In 2007 I had a piece published at canadianchristianity.com with the title "Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder." This also happens to be the subtitle of my book A Firm Place to Stand.
Since then 19 people have commented on that article, some of them quite upset with me, especially with my opening line, "Mental illness is not all bad." I have often wished I could rewrite that article, leaving out that line. Because, as people commented, it IS bad. It's like saying cancer isn't all bad. I guess what I was trying to say was that good can come out of trials.
But I agree with those who commented, bipolar disorder is a horrid disease. I believe I myself said in a recent post how I hate this disorder. Last year was a very bad year for me.
This morning I wrote a comment on my own article, saying how I would like to eat my words. I was so wrong to talk the way I did.
I've been invited to write a follow-up article and think I will do that soon. A good project to keep me occupied while I'm without a voice.
I would love your feedback on the article and any thoughts you might have on the topic.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
I can't talk
Hi everyone. Over the past week I've had a doozy of a cold. And now, starting yesterday, I completely lost my voice. All I can do is whisper. What a strange feeling to try and say something to my husband and have almost nothing come out. When I want to tell him anything in the least involved, I email him. Weird, eh? I hope I get over this soon because this is really slowing me down.
While I've been sickly I've worked on making Spanish bookmarks for a mission team from our church to take with them. My goal is to make 500 with 15 or so different designs. A lot of work, but I know they're well appreciated, so it feels good to make them.
But what I really want to get going on is working to help more Living Room groups get going. I want to explain Living Room to church representatives, getting them enthused about the ministry. I have some ideas, but first I need a voice so that I can discuss them with my team. How frustrating when you really want to move ahead but things get in the way! Ah well! I need to have patience, don't I?
...And yet, I always feel a sense of urgency when there are things that I see need to be done. I've been reading Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus, previously published as Seizing Your Divine Moment. McManus writes about the importance of passion. On the back cover the book is described as
That sounds like the recipe for a life of adventure, doesn't it? And that's what Living Room has given me - a life of adventure. I thank God for the journey. I thank Him for the privilege.
While I've been sickly I've worked on making Spanish bookmarks for a mission team from our church to take with them. My goal is to make 500 with 15 or so different designs. A lot of work, but I know they're well appreciated, so it feels good to make them.
But what I really want to get going on is working to help more Living Room groups get going. I want to explain Living Room to church representatives, getting them enthused about the ministry. I have some ideas, but first I need a voice so that I can discuss them with my team. How frustrating when you really want to move ahead but things get in the way! Ah well! I need to have patience, don't I?
...And yet, I always feel a sense of urgency when there are things that I see need to be done. I've been reading Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus, previously published as Seizing Your Divine Moment. McManus writes about the importance of passion. On the back cover the book is described as
"a call to live a life of blazing urgency. We have but one life. We are given one opportunity to pursue our dreams and fulfill our divine purpose. Every moment counts, and we must engage them with fierceness and zeal. Put an end to passive observation, paralyzed by the need for perfect opportunity, and start seizing the raw, untapped potential of your life with God."
That sounds like the recipe for a life of adventure, doesn't it? And that's what Living Room has given me - a life of adventure. I thank God for the journey. I thank Him for the privilege.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The best anti-stigma tactic
On February 9th the Vancouver Sun published an article on the difficulties of removing the stigma of mental illness. Amongst other things, he wrote about the World Psychiatric Associations anti-stigma pilot program conducted in 1996. The program tried out various approaches but found that although people became better informed about the biological basis of mental disorders, their attitude did not change significantly.
Some of the things McKnight does report about the program's findings are very encouraging to me and make me realize that perhaps I'm on the right track with my personal efforts to reduce stigma amongst Christians.
McKnight writes:
This points out to me how important it is for Christians who have - or have had - mental illness to be open about it and educate their church families. Those who are doing well in life would especially be doing a great service if they would tell about the struggles they've had with mental illness.
But, given the stigma that exists, this takes courage. There is always the danger of alienating your Christian friends, especially those who harbour a deeply ingrained stigma or belief about mental illness. It takes a person who is passionate about making the world a better place for those who suffer with mental disorders. It takes compassionate people who want to see these people benefit from a loving and accepting Christian attitude. It takes someone who cares enough to make it possible for suffering people to be encouraged - not discouraged - in their faith.
Are you one of these people? Are you a respected member of your church community who has in the past lived with mental illness? Do you want to take part in making the world a better place?
Tell your story to your church family. Once you've made the topic an ok one, you'd be surprised how many people will come out of the woodwork.
Some of the things McKnight does report about the program's findings are very encouraging to me and make me realize that perhaps I'm on the right track with my personal efforts to reduce stigma amongst Christians.
McKnight writes:
"...the pilot program found that by far the most effective way to change attitudes was to engage people in an emotional experience, and the best way to do that was to establish contact between people with mental illness and other members of the public."
"...it's important for members of the public not simply to have contact with psychiatric patients, but to see and hear from successful members of the community who have battled mental illness. ...most members of the public only see mentally ill people when something negative happens, and this is something anti-stigma campaigns must counter.
"Beyond that, the research suggests that campaigns are most effective when they're relatively small, manageable and sustainable, and when they're targeted to a specific audience. Different groups of people differ in their attitudes, after all, hence the best programs are ones designed to address specific attitudes."
This points out to me how important it is for Christians who have - or have had - mental illness to be open about it and educate their church families. Those who are doing well in life would especially be doing a great service if they would tell about the struggles they've had with mental illness.
But, given the stigma that exists, this takes courage. There is always the danger of alienating your Christian friends, especially those who harbour a deeply ingrained stigma or belief about mental illness. It takes a person who is passionate about making the world a better place for those who suffer with mental disorders. It takes compassionate people who want to see these people benefit from a loving and accepting Christian attitude. It takes someone who cares enough to make it possible for suffering people to be encouraged - not discouraged - in their faith.
Are you one of these people? Are you a respected member of your church community who has in the past lived with mental illness? Do you want to take part in making the world a better place?
