I've been struggling. Struggling with a mild but painful depression that has been bothering me off and on for the past while. I know it's mainly the result of life stresses - my mom sick and then going into a nursing home and then emptying her apartment and looking for a doctor who'll look after her (seemingly an impossibility right now). That sentence kind of ran on, didn't it? Befitting the way I feel about this endless list of problems and things to be done.
Yet I am grateful too. Mom is in a good home within fifteen minutes of where I live. What a difference from her being 45 minutes away as she was. I'll now be able to visit her often, and without the stressful drive.
In this struggle of depression I've also struggled with a need for support, a feeling bad about burdening my friends with my sadness. I need my friends at times like this, yet something someone said in a comment on my last post particularly made me feel that perhaps I should not be bothering them. And the question I repeatedly find myself asking is: "Shouldn't God be enough for me?" What helped was something forwarded by a friend a few days ago, pointing out that the verse at the very centre of the Bible is Psalm 118:8: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust man." Reading that helps me to lean a little more on God and a little less on my friends.
We who suffer from depression long for compassion. Within depression there is a yearning for God to fill us up with His love - to find refuge in His love. Yet often that love can be expressed through a caring friend. How we need that support from caring friends! To know they care. To know they are remembering us in their prayers.
When I think of friends of mine who have gone through depression, I want to be there for them. It would hurt me to know they're going through a hard time not letting me know. And when I do spend time listening to them, I feel the presence of God in a special way. And when I pray with someone who is deeply depressed, I feel God very close and my prayer is one I'm not praying on my own. It's through the Holy Spirit that I ask God to show this friend His love - to help this person truly feel His love.
So maybe it's not so bad to go to friends after all? To ask for prayer? To lean a bit?
My pastor Don Dyck and I talked about this. He thinks we sense God's presence more when we're there for people in depression because God is always present with the oppressed. "And when we are with them in Jesus' name and with his love and compassion we also become the presence of God to them. It follows then that as we do that we would experience the presence of God in a deeper more significant way."
Don concludes that it would be good if church were a safe place for people to come and give expression to their oppression, a place where they would be welcomed with open arms. Church should be a place where we are open to God's presence and what He wants to do among us and through us - where we simply respond in obedience to people's needs. "That's what it means to be a community of the Spirit...a community of faith...a community of God's people."
Living Room is a place like that. And I think that's what gives me the wonderful feeling I have after meetings. We talk about our troubles, yet we share in love and with compassion, in God's presence. When I go home I experience what I have come to refer to as "holy joy." It's the kind of peace and joy that can only come from God.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Unconditional acceptance
I'm reading a wonderful book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, by Gabor Mate, a doctor who works in the slums of Vancouver on the Downtown Eastside. If you want to learn more about what it is to live with addiction and how to have compassion for those who do, this is a great book to read. Mate speaks honestly and humbly about his own struggles accepting and his own struggles with addictions of different sorts. In his words, "...at the core of all addictions there lies a spiritual void." (That's probably why twelve step programs are so effective.)
Because of my work with people at Living Room, what he has to say about unconditional acceptance really resonated with me. I believe unconditional acceptance is what really makes this faith-based support group work. This kind of non-judgmental approach is all too often lacking in today's churches. Thus the stigma.
Mate says, "Unconditional acceptance of each other is one of the greatest challenges we humans face." Lack of it is one of the greatest challenges we with mental disorders have to deal with.
As a leader and facilitator who often counsels people in trouble I liked what he had to say about reaching people. "...They must first sense our commitment to accepting them for who they are. That is the essence of harm reduction, but it's also the essence of any healing or nurturing relationship. In his book On Becoming a Person, the great American psychologist Carl Rogers described a warm, caring attitude, which he called 'unconditional positive regard' because 'it has no conditions of worth attached to it.' This is a caring, wrote Rogers, '[that] demands no personal gratification. It is an atmosphere [that] simply demonstrates I care; not I care for you if you behave thus and so.'"
Accepting and loving people for who they are, no matter where they are emotionally or spiritually, is at the core of Living Room. Living Room is a place where people can feel safe to be open about what they are dealing with. That's what makes it so effective.
Because of my work with people at Living Room, what he has to say about unconditional acceptance really resonated with me. I believe unconditional acceptance is what really makes this faith-based support group work. This kind of non-judgmental approach is all too often lacking in today's churches. Thus the stigma.
Mate says, "Unconditional acceptance of each other is one of the greatest challenges we humans face." Lack of it is one of the greatest challenges we with mental disorders have to deal with.
As a leader and facilitator who often counsels people in trouble I liked what he had to say about reaching people. "...They must first sense our commitment to accepting them for who they are. That is the essence of harm reduction, but it's also the essence of any healing or nurturing relationship. In his book On Becoming a Person, the great American psychologist Carl Rogers described a warm, caring attitude, which he called 'unconditional positive regard' because 'it has no conditions of worth attached to it.' This is a caring, wrote Rogers, '[that] demands no personal gratification. It is an atmosphere [that] simply demonstrates I care; not I care for you if you behave thus and so.'"
Accepting and loving people for who they are, no matter where they are emotionally or spiritually, is at the core of Living Room. Living Room is a place where people can feel safe to be open about what they are dealing with. That's what makes it so effective.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
The email that unstuck me
I don't know if all this is going to sound silly to you, but my final escape from my last depression came so clearly and so dramatically after I sent an email to over forty Living Room members last Sunday morning. Such power there was in that!
I want to share this email with you. But you must read it as though you are a Living Room member, perhaps suffering from some depression yourself.
I want to share this email with you. But you must read it as though you are a Living Room member, perhaps suffering from some depression yourself.
Dear Living Room friends,
At our last meeting, after I asked for a show of hands, half - or maybe more - of you indicated you were feeling low, including me. And today I just feel that I want to share with you. I want to share with you some of the things I've been thinking about. Depression is something that seems to cling to you, isn't it? And it's so hard to get unstuck. Yet unstuck we want to be and unstuck we must try to be.
I've been praying for a way to get unstuck and today I pray for you to get unstuck as well.
This morning what occurred to me is that the greatest and purest source of joy is love - the love we can be assured God has for us and the love our friends and family share with us. It's also the love we at Living Room share with each other when we meet, a love that I know comes from God. It's a love we're able to feel because at Living Room we know we're accepted and loved no matter what - free to speak honestly what's in our hearts. Such a beauty there is in that!
And if we could only cling to the knowledge of that love and find freedom in it, eh? Freedom from oppressive depression. I'm praying that you will feel that love and the joy it brings. Because God loves you more than anything you can imagine. You realize that, don't you? And I know that if we ask God to fill us with that love and to help us share that love with others, joy will come again.
So, this Sunday morning let us pray together, for each other, pray that we will get stuck in this joy. That our hearts will find freedom.
And you know, in sharing this with you in love, I'm finding joy. And I thank you for being there, my friends. People who understand. People who share freely with me and with each other.
I look forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks on November 14th.
Love,
marja
As I said in the letter, I found joy in the writing of this email - in the sharing in prayer with the others. I hope those who read it found as much healing as I did in the writing. And I pray that maybe you, my blogging pals, will also find healing here.
Ah! The power of prayer, eh? The power of love.
As I said in the letter, I found joy in the writing of this email - in the sharing in prayer with the others. I hope those who read it found as much healing as I did in the writing. And I pray that maybe you, my blogging pals, will also find healing here.
Ah! The power of prayer, eh? The power of love.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Unstuck
As some of you know, I've been rather depressed for the past few weeks. I'm happy to say, though, that last Sunday I came unstuck from this down period - free - motivated once more. I did something that clearly got me there, but I'm not sure I should tell you about that yet. Don't know if you'd believe that the little email I sent to a bunch of people could lift me up so dramatically.
I recently read something about indicators of depression that can be there, even though you might not feel sad or down. Did you know that not opening mail, not paying bills, not shopping for groceries can be a sign of depression? And how very long that has been a problem for me! I've probably been depressed for a lot longer than I realized.
When I'm well and on top of things, I plan menus for several days at a time, make a grocery list, and go shopping. Instead I've lately not thought about what to make for dinner until dinner time is upon us and I find nothing in the house to make. I've been relying a lot on ready-made Costco items: quesadillas, chicken pot pies, pasta with ready-made sauce. Not like me at all. When I shop it's for only a few items at a time. I was unable to plan ahead.
I believe that one of the many things that brought on my depression was having my life spin virtually out of my control: Mom sick and in need of a nursing home; trying to promote a book; Living Room and the establishment Living Rooms elsewhere. Sometimes I feel like I should have an office. Living Room is beginning to be an organization. I also concern myself a fair amount with the needs of individuals. It's all part of being a Living Room facilitator - a shepherd of sorts. And I do very much love that work. That work has not suffered. It has been hard to keep the household going, though.
Though I'm now feeling motivated and no longer depressed, life is still out of control. But today I realized that what I really need to do is to start making some lists. I've been far too relaxed about that. When I think of all the things I need to do that I'm not getting down to: UGHH!!! I've even been forgetting that I need to have all the stuff moved out of Mom's apartment within the next couple of weeks. UGGH! And there is writing I've promised to do and been forgetting about. Bunches of emails flagged that I need to tend to and am forgetting about. UGHH! Then there's my blogging. I feel very bad that I haven't visited my bloggin pals for such a long time and that I'm not posting more. (I've been emailing friends instead.)
Thankfully, Mom is now in a good nursing home, but she still needs some care from me to make sure she settles in well. I think that's another thing that has helped me get undepressed. I feel at peace, knowing she's now only fifteen minutes away - nice and close. I can make frequent visits yet not have it take up a lot of time.
However, if I'm not careful and get things under control, I'll be headed for another depression. I need to take control. I need to make lists - a list of everything that needs doing and lists of things to do each day. I shouldn't go to bed without knowing what I'll try to do the next day. These are coping techniques I've always advocated and look at me now - I've totally dropped my good habits - relaxing too too much. Tonight I will make a good long list of every item that needs doing. I will prioritize and make plans when to accomplish the most important work.
Wonderful thing is, now that I've escaped the depression I feel motivated, more able to make those lists, more able to take control of my life. Thank God!!
Tomorrow or the day after, I'll tell you about the email I sent to all my Living Room friends, an email that gave me joy and gave me that final lift out of depression. And a very dramatic lift out it was! Stay tuned.
I recently read something about indicators of depression that can be there, even though you might not feel sad or down. Did you know that not opening mail, not paying bills, not shopping for groceries can be a sign of depression? And how very long that has been a problem for me! I've probably been depressed for a lot longer than I realized.
When I'm well and on top of things, I plan menus for several days at a time, make a grocery list, and go shopping. Instead I've lately not thought about what to make for dinner until dinner time is upon us and I find nothing in the house to make. I've been relying a lot on ready-made Costco items: quesadillas, chicken pot pies, pasta with ready-made sauce. Not like me at all. When I shop it's for only a few items at a time. I was unable to plan ahead.
I believe that one of the many things that brought on my depression was having my life spin virtually out of my control: Mom sick and in need of a nursing home; trying to promote a book; Living Room and the establishment Living Rooms elsewhere. Sometimes I feel like I should have an office. Living Room is beginning to be an organization. I also concern myself a fair amount with the needs of individuals. It's all part of being a Living Room facilitator - a shepherd of sorts. And I do very much love that work. That work has not suffered. It has been hard to keep the household going, though.
Though I'm now feeling motivated and no longer depressed, life is still out of control. But today I realized that what I really need to do is to start making some lists. I've been far too relaxed about that. When I think of all the things I need to do that I'm not getting down to: UGHH!!! I've even been forgetting that I need to have all the stuff moved out of Mom's apartment within the next couple of weeks. UGGH! And there is writing I've promised to do and been forgetting about. Bunches of emails flagged that I need to tend to and am forgetting about. UGHH! Then there's my blogging. I feel very bad that I haven't visited my bloggin pals for such a long time and that I'm not posting more. (I've been emailing friends instead.)
Thankfully, Mom is now in a good nursing home, but she still needs some care from me to make sure she settles in well. I think that's another thing that has helped me get undepressed. I feel at peace, knowing she's now only fifteen minutes away - nice and close. I can make frequent visits yet not have it take up a lot of time.
However, if I'm not careful and get things under control, I'll be headed for another depression. I need to take control. I need to make lists - a list of everything that needs doing and lists of things to do each day. I shouldn't go to bed without knowing what I'll try to do the next day. These are coping techniques I've always advocated and look at me now - I've totally dropped my good habits - relaxing too too much. Tonight I will make a good long list of every item that needs doing. I will prioritize and make plans when to accomplish the most important work.
Wonderful thing is, now that I've escaped the depression I feel motivated, more able to make those lists, more able to take control of my life. Thank God!!
Tomorrow or the day after, I'll tell you about the email I sent to all my Living Room friends, an email that gave me joy and gave me that final lift out of depression. And a very dramatic lift out it was! Stay tuned.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Please pray
I feel heavily burdened today for a friend, a Living Room member, who is in hospital. Her psychiatrist certified her and she is not allowed her clothes. On top of that, he and her therapist have turned her over to a new psychiatrist, withdrawing from her case.
This friend has bipolar disorder and has been depressed almost constantly for a very long time now. She has made multiple suicide attempts. Living on her own, she hasn't had much support - no one to help her with her day-to-day living.
She called me from hospital last night, very distraught, feeling abandonned. I can imagine how she must feel like she has been given up on and thrown away. It pains me to think of what it must be like to be her right now.
