Distractions and uncertainties

Wow, have I been wanting to write here! But the time never seemed to be right. There have been so many distractions in my life keeping me from doing the reading and writing I would just love to do. Yet, I have been photographing. And that's good.

The photography has been good relief from all the heavy stuff that has been happening for me lately. The pictures here were taken at our church picnic a week ago. I've come to look on photography as a form of worship. So glad I've been able to focus a bit on that in the midst of the troubles and uncertainties I presently live with!

My mother is still in hospital, so we are still uncertain as to when we can take a break away or whether we'll be able to get away at all. Last Tuesday was especially difficult. While my husband and I visited her she had a heart attack - mild, but I could see we almost lost her. Things turned out ok though. She recovered and today she is perky, crocheting in her bed and wanting very much to go home.

That same Tuesday two other close friends were admitted to the same hospital. Thank goodness, though. One was sent home yesterday. And the other one is doing delightfully better.

On top of all these happenings, I went to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit on Thursday and Friday. Such a wonderful event! I learned so much! Though I must say it was an awful lot to take in. One of the speakers said it was "like drinking from a fire hydrant." That's one reason I played hookey Thursday afternoon. Another reason I skipped out was that I was fed so much good stuff Thursday morning that I needed to go home and digest it and journal about it.

The topics I found so useful were on team building and casting vision. I so need to try harder passing along the passion I have for Living Room to the people I'd like to work with. Because yes, I am trying to build a team to help me with the broader work of Living Room - the work outside my own group that meets at my church. In September Living Room will have its fifth anniversary and I have for a long time very much needed a team, built of people from my church, to help me carry the vision forward in a stronger way.

But right now it's summertime. And I need to take some time to relax and read. Time to get my mind away from Living Room. Time for myself.

Today I pray to God that I will be able to discipline myself to quieten myself and spend some time reading and focusing on Him.

Mom

It's 3:30 in the morning and I am wide awake, ready for the day. Wow has my sleep cycle ever gone awry! I've been going to sleep earlier and earlier and waking up increasingly earlier. Yesterday morning it was 4:00. This morning before 3:30. And yet, I feel that I'm getting enough sleep. It's only in the evening that I start fading.

This morning I awoke thinking of my mom. She has been in hospital for a week now with congestive heart failure. The seriousness of this is starting to sink in. She continues to have chest pain and shortness of breath.

Mom will probably never be as able to look after herself as she has. She will probably have a lot of trouble walking and be in need of someone to help her go to the bathroom and get dressed. And yet, when I visited her yesterday, her spirit was still all there. She was a delight to visit. And she is still crocheting - even in her hospital bed.

The truth is starting to sink in. Mom probably won't live long with this condition. Prognosis is poor for people of any age. And for a 96-year-old it must be so much worse. But I must talk to her doctor about this. Maybe today if he's available.

So glad Living Room is having a break this month. When I planned to take a break I didn't know all this stuff with Mom was going to happen. God must have known I would need the break and led me. And I need to let Him keep leading me.

Just don't know now what will happen with our holiday to the Chilcotin. We long for it so much. But Mom will have to be stable if we are to go. And I don't know if I would want to leave if she were still in the hospital. Don't think I'd enjoy myself. I'd just worry. It probably wouldn't be the responsible thing to do.

After church today there will be a picnic in the park across the street. I look forward to that. Will bring my camera and photograph all the children. I've been wanting to do that for a long while. This would be a good opportunity.

And yet I'm feeling a sadness. Guess that's understandable and okay. I look forward to the light breaking outside so I can go sit out there. It's always healing to spend time on the patio - time with God.

The picture is one I took of my mom and dad many years ago. It's an accurate reflection of their spirit and good sense of humour. That spirit is still alive in Mom now and how I appreciate it! And how I will miss her when she's gone!

Daisies galore

Yesterday morning I sat once more on the patio in my muskoka chair enjoying my delicious quiet time as the day broke. Waiting - my camera ready - for the sun to rise over the cedars to illuminate the daisies. Hoping that I would be able to capture the little finches - or whatever those little birds are that have been coming around - as they played amongst those flowers I love so much.

But alas, all that came was a hummingbird, buzzing for a moment by the fuschias. And then, lo and behold, a raccoon came down out of the cedars, walking towards me. I managed a quick shot of it.

Later, while I was on my third mug of coffee, the light on the daisies was good and I was able to shoot them at their best. They're wonderful, even if there aren't any little birds playing amongst them. Such a clean beauty - such free flowers - such an expression of joy.


I'm so grateful for this peaceful morning time - time to enjoy God's creation and experience His presence.

On a not-so-wonderful note: My 96-year-old mother is in hospital, probably with a blood clot in her lungs. Also a heart problem. Our holiday is cancelled and life has become a bit strange. A focus on Mom while trying to enjoy some rest, even if we can't go away.

Yet I'm thankful for these quiet times. Thankful for the joy my daisies bring.

Chickadees in the daisies

A wonderful morning quiet time on the patio this has been - lots of time to think and pray. But in future I must keep my camera handy as I sit out there. This morning a flock of chickadees came by, spending quite a bit of time in the Shasta daisies just a few feet away from where I sat. What pictures that would have made! Little birds in the midst of my favourite flowers.

I've been doing a lot of praying about next week's holiday we were planning with our motorhome. Don't know if it can happen. My mother has come down with the flu - bad news for a 96-year-old. Pretty hard to go far away, so far out of reach of her.

Other things are happening. We had our cat Max in to the vet a couple of days ago for tests. He has all the symptoms of diabetes. If that's what it is, we may end up being tied down more than ever. Imagine having to give him insulin shots daily! And our neighbour, who usually looks after him when we're gone, would not be able to do this. My husband and I are the only ones who can really get close to him. We should find out the test results today.

Besides all this, there are at least three friends who are needing a bit of care. I'd really like to help two of them out with a pot of soup or something. Would have liked to do this earlier, but I just didn't have the time. And one of them I worry about and feel I need to stay close to right now.

Ah, but how I looked forward to going to the Chilcotin! It's a special place for us. Quiet. Very few people. Good fishing for Wes and wonderful quiet times for me. I looked forward to lots of uninterrupted reading. Time with God and with my husband. We needed that time.

This morning, though, I thought of a park close to town where we could alternatively go for a few days. We could be close to Mom and keep tab on her daily. Golden Ears Park is beautiful, with lots of good hiking trails. Maybe this is where God wants us to go for now. We'll see.

Today is a Living Room day. Thank God I haven't had too much to do to prepare. Mark, my co-facilitator will lead the devotional time. So good to have him as a partner. Not that I don't like doing devotionals. It's a blessing to do so. But things have been terribly busy and it has been good to have someone else do the preparation instead of me.

Today's meeting will be the last of the summer. We will take August off to rest and relax.

The picture? My husband Wes at a lake in the Chilcotin. Note the loon in the background. I just love the cry of the loon in the stillness.

Out on a limb

Oh, do I ever want to share Pastor Don's sermon about Zacchaeus with you today! At least parts of the very meaty, inspiring, Spirit-filled message that came through to me yesterday. I've been trying to transcribe bits of the sermon which is online in its entirety for you to listen to right here. Yes, I've been trying to transcribe, but it's so hard. There's just too much good stuff and transcribing word by word is hard. I'll zero in on a wee bit though:

You all know the story, I'm sure. Zacchaeus, the short, greedy and rich tax collector, in a very undignified manner climbed a tree so he could have a look at Jesus passing by. He was curious to see this person who seemed to like people like him - people who had been rejected by others. I think he must have had a deep longing for someone who would love and accept him.

