This blog is about living with bipolar disorder and about how my Christian faith has helped me cope and develop a life that is full and satisfying. It deals with some of the frustrations and anger I feel about the injustice and damaging effect of stigma.
Thank you Di and Wendy for sharing recipes for the booklet I'm planning. They really encouraged me to carry on with this project - a collection of Up Recipes for Down Times.
Just to inspire you a bit further and to hopefully draw some more recipes, I'll share another that I'm planning to use for the booklet. This is a refreshing dessert salad that is very simple to prepare, yet good enough for company.
Hawaiian Fruit Salad
1 pint fresh strawberries, halved 14 oz can pineapple chunks 2 bananas, sliced 1/4 cup flaked or shredded coconut
Drain pineapple, reserving 1/3 cup of juice. Prepare fruits and combine with juice in a serving dish. Sprinkle coconut over top.
For all my adult life, throughout my more than forty years of struggling with bipolar disorder, I've responded to certain kinds of depression by starting a new creative project. I'm longing to do that now. I long to leave behind some of the things that have been stressing me out and start a small, colourful project. Changing gears and doing something new and exciting is very therapeutic. Doing so has helped me through many hard times.
I've been tossing around two ideas for a long time now. Things that I definitely want to do sometime. Things that would be useful to a lot of people.
One thing I'd like to do is create an attractive booklet about how people can support their friends who have depression. This is such a mystery to a lot of people. Yet it's so important that friends be there for those who are depressed.
The other thing I've been longing to do is to produce a booklet of simple, colourful recipes for people who are sick - especially those with depression. I published a booklet like this many years ago and I keep it handy for when I'm going through rough times. I'd like to do up a new edition with some of the best recipes from the old one, but also new recipes. It would be fun to play around with recipes. Such a change that would be from mental health work! ...and yet it would help people with depression.
Right now - this moment - tonight I'm opting for the recipe booklet. Hope I stick with this now. I've been waffling back and forth so much over this.
Here's one recipe that would be in the booklet:
VEGETABLE QUICHE
10 oz pkg frozen mixed vegetables, defrosted 4 eggs, beaten 2 cups (200g) grated mozzarella cheese 1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp dried basil or oregano 9 inch frozen piecrust
Place piecrust on cookie sheet and allow to defrost for 10 minutes. In bowl, combine the rest of the ingredients. Pour into piecrust and bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.
Would you like to help me? Do you have any very simple recipes that are tasty and healthy? If you do, please share.
Someone sent me a quote awhile ago by Patricia Deegan that I really like and that is really speaking to me now: "For those of us who have struggled for years...recovery is not about going back to who we were. It is a process of becoming new. It is a process of discovering our limits but also a process of discovering how these limits open upon new possibilities. Transformation rather than restoration becomes our path."
Today I wonder if I'm trying to reach beyond my limits - beyond what I can or should be doing.
I have a terrible time with tremors, caused by one of the meds I'm on. My pdoc is working on getting me off this medication. However, my moods have been very unstable lately. If you've been reading my blog you'll know that I've been on a roller coaster. Fine one day and depressed the next. Maybe I should just live with the tremors and opt for the stability and happiness this drug has offered me in the past.
Today I chaired an important meeting and, although I felt confident, I was shaking like crazy. Not everyone at this meeting knew me, so they must have had their doubts about me and my abilities. It does not look good for a leader to have tremors. It does not help people have confidence in you. And when I'm aware of them myself, I feel self-conscious which isn't good either.
And I wonder if all the stress that goes along with meetings like these, especially when I'm so emotionally unstable, is a good thing for my health. Maybe I should just dig in and quietly do my work at home, writing. Spread the news about Living Room that way. Or am I this moment thinking negatively once more? Am I once more dipping downward? I think I may be.
If I could only be stronger instead of having emotions that are constantly teetering on the verge of something.
I know one thing. I could never have brought Living Room to where it is without God's help. Living Room is God's work and I've just been a foot soldier, going where he told me to go. I need to continue putting myself in his hands and hear his voice and have him guide me. I need to relax and let go a bit. And I need to pray.
