Praise God!

I heard from someone in Victoria last night, wanting to set up a conference call with me because people in her church are planning to start a Living Room. And one of the co-facilitators from my own group is planning to start a group of her own in Vancouver. I've been praying for a group there. My prayer is being answered.

There are now five Living Rooms and another four in the planning stages. Thank God! The movement of this much needed ministry is spreading.

Between Living Room and promoting my book it's beginning to look like I have almost a full-time job. And that's a lot for me, someone who was never able to have a career, not able to work because of the severity of her disorder. I pray that all will go well and that I'll be able to meet all the demands on me.

I'm thankful that I wake up early and have a couple of hours of quiet time to spend with God and reflect before I start the day. That really helps a lot. And I have learned to focus on only one job at a time, not worrying about the big picture but only looking at the portion I'm working on.

Yesterday was a big day. I partnered with the Mood Disorder Association of BC in presenting a workshop for a group of new support group facilitators. So good to have this partnership. Vikki Rogers did a wonderful job of teaching and guiding us through role playing exercises. In the afternoon I had time with the facilitators of the Christian groups (seven people) and we discussed the spiritual aspects of facilitating Living Room.

My own group in Burnaby is starting a Bible study which will meet every Friday that we don't have a regular Living Room meeting. For some of our people Living Room is like their church, because they have had bad experiences - feeling judged in regular churches. Every church needs to have an opportunity for Bible Study. Someone in our church has volunteered to teach the class, so we are able to meet this need.

Please understand if I don't blog as much as I used to or if I don't always visit your blog. My work load seems to be increasing all the time, and sometimes it's wisest for me to spend my free time with my husband, with a friend, or with a sudoku puzzle. We have to keep things balanced, don't we?

Trust

At Living Room on Friday we're going to talk about trust. Being able to trust in God - to trust our ability to be well - to trust our doctor, etc. etc. It's so important to a life of peace. It's so important to our health.

When I start getting symptoms that indicate a depression might be coming on, it's important that I can trust that it won't happen. When I trust and rely on God to help me avert it, I have a much greater chance of staying well. Someone - and I'm too lazy right now to check the source - once said that when we fear God we need fear nothing else. Of course he did not mean to "be afraid" of God; he meant to believe in God and his power - to be in awe of God.

To have bipolar disorder can bring on a lot of fears because we have had so many bad experiences of depression, mania and psychosis. The slightest indication that something is going wrong can bring on anxiety, making it even more likely that it will.

In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus speaks poetically: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear....Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"...(I won't type out the entire piece.) But then Jesus says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Jesus is not saying that we will have immunity to the problems of life, but by trusting God instead of ourselves, we will have confidence in spite of them. When we seek the kingdom of God we will find purpose, power and direction. We forget about being anxious. We trust where God is taking us. It's through faith, hope and extending God's love to others - as God loves us - that we will experience this kingdom of God - this kingdom where God's rule prevails.

I've spent a fair amount of time reading various authors' thoughts and explanations of what Jesus meant by "the kingdom of God" and "the kingdom of heaven." Jesus mentions these phrases over 80 times in the gospels. It's something we should try to understand. Too often we overlook these phrases, assuming that Jesus is talking about what we'll experience after we die. But Jesus did say, "The kingdom of God is upon us." We can start experiencing the kingdom of heaven today by submitting to God's rule and being the kind of people he intended us to be.

I got kind of side-tracked here, moving from trust and anxiety to the kingdom of God. But that's just how my thoughts travelled today.

Did I make sense? What do you understand about the kingdom of God?

Can God accept me?

I had a comment on my last post from B. I want to address the questions she poses here, realizing that there may be other people with similar problems. You sound like you're in deep pain, B., and I hope this post will help.

B. wrote, "I did things as a result of my impulses and emotions and feelings from my mania that I was so ashamed of, but I didn't feel I could tell anyone at my church." When we're manic we often do things we're later ashamed of, things we would not do if we were stable. But because we do it as a result of our disorder, doesn't make it right. It's true that we need to fight our impulses and get medical help to prevent us from this. And when we stabilize, we have to try, in whatever way we can, make things right. This would include asking God for forgiveness. But God will continue to love you. You are His child, and he will forgive.

B. ends her comment with "My relationship with God has been very distant since last summer, and things have changed a lot in my life (for the better). I still wonder though; can I assume that God would still accept me? Am I even sure I believe in God or that He's worth my heart again, after such a deep feeling of abandonment?"

I need to tell you, B., that God will always accept you and love you. He may not accept what we do, but he never stops loving us. He will forgive if we, with all sincerity, ask for his forgiveness. God realizes that you did not do the things you did because you wanted to sin. He realizes that you have an illness that made you do them. He will forgive.

B., you said something that I think is completely the wrong way to look at things. You said, "I still believed that Christian attitudes had to be a reflection of God's attitudes, and if they would judge me for sinning because of something I couldn't control, God would too; if they couldn't accept me, how could God?"

God does not follow people's examples. It is not people's place to judge. We have all sinned. How can we judge others?

Remember the Pharisees who wanted to stone the woman caught in adultery? Check out this story in John 8:1-11. I think it will do you good.

Jesus said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone." One by one the men left. Then Jesus said to the woman, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

God does not follow people. If people are not accepting of you, that does not at all mean that God won't accept you. God does not listen to people's judgement. He is in charge, not people. We can trust God to always be there for us, to always love us, to always want the best for us, to always help us when we want to do better. God can transform you if you will trust him and seek him each day with all your heart.

I hope this has helped, B. I hope you don't give up on God, because He will never give up on you. His love is unconditional.

Misconceptions - UGGH!!!

Canadian Christianity has another excerpt from A Firm Place to Stand up. The title is Misconceptions and in it I outline the problem many Christians have, spiritualizing mental health problems like depression. I spell it out really well.

But, lo and behold, someone comments - compassionately enough - but totally NOT getting it. She writes, "Surely, it is spiritual if you break it down to the very root cause....Perhaps a multi action plan would be of use. Spiritual instruction, positive confession, meds and human support."

This is the kind of stigma that exists amongst many Christians. This is the reason many people with mental illness feel judged when they go to church. This is the reason many stop going to church and end up receiving no encouragement in their faith.

I feel so frustrated. Here I spell it out so carefully and it has done no good. I feel I need to return a comment of my own and will eventually do that. First I need to cool down and talk with my two close friends. And - wouldn't you know it - they're not home. And I need them.

I'm just glad I have you out there, my blogging pals. And please, if you feel as I do about this, please write your own comment on that article. I would very much appreciate it. A lot of people read that website and many of them truly don't understand. They need to be educated. Can you help do that?

I feel angry at the stigma, not at the lady who shows the lack of understanding. And I feel even more determined to bust that stigma. Will you help me?

An illness like any other

Michelle's difficulty with accepting her diagnosis of bipolar disorder prompts me to share an excerpt from my first book, Riding the Roller Coaster. Throughout the writing of this book I held in mind the people who were newly diagnosed and how hard it is to come to terms with it and how hard it is to learn to cope.

An Illness Like Any Other

"What consoles me is that I am beginning to consider madness
as an illness like any other, and that I accept is as such."
- Vincent van Gogh, in a letter to his brother, 1889

We always think of mental illness as something that happens to other people, not to us. To be diagnosed with depression or manic depression is a scary thing. But how we cope with our mood disorder is largely determined by how we look at it. If we can accept it as the illness it is - an illness like any other - we will be ready to move ahead with our lives in a positive way.
The negative view much of society has of mental disorders is partly due to the fact that people do not understand there is usually a physical basis for these illnesses, often in the form of a chemical imbalance. This imbalance is treatable with medication. With effective treatment most of us can live close-to-normal lives. Mental illness is an illness like any other.
In fact, mood disorders are comparable to other illnesses, such as diabetes. A diabetic is not to blame for his or her illness. Neither is a person with a mood disorder. Just as diabetes can cause serious disability and even death, so can mood disorders. Diabetics often require the use of medication to maintain stable blood sugar levels. People with mood disorders also require medication, in their case, to maintain emotional balance. Finally, as is the case with those who have diabetes, if people with mood disorders take their medications regularly, chances are they will live a close-to-normal life.
Nevertheless, because of the fear of having a "shameful" condition, or of being labeled by society, many don't search out the help they so desperately need. What results is much unnecessary suffering by people who could otherwise have been helped.
In recent years much research has been done and doctors, mental health associations, societies and libraries can provide much information. Mood disorder self-support groups are an especially good source of information. Here we can find pertinent literature and discuss affective illnesses with others who have problems similar to our own.
As we come to terms with our disease we learn to understand how imperative medications and other treatments are - how they form the basis for our well-being. Once we have the physical aspects of our illness under control, we can prepare to take charge of our lives and make the most of the strengths we all have.
As we walk with our friends and acquaintances, we should walk with self-assurance. In that great family of individuals who suffer from personal problems, sicknesses, and handicaps, each of us is a unique yet ordinary member.

