I need to write just a bit to let you know that tomorrow we are, once more, off on a trip. We truly are taking advantage of our motorhome this year and I'm finding it very good to have those breaks away. Used to be I'd be too lazy or simply not motivated enough to do all the work getting ready to go. But the last couple of trips were so good, so beneficial to my mental health, that I look forward to it more and more. And it's good to have those times with my husband. The only thing that worries me now is what am I going to do when the summer is gone? I'm so enjoying the good weather and the opportunities to get outdoors.
I look forward to the time this holiday will give me to read. Perhaps I'll even be moved to do some writing. I'll also bring my camera and sketchbook. Isn't that what heaven should be all about? The opportunity to learn from the thoughts of others. The opportunity to be creative, to use the gifts God has given me. These are things I need to make sure I always make time for, even when I'm not on holidays.
There used to be a time when I wondered what possible use there could be in doing artwork. Wouldn't my time be better spent doing God's work? Doing "useful" things? But I'm learning that God made us to be creative people. He had good reasons for this.
I'm starting to look on the creative work I do as a form of worship. What better way to worship than to lie on the ground, focusing your camera on a little wildflower, admiring its beauty, wanting to share that beauty with others? What better way to worship than to watch a baby's every expression as you spend time photographing her?
Earlier this week I photographed a toddler. I didn't do as well as I'd like, but the experience of spending time with this little girl, fully attentive to her, was wonderful. I will have some more wonderful times making the prints.
So early tomorrow morning we'll be off again, for ten days this time. See you all when I get back. Hope that you too will find the time to do the things you best love to do.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
A butterfly visits
I think I'd better write this story before I go to Curves. I've been meaning to tell you about this for days now, but first I wanted to make sure enough people had a chance to read my previous post. After that I always found some things I considered more important to do. However, it will give me such pleasure to share this with you. Mustn't wait any longer.
On our last holiday with the motorhome we stayed at a lake in an out of the way place, 26 kilometers away from a major road. Very few people live there and only the occasional car or logging truck passed on the gravel road. There was only one other party camped at the lake and they were at the far end of the campground. We didn't even get to meet them.
One afternoon, while my husband was out on the lake in his boat, catching his many fish (it's a very good lake for that), I was sitting in my comfy chair reading a fluff book. (A "fluff book" is what my friend calls a book that entertains but does nothing much else for you.)
The air was clean and warm with enough of a breeze to keep the mosquitoes away. Not too warm either, just comfortable. I listened to the sound of the many birds in the trees and bushes around me. I felt at one with nature. I felt God's presence.
At one point I looked down at my left hand as it held the book and, at the base of my thumb, noticed a tiny, pale blue butterfly with dotted wings. I sat very still and it stayed there for a bit. Then it moved to my forearm. Then to the front of my Tshirt. Finally, after this little visit it flew away. I was delighted, even more feeling united with nature, united with God.
My husband doesn't believe in God and he cynically said, "Do you believe God told that butterfly to come to you?" But no, that's not it at all. It's just that I sensed God's presence in it and the rest of all nature that surrounded me that day. God was in the trees and in the birds and in the breeze. He was in the warm sunshine. He was in the butterfly. And I became part of all that. God was in me too.
On our last holiday with the motorhome we stayed at a lake in an out of the way place, 26 kilometers away from a major road. Very few people live there and only the occasional car or logging truck passed on the gravel road. There was only one other party camped at the lake and they were at the far end of the campground. We didn't even get to meet them.
One afternoon, while my husband was out on the lake in his boat, catching his many fish (it's a very good lake for that), I was sitting in my comfy chair reading a fluff book. (A "fluff book" is what my friend calls a book that entertains but does nothing much else for you.)
The air was clean and warm with enough of a breeze to keep the mosquitoes away. Not too warm either, just comfortable. I listened to the sound of the many birds in the trees and bushes around me. I felt at one with nature. I felt God's presence.
At one point I looked down at my left hand as it held the book and, at the base of my thumb, noticed a tiny, pale blue butterfly with dotted wings. I sat very still and it stayed there for a bit. Then it moved to my forearm. Then to the front of my Tshirt. Finally, after this little visit it flew away. I was delighted, even more feeling united with nature, united with God.
My husband doesn't believe in God and he cynically said, "Do you believe God told that butterfly to come to you?" But no, that's not it at all. It's just that I sensed God's presence in it and the rest of all nature that surrounded me that day. God was in the trees and in the birds and in the breeze. He was in the warm sunshine. He was in the butterfly. And I became part of all that. God was in me too.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Quiet time with God
For some reason I've come to love the outdoors more than I ever have before. I was always an indoorsy kind of person. But this year, with the good weather here, I've started sitting on our patio early every morning, even before I get dressed. Our patio is like an outdoor living room. We're so fortunate to have it. And here I sit for a couple of hours, starting around 6 am (sometimes even earlier), with my coffee, journal, and Bible.