Maybe I've reached the limit and God wants to open new paths for me to follow. I'll have to see and be open to his leading.
Too often lately my mood has come down and I haven't know what to do with myself. I reach out to friends but haven't found anyone who can alleviate my emotional pain. Over the past few days I've decided that at times like that I really need to pray more - to reach out to God in the way I reach out to my friends. God can help in a way no human can. My relationship with God needs a haul-over I think. So over the past couple of days I've journalled more. I've written "Dear God" letters.
Today as I once more tried to get myself over a hump I wrote to God and in the writing came to a discovery (a message from God I'm sure) that I've been awfully self-centered lately. It's when I think of the things that bother me, turning inward, that I feel the worst. I've been thinking very little about what's happening in my friends' lives.
I don't think I'm truly depressed. Just bothered by a few situational problems that have arisen. If I could only think of others more and not turn my thoughts inward so much, one would think I'd be able to avoid total depression. I'm hoping so.
Although turning inward is a natural part of depression, I feel kind of ashamed for letting myself fall into it. Don't get me wrong. I don't blame those who are truly in the midst of depression for not being able to be other-centered. When you're in pain it's pretty hard not to turn inward. Yet when I'm on the verge and I focus on others, getting my mind off myself, I should be able to avoid full depression.
I didn't make it as a finalist to the Canadian Living Me to We awards. I must say, though, it was exciting - a thrill and honour - to have been nominated and I'm grateful to the person who nominated me for thinking of me.
This is a Living Room day. So looking forward to it.
I've been keeping a secret because I don't quite know how to talk about it. It's hard to talk about without sounding like I'm tooting my own horn.
Several weeks ago someone nominated me for the Canadian Living "Me to We" awards. It was because of my Living Room work, the church sponsored support ministry for people with mood disorders. There are now eight groups in Canada with interest being shown elsewhere.
I'm excited about this because it could mean a lot to Living Room. The winner of the award will receive $5000 for his/her favourite charity (Living Room, of course) and an article in Canadian Living Magazine. This would very much help more people get to know about it, perhaps encouraging more groups and encouraging churches to better support people with mental illness. It would help de-stigmatize mental illness. This is what the main purpose of my life has been for so long. This is what I live for.
Finalists will be announced tomorrow - April 24th - and voting will then start. If I'm a finalist, will you vote for me (and for Living Room)? To vote, go to http://www.metowe.com/awards/
Of course, I might not end up a finalist. Yet it was an honour to be nominated.
I've got to share something with you here, something that came as a revelation to me and it might to you too.
I have a good friend who is a troubled person, having suffered a lot of abuse as a child and later as the wife of an abusive husband. She suffers recurring emotional pain because of this, yet I admire her for the courage she has had to survive. I love her dearly and tell her this often.
Yesterday I told my counselor what it meant to me to tell my friend how very much I love her and how I love to hug her. It gives me a wonderful feeling to do that. She's the sponge and I'm the water, pouring my love into her.
My counselor said something that had never occurred to me before. If I love showing my love to this friend so much, imagine how God must feel when he loves us as much as he does. We can't "...grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." (Ephesians 3:18) Imagine how good God must feel when he pours his love into us - such broken people - and when we accept that love like a sponge soaking up water.
Do you get it? Do you understand? All of us are broken people - needy people - thirsty for God's love. Yet it can be so hard to truly own that love.
When we express our love to others, we can think of God and his love, and let that love flow through us to our friends. And in the process we experience God's love.
My Living Room group is considering having weekly lunch meetings. Currently we meet only twice a month for our regular meeting and lunch. We were having Bible study for the other Fridays, but they met later and did not include lunch.
We're hoping that having weekly lunches, alternating between regular meetings and Bible study, will encourage better participation and just a friendlier atmosphere. There's a wonderful German word, "gemutlichkeit," which describes the feeling you get from friendly, cozy get-togethers with people you get along well with. This is how Living Room is. This is how our Bible study time could be as well.
