Good things about depression

I've had Susan Bernard's post on depression open for days, intending to add some thoughts it stirred up in me. But I've been too lazy to use my head for a while and have - I'm sorry - had to put off blogging for a while. But today is the day I will try to address it.

Susan quotes from a book by Jonathan Zeuss, M.D.:

"Depression is a quest for vision; its essence is transformation. Depression wells up and encompasses us for a time in a state of painful, dream-saturated formlessness, but its true purpose is to provide the opportunity for healing insight, renewal, and reintegration..."

One of my favorite books on depression is New Light on Depression by Harold G. Koenig, M.D. and David B. Biebel, D. Min. Much of the book deals with depression from a Christian perspective. I think it's Biebel who said, "...depression's saving grace is not that it can be conquered but that it puts depressed persons of faith in touch with deeper truths about reality, spirituality, and themselves than might otherwise be known." (Yes, I think I understand more about life than those for whom life has been easier.)

He goes on to say - and this is a little bit of a different positive angle I can really relate to:

"Having one's capacity for serenity and joy restored is little compensation for the agony of despair, much less the 'despair beyond despair.' The only true compensation for depression has to do with the sense of purpose and fulfillment that comes from redemptive involvement with others in distress, sharing the comfort we've experienced. This is the true route to joy."

In my own way, I've found a purpose that I probably would not have had, were it not for my bouts with the effects of bipolar disorder - especially the depression. I've come to think of depression as fodder, something bad out of which good can come. Though I suffer as much as anyone while I'm going through it, I know it will help me to help others. And helping others IS "the true route to joy." It truly is.

4:15 am - ever earlier

Good morning. It's 5:10 am and I've been up for almost an hour. Every day I seem to be getting up earlier - no need for more sleep. I've been getting about six hours sleep a night yet don't seem to need more, except for one or two brief naps during the day.

This is kind of nice. It makes for long, fruitful days. Yet I worry a bit about it as well. This is not normal, is it? Good thing is that I do feel tired at the end of the day - ready for sleep by ten o'clock. Though I'm very busy and active, I don't feel like I'm high.

The long mornings are wonderful though. Those early hours are the best part of my day. Lots of time to sit in my comfortable leather chair with a cup of coffee, just mulling things over. Time to journal, read my Bible - though I don't do enough of that, and pray - though I don't do enough of that either.

But, to tell the truth, I am a bit worried about these early risings - these short nights. It's not normal, is it? I'll try and get in to see my pdoc next week and go over this with him. About time to see him anyways.

Creating living room (part two)

This cover is really much more clear and sharp in reality. I think I must have done something wrong technically to make it look so bad.

I want to share with you a bit about how neat a thing Living Room is - some of the things I cover in my new manual.

Living Room is a Christian self-help group for people with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders. Ideally facilitators should have one of these problems; they will be better able to identify - better able to support. The group is in partnership with a mood disorder association. This helps avoid the danger of trying to spiritualize the problems too much - something Christian groups need to watch out for.

Neat thing is: "You get help, you give help, and - in the process - help yourself."

It's obvious how participants can benefit from this place where they can share with others their troubles, at the same time discussing their faith. Finding out they're not alone helps them gather encouragement and strength.

But how does the church benefit?

1. The church responds to Christ's call to love and help people in need.
2. It helps people who are often shunned in the community.
3. It helps break down the stigma of mental illness by promoting prayer and support for the participants.
4. It helps make mental illness an acceptable topic of conversation, encouraging others to be open about their struggles and search out treatment and support.
5. It gives members of the congregation opportunities to gain a better understanding about mental health issues.

I'm frequently encouraged to hear how important Living Room is when I hear the stories from members of the group. At the last meeting there was a man his wife who were strong members of his church but never felt free to talk about about his bipolar disorder there. They kept his disease a dark secret - a burden for which they received no spiritual support. Being able to talk about his problems in the Christian setting we provided gave him a tremendous relief. It was a release he very much needed.

There are many stories - too many to share here. But I feel a passion for this program and think it needs to extend to communities everywhere. Yet I know it will take time. People have to feel free to share their problems with the disorder with their church family.

Once again, I offer this manual to you. Even if you're not ready to start up, I believe it will be an inspiration that will help you see what is possible when there is a place where people can freely talk about their mental health difficulties in the light of their faith.

To order a copy - at my cost - email me at info@candidsbymarja.com

Creating living room

Those of you who have been coming to this site for a while will remember that I've been writing manuals to help people who want to set up a faith-based support group. Manual number one, which describes the Living Room support group concept, is pretty well ready to go to press. I "only" have to sort out some funding issues.

But things are looking good. In fact a Christian organization that supports people with disabilities and mental illness has expressed an interest in sending copies to a large number of pastors, with a letter promoting the idea. I am happy about this.

When you are doing work God truly wants you to do - with a positive and prayerful spirit - things do come together. ...and what a joy it is to see that happen!

Manual number two, the facilitator's guide, is also ready to go. I just haven't decided yet how to produce it. The first manual will be an attractive booklet with a glossy cover (see above). We can afford that since we will probably need to print a lot to cover the order we will get from the organization I described above. The facilitator's manual may end up in a report cover, but still with an attractive color cover.

This first manual, Creating Living Room, is for church leaders and people with mood disorders who want to know how they could set up an outreach group like this in their church. If you would like me to mail you a copy, please email me at info@candidsbymarja.com. I will let you know when it's ready and the cost. (I will only charge my cost for printing and mailing.) You may want to get the facilitator's manual at the same time.

Bitter or better?

Thank you Anonymous Mom, Susan, and Tery for your comments on my last post.

You're right, Tery, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are not fun. In fact they can be unbearable at times. But the question is - what kind of person do you become as a result? If you don't become bitter, you become better. (I'm quoting someone here, but not sure who.) I truly believe that. If we can survive the storms and fires of life we end up becoming stronger people. We end up with a lot to offer. We end up joyful and at peace, in spite of it.

I'm 61 years old and have lived with bipolar disorder for over forty years. Since I began relying on God at the age of 42 (as the result of a bipolar crisis), I have gradually become stronger. Many things came into play as part of this life of faith:

• my belief that God loves me the way I am. I did not suffer from feelings of guilt or shame. My illness isn't my fault, so why feel guilty?
  
• the courage to be open about my disorder (I was fortunate - I didn't have to work - so was relatively safe in letting the world know)
• the purpose I found in trying to reduce the stigma through writing about mental health issues. This sense of purpose - God-given - makes me feel strong and well.
  
• the Christ-like love and support I received from church friends
• the compassion I feel for others who suffer as I do. Another purpose - I want to help in some way - to love, as God loves me.

Having bipolar disorder isn't what makes me happy. But I'm happy with the way this disorder has challenged me and made my faith in God important to me. It's my ability to become a better person as a result that I'm thankful for. God has helped give me this positive way of looking at it.

Eugene Peterson's paraphrased version of the Bible says this: "...every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." (Romans 8:28)

Finding meaning

My most recent article about finding meaning in my life with bipolar disorder was published today. I hope you'll take a look. There has been one comment, one I've responded to. The person vehemently disagrees with my efforts to take a positive spin on things. And perhaps you might agree with her. I think there's lots of room for discussion here.

But I have found meaning in life, meaning that I'm not sure I would have found without my disorder.

I was talking to a friend this afternoon who feels similarly about the renal failure she suffered a few years ago. She received a kidney transplant. It didn't take. Then she had another one. Today this tiny lady lives with four kidneys inside her (doctors did not remove the non-functioning ones). Physically she is not strong, but she is happy and has never felt as much at peace.