Tell your story to your church family. Once you've made the topic an ok one, you'd be surprised how many people will come out of the woodwork.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Collaborating with God
I've always wanted to live in God's presence - aware of Him, moment by moment. Yet it's a hard thing to do. The world is so with us, isn't it?
The devotional I've been reading every morning has some neat thoughts on it: Living in God's presence is like collaborating with Him. Our work becomes infused with His presence. "It is not longer laborious but delightful: more like play than work." Hmm, sounds like my cooking now-a-days. Last night I even enjoyed cleaning up my kitchen because I played some neat worship music while I did it. Yes, that was living in God's presence. The work became like play. And all of my kitchen work has become part of the cookbook project - the creative pathway God has planted in me.
Over the next few weeks I'll be collaborating with a psychotherapist, constructing a recovery narrative. This is part of a University of British Columbia study to discover the impact of personal narratives. We had one session already. And that - because it's collaborative - is turning out to be like play as well.
The writing process involves me telling my story to the therapist and her getting it down in note form and on tape. Then she transcribes it and sends the results to me in bare bone form. I then edit the results, writing in my own voice.
Now, I've done lots of writing on my own. It's hard work trying to formulate thoughts and getting them down. But the rewriting and editing I did yesterday on what I had done with the therapist was fun - more like play - not work at all. Collaborating with someone made it easy.
It's that way when we make God part of our day to day life, isn't it? It's that way when we follow His leading - the pathway He shows us. It becomes easy. In Matthew 11:30, Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
My devotional has Jesus saying, "Whatever you do, do it for Me - with Me, through Me, in Me. Even menial tasks [like dishes] glow with the Joy of My Presence when you do them for Me."
How true!
The devotional I've been reading every morning has some neat thoughts on it: Living in God's presence is like collaborating with Him. Our work becomes infused with His presence. "It is not longer laborious but delightful: more like play than work." Hmm, sounds like my cooking now-a-days. Last night I even enjoyed cleaning up my kitchen because I played some neat worship music while I did it. Yes, that was living in God's presence. The work became like play. And all of my kitchen work has become part of the cookbook project - the creative pathway God has planted in me.
Over the next few weeks I'll be collaborating with a psychotherapist, constructing a recovery narrative. This is part of a University of British Columbia study to discover the impact of personal narratives. We had one session already. And that - because it's collaborative - is turning out to be like play as well.
The writing process involves me telling my story to the therapist and her getting it down in note form and on tape. Then she transcribes it and sends the results to me in bare bone form. I then edit the results, writing in my own voice.
Now, I've done lots of writing on my own. It's hard work trying to formulate thoughts and getting them down. But the rewriting and editing I did yesterday on what I had done with the therapist was fun - more like play - not work at all. Collaborating with someone made it easy.
It's that way when we make God part of our day to day life, isn't it? It's that way when we follow His leading - the pathway He shows us. It becomes easy. In Matthew 11:30, Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
My devotional has Jesus saying, "Whatever you do, do it for Me - with Me, through Me, in Me. Even menial tasks [like dishes] glow with the Joy of My Presence when you do them for Me."
How true!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Hope in the Lord
My devotional guide's verse this morning was Hebrews 10:23.
The guide asks me to think about a time when I felt God had let me down. And I think of the hard times I went through last year. I really never through that time felt let down by God. I felt let down by my disorder - by the meds that are supposed to be keeping me well. But no, I never blamed God or felt He should have prevented it all from happening.
Today my husband and I are just very grateful that I've stabilized and am able to live normally again. I can see that God planted a creative pathway within me to live a healthier life, a life not focused to such a huge degree on one thing - Living Room. Not that Living Room isn't important to me. It is. But now I'm spending more time cooking and looking after my husband, something that had been lacking for awhile.
My cookbook project may seem like a trivial thing, but the good it's doing me and my husband is huge. I look forward to cooking and enjoy looking for recipes and making my grocery lists. What was a chore has become a hobby again. It has helped lift me out of depression and given me something fun to give my energy to. I fully believe that God planted the idea for that cookbook within me. It's the creative pathway He showed me to a healthier balance. And - most of all - this makes my husband very happy. He feels like he's got his wife back.
God is faithful.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
The guide asks me to think about a time when I felt God had let me down. And I think of the hard times I went through last year. I really never through that time felt let down by God. I felt let down by my disorder - by the meds that are supposed to be keeping me well. But no, I never blamed God or felt He should have prevented it all from happening.
Today my husband and I are just very grateful that I've stabilized and am able to live normally again. I can see that God planted a creative pathway within me to live a healthier life, a life not focused to such a huge degree on one thing - Living Room. Not that Living Room isn't important to me. It is. But now I'm spending more time cooking and looking after my husband, something that had been lacking for awhile.
My cookbook project may seem like a trivial thing, but the good it's doing me and my husband is huge. I look forward to cooking and enjoy looking for recipes and making my grocery lists. What was a chore has become a hobby again. It has helped lift me out of depression and given me something fun to give my energy to. I fully believe that God planted the idea for that cookbook within me. It's the creative pathway He showed me to a healthier balance. And - most of all - this makes my husband very happy. He feels like he's got his wife back.
God is faithful.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
While I'm strong...
I last wrote two weeks ago, telling you that I was doing well. And lo and behold, I'm still doing well!! I hope this will be the trend for awhile. In any case, I'm trying to do all the right things to stay healthy: getting plenty of rest, eating well, exercizing, and staying active with purpose for every day. I'm also following a daily devotional guide that leads me through an overview of the Bible and gives me Bible verses to meditate on. I'm trying to lean on God and not live on my own strength.
Only thing I have to make sure of now is that I take a Sabbath day on a regular basis. And that's tough. I'm not sure what a Sabbath day looks like for me. It certainly doesn't mean just sitting around being holy. What can I do and what shouldn't I do on such a day? I believe that Mark Buchanan, in his book The Rest of God, mentioned that it's mostly doing things that you don't "have to do." (Not absolutely sure if he's the one who said that or whether I heard it somewhere else.)