And I wonder if there isn't more that I can do, rather than giving her one-on-one support. I want to gather people around her to pray for her, to help her realize that someone still cares about what happens to her. Perhaps a Living Room meeting at the hospital - surrounding her?
So, if you pray, could you please pray for Marja's friend?
This friend has bipolar disorder and has been depressed almost constantly for a very long time now. She has made multiple suicide attempts. Living on her own, she hasn't had much support - no one to help her with her day-to-day living.
She called me from hospital last night, very distraught, feeling abandonned. I can imagine how she must feel like she has been given up on and thrown away. It pains me to think of what it must be like to be her right now.
And I wonder if there isn't more that I can do, rather than giving her one-on-one support. I want to gather people around her to pray for her, to help her realize that someone still cares about what happens to her. Perhaps a Living Room meeting at the hospital - surrounding her?
So, if you pray, could you please pray for Marja's friend?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Roller coaster ride
King David wrote "When I felt secure, I said, 'I will never be shaken' ...O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed." (Psalm 30:6-7)
He must have been bipolar, don't you think? He knew exactly what it feels like to be doing really well and think your bipolar illness is totally under control, depression never to bother you again - and then to have it hit again. So unthinkable when things are good to believe it can happen again. But bipolar disease does not go away and we are bound to be affected again and again, no matter how good our medications and how balanced a lifestyle we lead. No matter how good our coping skills are.
My life has been like a roller coaster ride over the past few weeks. Not standing in a firm place at all. But it's not terrible either. I surface and do well in between the days of depression. Yet it doesn't take much to trigger the tears.
Nevertheless, I do sense God with me, even in the tears. And yesterday evening, wonder of wonders, after a bad day I was able to do a presentation, speaking very eagerly about Living Room to representatives from several churches. I wanted so much to have them learn about what they can do to support people with mood disorders. Nothing was going to hold me back. No one would have guessed I was in the middle of a depression.
Today has been a good day. Visited Mom (what a delight) and got a tiny start at packing up her things in the apartment. Tomorrow and Thursday I will be attending the 13th Annual Cross-Cultural Mental Health Symposium on Spirituality and Well Being at Simon Fraser University. I'm very excited about this. It should be a healthy way to get me out of the ruminating I've been doing.
Some of the topics:
"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
He must have been bipolar, don't you think? He knew exactly what it feels like to be doing really well and think your bipolar illness is totally under control, depression never to bother you again - and then to have it hit again. So unthinkable when things are good to believe it can happen again. But bipolar disease does not go away and we are bound to be affected again and again, no matter how good our medications and how balanced a lifestyle we lead. No matter how good our coping skills are.
My life has been like a roller coaster ride over the past few weeks. Not standing in a firm place at all. But it's not terrible either. I surface and do well in between the days of depression. Yet it doesn't take much to trigger the tears.
Nevertheless, I do sense God with me, even in the tears. And yesterday evening, wonder of wonders, after a bad day I was able to do a presentation, speaking very eagerly about Living Room to representatives from several churches. I wanted so much to have them learn about what they can do to support people with mood disorders. Nothing was going to hold me back. No one would have guessed I was in the middle of a depression.
Today has been a good day. Visited Mom (what a delight) and got a tiny start at packing up her things in the apartment. Tomorrow and Thursday I will be attending the 13th Annual Cross-Cultural Mental Health Symposium on Spirituality and Well Being at Simon Fraser University. I'm very excited about this. It should be a healthy way to get me out of the ruminating I've been doing.
Some of the topics:
- The Vital Importance of Spirituality in Medicine
- A Spirituality and End of Life Panel Discussion
- Mindfulness, Meditation and Healing: Experiential Workshop
- The God-Shaped Void: Spirituality and Addictions
- Twelve Step Programs: Spiritual Awakening and the Path of Recovery
- ...and lots more.
"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Thank God!
I'm feeling much better this morning. Living Room always does that for me. It's healing.
Yesterday we talked about being in the company of Jesus and what that means. Is being in company with Jesus enough? Or do we need people around us to show us Jesus' love in order to truly feel it? I'm not sure I got across what I really wanted to. Don't know how the session went down with people.
When I asked for hands to see where people were moodwise, about half put up their hands for feeling down. I just hope that our discussion helped somehow. I hope it didn't hinder.
One thing I tried to bring out was that what we need is not just the receiving of love. Just as much we need to give love - to share God's love with others. In that giving we receive as well. We are blessed when we give. Did I get that across? I hope so.
When we live with love and compassion in our hearts, God is in that. We are then walking with God. We are in the company of Jesus. I do believe Jesus was with us yesterday, sitting at the table with us, in company with us, helping us with our discussion.
There are so many ways to cope with depression. But although showing our love to each other must be one of the greatest, I seldom see that in lists of coping skills. Why not?
In the sharing time we had the opportunity to share God's love with each other - to listen to each other with compassion - to show we cared. This is what filled me with the peace I went home with. It's this that helped me wake up feeling better today. I feel blessed. I feel God was with us.
I hope the others went home feeling similarly blessed.
Yesterday we talked about being in the company of Jesus and what that means. Is being in company with Jesus enough? Or do we need people around us to show us Jesus' love in order to truly feel it? I'm not sure I got across what I really wanted to. Don't know how the session went down with people.
When I asked for hands to see where people were moodwise, about half put up their hands for feeling down. I just hope that our discussion helped somehow. I hope it didn't hinder.
One thing I tried to bring out was that what we need is not just the receiving of love. Just as much we need to give love - to share God's love with others. In that giving we receive as well. We are blessed when we give. Did I get that across? I hope so.
When we live with love and compassion in our hearts, God is in that. We are then walking with God. We are in the company of Jesus. I do believe Jesus was with us yesterday, sitting at the table with us, in company with us, helping us with our discussion.
There are so many ways to cope with depression. But although showing our love to each other must be one of the greatest, I seldom see that in lists of coping skills. Why not?
In the sharing time we had the opportunity to share God's love with each other - to listen to each other with compassion - to show we cared. This is what filled me with the peace I went home with. It's this that helped me wake up feeling better today. I feel blessed. I feel God was with us.
I hope the others went home feeling similarly blessed.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
In the company of Jesus
I've been waking up sad every morning lately. Spending time with God in sadness. And I wish it were enough for me to simply sit and be in the company of Jesus for comfort. But I so often want to reach out to friends when I feel like this. God, who I know loves me and who I know should be enough, isn't enough at times like this. I want to talk to people. And so I now reach out to my blogging pals.
Having Mom in limbo like this, waiting for a nursing home, not knowing if a good one will come along, is hard. Time in hospital moves slowly for her and I know I need to visit her often to keep her spirits up. Can't phone her and I miss doing that. Visiting her means a 45-minute drive each way.
Living Room is coming up in two days and I've so wanted to talk on the topic of being in the company of Jesus. I want to talk about how He is real and with us and we can talk to Him, our Friend. And I do feel Him with me, but I wish that were enough.
Yet you know, I think sharing this with you is a good thing. I do feel Jesus close and feel Him closer in the sharing of Him with others. You, my blogging pals and Him, together with me. My support from above and below. I need both. In the reaching out to you here, I am reaching out to Him. That's how love works, isn't it? That's how God works.
It has given me comfort sharing this with you today, though I've sat with tears in my eyes, something that doesn't happen to me very often. Maybe a good thing. Good to be real. Good to feel. Good to be human.
Please help me pray that a good home will come available to my mom soon. Please pray that I will stay strong.
I do feel I'm in the company of Jesus, even in my sadness. And that gives me comfort.
Having Mom in limbo like this, waiting for a nursing home, not knowing if a good one will come along, is hard. Time in hospital moves slowly for her and I know I need to visit her often to keep her spirits up. Can't phone her and I miss doing that. Visiting her means a 45-minute drive each way.
Living Room is coming up in two days and I've so wanted to talk on the topic of being in the company of Jesus. I want to talk about how He is real and with us and we can talk to Him, our Friend. And I do feel Him with me, but I wish that were enough.
Yet you know, I think sharing this with you is a good thing. I do feel Jesus close and feel Him closer in the sharing of Him with others. You, my blogging pals and Him, together with me. My support from above and below. I need both. In the reaching out to you here, I am reaching out to Him. That's how love works, isn't it? That's how God works.
It has given me comfort sharing this with you today, though I've sat with tears in my eyes, something that doesn't happen to me very often. Maybe a good thing. Good to be real. Good to feel. Good to be human.
Please help me pray that a good home will come available to my mom soon. Please pray that I will stay strong.
I do feel I'm in the company of Jesus, even in my sadness. And that gives me comfort.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Coulda' cried
Yesterday my husband and I were sent to look at a home that had offered my mother a bed. When we saw it I could have cried to think of my mother in a place like that. I could not imagine her there. It was awful - worse than living in a mental hospital in the sixties was for me.
The policy is that, because she is in an acute care facility where beds are needed for others, we need to take the first available bed. However, if we have good reasons to refuse a bed that comes along we have a right to do so. Yesterday we had good reason.
Susan commented on my last post about how emotionally and physically draining the process of moving your mother into a care facility can be. I'm already starting to feel that. And although I'm getting emotional support from my sisters and friends, I'm mostly alone in handling all this.
These days I'm trying to commit to as little as possible, though it's hard. When you leave too much time free, you only tend to stew about things. At times like this it's good to stay busy with things to take your mind off worrying.
I'm glad I've got Living Room and its people to focus on. This group is a comfort to me, especially the preparation of devotional material for the upcoming meeting this Friday. So often what I am personally going through and what I learn from it provides fodder and inspiration for things to share. How am I seeing God in all this? What is He revealing to me? How can we all find God when we face troubles? How can our faith help us cope?
If you pray, could you please remember my mom, Helena, and ask God for a good home for her, a place where she will be happy?
The policy is that, because she is in an acute care facility where beds are needed for others, we need to take the first available bed. However, if we have good reasons to refuse a bed that comes along we have a right to do so. Yesterday we had good reason.
Susan commented on my last post about how emotionally and physically draining the process of moving your mother into a care facility can be. I'm already starting to feel that. And although I'm getting emotional support from my sisters and friends, I'm mostly alone in handling all this.
These days I'm trying to commit to as little as possible, though it's hard. When you leave too much time free, you only tend to stew about things. At times like this it's good to stay busy with things to take your mind off worrying.
I'm glad I've got Living Room and its people to focus on. This group is a comfort to me, especially the preparation of devotional material for the upcoming meeting this Friday. So often what I am personally going through and what I learn from it provides fodder and inspiration for things to share. How am I seeing God in all this? What is He revealing to me? How can we all find God when we face troubles? How can our faith help us cope?
If you pray, could you please remember my mom, Helena, and ask God for a good home for her, a place where she will be happy?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
A day to putter
I'm looking forward to this day. Nothing big planned - a day to get little bits of work done - get little bits of reading in.
I've had such a hard time lately doing the things I need to do to tidy up my house. Today I will try to get at it. I have no big commitments; I have freedom to spend this day in the way I wish. Such a wonderful thing!
Yesterday I ordered some books off Amazon, some books I really thirst to read. I still have some books lying around here that I want to read too. Such a treasure to have so many authors, led by God, to share their thoughts and help us, the readers, grow and learn.
So today I will do some much needed work and alternate the work with reading - reward my work with periods of reading. Good plan, don't you think?
My mom is doing well and ready to move into a nursing home. Amazingly some beds are freeing up here in my own community. If all goes well and she is accepted at one of these places she will be much closer to me and I'll be able to visit often. What a blessing that will be!
But I'll need to be prepared to drop everything when a bed is found. Will have to move some of her things in quickly and make the room homey with lots of her favourite things. Then move her in and get her settled. Then I will have the month of November to empty her apartment. What a job that will be! What to do with all her furnishings and all the stuff she's collected over the years? There will be nothing straight forward about that. And what will make the job even more difficult is that her apartment is a 45 minute drive away from me. I will have to be well organized.
But today I will enjoy the peace and pleasure of doing things for myself.
"This is the day the Lord has made..."
I've had such a hard time lately doing the things I need to do to tidy up my house. Today I will try to get at it. I have no big commitments; I have freedom to spend this day in the way I wish. Such a wonderful thing!
Yesterday I ordered some books off Amazon, some books I really thirst to read. I still have some books lying around here that I want to read too. Such a treasure to have so many authors, led by God, to share their thoughts and help us, the readers, grow and learn.
So today I will do some much needed work and alternate the work with reading - reward my work with periods of reading. Good plan, don't you think?
My mom is doing well and ready to move into a nursing home. Amazingly some beds are freeing up here in my own community. If all goes well and she is accepted at one of these places she will be much closer to me and I'll be able to visit often. What a blessing that will be!
But I'll need to be prepared to drop everything when a bed is found. Will have to move some of her things in quickly and make the room homey with lots of her favourite things. Then move her in and get her settled. Then I will have the month of November to empty her apartment. What a job that will be! What to do with all her furnishings and all the stuff she's collected over the years? There will be nothing straight forward about that. And what will make the job even more difficult is that her apartment is a 45 minute drive away from me. I will have to be well organized.
But today I will enjoy the peace and pleasure of doing things for myself.
"This is the day the Lord has made..."
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Coming together
Thank you, Immi and PJ, for your prayers and encouragement. This morning is much better. I look forward to cooking, cleaning, and preparing for Bible study.