I listen to the many different birds, chirping and calling around me. I enjoy the flowers. I feel the freshness of the air - maybe a slight breeze. And I thank God for it all. And in that quiet I sense God with me in a very real way.
So many times, in my small group, I've expressed a desire to feel God's presence. I've struggled often with it. Now I've found that sitting quietly in the midst of nature, fully aware, helps me to feel God's presence. I feel at peace.
I write a bit in my journal, read a few verses in my Bible, and I talk to God about whatever comes into my head at the time, both in words that I speak in my head or write in my journal.
Because I start my quiet time so early, I don't need to concern myself with what I need to get busy with. My stomach will tell me when it's time to have breakfast and get the rest of the day moving. No need to worry my mind over the day.
Each morning is like a little holiday. Each morning is time away from my worries. Each morning is time with God. It refreshes and prepares me for the day.
I was going to tell you about a little blue butterfly that came to visit me, but got side-tracked. That will have to wait. It's a delightful story, so I hope you'll come back to "hear" it.
Praying that you will find peaceful times too.
I listen to the many different birds, chirping and calling around me. I enjoy the flowers. I feel the freshness of the air - maybe a slight breeze. And I thank God for it all. And in that quiet I sense God with me in a very real way.
So many times, in my small group, I've expressed a desire to feel God's presence. I've struggled often with it. Now I've found that sitting quietly in the midst of nature, fully aware, helps me to feel God's presence. I feel at peace.
I write a bit in my journal, read a few verses in my Bible, and I talk to God about whatever comes into my head at the time, both in words that I speak in my head or write in my journal.
Because I start my quiet time so early, I don't need to concern myself with what I need to get busy with. My stomach will tell me when it's time to have breakfast and get the rest of the day moving. No need to worry my mind over the day.
Each morning is like a little holiday. Each morning is time away from my worries. Each morning is time with God. It refreshes and prepares me for the day.
I was going to tell you about a little blue butterfly that came to visit me, but got side-tracked. That will have to wait. It's a delightful story, so I hope you'll come back to "hear" it.
Praying that you will find peaceful times too.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Stability
Yesterday morning I was reminded of the fact that I will never be a completely stable person. I thought God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friends, bringing me to a return of joy and - I thought - stability. However, I've discovered that the great joy I was feeling was actually a bit higher than I should be. I started organizing all kinds of social functions - four within five days. Looking at my calendar, I realized I was going overboard - not very stable at all.
I called my pdoc and he has adjusted my medication: less prozac and more loxapine - quite a bit more loxapine. The need for this saddened me. I felt frustrated, knowing that - once more - my feelings, those very good feelings, were not a normal thing. Frustrated that the wonderful joyful feeling wasn't anything to be too happy about.
Yet today, sitting on my patio in the early morning, God helped me see that none of us are really stable. What I should have prayed for was a stable "place" - "a firm place" - to be. I should have asked for God's strength to be with me - God, the bedrock underneath my feet.
And I do have that strength today. I feel motivated. Today those giddy feelings of my heart dancing within me are somewhat subdued. So thankful for that, even though it had felt good. Yet it's kind of hard to accomplish things when you're so drunk with joy as well.
One thing that this dramatic mood change has given me is a deeper appreciation for God's power. If I were always stable and comfortable wouldn't I end up taking God for granted? I now realize the only person who is truly stable is God Himself. He's the only constant one. If I trust Him, He will give me what I need to do the work He has for me to do.
I called my pdoc and he has adjusted my medication: less prozac and more loxapine - quite a bit more loxapine. The need for this saddened me. I felt frustrated, knowing that - once more - my feelings, those very good feelings, were not a normal thing. Frustrated that the wonderful joyful feeling wasn't anything to be too happy about.
Yet today, sitting on my patio in the early morning, God helped me see that none of us are really stable. What I should have prayed for was a stable "place" - "a firm place" - to be. I should have asked for God's strength to be with me - God, the bedrock underneath my feet.
And I do have that strength today. I feel motivated. Today those giddy feelings of my heart dancing within me are somewhat subdued. So thankful for that, even though it had felt good. Yet it's kind of hard to accomplish things when you're so drunk with joy as well.
One thing that this dramatic mood change has given me is a deeper appreciation for God's power. If I were always stable and comfortable wouldn't I end up taking God for granted? I now realize the only person who is truly stable is God Himself. He's the only constant one. If I trust Him, He will give me what I need to do the work He has for me to do.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Sheer happiness
Wow! Over the past little while I have found out what happiness truly feels like. I've been removed from that feeling for so long that and I've become so unfamiliar with it that I actually feel kind of high, though my friends say I'm acting quite normal - just the happy Marja they haven't seen for a long time.
Looking back over the past 8 months or perhaps longer - perhaps much longer - I can see that I've been depressed, even though at times I thought I was doing alright. I wasn't doing alright. I had forgotten what it was to be truly happy.