I was pleased to be asked to give a speech somewhere. And, as usual, I had to do a lot of soul searching. Should I agree to do this? How will I know whether or not I'll be well enough when I do the presentation in April? I never know where I'm going to be mood-wise, so it's very tough to make commitments. Yet I so much want to do this kind of thing. There is so much I'd like to share. It's another way I can follow through on my desire to educate Christians about mental illness and to reduce stigma.
But I did accept the invitation, thinking that I could start writing the speech now. If it were all written out, I could always read it, even if I were depressed. It must seem kind of strange to you to be starting to prepare a speech it January when I don't have to give it till April, but that's the way I can ensure that I can be relied upon.
Today, while I'm strong, I'll picture myself standing in front of that group of people, telling my story, teaching, encouraging them to support people who, like me, have a mental illness.
It's wonderful to feel strong and in control. I thank God for seeing me through a very rough year. He's taught me a thing or two through the trials I experienced. And I pray that I will be a better Living Room facilitator as a result.
And today...while I'm strong...I will write. Yes!!!
Only thing I have to make sure of now is that I take a Sabbath day on a regular basis. And that's tough. I'm not sure what a Sabbath day looks like for me. It certainly doesn't mean just sitting around being holy. What can I do and what shouldn't I do on such a day? I believe that Mark Buchanan, in his book The Rest of God, mentioned that it's mostly doing things that you don't "have to do." (Not absolutely sure if he's the one who said that or whether I heard it somewhere else.)
I was pleased to be asked to give a speech somewhere. And, as usual, I had to do a lot of soul searching. Should I agree to do this? How will I know whether or not I'll be well enough when I do the presentation in April? I never know where I'm going to be mood-wise, so it's very tough to make commitments. Yet I so much want to do this kind of thing. There is so much I'd like to share. It's another way I can follow through on my desire to educate Christians about mental illness and to reduce stigma.
But I did accept the invitation, thinking that I could start writing the speech now. If it were all written out, I could always read it, even if I were depressed. It must seem kind of strange to you to be starting to prepare a speech it January when I don't have to give it till April, but that's the way I can ensure that I can be relied upon.
Today, while I'm strong, I'll picture myself standing in front of that group of people, telling my story, teaching, encouraging them to support people who, like me, have a mental illness.
It's wonderful to feel strong and in control. I thank God for seeing me through a very rough year. He's taught me a thing or two through the trials I experienced. And I pray that I will be a better Living Room facilitator as a result.
And today...while I'm strong...I will write. Yes!!!
Thursday, January 06, 2011
My dream
This morning my devotional planner quotes Philippians 4:13: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." It talks about being a risk-taker for God's kingdom and asks the question: "What is your spiritual dream?"
That question started me thinking afresh of how my dream has been to significantly reduce the stigma toward mental illness in the church. How I would like to make things better for those who struggle with mental illness! How important it is for them to receive good support from their church families! To be encouraged in their faith, and not discouraged.
This is what I've been giving my life to over the past few years. This is the work I believe God has called me to. And what a huge work it is! And how privileged I feel to have been given a good start on it with Living Room!!
This past year has not been a good one for me health-wise. But I feel emotionally strong right now. How I pray that these better moods will continue so that I can continue the work I started! But as the verse above says, "I can do everything through him." I will trust God to the best of my ability. I will lean on Him for my strength. And I will always try to remember that it's God at work, not me. I'm only His footsoldier, carrying out what He leads me to do.
I so appreciate having a team behind me now. People to share with. People to help guide me. It has been so very important to me to know I'm being prayed for and still believed in - though so many times I stopped believing in my own ability to carry on. Today I feel strong. Please pray that this feeling of strength - this trust in God - will continue for me. God has taken me so far and I know He can carry me further still. Those are my feelings this morning.
That question started me thinking afresh of how my dream has been to significantly reduce the stigma toward mental illness in the church. How I would like to make things better for those who struggle with mental illness! How important it is for them to receive good support from their church families! To be encouraged in their faith, and not discouraged.
This is what I've been giving my life to over the past few years. This is the work I believe God has called me to. And what a huge work it is! And how privileged I feel to have been given a good start on it with Living Room!!
This past year has not been a good one for me health-wise. But I feel emotionally strong right now. How I pray that these better moods will continue so that I can continue the work I started! But as the verse above says, "I can do everything through him." I will trust God to the best of my ability. I will lean on Him for my strength. And I will always try to remember that it's God at work, not me. I'm only His footsoldier, carrying out what He leads me to do.
I so appreciate having a team behind me now. People to share with. People to help guide me. It has been so very important to me to know I'm being prayed for and still believed in - though so many times I stopped believing in my own ability to carry on. Today I feel strong. Please pray that this feeling of strength - this trust in God - will continue for me. God has taken me so far and I know He can carry me further still. Those are my feelings this morning.
Monday, January 03, 2011
God's passionate love for us
I shared the following with my Living Room group this morning, but want to copy it here, knowing it will benefit many of you as well.
I feel compelled to share some more with you - the journey I'm on - the things I'm reading that touch me. Because I'm thinking some of you might be touched as well and it would be wonderful if it would do something for you as well.
I'm reading Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus the second time around.
McManus talks about how awful it feels when we love someone but our love is not returned. "...if God's love is immeasurable and unending, as the Hebrews describe him, how deep and profound must be his sense of sorrow and rejection. If anyone knows the pain of a love unreturned, it must be God."
He goes on to say "This is the story of God: he pursues you with his love and pursues you with his love, and you have perhaps not said yes. And even if you reject his love, he pursues you ever still. It was not enough to send and angel or a prophet or any other, for in issues of love, you must go yourself. And so God has come.
"This is the story of Jesus, that God has walked among us and he pursues us with his love. He is very familiar with rejection but is undeterred. And he is here even now, still pursuing you with his love."
Mc Manus speaks to all of us - people like you and me who have such a deep longing for love:
"...God is going up and down the streets of the city, traveling the most obscure paths and untamed wilderness, walking on unnamed roads in the most desolate of places, searching for the one he loves - and that one is you and me and every human being who has ever walked this earth, has taken a breath, and has longed for love."