To his surprise, Jesus looked up and said to him, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." (Luke 19:5) In Pastor Don's words, "It turns out that, while Zacchaeus was on a quest to see Jesus he discovers that Jesus is on a quest to find him." Yes that's exactly the way God works, isn't it? I've found it out in my own life. When we seek God, we'll always find Him, because He's actually seeking us as well. And how good that feels! To know that we mean so much to God that - though the world is filled with such multitudes of people, we are special enough to God that He seeks us out.

Pastor Don continues: "All around us people are seeking - searching for something. They have tried different things but nothing is working for them. They haven't rejected Jesus; they've rejected the legalistic religion in the church. If they would just meet someone who is a follower of Christ who would see them the way Jesus sees them, not wanting to just dump a bunch of religion on them! [but just listen to them.]"

"Contrast how the people in the crowd saw Zacchaeus and how Jesus saw him. When Jesus sees us he sees someone different than what we see. If we would only see ourselves the way Jesus see us, our lives would be instantly transformed." and "If we would only see others the way Jesus sees us! Jesus invites us to see people in the way he sees them. He sees people of great value and great worth."

So good - isn't it? to know God loves us so much. So good to know we can pass on that love to others.

If this seems kind of piecemeal, I'm sorry. Might be best if you listen to the entire sermon. Grab a cup of coffee and enjoy.

Honestly speaking

I was thinking of sitting down with my journal - my black book journal - tonight. I have so much happening inside me. So much I need to process. And then I thought, why not journal in my blog tonight? Why not be honest in my blog, even if it's a guarded honesty?

Today I happened to look back at some of my posts from years ago, from those times when Living Room was a fledgling group, totally unaware of where it would end up. And boy was I honest. Refreshingly so. I don't know what has happened with my blogging. It has become hard to know what to share and what not to share. I guess that's why I've come to do so little of it, while years ago I posted almost every day. I wish I could be that person again. What has happened to me?

I suspect that it has something to do with Living Room having become so well known. I want to keep some of what's happening quiet. Telling you all the tough stuff I deal with as a result of it might not be such a good thing. Would you lose confidence in me, its leader? And telling you all the good stuff would be like I was tooting my own horn.

Yes, I have far more responsibilities weighing on me than I did years ago. I don't feel as free. There's a big work connected to me now. I think it has changed me somewhat.

And yet I am the same person I was in that I have a mood disorder that at times makes me a very needy person. Just over the last while I've had to struggle again with realizing that I've become too self-centered, complaining to a friend about how overwhelmed I felt and the stress it was causing. I wanted mothering. I wanted compassion. But I did not remember that she herself has a lot on her plate too. I need to be there for her too.

That kind of self-centeredness - that overconcern about myself - crops up far too often. But it's a common symptom of our illness, isn't it, both when we're high and when we're low. Yet I know I need to fight it. I learned long ago how thinking of others' needs ahead of my own can be a source of healing. And I must tap into that.

So, today I was in pain. Remorseful for how I had complained to someone who never complains but carries her load with and eager courage, trusting that God will help her. How I need to learn from her!

This friend used to have a role of caregiver for me, mothering me when I needed mothering - something that happened often. But I've grown up a lot and she no longer mothers me in the same way. I don't need her in the same way. She has come to expect me to be a more mature friend, a friend with whom she can share equally. In her eyes I'm not as much a victim as I used to be, but a conqueror. I should be happy about that and accept that role, no matter how weak I may at times feel. And, like her, I need to trust that God will fill my needs and help me with my workload. After all it's His work I'm doing - not my own. It's God who is actually doing the work. All I'm called to be is a foot soldier for Him.

...and maybe I should pray more when I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe I should remember to start each day by giving it all to Him.

The photo? A little girl on a balcony in a village on the island of Naxos in Greece. Cute, eh? I love that hair.

Comforted

Crazy how you can make a little thing into something so big that it threatens to take you down into depression, eh? The feeling of rejection I talked about a few posts ago caused recurring pain. I think because I was focusing on it so much instead of forgetting it and moving on. But I was preparing a devotional for Living Room on the topic and was analyzing the topic to bits - hanging on, trying to learn from it, when perhaps I should have, for my own good health, shrugged it off.

But I didn't shrug it off. I hung onto the source of the pain and it kept hurting. I studied the why and the wherefore, especially for those of us who live with mental illness. I tried to understand what to do with the pain so I could pass what I learned on to my group on Friday. I also talked about how to escape the pain, to avoid having it take us down into depression. And we talked about how we can live so that we avoid the feeling of rejection.

The pain kept coming back as I focused on the problem. Finally, a talk with my pastor Don resolved the issue for me. He told me some things which comforted me greatly. I shared his words with the group and I will share them here with you:

"Be who you are, who God made you to be, and know who you are in His eyes. You are a person of great value and worth to God...ultimately what matters most is not what I think, or even what you think or others, but what God thinks. His first and continual and last thoughts of us are overflowing with love and grace."

What comfort those words gave me!! And this truth is what I passed on to the group at various intervals. Yes, we need to live our lives knowing who we are in God's eyes and be strengthened in that knowledge. Then rejection won't affect us so powerfully.

The photograph? I took it many years ago. It means a lot to me because I identify with the little girl. God comforts us like that if we go to Him, doesn't He?

Cats

Just want to share a picture. No further grand theme to this post. Just want to touch base with bloggerland. There are a lot of stray cats wandering around in the Greek islands - most of them pretty mangy. This guy was begging for some tuna from the sandwich I was eating. I couldn't resist sharing some with him.

My mood? Getting over some decidedly low times last week. Strange, I had no problems in Greece. I think being in a lot of social situations like I tend to be here at home causes problems for me sometimes. I'm just too sensitive. And yet I love being around people. It's important to me to be around my friends. Go figure.

Morning has broken

An amazing answer to prayer: My friend in hospital has improved by leaps and bounds. Two days ago she wasn't allowed her clothes because she was still so suicidal. Today she will probably be allowed an accompanied pass, meaning she can leave the hospital if she has someone with her.

Her spirit is so up. She is so grateful, praising God. She delights me so much and gives me such joy.

The day after she turned around so well I was sitting in my favourite chair on the patio having my quiet time, feeling very grateful. I noticed the sun shining on our hanging fushchia basket. I noticed how it illuminated one of the blossoms beautifully and decided to photograph it. As I was shooting a few pictures, a bee flew into the frame. How special that bee made the picture! It takes the picture from being an ordinary picture of a flower to being something a bit more special. God's work, eh?

That very day I made a bookmark from it for my friend, a bookmark celebrating her turning from darkness to light. "Morning has broken."

I'm praising God this morning. He is so good. He answers prayer.



To read more Thankful Thursday blogposts visit Lynn.

Feelings of rejection

Do you think that people with mental illness feel rejected more than those who do not deal with such illnesses? What I'm talking about is a feeling of rejection from a group that in general aren't harboring stigma. I believe very much that they do, though a friend of mine doesn't understand that. She says that everyone suffers feelings of rejection sometimes.