Lunch with people you can relate to every Friday. Gemutlichkeit every Friday. Weekly support. How neat that would be!
I've presented the possibility to my group. Now I only have to wait to hear the response and see if the idea will fly.
If you'd known me forty years ago when I first got sick; then twenty years later when I decided to rely on God's help for survival of depression and psychosis; then five or six years ago when I received the support and inspiration of people in the church I now attend; to the time just under three years ago when I started my Living Room group, you will see how I have, step by step, been dramatically changed. And I continue to change.
I've been thinking about what it is that transformed me and continues transforming me. And I have to say it's my relationship with God, knowing that he loves me. It's love. It's God's love revealed to me by the people in my life. And it's God revealing himself to me when I show my love for others. Yes, when I express my love for others I find joy and I find God.
The Bible says, "No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." (1John 4:12) It also says, "Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." (1John 4:7b)
We experience God's presence when we love others unconditionally. And this gives great joy and will change us.
I think that's why we feel God's presence so well at Living Room meetings. We share his love with each other - fully accepting each other. That's why I feel such joy when I go home after meetings. It's a very true but mysterious phenomenon.
The need for support when we have bipolar disorder is proving to be an important topic of discussion. Yet there seems to be no definitive answer. The answer seems to be different for everyone.
Over the last couple of days I've felt okay - especially after some prayer with a friend. I've been steady. Yet right this minute I'm a bit fragile - truly a bipolar thing, eh? Don't worry please, though. Though I've appreciated all your comments and support, things are not that bad at all.
We need to be more concerned about people like Brenda who has lived in blackness for some time now. I've known that kind of blackness and feel for her. She needs a lot more support than I do. I do hope you'll visit her and get to know her.
And I'm so grateful for Susan's support, online and off. She has been a great friend. She too knows thoroughly what depression is like, though I think you're more worried about me than you need to be, Susan:) For more discussion on the topic of support I hope you'll visit her site.
But maybe I'm feeling as well as I do right now precisely because I've had such good support.
I believe that the comfort and support that we receive from others is God-given. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 is so applicable to all this. Through the comfort we receive from others, we can turn around and comfort others.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
Thank you all for being there. Let us continue to be there for each other.
It's common knowledge how important it is to have a support system in place when you have a mood disorder. Actually, everyone alive needs some kind of support system. I spoke in my last post about how hard it can be to find people who will listen to us and support us when we're going through a depression. But we need people of all kinds - for all phases of our lives - if we're going to stay well.
What kind of support do I need? These are the ones I've come up with, though there may be more. They're not in any particular order.
1. I have a full life and a mind that overflows with ideas. I need people who will listen to me as I debrief. I am close to these people and call or email them often. 2. I need people who will listen to me when I'm in deep trouble - people who will comfort me and pray with me. 3. I need my husband, a partner who eats, works, and plays with me. 4. I need friends who have the same disorder as I do - people who understand me fully. 5. I need people to support, because that takes me out of the victim role and helps me feel good and strong. In the giving I receive. 6. I need friends who share my writing and photography interests. 7. I need friends to just have fun with - to have over for a barbecue or go out with. 8. I need family to do family things with. 9. I need a pastor and a counselor in whom I can confide. 10. I need a psychiatrist who respects me and looks after my medical needs, considerate of my opinion and desires. 11. I need woman friends to have discussions with about life - to give encouragement to and receive encouragement from. 12. I need fellow Living Room facilitators to discuss problems with. 13. I need to have a close relationship with God. 14. I need online friends who will read my blog and make comments.
My roller coaster ride will not stop. I don't feel so depressed that I don't want to do anything. Just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.
Trouble with me is that I feel a need to reach out - to draw comfort from others. Yet that kind of comfort is hard to come by. No one wants to hear another's complaints. What can they possibly do? My husband has compassion and that's so good. I thank God for him.
What puzzles me is this: When a person feels so down that they become suicidal (not me at this moment) they are told that they should reach out. They're told they should let others know how they're feeling. Yet how many people really want to be told how crummy a person feels? How many people truly know how to feel compassion? Depression is a lonely state to be in for sure. It's hard to find support that satisfies.