I visited Mom yesterday and she too was doing better - less confused and physically improved. I had a meeting with the social worker and we discussed how she has been over the past while - how she had managed with independent living and where she's at now. Our conclusion was that she should probably go into a nursing home. But we'll wait until she recovers more before making the final decision. My hopes and prayers are that she'll be closer to where I live - much closer.
Neat thing about Mom though is that she's still in good spirits. She even laughs a fair amount. Wouldn't it be great if that continued? Visiting means a good time for both of us.
I'm sorry I've been complaining so much in this blog. But when you have bipolar disorder, off days are worrisome, aren't they? You wonder if it's the beginning of something more severe. You wonder if you're going to be able to meet your commitments. And it's such a relief when you wake up feeling better, as I am today.
"This is the day the Lord has made..." And I'm thankful.
I visited Mom yesterday and she too was doing better - less confused and physically improved. I had a meeting with the social worker and we discussed how she has been over the past while - how she had managed with independent living and where she's at now. Our conclusion was that she should probably go into a nursing home. But we'll wait until she recovers more before making the final decision. My hopes and prayers are that she'll be closer to where I live - much closer.
Neat thing about Mom though is that she's still in good spirits. She even laughs a fair amount. Wouldn't it be great if that continued? Visiting means a good time for both of us.
I'm sorry I've been complaining so much in this blog. But when you have bipolar disorder, off days are worrisome, aren't they? You wonder if it's the beginning of something more severe. You wonder if you're going to be able to meet your commitments. And it's such a relief when you wake up feeling better, as I am today.
"This is the day the Lord has made..." And I'm thankful.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Wired
I feel wired this morning. Had only one cup of caffeine and that did it for me. Why? I can usually drink three big mugs before that happens. I don't like this feeling. It's not the kind of peace I wish for in the early morning.
I had a good day yesterday. Felt good motivation. Yesterday followed on the heels of a wonderful Sunday: a spirit filled church service, a visit with Mom, and turkey dinner at a friend's house. Sunday was healing for me.
I pray that today will be a good day. Have been praying a lot this morning. Just wish I could feel more at peace. Wish my mood could be more stable.
Mom is not doing well at all and I know a lot of my unsettled feelings come from my concern about her. She's still in the hospital and I need to visit her often, though it's hard. She's so far away. We found out that she had a heart attack. She must also have had some small strokes. Her ability to remember things are zilch. When we tell her something, she forgets one minute later. I'm not exaggerating. She asks the same questions over and over. We answer and a minute later she asks the same question again. Today she will get an assessment to see what level of care she'll need. I pray we will find a good way of having her looked after.
So...yesterday I felt motivated. This morning it's an effort getting going. Perhaps a good workout at Curves will help...if I could just get myself dressed.
But now I must move. I must put one foot in front of the other.
"This is the day the Lord has made..."
I had a good day yesterday. Felt good motivation. Yesterday followed on the heels of a wonderful Sunday: a spirit filled church service, a visit with Mom, and turkey dinner at a friend's house. Sunday was healing for me.
I pray that today will be a good day. Have been praying a lot this morning. Just wish I could feel more at peace. Wish my mood could be more stable.
Mom is not doing well at all and I know a lot of my unsettled feelings come from my concern about her. She's still in the hospital and I need to visit her often, though it's hard. She's so far away. We found out that she had a heart attack. She must also have had some small strokes. Her ability to remember things are zilch. When we tell her something, she forgets one minute later. I'm not exaggerating. She asks the same questions over and over. We answer and a minute later she asks the same question again. Today she will get an assessment to see what level of care she'll need. I pray we will find a good way of having her looked after.
So...yesterday I felt motivated. This morning it's an effort getting going. Perhaps a good workout at Curves will help...if I could just get myself dressed.
But now I must move. I must put one foot in front of the other.
"This is the day the Lord has made..."
Saturday, October 11, 2008
A need to move
Living Room was wonderful yesterday, yet I was worried about myself going into it. Wondered if I could carry out the leading the way I needed to. Life has been so very complex, especially with my mother sick. We found out she'd had a heart attack. She will be in hospital a little while and how she will cope when she gets out is uncertain.
Before Living Room, I prayed hard, my friend Helen prayed with me, I solicited prayer from my pastor, and Janice, my co-facilitator and I prayed before the meeting. The complexities of my life have caused me to let a lot of little things go - some of them important little things. So I was worried about how I'd handle the devotional time yesterday. I feel somewhat disorganized. Yet I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm not down....I don't think.
God came through 100% yesterday. The meeting proved that God is real and that He'll show up when you ask Him to - and that He'll be there to strengthen you. Mostly leading Living Room is about sharing God's love and I was - in spite of all - able to do that - fully eager to do that.
We ended our devotional time yesterday with this piece of Scripture from the Message:
God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us.
That's so true!! All I had to do yesterday was to love people with the love God gave me to give. And the atmosphere was joyous. We were totally happy and "together." And that's the main thing, isn't it? The devotional went off fine.
But today I'm having trouble getting myself moving. It will be an effort to put one foot ahead of the other, to do the laundry - perhaps go to Curves. Then this afternoon I need to go and see Mom. Yet it all seems like an awful lot of effort. Dear God, please let this not be the beginning of a down swing.
Before Living Room, I prayed hard, my friend Helen prayed with me, I solicited prayer from my pastor, and Janice, my co-facilitator and I prayed before the meeting. The complexities of my life have caused me to let a lot of little things go - some of them important little things. So I was worried about how I'd handle the devotional time yesterday. I feel somewhat disorganized. Yet I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I'm not down....I don't think.
God came through 100% yesterday. The meeting proved that God is real and that He'll show up when you ask Him to - and that He'll be there to strengthen you. Mostly leading Living Room is about sharing God's love and I was - in spite of all - able to do that - fully eager to do that.
We ended our devotional time yesterday with this piece of Scripture from the Message:
God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us.
That's so true!! All I had to do yesterday was to love people with the love God gave me to give. And the atmosphere was joyous. We were totally happy and "together." And that's the main thing, isn't it? The devotional went off fine.
But today I'm having trouble getting myself moving. It will be an effort to put one foot ahead of the other, to do the laundry - perhaps go to Curves. Then this afternoon I need to go and see Mom. Yet it all seems like an awful lot of effort. Dear God, please let this not be the beginning of a down swing.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Cloistered
I feel a bit like a nun - have felt like that for quite awhile now - tied to the work I do, paying little attention to the world around me. I never watch TV. Don't keep track of the news - not via radio, TV, or newspaper. There's an election coming up and I don't have a clue who to vote for. After 36 years as a serious photographer, I've cut photography out of my life. So glad about that, even if it had always given me such joy.
My friends and my church are very important to me though. They're my support system and I stay in close touch with them. Unfortunately, my contact with blogging buddies is slipping. I feel bad about that.
There are just so very many things at me and I think that letting so many things slip away is my way of coping. Because I am coping. Though I have so many things going on, I don't feel stressed. I've learned to deal with one little thing at a time, shutting everything else out...things like cleaning up the kitchen, planning meals, paying bills...opening mail, for that matter :) I'm finding it's becoming more and more important to write down every little thing I need to do. If I didn't I'm sure I would forget important commitments.
Now I'm up against something else: My mom is in poor shape. She is terribly confused and sleeping most of the time. I'm so happy that I was able to arrange for health support workers to come in and check on her morning and evening. Even then, I had a call this morning that she had - in her confusion - taken all today's pills yesterday. Was that why she was too weak to even have a shower this morning? I'm sure someone will now administer her medications.
What really makes me sad is that Mom is starting to live in the past. My sister visited today and Mom said how much she misses the family. She asked for my dad who died years ago. She's so dreadfully confused. Feeling alone. I want to love her like a mother loves her young child.
Yet Living Room is coming up this Friday and I'm looking forward to it. We will talk about relationship with God, drawing from The Shack and Philippians 2:1-8 for inspiration. If it weren't for Living Room and what it means to me, would I be coping as well as I am?
My friends and my church are very important to me though. They're my support system and I stay in close touch with them. Unfortunately, my contact with blogging buddies is slipping. I feel bad about that.
There are just so very many things at me and I think that letting so many things slip away is my way of coping. Because I am coping. Though I have so many things going on, I don't feel stressed. I've learned to deal with one little thing at a time, shutting everything else out...things like cleaning up the kitchen, planning meals, paying bills...opening mail, for that matter :) I'm finding it's becoming more and more important to write down every little thing I need to do. If I didn't I'm sure I would forget important commitments.
Now I'm up against something else: My mom is in poor shape. She is terribly confused and sleeping most of the time. I'm so happy that I was able to arrange for health support workers to come in and check on her morning and evening. Even then, I had a call this morning that she had - in her confusion - taken all today's pills yesterday. Was that why she was too weak to even have a shower this morning? I'm sure someone will now administer her medications.
What really makes me sad is that Mom is starting to live in the past. My sister visited today and Mom said how much she misses the family. She asked for my dad who died years ago. She's so dreadfully confused. Feeling alone. I want to love her like a mother loves her young child.
Yet Living Room is coming up this Friday and I'm looking forward to it. We will talk about relationship with God, drawing from The Shack and Philippians 2:1-8 for inspiration. If it weren't for Living Room and what it means to me, would I be coping as well as I am?
Friday, October 03, 2008
Meeting God at the shack
I am doing better - not bad at all. And I think part of what has colored my world in the last few days is The Shack by William P. Young. This book intrigued me because it's a Christian book that made it as a #1 New York Times Bestseller. I wanted to see what it was that drew such a large readership. Last night I finished reading it and today I feel like I want to start reading it all over again. It's so rich!
This fictional story illustrates so well what God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are like. It describes their character so well. And it shows not only how much God loves us but how we can have a relationship with Him. This book has touched me deeply. It has given me hope for myself and for the many who have been reading it. Hope also for the many lives these readers touch, because it's through learning how to have a better relationship with God that we can have a better relationship with everyone in our lives.
I feel like I've grown spiritually through the reading of this book. And I pray that God will help me hang on to this change for the better. I pray that God will help me stay closer to Him, as I do this morning.
Saruya, the character that portrays the Holy Spirit part of God says, "...you will hear and see me in the Bible in fresh ways. Just don't look for rules and principles; look for relationship - a way of coming to be with us." In meeting God along with the main character, Mackenzie, I have learned to look at Him in a clearer way.
At Living Room I've always considered my biggest job to be helping members come to understand how much God loves them. Now I want to go a step further and help them learn to have a closer relationship with Him. I want to help them understand what God is really like.
I wish I had the time to tell you a lot more about The Shack. I feel that what I've shared here is terribly inadequate as a description. But you will have to read it for yourself. Eugene Peterson said this: "This book has the potential to do for our generation what John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress did for his. It's that good."
My mom was admitted to hospital yesterday, badly confused. I will be visiting her this morning. Please pray that she will get the kind of care she needs. Please pray that she will not be too anxious.
This fictional story illustrates so well what God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are like. It describes their character so well. And it shows not only how much God loves us but how we can have a relationship with Him. This book has touched me deeply. It has given me hope for myself and for the many who have been reading it. Hope also for the many lives these readers touch, because it's through learning how to have a better relationship with God that we can have a better relationship with everyone in our lives.
I feel like I've grown spiritually through the reading of this book. And I pray that God will help me hang on to this change for the better. I pray that God will help me stay closer to Him, as I do this morning.
Saruya, the character that portrays the Holy Spirit part of God says, "...you will hear and see me in the Bible in fresh ways. Just don't look for rules and principles; look for relationship - a way of coming to be with us." In meeting God along with the main character, Mackenzie, I have learned to look at Him in a clearer way.
At Living Room I've always considered my biggest job to be helping members come to understand how much God loves them. Now I want to go a step further and help them learn to have a closer relationship with Him. I want to help them understand what God is really like.
I wish I had the time to tell you a lot more about The Shack. I feel that what I've shared here is terribly inadequate as a description. But you will have to read it for yourself. Eugene Peterson said this: "This book has the potential to do for our generation what John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress did for his. It's that good."
My mom was admitted to hospital yesterday, badly confused. I will be visiting her this morning. Please pray that she will get the kind of care she needs. Please pray that she will not be too anxious.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The deep
I'm feeling not too bad at all this morning. I pray that this upturn will continue and that the depression won't pull me under to too much extent.
It's interesting to see how depression grabs hold. Increasingly I've been grabbed by pensive moods. My husband will catch me repeatedly, head in my hands, just sitting there, thinking - in the deep. At church I go deeply into worship, pulled into prayer. Gradually I'm pulled under until it becomes hard to actually do something. I'd rather just sit and wallow in my inner life.
Being aware of this helps. And - again - my friend's question yesterday helped: "What are you going to do for yourself, Marja?" Her suggestion was kind, encouraging me to "do" something that would benefit me and make me feel better. I know that what I need right now is to "do," instead of wallowing in thought.
It helps to write down my thoughts - to have a beginning and end to them instead of allowing them to roam around endlessly within. To bring them out onto paper, perhaps share with a friend.
I've also alerted some friends and they are encouraging me, letting me know they care. That comforts me.
Sometimes I think I'm making a lot out of nothing. Yet the onset of depression has been a real one, and sharing my fears with others and taking "action" is encouraging me to escape the deep before it totally pulls me under. I need to stay on the surface and be in the world if I'm to do the work I've taken on.
I have a list of things I'd like to do today. Nothing too difficult. Some pleasurable things and some things that are chores. I think I'll be alright. I'm not afraid. And I know God is with me.