The thing is, in the midst of these transplants she found God. Her life has changed in an amazing way. This might not have happened if she had not suffered such a crisis.

Something similar happened to me. I began searching for God at a time I felt I could no longer cope on my own with the unbearable feelings my disorder brought on. I needed someone I could lean on to help me through those rough times. This is how I found God. And my life has also changed in an amazing way.

In the article that was published today I missed mentioning this important spiritual life that I have found in my life with bipolar. I wish I'd remembered to do that. But this more complete story, No Longer Alone, is also online. It was published in May. I would love if you would read it.

I would be interested to hear your comments on this positive look at living with bipolar disorder. Am I being far too positive (in your opinion)?

I need your help

Frustrating! I had saved a couple of quotes from people on the blogs about how it feels to not have anyone understanding they can really talk to when they need support for their depression. They expressed the loneliness they felt and the lack of understanding they received from their friends.

I needed these to help me write an article about the need we who suffer from depression have for good support. And now they've vanished.

Could you help me?

How does it feel when you have no one to talk to who will show compassion?

I'm truly hoping you can put on your thinking caps, remember what it feels like or how it feels today, and write a line or two. This article is for a Christian website that wants to educate Christians about mental illness.

Church response to the mentally ill

All of you who are interested in issues of faith and mental health would find this article by Peter Andres of Mennonite Central Committee Supportive Care Services in BC a worthwhile read...and it's not only because he quotes me.

What deeply impassioned me once again was the comment by a person named Daniel from South Africa. Is there ever a lot of work to do to educate the Christian church! I pray that God will help us do that. I pray that God will help Christians listen.

Other-centeredness

First of all, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I hope you'll check out the comments I made on your comments :-)

A couple of days ago I felt so awful, even thinking I might be on the edge of depression again - all because I felt I had been leaning too heavily on my friends - bothering them too much with my phone calls and emails. Today I feel much better. It didn't take long to get over. Makes me wonder whether I wasn't a bit too quick to start complaining publicly about my insecure feelings.

Through helping a friend who was in some trouble I forgot all about my own. I find repeatedly that when I start to think about others rather than myself I feel better. When I do a little thing for someone else, or call to see how someone who hasn't been well is feeling, or when I work on a piece of writing that might help others, I don't have as much of a problem. When I forget about myself I don't worry about how I look to others. I stop looking inside myself and look outside.

Yet it's the nature of depression - and mania as well - to focus on self. We become self-centered. I've learned that by practising other-centeredness I can perhaps even ward off a depression when it threatens. It doesn't always work, but I'm sure it has helped many times.

Facilitating my Living Room support group has helped my emotional well-being in a big way. I feel stronger, more together. Today there are 37 members in the group. Of course, not everyone shows up at the same time. I receive frequent phone calls from people who want to start coming and phone calls from people who want to talk. There are always two or three that need some special attention. Serving the needs of these people has given me great joy. I feel I'm doing what God designed me for. Living Room has helped me stop thinking of myself overly much. I've prayed for a long time to be more other-centered and Living Room has been one of the answers to this prayer.

If you are interested in the Living Room faith-based support group concept for people with mood disorders, let me know. I have created manuals to help you set one up as an outreach project for your church. It's thorough and will give you all the tools you need. Just email me at info@candidsbymarja.com.

My river

“For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34)

I’m a letter writer, at times far too much so. When I have an idea, I need to share it. When a Bible verse speaks strongly to me or puzzles me, I need to discuss it. When something exciting happens in my life, I can’t keep it to myself. I write when I’m happy, when I’m excited, when I’m hurt. The river inside me must flow. What’s in my heart must come out.

I’m a communicator by nature. This is what has helped me as a photographer and writer.

But lately I've been feeling very badly about myself, having the distinct feeling that I've been burdening friends too much with emails and phone calls. This tendency to over-communicate is difficult to control; it's like an obsession. Every once in a while I feel this way - like I'm a nuisance and a burden. It's an ugly feeling; it's a depressing feeling.

Fortunately, since I started blogging things have improved a bit. I have one more place to express myself. But there's nothing like talking to a special friend who understands me and has become important to me. I just wish I could find it in myself to give my friends more space. I sincerely hope and pray that God will help me change.

This problem is with me whether I'm high or low. It is not affected too much by mood. Is this a bipolar thing? Does anyone else have problems with over-communicating?

Sleeping: an act of trust

It's a coincidence - or is it? - that Susan of Bipolarwellness just finished talking about sleeping problems, searching for solutions that might help Kira out. I had been planning on doing a post about the problems of getting rest. It was the topic for our last Living Room meeting.

Some of the practical solutions to getting to sleep are well covered in Susan's post. But there is a spiritual angle to this - one I haven't seen discussed too much anywhere. I read a wonderful book by Mark Buchanan and loved it so much that I am in the process of reading it again. The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring the Sabbath deals with rediscovering what it means to truly rest. One of the things Buchanan writes about is sleep.

I want to share with you what he has to say on this topic:

Sleep is "...a relinquishment. It is a self-abandonment: of control, of power, of consciousness, of identity. We direct nothing in our sleep. We master nothing. We lose ourselves and are carried like children or prisoners into a netherworld alternately grotesque and idyllic, carnivalesque and elysian. In sleep we become infants again: utterly vulnerable, completely defenseless, totally dependent. Out of control.

"...So sleep, besides being a necessity, is also an act of faith.

"...we give ourselves, regardless of our unfinished business, into God's care. We sleep simply because we believe God will look after us."

A good trip

Thank you Di, Marie, Tery, and Mel for your good wishes for the road trip with my husband's mother.

The trip actually did feel like a holiday. Though we did a lot of driving within a short time, we enjoyed ourselves. We had rented a larger car so there was plenty of room for our luggage and mother's walker. And the traveling was smoother and much more comfortable than it would have been with our smaller car. It was a good investment.

I think I enjoyed myself more with Mom along than I would have if it were only my husband and I. She was so appreciative of everything - had such delight in all she saw. I felt true joy knowing that we were giving her a trip that she had long ago thought was no longer possible for her.

I got a kick out of her frequent remarks on how good the roads were. She remembered the way the roads were when she travelled them as a much younger person.

Taking a trip with Mother is something I would not mind repeating sometime. But next time we won't need to rush so much.

Road trip

Just letting you know that I won't be around until Saturday or so. We're off on a road trip to attend a wedding. Can't say I'm thrilled about the drive, unfortunately. Tomorrow we'll be driving for twelve hours with my 96-year-old mother-in-law along. The wedding is the next day. Please pray that all will go well and that this won't be too hard on her.

Will miss all my blogging pals, but will catch up when I return.

Stay well, okay?

God leads - through highs and lows

Sharing a neat little poem I friend sent me last night. Very comforting.

He Leadeth Me

He leadeth me.
In pastures green? No, not always.
Sometimes He who knoweth best
In kindness leadeth me in weary ways
Where heavy shadows be;
Out of the sunshine warm and soft and bright,
Out of the sunshine into the darkest night.
I oft would yield to sorrow and to fright
Only for this: I know he holds my hand,
So, whether led in green, or desert land
I trust, although I cannot understand....


So whether on the hilltops, high and fair
I dwell, or in the sunless valleys, where
The shadows lie--what matter? He is there.
And more than this; where'er the pathway lead
He gives to me no helpless, broken reed,
But His Own hand, sufficient for my need.
So where He leads me I can safely go,
And in the blest hereafter I shall know
Why in His wisdom He hath led me so.


Anonymous

How am I?