Right now I find most strength in carrying on with my Living Room work. I draw comfort from knowing I'm doing things that will help others. In being sensitive to the needs of others I forget myself for awhile.
My prayer is that I will not focus on my own needs so much that I become self-centered. My prayer is that I will be other-centered - to love as I wish to be loved. There's comfort in love - whether we give or receive. Let us love one another.
And I mustn't forget. God is always ready to listen and to comfort if I will with open arms receive him. I need to pray more. I need to not forget to pray and to spend time with God.
Seems I'm not in a serious enough way that I can't get myself doing things. And when I get into an activity I quickly start feeling better. Thank God!
My husband and I have continued our spring cleaning. We're - actually he is more than me - really into it. This house was truly a huge mess. We've felt for such a long time that we need to work on tidying it up. What if we died? My poor son would have quite a time of it. That's something we do need to consider, isn't it?
Today I finished cleaning up the counter in the darkroom and emailed a couple of people who want to buy darkroom equipment. I'm sure I won't be using it anymore since I print everything digitally now.
So...I've found out I need to putter at activities - yet not so much that I wear myself out too much. I'm so fragile right now. But putter I will. We've rented some movies and I look forward to watching "Doubt" tonight. Heard that it's good. Now I will make some cinnamon rolls from a kit I got at Costco. That will make my hard-working husband happy. Another good coping skill: Do something for others - be other-centered.
Life has been a roller coaster ride of moods for me lately. I don't know what's going on. The tiniest thing will make me feel depressed. And then I don't know what to do with myself. Things very quickly start feeling hopeless.
Guess I shouldn't be surprised. That's what bipolar disorder is supposed to deal out to you. That's what I have to live with.
I wonder if it has been worse lately because my pdoc has changed my meds for something "better." Something that won't cause so many tremors. He's concerned about the tremors. I am, after all, a photographer. But I'd rather not photograph and live with the tremors, I think. These moods are painful.
Several days ago I considered the unthinkable. I don't want to spell it out, but I think you'll know what I mean. Then on Monday the sun came out and I worked in the yard and sat and read in my muskoka chair. Everything was okay again.
Then, yesterday, something bothered me terribly. The situation was later resolved and I felt better again. Today the Good Friday service really got to me and down I went again.
I'm glad I've got this blog where I can talk about it. My friends would tire of my complaints. I don't want to bother them anymore. Though it would be nice to have them pray for me during this unstable time.
I'm reading The End of Religion by Bruxy Cavey, the pastor of The Meeting House, "a church for people who aren't into church." I've been reading quite a few books about Jesus' radical nature and find them exciting.
The Christian church has gotten hung up on so many rules and traditions, most of them having nothing much to do with what Jesus was all about. Established religion was exactly what Jesus was so against when he lived amongst us. Remember what he thought about the Pharisees and the Saducees? Jesus challenged the status quo of the day. I believe he would challenge how some of our religions have turned out as well.
So many Christians have forgotten what Jesus stood for. They've forgotten who they're supposed to be following. Too many think of their churches as holy ground where we should dress up and follow established ways of worshipping. Yet Jesus came to replace the Temple with only himself as the place where we encounter God.
Says Cavey:
"Jesus taught his followers to expect his own continuing presence to dwell, not within special buildings called churches, but within their relationships. He said that wherever two or three people gather together in his name he would be there with them. (Matthew 18:20) If you want to get close to me, says Jesus, get close to the people I love (see Matthew 25:31-46). Jesus seems to be saying that God's presence is best experienced in the sacred space that exists between people when love is offered and received rather than in special buildings or pious places."
I'm not so much against religion, per se, or different styles of worshipping. It's just that people too often forget to act out the meat of Christ's message: To love our neighbour and to love God. It's all about love, isn't it? Let us not forget to love each other.