Note: I wrote the above ten years ago. It was utterly unthinkable to me that a person with bipolar disorder could manage without medication. I know it has never been possible for me. I also know that the majority of people with bipolar disorder that I come across - and I meet many in the work I do - medication is necessary if they are to function normally. However, I also know that in the blogs I've read there are a number of people who are making it without or with very little medication. I would not recommend trying to persevere without medical care at the cost of being unstable. Bipolar disorder can cause a lot of damage - to our finances, our relationships, our safety, and even the safety of those around us. It needs to be adequately managed. Medications can make a good, productive life possible.

Dear Michelle...

Yesterday I received an email from Michelle, someone who is suffering feelings that are very common to people with mood disorders. I'm not sure whether her diagnosis is unipolar or bipolar disorder. I just know that she has been depressed for the past five months. I'd like to share with you what she wrote so that the many of you who I know probably feel similarly can benefit from this as well.

Michelle wrote:

"I was diagnosed with a mood disorder years ago and was on meds with no real luck. I guess I seem to always think I'm just weak and a moral failure. Was this true for you at one point too? I know I need to be on meds now, but I'm breastfeeding my 6 month old, but I'm a wreck! I try to hold things all together and can manage but things are crazy.

Anyway, I just wanted to write b/c I found your website and I don't know anyone with a mood disorder and it is lonely and isolating to feel so different than everyone else i know who are consistent people."

Dear Michelle,

I'm sorry you haven't had any luck with medications. That can indeed make things tough. I hope though that you don't give up. There are new meds coming out all the time. Eventually you may find something that will help you. You say that you need to be on meds but are breastfeeding. If that means that you're not taking meds so that you can breastfeed, I wonder if you shouldn't reconsider. When I had my baby I stopped breastfeeding so that I could go back on medication. There was no way I could emotionally have been the kind of mother I needed to be without the medication. If you're not doing well right now, I would suggest you discuss this with your doctor.

You asked if I ever felt weak and a moral failure. I think I feel that way every time I get depressed as well. That's one of the worst things about depression. If you're feeling that way, I hope it will make you feel better to know that this feeling is simply your depression talking. Being depressed does not mean you are weak. It simply means that you have an illness - an illness that affects your thinking, making the usually optimistic you feel pessimistic.

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and isolated. That too is a symptom of depression. But please realize that there are many many people who suffer like you do. You are not alone. Why not check and see if there is a support group in your area? There's nothing like having a place to share time with others who suffer as you do. One of the best benefits is the realization that you are not alone. That in itself is a relief to know and will be a comfort to you.

I wish you well Michelle and pray that you will soon recover and be able to thoroughly enjoy your baby.

Take care,
marja

I need some sleep!

I'm s-o-o tired. Since we got back from holidays ten days ago I only got up after 5am twice and several times around 4am. It's a good thing I keep track of this in my journal so I can see when things are going wrong. I go to bed around 10pm so getting up at 5 means that I get 7 hours sleep. That's not too bad. But I've had less hours than that. Not good.

Thing is, I like getting up early. I love that long quiet time in the morning. And, once I'm awake, I can seldom get back to sleep again, even if I wanted to. The fluanxol I take as an anti-psychotic causes this because it's a stimulant. Most of the time this drug has been good for me, but perhaps I need to reduce the dose. Will talk to my pdoc about it next week.

I'm having some mild mood problems that suggest I could be in for a depression. I'll need to watch that. But I'm on prozac so I doubt that it will happen, especially if I put all my coping strategies in place.

Rest is what I need, but not so much that I'd get bored or lethargic. I'll have to put less things on my to-do list for the next few days. I should get together with some friends. Keep busy, but not too busy. Play some good music. Try to do things that I enjoy, instead of always feeling I have to accomplish things. I need a sabbath day.

If I could just get one solid eight hour night of sleep I think I'd be fine. How good that would be!

A photograph and other stuff

This was a good day. I've been dealing a bit with the stress of the work I need to do promoting A Firm Place to Stand. Knowing that I need to get the publicity within the first three months means there's a fair amount of pressure on me to get the words out there - to have the book noticed.

I may sound kind of greedy, like I want to be famous or sell a lot of books so I can make money, but that's not it at all. The reason I wrote the book is because I want it to make a difference. I want it to help people dealing with mental illness and I want to educate Christians so that there will be less stigma. I need to get it into a lot of hands if it's going to make that kind of difference.

Yesterday something good happened. 100 Huntley Street, a popular Christian TV show, repeated an interview they did with me, my pastor, and a couple of people from Living Room. Then they announced the new book. Put a picture of it on the screen. National coverage! Wow!!

Today canadianchristianity.com published an excerpt from the book, one of my favorite pieces. It tells of how I saw the kind of love Jesus has for us in the face of a young girl I photographed. If you go to the home page of the website, you will see the picture I write about. It's cropped a bit too much, but you'll get the idea.

Though I have a lot of work to do, today I no longer felt the stress. I've put together a press release, a pitch letter, a bio, and a page of endorsements and comments. Each day I will send out one or two press kits. Everything is under control and I'm having fun. I do enjoy publicity work; I enjoy promoting things I believe strongly in. Every time I promote this book, there's an opportunity to reduce the stigma a bit more. Such worthwhile work to have! I'm very grateful that God has given me this to do.

Today I also finally finished sorting through Mom-in-law's stuff. On Saturday, when the family comes over, we'll see who would like to have what as a keepsake. The rest I'll give away.

And tonight I will play a game with my husband. Time to relax.

On track

I want to thank PJ, Nancie, Jena, and Susan for your helpful comments and offers for help when I felt so overwhelmed yesterday. It was truly good to have you there.

Yesterday morning I had a great two hour quiet time, journaling, writing yesterday's post, and emailing a friend. Prayer was a big part of it. By the end of that time I felt quite a bit better.

Susan listed several things I needed to do to help me through this busy time. Actually yesterday afternoon I did some of that. After church I came home and - with the help of some books I have on how to promote your book - I made a list of the things I need to prepare to send out to the press. Then I sat down and wrote a press release, the most difficult part of it. I was happy with how it turned out. I also started on some other things. Now I feel that, although I'm still busy, I have things in control. And having control is the most important thing, isn't it?

I do love working on publicity for things I believe in. Have done a lot of it over the years, even selling 4000 copies of a little book I put together, "The Camper's Cookbook." So I think I'd like to keep control over the promotion of A Firm Place. There are so many angles from which I can talk about it. It's news, actually.

Last week there was a series in the Vancouver Sun about the stigma towards mental illness. I was able to pick up on that and talk about the stigma that some Christians still harbour...and considering they are trying to follow Christ who modelled unconditional love! I tried to focus on the tragedy of that and the damage that causes to people who believe in God but are driven away from the church because they feel judged there. A Firm Place to Stand can prompt discussion on a lot of important issues.

Susan also suggested a press release emailing service. I looked this up and found a company I'd like to use. My husband won't be happy with yet another expense, but I think this is important. I very much need to get the word out. Still not totally decided, but it's looking like I'll do that. (Just hope I don't have a divorce over it.:) Thank you, Susan, for letting me know about this opportunity.

Another point Susan made was that I should get some help with Living Room. Actually, I'm happy - and proud - to say that I get lots of help. The members have truly taken ownership and, though I lead it, I'm not alone in the work at all. I have people helping with the food and the phoning. And at the last meeting one of our members had her debut leading the devotional and discussion. I was thrilled with the job she did. Perhaps she'll one day lead a new Living Room somewhere?

Now it's time for a shower; time to get a new day started. Hope you all have a good one.