It's interesting to see how depression grabs hold. Increasingly I've been grabbed by pensive moods. My husband will catch me repeatedly, head in my hands, just sitting there, thinking - in the deep. At church I go deeply into worship, pulled into prayer. Gradually I'm pulled under until it becomes hard to actually do something. I'd rather just sit and wallow in my inner life.
Being aware of this helps. And - again - my friend's question yesterday helped: "What are you going to do for yourself, Marja?" Her suggestion was kind, encouraging me to "do" something that would benefit me and make me feel better. I know that what I need right now is to "do," instead of wallowing in thought.
It helps to write down my thoughts - to have a beginning and end to them instead of allowing them to roam around endlessly within. To bring them out onto paper, perhaps share with a friend.
I've also alerted some friends and they are encouraging me, letting me know they care. That comforts me.
Sometimes I think I'm making a lot out of nothing. Yet the onset of depression has been a real one, and sharing my fears with others and taking "action" is encouraging me to escape the deep before it totally pulls me under. I need to stay on the surface and be in the world if I'm to do the work I've taken on.
I have a list of things I'd like to do today. Nothing too difficult. Some pleasurable things and some things that are chores. I think I'll be alright. I'm not afraid. And I know God is with me.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Never invincible
When you've been doing well for a long time, it's hard to believe that you could ever be depressed again. But with bipolar disorder you're never totally in the clear. It's bound to come back. Here I am with two books published on how to live with bipolar disorder - how to cope - how to be strong - and here I am with depression looming again.
I feel down, teary, tired, not up to doing very much. I've also been overly worried about some things - overly negative. This is discouraging.
What makes it harder is that my 94-year-old mom isn't doing well. She's terribly confused and did something to the phone so that she can't use speed dial anymore. Last week she got over-wrought, not able to call anyone, feeling isolated and anxious. I think she has forgotten to go down to meals a few times, which means she doesn't get fed. This is not a care facility. The only people looking after her are those who give her a bath twice a week and those who do a bit of cleaning once a week.
So, on top of feeling depressed I feel stressed, wondering what we will do about Mom.
I'm going to have to simplify my life as much as I can. Re-prioritize a few things. Allow lots of room to try and get some care for Mom. Allow for extra time with her.
When I told my friend that I was into a downward spiral she asked me, "What are you going to do for yourself?" That's a very good question for a supporter to ask. It made me think - made me think I need to strategize a bit instead of just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I need to reach outside myself instead of staying caught within.
I will try to do some chores and reward myself with lots of pleasurable things. I will:
I feel down, teary, tired, not up to doing very much. I've also been overly worried about some things - overly negative. This is discouraging.
What makes it harder is that my 94-year-old mom isn't doing well. She's terribly confused and did something to the phone so that she can't use speed dial anymore. Last week she got over-wrought, not able to call anyone, feeling isolated and anxious. I think she has forgotten to go down to meals a few times, which means she doesn't get fed. This is not a care facility. The only people looking after her are those who give her a bath twice a week and those who do a bit of cleaning once a week.
So, on top of feeling depressed I feel stressed, wondering what we will do about Mom.
I'm going to have to simplify my life as much as I can. Re-prioritize a few things. Allow lots of room to try and get some care for Mom. Allow for extra time with her.
When I told my friend that I was into a downward spiral she asked me, "What are you going to do for yourself?" That's a very good question for a supporter to ask. It made me think - made me think I need to strategize a bit instead of just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I need to reach outside myself instead of staying caught within.
I will try to do some chores and reward myself with lots of pleasurable things. I will:
- arrange for better care for Mom.
- find someone to go for a walk with me.
- go to Curves more regularly.
- spend some time ironing, while listening to my favourite music.
- read my new book, The Shack.
- spend more time blogging.
- plan some really easy but tasty meals from my Up Recipes for Down Times recipe booklet.
- play Ticket to Ride with my husband.
- shop for things we'll be donating to homeless people in town. (things that will make life on the street more bearable)
- journal my thoughts.
- email notes to my friends.
- read my Bible.
- pray and ask God to see me through, asking him to stay close and to help me remember that he loves me no matter what.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I will not be put to shame
This morning I read something in Isaiah 50:5-7 that was perfect for me to read at this time. Isn't it something how God will give you words like that when you most need it? Words that you might at any other time overlook? I've copied this into my journal and plan to look at it often:
"I offered my back to those who beat me, my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard; I did not hide my face from mocking and spitting. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."
Fighting stigma takes that, doesn't it? You have to be willing to take a stand, let them at you, and not run away - ever. And we can do that because "the Sovereign Lord helps [us]." And God has taught me that I need to fight with love, not with bitterness. That's what keeps me feeling at peace, in spite of that rather vicious comment yesterday. "The Sovereign Lord helps me."
Life has been moving hard and fast. I'll be getting lots of opportunities I think to do some stigma busting....but perhaps I should just call it "educating." Yesterday, that comment on canadianchristianity.com. Then an invitation to speak at a mental health awareness workshop for churches. And this morning I had a call at 5:15 asking me to do a pre-interview for a syndicated radio show. I also had a conference call with four people from a church in Victoria, wanting to know more about Living Room. They're considering having a group at their church. I've had about forty requests for review copies of the book, mostly from the U.S. Almost feel like I should have an office somewhere.
But you know what? I'm staying stable through all this excitement. Quite amazing I would say. Thank God, eh?
"I offered my back to those who beat me, my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard; I did not hide my face from mocking and spitting. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."
Fighting stigma takes that, doesn't it? You have to be willing to take a stand, let them at you, and not run away - ever. And we can do that because "the Sovereign Lord helps [us]." And God has taught me that I need to fight with love, not with bitterness. That's what keeps me feeling at peace, in spite of that rather vicious comment yesterday. "The Sovereign Lord helps me."
Life has been moving hard and fast. I'll be getting lots of opportunities I think to do some stigma busting....but perhaps I should just call it "educating." Yesterday, that comment on canadianchristianity.com. Then an invitation to speak at a mental health awareness workshop for churches. And this morning I had a call at 5:15 asking me to do a pre-interview for a syndicated radio show. I also had a conference call with four people from a church in Victoria, wanting to know more about Living Room. They're considering having a group at their church. I've had about forty requests for review copies of the book, mostly from the U.S. Almost feel like I should have an office somewhere.
But you know what? I'm staying stable through all this excitement. Quite amazing I would say. Thank God, eh?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Christian condemnation
This morning someone going by the name Warrior Princess left a comment on an article I have online right now at canadianchristianity.com. The piece tries to show how mental illnesses are illnesses like any other - diabetes, heart disease, etc. etc. I was trying to educate, to eradicate the stigma.
I think that most Christians are starting to realize that being mentally ill does not mean that there is something spiritually wrong with you. Yet there are still many who totally misunderstand and believe that to be mentally ill is to be possessed by Satan.
There are varying degrees of this kind of thinking. Warrior Princess's views are at the extreme end. Her attack of people with mental illness is a scathing one. It shocked me and I'm trying to find the best way to reply, praying that I'll be able to speak to her in love, and not with the kind of fighting attitude she has.
Eradicating stigma is a fight, but as Christians we need to use love as our weapon of choice, not attacking with cutting words that will hurt. Even when people hurt us, we should try not to hurt back. After all, as followers of Christ we should treat others with love, even our enemies. And this person I'm talking about is, after all, a fellow Christian - a sister-in-Christ.
A couple of days ago someone who has for a long time been suffering from depression and anxiety wrote to me, saying "I feel so condemned by the Christian community because everything I am is what you are not supposed to be as a Christian."
This person is hurting terribly from the symptoms of her disease. Yet the condemnation she feels from fellow Christians hurts almost more than those symptoms. We need to educate Christians so that they will more fully understand the medical nature of mental illnesses. This is so very important if we want to lovingly encourage hurting people in their faith.
I needed to share this you, in preparation for my reply. Please pray that understanding will grow. Please pray that people will open their minds enough so that we can educate them.
I think that most Christians are starting to realize that being mentally ill does not mean that there is something spiritually wrong with you. Yet there are still many who totally misunderstand and believe that to be mentally ill is to be possessed by Satan.
There are varying degrees of this kind of thinking. Warrior Princess's views are at the extreme end. Her attack of people with mental illness is a scathing one. It shocked me and I'm trying to find the best way to reply, praying that I'll be able to speak to her in love, and not with the kind of fighting attitude she has.
Eradicating stigma is a fight, but as Christians we need to use love as our weapon of choice, not attacking with cutting words that will hurt. Even when people hurt us, we should try not to hurt back. After all, as followers of Christ we should treat others with love, even our enemies. And this person I'm talking about is, after all, a fellow Christian - a sister-in-Christ.
A couple of days ago someone who has for a long time been suffering from depression and anxiety wrote to me, saying "I feel so condemned by the Christian community because everything I am is what you are not supposed to be as a Christian."
This person is hurting terribly from the symptoms of her disease. Yet the condemnation she feels from fellow Christians hurts almost more than those symptoms. We need to educate Christians so that they will more fully understand the medical nature of mental illnesses. This is so very important if we want to lovingly encourage hurting people in their faith.
I needed to share this you, in preparation for my reply. Please pray that understanding will grow. Please pray that people will open their minds enough so that we can educate them.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I don't believe in "If" anymore
This excerpt from my book A Firm Place to Stand has been on my mind lately and I felt I really wanted to share it with you. It is a reflection on how I used to try to survive with my symptoms and the difference believing God has made to me:
With the greatest determination, I used to cling to what was left of my mind’s composure. I felt as though I were hanging from the edge of a high rooftop, white-knuckled, panicky with fear. How long can I hold on like this? Can I maintain my strength? What will happen if I let go? Exhaustion overwhelmed me. Far below was the hard ground and no one to catch me if I fell.
But I did fall – quite often. These experiences were devastating and difficult to recover from. The support I received from family, friends and my doctor was helpful, but I was alone in the battle.
Rudyard Kipling’s poem If was like a bible to me during many years of my illness. I described in Riding the Roller Coaster how meaningful this poem became, how I patterned my life after its good counsel, how I carried it with me for many years. It encouraged me to become a productive and responsible person. I still think highly of the poem and try to go along with most of its advice. I follow through on my dreams, don’t worry about what others say and try as much as possible to “…fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run.” But I no longer listen to the challenge Kipling leaves us with these words:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will, which says to them, “Hold on!”
For twenty-three years, I tried to live out those lines when I was in crisis. I tried with my best willpower to survive the mental turmoil that overtook me. I was determined to be strong, hanging on to whatever I could, but not finding much of substance. Those were times of anxiety and fear.
Coping with crisis finally changed for the better when I could no longer deny that God is real. I realized I didn’t have to depend on myself alone. I could relax my grip and trust in someone much stronger than me.
The faith I learned to have in a God who loves me too much to let me go helps me cope better with stress. Extreme difficulties no longer develop as often. Sometimes I still have a fear of falling, and for good reason. But today I have a Bible that tells me, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NLT) Remembering this gives me comfort when I need it. I am not as afraid anymore.
Challenging periods will always be part of my life. There will be times when I’ll have trouble. I may even fall. But I know that when I do, there will be someone there to catch me and stay with me as I recover. I’ll never be alone again.
Hanging on the wall across from my bed is a photograph of a child’s small hand resting comfortably on her father’s big hand. Underneath are the words from Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” During tough times, I look at that photograph and feel a sense of peace. No longer is there a need for white-knuckled fists, no longer a need to rely on my own inadequate strength.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Praise God!
I heard from someone in Victoria last night, wanting to set up a conference call with me because people in her church are planning to start a Living Room. And one of the co-facilitators from my own group is planning to start a group of her own in Vancouver. I've been praying for a group there. My prayer is being answered.
There are now five Living Rooms and another four in the planning stages. Thank God! The movement of this much needed ministry is spreading.
Between Living Room and promoting my book it's beginning to look like I have almost a full-time job. And that's a lot for me, someone who was never able to have a career, not able to work because of the severity of her disorder. I pray that all will go well and that I'll be able to meet all the demands on me.
I'm thankful that I wake up early and have a couple of hours of quiet time to spend with God and reflect before I start the day. That really helps a lot. And I have learned to focus on only one job at a time, not worrying about the big picture but only looking at the portion I'm working on.
Yesterday was a big day. I partnered with the Mood Disorder Association of BC in presenting a workshop for a group of new support group facilitators. So good to have this partnership. Vikki Rogers did a wonderful job of teaching and guiding us through role playing exercises. In the afternoon I had time with the facilitators of the Christian groups (seven people) and we discussed the spiritual aspects of facilitating Living Room.
My own group in Burnaby is starting a Bible study which will meet every Friday that we don't have a regular Living Room meeting. For some of our people Living Room is like their church, because they have had bad experiences - feeling judged in regular churches. Every church needs to have an opportunity for Bible Study. Someone in our church has volunteered to teach the class, so we are able to meet this need.
Please understand if I don't blog as much as I used to or if I don't always visit your blog. My work load seems to be increasing all the time, and sometimes it's wisest for me to spend my free time with my husband, with a friend, or with a sudoku puzzle. We have to keep things balanced, don't we?
There are now five Living Rooms and another four in the planning stages. Thank God! The movement of this much needed ministry is spreading.
Between Living Room and promoting my book it's beginning to look like I have almost a full-time job. And that's a lot for me, someone who was never able to have a career, not able to work because of the severity of her disorder. I pray that all will go well and that I'll be able to meet all the demands on me.