And how we need to love God, eh? This passionate God who loves us unconditionally, no matter who we are or what we might have done or not done. This Jesus who loved us so much that He gave His life for us. How it must hurt Him when we don't return His love!
My prayer for you this morning is that you'll feel God's love touching your hearts today.
I feel compelled to share some more with you - the journey I'm on - the things I'm reading that touch me. Because I'm thinking some of you might be touched as well and it would be wonderful if it would do something for you as well.
I'm reading Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus the second time around.
McManus talks about how awful it feels when we love someone but our love is not returned. "...if God's love is immeasurable and unending, as the Hebrews describe him, how deep and profound must be his sense of sorrow and rejection. If anyone knows the pain of a love unreturned, it must be God."
He goes on to say "This is the story of God: he pursues you with his love and pursues you with his love, and you have perhaps not said yes. And even if you reject his love, he pursues you ever still. It was not enough to send and angel or a prophet or any other, for in issues of love, you must go yourself. And so God has come.
"This is the story of Jesus, that God has walked among us and he pursues us with his love. He is very familiar with rejection but is undeterred. And he is here even now, still pursuing you with his love."
Mc Manus speaks to all of us - people like you and me who have such a deep longing for love:
"...God is going up and down the streets of the city, traveling the most obscure paths and untamed wilderness, walking on unnamed roads in the most desolate of places, searching for the one he loves - and that one is you and me and every human being who has ever walked this earth, has taken a breath, and has longed for love."
And how we need to love God, eh? This passionate God who loves us unconditionally, no matter who we are or what we might have done or not done. This Jesus who loved us so much that He gave His life for us. How it must hurt Him when we don't return His love!
My prayer for you this morning is that you'll feel God's love touching your hearts today.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Making a hobby out of a chore
Such a neat thing when something that was a chore becomes a hobby!
Through most of my marriage cooking was a hobby for me. I enjoyed trying out a wide variety of recipes, eager to see the results. My thinking was that if I had to cook every day I might as well make a hobby out of it. I might as well make it fun.
Now this truly spoilt my husband because, over the past few years it has become something I had to do - a chore. My time and energy went into other things. My husband felt I was failing him. He was so accustomed to having interesting meals - something different almost every day of the month.
Now that I've decided to gather all our favourite recipes from those years into a cookbook, I've become almost obsessed about cooking...well - pretty high on it, anyway. What fun it is to go through my boxes of cookbooks and uncover all those recipes for things I used to cook! I always made it a habit to put remarks with the recipes I tried, because if I didn't I'd never remember what was good, or excellent, or not worth making again. That's making it easy going back now.
The fun thing about cooking good meals is that you want to be able to share them with people. Now I'm starting to dream up dinner parties with various people.
Next week Wednesday my son is coming over for his birthday celebration. I'll be making his all-time favourite, Six O'Clock Twist. Rotini with a very cheesy sauce including bacon. He's been raving about it to his gourmet-cook wife. I remember him telling his Grade Two teacher about it over thirty years ago and bringing her the recipe. Hmmm...I wonder if he'll still like it as much as he did then, now that he's grown accustomed to his wife's great cooking. We'll see.
Through most of my marriage cooking was a hobby for me. I enjoyed trying out a wide variety of recipes, eager to see the results. My thinking was that if I had to cook every day I might as well make a hobby out of it. I might as well make it fun.
Now this truly spoilt my husband because, over the past few years it has become something I had to do - a chore. My time and energy went into other things. My husband felt I was failing him. He was so accustomed to having interesting meals - something different almost every day of the month.
Now that I've decided to gather all our favourite recipes from those years into a cookbook, I've become almost obsessed about cooking...well - pretty high on it, anyway. What fun it is to go through my boxes of cookbooks and uncover all those recipes for things I used to cook! I always made it a habit to put remarks with the recipes I tried, because if I didn't I'd never remember what was good, or excellent, or not worth making again. That's making it easy going back now.
The fun thing about cooking good meals is that you want to be able to share them with people. Now I'm starting to dream up dinner parties with various people.
Next week Wednesday my son is coming over for his birthday celebration. I'll be making his all-time favourite, Six O'Clock Twist. Rotini with a very cheesy sauce including bacon. He's been raving about it to his gourmet-cook wife. I remember him telling his Grade Two teacher about it over thirty years ago and bringing her the recipe. Hmmm...I wonder if he'll still like it as much as he did then, now that he's grown accustomed to his wife's great cooking. We'll see.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My splintery platform
Several weeks ago I turned over leadership of my Living Room group at Brentwood Park Alliance Church to my co-facilitator, Mark. I thought my emotional health was too unstable and wanted a strong facilitator for the group. My on-again off-again depression was proving to be too much. Thought I should have a break and return when I was stronger. (I attended the last meeting, but left everything to Mark to run.)
I've had a good rest, turning my energy to cooking and to spending more time with my husband. Now I'm wondering whether I'm ready to return to full leadership. I hesitate because I still have down times. I'm still not stable. But - I wonder - will I ever be completely stable? I expect not. Does that mean I should not lead a Living Room group? I don't think that's the case.
I think facilitators who deal with mood disorders are always in danger of falling into depression or rising to mania or hypomania. When these problems get bad it's so good to have a co-facilitator to take over for awhile. But I'm learning that I'll never be perfect and I should take back the leadership when I've started doing better - when I've had a chance to have a good break.
A friend gave me Dear Jesus, a devotional book written by Sarah Young. Those devotionals are proving to be the perfect thing for me to start my early morning quiet times with.
This morning's devotional helped me in my struggle to decide whether or not I should return to leadership. The author - and I along with her - asks Jesus:
and Jesus answers:
Yes, I need to look away from myself and my imperfections and look at Jesus. I need to forget about the feelings of unworthiness that have been plaguing me and think about Jesus and what He can do...and all He has done. I need to say to myself, "Forget yourself, Marja. It's not about you at all."
I'm preparing my heart for our next meeting on January 14th. Looking forward to sharing Jesus with others who suffer from mood disorders. Looking forward to sharing how He can work in us and through us, in spite of our imperfections. As Jesus said,
I've had a good rest, turning my energy to cooking and to spending more time with my husband. Now I'm wondering whether I'm ready to return to full leadership. I hesitate because I still have down times. I'm still not stable. But - I wonder - will I ever be completely stable? I expect not. Does that mean I should not lead a Living Room group? I don't think that's the case.