Overwhelmed

I'm healthy, but - I think quite understandably - feeling overwhelmed about all the things I have on my plate. I feel as though I'm trying to live the lives of half a dozen people, all at one time. And I don't know how I'm going to manage to do all I need to do. In fact, I don't think I will manage. What I need to do is figure out what is most important - be efficient with my time. Good thing I've had a holiday and I do have energy. I just wish there were more of me.

I've been studying how to publicize and market books...and wow! All the things I should be doing! No wonder publicists are so costly. They have a huge job to do. And, not being able to afford one, I will have to do that myself. And I need to try to do this as well as I can, because I believe A Firm Place to Stand is a book that will help fight stigma, and that is so very important. I want the book to be out there and read by many people.

The Vancouver Sun had a series of pieces about mental illness last week, pointing out the effects of stigma on the welfare of people with mental illness. It's a terrible situation. This has to change. And I believe my book and the things I have to say can be a building block in helping change come about. I want to speak to the media. I want people to learn more. I want to help compassion grow.

But I also have a 94-year-old mom who needs me. And I have Living Room and its people. Not just my group, but the other groups I'd like to help grow. I want to keep time for the people that come to me for support. I want to write articles. I want to blog.

This will be a busy week. I'm getting ready for a family barbecue at our house. We will be going through some of my mother-in-law's things to divide up the memories of her between us. I still need to go through her boxes. (a huge mess to clean up and organize) I'll need to clean house and cook.

I am overwhelmed with all the things I need to do, especially raising awareness about the need for support of people with mental illness by the church. I know I'm in a position to do some good. I feel the responsibility in a big way. But how can I best do it with the little resources of time I have? Where should I concentrate my efforts?

Please, God, lead me in the best way to go. I know I'm not on my own with this. This is, after all, your work and not my own. I shouldn't worry so much. I should realize that the burden is not all mine to carry. Help me to take aim with my writing tools and publicity in a way that will do the most good.

Dropping in

Hi everyone. I just thought I should drop in and let you know I'm still alive. We had a wonderful holiday. I did a lot of reading. What a treat it was to be able to do that without distractions!

I came home to a huge amount of phone calls and emails to respond to. A pleasure to do, but leaving very little time for blogging. My blogging has been getting as bad and sporadic as my Curves workouts. So much to do. And, when I do have some time, I just want to retreat to my favourite chair with my journal and a cup of coffee. Or I take some time to play Ticket to Ride with my husband. I don't like to blog or work out when I have to cram it into my schedule. It's all part of taking care of myself.

I did check in on a couple of you. Found out that Jena is out of hospital (Yes!!). And that Merelyme left a beautiful message about me on her blog. (Thank you so much for the affirmation, Merelyme.)

Perhaps after Living Room today, I'll be able to take a bit more time to check on you all and to read what you've been up to and how you've been. I will try.

I'm faring well, in spite of the huge busyness of promoting A Firm Place to Stand. But it's work I love to do and work I believe in - happy work. I'm just very grateful God has given me this purpose to live for.

FYI, canadianchristianity.com has re-published an article I wrote last year. I was thrilled to have received an award for that article and am happy they have chosen to run it again.

Must go now and gather things together for my Living Room meeting.

Gone fishing

Yes, we're literally going fishing, for about ten days. Actually my husband will be fishing while I enjoy some glorious hours of reading - and maybe a bit of writing.

See you again around August 19th.

Who has sinned?

At Living Room this Friday I'd like to once more discuss the topic of stigma. Stigma is something so many of us have trouble dealing with. Stigma often causes even more pain than the symptoms of our illness do. Stigma causes many of us to deny we have a problem. We're afraid to face up to the fact that we have a mental illness. So we don't go for help. We reject the medical care that might help us live easier lives. Stigma causes a lot of damage.

In Jesus' day too there was stigma attached to all forms of illness. Illness and disability was believed to be caused by a person's personal sin.

Jesus and his disciples came upon a blind man. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:2-3)

If we could only believe what Jesus says here! If we could only stand up to that stigma and not accept it! If we could only live, knowing that our illness is not our fault and that we are as okay as anyone else! We only happen to have a disorder, just like people have other disorders. If we could only manage to live without any sense of shame!

I have spoken openly about my life with bipolar disorder for over ten years now. I'm fortunate that I was able to do that, without fear of reprisals from employers that might not take kindly to having someone with a mental illness working for them. (My husband supports me well.) Having my articles and book published has been tremendously helpful. People respect me for coming out in the open. I have found friends who support me and understand me, fully knowing my problems.

There's nothing more wonderful than to be able to live without having to hide anything. I have no need to lie. I can be myself - fully, authentically myself. What freedom!

I wish this were possible for everyone!

Is this possible for you? Could you afford to me more open about your problems? How are you dealing with stigma?

Marathon blogger

My friend Isabella Mori just completed a gruelling 24-hour blogging marathon, posting every 30 minutes during that time. She did this to raise funds for the Canadian Mental Health Association (Burnaby-Vancouver Branch). In the process she ended up talking about my new book A Firm Place to Stand as well as other topics on the church and mental health.

If you're interested in how Isabella and her commenters dealt with the topic of the Christian faith and its response to mental illness check out these posts. They make for interesting reading:

http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-2008-helping-people-with-mood-disorders/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-mental-health-support-in-churches/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-about-the-church-again/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/blogathon-leaving-a-cult/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/mental-illness-stigma-in-churches-an-occasion-for-self-reflection/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/how-christian-churches-respond-to-people-with-mental-illness/
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/mental-health-and-churches/

Being yourself

I happened upon a little quote tonight that a lot of you have probably heard before. But I can see so much truth in it, I thought I would share it here:

"Be who you are and say what you feel...
Because those that matter... don't mind...
And those that mind... don't matter."

I'm glad I have lots of people in my life with whom I can be who I am and to whom I can say what I feel and they don't mind. Such freedom to be able to be like that with people!

I used to have social phobia and worried about everything I said and what people thought of me. But no more. Today I feel free to be who I am. I'm so very grateful about that.

...just a little tidbit of a thought.

A life of significance

At Living Room yesterday we talked about a topic that was prompted by Erwin Raphael McManus's new book Wide Awake. We talked about what God made us to do. What happened to the dreams we had when we were young?

I was a bit worried about bringing up such a topic, knowing that for some of our members just trying to survive is an achievement. I had to be sensitive to where they were at. So I apologetically introduced this, telling the group I realized that it might be hard to think in these terms.

And indeed, as we started the session the eighteen or so people seated around the table just stared at me when I asked them if they had ever wondered why they're here - why God gave them this life. My heart sank.

But as I carried on the topic - about how the world needs us and how we are all called to serve the greater good - the group gradually started to come to life. We explored the many different ways in which we can contribute.

In McManus's words: "We need to live wide awake [and not just dream] because there are diseases killing millions and we need to find a cure, famines leaving multitudes starving and we need to provide food, economies leaving families homeless and we need to create opportunities for work and wealth, genocide that must be stopped, slavery that must be ended, water wells that must be dug, children who need to be loved, relationships that need to be healed, elderly who need to be cared for, beauty that needs to be created, futures that need to be saved, and dreams that we must not let die or go unfulfilled."

And when you think of those times when you're not well - depressed perhaps - you should realize that "there is never a point in your life where you lack value or significance. There's always something for you to contribute."

In the end the meeting turned out well. Many contributed to the discussion, talking about how they have benefited from doing volunteer work, from helping others. We talked about how good it is to wake up in the morning with a purpose in mind. We talked about how living for this purpose is healing to us, especially when the focus is on others.

What do you love to get up to do? How do the activities you do for the greater good contribute to your wellness?

Such happiness!

What do you do when you're so happy that, waking up at 3:30 in the morning, you can't get back to sleep again? This happened Sunday morning. I was too happy to sleep. I felt like there was something I should do with such happiness. Dance or something. But I mostly just sat around...feeling that flood of good feelings - not able to do a thing with it.

The reason for this great joy was the party on Saturday. It turned out beautifully. Seventy of my friends and acquaintance gathered in our yard to celebrate the launch of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand. The weather was beautiful, the food was great, the garden was full of flowers, and everyone was happy.

There were people who I had supported through hard times. And it was so neat to have them here for this occasion. So good to see them doing better. People from my church came, from my writer's group, from Living Room, family members, neighbors and old friends. A couple of people from the Mood Disorders Association of BC came as well.