I'm thankful that I wake up early and have a couple of hours of quiet time to spend with God and reflect before I start the day. That really helps a lot. And I have learned to focus on only one job at a time, not worrying about the big picture but only looking at the portion I'm working on.
Yesterday was a big day. I partnered with the Mood Disorder Association of BC in presenting a workshop for a group of new support group facilitators. So good to have this partnership. Vikki Rogers did a wonderful job of teaching and guiding us through role playing exercises. In the afternoon I had time with the facilitators of the Christian groups (seven people) and we discussed the spiritual aspects of facilitating Living Room.
My own group in Burnaby is starting a Bible study which will meet every Friday that we don't have a regular Living Room meeting. For some of our people Living Room is like their church, because they have had bad experiences - feeling judged in regular churches. Every church needs to have an opportunity for Bible Study. Someone in our church has volunteered to teach the class, so we are able to meet this need.
Please understand if I don't blog as much as I used to or if I don't always visit your blog. My work load seems to be increasing all the time, and sometimes it's wisest for me to spend my free time with my husband, with a friend, or with a sudoku puzzle. We have to keep things balanced, don't we?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Trust
At Living Room on Friday we're going to talk about trust. Being able to trust in God - to trust our ability to be well - to trust our doctor, etc. etc. It's so important to a life of peace. It's so important to our health.
When I start getting symptoms that indicate a depression might be coming on, it's important that I can trust that it won't happen. When I trust and rely on God to help me avert it, I have a much greater chance of staying well. Someone - and I'm too lazy right now to check the source - once said that when we fear God we need fear nothing else. Of course he did not mean to "be afraid" of God; he meant to believe in God and his power - to be in awe of God.
To have bipolar disorder can bring on a lot of fears because we have had so many bad experiences of depression, mania and psychosis. The slightest indication that something is going wrong can bring on anxiety, making it even more likely that it will.
In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus speaks poetically: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear....Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"...(I won't type out the entire piece.) But then Jesus says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Jesus is not saying that we will have immunity to the problems of life, but by trusting God instead of ourselves, we will have confidence in spite of them. When we seek the kingdom of God we will find purpose, power and direction. We forget about being anxious. We trust where God is taking us. It's through faith, hope and extending God's love to others - as God loves us - that we will experience this kingdom of God - this kingdom where God's rule prevails.
I've spent a fair amount of time reading various authors' thoughts and explanations of what Jesus meant by "the kingdom of God" and "the kingdom of heaven." Jesus mentions these phrases over 80 times in the gospels. It's something we should try to understand. Too often we overlook these phrases, assuming that Jesus is talking about what we'll experience after we die. But Jesus did say, "The kingdom of God is upon us." We can start experiencing the kingdom of heaven today by submitting to God's rule and being the kind of people he intended us to be.
I got kind of side-tracked here, moving from trust and anxiety to the kingdom of God. But that's just how my thoughts travelled today.
Did I make sense? What do you understand about the kingdom of God?
When I start getting symptoms that indicate a depression might be coming on, it's important that I can trust that it won't happen. When I trust and rely on God to help me avert it, I have a much greater chance of staying well. Someone - and I'm too lazy right now to check the source - once said that when we fear God we need fear nothing else. Of course he did not mean to "be afraid" of God; he meant to believe in God and his power - to be in awe of God.
To have bipolar disorder can bring on a lot of fears because we have had so many bad experiences of depression, mania and psychosis. The slightest indication that something is going wrong can bring on anxiety, making it even more likely that it will.
In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus speaks poetically: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear....Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"...(I won't type out the entire piece.) But then Jesus says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Jesus is not saying that we will have immunity to the problems of life, but by trusting God instead of ourselves, we will have confidence in spite of them. When we seek the kingdom of God we will find purpose, power and direction. We forget about being anxious. We trust where God is taking us. It's through faith, hope and extending God's love to others - as God loves us - that we will experience this kingdom of God - this kingdom where God's rule prevails.
I've spent a fair amount of time reading various authors' thoughts and explanations of what Jesus meant by "the kingdom of God" and "the kingdom of heaven." Jesus mentions these phrases over 80 times in the gospels. It's something we should try to understand. Too often we overlook these phrases, assuming that Jesus is talking about what we'll experience after we die. But Jesus did say, "The kingdom of God is upon us." We can start experiencing the kingdom of heaven today by submitting to God's rule and being the kind of people he intended us to be.
I got kind of side-tracked here, moving from trust and anxiety to the kingdom of God. But that's just how my thoughts travelled today.
Did I make sense? What do you understand about the kingdom of God?
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Can God accept me?
I had a comment on my last post from B. I want to address the questions she poses here, realizing that there may be other people with similar problems. You sound like you're in deep pain, B., and I hope this post will help.
B. wrote, "I did things as a result of my impulses and emotions and feelings from my mania that I was so ashamed of, but I didn't feel I could tell anyone at my church." When we're manic we often do things we're later ashamed of, things we would not do if we were stable. But because we do it as a result of our disorder, doesn't make it right. It's true that we need to fight our impulses and get medical help to prevent us from this. And when we stabilize, we have to try, in whatever way we can, make things right. This would include asking God for forgiveness. But God will continue to love you. You are His child, and he will forgive.
B. ends her comment with "My relationship with God has been very distant since last summer, and things have changed a lot in my life (for the better). I still wonder though; can I assume that God would still accept me? Am I even sure I believe in God or that He's worth my heart again, after such a deep feeling of abandonment?"
I need to tell you, B., that God will always accept you and love you. He may not accept what we do, but he never stops loving us. He will forgive if we, with all sincerity, ask for his forgiveness. God realizes that you did not do the things you did because you wanted to sin. He realizes that you have an illness that made you do them. He will forgive.
B., you said something that I think is completely the wrong way to look at things. You said, "I still believed that Christian attitudes had to be a reflection of God's attitudes, and if they would judge me for sinning because of something I couldn't control, God would too; if they couldn't accept me, how could God?"
God does not follow people's examples. It is not people's place to judge. We have all sinned. How can we judge others?
Remember the Pharisees who wanted to stone the woman caught in adultery? Check out this story in John 8:1-11. I think it will do you good.
Jesus said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone." One by one the men left. Then Jesus said to the woman, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
God does not follow people. If people are not accepting of you, that does not at all mean that God won't accept you. God does not listen to people's judgement. He is in charge, not people. We can trust God to always be there for us, to always love us, to always want the best for us, to always help us when we want to do better. God can transform you if you will trust him and seek him each day with all your heart.
I hope this has helped, B. I hope you don't give up on God, because He will never give up on you. His love is unconditional.
B. wrote, "I did things as a result of my impulses and emotions and feelings from my mania that I was so ashamed of, but I didn't feel I could tell anyone at my church." When we're manic we often do things we're later ashamed of, things we would not do if we were stable. But because we do it as a result of our disorder, doesn't make it right. It's true that we need to fight our impulses and get medical help to prevent us from this. And when we stabilize, we have to try, in whatever way we can, make things right. This would include asking God for forgiveness. But God will continue to love you. You are His child, and he will forgive.
B. ends her comment with "My relationship with God has been very distant since last summer, and things have changed a lot in my life (for the better). I still wonder though; can I assume that God would still accept me? Am I even sure I believe in God or that He's worth my heart again, after such a deep feeling of abandonment?"
I need to tell you, B., that God will always accept you and love you. He may not accept what we do, but he never stops loving us. He will forgive if we, with all sincerity, ask for his forgiveness. God realizes that you did not do the things you did because you wanted to sin. He realizes that you have an illness that made you do them. He will forgive.
B., you said something that I think is completely the wrong way to look at things. You said, "I still believed that Christian attitudes had to be a reflection of God's attitudes, and if they would judge me for sinning because of something I couldn't control, God would too; if they couldn't accept me, how could God?"
God does not follow people's examples. It is not people's place to judge. We have all sinned. How can we judge others?
Remember the Pharisees who wanted to stone the woman caught in adultery? Check out this story in John 8:1-11. I think it will do you good.
Jesus said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone." One by one the men left. Then Jesus said to the woman, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
God does not follow people. If people are not accepting of you, that does not at all mean that God won't accept you. God does not listen to people's judgement. He is in charge, not people. We can trust God to always be there for us, to always love us, to always want the best for us, to always help us when we want to do better. God can transform you if you will trust him and seek him each day with all your heart.
I hope this has helped, B. I hope you don't give up on God, because He will never give up on you. His love is unconditional.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Misconceptions - UGGH!!!
Canadian Christianity has another excerpt from A Firm Place to Stand up. The title is Misconceptions and in it I outline the problem many Christians have, spiritualizing mental health problems like depression. I spell it out really well.
But, lo and behold, someone comments - compassionately enough - but totally NOT getting it. She writes, "Surely, it is spiritual if you break it down to the very root cause....Perhaps a multi action plan would be of use. Spiritual instruction, positive confession, meds and human support."
This is the kind of stigma that exists amongst many Christians. This is the reason many people with mental illness feel judged when they go to church. This is the reason many stop going to church and end up receiving no encouragement in their faith.
I feel so frustrated. Here I spell it out so carefully and it has done no good. I feel I need to return a comment of my own and will eventually do that. First I need to cool down and talk with my two close friends. And - wouldn't you know it - they're not home. And I need them.
I'm just glad I have you out there, my blogging pals. And please, if you feel as I do about this, please write your own comment on that article. I would very much appreciate it. A lot of people read that website and many of them truly don't understand. They need to be educated. Can you help do that?
I feel angry at the stigma, not at the lady who shows the lack of understanding. And I feel even more determined to bust that stigma. Will you help me?
But, lo and behold, someone comments - compassionately enough - but totally NOT getting it. She writes, "Surely, it is spiritual if you break it down to the very root cause....Perhaps a multi action plan would be of use. Spiritual instruction, positive confession, meds and human support."
This is the kind of stigma that exists amongst many Christians. This is the reason many people with mental illness feel judged when they go to church. This is the reason many stop going to church and end up receiving no encouragement in their faith.
I feel so frustrated. Here I spell it out so carefully and it has done no good. I feel I need to return a comment of my own and will eventually do that. First I need to cool down and talk with my two close friends. And - wouldn't you know it - they're not home. And I need them.
I'm just glad I have you out there, my blogging pals. And please, if you feel as I do about this, please write your own comment on that article. I would very much appreciate it. A lot of people read that website and many of them truly don't understand. They need to be educated. Can you help do that?
I feel angry at the stigma, not at the lady who shows the lack of understanding. And I feel even more determined to bust that stigma. Will you help me?
Thursday, September 04, 2008
An illness like any other
Michelle's difficulty with accepting her diagnosis of bipolar disorder prompts me to share an excerpt from my first book, Riding the Roller Coaster. Throughout the writing of this book I held in mind the people who were newly diagnosed and how hard it is to come to terms with it and how hard it is to learn to cope.
An Illness Like Any Other
"What consoles me is that I am beginning to consider madness
as an illness like any other, and that I accept is as such."
- Vincent van Gogh, in a letter to his brother, 1889
"What consoles me is that I am beginning to consider madness
as an illness like any other, and that I accept is as such."
- Vincent van Gogh, in a letter to his brother, 1889
We always think of mental illness as something that happens to other people, not to us. To be diagnosed with depression or manic depression is a scary thing. But how we cope with our mood disorder is largely determined by how we look at it. If we can accept it as the illness it is - an illness like any other - we will be ready to move ahead with our lives in a positive way.
The negative view much of society has of mental disorders is partly due to the fact that people do not understand there is usually a physical basis for these illnesses, often in the form of a chemical imbalance. This imbalance is treatable with medication. With effective treatment most of us can live close-to-normal lives. Mental illness is an illness like any other.
In fact, mood disorders are comparable to other illnesses, such as diabetes. A diabetic is not to blame for his or her illness. Neither is a person with a mood disorder. Just as diabetes can cause serious disability and even death, so can mood disorders. Diabetics often require the use of medication to maintain stable blood sugar levels. People with mood disorders also require medication, in their case, to maintain emotional balance. Finally, as is the case with those who have diabetes, if people with mood disorders take their medications regularly, chances are they will live a close-to-normal life.
Nevertheless, because of the fear of having a "shameful" condition, or of being labeled by society, many don't search out the help they so desperately need. What results is much unnecessary suffering by people who could otherwise have been helped.
In recent years much research has been done and doctors, mental health associations, societies and libraries can provide much information. Mood disorder self-support groups are an especially good source of information. Here we can find pertinent literature and discuss affective illnesses with others who have problems similar to our own.
As we come to terms with our disease we learn to understand how imperative medications and other treatments are - how they form the basis for our well-being. Once we have the physical aspects of our illness under control, we can prepare to take charge of our lives and make the most of the strengths we all have.
As we walk with our friends and acquaintances, we should walk with self-assurance. In that great family of individuals who suffer from personal problems, sicknesses, and handicaps, each of us is a unique yet ordinary member.
Note: I wrote the above ten years ago. It was utterly unthinkable to me that a person with bipolar disorder could manage without medication. I know it has never been possible for me. I also know that the majority of people with bipolar disorder that I come across - and I meet many in the work I do - medication is necessary if they are to function normally. However, I also know that in the blogs I've read there are a number of people who are making it without or with very little medication. I would not recommend trying to persevere without medical care at the cost of being unstable. Bipolar disorder can cause a lot of damage - to our finances, our relationships, our safety, and even the safety of those around us. It needs to be adequately managed. Medications can make a good, productive life possible.