Thank you, Tery, for thinking of me and for your concern about where my mood is at. It is good today and I am glad.

After you responded with suggestions on how to deal with my feelings of being on the brink of another depression, I did the following:

• In the afternoon I talked to a dear friend about how I was feeling. Talking to her always makes me feel better. When my mood is suffering I need to talk to someone about it. I try not to make that all we talk about though.
  
• In the evening I went for a walk with my husband at a park. Afterwards we went to a coffee shop for an iced cappucino.
  
• When we came home we played a board game we've really come to enjoy.
• The next day was Living Room. It's hard not to be up when that meeting happens. Leading it feeds me. It's the work God gave me to do and always brings joy.
• On the day of Living Room, I found a copy of BC Christian News, a newspaper that goes to all the churches in this area and beyond. On page 3 they had published my testimony, something I had sent to them a while back. They printed my photograph way too big, but fortunately it's a good one (the same as the one I have on my blog).
• On that same day I found that their website had published an article I wrote about creativity and how it benefits us emotionally. You can find it here.

I believe it's true that how we live our lives, especially when depression has not quite taken hold, can help us avoid the trap of falling into the hole. It would be interesting to hear how others feel about that. To what extent can we push depression away by our attitude and in how we spend our time?

And Emilija: Thank you for your comment as well. Yes, it is hard not to worry when your mood seems to slide, even slightly. I always talk about how we shouldn't be so fearful because fear just makes things worse. But how can you avoid it? I like your term "vigilance". Yes, it's not so much that we fear, we're just vigilant - and we need to be.

Thank you, too, Sarah. You are truly with me on the spiritual aspects of coping with this disease. It's good to have people having the same perspective on it as I do. We can encourage each other.

By the way, our attendance at Living Room was high for a summertime meeting. We had sixteen participants. Good thing we decided to meet through the summer.

Enough of that!

Enough talk about negative things that might be happening to my mood! I can't let a post like that stand alone, so I will talk about some neat things: things happening with our Living Room support group.

We have three members in our group who are keen about facilitating, each with a set of wonderful gifts. I'm excited about that - happy about that. Two have now received training from the Mood Disorders Association of BC. The other will take the next workshop when it comes up.

On August 10th I won't be able to be at the meeting, but one of these people will stand in for me, doing the devotional. A while back she wrote an inspiring story. She will read that story and use it as the basis for a discussion. The other two leaders will facilitate and help out with the lunch. Living Room will be in good hands.

The person who will do the devotional is eager to learn how to put more of them together and present them. This is neat. It's not something everyone would be interested in. Not only that. She would like to one day start her own group closer to where she lives. There is a need in the west part of Vancouver.

Tomorrow or the next day I will report on tomorrow's meeting. (I can hardly wait for it.) We're doing a session about sleeping problems. I will share with you something that might help, if getting to sleep is a problem you have.

Now - do I sound depressed? I don't think so.

About me and about Susan

I know it's not a good idea to panic when symptoms of depression first appear. After all, it may be just a glitch. Everyone has a bad day now and then. To fear being depressed could actually bring it on.

Yesterday - and a bit today (though the day is still young) - I've felt lost, lonely, bored. Is the problem that I've had so much excitement lately and I crave for that to continue? Is it that I haven't been creative enough lately and I crave to make something or to make something happen? Have I been somewhat hypomanic lately and not known it? My husband figures I have been.

All my projects are on hold. They are in others' hands, awaiting approval or editing or publishing. I don't feel like beginning another writing project while so much is in limbo. I feel that I don't have control over things right now. It's a bit frustrating.

Over the past forty years I have fought the onset of depression with new creative projects. Creativity certainly has to be a part of my life if I am to stay happy. Perhaps what I need to do today is to go back to some painting. I'm without a car all day and I know I'll get lonely. (How badly I need my friends!) Perhaps I'll walk to a friend's house later for a visit - break up the day a bit - get some exercise - do all the right things to stave off depression (just in case I am on the brink).

But here I am all self-consumed (another symptom of depression). I'm forgetting to thank all of you who prayed for my friend Susan. Having so many pray meant a lot to me, and even more to Susan. When I told her there would be many people praying for her she was very grateful - relieved to know that she would not be so alone in her battle. So THANK YOU ALL.

Please pray

I have a friend who badly needs prayer. She is carrying far too large a load of suffering for one person. My friend's name is Susan. She has been depressed for five years. No medications have helped her and even a series of 17 ECT's haven't helped. Every morning she wakes up feeling tormented and suicidal. The way she describes it to me sounds worse than what hell would be.

This morning, as we talked and prayed together, I deeply felt her pain. And later it occurred to me how wonderful it would be if a bunch of people could each take a bit of that pain - spread it around a bit - take a bit of that load off her. The Bible tells us to carry each other's burdens (Galatians 6:2). This is what followers of Christ should do. This is what Christ did for us.

And I wonder, if many prayed - with compassion and in sympathy with her suffering - would it be possible for the weight of her pain to be lessened? Believers would say that this is most definitely possible. With nothing else helping at this point, her only hope lies in this.

And so I want to ask all of you who believe in prayer, to please think of Susan and what she is going through and to pray that she will find healing. Please pray that she will be freed from this depression and that she will once more learn what life truly has to offer. Ask God to remove the ugly feelings and help her feel the love and peace he offers.

Please join me in this.

Seroquel

I don't normally like to discuss medications. For one thing, I don't understand them very well - after all, I'm not a doctor or pharmacist. Another thing, I find all those names and different uses confusing. My head was not built to collect that kind of information.

But today I did feel moved to ask some questions from you, my readers. Is anyone taking seroquel? And how has it been for you?

Reason is: I have a friend who is on it and complains about being suicidal in the morning. Later in the day is somewhat better. She has been trying to come off it, but without luck so far. She appears to be addicted.

Tonight I was talking to someone else who has the same complaints. Takes seroquel, is suicidal every morning, and better in the afternoon. He can't manage to come off it. He blames the medication. Before seroquel he was depressed, but the suicidal thoughts are new.

So, please tell me about seroquel.

Pictorial interlude

It's time to turn our thoughts to something true and pure and lovely. "...if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8

A gift for you this Sabbath day. I hope this will make you smile.

With love to all my readers - marja

Belief in demons still rampant (part two)

I guess I need to continue this discussion, though I'd rather leave it alone. Talking about these things that upset me is not good for my mood. I'd rather talk about positive things. The Bible says:

"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

That's excellent advice. I'd much rather do that. But when Christians say things that hurt other Christians, we need to speak up. We should not hide our head in the ground. So I must say just a few more things--things I read in Neil Anderson's The Bondage Breaker that I think are harmful and dangerous to many people suffering from mental illnesses.

The subtitle of the book describes in short what the book promises to help the reader do: Overcoming Negative Thoughts, Irrational Feelings, Habitual Sins. According to the book, the entire answer lies in our spirituality. There is no suggestion that these negative thoughts or irrational feelings could be due to medical causes requiring a doctor's care and medications. Anderson, and too many other evangelists, are in the dark about the cause of mental illnesses. Too many spiritualize all problems involving the mind.

According to Anderson, when we have emotional pain it is because--a person loses his freedom from Satan--"because you have failed to stand firm in the faith or you have disobeyed God" and "it is your responsibility to do whatever is necessary to establish a right relationship with God." He gives us seven steps to follow to recover freedom from Satan and demons.

I studied these steps with an open mind, very much wanting to find something to help my friend with the depression doctors had not been able to cure. I even mailed her the first two steps to try to follow. Over the phone I had her pray out loud one of the prayers he recommended. It did not feel good. I was sorry I'd done it. It felt too regimented--negative in its approach and not at all from the heart.