This morning I received a wonderfully encouraging comment from Wendalyn - something I very much needed to hear. God's answer for some of what I've been going through, I believe. Wendalyn wrote: "Your words serve a purpose that you may never even know about. I believe that as we speak from our hearts about how we are experiencing life, others can be so easily touched by God without our even being aware of it. Keep speaking from your heart!"
Lately I've felt hesitant to speak from the heart. I feel I have a reputation to uphold and am afraid to write with all honesty. I am, after all, a leader and should come across strong - at least that's how I think. As a result, I've posted very little. Yet I need the support of fellow bloggers like Wendalyn and I've missed my blogging community's support. (All my fault, I know.)
Blogging has always helped me deal with my mood swings. In an effort to help others, I've managed to find the good in the bad. That can at times be difficult to do though and then it's just easier not to post. I try to talk to friends instead. But it's not fair to go to friends too often. They soon feel stifled. Yet I feel the need to talk so much. My thoughts are like a river that has to go somewhere. Does anyone else have that problem?
I have to be very careful not to lose friends, because that can happen, can't it? We talked about this at Living Room on Friday. Everyone had experience with friends rejecting them or abandoning them. What a painful meeting we had! It was so heavy.
My purpose for talking about this was to highlight Jesus' experience at Gethsemane. He was abandoned by his friends too - at a time when he most needed them. Isn't that what happens to many of us? But I also sought to comfort participants by reminding them how well Jesus understands our pain, because he has experienced it himself. When we hurt, Jesus hurts too. We're not alone with the pain.
My message of hope and comfort was over-shadowed, though, by the bad memories the devotional brought to the surface for people. And I feel bad about that. I feel responsible.
I hope to email a more positive message to the people who were there. I hope to send a happy Easter message. But first I need to start feeling happier myself.
Well, I signed up for Twitter tonight. And what a time I'm having trying to find my way around - figuring out the how and what of the thing. I'm such a klutz when it comes to the internet and to learn new things on the computer. Maybe my age? But I still "feel" young.
After a week of feeling rather down, I'm now back to my energetic self. I got a lot done yesterday and today.
I'll probably be doing a presentation at a major bookstore and a signing at another bookstore during Mental Health Week, May 4 - 10. Now I'm trying to put together a press release that will do a good job of getting the word out to the media. The writing is not easy for me right now. I've done so little lately, my writing muscles are stiff and not moving very well. Yet writing is such an important part of my work.
What I would like to talk about is how the church can be supportive of people with mood disorders - especially by sponsoring support groups like Living Room.
Yesterday I heard about someone with bipolar disorder taking his life - someone I worked with on Living Room. Such a shock that was. With 15% of bipolar people dying by suicide the importance of good support is of utmost importance. I was deeply saddened by the news, but determined more than ever to do what I can to raise awareness.
I'm trying to deal with the understanding I've come to that a friend of mine simply considers me a project - someone to support because I have bipolar. And that hurts.
I've always considered her one of my best friends, feeling her love and care. She has been there as someone I can talk to - someone who wants to learn about my disorder (which I value). I've always talked about how important it is to have a support network. And yet, when a friendship is simply built on a person's struggle with a disorder, something seems to be wrong. I want to be her friend too - to be a support for her - yet she doesn't often allow it. She talks little about her own needs. It is a very unbalanced friendship.
So hard to find a balance in a friendship.
I have another friend who is there for me - I know partly because she knows I'm often a needy person. Her support for me has been huge and has helped me become strong and to grow and accomplish things. But she has also let me into her life, telling me about the things she's doing and the things she's reading and thinking. She talks about the things she wants to do. Our friendship is not simply built on her caring for the bipolar me.
Yet I care a lot about this person who has been considering me a project. We have to try to turn this friendship around. It needs to be a me for her relationship as much as it is a her for me relationship. God grant us the wisdom and the ability to do that.
It hurts to simply be considered somebody's project.
Psalm 23 has never been my favourite. I'm not very good at lying down in green pastures. When I'm made to do that, as I have with this cold, I very quickly start feeling useless and often depressed.