I belong to a loving, accepting church, and yet I often find myself going home with a cold, awful feeling. A feeling of having been ignored or rejected. I'm sure much of this is only a perceived feeling. I'm sure people at church would be quite surprised that I would feel that way. These feelings often trigger a depression that takes a while to get over.

Is it me? Is this the lot of people who live with mental illness? Is it easier for us to feel rejected? Perhaps due to having an illness that is generally stigmatized? Perhaps due to our oversensitivity and insecurity?

A friend of mine is in hospital. I've talked about her in previous posts. One of the major triggers for this episode was her perception that she was being ignored at church, excluded, rejected. She had needed someone to connect with her in a real way. She told me that all she had needed was a hug. A friend told me that someone had talked to her. Yet apparently that wasn't enough to dissolve her feelings of aloneness. She was a really needy person that day.

I wouldn't fault anyone though. How are people to know of her need? Perhaps all they saw was a withdrawn person who didn't seem to want to talk. Someone who was hard to approach. How are they to know what's going on inside her?

I want to bring this topic for discussion at the next Living Room meeting. Do others experience this? How does it make them feel? What do they think causes it?

And we need to search out what we can do about these feelings. The important thing we need to remember is who we are in God's eyes. I think part of our problem is an insecurity. We need to learn to be secure in the knowledge of God's love...and secure in the knowledge that God's people do love us, even though they don't always understand our needs.



Yet another photo from the Greek island of Paros. The colours we see everywhere - blue and white.

Peaceful morning

I'm thankful to God for the wonderful peaceful morning I had today. I got outside at 5:15. It was still a wee bit dark, but not too dark to journal or read. Such a wonderful place to sit, under the canopy, with the green garden all around me and the birds singing. How God has blessed us with this home!

Thank God for my friend's life. She struggles so much and almost died a few days because she couldn't bear her life anymore. But you God sent a lady, an angel, to speak to her and to remind her that there are people who love her. And I do so love her. She feels like she's a bad person, and yet I know her to be so good and kind. Thank you, God, that I can be there for her as she works through her depression. I'm thankful for her faith in you and how we can talk together about your love.

Thank you, God, for another friend, L, who just emailed to let me know she's thinking of me and praying for me. She pointed me to Isaiah 61, asking me if I had read that lately. I will have to do that. So precious to have friends who will share like that with me.

Tomorrow we have a Living Room meeting. We'll talk about our tendency to worry - our tendency to forget about God's presence. How can we stay close to God and trust Him so that we don't need to worry so much? We'll look to God together.

The photo? Another little taste of the Greek islands for you. It's fun to share.



Thankful Thursday is hosted by iris. You might want to visit her and visit the links to others' expressions of gratitude.

Hope you all have a happy, peaceful day as you work and play.

Thankful on Friday

Just before going on holidays I agreed with my friend Nancie from More than Conquerors that I would try to take part in Thankful Thursdays - something many are doing - setting apart one day each week to truly focus on all I'm thankful for.

Now I'm back, and I've already missed a Thursday. That's because I was too busy doing something I'm thankful for to even think of blogging. So this week I will post my gratitude on Friday, one day late. Better than not at all, eh?

What I'm really thankful for is that God created us to be creative people. I've received such joy from doing photography again and I know it's something I mustn't let go. Yesterday I worked almost non-stop, preparing my pictures to show on a digital frame. I was selecting, cropping, adjusting, and re-sizing. I was so happy to see that there were a lot more good ones than I thought I'd have. I've still got it in me.

I like reading in Genesis how God created the earth and everything in it. I like reading how He saw "that it was good." And what joy that must have given Him. If creating a few images gives me joy, imagine how great His joy must have been!

I attributed my good mood while we were in Greece to the bright sunlight and to not having any stresses to worry about. But when I think of it, I think a lot of it was also the focusing on photography that made me feel so well. And I can see how I mustn't let it go so long again.

I want to photograph children again. I really need to set aside some time to do that. My play-time - my non-mental-health-work time.

I will continue posting some of the pictures I took in Greece. Simply because it's fun to share. What's the good of doing all that work if I'm going to hide it, eh?

The above picture is a street in one of the villages we visited. There was so much wonderful texture in the walls - so much old stuff. And many many cats.



To read more Thankful Thursday visit Iris.

One little pill - abilify

For the first time in years my pdoc is changing my antipsychotic medication to something different. Reason? Tremors that have been bothering me for years. And the fact that I'm on two antipsychotics. He's uncomfortable about that, thinking he's over-medicating me. Perhaps with the abilify he's now putting me on I can make do with only one.

So this morning I started. I took one small dose of abilify and reduced the old med a little. Trouble is, I've had an uncomfortable stomach all day and am pretty sure that one little pill is the culprit. One little pill giving so much discomfort!

But I need to give this a good shot. Guess I'll have to live with the discomfort for awhile and see if my body will adjust.

Anyone else out there had experience with abilify?

My picture? The base of an old church on the island of Paros.

Back to work

We've been home from Greece for four days now. Good to be back. But I'm still handicapped by jetlag. Last night I slept from 10:30pm to 3pm. Just not enough sleep. It's been like that ever since we returned.

I'm happy to be back in my work. Happy to have been able to attend Living Room on Friday.

My mood has completely levelled off and I think I need to thank Greece for that. The light was so bright. And I had nothing to think about but wandering through the white-washed streets with my camera and eating and drinking in the outdoor restaurants. The food, by the way, was wonderful. Such variety!

But it's good too to be back to my work. I can only go so long without purpose in my life. I do love to care for people and to make Living Room things happen. Living Room is exciting. So many people coming to believe in it and wanting to start their own group.

While I was away I read a book that drew my attention to Isaiah 28:16. And it so much speaks to what Living Room should be built on:

I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem. It is firm, a tested and precious cornerstone that is safe to build on.

I've had this in mind all along, but somehow the way this verse is worded defines it so very clearly. Jesus is the foundation stone of Living Room. That foundation is firm, a tested and precious cornerstone that is safe to build on.

I hope to start posting more regularly in the next while. That will also give me an opportunity to share some of my pictures from Greece, as I do here. One of our favourite things to photograph were the many arches. This is a typical Cyclades street scene, one of hundreds we photographed.

Hello from Greece

Hi everyone,

We're almost finished our holiday in Greece. I've really enjoyed our time, especially the photography. But now I'm starting to long for home. Things I want to do. I've even started making a list of all the things I want to do when I get home. I know I'll be so overwhelmed when I get home, and making a list now will help me keep focused on what's most important.

I'm posting a couple of pictures I took, as well as one my husband took of me. Just to give you a taste of some of the things we saw.

I look forward to getting back into the swing of real life. I really need more purpose in this life - some work. Am I nuts? Do you think so?

Greece looming

My mood at the present is ok, though somewhat anxious because on Friday we leave for Greece. Although I'm looking forward to spending time on two of the islands, it's scary because of all the unrest there. On Thursday another general strike is planned and there are fears of more riots. We'll be spending the night in Athens, and I hope and pray there will be no disruptions while we're there. There are also more strikes planned for June and we won't be coming home till June 10th. Our travels could be affected.