I think facilitators who deal with mood disorders are always in danger of falling into depression or rising to mania or hypomania. When these problems get bad it's so good to have a co-facilitator to take over for awhile. But I'm learning that I'll never be perfect and I should take back the leadership when I've started doing better - when I've had a chance to have a good break.
A friend gave me Dear Jesus, a devotional book written by Sarah Young. Those devotionals are proving to be the perfect thing for me to start my early morning quiet times with.
This morning's devotional helped me in my struggle to decide whether or not I should return to leadership. The author - and I along with her - asks Jesus:
Dear Jesus,
"I want to be available for the display of Your Power and Glory. But I feel more like a splintery, unfinished platform than a polished ready-to-use stage. I may not even be safe enough for Your performance, since some of my boards aren't nailed down properly."
and Jesus answers:
"Beloved, no matter how polished you might become, you could never be good enough for the display of My radiant holiness. However, I have chosen you to reflect My Glory, despite your imperfections. Moreover, your weakness is the ideal stage for the exhibition of My Power. Your part in this drama is to look away from yourself and gaze at Me in My awesome splendor. Forget about your unworthiness and delight yourself in My glorious Being. Watch while I perform great things for you."
Yes, I need to look away from myself and my imperfections and look at Jesus. I need to forget about the feelings of unworthiness that have been plaguing me and think about Jesus and what He can do...and all He has done. I need to say to myself, "Forget yourself, Marja. It's not about you at all."
I'm preparing my heart for our next meeting on January 14th. Looking forward to sharing Jesus with others who suffer from mood disorders. Looking forward to sharing how He can work in us and through us, in spite of our imperfections. As Jesus said,
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Friday, December 24, 2010
Blessed Christmas time
What a blessing my strategy to fight depression by planning a cookbook project! Although I've struggled with on and off lows, I've been motivated to cook and bake - to gather all our favourite recipes from the over forty years we've been married.
Taking up a new creative project has been my coping technique for dealing with depression almost since I first started having bipolar disorder. It helps me keep my head above water. It gives me a purpose for the day - something more colourful than the chores - more colourful than the things I have to do.
This is my third day in an up mood. So good to feel this way! Today I'm baking Stollen, an involved recipe, but I've reserved most of the day for this job.
My husband gave me a wonderful early Christmas present, Brian Doerksen's new CD, Level Ground. I believe his songs have in large part been responsible for bringing me up, for encouraging me. How the words speak to me! They are perfect for people who deal with mood disorders. On his website, Brian says,
I'm feeling so well that I'm tempted to invite my Living Room group for an open house. Someone has to eat all those cookies! But a friend and my husband are warning me against it. My road has been far too rocky lately. How can I be sure I will be well enough to handle the stress?
Darn!
Nevertheless, I will enjoy what I do have planned. My son and his wife and my mother are coming to have a turkey dinner with us. And we're planning on having a couple - old friends - over for New Year's Eve.
We will have a good Christmas. And I hope you will too.
Taking up a new creative project has been my coping technique for dealing with depression almost since I first started having bipolar disorder. It helps me keep my head above water. It gives me a purpose for the day - something more colourful than the chores - more colourful than the things I have to do.
This is my third day in an up mood. So good to feel this way! Today I'm baking Stollen, an involved recipe, but I've reserved most of the day for this job.
My husband gave me a wonderful early Christmas present, Brian Doerksen's new CD, Level Ground. I believe his songs have in large part been responsible for bringing me up, for encouraging me. How the words speak to me! They are perfect for people who deal with mood disorders. On his website, Brian says,
"Worship is not always about bringing God our best and brightest. Sometimes it's about bringing God our pain and grief. Sometimes it's coming just the way we are! God wants to give us more than permission to feel - he wants to step into the middle of our feelings and be present with us; even in our suffering . . . even in the middle of our emotions. So let the tears flow . . . let the laments be sung . . . and don't even think about apologizing!"
I'm feeling so well that I'm tempted to invite my Living Room group for an open house. Someone has to eat all those cookies! But a friend and my husband are warning me against it. My road has been far too rocky lately. How can I be sure I will be well enough to handle the stress?
Darn!
Nevertheless, I will enjoy what I do have planned. My son and his wife and my mother are coming to have a turkey dinner with us. And we're planning on having a couple - old friends - over for New Year's Eve.
We will have a good Christmas. And I hope you will too.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
My prayer
I read a prayer written by Max Lucado in his gift book called Shaped by God. How that impacted me! How I want to make that my prayer! How I would like to be drawn from the fire - well again, firm and solid so that I can be God's instrument! But you know what? I think it's starting to happen.
Lucado writes:
Lucado writes:
Ah, to be your instrument, O God,
like Paul to the Gentiles,
like Philip to the eunuch,
like Jesus to the world,
...to be your instrument.
To be like a scalpel in the gentle hands of a surgeon,
healing and mending.
To be like a plow in the weathered hands of a farmer,
sowing and tending.
To be like a scythe in the sweeping hands of a reaper,
gathering and using.
To be...an instrument for noble purposes.
To be honed and tuned,
in sync with your will,
sensitive to your touch.
This, my God, is my prayer.
Draw me from your fire,
form me on your anvil,
shape me with your hands,
and let me be your tool.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Jane's letter to God
Jane from startingitover sent me a comment to my last post that I think would be better published here as a separate post. I thank you very much, Jane, because I found great encouragement in it.
Jane wrote, "When I was in the hospital, I wrote a "letter to God" when I felt in the state you are in (I had posted it on my blog)... and it's a letter of pain, but one that pleads of hope. I'd like to share it with you."
"Letter to God"
I am going to believe that you haven't created depression and you haven't left me. I am going to believe that even though all I see is darkness all around me, that you are beside me and you are light. I am going to believe that you love me and care for me and I am not alone because you are with me, even though I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am going to believe that you keep your promises to us to have a life full of hope and purpose instead a life full of damnation and suffering. But just because I believe all these things, it doesn't mean that I feel them.