I was so fortunate to have friends helping me with this big event. My daughter-in-law Jeannette, a cook who loves to experiment made some very interesting appetizers, including dates stuffed with goat cheese. My friend Cita made a variety of hot appetizers and sold books for me. And I don't know what I would have done without my friend Helen. She made sure the food tables were always well stocked and was on her feet through the entire event. Cita's and Helen's husbands and my husband worked hard the day before putting up seven canopies. What a lot of support I received!

Now - in the words of my friend Helen - a new chapter of my life will begin. I will need to promote the book, using it to encourage Christians who have mental illness and to get the word out about the importance of faith-based support. It's time to get to work trying to make a further dent in the stigma that exists - my focus the Christian church.

For Jena

A couple of days ago I visited Jena in hospital. I had for a long time been wanting her to play the piano for me - because I love piano music and because I heard her play one of her songs before and it was beautiful - original - soulful.

She couldn't imagine why I would want her to play for me - doesn't think her music is that good. But I wanted to hear what would come out of her, knowing the creative mood she's in, knowing that she plays from the heart - not music written by others, but her very own music.

Jena is self-conscious about playing, so we turned the lights off and she played in the dark. She played - not anything she had spent time composing - simply whatever came to her. And it was truly beautiful. She is an excellent pianist and a very creative composer. Her playing did something for me. It made me feel like I needed to do something creative too. Haven't done that for so long!

One advantage to being bipolar is that this disorder and the strong moods that come with it often make us very creative people. This is particularly true for Jena right now. She's trying her hand at painting, eager to learn about mixing colors. She's keeping a collage journal. And she's writing. Such a lot to get out right now - such a lot of feelings to give expression to!

Those of us who know Jena - in real life and from her blog - need to pray that she will find stability so her life won't be so difficult. We need to pray that her doctor will find an answer for her.

Jena asked me to post one of the watercolors I've done. I think I posted this before, but it was a long time ago. I don't think any of you will remember. This is a Dutch street scene, taken from a painting my dad did years ago. Different from his in that I drew it first with India ink, but the same composition.

New website

Last night my new website went live. I hope you'll have a look at www.marjabergen.com. It's only a single page, however it was amazing how much went into it. I'm very grateful to my son Cornelius and his wife Jeannette of Matchbox Creative for designing it. They make a talented team. Jeannette is a great designer and Cornie is a clever programmer.

Thing about creating such a thing is all the information that you need to make sure it's perfect. The research into what I needed to charge for shipping alone took half a day to do. Trying to find the best way to ship something is not as straight forward as one would think. And the costs are much more than one would think they should be.

Cornie was wonderful helping me figure out what was most important to put on the site. And Jeannette had the great idea to create an eblast to send to everyone I know. This announces the new book and alerts people to the website.

How fortunate I am to have such talented children who care so much about what I'm doing!

The launch of A Firm Place to Stand is only three days away. I'm excited but holding together. If you remember, could you offer up a prayer for me now and then?

Big party coming

It has been so long since I wrote here. I'm afraid my lazy blogging habits are starting to become a regular thing. Wish it weren't so, because blogging has always been so important to me. But life has been very complex...yet isn't it for everyone?

In a week from today I'll be having my book launch for A Firm Place to Stand. We're planning a big party in the garden, hoping the weather will co-operate. I've lost track of the number of people I've invited but sixty have confirmed so far. Many yet to hear from. Weather had better be good, eh? Fitting sixty or more people into my house would be an impossibility, unless we put some in the bedrooms and others in the laundry room :) (just kidding)

I've had some stress to deal with, though, and the stress still continues somewhat. There is a slight possibility the books won't get here in time. Though they're due to arrive on the 17th, they have to cross the border and there's always a possibility they'll get held up there. Another 50 have been sent as a rush, the publisher spending a lot to send them that way. Hopefully they will at least arrive.

I do have one copy in hand and it's beautiful. I'm very happy with how it turned out. Now I can't wait to have people read it.

I did get a huge kick showing the book to my 94-year-old mother and watching as she read what I had written about her. Her eyesight is failing, yet the typesetting is so clear and easy to read that she had no trouble with it. I'll always remember how her eyes traveled across the page, her face intent. Should have taken a picture.

My son Cornelius and his wife Jeannette, the talents behind Matchbox Creative, have done a wonderful job designing an eblast which I will send out next week to those of you I have email addresses for. It will announce the book and link you to my new website, where you'll see how you can order your copy.

Now I have much to get ready for the big day. Today I wrote down the things I wanted to say. No doubt I'll want to edit over the next few days.

There will be a great mix of people at the party, a very exciting thing to look forward to: my psychiatrist, a few other mental health workers, members from my writing group, people from my church, many members of Living Room, neighbors, family and friends. Children are welcome and will be supervised in painting a mural. Someone might even be making balloon animals for them. What a happy day it will be!

Now all we need is a sunny day. Please pray for us.

Hard to believe

It's hard to believe how my mental health has improved over the years. Amazing how far I have come!

The friends from my current church who have known me for four or five years think I've made great strides since they got to know me. But they didn't know me in the years before that. They have no idea how much improvement I've made!

I recall the time I became angry at my husband at a park. I yelled and screamed at him, making a huge scene. And I wouldn't let up. I used to yell and scream a lot.

I recall months in a mental hospital, not able to speak - delusional, paranoid, (more than I can talk about here). Going through a series of electro-convulsive shock treatments. Twenty years of living with a diagnosis of schizophrenia when it was later found that I had type 1 bipolar disorder.

I recall weeks and months spent in my bedroom, either in deep depression or psychotic.

I recall going to the church every day for some little thing or just to hang out. At one point the secretary even lost her temper with me, letting me know that they had work to do and I was in the way.

I recall doing odd things, behaving oddly, saying odd things, being awkward socially, getting into embarrassing situations.

Today I can honestly say I have been healed...to a high degree anyway. I feel like a normal person - stable, content and at peace. There are a lot of exciting things happening in my life right now: A Firm Place to Stand ready for release with a big book launch planned, my Living Room doing well with three new groups being established in the fall (one of them all the way in New Zealand). Yet I feel calm - not high in the slightest degree - at peace with it all.

Yes I've found healing. I still have bipolar disorder and I'm sure I'll have more mood disturbances, yet to a large degree I've found wellness and normality.

What's making me so well?

• a good concoction of medications,
• the support of loving friends,
• my faith in a God who I can trust and who I know loves me,
• spending a couple of hours in the early morning, meditating, journaling, reading, praying,
  
• living to my best ability the kind of life Jesus modelled - which mostly consists of simply loving others,
• finding a purpose worth living for - ie, supporting others who suffer as I have in the past and dispelling the stigma towards mental illness in the church,
• helping others learn about God's love for them.

Totally amazing, isn't it? All things are possible with God.

Giving support

Earlier this week Susan of Bipolar Wellness wrote about the importance of wanting wellness if we want to be well. "As far as I am concerned, the most critical component of achieving wellness is wanting it....Wellness doesn't occur in a vacuum. Whether you believe that bipolarity and/or clinical depression is a biochemical condition--or not--the only way to achieve wellness is to be willing to ask the difficult questions, and live a life that matters."

I wrote a comment expressing my frustrations with someone I'm giving support to who doesn't seem to want that wellness. At least she doesn't pursue it as I wish she would. I wondered at what point I should back off. Susan followed her initial post with one she titles When to Let Go. Susan talks about her feelings on the issue: "So, I guess my answer is that I believe the woman you're talking about needs to find professional help. And she needs to "step up to the plate" so to speak. If you continue to allow her to "take" from you, you'll have nothing left. And if she decides that life isn't living, ultimately that's her decision."

But, when I think back to what I felt like when I was depressed, and how difficult it was to be well, and how important it was for me to have the people I loved not give up on me, I can't see myself giving up on others. Perhaps backing off a bit and not staying too close is good for my own health, but I feel I need to stay available.

In his book, New Light on Depression, Harold Koenig wrote some things that I have taken to heart. He wrote: "Love - unconditional love - is the ultimate long-term antidote for depression, for at its core love is connected with faith and hope."

I feel that we need to always remind people they are loved and not withdraw that love from people when they're going through hard times. One of the most important things a person with depression needs is to know that there's someone always available. Knowing that someone is available who understands - because she's been there herself - is invaluable.