The negative view much of society has of mental disorders is partly due to the fact that people do not understand there is usually a physical basis for these illnesses, often in the form of a chemical imbalance. This imbalance is treatable with medication. With effective treatment most of us can live close-to-normal lives. Mental illness is an illness like any other.
In fact, mood disorders are comparable to other illnesses, such as diabetes. A diabetic is not to blame for his or her illness. Neither is a person with a mood disorder. Just as diabetes can cause serious disability and even death, so can mood disorders. Diabetics often require the use of medication to maintain stable blood sugar levels. People with mood disorders also require medication, in their case, to maintain emotional balance. Finally, as is the case with those who have diabetes, if people with mood disorders take their medications regularly, chances are they will live a close-to-normal life.
Nevertheless, because of the fear of having a "shameful" condition, or of being labeled by society, many don't search out the help they so desperately need. What results is much unnecessary suffering by people who could otherwise have been helped.
In recent years much research has been done and doctors, mental health associations, societies and libraries can provide much information. Mood disorder self-support groups are an especially good source of information. Here we can find pertinent literature and discuss affective illnesses with others who have problems similar to our own.
As we come to terms with our disease we learn to understand how imperative medications and other treatments are - how they form the basis for our well-being. Once we have the physical aspects of our illness under control, we can prepare to take charge of our lives and make the most of the strengths we all have.
As we walk with our friends and acquaintances, we should walk with self-assurance. In that great family of individuals who suffer from personal problems, sicknesses, and handicaps, each of us is a unique yet ordinary member.
Note: I wrote the above ten years ago. It was utterly unthinkable to me that a person with bipolar disorder could manage without medication. I know it has never been possible for me. I also know that the majority of people with bipolar disorder that I come across - and I meet many in the work I do - medication is necessary if they are to function normally. However, I also know that in the blogs I've read there are a number of people who are making it without or with very little medication. I would not recommend trying to persevere without medical care at the cost of being unstable. Bipolar disorder can cause a lot of damage - to our finances, our relationships, our safety, and even the safety of those around us. It needs to be adequately managed. Medications can make a good, productive life possible.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Dear Michelle...
Yesterday I received an email from Michelle, someone who is suffering feelings that are very common to people with mood disorders. I'm not sure whether her diagnosis is unipolar or bipolar disorder. I just know that she has been depressed for the past five months. I'd like to share with you what she wrote so that the many of you who I know probably feel similarly can benefit from this as well.
Michelle wrote:
"I was diagnosed with a mood disorder years ago and was on meds with no real luck. I guess I seem to always think I'm just weak and a moral failure. Was this true for you at one point too? I know I need to be on meds now, but I'm breastfeeding my 6 month old, but I'm a wreck! I try to hold things all together and can manage but things are crazy.
Anyway, I just wanted to write b/c I found your website and I don't know anyone with a mood disorder and it is lonely and isolating to feel so different than everyone else i know who are consistent people."
Dear Michelle,
I'm sorry you haven't had any luck with medications. That can indeed make things tough. I hope though that you don't give up. There are new meds coming out all the time. Eventually you may find something that will help you. You say that you need to be on meds but are breastfeeding. If that means that you're not taking meds so that you can breastfeed, I wonder if you shouldn't reconsider. When I had my baby I stopped breastfeeding so that I could go back on medication. There was no way I could emotionally have been the kind of mother I needed to be without the medication. If you're not doing well right now, I would suggest you discuss this with your doctor.
You asked if I ever felt weak and a moral failure. I think I feel that way every time I get depressed as well. That's one of the worst things about depression. If you're feeling that way, I hope it will make you feel better to know that this feeling is simply your depression talking. Being depressed does not mean you are weak. It simply means that you have an illness - an illness that affects your thinking, making the usually optimistic you feel pessimistic.
I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and isolated. That too is a symptom of depression. But please realize that there are many many people who suffer like you do. You are not alone. Why not check and see if there is a support group in your area? There's nothing like having a place to share time with others who suffer as you do. One of the best benefits is the realization that you are not alone. That in itself is a relief to know and will be a comfort to you.
I wish you well Michelle and pray that you will soon recover and be able to thoroughly enjoy your baby.
Take care,
marja
Michelle wrote:
"I was diagnosed with a mood disorder years ago and was on meds with no real luck. I guess I seem to always think I'm just weak and a moral failure. Was this true for you at one point too? I know I need to be on meds now, but I'm breastfeeding my 6 month old, but I'm a wreck! I try to hold things all together and can manage but things are crazy.
Anyway, I just wanted to write b/c I found your website and I don't know anyone with a mood disorder and it is lonely and isolating to feel so different than everyone else i know who are consistent people."
Dear Michelle,
I'm sorry you haven't had any luck with medications. That can indeed make things tough. I hope though that you don't give up. There are new meds coming out all the time. Eventually you may find something that will help you. You say that you need to be on meds but are breastfeeding. If that means that you're not taking meds so that you can breastfeed, I wonder if you shouldn't reconsider. When I had my baby I stopped breastfeeding so that I could go back on medication. There was no way I could emotionally have been the kind of mother I needed to be without the medication. If you're not doing well right now, I would suggest you discuss this with your doctor.
You asked if I ever felt weak and a moral failure. I think I feel that way every time I get depressed as well. That's one of the worst things about depression. If you're feeling that way, I hope it will make you feel better to know that this feeling is simply your depression talking. Being depressed does not mean you are weak. It simply means that you have an illness - an illness that affects your thinking, making the usually optimistic you feel pessimistic.
I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and isolated. That too is a symptom of depression. But please realize that there are many many people who suffer like you do. You are not alone. Why not check and see if there is a support group in your area? There's nothing like having a place to share time with others who suffer as you do. One of the best benefits is the realization that you are not alone. That in itself is a relief to know and will be a comfort to you.
I wish you well Michelle and pray that you will soon recover and be able to thoroughly enjoy your baby.
Take care,
marja
Friday, August 29, 2008
I need some sleep!
I'm s-o-o tired. Since we got back from holidays ten days ago I only got up after 5am twice and several times around 4am. It's a good thing I keep track of this in my journal so I can see when things are going wrong. I go to bed around 10pm so getting up at 5 means that I get 7 hours sleep. That's not too bad. But I've had less hours than that. Not good.
Thing is, I like getting up early. I love that long quiet time in the morning. And, once I'm awake, I can seldom get back to sleep again, even if I wanted to. The fluanxol I take as an anti-psychotic causes this because it's a stimulant. Most of the time this drug has been good for me, but perhaps I need to reduce the dose. Will talk to my pdoc about it next week.
I'm having some mild mood problems that suggest I could be in for a depression. I'll need to watch that. But I'm on prozac so I doubt that it will happen, especially if I put all my coping strategies in place.
Rest is what I need, but not so much that I'd get bored or lethargic. I'll have to put less things on my to-do list for the next few days. I should get together with some friends. Keep busy, but not too busy. Play some good music. Try to do things that I enjoy, instead of always feeling I have to accomplish things. I need a sabbath day.
If I could just get one solid eight hour night of sleep I think I'd be fine. How good that would be!
Thing is, I like getting up early. I love that long quiet time in the morning. And, once I'm awake, I can seldom get back to sleep again, even if I wanted to. The fluanxol I take as an anti-psychotic causes this because it's a stimulant. Most of the time this drug has been good for me, but perhaps I need to reduce the dose. Will talk to my pdoc about it next week.
I'm having some mild mood problems that suggest I could be in for a depression. I'll need to watch that. But I'm on prozac so I doubt that it will happen, especially if I put all my coping strategies in place.
Rest is what I need, but not so much that I'd get bored or lethargic. I'll have to put less things on my to-do list for the next few days. I should get together with some friends. Keep busy, but not too busy. Play some good music. Try to do things that I enjoy, instead of always feeling I have to accomplish things. I need a sabbath day.
If I could just get one solid eight hour night of sleep I think I'd be fine. How good that would be!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
A photograph and other stuff
This was a good day. I've been dealing a bit with the stress of the work I need to do promoting A Firm Place to Stand. Knowing that I need to get the publicity within the first three months means there's a fair amount of pressure on me to get the words out there - to have the book noticed.
I may sound kind of greedy, like I want to be famous or sell a lot of books so I can make money, but that's not it at all. The reason I wrote the book is because I want it to make a difference. I want it to help people dealing with mental illness and I want to educate Christians so that there will be less stigma. I need to get it into a lot of hands if it's going to make that kind of difference.
Yesterday something good happened. 100 Huntley Street, a popular Christian TV show, repeated an interview they did with me, my pastor, and a couple of people from Living Room. Then they announced the new book. Put a picture of it on the screen. National coverage! Wow!!
Today canadianchristianity.com published an excerpt from the book, one of my favorite pieces. It tells of how I saw the kind of love Jesus has for us in the face of a young girl I photographed. If you go to the home page of the website, you will see the picture I write about. It's cropped a bit too much, but you'll get the idea.
Though I have a lot of work to do, today I no longer felt the stress. I've put together a press release, a pitch letter, a bio, and a page of endorsements and comments. Each day I will send out one or two press kits. Everything is under control and I'm having fun. I do enjoy publicity work; I enjoy promoting things I believe strongly in. Every time I promote this book, there's an opportunity to reduce the stigma a bit more. Such worthwhile work to have! I'm very grateful that God has given me this to do.
Today I also finally finished sorting through Mom-in-law's stuff. On Saturday, when the family comes over, we'll see who would like to have what as a keepsake. The rest I'll give away.
And tonight I will play a game with my husband. Time to relax.
I may sound kind of greedy, like I want to be famous or sell a lot of books so I can make money, but that's not it at all. The reason I wrote the book is because I want it to make a difference. I want it to help people dealing with mental illness and I want to educate Christians so that there will be less stigma. I need to get it into a lot of hands if it's going to make that kind of difference.
Yesterday something good happened. 100 Huntley Street, a popular Christian TV show, repeated an interview they did with me, my pastor, and a couple of people from Living Room. Then they announced the new book. Put a picture of it on the screen. National coverage! Wow!!
Today canadianchristianity.com published an excerpt from the book, one of my favorite pieces. It tells of how I saw the kind of love Jesus has for us in the face of a young girl I photographed. If you go to the home page of the website, you will see the picture I write about. It's cropped a bit too much, but you'll get the idea.
Though I have a lot of work to do, today I no longer felt the stress. I've put together a press release, a pitch letter, a bio, and a page of endorsements and comments. Each day I will send out one or two press kits. Everything is under control and I'm having fun. I do enjoy publicity work; I enjoy promoting things I believe strongly in. Every time I promote this book, there's an opportunity to reduce the stigma a bit more. Such worthwhile work to have! I'm very grateful that God has given me this to do.
Today I also finally finished sorting through Mom-in-law's stuff. On Saturday, when the family comes over, we'll see who would like to have what as a keepsake. The rest I'll give away.
And tonight I will play a game with my husband. Time to relax.
Monday, August 25, 2008
On track
I want to thank PJ, Nancie, Jena, and Susan for your helpful comments and offers for help when I felt so overwhelmed yesterday. It was truly good to have you there.
Yesterday morning I had a great two hour quiet time, journaling, writing yesterday's post, and emailing a friend. Prayer was a big part of it. By the end of that time I felt quite a bit better.
Susan listed several things I needed to do to help me through this busy time. Actually yesterday afternoon I did some of that. After church I came home and - with the help of some books I have on how to promote your book - I made a list of the things I need to prepare to send out to the press. Then I sat down and wrote a press release, the most difficult part of it. I was happy with how it turned out. I also started on some other things. Now I feel that, although I'm still busy, I have things in control. And having control is the most important thing, isn't it?
I do love working on publicity for things I believe in. Have done a lot of it over the years, even selling 4000 copies of a little book I put together, "The Camper's Cookbook." So I think I'd like to keep control over the promotion of A Firm Place. There are so many angles from which I can talk about it. It's news, actually.
Last week there was a series in the Vancouver Sun about the stigma towards mental illness. I was able to pick up on that and talk about the stigma that some Christians still harbour...and considering they are trying to follow Christ who modelled unconditional love! I tried to focus on the tragedy of that and the damage that causes to people who believe in God but are driven away from the church because they feel judged there. A Firm Place to Stand can prompt discussion on a lot of important issues.
Susan also suggested a press release emailing service. I looked this up and found a company I'd like to use. My husband won't be happy with yet another expense, but I think this is important. I very much need to get the word out. Still not totally decided, but it's looking like I'll do that. (Just hope I don't have a divorce over it.:) Thank you, Susan, for letting me know about this opportunity.
Another point Susan made was that I should get some help with Living Room. Actually, I'm happy - and proud - to say that I get lots of help. The members have truly taken ownership and, though I lead it, I'm not alone in the work at all. I have people helping with the food and the phoning. And at the last meeting one of our members had her debut leading the devotional and discussion. I was thrilled with the job she did. Perhaps she'll one day lead a new Living Room somewhere?
Now it's time for a shower; time to get a new day started. Hope you all have a good one.
Yesterday morning I had a great two hour quiet time, journaling, writing yesterday's post, and emailing a friend. Prayer was a big part of it. By the end of that time I felt quite a bit better.
Susan listed several things I needed to do to help me through this busy time. Actually yesterday afternoon I did some of that. After church I came home and - with the help of some books I have on how to promote your book - I made a list of the things I need to prepare to send out to the press. Then I sat down and wrote a press release, the most difficult part of it. I was happy with how it turned out. I also started on some other things. Now I feel that, although I'm still busy, I have things in control. And having control is the most important thing, isn't it?