Truth of it is that my husband had to help me with many things that I should have been quite capable of doing on my own. I've needed him so much - with cooking, shopping, cleaning, paying bills. For a long time I've been avoiding shopping, buying only as few things as I could get away with. No big shopping lists for me. Though the motivation only completely disappeared during the times I was extremely low, which happened a lot, I was very often only moderately motivated. And at those times I thought I was doing quite well. I was coping.
But things could have been much worse. I was able to keep my commitments. Living Room continued, though I had to lean on others to do the devotionals a few times. I was able to keep supporting people, though there was one time when someone asked me to pray with her and I had to tell her I couldn't. I was having too hard a time myself.
I'm grateful that God brought me through as well as he did. I'm grateful I have a ministry that is of utmost importance to me, one that gives me a purpose to live for. I'm grateful that I was able to keep clinging to God, even though I didn't always trust him as much as I should. Grateful for my husband and friends who supported me. Yes, things could have been much worse.
Today I know what joy feels like. I'm energetic, motivated. Eager to continue the work God gave me to do.
With other people in place to carry on the responsibilies of my group, I'll have time to spend the next while doing some of the broader Living Room work. Work on the manuals, the website, and - hopefully - some more writing.
I thank God for where he's brought me. God IS good.
Looking back over the past 8 months or perhaps longer - perhaps much longer - I can see that I've been depressed, even though at times I thought I was doing alright. I wasn't doing alright. I had forgotten what it was to be truly happy.
Truth of it is that my husband had to help me with many things that I should have been quite capable of doing on my own. I've needed him so much - with cooking, shopping, cleaning, paying bills. For a long time I've been avoiding shopping, buying only as few things as I could get away with. No big shopping lists for me. Though the motivation only completely disappeared during the times I was extremely low, which happened a lot, I was very often only moderately motivated. And at those times I thought I was doing quite well. I was coping.
But things could have been much worse. I was able to keep my commitments. Living Room continued, though I had to lean on others to do the devotionals a few times. I was able to keep supporting people, though there was one time when someone asked me to pray with her and I had to tell her I couldn't. I was having too hard a time myself.
I'm grateful that God brought me through as well as he did. I'm grateful I have a ministry that is of utmost importance to me, one that gives me a purpose to live for. I'm grateful that I was able to keep clinging to God, even though I didn't always trust him as much as I should. Grateful for my husband and friends who supported me. Yes, things could have been much worse.
Today I know what joy feels like. I'm energetic, motivated. Eager to continue the work God gave me to do.
With other people in place to carry on the responsibilies of my group, I'll have time to spend the next while doing some of the broader Living Room work. Work on the manuals, the website, and - hopefully - some more writing.
I thank God for where he's brought me. God IS good.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Is this the "normal" me?
First of all I'd like to thank Susan, Paula and Tart for your best wishes while I went on a little holiday. Didn't get them until I got back, but it was nice to come home to that, knowing you were thinking of me.
I want to write about how much better I'm feeling, but think it would be best if I simply copy here an email I sent to some friends letting them know:
"Helen, shortly before we left on our holiday I wrote this to you: "Helen, I don't know what's normal for me anymore. I've been abnormal for so long that I can't figure out who I'm supposed to be."
Wes and I had a wonderful time away. A good time together. It has been a long time since I've felt as good as I have lately. This started in the days before our trip (when I wrote the above) and was especially so while we were in the Chilcotin. I woke up each morning with the old familiar feeling of joy and gratitude for my life. I feel so much more alive than I have for a long time. I feel motivated and strong. And I know this is the work of God in me, the result of a lot of prayer. I want to thank you so very much for your prayers. It's amazing how God works.
When I woke up each morning with my heart dancing within me I suspected I might be getting manic. I asked Wes how I seemed to him but he told me that I've simply become the old Marja again - enthusiastic and very alive. So this is who I'm really supposed to be? So this is what's normal? If that's so, that person has been "lost" for a very long time. But neat how God helped me not to suffer too too much. I was able to function most of the time - though not as well as I should have - but I also went into the depths many times.
Several weeks ago I wondered how I would be different once I emerge from these episodes. Because you can't go through this stuff without changing somehow. I've always found it that way. That's why - after it's all over - I never regret having gone through it. When you're in the pit you can't think of anything except that you want to die. Yet I DO come out of it and God refines me through the experience. I do believe God has a purpose for all I go through. Today I'm so much better equipped to help people like S.... I so know the feeling of riding a roller coaster, helpless to make it stop. That feeling of hopelessness. Hard as it is, I need these experiences now and then if I'm to do the work God has given me to do. I only hope he'll give me a rest from them for a while now. I need to have a chance to work. I need to be capable of strength for awhile.
While we were away I read about David's life in 1st and 2nd Samuel and I read the Psalms (esp meditated a lot on Psalm 18:20-24 in the Message). And I prayed that I could be like David - to have that kind of courage and fearless trust in God. It's something I'm working on."
Boy, do I ever need to visit all your blogs and catch up to how you're doing. I'm so sorry that I haven't been feeling up to it. I haven't been able to put too much in my life lately. Hope I will do better now.