Since starting Living Room, I've given support to quite a few people. While it isn't easy, it can be rewarding too. Though I walk with them through their valleys, I also experience with them the relief when they climb out again. When they call me and spend some time expressing their feelings to me and I have no answers, we can always turn to God at the end of the call. When I feel helpless and don't know what to say, we pray together. And those prayers are powerful. I feel the presence of God's Spirit. We call on God to give the person strength and patience. We ask him to embrace her and to help her feel his love. We turn everything over to God. When we hang up I feel I can leave it all behind because it's in God's hands, not mine. This is how I can usually manage to support people without it getting myself down.

As a Christian I need to be a conduit of Christ's love. And I've found that it's a joy to be that. It's rewarding to be that. And to walk with someone through their depression - to talk with them and to help them go to God with it - is a privilege.

I don't expect that everyone should be able to do this. I don't judge people who are not able to do this. We all have gifts that make us unique. This just happens to be mine.

Looking forward

The invitations to my July 19th book launch have gone out. I'm looking forward to hearing who all is going to come. I've invited a huge mix of people: mental health professionals, fellow writers, friends, relatives, neighbors, leaders from my church, and - of course - Living Room people. Some will be Christians and others not at all so.

One person I've invited is my old boss, a person who gave me a job when he knew I had a diagnosis of schizophrenia (a diagnosis that turned out to be wrong) and I was freshly discharged from the mental hospital. He trusted me with some of the most challenging projects, something I have always been grateful for. He did much to help rehabilitate me and build my self-esteem. I met with him about a year ago, for the first time in thirty years. Wanted him to read what I had written about him in my book. I hope he comes. He's quite elderly now, but I would like to thank him in front of everyone.

Soon I will start planning what I will say and what I will read from the book. That will be a fun challenge. How can I best speak to this kind of a mixed group? What can I give them? How can I best interest them? What do they need to hear?

I emailed Pastor Don today, telling him what a big responsibility I found this to be. But half an hour later I emailed again with my realization that it's not my responsibility - it's God's. It's God's work; he's in control. All I need to do is to be myself and to be led by his Spirit.

I'm looking forward to planning the food. My two best friends have offered to co-ordinate that part of the day and my daughter-in-law will help. I feel so supported by them.

Tomorrow is Canada Day and our church is ready to give a big party for the community. This is the eighth year we're doing it and hundreds of people come out for it. It's a huge effort that everyone helps out with. Fortunately it sounds like the weather will be perfect - dry and not too hot.

After "Living Room"

I went into Living Room today with a lot of prayer, trying to clear the clouds hanging over me and the prayers did help.

The meeting felt a bit stunted, though. I thought the topic for discussion that I brought was a good one. However, the eighteen sitting around the table were so unengaged in what I was saying. It was like pulling teeth trying to get people to talk. But I did eventually manage to pull a few into the discussion. Was it the large number of people? Last meeting we had only twelve and almost everyone took part. It was a lively time that we stopped only because it was time to go into our small groups. Today's topic was a similar one, but not too well received.

I pulled Pastor Don in by asking him what Peter meant when he said, "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do." (1 Peter 1:15) I asked, "So, Pastor Don, what does it mean to be holy?" Everyone laughed...and I only just now realize what was funny about that.

Pastor Don usually likes to just sit and listen, not taking part, preferring the discussion to be ours alone. But it's kind of fun to surprise him now and then with a question he's not expecting. And we really appreciate hearing from him. His explanation for the word "holy" was that it meant to be set apart, devoted to God.

My friend and I are emailing each other. She's explaining how she feels and I'm explaining how she misunderstood me. I would hate to lose this friend. She means a lot to me.

So where is my mood now? I feel the usual peace and contentedness I feel after a Living Room meeting. However, I also feel tears kind of near the surface. Perhaps I haven't had enough sleep lately. Perhaps it's the result of worries about my relationship with my friend. I don't know.

I have a busy few days ahead. Wish I could have a whole day off to just putter at nothing too much in particular. Catch up on my reading. Perhaps even draw or paint a bit. One day...

Dark before "Living Room"

Tomorrow is Living Room day, but I don't feel ready. Something happened tonight that threw a block of darkness in my way, making it hard to feel at peace. A friend misunderstood me and over-reacted, getting quite angry with me. I care about this person, so it's hard on me to have this happen. I don't like having people mad at me.

So many of my Christian friends have talked about attacks from Satan just before they were going to do some kind of work for God. And I remember the time last year that I was hit by a bus the day before Living Room. Though I wasn't hurt and there wasn't much damage to the car, it was pretty hard to get into the spirit that Living Room deserves. Tonight I feel dark again - not where I should be emotionally or spiritually.

Friends have often reminded me of Ephesians 6:10-18: "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes....put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand...." My friends tell me that there will be times I'll need to do that. I often say, "That hardly ever happens to me." But here it is happening now. I will need to read that passage well over the next while.

I pray that my friend will forget about being mad at me tomorrow. I pray that all will be forgotten. I was only trying to be helpful and she took it all wrong.

I pray that I will awake tomorrow with the dark blockage gone from my heart. I'll pray that God will fill me with his love and help me share that love with the people at Living Room. I'll pray for peace and healing.

In appreciation

Good morning everyone. It's a fine day here in Vancouver. Looks like the sun will shine on us today. I'm busy getting ready for company tomorrow night. Some friends who are important to me are coming for dinner and games. I've wanted to have them over since before Christmas - looking for an opportunity all this time - and finally it's happening. I'm trying to make everything just right - clean house and good food. Yes!! So looking forward to this!

If you read my last post you will know about my new understanding of what Jesus meant by the kingdom of God and the kingdom of heaven - of this being here, starting today. And I hope this doesn't upset any of you, because I know it's different from what most of us have been taught in Sunday School. But I believe we must listen to what Jesus said and not what people say he said. We need to listen to him first.

This new understanding is making me look differently at the world around me.

I remember clearly what happened when I first became interested in photography. I became very aware of everything, looking for things that would make good pictures. I came to appreciate the world in a different way - looking for beauty everywhere I went.

Yesterday I went for a walk with my husband, thinking about God and his presence with us. And I appreciated the sun and the gardens and the precious time with my husband. And I thanked God for all the good I saw and for the good time with my husband. And I experienced God's kingdom. I experienced a bit of the kingdom of heaven. And I felt full and happy.

It's so important to be aware of what is good and to do what is good and to be grateful. So important to love. There's nothing better for our mental health!

Heaven - starting today

Well, I'm finally fixed up computer-wise. Yesterday my husband bought me a brand new computer, completely virus-free. I can blog again - to my heart's content. This is so neat!

I've been doing so much thinking, so much exploring of what Jesus meant when he talked about "the kingdom of God" and "the kingdom of heaven." And I've been sharing with a couple of friends via email. Understanding what Jesus meant has been unbelievably hard and it's a mystery why that should be so. Is it this hard for others too?

One reason for this is that I think is that these phrases are so familiar that they had pretty well lost all meaning for me. They are words I tend to overlook. And, when I have looked at them, I assumed they referred to heaven after we die - because that's what has always been drilled into me from childhood on. And yet, Jesus said "the kingdom of heaven is upon us" and "the kingdom of God is within us." I've been grappling with exactly what that means.

Many people are now understanding that heaven begins today - now - for those who live under the reign of God. And I am now seeing it that way as well.

I think I have experienced heaven, especially as I do the work God has given me to do. When I support people with depression and when I lead Living Room sessions and when I worship in church - those are all little pockets of heaven - times of holy joy, feeling God close by.

Yes I believe eternity with God starts today when we live under God's reign - when we follow God and when we live the way He intends us to live and when we are what He intends us to be.
We still live in the midst of a sinful and evil world, and we will still suffer because of that, but when we hang on to God, believe He is with us, trust Him and follow Jesus' ways, we will experience peace and joy in the midst of it all. We will have lives that are full and overflowing.

We can start experiencing the kingdom of heaven here and now. Don't you think that's exciting?

I'm now re-reading the gospels, this time with my new understanding.

The Way of Jesus

I've been doing some exciting reading lately about things that make a lot of sense. The Secret Message of Jesus by Brian D. McLaren paints a wonderful picture of who Jesus really was and what it must have been like during the point of history he lived in to hear his message and to see what he stood for.