The book claims that "...if anyone in your family was involved (in cults, false religions, etc.)" you need to renounce them, just in case you unknowingly gave Satan a foothold. One young woman I counseled had simply ridden along while her mother visited a psychic, and the daughter walked out with her own spirit guide. (or demon)" This seems so far fetched to me. According to Anderson, this could be the reason for a person's emotional problems.

Yet he doesn't talk about the medical. He does not even touch on it. That's a very dangerous omission. A person reading this book would not even think about going for medical help and might think that doing so would be showing lack of faith. Christian friends encourage their depressed friends to throw away their pills...all they need is Jesus.

For a Christian to refuse medications for a mental illness is as bad as a Jehovah's witness turning down a blood transfusion. Lack of either of these treatments could cost a person his life.

Too many uninformed evangelists like Anderson--some quite influential--do not seem to understand that our minds are housed in an organ of the body, the brain. And when something goes wrong with this organ--in the same way things sometimes go wrong with other organs of our body--our thinking, moods, feelings, and behavior will be affected.

But Anderson believes this dysfunction is caused by demons, by Satan, by not being right with God.

This approach has hurt many mentally ill people, keeping them from going for medical help. They feel evil and ashamed. (Am I starting to repeat myself?)

I abandoned trying to help my friend using Anderson's seven steps. They felt ugly and counter-productive. I ended up praying with her that God's spirit would fill her so much that there would be no room left for evil. Praying for God's love to permeate us is so much simpler.

I realize there can be spiritual triggers for depression and other mental illnesses and spiritual ways of coping with them, but we need to balance treatment by looking at all the facets that make us what we are. We need to have a wholistic approach to our health. Focusing on Jesus and his love seems to me a far better way to fight Satan than to focus on what Satan is doing in our lives.

I want to share a story that Jumpinginpuddles wrote in her blog back in November. She tells of how the effort to exorcise demons from her to treat her multiple personality disorder affected her. This powerful story is an example of how a purely spiritual approach can harm rather than heal.

Now this is all the negative stuff I want to focus on for now. My next post will be on happier topics, I promise. Because the Bible tells us to "think about such things." And God IS good, and I'd rather talk about that.

This is the day...

My favorite way to start off a day is by quoting a little line from Psalm 118:

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

It's 5:50 am and I'm thinking of how I would like to get past all this ugly stuff I've been talking about here: stuff about demons and harmful misunderstanding about us who live with mental illness. I very much feel I need to help educate - to set people straight. But I look forward to the time when I can start thinking about happy, positive things again. I don't like all this blaming and pointing fingers. I want to look at the good.

But I do need to say a few more things about what some people believe about demons, and I did promise a second part to my discussion on these things - a report about Neil Anderson's The Bondage Breaker.

But for now - for this moment in time - if you are reading this at the beginning of the day, I hope you will - with me - rejoice in this day the Lord has made. I hope you will have a happy day, seeing the good, doing what is good, remembering that the Bible says:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

This morning I'm praying for Dream Writer, Chica, Sarah, Susan, Sydney, Heather, Shebee, Chalexa, Desiree, Jane, Jessica, Janice, Jumpinginpuddles and all my other friends who might read this and are living with bipolar disorder or some other mental disorder. I pray that you will trust God to help you on the road to fulfilling the plans he has for you. I pray that you will believe that he can help you bring those plans to fruition. I pray that you will trust him to bring you through the tough times - that you will believe that those tough times will only make you stronger, as long as you hold on to your faith.

...and I pray that you will feel good about yourself, realizing that - even if so many in society do not understand what you face - God understands. And we can face this day, feeling good about who we are.

Maybe this post is a bit weird. I don't know. But I just needed to pass on something good instead of harping on the negative.

Victory over the darkness (part two)

I finished reading the book and still think it has serious problems and is a dangerous thing for Christians to be reading, especially Christians who want to be supportive of those suffering from depression and other mental illnesses.

Neil Anderson spiritualizes everything.

• In one place he talks about a woman who had been hospitalized several times for paranoid schizophrenia. He claims that she was cured as a result of his counseling. There is no mention of whether she was on medication or not. If she was being treated for schizophrenia, I very much suspect she was. But Anderson makes us believe it was simply spiritual counseling from him that made her well.

• In another place he relates the story of a man who had a breakdown and was committed to a mental hospital against his will by his parents. When he was released he carried on dialogue with voices in his head. Assuming the role of psychiatrist, Anderson claims the man's problem was due to his suppressing his emotions, not willing to admit that he was angry at his parents for having put him in hospital.

• Anderson also says that we have the power to control what we think. When we think right, our emotions follow suit. But what if our brain isn't working the way it should? So many people, like him, believe that our mind is something that we can always control. They don't recognize that the mind is housed in an organ, our brain. Like other organs, things can go physically wrong with it, affecting our thinking, feelings, and behavior.

Neil Anderson has a lot of good things to say. It's only too bad that he doesn't look on our emotional and mental health in a wholistic way. Too bad that he tends to think that anything affecting our minds has a spiritual basis.

Did I already say that this kind of preaching is at the root of the harm Christians are doing to themselves (if they have a mental illness) and to their mentally ill friends? Thinking that mental illness is the result of spiritual problems adds to the shame and guilt people feel. The pain this causes is often worse than the pain caused by the symptoms of the disorder. And these people then do not go for medical help, believing that would be an expression of lack of faith - a further reason to feel guilt and shame.

So, if I were to speak in a balanced way about Neil Anderson's approach--trying not to fall into the same all-or-nothing trap that he is in--I believe his teachings on how to counsel people about some of their emotional problems are valuable. But if a person were going to follow these teachings, he would at the same time have to come to an understanding of what mental disorders are and the medical treatment needed. He would have to study information on depression, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses at the same time. Only then could he read this book and come to a responsible conclusion on what material to accept and what to reject.

It's time for Christians who are interested in helping friends with emotional problems (as so many are) to start reading other books - books that will give them some understanding of the medical issues.

Victory over the darkness

I will continue talking about Neil Anderson's The Bondage Breaker when I have finished reading Victory over the Darkness again.

I have read over half of this book and actually found a lot of good in it. Anderson describes how by living in the Spirit--living in Christ--we will be transformed to be the kind of person God intends us to be. We will experience peace and joy. This is true. I have found that to be true in my own life when I stay close to God. (though I still do experience a lot of depression and other mood swings in spite of it)

The biggest problem--a serious one--is its take on depression. Anderson does in one place on page 127 say "We can be depressed for biochemical reasons, but if there is no physical cause, then depression is often rooted in a sense of hopelessness or helplessness." The thing is--and he doesn't seem to be aware of this--a feeling of hopelessness is a symptom of clinical depression.

What angers me is this :

Anderson talks about the spiritual man as having "emotions characterized by peace and joy instead of turmoil." and for the Christian who does not walk by the Spirit: "...his emotions are plagued by negative feelings." He talks about depression as being present in those who do not walk with God. There is a distinct suggestion that depression is not possible within a person who is close to God.

It's this kind of preaching that is at the root of the extra suffering Christians with depression--as well as other mental illnesses--are made to undergo. This is why so many Christians tell their depressed friends that they're not right with God. This is why many Christians would not think of going for medical help. I had a psychologist call me a couple of months ago, wanting to know about Living Room. He wanted to tell his Christian clients about it because so many of them refused to take medication, believing their problems to be spiritual.