I want to write about how much better I'm feeling, but think it would be best if I simply copy here an email I sent to some friends letting them know:
"Helen, shortly before we left on our holiday I wrote this to you: "Helen, I don't know what's normal for me anymore. I've been abnormal for so long that I can't figure out who I'm supposed to be."
Wes and I had a wonderful time away. A good time together. It has been a long time since I've felt as good as I have lately. This started in the days before our trip (when I wrote the above) and was especially so while we were in the Chilcotin. I woke up each morning with the old familiar feeling of joy and gratitude for my life. I feel so much more alive than I have for a long time. I feel motivated and strong. And I know this is the work of God in me, the result of a lot of prayer. I want to thank you so very much for your prayers. It's amazing how God works.
When I woke up each morning with my heart dancing within me I suspected I might be getting manic. I asked Wes how I seemed to him but he told me that I've simply become the old Marja again - enthusiastic and very alive. So this is who I'm really supposed to be? So this is what's normal? If that's so, that person has been "lost" for a very long time. But neat how God helped me not to suffer too too much. I was able to function most of the time - though not as well as I should have - but I also went into the depths many times.
Several weeks ago I wondered how I would be different once I emerge from these episodes. Because you can't go through this stuff without changing somehow. I've always found it that way. That's why - after it's all over - I never regret having gone through it. When you're in the pit you can't think of anything except that you want to die. Yet I DO come out of it and God refines me through the experience. I do believe God has a purpose for all I go through. Today I'm so much better equipped to help people like S.... I so know the feeling of riding a roller coaster, helpless to make it stop. That feeling of hopelessness. Hard as it is, I need these experiences now and then if I'm to do the work God has given me to do. I only hope he'll give me a rest from them for a while now. I need to have a chance to work. I need to be capable of strength for awhile.
While we were away I read about David's life in 1st and 2nd Samuel and I read the Psalms (esp meditated a lot on Psalm 18:20-24 in the Message). And I prayed that I could be like David - to have that kind of courage and fearless trust in God. It's something I'm working on."
Boy, do I ever need to visit all your blogs and catch up to how you're doing. I'm so sorry that I haven't been feeling up to it. I haven't been able to put too much in my life lately. Hope I will do better now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Off for a few days
I'll be off for the next week or so, camping in our motorhome - my husband fishing, me reading and drawing. It will be good to get away once more.
Recent days have been good for me, especially today. I'm taking a little loxapine at night now to help me get better rests at night. This morning I slept till 6:00 - much better than waking up at 3 or 4 as I have been.
Today I feel quite normal, hardly depressed at all. Yet I guess I'm a little fearful too. So many times I've started feeling well, only to drop down again a couple days later. How long will this good mood be with me this time?
But I guess I should be more positive and try to expect that I will one day be a stable person again. I'm praying for a more lasting wholeness. I want to get back to work again.
Recent days have been good for me, especially today. I'm taking a little loxapine at night now to help me get better rests at night. This morning I slept till 6:00 - much better than waking up at 3 or 4 as I have been.
Today I feel quite normal, hardly depressed at all. Yet I guess I'm a little fearful too. So many times I've started feeling well, only to drop down again a couple days later. How long will this good mood be with me this time?
But I guess I should be more positive and try to expect that I will one day be a stable person again. I'm praying for a more lasting wholeness. I want to get back to work again.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Bedrock under my feet
Darn! I just saw my GP and there's nothing physically wrong with me. This excessive sleeping I've been doing is "all in my head" - due to depression. My sleeping pattern has been weird lately, symptomatic of depression. I wake up at four or five (six is normal for me) and don't go back to sleep - till the middle of the day, and then I feel like I want to nap all the time.
The sleeping, and the result - not accomplishing anything - is depressing. Or is it the other way around? Is it that I don't feel like doing anything, feel depressed, so escape by sleeping?
And yet I have some good times thrown in there as well. I'm really trying to line up things for myself to do, things that I might find stimulating. And yet it is too often hard to motivate myself.
I feel best when I'm around people. Had a wonderful time at church on Sunday. That morning set the tone for the rest of the day and my husband and I went for an outing, the kind of outing we used to take when we were younger. It was a good Father's Day for him.
A friend told me how wonderful Psalm 18 is, especially in The Message. When I went to it I was especially taken with the very first verse. I've had my Bible open to it ever since and look at it often. It encourages me to trust in God - to trust that He will give me a "firm place to stand."
"I love you, God - you make me strong. God is the bedrock under my feet."
The sleeping, and the result - not accomplishing anything - is depressing. Or is it the other way around? Is it that I don't feel like doing anything, feel depressed, so escape by sleeping?
And yet I have some good times thrown in there as well. I'm really trying to line up things for myself to do, things that I might find stimulating. And yet it is too often hard to motivate myself.
I feel best when I'm around people. Had a wonderful time at church on Sunday. That morning set the tone for the rest of the day and my husband and I went for an outing, the kind of outing we used to take when we were younger. It was a good Father's Day for him.