I feel the opposite of what you promise. It makes it difficult to want to be alive. I feel worthless and confused. I feel hopeless and insecure. I feel sad and scared. I want to run and hide. This darkness... perhaps it's a gift to hide the terrible emotions that are attached to my very soul. All the sleep... perhaps it's a gift to ignore the voices I hear when my mind is tired. All the withdrawal from others, perhaps it's a gift to others that I am not spreading my negativity and a gift to myself from creating a bad impression.
There is no conclusion. I am going to believe that you wrote a good end to this story and that in time, i will be exposed to the ending that you have in mind, not the ending that i have in mind when i'm in this destructive state. I guess for that, healing needs to take place. I know you heal. But i don't understand your timing or ideas behind healing. I guess one day I'll find out.
Love, Jane
Jane wrote, "When I was in the hospital, I wrote a "letter to God" when I felt in the state you are in (I had posted it on my blog)... and it's a letter of pain, but one that pleads of hope. I'd like to share it with you."
"Letter to God"
I am going to believe that you haven't created depression and you haven't left me. I am going to believe that even though all I see is darkness all around me, that you are beside me and you are light. I am going to believe that you love me and care for me and I am not alone because you are with me, even though I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am going to believe that you keep your promises to us to have a life full of hope and purpose instead a life full of damnation and suffering. But just because I believe all these things, it doesn't mean that I feel them.
I feel the opposite of what you promise. It makes it difficult to want to be alive. I feel worthless and confused. I feel hopeless and insecure. I feel sad and scared. I want to run and hide. This darkness... perhaps it's a gift to hide the terrible emotions that are attached to my very soul. All the sleep... perhaps it's a gift to ignore the voices I hear when my mind is tired. All the withdrawal from others, perhaps it's a gift to others that I am not spreading my negativity and a gift to myself from creating a bad impression.
There is no conclusion. I am going to believe that you wrote a good end to this story and that in time, i will be exposed to the ending that you have in mind, not the ending that i have in mind when i'm in this destructive state. I guess for that, healing needs to take place. I know you heal. But i don't understand your timing or ideas behind healing. I guess one day I'll find out.
Love, Jane
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Isolation
I can see why most people isolate when they're depressed. People don't know how to respond to you when you're untalkative and glum. And it's so difficult to pretend to be cheerful when you don't feel it inside. It's so hard to be sociable. And you feel so unlovable, though you need love so badly. So...what do you do?
You hide and suffer in silence.
I've tried reaching out, but it doesn't feel good. I feel I'm a bother and am putting a damper on everything for everybody.
David sure understood. What a comfort to read psalms like this and realize I'm not alone with such thoughts.
"But," he says "I trust in your unfailing love"
At least, you understand, God. You have compassion. "Thy compassion it fails not." I pray that I'll find sufficiency in the knowledge of your love.
You hide and suffer in silence.
I've tried reaching out, but it doesn't feel good. I feel I'm a bother and am putting a damper on everything for everybody.
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death (Psalm 13:1-3)
David sure understood. What a comfort to read psalms like this and realize I'm not alone with such thoughts.
"But," he says "I trust in your unfailing love"
At least, you understand, God. You have compassion. "Thy compassion it fails not." I pray that I'll find sufficiency in the knowledge of your love.
Not for myself alone
Several weeks ago, when I was in huge depths, feeling very bad about myself - feeling ashamed for how needy I had become - I read something that encouraged me. In a Yancey book I was reading he said something like "We don't just live for ourselves alone." And this reminded me that I shouldn't think so much about myself - about how I feel and about how I'm behaving so pitifully. I can reach out to others with what I'm learning through all this. Perhaps not at this moment, but sometime in the near future.
This morning I read something I had underlined in my Bible:
That's how I would like to be. How I hate what this disorder does to me when I think so much about myself! It's not how I want to live. I want to be other-centered. And I pray this morning once more that God will help me be that for others. To live for others, and not just for myself.
This morning I'm not feeling great. Plans I had made to make peppernuts with a little girl would, I think, be too ambitious a project for me. I don't know if I'd have that kind of energy. I don't know if I'd be a cheerful companion for her.
I will focus instead on helping my husband with a project of his - bottling some wine. I can be myself with him and he would appreciate my help and my company. If I'm going to be there for others, I need to start with my husband. If I only have a little bit of energy to put out, I need to spend that energy on him. To live for him, the partner God gave me. That man who has given me such great support for 41 years.
This morning I read something I had underlined in my Bible:
This is how we know what love is: Jesus laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (1 John 3:16)
That's how I would like to be. How I hate what this disorder does to me when I think so much about myself! It's not how I want to live. I want to be other-centered. And I pray this morning once more that God will help me be that for others. To live for others, and not just for myself.
This morning I'm not feeling great. Plans I had made to make peppernuts with a little girl would, I think, be too ambitious a project for me. I don't know if I'd have that kind of energy. I don't know if I'd be a cheerful companion for her.
I will focus instead on helping my husband with a project of his - bottling some wine. I can be myself with him and he would appreciate my help and my company. If I'm going to be there for others, I need to start with my husband. If I only have a little bit of energy to put out, I need to spend that energy on him. To live for him, the partner God gave me. That man who has given me such great support for 41 years.
Monday, December 13, 2010
With thanksgiving
I continue to struggle some days, and other days feel like I've turned the corner, only to find I haven't. But this morning I feel good. And for that I'm thankful.
Yesterday, as I was dealing with anxiety issues and searching for God, so wanting to feel Him close, I stumbled on an old Living Room devotional about practising God's presence through giving thanks. I quoted Mark Buchanan from his book, The Rest of God:
I've been thanking God this morning for my ability - in spite of the way I've been feeling - to find satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment in cooking and baking. And my current interest in cooking is encouraging me to invite close friends over to share meals with us. Nothing fancy. Just a basic meal is what they'll be getting. But I WILL use recipes that are special for us. Favourite dishes that will go into my cookbook.