Fortunately, depression has not come along with this cold. But I do feel a separation of sorts with the work I want to do. I'm discovering too that I need to read my Bible more - a lot more. I need to stay closer to God than I have been.
So this morning I meditated on Psalm 23. It was comforting. It made me realize that it's okay to rest once in awhile. Through rest, God will restore. In the meantime: "You prepare a table before me...You anoint my head with oil...Surely goodness and love will follow me." (verses 5-6)
I don't feel up to going to church this morning. Still far too tired and weak. But my husband and I have been puttering, cleaning up one very messy and dirty room of the house - taking long breaks in between. We'll do a bit more of that today. Good to be accomplishing that, though I must say, tidying is not one of my favourite things to be doing. I tend to be a creative person, not a maintainer - not one to keep things tidy at all. But I do need to spend at least part of my time doing that. Things in my house are dreadfully out of control.
Neat thing about doing this work is that I'm doing it alongside my husband. It's giving us something to do together. Because we do so many things apart from each other, this is a good thing.
I'm so very proud of my daughter-in-law, Jeannette. A few days ago her food blog, everybodylikessandwiches received the bloggie award for Best Canadian Blog. What an honour! And what a great achievement to be publishing such an interesting, popular blog.
Jeannette loves food. She loves talking about food. And she loves playing with new recipe ideas - always creative. She is also a good photographer, having developed a unique style to her food photography.
I'm so darn proud of her! I think it's about time you seriously start thinking of writing the cookbook you've been wanting to write, Jeannette. Don't you?
I need to have someone to complain to. I have a bad cold. Seldom get one of those but today - on the third day - I'm not good at all. Fever and a cough that scares the cat off my lap and - actually - would scare anyone. It sounds like I'm dying. I don't feel like doing a thing, yet I'm bored too.
What bothers me most is the loneliness that comes with being sick. Wish I could talk to someone - complain to someone. I just don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday my husband and I managed to do most of the dishes that had been piling up for a couple of weeks. I couldn't do them earlier because of some burnt fingers and my husband was sick. But yesterday, after doing most, I left a few to soak and there they are today, still soaking. I'm also way behind on my laundry and no energy to gather up the bedding and everything else and throw them into the washer. My husband has offered to help me a bit. He doesn't know what he's doing, but just to have him at my side will help.
Lonely - especially with my two best friends out of town. One of them - the very best for me to talk to - has been gone for almost five weeks and will be gone for six or seven more. That's real hardship. A person I share almost everything with and with whom I talk almost daily when she's in town - now far away.
I've done quite well though - kept busy - so I haven't suffered too much. Yet today it would be so neat to talk to her a bit.
Full of complaints, aren't I? Good to have this blog though. Good to have someone to talk to.
I'm so very excited I don't know what to do with myself. Just want to pour out all the good stuff I read in a book, stuff that really spoke to me of things I know but have never seen the words for written in such a powerful way. I want to write about these things, talk about them, act on them. And I really don't think I'm manic, or even hypomanic...I don't think. It's just so neat to see your feelings focussed into such great thoughts.
The book is Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell and Don Golden. It's about what Jesus intended the church to be and how many have lost their way.
The authors quote Anne Lamott who said that the most powerful sermon in the world is two words: "Me too."
They they go on to say:
Me too.
When you are struggling, when you are hurting, wounded, limping, doubting, questioning, barely hanging on, moments away from another relapse, and somebody can identify with you - someone knows the temptations that are at your door, somebody has felt the pain you are feeling, when someone can look you in the eyes and say, 'Me too,' and they actually mean it - it can save you.
When you aren't judged, or lectured, or looked down upon, but somebody demonstrates that they get it, that they know what it's like, that you aren't alone, that's 'me too.'
I was so excited about this because that's exactly the way Living Room is. That's what makes our group work. That's what's so healing about it. That's what makes us like a church - like church should be for everyone. Only church isn't always like that. Too often people are judged, looked down on, shunned. If only all Christians could learn - when they meet someone who is different - someone who has bipolar disorder or schizophrenia - to listen to them and try to understand them. If they could only enter into their suffering when they suffer...and then rejoice with them when they rejoice. Isn't that what Christian love is supposed to be all about?