A friend told me how wonderful Psalm 18 is, especially in The Message. When I went to it I was especially taken with the very first verse. I've had my Bible open to it ever since and look at it often. It encourages me to trust in God - to trust that He will give me a "firm place to stand."
"I love you, God - you make me strong. God is the bedrock under my feet."
Friday, June 19, 2009
Walking on water - Part 2
A couple of weeks ago I told you about the Bible study Living Room would be starting today, John Ortberg's "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." It's based on the story of Peter, leaving the boat in the midst of a storm, walking to Jesus.
There were six of us at this first session. More people will be joining us in the future.
I've been so looking forward to this study, knowing I needed it to help me rebuild my trust in God. Knowing I needed some spiritual food. My friend Helen is facilitating and she is an excellent teacher, a spirit-led person. Her influence has been a big part of my growth, ever since I first started going to her studies and since she became my friend and mentor.
I've been praying a lot over this study, believing that God would answer, that he would help me rebuild my strength with its help.
God did not let me down. By chewing with the other participants on what it meant to leave our boat and what it meant to focus on Jesus and trust in him, I do feel strengthened and encouraged.
After today's lesson I can see that I've been focusing too much on my troubles, my illness, my waves. I've been focusing on those instead of on Jesus and the work God has given me to do. And when you focus on the waves instead of on Jesus, you tend to sink - you start thinking of what's within your own power instead of what's within God's power.
Tonight I feel bright awake - alive. What a wonderful feeling!
There were six of us at this first session. More people will be joining us in the future.
I've been so looking forward to this study, knowing I needed it to help me rebuild my trust in God. Knowing I needed some spiritual food. My friend Helen is facilitating and she is an excellent teacher, a spirit-led person. Her influence has been a big part of my growth, ever since I first started going to her studies and since she became my friend and mentor.
I've been praying a lot over this study, believing that God would answer, that he would help me rebuild my strength with its help.
God did not let me down. By chewing with the other participants on what it meant to leave our boat and what it meant to focus on Jesus and trust in him, I do feel strengthened and encouraged.
After today's lesson I can see that I've been focusing too much on my troubles, my illness, my waves. I've been focusing on those instead of on Jesus and the work God has given me to do. And when you focus on the waves instead of on Jesus, you tend to sink - you start thinking of what's within your own power instead of what's within God's power.
Tonight I feel bright awake - alive. What a wonderful feeling!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
In good hands
Thank God, Living Room is in good hands. We had a volunteer offer to coordinate and facilitate the July and August meetings. And many hands have offered to help with all the other details, like the lunches.
I've had some good days and then some bad. On the bad days, I don't necessarily feel dark, but all I want to do is sleep. And then it's hard to motivate myself to do anything. That lack of motivation is very discouraging and - yes - depressing.
And I wonder: I've been struggling like this for over six months now. How much longer will it continue? When I'm down, I lose all hope. Will I ever be able to get off this roller coaster? Am I doomed to continue the rest of my life in this condition? When can I truly pick up my work with enthusiasm again?
This morning I meditated on Philippians 4:6-7. "The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
And in verse 8, Paul talks about all the excellent and praiseworthy things we need to think about. Good advice. Please, God, help me cling to these verses today.
I have some things lined up to do today. That is good. And I'll see my GP about this excessive sleepiness. Might it be a physical problem? My thyroid maybe?
I've had some good days and then some bad. On the bad days, I don't necessarily feel dark, but all I want to do is sleep. And then it's hard to motivate myself to do anything. That lack of motivation is very discouraging and - yes - depressing.
And I wonder: I've been struggling like this for over six months now. How much longer will it continue? When I'm down, I lose all hope. Will I ever be able to get off this roller coaster? Am I doomed to continue the rest of my life in this condition? When can I truly pick up my work with enthusiasm again?
This morning I meditated on Philippians 4:6-7. "The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
And in verse 8, Paul talks about all the excellent and praiseworthy things we need to think about. Good advice. Please, God, help me cling to these verses today.
I have some things lined up to do today. That is good. And I'll see my GP about this excessive sleepiness. Might it be a physical problem? My thyroid maybe?
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Spent
Isn't it interesting how something dying can actually be quite beautiful - expressive? I photographed some dried up roses today because they said something to me. A person might think I'm depressed to take such pictures. But actually, I'm not today. Have had a good day.
Yesterday's Living Room was wonderful - at least, I felt wonderful being there with everyone. It felt like home. And though I was only leading a small portion of the meeting, it felt good to do so. Such a clear indication that God means for me to do this work.
I've decided to take a holiday from the organizing of Living Room for the summer months. But when asked, no one wanted the meetings to stop for the summer and most of the people at the meeting offered to help out - to make sure it keeps running without me. Good to know the group is so important to them.
I look forward to church tomorrow. My first service in three weeks.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Up and down
Hi everyone,
It has been a long time since I posted. Things haven't been good. Every once in a while a good day and every once in awhile an absolutely horrendous day.