The awful thing about this is that Neil Anderson is so widely accepted and respected. A lot of damage has been done and is continuing to be done. Reading this book a couple of years ago was one of the things that prompted me to write my new, as yet unpublished book, A Firm Place to Stand. It was to counteract people like Neil Anderson.

I will continue to read on with an open mind, knowing that Neil Anderson does have a lot of wisdom to offer. I only wish he would have had some warnings about when a person should go for medical help--and that it's often necessary to fight depression with medication.

It's time, though, for Christian writers and pastors to become more fully aware of what mental illness is and what it can do to people. They need to learn how to encourage people to go for medical help instead of always assuming that their lack of spirituality is at fault.

Correction re demons

I should correct what I said below. It is the Bondage Breaker book that talks a lot about demons. Victory Over the Darkness is not so strong, though it does talk about Satan's influence on our emotional health. I am at this moment re-reading the latter. So far, not too bad.

Belief in demons still rampant (part one)

Are we fighting a losing battle? When are people going to get educated and understand truth...the truth as we understand it in this 21st century? When are "loving" Christians going to realize how much they are even further harming the hurting brothers and sisters in their midst? When are they going to seriously look to Christ as their example?

A couple of years ago someone tried to help me by giving me Neil Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness to read. Anderson is probably one of the most popular deliverance ministers today. Many Christians--including some from my own church--look up to him and listen to what he says about counseling people with emotional problems by delivering them from demonic influences. Deliverance ministers believe that it is demons that are behind our inability to stop certain sins. If we are to be emotionally well, we need to cast these demons out.

I read this book with great reservation. And the more I read, the angrier I became. Anderson blames all emotional problems on spiritual problems - on not being right with God. As I read, I thought of the many people with mental health issues who might have been given this book to read. There was nothing there to suggest that such illness might be caused by medical problems. If I was reading this before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I would for certain think that my symptoms were caused by demons.

Think of the damage this book may be causing people! Think of the number of people who would as a result not go to a doctor for help! Not only are these individuals suffering painful symptoms, they are also made to live thinking their unconfessed sins are making them sick or that they're possessed by demons.

I have a friend who has been deeply depressed for five years. Medications don't help and ECT's haven't helped. She often feels tormented. She tells me she feels like there is something evil inside her. She feels under attack.

With no other avenue open, and in an effort to help her, I decided to re-visit Neil Anderson's writing. "Perhaps there is something there that is true for her," I thought. "He's a Christian. Surely some of what he says might be useful." I decided to read another popular book of his: The Bondage Breaker: Overcoming Negative Thoughts, Irrational Feelings, Habitual Sins.

(to be continued)

Living room report

Living Room went well yesterday, even if there were only eight participants this time. Many were on holidays, or just feeling the summer laziness.

We focused on a poem written by one of our members.

Briefly, it's about a cracked vase that is threatening to break but looks beautiful as it tries to keep up a facade - not being real. Realness would mean pain; it would mean being broken and exposed. It would probably mean death (it thinks).

One day the vase falls and breaks. "Humbled, it is stripped of all its glamour; its realness is exposed." The Master Potter restores it, though it's a long, painful process. But in the end the vase becomes whole again, a new strength holding it together. The cracks don't disappear but there is a Light shining through the cracks. At last, the vase is real.

The discussion that followed was really neat. I think all of us could relate to that vase on some level. The Cracked Vase is a poem with amazing depth. I'm so glad this member brought it.

As we all know, so many of us with bipolar - and with unipolar depression as well - are creative. That's one of the things I value about living with this disease. I can see the talents emerging in our Living Room group and hope that more members will come forward with their poems, stories, songs and artwork. An idea I have on the backburner (w-a-y on the backburner) is to do a little book of things our members have done. One day perhaps we could produce something rich and beautiful like that.

The picture above has absolutely nothing to do with this post. But I think I will periodically (or maybe each time) post a picture with whatever I'm writing - just because I need to do something with all the pictures I have. And who doesn't like seeing pictures of little kids?

Amazing!

The wonders of the internet! I was googling my name tonight and found out that my latest article, Mental Disorders: the Result of Sin?, has been translated into German and Spanish by a bipolar website. This is very exciting.

The editors were thrilled with the response this article got. There were 21 comments (4 of them my own). Some interesting stuff to read. Hope you'll have a look.

I'm working on some more articles for www.canadianchristianity.com, and hope that these will also draw good interest. What a great way to get my message out to a Christian audience!

Tomorrow is a Living Room day and, as always, I look forward to our meeting. We're going to read and discuss one of our member's poem, The Cracked Vase. It's a wonderful piece about being real and has great depth. Don't know how many will come. So many are on holidays. We will set a smaller table - have a more intimate gathering.

What I wish my pastor knew...

...about bipolar disorder.

Yesterday someone googled the above and found my blog. I hope what you read was helpful. But I thought I would write on this to see if I can help more by letting you know roughly what I told my pastor when I first started coming to the church I'm now a happy member of.

My pastor has learned a lot because he has wanted to learn and has always listened with interest when I tried to teach him about my disorder. I'm very fortunate to have him in my life and he is a great supporter.

Soon after I started going to this church and had decided I wanted to keep going there, I went to see the pastor because I wanted to tell him about my disorder. I knew symptoms would come up that I would need support and prayer for. It was good insurance to make sure he was fully aware of what I was dealing with.

I told him how my moods are much more severe than the average person's, with my hand describing a slight wave for how the average person's moods are and then showing the roller coaster style fluctuations of moods I go through.

"These moods are caused by a physiological problem in my brain. I'm on medications for this and they help me lead a close-to-normal life. But even then, my moods can affect me, making my life very painful. The medications don't keep me well all the time and sometimes they need adjusting. My life has been very difficult (and I described some of my past). There will be times I'll need prayer. Since I became a Christian, life has been easier to deal with. I know I'm not alone when I suffer."

Because I've taken it on myself to try to reduce stigma in whatever ways I personally can, I told him about this and gave him a copy of my book, Riding the Roller Coaster.

Pastor Don then prayed with me, asking God to help him learn about bipolar disorder from me. And he has learned much about what I deal with. I often email him about things I'm going through and he has come to know me and my disorder very well. He has been very supportive. My faith-based support group, Living Room, would not be as successful as it is without his support for me. If only all pastors could have this kind of attitude!

Others in this church have also been very loving and supportive. One person in particular became a huge support for me - and mentor too. And there's another person who I call almost daily now. Gradually, many others in the congregation have come to know my story. Yet I feel accepted.

My biggest supporters have been those people who have taken the trouble to learn about bipolar disorder. They have asked me questions; they have a curiosity about how things are for me. They care enough to do all this. As a result, I've had the strength and encouragement to do much in what I care most about - raising awareness about mental illness. I've had people around me who want to learn and that is so very important. If it weren't for these people in my life, I don't know if I would have written the new book - one that still needs a publisher - A Firm Place to Stand. I know I would not have started Living Room. How important a caring church congregation is to how we survive...and thrive!

So many people in society are not willing to learn. How can we get through to them? How can we better educate people and remove the stigma that is so damaging? I would like others who struggle with mental illness to be able to find the kind of love and support I have.

Reminiscing

Tonight I've been listening to what I used to call my darkroom music - music I used to listen to while I was making my black and white prints of children. And I'm feeling somewhat sad that those times seem to be past for me. The darkroom for sure is in the past, and I don't feel too sorry about that. I now use Photoshop. But the whole child photography thing, and making enlargements of the very best, I have had no time for in a long while...and I'm not sure I'll ever have time again...at least not to do it as seriously as I used to.