So I'm in worry mode. My husband says I seem depressed again. Well, I did have two good days. I guess - judging by my pattern lately - I'm due for another low.

Thursday was bad, to the point of me wondering whether I could be trusted to carry out my responsibilities. I'm trusting God as the Bible says I should. I'm trying to model myself after David in his Psalms - those Psalms I've been reading so much lately. But to what extent can trusting God heal me? At what point am I going to have to say, I'm no longer able to live up to the expectations I've had of myself?

So many people lose their jobs because of this illness. Is it ever going to get to the point when I can no longer handle what I do? I pray not, God. That would be like dying for me. I love this work You've given me to do. Life without it would be meaningless.

Yes, these awful thoughts were going through my head last Thursday. Fortunately I got lots of help with Living Room on Friday. All I had to do was the devotional time. Topic - "And I will yet praise Him." That was a topic close to my heart. I was able to speak passionately about it. Because, yes, I do praise God. In spite of everything, I praise Him.

No matter what happens to me I pray that I'll be able to find it in me to praise God. To thank Him for all He's given me. To thank Him for His great love. To thank Him for my precious friends who encourage me so well to keep following Him. To put my hand in His and walk beside Him, trusting.

I'm also thankful for some of the new help I've been able to get with Living Room. A new, gifted co-facilitator as well as someone to help with the lunches. Another person who has been coming is proving herself to be a good leader - a new talent we discovered in her. Yes, God is providing me with what I need. Why should I fear?



What are you thankful for today? Thankful Thursday is hosted by Laurie at Women Taking a Stand. Thanks, Laurie! Do visit the other participants and be encouraged by their thanksgiving to God too.

The good in rapid cycling

You know, I'd rather be into rapid cycling than in a solid depression, as I was at this time last year. The lows I go through now only last a few hours. The depression only got alarmingly low one day. That was followed by a high the next day, after some prayer time with a friend. Most of the time the low mood is just an unmotivated feeling. And yet, even though I know now that it won't last long, the feeling of hopelessness still crops up. When I get low I still can't imagine feeling good again. And when I feel good, as I do this morning, I can't imagine returning to a low.

Now that I know I can expect to rapid cycle for a while longer until I stabilize, I'm learning that I need to take advantage of my good moods. I need to use those good times to get things done around the house. That's when I need to make the more complicated meals, leaving the simple stuff from Costco for the low times.

Over these past few months of rapid cycling I've had some spiritually inspired times and I've had some very creative times. I've been able to offer support in - what is perhaps - a more sympathetic way than usual. After all, depression is never far from me. I well know how it feels. And the creative work has been such a blessing. I find comfort in it. I'm consoled by it. And the bookmarks are finding their way to people who need to hear the messages they convey.

Yes, even during times of such instability, I have a lot to be thankful for, don't I?

This morning I awoke at 4:30 in an up mood. By 7:00 I had cleaned up a very messy kitchen, something that I hadn't been able to motivate myself to do for days. Then I sat outside in the sun for awhile, searching for a Bible verse I wanted to use for my next bookmark. A wonderful time that was. Don't the birds sing beautifully in the spring? Now I've looked through some pictures, searching for a slide I have in mind that I want to marry with that verse. In the process I found a lot of other pictures that would make good bookmarks.

I'm including one of my recent bookmarks here. The subject is Cosmos, one of my favourite flowers. It felt good to express the way I feel about that flower in this way.

So that's what's happening!!

I saw my pdoc today and he told me that I'm rapid cycling. So that's it! The moods I've been experiencing lately have not been normal for me. I'm usually much more stable, much more able to cope.

I'm feeling fine right now though. As long as I have the opportunity to work on my creative projects.

But tomorrow I will undergo a medication increase. More anti-depressant and more anti-psychotic. And we'll hope and pray that this will do the trick and get me back to a more level me.

It's just a relief to know that this is not the regular me. That the way I have been is not the way I always have to be. A relief to know that all the complaining I've felt kind of ashamed of airing was not unfounded.

In the meantime I'm having fun designing the calendar. A fair amount of work, but I think it will be worth it when it's done. Beautiful glossy two-sided paper. Beautiful colour. Yes!!!

Hope you all are doing okay as well. I'd be rather happy if you sent a comment - complaining if it's what you want to do. Then I wouldn't have to feel so alone. Not that I'm really alone. It's just that I don't want to be the only one always complaining.

Happy puttering

So good to be able to tell you that I'm feeling very good right now, happily puttering with my pictures. I've been complaining so much lately, I'm embarrassed.

Today I went through some of my forty years' worth of slides and scanned a few, with a view to using them for calendars and bookmarks. And now I'm thinking I'd like to make more notecards as well. Maybe another open house this winter so I can sell them to friends?

Working with these photographs and finding scripture verses to accompany them does me such a lot of good!

Making the calendars is going to be a bit tricky though. A bit of a puzzle getting all the months and photos in the right order, since it will be a folded calendar. That means, for example, that the May image will be on the same page as the September part of the calendar.

Tricky thing now, though, is not to let the housework get too far behind. And I do need to visit Mom every few days. And I do need to cook. Yes, Marja, don't get too too carried away now :0)

The picture in this bookmark is one I took at Puntzi Lake in the Chilcotin area of British Columbia. And the Bible verse is one I hung onto when I was going through a deep depression a few years ago. Actually it was only part of it that I clung to: "The Lord your God is with you...he will quiet you with his love."

I hope these words will comfort you as they comforted me.

The good in bipolar

Almost every day over the past while I wake up feeling awful. As the day progresses things usually improve.

This morning it happened again. I felt so depressed. But as I sipped my coffee and looked out over the yard, the patio, and my favourite chair, I thought to myself, "How can I possibly feel such depression? I have everything a person could want. I have "stuff," I have a husband and friends who love me, I have God. I have work to do that I love - usually love (though at that moment I couldn't appreciate it).

I couldn't figure myself out. Felt ashamed of my negative feelings. And I journalled about it, asking God to please help me be thankful as I ought to be. Asking God to erase the feelings of depression. Asking God to help me feel the way I ought to feel in light of having such a life. I felt guilty for feeling so down.

When my husband got up, I told him about it. How I just couldn't understand why I would be feeling this way. I was perplexed. He reminded me, "I think you must have an illness." Ah, yes!! I have an illness. I actually needed him to remind me of it.

But I did count my blessings as I worked through those negative feelings. I gradually started looking forward to church. And I got through it all once more. By the time the worship started, I was actually feeling quite high. Amazing! Amazing how this illness works!! From low to high within a couple of hours.

What can I do with this? Can any good come out of all this? Yes, I think it can. I think, as a friend told me, it helps us who live with this bipolar disorder, see things more vividly. The great contrast between the highs and lows makes us experience sorrow and joy is a deeper way than the average person. Bible passage can speak louder to us. And I want to share what I learn from it all. How I want to share!

Bookmark joys

Yesterday Nancie from More Than Conquerors posted some images of bookmarks she had made. We are good friends and have so much in common that I find amazing. She's a photographer and likes to make bookmarks as well. Making bookmarks gives me such joy that, although I haven't done a lot of photography for a while, I now feel like going back to it - just so I'll have some fresh images with which to make bookmarks...and calendars as well.

One of Nancie's bookmarks really spoke to me, so I decided to make one as well, using my own design. Hope you don't mind, Nancie.

