel who said, "...depression's saving grace is not that it can be conquered but that it puts depressed persons of faith in touch with deeper truths about reality, spirituality, and themselves than might otherwise be known." (Yes, I think I understand more about life than those for whom life has been easier.)

He goes on to say - and this is a little bit of a different positive angle I can really relate to:

"Having one's capacity for serenity and joy restored is little compensation for the agony of despair, much less the 'despair beyond despair.' The only true compensation for depression has to do with the sense of purpose and fulfillment that comes from redemptive involvement with others in distress, sharing the comfort we've experienced. This is the true route to joy."

In my own way, I've found a purpose that I probably would not have had, were it not for my bouts with the effects of bipolar disorder - especially the depression. I've come to think of depression as fodder, something bad out of which good can come. Though I suffer as much as anyone while I'm going through it, I know it will help me to help others. And helping others IS "the true route to joy." It truly is.

And, today, the purpose I found for my struggles - the formation of Living Room - is alive and well and last month celebrated its' fourth anniversary (even though we didn't actually have a party, or even a cake. Maybe we'll do that next year, when we're five years old).

Another thing I need to draw note to. I wrote in 2007 how depression had been the major thing I had to deal with in my bipolar disorder. Today I can honestly say, the main thing I deal with is hypomania. Most of my struggles now involve not going higher, or more joyful, than I should be. But I have a lot of support and a psychiatrist who has a good understanding of me and the meds I need (though I think he's a bit befuddled right now).

This is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. I hope you all have a great day, whether you celebrate alone or with family and friends. I hope you'll be able to count your blessings, even if you ARE depressed :))

Global anti-stigma bike ride

A man called Michael Schratter is riding his bike across 30 countries and 6 continents to raise money and awareness about mental health and to battle the stigma surrounding mental illness. You may have heard of him. He keeps this blog as he rides. http://www.ridedonthide.com/blog/ Apparently he's all alone on this journey - no companion.

A couple of weeks ago Bev Gutray, executive director of CMHA, BC Division encouraged me to let people know of his trip so that they can help him somehow. I know, myself, the best I can do is to keep him company through blogging - making comments on his blogposts. Letting him know he's not alone. I do hope I will find the time to do so, but will do my best.

Might you be interested in doing the same? Could you put yourself in Michael's shoes and realize what it's like cycling so many miles...alone - for the benefit of people with mental health problems? For the reduction of the stigma that still exists? What a great sacrifice he's making!

Would you be able to donate to the cause?
Would you be interested to share your story at www.ridedonthide.com?

Go to http://www.ridedonthide.com/how-you-can-help/ for a variety of ideas of how you could help.

Any of these things would be greatly helpful.

And...tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day, at least here in Canada. And if it's not Thanksgiving where you live, I pray you will have lots to thank God about, nevertheless.

In need of a lifesaver

I wrote the following in November of 2008. I don't remember writing it, but there are clues there that make me realize it was indeed me. I can still relate. I still have the same needs at times. Though I do know I have a lot of supportive friends, I do sometimes wish that I did not have to reach out to them as much as I need to. And I do wish they would call me a bit more often when they know I'm in trouble. People do tend to be afraid to contact friends suffering from emotional problems. I think it's understandable. It's so hard to know what to do or say when you haven't experienced such troubles yourself.

I’ve wanted to write for long time about how Christians could best offer support to their depressed friends. As someone who has needed support for over forty years of struggle and having given support for the last two, I believe I am well qualified to give such advice.

Today, after over a month of increasing depression, I wish someone would call me and throw me a lifesaver. Though people say they care and that they’ll be there for me, they seldom call and I feel that to call them I would just be a bother. I call them, but that’s not like being thrown a lifesaver. It would be nice if they would reach out to me once in a while. Then I would truly feel supported and cared for.

I feel less and less able to do the things that are required of me, more and more wishing I could go on strike and forget about my commitments. I’m afraid I might sink.


How helpful it was to have a friend call with a plan to do some Christmas baking with her when I’m feeling better! That became a window of hope for me, giving light and giving me energy to do some things again.

My memory is poor - very poor. I don't even remember writing this. Neither do I remember ever actually ending up baking with this friend. Never-the-less, she did something wonderful for me in giving me something to hope for. She didn't push me to come and bake with her immediately, sympathetically recognizing that it was beyond me at the time. Such a comfort not to be pushed into something I wasn't able to enjoy just yet.

PS: Over the last two years since I have written that, I think I've learned something. I learned that others have problems too and that I should not always consider my needs greater than theirs. I need to - even in the midst of my own struggles - reach out to them and consider their needs too. I need to call them to find out how things are in their life. We all need to care for each other.

And you know, when I do that my depression doesn't affect me as badly.