Many Christians seem to have lost track of what Jesus' message was. They forget that he was a radical - a revolutionary - wanting to change the status quo. He taught forgiveness. He taught us to love our enemies. He taught us not to be judgmental. He ate with fraudulent tax collectors, prostitutes, and the poorest of the poor. He touched untouchable lepers. He preached that love was more important than a long list of man-made laws. He spoke up against hypocrisy.

I myself have been unhappy about some of the way things in the church are, especially the stigma that is still attached to people with mental illness. Followers of Christ are in such a good position to help people who live with these illnesses. Faith is important for our mental well-being and we need our Christian friends to encourage us. This is best done with compassionate, Christ-like love by people who will take the trouble to get educated about the causes of our illness.

All too often Christians are like Job's friends, blaming us for our disorders, telling us that we're not right with God. Some will tell us to throw away our pills. "All you need is Jesus." One evangelist even said that there is no such thing as mental illness. "All such problems have a spiritual basis." They're judgmental. They have not learned the lessons Christ taught.

Christians need to be prepared to be radicals in this world, not going along with the status quo, fighting injustices. In many ways we forget to follow the ways of Christ. We've forgotten what Jesus stood for. If Jesus was a revolutionary in his day, we as his followers need to be revolutionaries in our day....because there are a myriad of injustices.

In Matthew 5 Jesus preached that the kingdom of heaven is for those who:

• realize their need for God
• mourn
• are gentle and lowly
• hunger and thirst for justice
• are merciful
• have pure hearts
• work for peace
• are persecuted because they work for God.

This is the code of conduct for Christ's disciples. How many of us follow them? How many of us have forgotten?

All hyped up

Guess I still have some symptoms of hypomania, though not very bad (I don't think).

I've been reading a lot and getting all excited about what I'm reading. Wanting to talk about it. Wanting to write about it. Not being able to let it go.

I just finished This Beautiful Mess by Rick McKinley, pastor of Imago Dei Community Church in Portland. It's about practising the presence of the Kingdom of God.

McKinley aligns himself with the emerging church movement, which suggests that a revolution is needed in the Christian church. Too many have forgotten that Jesus was a radical, not happy with the status quo. The way the world is today is no better - and probably worse - than it was in Jesus' time. If we're to be followers of Christ we need to be radical, as he was, not satisfied with leaving the world as it is. We need to work to fight injustice and poverty. We need to love others, remembering how God loves us. Jesus befriended the marginalized and healed them. He accepted sinners and ate with them. He did not stigmatize anyone. This is the Jesus in whose footsteps we're called to follow.

I don't know what I should do to calm down. To stop thinking so much about all this. To stop wanting to dig into books - deeper and deeper. I feel so hungry to learn. So hungry to understand what the Kingdom of God that Jesus talked about is. He said the Kingdom of God is upon us. It's not just tomorrow after we die. It's around us now, if we could only recognize it. We can practise the Kingdom of God by doing what Jesus did.

I know one thing: Living Room is one way in which we can practise the Kingdom of God. And I know that God is there at the meetings. It's God's work, and I rely fully on him to make it what it is. That explains the holy joy I feel afterwards.

I was going to write an essay on all this. However, perhaps one way I could calm down and let this all go a bit is by not doing that after all. Perhaps I'll spend my time instead creating invitations for my book launch coming up on July 12th. It's time to change gears.

A bit high

I've been stable for so long I had almost forgotten I can still have mood swings, just like other people with bipolar disorder. Funny how you start thinking you're invincible. Today I'm realizing that I'm showing some signs of hypomania.

I've had such a hunger to read books lately - lots of books. And then I get all excited about what I'm learning and want to - no, I need to - discuss it with people. Such a yearning to philosophize! I've called my best friend, needing to talk about stuff. I've emailed a couple of friends with thoughts that are overflowing. Asked my pastor to recommend some courses and books to help me with the work I'm doing. I have this feeling like I need to get some really good training to better prepare myself for the things I want to do. And I'm 62!!! Wanting to start all over as a student again!

Crazy thing is that I've been thinking I need to limit my activities. My husband has been complaining that I spend far too much time on church stuff, and that includes Living Room.

What is happening with me now reminds me of the time I first got sick when I was nineteen. I was at university and also hungry to read and learn. I bought many different kinds of books I couldn't afford. And I talked a blue streak to my friends until they couldn't understand me anymore. My mind was travelling faster than my words could keep up with. I gradually became psychotic and, after far too long without help, ended up in a psychiatric hospital, brought there by ambulance.

So you see, I need to take care of myself right now. Perhaps do a little less reading and lighter material, nothing that would encourage me to philosophize too much. Perhaps a novel. And I should do some tidying around the house (much needed). I could play my music loud (because my husband is away) and do some ironing. My ironing could become a cultural happening, with records that I haven't heard for a while.

I'm fortunate that I have a good friend who understands my disorder quite well. She mothers me. She caught me tonight, planning yet another activity that I could do. I respect this friend, know she is wise and cares for me, so I listen fairly well to her. I'm so grateful to have her.

"My yoke is easy..."

Before I begin, I want to congratulate Misha, a blogger I've known for ages but had lost track of. She has just graduated with an English literature degree - and not just graduated, but with magna cum laude, which means "with great honours." Very very neat. (Hey, I was finally able to link to something.) Whenever I've read Misha's blog I've wished I could be a student again - and learn, learn, learn. I always did love school. I envy you, Misha.

At Living Room on Friday I'm planning on discussing Matthew 11:28-30, a passage that has in the past had a huge impact on me:

Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

That's such a wonderful thing to read when you're going through tough times, especially when you haven't made God part of your life before! I guess these verses meant most to me when I was just in the process of becoming a Christian. (Yes, getting onboard did not happen to me all in one fell swoop.)

A yoke is a contraption that links two animals like oxen together so they can pull farm equipment. It can also be something a person wears, in Asian countries, for example, with something - like a bucket for example - hanging from each end. It is used to carry burdens.

A yoke suggests something oppressive; it suggests bondage. When we put on Christ's yoke, we are bound to Him. We surrender our own will. His yoke brings our passions and desires for the sinful ways of the world under control. The yoke allows Jesus to guide our thoughts and actions, so we'll follow His ways.

When I decided to come to Jesus and take His yoke upon me some twenty years ago, I welcomed it. I needed guidelines for my life. It meant that I finally had something meaningful to live for. The reason for my life became clearer to me. The yoke was easy and the burden was light. It wasn't oppressive at all. In fact, it was freeing.

In my new book, A Firm Place to Stand, I tell a story about a young boy who did not receive rules from his parents. One day he was finally given some very specific rules. And that made him very very happy. He felt cared for; he felt that his Mom was paying attention to what he did. That's what that yoke is like for me. It's the yoke of a loving Father.

In his sermon today, Pastor Don said something that I wonder about. He said that when we start following Christ things can become harder because we are no longer our own god. Life no longer revolves around us. I don't know if I agree with that. It certainly wasn't true for me.

How about you? What has Christ's yoke meant to you in your life? Was it hard at first? Do you find His burden (joining Him in His work) hard to carry?

An award

Life can get a bit too exciting at times, can't it? I just hope I keep everything together; I hope I stay cool, calm, collected,...and stable.

Yesterday I found out that I had received a Fellowship of Christian Newspaper award, an organization that represents about forty regional Christian newspapers in the US and Canada. I placed second in the First Person Article category for a testimony I had published in BC Christian News last year. Wow! I feel honored.

This article, No Longer Alone, is also online at www.canadianchristianity.com. I'm sorry! I still can't create links. Will have my talented son help me with my computer problems real soon (I hope). Anyway, check that website and do a search for the article and you will find it.

I had a look over my past few posts and was horrified to discover how much I've been repeating myself, especially on my favorite topic, "Love." I'm sorry and I hope I'm not boring you too too much. Does this have something to do with getting older? But I feel so young!!!

I have now finished reading Blue Like Jazz, so won't draw thoughts from that book anymore. I'm now on to my next book by another revolutionary Christian, Brian McLaren. The book is Everything Must Change. Sounds pretty radical, doesn't it? Love it. But it's a difficult book and a lot of it's beyond me. But the things I have understood appeal to me, so I will plow on and gather what I can.