My moods keep going up and down. But having creative work to do gives me great joy, especially if I can use it to remind people of God's love for them.

Here is the bookmark I designed today. I hope the words speak to you as they spoke to me this morning.

Restless

I'm painting this morning...at least, trying to. The hills at Steptoe Butte in Washington. Painting is the hardest thing I can think of doing, something I keep putting off because it's so hard. And yet I've been itching to do it too, itching to improve my technique, to create something that could be deemed worthwhile. I paint a hill and then walk away, wishing for something easier to do. Yet I don't feel like doing anything else, so I email a friend, cause I need to "talk", and now I blog.

I've had a lot of disappointments lately and this morning I woke up feeling an utter failure. I think this feeling came from the realization yesterday that the mission trip I'd had my heart set on going on next year would be too rigorous for me. The realization that a person with bipolar disorder should not be doing something that involved seven days of ministry from early morning till late at night.

I'd so wanted to experience this country and these people, that I had even started studying Spanish to prepare. My dream was to photograph the people and their churches and to write about them, telling photo stories. Oh, how I had my heart set on this!! It was good to be focusing on this too. It reduced the obsession I had about Living Room. It gave me something else worthwhile to think about.

Yet another thing that I had wanted to do but had to give up on!! (the other was the depression seminar) Do I ever need something to feel good about! Something to look forward to.

But, my friends would say, you did make 340 bookmarks in Spanish for the mission our church members went on. And you are going to Greece in a few weeks for a holiday.

Yeah, crazy aren't I? I have so much to be thankful for.

All I need to do now is turn on some good music that will anchor me to the "studio" (yeah I have a room I call my "studio":o)) and paint. And after I have painted that picture turn to something more straightforward to do. Perhaps I will post my painting when it's done...if it's good enough. That would be fun. And it's fun I need. Creative fun. It's sharing I need. With people who care.

I pray this picture will be presentable. I pray that God will settle me down and give me some peace.

Too much new

I think I'm trying to learn too many new things all at one time. I'm learning to paint in watercolour and I'm learning Spanish. And both of these are so hard, especially for a 64-year-old like me. I've never felt my age so much. Usually I feel quite young. I don't feel like a senior at all. Usually I feel vibrant, excited about what I'm doing, capable of a lot. Yet now...

Maybe I should focus mostly on painting for now. I'm taking a class and if I'm going to get the most out of it, I'll have to do lots of practising. Make some time to paint every other day or so.

In a few weeks we're going to Greece. I need to prepare for that too. My husband wants me to do something that focuses on Greece - paint it, photograph it, study the history, or write about it. Thought at first that I would try to do some painting while there, but I've changed my mind. It's photography I should do - something I know I can do. Something I know I could achieve good results with. I would like to take my water soluble pencils as well though and play with them a bit. Yet I'll need to practise a bit - learn how to use them. Oh oh! Something new to learn...again.

But today I must focus on Living Room. I must pray over that meeting. Forget about all this other stuff for a bit and be totally there for the people who come. Living Room is something I can do.

And yet....

Psalms 42 and 43 which we studied at our last Living Room Bible study sure hit home for those of us there. We could relate to the psalmists' laments. We could relate for the thirsting after God expressed in the opening verses:

"As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?"

You'll remember the wonderful hymn based on this Psalm. How well that song ministered to me a few weeks ago when Nancie shared it with me!

As we studied these Psalms we saw how the writers expressed their depression, but clung to the hope they had in God. In spite of everything they're able to say,

"Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."

Oh to be able to cling to God in that way! In spite of everything to be able to say "...I will yet praise Him."

These same words are repeated three times within Psalm 42 and 43.

How can we who suffer from mood disorders hang onto such faith? How can we get ourselves to the place where we can say, "...and yet I will praise Him. In spite of everything, I will praise Him."

I think we need to keep wanting God, to keep hungering for Him. We need to talk to Him. And that can start by simply saying "hello" to Him. I believe God is pleased when we yearn for Him and He will be there for us. He will show Himself. The Bible says that he who seeks will find. So true!!

God is always there. He doesn't leave; it's we who leave Him. But all we need to do is talk to Him...to say "hello" and whatever else we'd like to tell Him about how we feel and how we need His comfort and His peace.

We'll be discussing this topic at Living Room this Friday. If you're in the Burnaby area, might you like to come along? Just check the website for the information. You'd be most welcome.

The creativity kickstart

Amazing how a little creativity - a new project - colour - excitement - can kickstart a more positive mood! And once it's done, I fall back, into the verge of depression again - the unmotivated self.

In the midst of my verge of depression, I had an idea last week. No, it didn't come from me exactly. It was truly planted there by God. If you don't believe in God and are wondering about me, not believing such a clear leading from God can happen, I've got to tell you it can and does. Through my quiet time with God one day last week, the mission some of our church members are going on sprang to mind. No reason for that to happen. And through a bunch of well-led wanderings of the mind, I realized I wanted to send along some bookmarks I had made. But I didn't have enough. And besides, they were in English. The people in that country would not understand them. I decided to make some up in the Spanish language.

How the thought of such a project excited me!! It totally kickstarted a livening of the mind, return to a positive, even high, mood. I worked happily on this for several days, ending up with 340 bookmarks of eleven different designs. My obsession with Living Room was replaced with an obsession for bookmarks. I imagined what the people in this country might need. They don't have ready access to Christian literature. How could I fill their needs? How could I encourage them? As I worked, I felt like a missionary. And I felt alive.

But when the project was finished I once more returned to slumber mode. No motivation to do the many things that had been piling up around me, needing to be tended to. Good thing my husband is now paying the bills. I'm so grateful for that. But there are other things - stacks of paper - that need to be looked after. And I felt powerless to work on it. The laundry I did three days ago was still in the drier. I had no energy to take it out and put it away.

This morning I sent an email to my closest friends, crying out about my inability to find a firm place to stand. My instability. Up sometimes, down other times. It's like Satan is playing a cat and mouse game with me.

The Psalms are wonderful to read at times like this. David seems to know all about this. I found comfort this morning in Psalm 143. "...may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." (vs.10)

Fortunately I had signed up for a watercolour course a few weeks ago and my first class was this morning. Colour. Creativity. Making things happen with my hands (painting a tulip still life) instead of having things happen to me. I didn't do very well. After all, it was only the first art class I'd ever taken. But that didn't matter. I had fun playing. And I came home looking at everything in my world a little differently. I looked around me, wondering what I could paint next.

My mind and mood has had another kickstart. Another opportunity to escape possible descent into a black hole.

Will I be able to keep this up? Will I be able to keep pushing back the dark?

Ah, but I have God at my side. I have the support of loving friends. I have the will to be well and to serve God. And I'm grateful. Things could be so much worse.

Never stable?

My friend at church and I have been praying for stability for me, for an end to the ups and downs. But you know, I don't think that's in God's plans for me. I'm pretty sure I'll always been on a roller coaster. That's what it is to be bipolar and I'll just have to accept that.

I've been wondering lately what is normal for me. What is the real me? The joyous person I was on Easter Sunday? Or is it the person I became last night when my mood dropped so significantly that my husband noticed it right away? I don't know whether there is a normal me.