I am grateful for the good weather we've had. I've been able to spend the early morning hours sitting on the patio, listening to the birds, enjoying the flowers, aware of God's presence. Those times have been healing.
I've discovered that one of my worst problems lately has been Living Room. This ministry that always gave me such a feeling of joy has become a burden. I feel very alone with the responsibility - and it is a big responsibility.
Is it the depression that is making it feel like a burden? Or is the burden causing the depression? I'm not sure what it is. I just know that I need a lot of prayer right now for someone to come alongside me to share in the work. I need someone who will share this vision with me.
My own group isn't a problem. I have lots of help there. It's the bigger picture of Living Room - the raising awareness within the church - the helping churches learn how to support people with mental illness. That's where I feel I very much need support.
Every once in awhile my mood dips very low - dangerously low. And then, one or two days later, I'm coping again. Never know how I'm going to wake up in the morning.
And yet I know I need to trust God. I need to remember that he is in charge. And I need to remember to keep talking to him - aware of his presence, grateful for his love and his goodness. I'm trying to cling to God as well as I can.
I'm grateful to Wendy and Susan for your emails - for your concern for me. I appreciate your thinking of me and your prayers.
It has been a long time since I posted. Things haven't been good. Every once in a while a good day and every once in awhile an absolutely horrendous day.
I am grateful for the good weather we've had. I've been able to spend the early morning hours sitting on the patio, listening to the birds, enjoying the flowers, aware of God's presence. Those times have been healing.
I've discovered that one of my worst problems lately has been Living Room. This ministry that always gave me such a feeling of joy has become a burden. I feel very alone with the responsibility - and it is a big responsibility.
Is it the depression that is making it feel like a burden? Or is the burden causing the depression? I'm not sure what it is. I just know that I need a lot of prayer right now for someone to come alongside me to share in the work. I need someone who will share this vision with me.
My own group isn't a problem. I have lots of help there. It's the bigger picture of Living Room - the raising awareness within the church - the helping churches learn how to support people with mental illness. That's where I feel I very much need support.
Every once in awhile my mood dips very low - dangerously low. And then, one or two days later, I'm coping again. Never know how I'm going to wake up in the morning.
And yet I know I need to trust God. I need to remember that he is in charge. And I need to remember to keep talking to him - aware of his presence, grateful for his love and his goodness. I'm trying to cling to God as well as I can.
I'm grateful to Wendy and Susan for your emails - for your concern for me. I appreciate your thinking of me and your prayers.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Walking on water
Still struggling, but working on getting away for a week's holiday. Time away from responsibilities - time with my husband - time to focus on books - perhaps a bit of knitting.
Starting on June 19th Living Roomers are going to have an opportunity to take part in a Bible study by John Ortberg with the title - "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." It is based on the story of Peter leaving his boat in the midst of a storm and walking on water to meet Jesus. What does this story mean for us?
"Walking on water means
- facing your fears and choosing not to let fear have the last word
- discovering and embracing the unique calling of God on your life
- experiencing the power of God to accomplish what you would not be capable of doing on your own."
I've been doing some cheating - reading Ortberg's book to become familiar with what we will study. And I can see how what he says applies to my life right now.
The depression I've been caught in is like my boat - in a stormy sea, scary, feeling like I could sink anytime - without God, relying on myself. But Jesus is waiting for me out on those waves, waiting for me to have the courage and to put forth the effort to meet him and to trust him. I need to leave this boat. I need to want to leave this boat. I need to trust that God is waiting for me to walk to him in faith.
Studying this book is encouraging me.
This will be my last post until I get back in a week.
Starting on June 19th Living Roomers are going to have an opportunity to take part in a Bible study by John Ortberg with the title - "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." It is based on the story of Peter leaving his boat in the midst of a storm and walking on water to meet Jesus. What does this story mean for us?
"Walking on water means
- facing your fears and choosing not to let fear have the last word
- discovering and embracing the unique calling of God on your life
- experiencing the power of God to accomplish what you would not be capable of doing on your own."
I've been doing some cheating - reading Ortberg's book to become familiar with what we will study. And I can see how what he says applies to my life right now.
The depression I've been caught in is like my boat - in a stormy sea, scary, feeling like I could sink anytime - without God, relying on myself. But Jesus is waiting for me out on those waves, waiting for me to have the courage and to put forth the effort to meet him and to trust him. I need to leave this boat. I need to want to leave this boat. I need to trust that God is waiting for me to walk to him in faith.
Studying this book is encouraging me.
This will be my last post until I get back in a week.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The importance of purpose
After a couple of days of sleeping through most of the day, and after a full night's sleep last night, I awoke this morning feeling more positive. I feel ready to start rebuilding. And I am grateful that God has brought me to this place this morning. Were the many hours of sleep God's gift to me, helping me through a difficult time? Perhaps.