Receiving love

Further gleanings from Don Miller's Blue Like Jazz:

Miller says, "...I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it. I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. When you get it, it changes you." He says that this is the key to happiness. And, "God's love will never change us if we don't accept it."

This is so true. In my own life I've experienced the kind of happiness truly experiencing God's love - truly owning it - brings.

Trouble is, there are many Christians who have a strong faith, believing in God, believing that God's love is unconditional and immeasurable, yet unable to "feel" that love. This is especially true during times of depression. Being able to receive love is the key to living a fully happy life.

How can we help people fully realize God's great love for them? How can we help people own that for themselves? How can we help people feel God's love?

That's probably my biggest goal at Living Room: to help people learn to experience God's love. Because I know that when they do, they will find healing.

Nonreligious Christianity

At Mark's Living Room last night we were discussing what the word religion actually means. The topic was raised when I started talking about the book I'm reading, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I must say I really like exploring revolutionary approaches to Christianity. Christ called us to follow Him; and Christ was himself a revolutionary. He did not believe in staying within the confines of religion as it had been developed by the holy people of His time.

Don Miller writes: "All the wonder of God happens right above our arithmetic and formula. The more I climb outside my pat answers, the more invigorating the view, the more my heart enters into worship....for so long religion was my false gospel. But there was no magic in it, no wonder, no awe, no kingdom life burning in my chest. And when I get tempted by that same stupid Christian religion, I go back to the beginning of the Gospels and am comforted that there is something more than the emptiness of ritual....By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder." He says, "I don't think there is any better worship than wonder."

I believe in the Bible and in following it and in being fed by it. It is God's Word. But it is alive too. It has been called the Living Bible. As such we need to not try to force our worship or understanding into formulas that are too narrowly defined. How we apply God's Word to our lives can be fresh for who we are today and the times we are living in. We need to read the Bible as the Bible speaks to us. Too often we are influenced by fixed views that have been around too long and are not valid for our times.

The important thing is: What did Christ teach us? He said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:37-40)

The Bible says, "But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code." (Romans 7:6)

Today - as it was in Biblical times - we need to worship and serve in the Spirit and not according to religion.

That's just the way I'm thinking about it today. What do you think?

Letters to God

Susan of bipolarwellness.blogspot.com (sorry, Susan, my computer is acting up again and I can't create a link) is doing a series on writing for wellness, something I'm very interested in. My emotional health has greatly improved from writing - writing in my journal, in emails to friends, in blogging, and in writing my books. My last book, A Firm Place to Stand, to be released in the next month, has especially strengthened me.

This made me think: If prayer is good for our health, and if writing is good for our health, how very good writing prayers would be for us. My journaling is often in the form of letters to God and I've found those letters very healing. If pouring out our emotions and our needs is a good thing, how much better a thing it would be to pour this out to our heavenly Father who loves us.

These journalled prayers are good to look back on as well. I've often gone back to read them and find out they've been answered. Not only is it therapeutic to write; it's also therapeutic to go back and read what we've written.

Writing for ourselves is one thing, but it's even better when we write for others. Sharing our feelings with others unburdens us, allowing other people - and God - to help us carry the pain.

Computer frustrations

Hi everyone!

I'm getting very frustrated. Most of the time my computer doesn't respond when I try to go to people's blogs, or even when I try to get to my own. Pop-ups keep invading and when I delete them everything shuts down. It's very discouraging. If you wonder why I haven't visited lately, that's the main reason. It's just very hard to get to you. I'm just glad I'm able to write this now and hope nothing happens before I have time to post it.

Will get my talented son to look into this as soon as I can get him to come over.

In the meantime I will try to get to you every once in a while...hoping God will give me some patience.

I know some of you are not doing well and I want you to know I've been thinking of you and praying for you.

Experiencing God's love

I'm reading a wonderful book, Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. The subtitle is "Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. Such a revolutionary, honest piece of writing! Such a refreshing look at the Christian faith.

Miller quotes a friend who said, "...to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so many times to love each other."

I've often told the story of how a person who I regarded very highly told me she loved me and would always love me, no matter what I do or say. She told me this at a time I was deeply depressed and did not think much of myself. This had such a huge impact on me. Through this friend I came to know how much God loved me. I remember the following days well. I bathed in the knowledge of that love - I savoured it - the feeling was one of great joy, holy joy.

We need to love each other. The best prayer I know is this: "Please, God, fill me with your love and help me share that love with others."

It's through you and me that people will come to fully understand God's love.

Finally back

I want to thank PJ for giving me a bit of a kick in the behind and encouraging me to write a bit here. Thank you for missing me, PJ. I've been feeling darn guilty for being away for so long.

Life has been a bit undisciplined lately with my husband gone, and that includes the blogging. On top of that, when I tried to go to your sites a few days ago and tried to post, nothing would load. It turned out to be a problem with my husband's computer which networks with mine. So...I have lots of excuses.

My husband is back now and I hope to get in gear again. I need to go grocery shopping; I need to cook again; I need to spend time with my husband. No longer the laid back approach to my day-to-day life. My holiday is over.

But in a week he's off again - this time for only a week.

Although my life has been undisciplined, I have been doing a lot of stuff. Have spent a lot of time with church friends and Living Room friends and did a lot of reading. I was only lonely one day. Not bad, eh? Actually, I almost feel guilty about not missing my husband more. But I did love the freedom.

And I stayed well - perfectly balanced - perfectly happy.

Now I hope to get back here a lot more often. I really do. And I will visit all of you before the day is out. It's good to be back.

Healing love

My biggest aim as a facilitator of the Living Room mood disorders support group is to help participants learn about and experience the love of God. It's when hurting people understand how much God loves them that healing can best occur. I know this, because this has been my experience.

It was when I was in the depths of depression that a person who I held in great esteem told me she loved me and that she would always love me, no matter what I said or did. This person is a very godly person and I knew that what she said came from God and that God was expressing Himself through her. And what a difference it made to me!

Now, when I help others through tough times, I remember what my friend did for me and I try to do this for others. I ask God to fill me with His love and to help me share that love with the people I meet. This is one prayer I can be confident that God will answer.

1 John 4:12 says, "No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." It's through those of us who love God that God reveals Himself.

But God's love is unfathomable; it's beyond measure. We can only show a part of it, but we can do it with abandon. We need to accept others as Jesus did, using Him as our example, following in His footsteps. Jesus loved everyone - the poor, the sinners, the sick. He touched the untouchables and His loving touch made them well.

God's commandments that sum up all commandments given in the Bible is to love God with all our heart and soul and strength and to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. God IS love. If only the whole world could share in this love! What a better place this planet would be!

But we each have a little corner of the world - a little sphere of influence - people surrounding us who we can love - people whom we can help to heal. Let us ask God to help us share His love with them...with abandon.

At loose ends

With my husband away I have a lot of freedom, yet I'm kind of at loose ends as well. Nothing to tie me down...floating from one little activity to another...trying to talk to some friends every day to stay in touch with the world. It will be good to have him back.

Tonight I called an old school friend, my first time in a number of years to talk to her. But it was like we didn't really know each other anymore. We used to be best friends, but we've grown so far apart. A shame how that happens.

I tend to be a very loyal person, not easily giving up friends. For the first 16 to 18 years that I was a Christian I belonged to the same church. When I found I could not stay there anymore, I cried for weeks. My husband and I have belonged to the same camera club for as long as we've been married - 39 years.

When I think of the women who I consider my best friends now, I could not imagine growing apart from them. They mean so much to me. Yet I suppose it could happen, especially if we were to move away from each other. That's one reason my husband and I would never want to move away from here. We need to stay close to our church and our camera club and our friends. We both find change in those regards difficult to deal with.

Just some musings to pass away some lonely time. Tomorrow will be better. My Bible study group is meeting here for dinner.

Trust when things are rough

In anticipation of the publication of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand (sorry - no link yet) www.canadianchristianity.com are publishing excerpts from it.

The first article is about learning to overcome fear when symptoms of depression or psychosis start showing up. Fear is a universal response to suffering. At times it can be very hard to trust. What to do?

Can we have faith in God yet have a hard time trusting Him?

Hope you'll all have a look. I think you'll be able to identify.