A friend told me I'm being over-analytical, always trying to figure out where I'm at within myself. But I need to know so I can respond with plans for days that are healthy for me. So I can plan to do things to raise my low mood or things to level me off if my mood is too high. Psychiatrists tell their patients to keep mood charts. That requires that each day you analyze where you're at.

I do know that I need to start each day with God, asking for His help, asking for me to feel His presence, asking Him to help me live for Him, no matter what my mood. I need to cling to God as I cling to the handbars of a roller coaster as I ride. It helps me feel more secure, more confident, more safe.

...And I need to stop thinking too much but do more. Plan to accomplish a few things each day. Thinking too much just encourages the onset of depression. ...Or does depression encourage too much thinking? Hard to know which comes first.

It's all about finding a balance, isn't it?

The best kind of friend

The best kind of friend you can have is someone who will cry with you when you cry and celebrate with you when you're joyous. What amazing bonds can form when a friend is so sympathetic to where you are emotionally!

I have three friends like that now, and what a treasure they are! How grateful I am for them!

During my last bout of struggles, a friend from church prayed with me when I was going through a particularly hard time. She seemed to feel what I was feeling and thus knew exactly how to pray. When I turned so dramatically, she felt my joy too - because she too knew what that kind of joy was like. She was able to celebrate with me. How good it is when you're feeling overjoyed to have someone share with you in it! We need people to share our feelings with, don't we? The good stuff as well as the bad stuff. It's so good to be understood. And yet, so often we're not. Understanding people can be so hard to find, especially when we most need them.

How often haven't you felt alone with strong feelings - whether it be pain or joy - with no one available to share with? And how good it is to have someone you can call - someone who cares! I wish everyone could have friends like that at times like this. Someone to comfort them. Someone to remind them of God's love. Someone to pray with.

I'm glad for our Living Room ministry, because here, at least twice a month, people with emotional problems can share their pains and their joys. Here we are ready to hear and to be there for each other. We have a meeting coming up on Friday and I pray that we will be in sympathy with each other - whether that means to cry with each other or to celebrate joys. I know we will be.

Mood and reality

Hi everyone. Happy Easter Sunday to you.

I need to share that my mood has taken a very big turn from what I perceived to be the verge of depression to hypomania. Don't know whether I should go into all the details of how it happened. Suffice it to say I see it as situational. The result of a spiritual awakening of sorts. A renewal that came along with Easter and my realization of what it meant to have Jesus die a horrid death for us and then to live again. I feel forgiven for the things that had been making me feel ashamed, the things that had gotten me so down. And I'm feeling joyful - freed and more fully alive. I have greater energy and was more sociable at church than I have been (though I don't think overly so).

And now I'm wondering how my friends and husband perceive what is happening to me. Do they think I'm just a "nut case" going through another inexplicable phase? Or can they see that there is a true basis for these feelings? A true basis for these moods? A reality? A truth?

Am I seeing truth in a clearer way than the average person? I wonder. I kind of think so. The story of Christ's death and resurrection and what it means is clear as a bell to me right now. In fact, in a way I've lived it with Him in some mild form over the past while.

If I am seeing the reason that we have to have joy in Christ in a clearer way, would that not naturally make me have deeper feelings about it than what's average? More joyous and in other terms, hypomanic?

And yet I musn't let this mood run rampant. Just as I needed to fight the depression, I must now again focus on keeping things stable. I mustn't do things that increase this high. Hard to do when you have so much energy. I'll try not to do things that are too exciting.

Today I will go for a walk with my husband. I'll play a board game with him. And tonight hopefully visit a friend in hospital. I pray that I will be able to feel in sympathy with her and her frustrations with ongoing depression. I pray that I don't overwhelm her with my high mood. Maybe she will temper my high a bit and that would be good for me.

It's a battle

One of the Living Room facilitators emailed me with a comment - something I have been lax to accept but now realize there is a lot of truth in. In fact, it's something that should not be ignored. My pastor's wife pointed it out to me as well last Saturday. I'll quote some of what this facilitator said:

"When Jesus told us that if we have faith we can say to this mountain 'be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea' (Matthew 17:20) and don't doubt in our hearts, nothing will be impossible to us. We aren't told to pray to the Lord to have him remove the mountain. We speak to the mountain in his name. When a depression threatens to overtake me I don't ask the Lord to remove it. He's already given me the authority to get rid of it in his name. I refuse to receive depression and when I sense it looming, I rebuke it in Jesus' name. And if the depression persists, I persist more. If the depression doesn't lift right away, don't be discouraged. Keep rebuking it in Jesus' name. Keep praising Jesus and use your God-given capacity to get angry at that depression."

Last night and this morning I did that. I commanded the depression to leave me in Christ's name. And you know, my mind cleared and I found a new strength and confidence. And there was joy in that strength and confidence.

I'm not saying that depression is not a medical problems, but I'm saying that spiritually there's a lot we can do about it.

Now I'm going to go for a workout, something I can physically do for myself. Something else that will help clear those cobwebs. And because I've looked after my spiritual self, I am encouraged to get out there and move my body - to do all the things that are good for me. Maybe I'll even get creative. We need to look after our whole selves - and God made us into some pretty complicated beings.

God is so amazing and so good, isn't He?

Your Spirit leads me on

Hey, I'm leading a worship session! I have another great song I'd like to share, one of my favourites. Drink deep.

Power of Your Love

Lord I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I�ve found in You
Lord I�ve come to know
The weakenesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
By the power of Your love

~ chorus ~
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I�ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day
By the power of Your love

(repeat chorus twice)

And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love
(repeat

You are my strength

The perfect song for my mood - and maybe yours as well?

Jesus, you are my strength when I am weak. You are my all in all. Thank you, God, for such beautiful songs that say so much.

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

It's a beautiful day here on the west coast. Sun shining, flowers blooming. Thank you, God.

Thank you God for forgiving

As you know, I've been dealing much with the effects of my disorder, the shame of sometimes saying or doing things I would not do if I were more balanced. But then, I guess everyone at some time or other does things they're not proud of. And yet...I feel I'm worse than those "everyones." Or is this an oncoming depression talking? Or am I being overly self-centered, thinking of me and my own concerns instead of the concerns of others? I'm sure if I were thinking of the needs of others I would not be worrying so much.

And yet the shame has been hard to deal with lately. I've had a hard time fully realizing that God forgives. I've had a hard time remembering that Jesus died on the cross for sins like mine. He took them all upon Himself and suffered an unimaginable death. I should be grateful! I should accept His forgiveness. I should thank Jesus! Why is it so hard to do that?

A couple of days ago I watched The Passion of the Christ, a gory depiction of all Jesus must have gone through. And I thought to myself, He did not have to do that. He did that out of obedience to His Father and out of His great love for us. What wonderfully great love!!!

Please God, help me to realize how much you love me and all of us, to have given up your Son to such a death, for our sakes. Help me to be thankful. Thank you, Jesus.

Surrendering to God

The question I'll ask at tomorrow at Living Room is "What does is mean to surrender to God?" What a wonderful topic to focus on right now! Don't know exactly how I landed on it, but it's certainly something I need myself. As usual, as I explore it and prepare I'm learning a lot. I'm encouraged to trust God more with my troubles. I'm encouraged to let God have control.