I supposedly have a candid child photography business. I even have a website: www.candidsbymarja.com. But the work I've been doing in the field of mental health has taken over. It seems so much more important than taking pictures. And yet tonight, as I listen to Cat Stevens and Roger Whittaker, I feel sad. I feel that I've left something behind that was always important to me.

I was so serious about this candid photography that I wrote a book about it - at least it was about 2/3 done. I even had a big New York publisher interested. The only catch was that we had to try to package it for the professional market since those were the only photo books that were making money for them. We couldn't at the time think of a way to do it. But this publisher was seriously interested in my work.

Now I console myself by thinking that at least photography is something I could do when I get to heaven. I sometimes think about heaven and hope that there would be challenges there - good things to do. I wouldn't want to get bored. Heaven would be no fun without work to do. I'm not very good at doing nothing.

Taking care of the stigma of mental illness would not be necessary in heaven. Heaven would be the most splendid place to be creative, with no strings attached. I wouldn't have to make money at it. I wouldn't have to please judges in photo competitions. There would be time galore to play at making beautiful pictures, pictures that tell stories about who I am and who I was. And I would paint. Perhaps I could paint alongside my father, a man who made many paintings while he was alive. He could give me some lessons. I could get to know him better than I did while he lived. We had never talked much, though I loved him very much.

But I must stop this now. It WAS good to share this stuff with you though, whoever might be reading this. And I hope in the next while to share some of my photographs with you. Because photographs hidden in drawers or in computer hard drives don't do anyone any good. I hope what I show you will give you some pleasure.

The gifts of bipolar disorder

Having bipolar disorder isn't all bad, especially when you are fortunate enough to have medications that work for you. This illness has been with me since I was nineteen years old and I am now 61. I couldn't imagine being a regular person - a person without a mental disorder. Seems to me that might be quite boring.

I've come to accept the way God, the great potter, made me. I've learned to make my disorder work for me rather than against me. Today I look on my bipolar disorder as a gift, a gift with many benefits.

I'd like to share with you fifteen things I value about this life with bipolar disorder. (it's possible someone else may already have done this but I'm not sure.) I like being bipolar because:

1. I experience a wide range of emotions. While often painful, it provides a richness. I feel so very human.
2. I can be unbelievably creative
3. when I'm not depressed, I usually have lots of energy and accomplish a lot
4. I have learned a language many don't have access to: the language of suffering. This helps me understand and connect with many people. I know how to help others.
   
5. I consider King David a brother who I can relate to. His Psalms touch me deeply.
6. I love people so very much: another product of strong emotion. It's beautiful.
7. my suffering has taught me to value the good times and make the most of them
8. my experience with depression, mania, and psychosis has helped me learn to be strong
9. the pain I have suffered has been like a fire as it refines metals. It has built my character.
10. I have learned to have compassion for others because I know what it is to go through rough times
11. it has taught me humility
12. it has taught me gratitude for all that is good in my life. I don't take anything for granted.
13. it helped me turn to God, knowing I could not survive under my own willpower
14. it encouraged me to have a faith that has transformed my life
15. it makes each day an exciting adventure.

God IS good and I thank him.

Weeds

Just wanted to share a couple of pictures I shot in the Chilcotin - taken during the few times I had my camera out. I like photographing weeds almost as much as I like garden flowers, especially when they seem to tell a story. My favorite here is the spent dandelion. I can relate.

Back at last

We've been back for several days from our fishing trip, but I only had a chance to get back to blogging tonight. So much to share! Pictures, news, thoughts.

This is a picture of my husband and best friend Wes with two of the 16 trout he caught. Actually he caught a lot more but let many go. We ate six and brought ten home, enough to share with friends.

I had a glorious time looking out over the various lakes we camped at, listening to the loons, reading, and working on the manual for prospective new Living Room facilitators. These manuals are going to be such a good tool to get new groups started. I'm thankful to my friend Helen for helping me come up with the idea of putting these together.

My article, Mental Disorders: the Result of Sin? has received tremendous response. It's obvious that Christians have a need to discuss mental health issues in a Christian forum that will not be judgemental. This article is allowing this to happen. The www.canadianchristianity.com website is making such a forum possible for them. I'm thrilled and so is the editor. He has asked me to come up with a follow-up article.

I will soon take some time to catch up with all of your blogs. I will probably have a lot of reading and responding to do. But first I have to sit down and pay some bills and then to bed. Will "see" you all tomorrow.

I hope everyone is well.

An article published

I just wanted to alert you that my article, Mental Disorders: The Result of Sin? has just been published on www.canadianchristianity.com. Please have a look. The exciting thing is that there is a place for comments. Another place for dialog on the issues I'm so passionate about.

Gone fishin'

...literally - my husband, at least. In the meantime I will relax in quiet and peace on the shore. I'll be gone till next Saturday. Make sure you don't miss reading my previous post.

A soul at peace

Things have come together. I no longer feel so dizzy and stressed. And I'm sure it's all because we had a Living Room meeting this afternoon. How therapeutic that group is for me, even if I am the leader - probably because I am the leader! I get so much out of doing this work. The feeling of joy and peace I have after meetings never ceases to amaze me.

In my small sharing group today the members talked about a lot of pain. It was intense. We felt for each other; there were tears. But at the end of the meeting we prayed and gave it all to God. I went home feeling at peace. I hope the others sensed that peace as well.

That's the beauty of faith-based support. Not only do we support each other, God is there with us. God is part of the picture. We talk about our faith and we talk about our doubts, but we all accept each other - wherever we are. No one judges. At Living Room we can be real with each other and express our joys and pains. This open sharing is healing.

I am excited about having finished the manual to help other Living Rooms get started. I know it will be a powerful tool, helping other churches see the value of such a group and showing them how to set one up. Forming a Living Room group gives churches an opportunity to respond to Christ's call to love and help people in need, people who are all too often shunned in the community. Having such a group in the church is a good way to help build understanding within its congregation. It will help make mental illness a more acceptable topic of conversation, reducing the stigma that exists.

If you are reading this and feel moved to consider such a group for your church, please let me know. For a very reasonable cost (haven't figured it out yet, but it would be under $10, just covering cost for mailing) I could forward you a copy of this twelve-page manual. It will explain all you need to know. The manual includes a letter from my pastor, testifying to the importance of Living Room in our own church's ministry. If interested, you can email me at info@candidsbymarja.com.

My next job will be to write a manual on how to be a Living Room facilitator. And after that, a booklet of sample devotionals to use at meetings.

Is this a bipolar thing? Uggh!!

In my journal this morning I made a list of all the things I'm trying to do and am overwhelmed. What I'm trying to do should be the work of an organization, not a single person!

How did I get into all this? Is this mountain the product of a bipolar mind? I haven't been hypomanic lately. Yet I'm always ambitious; I always have dreams. These things don't change. They're part of my personality.

But I can now see I have built a very high tower - brick by brick, not realizing how high it might become or how I would manage it or how I could keep it from toppling.

The good thing is that if I can't do some of the things I've personally committed myself to no one will be hurt...too much. I can let things go. Yet it's hard not to take advantage of opportunities. Letting go of some of the ones that have come along lately would be a shame. So I'm feeling pressured.

I have finished the manual that will serve as a tool to help other Living Room groups get started. And I've been hearing that people in other communities are now showing interest in starting them up. I would like to be able to support these new groups - to be there for them. I will also have to work at writing another manual for facilitators and another with sample devotional material. With those projects and writing for the website I mentioned in my last post, I have a lot of writing to do.

It's time to make a list. Time to set priorities.

God, please let me stay well. There's too much good work to do.