This morning I think of my dear husband who is so enjoying my cooking and showing his delight. How fortunate I am to have him. He's so patient with me as my moods keep shifting. So comforting when I'm feeling low. The way to his heart is definitely through his stomach. You should have heard him chatter eagerly as he ate his supper last night. A neat thing from a man who doesn't generally talk a lot. Such a good thing that I'm able to cook right now! Thank you, God, that in spite of my low moods I'm able to do this.
I've been reading Philippians 4:6-8. How true Paul's words are! How I need to take them to heart! "...in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present [my] requests to God." and think about all good things: "whatever is true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."
Praise God! This morning I'm thinking good things.
Yesterday, as I was dealing with anxiety issues and searching for God, so wanting to feel Him close, I stumbled on an old Living Room devotional about practising God's presence through giving thanks. I quoted Mark Buchanan from his book, The Rest of God:
"The best way I know to embody...Godward orientation is thankfulness. Thankfulness is a secret passageway into a room you can't find any other way. It allows us to discover the rest of God-those dimensions of God's world, God's presence, God's character that are hidden, always from the thankless."
I've been thanking God this morning for my ability - in spite of the way I've been feeling - to find satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment in cooking and baking. And my current interest in cooking is encouraging me to invite close friends over to share meals with us. Nothing fancy. Just a basic meal is what they'll be getting. But I WILL use recipes that are special for us. Favourite dishes that will go into my cookbook.
This morning I think of my dear husband who is so enjoying my cooking and showing his delight. How fortunate I am to have him. He's so patient with me as my moods keep shifting. So comforting when I'm feeling low. The way to his heart is definitely through his stomach. You should have heard him chatter eagerly as he ate his supper last night. A neat thing from a man who doesn't generally talk a lot. Such a good thing that I'm able to cook right now! Thank you, God, that in spite of my low moods I'm able to do this.
I've been reading Philippians 4:6-8. How true Paul's words are! How I need to take them to heart! "...in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present [my] requests to God." and think about all good things: "whatever is true...noble...right...pure...lovely...admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."
Praise God! This morning I'm thinking good things.
Friday, December 10, 2010
You hem me in
Such a comfort it was this morning to read Psalm 139. Isn't it neat how reading scripture will affect you in different ways each time you read? Depending on where you are emotionally?
I'm thankful this morning that I feel like tidying the house. I really feel like doing things. Not with a lot of energy or a lot of joy, but I want to have things in hand so I can continue on with the project that is giving me a sense of purpose right now - the cookbook project. That's what I'm hanging onto right now.
...and it's high time I prepared our house for Christmas. I need to do some decorating - get in the spirit.
I love Psalm 139 - where David says:
Yeah, off and on lately, I've been making my bed in the depths. But this Psalm promises that He is there with me. I can rest in that assurance.
It's a Living Room day today. I've turned over the leadership to my co-facilitator until I'm feeling stronger. Right now I feel I need to be supported and don't feel as strong about giving support. So glad I have someone in place to take over that role.
I will focus on doing the things I feel I can best do. Putter around the house. Try to make Christmas happen as well as I can. One day at a time. Just very thankful that I feel up to things today. Very thankful to know that God is with me - through all my ups and downs.
I'm thankful this morning that I feel like tidying the house. I really feel like doing things. Not with a lot of energy or a lot of joy, but I want to have things in hand so I can continue on with the project that is giving me a sense of purpose right now - the cookbook project. That's what I'm hanging onto right now.
...and it's high time I prepared our house for Christmas. I need to do some decorating - get in the spirit.
I love Psalm 139 - where David says:
Where can I go from you Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
Yeah, off and on lately, I've been making my bed in the depths. But this Psalm promises that He is there with me. I can rest in that assurance.
It's a Living Room day today. I've turned over the leadership to my co-facilitator until I'm feeling stronger. Right now I feel I need to be supported and don't feel as strong about giving support. So glad I have someone in place to take over that role.
I will focus on doing the things I feel I can best do. Putter around the house. Try to make Christmas happen as well as I can. One day at a time. Just very thankful that I feel up to things today. Very thankful to know that God is with me - through all my ups and downs.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
My response to God
I had a good day yesterday, a blessedly good day. The day before had been an awful one - one of the worst. Yes, I seem to be going up and down again. Better than having every day a bad one though, eh?
Yesterday I went for a workout and baked two batches of Christmas cookies. I felt so encouraged. And I prayed hard that this upswing would continue. I begged God to help my good mood stick around.
But this morning - as I'm not feeling quite as positive - as I'm feeling a worn-ness, I wonder if begging God for wellness was really the right attitude to take. Shouldn't I just have faith that He WILL help me overcome? Rather than this begging, shouldn't I just trust?
In his book The Land Between, Jeff Manion wrote how "Our response to God while in the Land Between [the trials we go through] is what will determine whether our journey through this desert will result in deep, positive growth or spiritual decline." As the Israelites, wandering in the desert, needed to trust God to provide, I too need to trust God...daily.
God is with me, whether I'm up or down. I need to find encouragement in that knowledge. I need to realize that, even if I don't "feel" his love, it IS there. And I need to rest in that knowledge and wait patiently for Him to lift me out of the mire and mud of my low times.
Ah, but it's the nature of the disease to forget all about that, isn't it? It's the nature of the disease to feel like things are hopeless. What a tragedy!
And yet...today I will trust. I will have faith. God is good and He will provide what I need for today.
Yesterday I went for a workout and baked two batches of Christmas cookies. I felt so encouraged. And I prayed hard that this upswing would continue. I begged God to help my good mood stick around.
But this morning - as I'm not feeling quite as positive - as I'm feeling a worn-ness, I wonder if begging God for wellness was really the right attitude to take. Shouldn't I just have faith that He WILL help me overcome? Rather than this begging, shouldn't I just trust?
In his book The Land Between, Jeff Manion wrote how "Our response to God while in the Land Between [the trials we go through] is what will determine whether our journey through this desert will result in deep, positive growth or spiritual decline." As the Israelites, wandering in the desert, needed to trust God to provide, I too need to trust God...daily.