A few minutes ago, I watched my cat as he washed himself in a shaft of warm sunshine streaming through the window. And it occurred to me how we humans need so much more than animals do. Animals are content with eating and sleeping. They don't seem to need much else in the way of purpose. But we humans require more than that to be complete. We need a reason to live - a reason that goes beyond acquiring food and rest for ourselves. Without such a purpose life seems meaningless. And when we're depressed and it becomes difficult to pursue a meaningful purpose, we often get so we don't want to live anymore. Lying in the sunshine is not enough to keep us happy.
At the last Living Room meeting two people who were living with depression complained about the lack of purpose they were experiencing. Purpose was what they needed more than anything. How they wished for a reason to get up in the morning! How they wished for something that would give them an appetite for life!
It struck me how this is what we most need help with when we're depressed. How can we help each other find meaning?
In the throes of a black mood, I had breakfast with a good friend yesterday. She ended up our time together asking me what I would do the rest of the day. She asked me to commit myself to filling the dishwasher and getting it going and also to emptying my clothes dryer which had been waiting for my attention for a number of days. She gave me these two items to give some purpose to my day. Something manageable. It occurs to me that this is one of the best things a friend can do for a depressed friend. This helped me find a purpose for that one day. It wasn't much, but it was something I was capable of trying for. No more was required of me for this one day.
Today I feel up to more. I will empty the clothes dryer (which I didn't manage to do yesterday) and I will do more. My dear, patient husband has offered to support me as I catch up on some things I need to do. I will make a list, a simple one for now. And I will putter, thanking God for this better day.
A few minutes ago, I watched my cat as he washed himself in a shaft of warm sunshine streaming through the window. And it occurred to me how we humans need so much more than animals do. Animals are content with eating and sleeping. They don't seem to need much else in the way of purpose. But we humans require more than that to be complete. We need a reason to live - a reason that goes beyond acquiring food and rest for ourselves. Without such a purpose life seems meaningless. And when we're depressed and it becomes difficult to pursue a meaningful purpose, we often get so we don't want to live anymore. Lying in the sunshine is not enough to keep us happy.
At the last Living Room meeting two people who were living with depression complained about the lack of purpose they were experiencing. Purpose was what they needed more than anything. How they wished for a reason to get up in the morning! How they wished for something that would give them an appetite for life!
It struck me how this is what we most need help with when we're depressed. How can we help each other find meaning?
In the throes of a black mood, I had breakfast with a good friend yesterday. She ended up our time together asking me what I would do the rest of the day. She asked me to commit myself to filling the dishwasher and getting it going and also to emptying my clothes dryer which had been waiting for my attention for a number of days. She gave me these two items to give some purpose to my day. Something manageable. It occurs to me that this is one of the best things a friend can do for a depressed friend. This helped me find a purpose for that one day. It wasn't much, but it was something I was capable of trying for. No more was required of me for this one day.
Today I feel up to more. I will empty the clothes dryer (which I didn't manage to do yesterday) and I will do more. My dear, patient husband has offered to support me as I catch up on some things I need to do. I will make a list, a simple one for now. And I will putter, thanking God for this better day.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
To live with hope
I haven't found the stability that I had hoped for. Am once more on a downward spiral and it gets quite tiresome. Every time I find some hope, I fall down again. One step forward and two steps back.
And although I know my problem is medical, I also know that spiritually I'm not in a good place.
The beginning of Living Room and the growth of it was God's doing. All I had to do was to be God's voice, hands and feet. I was just a little foot soldier, following along. And that's what made it successful. The sense of failure I now have I can tell is simply because I'm looking at Living Room as "my" work and not "God's" work. I feel I'm not wise enough or strong enough to carry it. If I were in the right place spiritually, I would not feel this way. I would rest in God. I would let Him do His thing and follow along - trusting.
I pray today that I will learn to trust God more. I pray that I would look to God for strength and not to myself.
On June 19th we're starting a Bible study for Living Roomers called, "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." Peter got out of the boat to walk to Jesus. But when he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the waves, he began to sink. He thought in terms of what "he" was capable of on his own. He looked to himself.
I've been taking my eyes off Jesus. Looking at my own lack of wisdom and strength, as though that's what it's about - as though that's what I had to depend on. Yet that's not what it's about at all. It's not about me and what I can do. It's all about God and what God can do. I can do nothing without God.
And although I know my problem is medical, I also know that spiritually I'm not in a good place.
The beginning of Living Room and the growth of it was God's doing. All I had to do was to be God's voice, hands and feet. I was just a little foot soldier, following along. And that's what made it successful. The sense of failure I now have I can tell is simply because I'm looking at Living Room as "my" work and not "God's" work. I feel I'm not wise enough or strong enough to carry it. If I were in the right place spiritually, I would not feel this way. I would rest in God. I would let Him do His thing and follow along - trusting.
I pray today that I will learn to trust God more. I pray that I would look to God for strength and not to myself.