A dizzy soul

I'll be going to Bible study in a little while and I know that one question our facilitator told us she will be asking us to answer is, "How is your soul?" I would have to answer that it's rather dizzy right now, though it is improving. I'm beginning to settle down - more able to focus on the jobs at hand.

For such a long time my main goal in life has been to reduce the stigma toward mentally ill people within the church. For so long I have been striving to educate Christians by writing articles, promoting a pastor's mental health workshop and writing a book. But now things are coming together.

www.canadianchristianity.com has asked me to contribute regularly on the topic of mental health and the church. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is a wonderful opportunity. This is exactly where I need to be. God is good.

In May this website published my testimony. Soon they will be publishing an article I wrote a couple of years ago, Mental Illness: The Result of Sin?

Other questions we will have to be prepared to answer at Bible study this morning is, "How have you seen God at work in and through your life since we last met?" and "What God-given dream are you nurturing?" My answers to these will be easy. God has been at work leading me to fulfill my dream and it's becoming a reality - bit by bit.

And that isn't all. Another great thing is happening. Someone in Abbotsford, a town 45 minutes from here, is working to start a Living Room group in her church. This could be the beginning of my dream to see Living Room groups in many churches.

It's amazing where God leads us when we let him!

Depression: a disease or a state of mind?

Mel Avila Alarilla left an interesting comment on my last post - something that prompts me to discuss this further.

Yes, depression is a state of mind, but this state of mind is caused by a disease - or a disorder.

I think there's an unfortunate misunderstanding of what mental illness is. In my opinion keeping "physical" and "mental" illnesses as separate entities is a mistake. I believe that mental illness is just as much a physical problem as heart disease, asthma, or diabetis. In mental illness the organ that's affected is the brain. Physiological malfunction of this organ affects a person's thinking, emotions, and behavior. This occurs through no fault of the person who is ill. I feel the time must come that mental illness be no longer put in a separate category. It IS just another illness.

Can faith conquer depression? Faith will help us cope, as it does with other illnesses. But once a person has a disease like bipolar, depression and mania are inevitable, no matter how much faith he has. We can cling to scripture all we want and it will often help, but the depression and negative thinking and feeling that comes with it cannot be avoided. Neither can our highs with the elated feelings be avoided. This is the nature of the disease.

Mel says how his life changed when he began following Jesus. I can enthusiastically say mine did too. It's quite amazing where God has brought me and I'm very grateful. I'm sure I wouldn't be doing as well as I am now if it weren't for Jesus in my life. The church I belong to has been very supportive. Through my friends there, I've come to understand how great God's love is. The knowledge and assurance of that love does much to keep me well, secure, and with less fear than I would otherwise have. Sharing that love with others has taken me out of the victim role and made me strong.

...Yet I still get hopelessly depressed at times. It just happens. I went through two months of it only a while ago. I struggled, I prayed, and my friends prayed with me. But it had to run its course.

I must say, though, that experiencing these moods is not all bad. The suffering is misery - yes. But going through this suffering is what helps me understand others who suffer. I know a language that those who have it easy cannot understand. This language helps me connect with many people. If I didn't go through depression once in a while I might forget. I would perhaps lose the ability to have compassion.

I'm not sorry that God made me the way he did - bipolar and all. I know he did it for a reason. He has given me work to do that I can do precisely because I have this disease. And I love this work. Facilitating Living Room, the faith-based support group for people with mood disorders, is pure joy. I like to refer to the way I feel after meetings as "holy joy." There's nothing else like it. Hard to believe, I know, but true.

Feeling better

Yesterday and today have been much better days since I last wrote. I've been keeping busy, though I didn't get around to cleaning up the HUGE mess is the workshop. In fact, since I wrote about it in my last post I haven't given it another thought. I'm not good at cleaning or tidying. Would much rather make messes and be creative. If I were to die, would our son ever have a job sorting through all our stuff! One day I will have to think about cleaning up in a serious way. But will I ever find the time?

Yesterday I wrote a little piece for BC Christian News about the mental health service our church had several weeks ago. I also included something about Living Room. Another little effort to hopefully make a wee bit of difference. If other churches were to read it, they might become motivated to try the same thing we are doing. Submitting that to the paper last night has motivated me to carry on working for "the cause".

My next project is to write an article about how Christians can give support to friends suffering from depression. You may think, "Wouldn't the kind of support Christians give be the same as support given by anyone else?" The answer is, of course, yes. But the truth is that many still believe in depression having a spiritual basis. Also, there are spiritual ways of supporting people by praying with them or by letting them know you're praying. There's also the story of Job and his friends. Too many forget that story when they're trying to help depressed friends. It's a story that has lessons for us.

My neighbor has been telling me about her depressed friend who she is trying to give support to. "I don't know what to tell her to do anymore," she said. "I don't know how to help her." But that tends to be the trouble with a lot of people who are trying to help. They think that giving advice is going to fix the depression. The truth is they just need to be there to listen - to be available - to be compassionate - to be patient - to continue loving. For most people that's a hard thing to do. Everyone wants to fix things for others, when that is an impossible thing to do. It is so easy to make a depressed person feel worse.

I'm going to have to write about what it's like to be depressed as well. Supporters need to understand, though of course this would not be fully possible if they haven't been there themselves. Yet I'd like to try to describe it. This project will be a challenge, but a worthwhile challenge.

Just for fun, I've included a little picture I did here: a street in Havana. Please don't laugh too much at the car. It's the best I could do.

What a difference...

...a couple of days can make when you're dealing with bipolar. In my last post I sounded so strong, yet over the last couple of days I've started to feel an inexplicable anxiety, bordering on depression. Inexplicable, because I don't feel fearful. Explicable perhaps, because my husband is away and I have been spending long periods of time alone.

I should be happy. I should be grateful. Actually, I AM grateful for the way things are going in my life and the way doors are opening to building awareness about mental health issues amongst church people. Yet the anxiety and slight taste of depression remain.

This being early in a new day, I will have to take myself in hand and plan some things to fight this thing off. Yesterday I found that cleaning up the dirty dishes in the kitchen, accompanied by some of my favorite music, helped me feel better. There's something about work of a physical nature that is healing. Could I get myself up to do a big project - cleaning up our workshop - a HUGE mess? I could play my music loud while I work. How good it would make me feel if I could accomplish that big job! Then I could reward myself with something fun like painting. After energizing myself with the work, I might welcome the play.

I must write a little as well. That is the most significant way to use my time today. I am happy to have been asked to write some things on mental health topics by a Christian publication and I mustn't let those jobs sit in the wings for too long.

And, of course, I should try to get together with a friend today.

I want to thank Howard Freeman of Surfcountry (author of the new book, Lullabye) whose comment on my last post was the first thing I read this morning. Today I will hold close the verse he has found helpful from 2 Timothy 1:7. In fact, I found I already had that underlined in my own Bible as well:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Faith and mental well-being

Studies have been done about the benefits of faith to our health, including our mental health. Most of them have found that religious people have a greater ability to cope than people without a faith. One of the top researchers in this field is Dr. Harold Koenig of Duke University Medical Center. An interview with him by Lisa Schneider brings to light some of his findings. Dr. Koenig has a number of books out on the subject.

The reason I bring this up now is because yesterday a friend asked me, "What does your belief in God mean to you and your ability to cope with bipolar disorder?" When I started listing for her what my faith meant to me, I found I couldn't stop. Once more - as always happens when I take the time to stop and think about it - I was overwhelmed at how far I have come since I first began believing in God nineteen years ago. My life has become rich and full of purpose. I was transformed and I continue to be transformed. It is an exciting journey.