God is with me, whether I'm up or down. I need to find encouragement in that knowledge. I need to realize that, even if I don't "feel" his love, it IS there. And I need to rest in that knowledge and wait patiently for Him to lift me out of the mire and mud of my low times.
Ah, but it's the nature of the disease to forget all about that, isn't it? It's the nature of the disease to feel like things are hopeless. What a tragedy!
And yet...today I will trust. I will have faith. God is good and He will provide what I need for today.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
When a glimmer comes
As I'm riding on waves of depression, I'm reminded of how important it is to take advantage of the occasional glimmer of light that comes along - those times when I become interested in doing something that might offer a way out.
I felt good about myself a couple of days ago when I managed to bake my husband's favourite cake for his birthday. Then I came across an old recipe for a favourite meal I used to make years ago. I cooked it up for his birthday dinner and had my son and his wife come and share it with us. I felt good about myself. Quite a switch from the way I had been feeling.
Stumbling on that old recipe reminded me of a project I started years ago, putting together a collection of our favourite recipes. And, I thought, maybe changing gears will get me out of this funk. Maybe I should pick up that old project again and publish a little cookbook. My 65th birthday is coming up next year. What better way to celebrate than to gather together all my favourite recipes from a lifetime of cooking?
I remember many years ago how I often picked up a fresh new project whenever I felt depression coming on. Quite often that was exactly what I needed to get me interested in life again. And two Christmases ago, during a particularly bad time I put together a calendar using my flower photography. That helped make my mood a little less black. Yes, I believe creative projects can do much to help a person through those bad times.
So tonight, after spending half the evening in bed, feeling quite miserable, I got up and started looking through old recipes. I picked out some that needed to go into the book for sure. And I picked out others that I'll have to test again to make sure I want to include them.
What is particularly good about this project is that it will help me get interested in cooking again. And I know for sure that will make my husband very happy.
Yes, when that glimmer of interest in something comes, we need to take advantage of it. Grab hold of it and do it. Just do.
I felt good about myself a couple of days ago when I managed to bake my husband's favourite cake for his birthday. Then I came across an old recipe for a favourite meal I used to make years ago. I cooked it up for his birthday dinner and had my son and his wife come and share it with us. I felt good about myself. Quite a switch from the way I had been feeling.
Stumbling on that old recipe reminded me of a project I started years ago, putting together a collection of our favourite recipes. And, I thought, maybe changing gears will get me out of this funk. Maybe I should pick up that old project again and publish a little cookbook. My 65th birthday is coming up next year. What better way to celebrate than to gather together all my favourite recipes from a lifetime of cooking?
I remember many years ago how I often picked up a fresh new project whenever I felt depression coming on. Quite often that was exactly what I needed to get me interested in life again. And two Christmases ago, during a particularly bad time I put together a calendar using my flower photography. That helped make my mood a little less black. Yes, I believe creative projects can do much to help a person through those bad times.
So tonight, after spending half the evening in bed, feeling quite miserable, I got up and started looking through old recipes. I picked out some that needed to go into the book for sure. And I picked out others that I'll have to test again to make sure I want to include them.
What is particularly good about this project is that it will help me get interested in cooking again. And I know for sure that will make my husband very happy.
Yes, when that glimmer of interest in something comes, we need to take advantage of it. Grab hold of it and do it. Just do.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Unforced rhythms of grace
My pastor pointed out Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28-30 to me yesterday, verses that have given me great encouragement in the past. The NIV version reads:
How often I've felt burdened and stressed and needed that kind of rest! So encouraging that Jesus promised us a yoke that is easy to bear. These words help me so much to want to follow Jesus - to do as He did; to live as He did - as much as I can. These words are comforting and give me a feeling of peace. They promise that I can follow Jesus without stress. Not like I have been doing lately - the kind of stress that burned me out and caused such depression.
Eugene Peterson's version in the Message has an even greater impact on me:
Yes. I've been tired and worn out. Burned out. I want to recover my life, to get my passion and energy back. And all I have to do is to walk with Jesus and live the way He did. Actually, not such an easy thing to do. But there's a promise here that a better way to live can be learned. Jesus promises not to lay anything on me that is too heavy or ill-fitting. How comforting to know that!
God has equipped me to do a work for Him that only people like me, those who have lived with mood disorders can do well. And that's to comfort others who suffer as I do. That kind of work is not heavy for me. It fits me well. But I need to walk close to God. I need to keep company with Jesus.
Unfortunately, my bipolar disorder causes me to have moods that make all this hard to do. During episodes I start feeling and thinking in ways that I truly cannot help. I'm so thankful though to have friends who will help remind me of the way God wants me to live. Friends who will help kick me out of depression by reminding me that I'm loved. Friends who will help me regain proper perspective. This kind of support is priceless.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
How often I've felt burdened and stressed and needed that kind of rest! So encouraging that Jesus promised us a yoke that is easy to bear. These words help me so much to want to follow Jesus - to do as He did; to live as He did - as much as I can. These words are comforting and give me a feeling of peace. They promise that I can follow Jesus without stress. Not like I have been doing lately - the kind of stress that burned me out and caused such depression.
Eugene Peterson's version in the Message has an even greater impact on me:
28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Yes. I've been tired and worn out. Burned out. I want to recover my life, to get my passion and energy back. And all I have to do is to walk with Jesus and live the way He did. Actually, not such an easy thing to do. But there's a promise here that a better way to live can be learned. Jesus promises not to lay anything on me that is too heavy or ill-fitting. How comforting to know that!
God has equipped me to do a work for Him that only people like me, those who have lived with mood disorders can do well. And that's to comfort others who suffer as I do. That kind of work is not heavy for me. It fits me well. But I need to walk close to God. I need to keep company with Jesus.
Unfortunately, my bipolar disorder causes me to have moods that make all this hard to do. During episodes I start feeling and thinking in ways that I truly cannot help. I'm so thankful though to have friends who will help remind me of the way God wants me to live. Friends who will help kick me out of depression by reminding me that I'm loved. Friends who will help me regain proper perspective. This kind of support is priceless.
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