On June 19th we're starting a Bible study for Living Roomers called, "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." Peter got out of the boat to walk to Jesus. But when he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the waves, he began to sink. He thought in terms of what "he" was capable of on his own. He looked to himself.
I've been taking my eyes off Jesus. Looking at my own lack of wisdom and strength, as though that's what it's about - as though that's what I had to depend on. Yet that's not what it's about at all. It's not about me and what I can do. It's all about God and what God can do. I can do nothing without God.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
A smaller cocktail
I saw my pdoc yesterday and he has reduced my medication cocktail - taken me off two meds. I've been having huge tremor issues (very embarrassing) and trouble with short-term memory. Now I'm only on four meds, much better than six.
Trouble is, I woke up at 3am and couldn't sleep again.
The flupenthixol I take as an anti-psychotic is a stimulant and it's now making me feel like my old self. Happy and energetic. It feels very good. And my tremors are not bothering me as much.
Now all I need to worry about is getting enough sleep.
Nevertheless, I love this up feeling. I should be able to accomplish a lot.
Trouble is, I woke up at 3am and couldn't sleep again.
The flupenthixol I take as an anti-psychotic is a stimulant and it's now making me feel like my old self. Happy and energetic. It feels very good. And my tremors are not bothering me as much.
Now all I need to worry about is getting enough sleep.
Nevertheless, I love this up feeling. I should be able to accomplish a lot.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The ride for mental health
Yesterday was a big day for Mel Thomson, the man who is going to cross Canada to raise awareness about mental health and raise funds to help people with mental illness. I'm excited about this and will be following him over the next 100 days. Please check out his blog . Thanks to the internet we can follow him and send words of encouragement. Let's cheer him on. He has many hills ahead of him, much tough riding. But knowing there are people to cheer him on will really help.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Meds kicking in?
I'm so pleased. Today I actually seemed to feel more like my old self - a self I had not felt in quite awhile. It's probably because I've gone back to my old treatment regime - to the cocktail that worked so well for me in the past. My pdoc said it would take a couple of weeks to kick in and I think it's starting to do that now.
How wonderful it would be if I could stay like this for awhile! I'd be able to accomplish so much more. I'd smile a lot more. I pray that I will now have turned around - back to a more stable me.
Tomorrow we're going to Saltspring Island to visit my sister. We'll be back on Monday. Hope the weather will be good.
And I hope the sun will shine on you too, wherever you might be.
How wonderful it would be if I could stay like this for awhile! I'd be able to accomplish so much more. I'd smile a lot more. I pray that I will now have turned around - back to a more stable me.
Tomorrow we're going to Saltspring Island to visit my sister. We'll be back on Monday. Hope the weather will be good.
And I hope the sun will shine on you too, wherever you might be.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mental health and churches
There is a relatively new website called Hope and Healing. It features many different articles on faith and health. Today there is a wonderful interview there with the author of Darkness my Only Companion, Kathryn Green-McCreight, a priest who has suffered with depression. She gives some very good pointers on what congregations can do for their members who have mental illness. She also talks about what we can do for the family of a suicide victim.
Another article on their home page is an excerpt from my book, A Firm Place to Stand. In Misconceptions I talk about how people with bipolar disorder and depression are misunderstood by family and friends.
Good reading for Christians who want to know how to be supportive to their friends with depression.
Another article on their home page is an excerpt from my book, A Firm Place to Stand. In Misconceptions I talk about how people with bipolar disorder and depression are misunderstood by family and friends.
Good reading for Christians who want to know how to be supportive to their friends with depression.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Building - carving
I was thinking tonight of how much I love to make things happen. To build something that hasn't been built before. To carve something beautiful.
And I'm thinking, I AM building something. I AM carving something. And if I can keep my mood up like it is tonight, it WILL be beautiful.
I completed a Living Room brochure and have high hopes for it doing a lot of good. So many places we could put it. So informative it would be for people wanting to know more.
Now I just have to find a way of printing it. It's in colour and I realized today it would cost a fortune to print. Like 65 - 70 cents a piece!!! What did I do designing such a thing? Why didn't I think of printing costs? Uggh!
But I will find a way, even if I have to print them all myself, using my printer at home - s-l-o-w.
I've been stable for several days now and I'm hoping I'll stay here for awhile now. I want to keep building and carving and shaping. How much difference a good mood can make to one's life!!!
And I'm thinking, I AM building something. I AM carving something. And if I can keep my mood up like it is tonight, it WILL be beautiful.
I completed a Living Room brochure and have high hopes for it doing a lot of good. So many places we could put it. So informative it would be for people wanting to know more.
Now I just have to find a way of printing it. It's in colour and I realized today it would cost a fortune to print. Like 65 - 70 cents a piece!!! What did I do designing such a thing? Why didn't I think of printing costs? Uggh!
But I will find a way, even if I have to print them all myself, using my printer at home - s-l-o-w.
I've been stable for several days now and I'm hoping I'll stay here for awhile now. I want to keep building and carving and shaping. How much difference a good mood can make to one's life!!!
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