I want to share here some of the things I'm doing that I'm quite sure I wouldn't be doing if I hadn't been studying the Bible, learning about Jesus, spending time in prayer, and belonging to a community of friends who share my beliefs. When I became a follower of Christ:

1. I learned to fear less and trust more.
2. I gained the courage to speak openly about my disorder by writing about it, realizing that it's only by talking about mental illness that we can reduce the stigma. This is what God would want for the world.
   
3. I learned that I don't have to be ashamed of having a mental illness. I am God's child.
4. I sensed God's love for me and learned to share that love with others.
5. I gained the support of wonderful friends who love me with a godly love, no matter what I go through or what I do or say.
6. I discovered a purpose that is greater than me, work that I find exciting and of significant value.
7. I discovered gifts I never knew I had. I became a leader and activist. (not bad for someone who was for so many years a shy person, afraid to speak up)
8. I learned to persevere and never give up hope.
   
9. I learned that when I help others, I become strong. I am no longer a victim.
   
10. I learned that I can, in a very special way, understand those who struggle like me. Listening to other people's problems connects us. A meaningful bond develops. There is richness in that.
11. I learned that God made us to be creative - in his image. When I have the urge to make something happen I try to obey. What an exciting life that creativity has brought me!
12. Though depression is still a hellish experience, I have come to look on it as something to use. By trying out different coping techniques and writing about them, I can make good come out of bad. I've learned that each episode helps me learn more about life. The Bible talks about trials as a "refining fire." We become better - stronger. Being reminded of what depression is once in a while helps me have compassion for others who go through it.
    
13. Though I often feel too small to carry out the work I've taken on, I now realize it's okay to be small. I better realize how big God is, and how I need to allow him to work through me. I only have to be his hands; he will do the rest.
14. I learned to appreciate the way the great potter molded me, one step at a time. And I know he's not through with me yet.
    

I am grateful for all God has given me. I like who he made me to be - bipolar and all. Life is good.

White-knuckled

Chica, in a recent post quoted Phyllis from The Young and the Restless as saying, "I'm holding on so tight that my knuckles are white." This reminded me of the way I used to feel. I wrote about it in my new yet-to-be-published book, A Firm Place to Stand, and thought I would share it here. This also happens to be a theme we will discuss at Living Room this Friday.

I dedicate this post to Chica.

I Don’t Believe in If Anymore
©marja bergen

With the greatest determination, I used to cling to what was left of my mind’s composure. I felt as though I were hanging from the edge of a high rooftop, white-knuckled, panicky with fear. How long can I hold on like this? Can I maintain my strength? What will happen if I let go? Exhaustion overwhelmed me. Far below was the hard ground and no one to catch me if I fell.

But I did fall – quite often. These experiences were devastating and difficult to recover from. The support I received from family, friends and my doctor was helpful, but I was alone in the battle.

Rudyard Kipling’s poem If was like a bible to me during many years of my illness. I described in Riding the Roller Coaster how meaningful this poem became, how I patterned my life after its good counsel, how I carried it with me for many years. It encouraged me to become a productive and responsible person. I still think highly of the poem and try to go along with most of its advice. I follow through on my dreams, don’t worry about what others say and try as much as possible to “…fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run.” But I no longer listen to the challenge Kipling leaves us with these words:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will, which says to them, “Hold on!”

For twenty-three years, I tried to live out those lines when I was in crisis. I tried with my best willpower to survive the mental turmoil that overtook me. I was determined to be strong, hanging on to whatever I could, but not finding much of substance. Those were times of anxiety and fear.

Coping with crisis finally changed for the better when I could no longer deny that God is real. I realized I didn’t have to depend on myself alone. I could relax my grip and trust in someone much stronger than me.

The faith I learned to have in a God who loves me too much to let me go helps me cope better with stress. Extreme difficulties no longer develop as often. Sometimes I still have a fear of falling, and for good reason. But today I have a Bible that tells me, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NLT) Remembering this gives me comfort when I need it. I am not as afraid anymore.

Challenging periods will always be part of my life. There will be times when I’ll have trouble. I may even fall. But I know that when I do, there will be someone there to catch me and stay with me as I recover. I’ll never be alone again.

Hanging on the wall across from my bed is a photograph of a child’s small hand resting comfortably on her father’s big hand. Underneath are the words from Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” During tough times, I look at that photograph and feel a sense of peace. No longer is there a need for white-knuckled fists, no longer a need to rely on my own inadequate strength.

Play as comfort for the soul

I thank everyone who commented on my last post. You are encouraging me to keep on with my new painting hobby.

Over the last few days I've been thinking of how comforting creative activity can be. I remember times in my life when it was very much soul food for me.

When I was seven years old I was sent away from my home in Amsterdam to stay at a place we called a "colony." This was an institution in the countryside for city children who were unhealthy. Here we stayed for six weeks while the nurses tried to fatten us up by feeding us lots of starchy foods - lots of bread. Parents were only allowed to visit half way through this six week period. I stayed in one of these places two years in a row.

It was a traumatic time for me, a shy little girl who found it hard to be away from home. I remember the nurse's harsh command to us at bedtime to lie facing the same direction, a ploy to keep us from talking. I remember the shrill yelling at me to get into the shower in the steamy institutional bathroom where we had all lined up naked. "Get in there! Now!" I was terribly frightened, since I had only taken baths in our zinc washtub at home. I was afraid of the hot water splashing all over my face.

One day I got locked into the bathroom by accident while everyone else went out for a walk. I panicked. Here I was, all alone, with no one to hear me. I cried and screamed. Finally, someone did come and let me out. This nurse was kind and compassionate. She got me settled at a table by a window with some coloring pencils and paper. Here, with the warm sunshine pouring down on me, I enjoyed a peaceful hour by myself, looked after by someone who cared about my feelings. That was one of the few enjoyable times I had in that place.

Throughout my adult life, ever since I first got sick at the age of nineteen, I have turned to creative activity to help me through depressions and to keep depression at bay. The solace of quiet playing with paints, photoshop, or embroidery thread restores me. Making something beautiful with my heart and hands is powerful medicine. It feeds my soul.

Play

I haven't been feeling my usual stable self the last three days. Each afternoon, somewhat stressful things happened. Each afternoon a fragile mood came upon me. You know, like it would be good to have a cry but you can't. Nerves on edge - feeling like a glass of beer would be a good idea to settle me down. (Though I have no addictions except coffee, I have come to appreciate why so many with bipolar disorder become addicted to drugs or alcohol.)

I now know the things that happened these past three days are not at fault. If all was well with me, they wouldn't have bothered me.

So - what to do? I have decided the best thing to do is to play. I need to have some creative fun. This afternoon I played around, making photo-cards as hand-outs for the next Living Room meeting. Tonight I'm writing this post - blogging being a very creative outlet - and sharing one of the paintings I recently did. Amateur Dancer commented on my last post, about the painting I told her I've been doing. She's the one who inspired me to get into it. Such an encourager! Thank you, Jessica.

This is a very small painting - notecard size. I can't bring myself to make anything much bigger. I used a photograph of a Havana street scene that my husband took, using bits and pieces of the scene for the composition. I think street scenes are one of my favorite subjects and I like to include people in the picture. So far, I most like to draw the scene with ink and then paint it.

Watercolor is a much more complicated medium than I realized. There are so many different techniques and so many surprises come along as you work. That part is kind of exciting. I have an awful lot to learn.

So, tonight perhaps I will sit down and try to make another little painting. Play takes my mind off uncomfortable moods. It keeps me from becoming introspective. It focuses my mind on something positive and colorful.