I do love working on publicity for things I believe in. Have done a lot of it over the years, even selling 4000 copies of a little book I put together, "The Camper's Cookbook." So I think I'd like to keep control over the promotion of A Firm Place. There are so many angles from which I can talk about it. It's news, actually.
Last week there was a series in the Vancouver Sun about the stigma towards mental illness. I was able to pick up on that and talk about the stigma that some Christians still harbour...and considering they are trying to follow Christ who modelled unconditional love! I tried to focus on the tragedy of that and the damage that causes to people who believe in God but are driven away from the church because they feel judged there. A Firm Place to Stand can prompt discussion on a lot of important issues.
Susan also suggested a press release emailing service. I looked this up and found a company I'd like to use. My husband won't be happy with yet another expense, but I think this is important. I very much need to get the word out. Still not totally decided, but it's looking like I'll do that. (Just hope I don't have a divorce over it.:) Thank you, Susan, for letting me know about this opportunity.
Another point Susan made was that I should get some help with Living Room. Actually, I'm happy - and proud - to say that I get lots of help. The members have truly taken ownership and, though I lead it, I'm not alone in the work at all. I have people helping with the food and the phoning. And at the last meeting one of our members had her debut leading the devotional and discussion. I was thrilled with the job she did. Perhaps she'll one day lead a new Living Room somewhere?
Now it's time for a shower; time to get a new day started. Hope you all have a good one.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Overwhelmed
I'm healthy, but - I think quite understandably - feeling overwhelmed about all the things I have on my plate. I feel as though I'm trying to live the lives of half a dozen people, all at one time. And I don't know how I'm going to manage to do all I need to do. In fact, I don't think I will manage. What I need to do is figure out what is most important - be efficient with my time. Good thing I've had a holiday and I do have energy. I just wish there were more of me.
I've been studying how to publicize and market books...and wow! All the things I should be doing! No wonder publicists are so costly. They have a huge job to do. And, not being able to afford one, I will have to do that myself. And I need to try to do this as well as I can, because I believe A Firm Place to Stand is a book that will help fight stigma, and that is so very important. I want the book to be out there and read by many people.
The Vancouver Sun had a series of pieces about mental illness last week, pointing out the effects of stigma on the welfare of people with mental illness. It's a terrible situation. This has to change. And I believe my book and the things I have to say can be a building block in helping change come about. I want to speak to the media. I want people to learn more. I want to help compassion grow.
But I also have a 94-year-old mom who needs me. And I have Living Room and its people. Not just my group, but the other groups I'd like to help grow. I want to keep time for the people that come to me for support. I want to write articles. I want to blog.
This will be a busy week. I'm getting ready for a family barbecue at our house. We will be going through some of my mother-in-law's things to divide up the memories of her between us. I still need to go through her boxes. (a huge mess to clean up and organize) I'll need to clean house and cook.
I am overwhelmed with all the things I need to do, especially raising awareness about the need for support of people with mental illness by the church. I know I'm in a position to do some good. I feel the responsibility in a big way. But how can I best do it with the little resources of time I have? Where should I concentrate my efforts?
Please, God, lead me in the best way to go. I know I'm not on my own with this. This is, after all, your work and not my own. I shouldn't worry so much. I should realize that the burden is not all mine to carry. Help me to take aim with my writing tools and publicity in a way that will do the most good.
I've been studying how to publicize and market books...and wow! All the things I should be doing! No wonder publicists are so costly. They have a huge job to do. And, not being able to afford one, I will have to do that myself. And I need to try to do this as well as I can, because I believe A Firm Place to Stand is a book that will help fight stigma, and that is so very important. I want the book to be out there and read by many people.
The Vancouver Sun had a series of pieces about mental illness last week, pointing out the effects of stigma on the welfare of people with mental illness. It's a terrible situation. This has to change. And I believe my book and the things I have to say can be a building block in helping change come about. I want to speak to the media. I want people to learn more. I want to help compassion grow.
But I also have a 94-year-old mom who needs me. And I have Living Room and its people. Not just my group, but the other groups I'd like to help grow. I want to keep time for the people that come to me for support. I want to write articles. I want to blog.
This will be a busy week. I'm getting ready for a family barbecue at our house. We will be going through some of my mother-in-law's things to divide up the memories of her between us. I still need to go through her boxes. (a huge mess to clean up and organize) I'll need to clean house and cook.
I am overwhelmed with all the things I need to do, especially raising awareness about the need for support of people with mental illness by the church. I know I'm in a position to do some good. I feel the responsibility in a big way. But how can I best do it with the little resources of time I have? Where should I concentrate my efforts?
Please, God, lead me in the best way to go. I know I'm not on my own with this. This is, after all, your work and not my own. I shouldn't worry so much. I should realize that the burden is not all mine to carry. Help me to take aim with my writing tools and publicity in a way that will do the most good.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Dropping in
Hi everyone. I just thought I should drop in and let you know I'm still alive. We had a wonderful holiday. I did a lot of reading. What a treat it was to be able to do that without distractions!
I came home to a huge amount of phone calls and emails to respond to. A pleasure to do, but leaving very little time for blogging. My blogging has been getting as bad and sporadic as my Curves workouts. So much to do. And, when I do have some time, I just want to retreat to my favourite chair with my journal and a cup of coffee. Or I take some time to play Ticket to Ride with my husband. I don't like to blog or work out when I have to cram it into my schedule. It's all part of taking care of myself.
I did check in on a couple of you. Found out that Jena is out of hospital (Yes!!). And that Merelyme left a beautiful message about me on her blog. (Thank you so much for the affirmation, Merelyme.)
Perhaps after Living Room today, I'll be able to take a bit more time to check on you all and to read what you've been up to and how you've been. I will try.
I'm faring well, in spite of the huge busyness of promoting A Firm Place to Stand. But it's work I love to do and work I believe in - happy work. I'm just very grateful God has given me this purpose to live for.
FYI, canadianchristianity.com has re-published an article I wrote last year. I was thrilled to have received an award for that article and am happy they have chosen to run it again.
Must go now and gather things together for my Living Room meeting.
I came home to a huge amount of phone calls and emails to respond to. A pleasure to do, but leaving very little time for blogging. My blogging has been getting as bad and sporadic as my Curves workouts. So much to do. And, when I do have some time, I just want to retreat to my favourite chair with my journal and a cup of coffee. Or I take some time to play Ticket to Ride with my husband. I don't like to blog or work out when I have to cram it into my schedule. It's all part of taking care of myself.
I did check in on a couple of you. Found out that Jena is out of hospital (Yes!!). And that Merelyme left a beautiful message about me on her blog. (Thank you so much for the affirmation, Merelyme.)
Perhaps after Living Room today, I'll be able to take a bit more time to check on you all and to read what you've been up to and how you've been. I will try.
I'm faring well, in spite of the huge busyness of promoting A Firm Place to Stand. But it's work I love to do and work I believe in - happy work. I'm just very grateful God has given me this purpose to live for.
FYI, canadianchristianity.com has re-published an article I wrote last year. I was thrilled to have received an award for that article and am happy they have chosen to run it again.
Must go now and gather things together for my Living Room meeting.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Gone fishing
Yes, we're literally going fishing, for about ten days. Actually my husband will be fishing while I enjoy some glorious hours of reading - and maybe a bit of writing.
See you again around August 19th.
See you again around August 19th.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Who has sinned?
At Living Room this Friday I'd like to once more discuss the topic of stigma. Stigma is something so many of us have trouble dealing with. Stigma often causes even more pain than the symptoms of our illness do. Stigma causes many of us to deny we have a problem. We're afraid to face up to the fact that we have a mental illness. So we don't go for help. We reject the medical care that might help us live easier lives. Stigma causes a lot of damage.
In Jesus' day too there was stigma attached to all forms of illness. Illness and disability was believed to be caused by a person's personal sin.
Jesus and his disciples came upon a blind man. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:2-3)
If we could only believe what Jesus says here! If we could only stand up to that stigma and not accept it! If we could only live, knowing that our illness is not our fault and that we are as okay as anyone else! We only happen to have a disorder, just like people have other disorders. If we could only manage to live without any sense of shame!
I have spoken openly about my life with bipolar disorder for over ten years now. I'm fortunate that I was able to do that, without fear of reprisals from employers that might not take kindly to having someone with a mental illness working for them. (My husband supports me well.) Having my articles and book published has been tremendously helpful. People respect me for coming out in the open. I have found friends who support me and understand me, fully knowing my problems.
There's nothing more wonderful than to be able to live without having to hide anything. I have no need to lie. I can be myself - fully, authentically myself. What freedom!
I wish this were possible for everyone!
Is this possible for you? Could you afford to me more open about your problems? How are you dealing with stigma?
In Jesus' day too there was stigma attached to all forms of illness. Illness and disability was believed to be caused by a person's personal sin.
Jesus and his disciples came upon a blind man. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:2-3)
If we could only believe what Jesus says here! If we could only stand up to that stigma and not accept it! If we could only live, knowing that our illness is not our fault and that we are as okay as anyone else! We only happen to have a disorder, just like people have other disorders. If we could only manage to live without any sense of shame!
I have spoken openly about my life with bipolar disorder for over ten years now. I'm fortunate that I was able to do that, without fear of reprisals from employers that might not take kindly to having someone with a mental illness working for them. (My husband supports me well.) Having my articles and book published has been tremendously helpful. People respect me for coming out in the open. I have found friends who support me and understand me, fully knowing my problems.
There's nothing more wonderful than to be able to live without having to hide anything. I have no need to lie. I can be myself - fully, authentically myself. What freedom!
I wish this were possible for everyone!
Is this possible for you? Could you afford to me more open about your problems? How are you dealing with stigma?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Marathon blogger
My friend Isabella Mori just completed a gruelling 24-hour blogging marathon, posting every 30 minutes during that time. She did this to raise funds for the Canadian Mental Health Association (Burnaby-Vancouver Branch). In the process she ended up talking about my new book A Firm Place to Stand as well as other topics on the church and mental health.
If you're interested in how Isabella and her commenters dealt with the topic of the Christian faith and its response to mental illness check out these posts. They make for interesting reading:
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-2008-helping-people-with-mood-disorders/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-mental-health-support-in-churches/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-about-the-church-again/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-leaving-a-cult/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/mental-illness-stigma-in-churches-an-occasion-for-self-reflection/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/how-christian-churches-respond-to-people-with-mental-illness/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/mental-health-and-churches/
If you're interested in how Isabella and her commenters dealt with the topic of the Christian faith and its response to mental illness check out these posts. They make for interesting reading:
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-2008-helping-people-with-mood-disorders/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-mental-health-support-in-churches/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-about-the-church-again/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-leaving-a-cult/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/mental-illness-stigma-in-churches-an-occasion-for-self-reflection/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/how-christian-churches-respond-to-people-with-mental-illness/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/mental-health-and-churches/
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Being yourself
I happened upon a little quote tonight that a lot of you have probably heard before. But I can see so much truth in it, I thought I would share it here:
"Be who you are and say what you feel...
Because those that matter... don't mind...
And those that mind... don't matter."
I'm glad I have lots of people in my life with whom I can be who I am and to whom I can say what I feel and they don't mind. Such freedom to be able to be like that with people!
I used to have social phobia and worried about everything I said and what people thought of me. But no more. Today I feel free to be who I am. I'm so very grateful about that.
...just a little tidbit of a thought.
"Be who you are and say what you feel...
Because those that matter... don't mind...
And those that mind... don't matter."
I'm glad I have lots of people in my life with whom I can be who I am and to whom I can say what I feel and they don't mind. Such freedom to be able to be like that with people!
I used to have social phobia and worried about everything I said and what people thought of me. But no more. Today I feel free to be who I am. I'm so very grateful about that.
...just a little tidbit of a thought.
A life of significance
At Living Room yesterday we talked about a topic that was prompted by Erwin Raphael McManus's new book Wide Awake. We talked about what God made us to do. What happened to the dreams we had when we were young?
I was a bit worried about bringing up such a topic, knowing that for some of our members just trying to survive is an achievement. I had to be sensitive to where they were at. So I apologetically introduced this, telling the group I realized that it might be hard to think in these terms.
And indeed, as we started the session the eighteen or so people seated around the table just stared at me when I asked them if they had ever wondered why they're here - why God gave them this life. My heart sank.
But as I carried on the topic - about how the world needs us and how we are all called to serve the greater good - the group gradually started to come to life. We explored the many different ways in which we can contribute.
In McManus's words: "We need to live wide awake [and not just dream] because there are diseases killing millions and we need to find a cure, famines leaving multitudes starving and we need to provide food, economies leaving families homeless and we need to create opportunities for work and wealth, genocide that must be stopped, slavery that must be ended, water wells that must be dug, children who need to be loved, relationships that need to be healed, elderly who need to be cared for, beauty that needs to be created, futures that need to be saved, and dreams that we must not let die or go unfulfilled."
And when you think of those times when you're not well - depressed perhaps - you should realize that "there is never a point in your life where you lack value or significance. There's always something for you to contribute."
In the end the meeting turned out well. Many contributed to the discussion, talking about how they have benefited from doing volunteer work, from helping others. We talked about how good it is to wake up in the morning with a purpose in mind. We talked about how living for this purpose is healing to us, especially when the focus is on others.
What do you love to get up to do? How do the activities you do for the greater good contribute to your wellness?
I was a bit worried about bringing up such a topic, knowing that for some of our members just trying to survive is an achievement. I had to be sensitive to where they were at. So I apologetically introduced this, telling the group I realized that it might be hard to think in these terms.