We will discuss how "[our] attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:5) We will discuss the three barriers that block our total surrender to God: fear, pride, and confusion.

1. Fear: Can you trust God? The more you realize how much God loves you the easier it is to surrender to Him.
2. Pride: Who is in control? The desire to have complete control is the cause of so much stress in our lives. We want to be God.
3. Fear and pride are the greatest barriers to knowing God. These often lead to:
Confusion: How can I know God?

Off and on lately I've felt ashamed of the way my disorder often makes me feel, think and act. I'm not really ashamed of having bipolar disorder as such, just what it does to me at times. And I realize what I need to do is to give these feelings to God. I need to trust that He loves me and that He is in control. I can use the way He made me if I live for His glory, giving all I am to Him.

And when I place my trust in Jesus I experience a sense of peace and freedom. I'm stronger to continue doing what I believe God made me to do.

A song on Youtube has been a real blessing to me. I share "I surrender all to Jesus" with you, hoping it will bless you as well.

How great God's love is!! He loves us no matter what we do or say.

Dealing with it

Recognizing that the up and down moods I'm experiencing are the result of anger and frustration helps, I think. There are things I can do about anger, things not as easy to do with depression.

I can talk about it with someone. I can resolve the source of the anger. I can give it to God and move on.

Over the past little while I've tried very hard to get closer to God. Not to put Living Room first, but put Him first. That's not so easy to do since I think at times my Living Room work becomes an obsession, something I'm not very proud of.

On Sunday Pastor Don had us reflect on a series of questions. The last ones I really needed to think about: What are you most devoted to? What is the last thing you'd give up to help someone in need? What do you organize your life around? Do you love that more than God?

That really made me think. And I realize these are questions I will have to keep asking myself, especially when I get so busy doing Living Room work. I definitely need to stay close to God if I'm to do this work. It's God's work, after all, and how will I know how to do it if I don't let God be part of it?

This morning I was looking in my Bible for something and came upon a very apt verse for me - Psalm 143:10:

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."

A good verse to hang onto today. May God's Spirit lead me on level ground.

As a deer

Nancie usually knows exactly what I need to hear. How she gives me healing words! How she encourages! She's such a blessing to me and to the many others whose lives she touches.

Not long ago Nancie sent me the song, As a Deer. So beautiful and it touched me and continues to touch me deeply. I've been meditating on Psalm 42, which forms the basis of the song. It gives me peace and healing.

A blessing.

Thank you, Nancie, for sharing.

Anger or depression?

A few days ago my counselor suggested that the mood problems I've been having - the apparent depressed episodes - might actually be anger. She may be right. There are lots of things bothering me and frustrating me now-a-days. But how do you tell the difference?

The very focus of my life's work, reducing stigma, is a frustrating problem. I know I will never win the war. And yet it is my hope that I will win some battles. It is my hope and prayer that at least a few will benefit and that a few more will learn and repent of the way they have been treating the topic of mental illness. It is my prayer that people will be educated and become more understanding and compassionate.

But yesterday the futility of my efforts came home to me by a comment a fellow writer made on my writing. In my article I had shown the importance of treating the whole person - physical, psychological, and spiritual. This person underlined "psychological" and wrote beside it "not scriptural."

Normally that wouldn't have hit me so hard. This person has written other things I should have been upset about but wasn't. But yesterday I also talked to a counselor in our writer's group who expressed how and why what I had undertaken was such a big job. And just hearing that overwhelmed me.

Now I have a general down mood. Call it depression, anger or frustration. Don't really know what it is. I just know I need a beer to settle me down. I know. Not good to self-medicate with alcohol. Yet I need to do "something" and I'm finding it hard to pray. Am I angry at God too? No, I don't think so. Just don't feel very close to Him at the moment.

And yet I need my God and long for Him.

Doing good

Big disappointment. We had to cancel the plans for a seminar because a couple of the speakers weren't able to make it on the date we had planned. And there's no other good time this year for me to devote to it. A trip in late May and possibly a heavy presentation I have to make in October. I felt dejected to know my efforts to educate had been thwarted. Next possible opportunity for a seminar is next year sometime.

But an email I had received from Nancie about someone newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder aroused fresh passion in me.

In Nancie's words, "He has encountered much condemnation and misjudgment from his precious churches and Christian friends. He is very discouraged but yet know how important it is for him to find a good and supportive church, and to walk closely with the Lord. He is putting his trust in the Lord and learning to depend more upon Him. He is now in the midst of looking for a good church where there will be brothers and sisters who can love him with Christ's unconditional love and enable him to grow together with them."

Being bipolar myself and realizing the importance of supportive Christian friends, I felt I had to do something. I decided I needed to write again. I realized I was ready to write again. To empty the frustrations about all that is wrong. To try and encourage Christians to have empathy and learn how they can be supportive. To build some understanding. Though I can't have a seminar, I CAN write.

So yesterday I spent most of the day writing. It felt good. The words flowed freely. I was fulfilling the purpose God had given me life for - to help people with mental illness. There's a good chance this will be published on a Christian website that draws 1000 hits a day. They've been asking me for material.

Today I see my counselor and I'm not sure if she'll be particularly happy with me. She has been trying to tell me to not think so much about always doing for other people. To "dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture." (Psalm 37:3) My husband has been trying to tell me the same thing. And a friend at church who heard about the cancellation of the seminar said to me, "Maybe you should just live for a while."

But Psalm 37 also says to "Trust in the Lord and DO GOOD". How can I simply dwell in the land when there are things wrong with it, things that God leads me to bring improvement to? Now that I have written I feel much more secure, fulfilled, satisfied that I have done my part, through God's help, to make the land a safe one to dwell in.

Further along in Psalm 37, verses 5 and 6 say:

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Yes, I want to commit my ways to God and let Him lead. And I'm so glad He led me in such a clear way in this writing. This article may do a lot more good than a seminar would. Maybe cancelling the seminar was not such a bad thing.

Trust and do good

Tonight I was once more overcome with regret for having bipolar disorder. I feel so bad for how it causes me to do things that I shouldn't do - my feelings, thoughts and actions not under control. I guess the main thing is how I lean so heavily on two or three people. Far too many emails. I imagine they must get quite tired of me. That makes me feel ashamed of myself.

As you know, I've been meditating on Psalm 37 for weeks now. And tonight I went to it again and found greater comfort there than usual.

Trust in the Lord and do good.

It's like a father telling his daughter, "Relax, don't worry, trust me. Do good and you'll be ok. Focus on doing good and don't worry about the rest."

Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

"Grow where you're planted and enjoy your life. You're safe in my care," says my Lord. And I realize that I need to focus on the good I can do and not on the blunders so much. Do my best. That's all I can do.

Please, God help me to feel the comfort of your love, no matter how bad my disorder. And help me share that love with others.

Living Room times - healing times

I'm healing. Feeling rather quiet and not carefree yet, but healing. This morning I talked to the person who I had hurt and his response to my apology was comforting. I knew he would forgive, yet I did need to talk to him personally and hear him say he would. I needed to hear we were okay.

Our Living Room meeting was such a blessing. God so very much there. The person giving the devotional spoke from his heart, asking the question, "What has your mood disorder taught you?" After a bit, I spoke from my heart, telling them all I had been through this week - how I couldn't live with what I had done. How badly I felt about what my bipolar depression had caused me to do. I opened my broken and contrite heart and poured everything out, comforted to know that there were compassionate souls there to listen.