Repainting Christianity

Well, I've been doing bits of boring stuff: getting a bit of clutter organized, though I have a long way to go. For interesting stuff I've got the last bits of my book to the publisher and they say they will soon have a couple of sample covers ready for me to review. Exciting! To think I will soon have this writing I've poured so much of myself into in an actual book. Was I as excited when Riding the Roller Coaster came out? I don't remember, but I must have been.

Another interesting thing I've started on is a wonderful book called Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, founding pastor of Mars Hill. The subtitle is "Repainting Christianity." The product description reads: "God never changes, nor do the central truths of Christianity. But our understanding of those truths is in constant flux. Christians will always be exploring and discovering what it means to live in harmony with God and each other."

The book is full of questions. Such a refreshing thing. Too many Christians live as though they think they have all the answers. The truth is that understanding God leads us to a lot of mystery. We can believe and yet accept that we'll never understand it all and that we need to keep asking questions.

Just a taste of what Bell has to say:
"...the Bible is open-ended" (it is alive) "It has to be interpreted. And if it isn't interpreted, then it can't be put into action. So if we are serious about following God, then we have to interpret the Bible. It is not possible to simply do what the Bible says. We must first make decisions about what it means at this time, in this place, for these people."

In other words, no one can say that he takes the Bible literally. It was written at a time in history when things were different than they are today. We need to interpret what it means for us, living in 2008.

Somewhere else Bell says:
"Questions, no matter how shocking or blasphemous or arrogant or ignorant or raw, are rooted in humility. A humility that understands that I am not God. And there is more to know. Questions bring freedom. Freedom that I don't have to be God and I don't have to pretend that I have it all figured out. I can let God be God."

I highly recommend this book, especially to those who want to believe in God but have had trouble believing everything the Bible says - those who need to understand that God is a fathomless mystery who we can embrace and believe in and love, in spite of it.

Beer and a pickup truck

And you all thought I was a prim and proper old church lady in her sixties, did you? I was just thinking tonight about how I probably wouldn't at all fit the image you might have of me.

My son has the car for a couple of weeks and I'm driving our silver pickup truck. Just learned to drive it. Sitting high and driving that powerful (more powerful than the car) machine makes me feel pretty tough. I'm a truckin' old woman, I am. Actually, that's all wrong. I'm NOT old at all. I actually feel around forty, even if I was born in 1946.

And here I am, drinking a beer from my husband's huge glass mug. Have come to like a beer now and then. It quenches my thirst and feeds the hunger at the same time.

My husband has gone off on a trip to Greece and I'm free to do what I wish. No cooking if I don't feel like it. This is a holiday. Amazing how much more free time you have when there's no one around to distract you!

Actually, though, this afternoon I started feeling somewhat lonely. Felt like talking to someone - because I like to talk a lot. My poor friends know all about that. I call two of them almost daily and email them and others almost non-stop. Thing is, my memory is poor, and what if I were to forget to tell them something? So I email as soon as a thought comes to me that I want to share. My poor pastor is one of the recipients. Guess I should feel guilty, and I do sometimes. But most of the time now I feel that they know me well enough. They know I need to do these things. I have a lot of thoughts that have to go somewhere.

While my husband is gone I'm planning to contact old friends that I haven't talked to for a long time. This is a good opportunity and I will feel less lonely.

Another thing I battled with this afternoon was that I felt restless, longing for interesting things to happen. I don't like to get bored and if nothing interesting is happening in my life, I make it happen. I'm a firm believer that it's within our power to make our lives as interesting as we want them to be. Just takes some imagination, motivation, and courage.

Trouble is, there are a lot of boring things in this house that need to get done, like cleaning up mountains of clutter. And that's another thing I was planning to do while my husband is gone...if I can make myself. But now - one hour before bedtime - I will settle down with my beer and read a good book.

Thanks for listening to my jabber. I had to talk to somebody.

Keeping company with God

Every once in a while I've referred to Philip Yancey's Prayer: Does it Make a Difference?, a book that I've gradually been working my way through. I've only read small amounts at a time, not because it's boring, but because I want to chew on every little bit, to savour every bite. Such a good book!

I've often thought of myself as a really poor pray-er. When I try to pray my attention wanders and, before I know it, I'm thinking of the things I need to do or a whole mess of other stuff that tends to come into my head to distract me. I'm not very good at remembering to pray for all the people I should pray for either, too disorganized to keep a list, or to refer to it when I have managed to put one together. How I wish I could do better!

But Yancey's book has offered me some comfort, helping me realize that maybe I'm praying a lot more than I think. He says that just keeping company with God during quiet times could be considered prayer, even if you're not using words. Prayer can be listening to God; we don't always have to be the ones doing the talking (in fact, we probably shouldn't be). Maybe those early morning quiet times I spend with my coffee, journaling, and letting my mind wander, is time with God. I know that's when many of my ideas come to me, ideas that I believe are put there by God. In much of my journaling I talk with God as well - a little "thank you, God" or "please help me with..."

Cassian said, "We pray best when we are no longer aware of praying." Maybe we pray a lot more than we think - unawares.

Yancey quotes someone named Marcia: "If someone asks me for help in prayer, I tell them to find what they most enjoy and do that, only do it for the glory of God....For me, it's painting. Start with what really energizes you and touches your heart: flowers, music, hiking, birds, gardening, whatever. Ask God to remind you, as you do it, that you're doing it for him....Spending time with God is what's important. We spend the time anyway. Why not recognize that we spend it with God, and then act like it?"

Prayer is a lot more than a shopping list of things we want God to do for us. Would we spend time with our parents just asking them for a bunch of stuff? Our parents simply want us with them, telling them about our lives and how we feel about things, sharing our love with them. God is with us all the time. We just need to remember that and live with the awareness of His love constantly within us and surrounding us. And how much more at peace and joyful we would be if we could do that!

We simply need to live in company with God.

A burning desire

A few days ago I was feeling anxious about the publication of my new book, A Firm Place to Stand: Finding Meaning in a Life with Bipolar Disorder. This morning I'm feeling eager. Can't wait to get it out there and to share all that I poured into that book.

I want to share here a couple of bits from the introduction, just to let you know why I wrote this. And, to be honest, to encourage you to look forward to the book as well.

"I have a burning desire to tell you my story. I long to tell you what I have learned from living with bipolar disorder* for four decades. I want to help others understand what it’s like to have severe mental health difficulties. I want to help you, and all those who read my story, to learn from the hardships – and the joys – I have known.

I’ve come a long way. As a young girl I was shy and withdrawn, afraid to say much in school. Now I speak out on mental health issues. Some even call me an activist. Today I am bubbling over with a lifetime of thoughts and experiences I want to tell you about.

Bipolar disorder (also called manic depression) is a difficult diagnosis to accept, but a rich and productive life is possible, much more so today than in the past. If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I hope this book will encourage you, with the help of God, to find a better life for yourself."

Unfortunately, I have to miss Living Room today. I have to go to my husband's aunt's funeral. I hate missing, but I know the meeting is in good hands. Janice will do the devotional and there's lots of good help. What a blessing to know I can count on things carrying on, even when I'm not there.

Hope you all have a great day.

(I'm sorry for the weird fonts here. Couldn't make them do what I wanted them to do.)

Sorry for the absence

Hi everyone. I'm sorry I've been away from blogging for so long. I feel guilty about it - I really do. We were away for three days and the rest of the time my life has just been too complex to focus on writing something. I'm sure it wouldn't be too complex for the average person; I'm sure it's just me.

There are many things I'd like to share here. Have been reading some very good things in Philip Yancey's Prayer. Perhaps tomorrow.

My new book, A Firm Place to Stand, should be out within two months and I'm getting nervous. What if I overlooked something and left in some terrible, embarrassing errors? I just have a very uneasy feeling about it. For you who've had books published: Is that a normal way to be feeling?

And then there's all the stuff that will go with the publication: interviews (I hope), public speaking engagements (I hope), book signings (hoping I can do something about my dreadful tremors). But all of this is terribly stressful stuff, isn't it? I hope my moods will co-operate. I'm starting to feel stressed right now - this minute - just thinking about it.

I know, though, that there's only one way to deal with this: Remember that this is God's work I'm doing, and not mine at all. I'm only a footsoldier. He's doing the big job. All I have to do is put myself in his hands and trust him to lead me where I should go - do what he gives me to do, one little thing at a time. I need to pray.

Just so glad to be back writing here again. Thank you all for visiting.