And indeed, as we started the session the eighteen or so people seated around the table just stared at me when I asked them if they had ever wondered why they're here - why God gave them this life. My heart sank.
But as I carried on the topic - about how the world needs us and how we are all called to serve the greater good - the group gradually started to come to life. We explored the many different ways in which we can contribute.
In McManus's words: "We need to live wide awake [and not just dream] because there are diseases killing millions and we need to find a cure, famines leaving multitudes starving and we need to provide food, economies leaving families homeless and we need to create opportunities for work and wealth, genocide that must be stopped, slavery that must be ended, water wells that must be dug, children who need to be loved, relationships that need to be healed, elderly who need to be cared for, beauty that needs to be created, futures that need to be saved, and dreams that we must not let die or go unfulfilled."
And when you think of those times when you're not well - depressed perhaps - you should realize that "there is never a point in your life where you lack value or significance. There's always something for you to contribute."
In the end the meeting turned out well. Many contributed to the discussion, talking about how they have benefited from doing volunteer work, from helping others. We talked about how good it is to wake up in the morning with a purpose in mind. We talked about how living for this purpose is healing to us, especially when the focus is on others.
What do you love to get up to do? How do the activities you do for the greater good contribute to your wellness?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Such happiness!
What do you do when you're so happy that, waking up at 3:30 in the morning, you can't get back to sleep again? This happened Sunday morning. I was too happy to sleep. I felt like there was something I should do with such happiness. Dance or something. But I mostly just sat around...feeling that flood of good feelings - not able to do a thing with it.
The reason for this great joy was the party on Saturday. It turned out beautifully. Seventy of my friends and acquaintance gathered in our yard to celebrate the launch of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand. The weather was beautiful, the food was great, the garden was full of flowers, and everyone was happy.
There were people who I had supported through hard times. And it was so neat to have them here for this occasion. So good to see them doing better. People from my church came, from my writer's group, from Living Room, family members, neighbors and old friends. A couple of people from the Mood Disorders Association of BC came as well.
I was so fortunate to have friends helping me with this big event. My daughter-in-law Jeannette, a cook who loves to experiment made some very interesting appetizers, including dates stuffed with goat cheese. My friend Cita made a variety of hot appetizers and sold books for me. And I don't know what I would have done without my friend Helen. She made sure the food tables were always well stocked and was on her feet through the entire event. Cita's and Helen's husbands and my husband worked hard the day before putting up seven canopies. What a lot of support I received!
Now - in the words of my friend Helen - a new chapter of my life will begin. I will need to promote the book, using it to encourage Christians who have mental illness and to get the word out about the importance of faith-based support. It's time to get to work trying to make a further dent in the stigma that exists - my focus the Christian church.
The reason for this great joy was the party on Saturday. It turned out beautifully. Seventy of my friends and acquaintance gathered in our yard to celebrate the launch of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand. The weather was beautiful, the food was great, the garden was full of flowers, and everyone was happy.
There were people who I had supported through hard times. And it was so neat to have them here for this occasion. So good to see them doing better. People from my church came, from my writer's group, from Living Room, family members, neighbors and old friends. A couple of people from the Mood Disorders Association of BC came as well.
I was so fortunate to have friends helping me with this big event. My daughter-in-law Jeannette, a cook who loves to experiment made some very interesting appetizers, including dates stuffed with goat cheese. My friend Cita made a variety of hot appetizers and sold books for me. And I don't know what I would have done without my friend Helen. She made sure the food tables were always well stocked and was on her feet through the entire event. Cita's and Helen's husbands and my husband worked hard the day before putting up seven canopies. What a lot of support I received!
Now - in the words of my friend Helen - a new chapter of my life will begin. I will need to promote the book, using it to encourage Christians who have mental illness and to get the word out about the importance of faith-based support. It's time to get to work trying to make a further dent in the stigma that exists - my focus the Christian church.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
For Jena
A couple of days ago I visited Jena in hospital. I had for a long time been wanting her to play the piano for me - because I love piano music and because I heard her play one of her songs before and it was beautiful - original - soulful.She couldn't imagine why I would want her to play for me - doesn't think her music is that good. But I wanted to hear what would come out of her, knowing the creative mood she's in, knowing that she plays from the heart - not music written by others, but her very own music.
Jena is self-conscious about playing, so we turned the lights off and she played in the dark. She played - not anything she had spent time composing - simply whatever came to her. And it was truly beautiful. She is an excellent pianist and a very creative composer. Her playing did something for me. It made me feel like I needed to do something creative too. Haven't done that for so long!
One advantage to being bipolar is that this disorder and the strong moods that come with it often make us very creative people. This is particularly true for Jena right now. She's trying her hand at painting, eager to learn about mixing colors. She's keeping a collage journal. And she's writing. Such a lot to get out right now - such a lot of feelings to give expression to!
Those of us who know Jena - in real life and from her blog - need to pray that she will find stability so her life won't be so difficult. We need to pray that her doctor will find an answer for her.
Jena asked me to post one of the watercolors I've done. I think I posted this before, but it was a long time ago. I don't think any of you will remember. This is a Dutch street scene, taken from a painting my dad did years ago. Different from his in that I drew it first with India ink, but the same composition.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
New website
Last night my new website went live. I hope you'll have a look at www.marjabergen.com. It's only a single page, however it was amazing how much went into it. I'm very grateful to my son Cornelius and his wife Jeannette of Matchbox Creative for designing it. They make a talented team. Jeannette is a great designer and Cornie is a clever programmer.
Thing about creating such a thing is all the information that you need to make sure it's perfect. The research into what I needed to charge for shipping alone took half a day to do. Trying to find the best way to ship something is not as straight forward as one would think. And the costs are much more than one would think they should be.
Cornie was wonderful helping me figure out what was most important to put on the site. And Jeannette had the great idea to create an eblast to send to everyone I know. This announces the new book and alerts people to the website.
How fortunate I am to have such talented children who care so much about what I'm doing!
The launch of A Firm Place to Stand is only three days away. I'm excited but holding together. If you remember, could you offer up a prayer for me now and then?
Thing about creating such a thing is all the information that you need to make sure it's perfect. The research into what I needed to charge for shipping alone took half a day to do. Trying to find the best way to ship something is not as straight forward as one would think. And the costs are much more than one would think they should be.
Cornie was wonderful helping me figure out what was most important to put on the site. And Jeannette had the great idea to create an eblast to send to everyone I know. This announces the new book and alerts people to the website.
How fortunate I am to have such talented children who care so much about what I'm doing!
The launch of A Firm Place to Stand is only three days away. I'm excited but holding together. If you remember, could you offer up a prayer for me now and then?
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Big party coming
It has been so long since I wrote here. I'm afraid my lazy blogging habits are starting to become a regular thing. Wish it weren't so, because blogging has always been so important to me. But life has been very complex...yet isn't it for everyone?
In a week from today I'll be having my book launch for A Firm Place to Stand. We're planning a big party in the garden, hoping the weather will co-operate. I've lost track of the number of people I've invited but sixty have confirmed so far. Many yet to hear from. Weather had better be good, eh? Fitting sixty or more people into my house would be an impossibility, unless we put some in the bedrooms and others in the laundry room :) (just kidding)
I've had some stress to deal with, though, and the stress still continues somewhat. There is a slight possibility the books won't get here in time. Though they're due to arrive on the 17th, they have to cross the border and there's always a possibility they'll get held up there. Another 50 have been sent as a rush, the publisher spending a lot to send them that way. Hopefully they will at least arrive.
I do have one copy in hand and it's beautiful. I'm very happy with how it turned out. Now I can't wait to have people read it.
I did get a huge kick showing the book to my 94-year-old mother and watching as she read what I had written about her. Her eyesight is failing, yet the typesetting is so clear and easy to read that she had no trouble with it. I'll always remember how her eyes traveled across the page, her face intent. Should have taken a picture.
My son Cornelius and his wife Jeannette, the talents behind Matchbox Creative, have done a wonderful job designing an eblast which I will send out next week to those of you I have email addresses for. It will announce the book and link you to my new website, where you'll see how you can order your copy.
Now I have much to get ready for the big day. Today I wrote down the things I wanted to say. No doubt I'll want to edit over the next few days.
There will be a great mix of people at the party, a very exciting thing to look forward to: my psychiatrist, a few other mental health workers, members from my writing group, people from my church, many members of Living Room, neighbors, family and friends. Children are welcome and will be supervised in painting a mural. Someone might even be making balloon animals for them. What a happy day it will be!
Now all we need is a sunny day. Please pray for us.
In a week from today I'll be having my book launch for A Firm Place to Stand. We're planning a big party in the garden, hoping the weather will co-operate. I've lost track of the number of people I've invited but sixty have confirmed so far. Many yet to hear from. Weather had better be good, eh? Fitting sixty or more people into my house would be an impossibility, unless we put some in the bedrooms and others in the laundry room :) (just kidding)
I've had some stress to deal with, though, and the stress still continues somewhat. There is a slight possibility the books won't get here in time. Though they're due to arrive on the 17th, they have to cross the border and there's always a possibility they'll get held up there. Another 50 have been sent as a rush, the publisher spending a lot to send them that way. Hopefully they will at least arrive.
I do have one copy in hand and it's beautiful. I'm very happy with how it turned out. Now I can't wait to have people read it.
I did get a huge kick showing the book to my 94-year-old mother and watching as she read what I had written about her. Her eyesight is failing, yet the typesetting is so clear and easy to read that she had no trouble with it. I'll always remember how her eyes traveled across the page, her face intent. Should have taken a picture.
My son Cornelius and his wife Jeannette, the talents behind Matchbox Creative, have done a wonderful job designing an eblast which I will send out next week to those of you I have email addresses for. It will announce the book and link you to my new website, where you'll see how you can order your copy.
Now I have much to get ready for the big day. Today I wrote down the things I wanted to say. No doubt I'll want to edit over the next few days.
There will be a great mix of people at the party, a very exciting thing to look forward to: my psychiatrist, a few other mental health workers, members from my writing group, people from my church, many members of Living Room, neighbors, family and friends. Children are welcome and will be supervised in painting a mural. Someone might even be making balloon animals for them. What a happy day it will be!
Now all we need is a sunny day. Please pray for us.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Hard to believe
It's hard to believe how my mental health has improved over the years. Amazing how far I have come!
The friends from my current church who have known me for four or five years think I've made great strides since they got to know me. But they didn't know me in the years before that. They have no idea how much improvement I've made!
I recall the time I became angry at my husband at a park. I yelled and screamed at him, making a huge scene. And I wouldn't let up. I used to yell and scream a lot.
I recall months in a mental hospital, not able to speak - delusional, paranoid, (more than I can talk about here). Going through a series of electro-convulsive shock treatments. Twenty years of living with a diagnosis of schizophrenia when it was later found that I had type 1 bipolar disorder.
I recall weeks and months spent in my bedroom, either in deep depression or psychotic.
I recall going to the church every day for some little thing or just to hang out. At one point the secretary even lost her temper with me, letting me know that they had work to do and I was in the way.
I recall doing odd things, behaving oddly, saying odd things, being awkward socially, getting into embarrassing situations.
Today I can honestly say I have been healed...to a high degree anyway. I feel like a normal person - stable, content and at peace. There are a lot of exciting things happening in my life right now: A Firm Place to Stand ready for release with a big book launch planned, my Living Room doing well with three new groups being established in the fall (one of them all the way in New Zealand). Yet I feel calm - not high in the slightest degree - at peace with it all.
Yes I've found healing. I still have bipolar disorder and I'm sure I'll have more mood disturbances, yet to a large degree I've found wellness and normality.
What's making me so well?
The friends from my current church who have known me for four or five years think I've made great strides since they got to know me. But they didn't know me in the years before that. They have no idea how much improvement I've made!
I recall the time I became angry at my husband at a park. I yelled and screamed at him, making a huge scene. And I wouldn't let up. I used to yell and scream a lot.
I recall months in a mental hospital, not able to speak - delusional, paranoid, (more than I can talk about here). Going through a series of electro-convulsive shock treatments. Twenty years of living with a diagnosis of schizophrenia when it was later found that I had type 1 bipolar disorder.
I recall weeks and months spent in my bedroom, either in deep depression or psychotic.
I recall going to the church every day for some little thing or just to hang out. At one point the secretary even lost her temper with me, letting me know that they had work to do and I was in the way.
I recall doing odd things, behaving oddly, saying odd things, being awkward socially, getting into embarrassing situations.
Today I can honestly say I have been healed...to a high degree anyway. I feel like a normal person - stable, content and at peace. There are a lot of exciting things happening in my life right now: A Firm Place to Stand ready for release with a big book launch planned, my Living Room doing well with three new groups being established in the fall (one of them all the way in New Zealand). Yet I feel calm - not high in the slightest degree - at peace with it all.
Yes I've found healing. I still have bipolar disorder and I'm sure I'll have more mood disturbances, yet to a large degree I've found wellness and normality.
What's making me so well?
- a good concoction of medications,
- the support of loving friends,
- my faith in a God who I can trust and who I know loves me,
- spending a couple of hours in the early morning, meditating, journaling, reading, praying,
- living to my best ability the kind of life Jesus modelled - which mostly consists of simply loving others,
- finding a purpose worth living for - ie, supporting others who suffer as I have in the past and dispelling the stigma towards mental illness in the church,
- helping others learn about God's love for them.
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