And others spoke from the heart. We shared from the depths of our being. No fear of judgment. Full acceptance and love for each other. What a special meeting it was! And how the Holy Spirit worked in each of us, healing us!

Thank you, God, for Living Room.

I hate this disorder

I've come to a place where I haven't been before, at least I don't recollect having been here before. I hate having this disorder and lacking the control I would like to have over my feelings and subsequent behaviour. Last week I was hard on a person, blaming him for the depression I was feeling. But I shouldn't have had such depression over what had happened and I shouldn't have laid the blame on someone else for it.

Now I feel such shame for adding to this person's already stressful life. I'm just so very sorry. And I'm ashamed for having a disorder that makes me do things like this. I just pray that he'll forgive me. Even more than this I hope and pray his life will become easier and less stressful.

In my writings and all my work I encourage people not to feel ashamed of their bipolar disorder. I encourage them to look at it as just another illness, one they're not to be blamed for having. And yet today I feel ashamed. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to burden them with too much of me. I lean too heavily on two or three people and I regret that. And yet it isn't within my power to stop. I need their support. It's because of their support that I've been able to do as well as I have. Without these wonderful friends in my life there would be no Living Room.

I've had such a lot of attention as the founder of Living Room. People think so much of what I do. And yet without my supporters and their encouragement to always stay close to God, I would be nothing.

Just want to thank you, my friends, you know who you are, for all you've been to me. I want to thank you for how you've shown Christ's love to me. And I pray that I will find a way to burden you less, though I don't know if I can. I've tried before. I love you.

Church support

I'm now really getting into the planning of an afternoon seminar entitled, "Mental Illness and How Congregations Can Respond". Thing is - and this is an important thing - I first need to know I have a team in place to help me with it. If that doesn't happen in the next little while it will be very hard to pull this together for our projected date of May 15th. If I don't have a team, I will cancel the plans. I've wanted to have a workshop/seminar like this for years now. Even before Living Room was born.

At the seminar I - and hopefully we - will have someone give an overview of mental illnesses (what they are and how they're treated), have stories from people who live with a mental illness, and have speakers on how congregations can be supportive. I hope to include a psychiatrist, a pastor, a Living Room facilitator, and members of Living Room as speakers.

I've had my ups and downs lately - far too many - wondering if anyone was going to encourage this, wondering if God was really going to help make this happen. But today I'm feeling energetic, ready to get organized. I've had encouragement from a number of sources now.

Thing I'll have to try and maintain is keeping God close. Although busy, to remember to "dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture." To remember to take time to "rejoice in the Lord." (from my Psalm 37 meditations)

My husband and some others think I'm obsessed with Living Room work (have I told you that before?). But I think I'm okay. Don't you readers who live with bipolar disorder find it's part of the disorder to focus with zeal in what you believe strongly about? And isn't that how we get a lot done? Thing is, I'm not manic about all this stuff. I'm just humming along.

Submitting to God

It has been a long time since I wrote here but an email from Nancie reminded me how good blogging can be for me. And I do want to share some things.

I've been going through a lot of ups and downs, mostly brought about through plans I had for Living Room that I just haven't been able to bring about. Things standing in my way, though that's probably a good thing too. Maybe the timing was not as God would have wanted. Yet I've felt a lot of frustration and that brought me down.

My pastor, my husband, and friends have mentioned to me that maybe my identity is too wound up in Living Room. It has become as though I AM Living Room. It's hard to think of anything else. And yet isn't that what dedication means? I've dedicated my life to Living Room and to work for a better world for people with mental illness. It's what I live for. It's the work God gave me to do.

And yet, says one good friend, the thing I should value most is my relationship with God. That's what I should work on more than anything else. That should come first, before the work. I know she's right.

Over this past week I've had to learn to submit to God more than I have. To not get so frustrated if things don't go my way as quickly as I want them to. To "dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture," as David said in Psalm 37. I've meditated much on that Psalm over the past while and have come to a more restful place within myself.

Trouble with me is that I'm not good at resting. Psalm 23 is not my favourite. I don't like to be made to "lie down in green pastures." And yet, as my good friend tried to convince me when I was fighting so hard, "Remember to gaze on God's face." Not easy to do when you like to work hard and there's so much you see that needs to be done.

"Delight yourself in the Lord," says Psalm 37, "and he will give you the desires of your heart." I had forgotten how to delight in the Lord - so caught up in my own agenda. It's still not easy. I'm still struggling. Am off on another tangent now. But I'm praying that God will be with me in this work. That God will be in this work - through and through. And that I will never forget to pray and ask his Holy Spirit to guide me, one step at a time. Me following, not leading.

Cure or healing?

At Living Room on Friday we're going to discuss the difference between cure and healing. Jesus asked the blind Bartimeus, "What do you want?" "I want my sight," Bartimeus said to Him. And Jesus healed him.

There are so many stories like this in the Bible. On Friday I will ask the question, "What would you ask Jesus for if He asked you what you wanted?" "Would you ask for a cure for your mood disorder? Or would you ask for healing?" And what's the difference anyway?

Ezine Articles has a good piece about the difference between the two, written by Wil Langford.

Myself? I don't think I'd ask Jesus for a cure. Who I've become and the purpose I have found for my life is too much tied to my disorder. If I didn't have bipolar disorder God would not have given me the work I do. And I like the work I do. It's challenging. It's rewarding. Helping other people and trying to erase the stigma attached to mental illness is what my struggles have prepared me for.

Yes, I don't want a cure. But I do want healing. I want the peace of knowing that God is there for me in my struggles - especially my struggles with depression. I pray for strength and the ability to accept and deal with whatever difficulties might come along.

Isn't healing far better than a cure? When God heals us we become whole people. A cure isn't necessarily going to do that for us.

May God heal you, whatever problems you might be dealing with. May God bless you.

Focusing my energy

Hi everyone,

I'm back from my holiday in the sun and, although I had a wonderful time away, I'm glad to be back too so I can get to work again.

While away I had a lot of time to think, to read, and to journal. I came to the conclusion that I need to focus my energy on the things that are going to do the most good. And I need to delegate the things that sap my energy and that other people are just as capable of doing, like looking after the lunches for our Living Room meetings.

One thing I realized that I need to try to do more work on is encouraging a more accepting, more understanding church climate for people with mood disorders. That kind of climate will encourage new Living Room facilitators to come forward. I've been working on that all along with the articles and books I've written, but there's much more work to do. I can't let up.

I remembered a depression seminar I produced many years ago at a church I belonged to. It was a very successful all-day event that drew sixty people. Although that event was secular in nature, this time I'd like to do something specifically for Christians. Help them learn what depression is, what causes it, who is affected, how it is treated. Let them hear stories from people who have dealt with it. Form small discussion groups for people who live with depression and for those who are supporters. We could include a break-out session specifically for pastors and church leaders, because I would try my hardest to draw those to the seminar as well.

This is my dream right now - to organize such a seminar. I'd publicize it widely and try for a big attendance. More than sixty this time. More like a hundred...or more than that even?

Yes, I'm ready to get to work again, praying that my church leadership will give their blessings to my idea. Praying I can get some people to help me make it happen.