On April 25th there is going to be a MentalHealthCamp in Vancouver, an "unconference about the intersection of the social media and mental health." This sounds like a very interesting event. I've been asked to participate and just hope I'll be worthy, just hope I'll have thoughts of value to contribute, especially since the amount I'm blogging nowadays has gone down. Maybe it will encourage me to become more faithful to my blog? I do know my blog has been important to me and I wouldn't think of giving it up.
One of the questions that will be addressed is: "How can blogging help decrease the stigma of mental health?" I started my blog partly to help reduce stigma. That's why I did not make it anonymous. After all, the more open we are about who we are - unashamedly making it known, the more likely people will start thinking of it as nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm not sorry that my writings, including my blog, articles and books, are not anonymous. I've never been sorry - except perhaps the odd time that I am ashamed of myself - usually because I'm in the midst of a depression. At times like that I don't feel as free to say what I think. I have to hide where I'm at to some extent. I want to encourage people; I want to inspire; I want to be supportive. When I'm deeply depressed I prefer to go to friends or write in my personal journal.
But as far as the question goes: Does blogging decrease the stigma? Perhaps only so far as it encourages readers with mental illness to know they're not alone. Perhaps these readers would be encouraged to be more open with the people they meet, knowing that their problems are relatively common.
I had hoped for readers without mental illness, though. I had hoped I could educate supporters through my blog. Yet most of the people who visit my blog are those who themselves have mental illness.
What do you think? Can blogging decrease stigma? And how?
A couple of years ago I decided to give up photography so that I could devote myself more fully to writing and other mental health related work. I believe that was a good thing. I was able to finish my book and have it published and Living Room has grown.
But lately I've realized that I need to find better balance in my life. Spending all one's time on mental health issues is not necessarily a good thing. I need to do something visually creative too. What really brought this home was when, at Christmas time, I found great comfort in the midst of my depression as I produced calendars for friends. It felt so good to make beautiful pictures again, using some images I had shot in years past.
So I have returned to doing the candid child photography I so love to do - something I have done for over thirty years now. I will make time to take on one or two clients a month.
My first job was a few weeks ago and I'll share a couple of the pictures I took. I was worried about my medication-induced tremors, but they proved not to be a big problem in getting good pictures. There were a few unsharp ones, but when using available light as I do, that's a common thing for every photographer. My psychiatrist and I have played around a bit with my meds and now I have much less problems with tremors. Thank God!
I've been blogging so little. I'm sorry about that, but I've been finding myself expressing my thoughts in emails to friends and that seems to be sufficient. Nevertheless I should share some things here once in a while and I know I should visit you once in awhile too. And once in a while I will.
We had a Living Room meeting yesterday and the meeting left me with the wonderful deep joy I so often feel after.
I will copy here part of an email I sent to my pastor afterwards:
"Tonight I'm getting to the end of the book Helen (my friend) lent me: Mark Buchanan's Hidden in Plain Sight. The second part of the book focuses on 1 Peter 1:5-7, discussing the meaning and significance of goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love (agape love). I'm presently starting to read about love.
Buchanan quotes G.K. Chesterton talking about "Beauty and the Beast": "Unlovely things must be deeply loved before they become lovable." in the way Christ loves us: "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
And I think of how much I love my Living Room people and how even the most seemingly unlovable become so very lovable. And in a strange way I come to love the seemingly unlovable even more than those who might seem more easy to love. Does that make sense? I thank God for giving me that love to love with. Such joy it brings with it! The love of God is very present at Living Room. His presence is there and we are free to come before him the way we are - totally open, not needing to hide anything - no guilt or shame. At Living Room everyone becomes lovable. What a beautiful thing!"
At Living Room yesterday we talked about how to find meaning in life, though we might be disabled - not able to work. Towards the end I suggested starting the day with the following prayer: "God, please fill me with your love and help me to share that love with others." I believe that when we pray that prayer with sincerity and believe God can answer it, we will sense God's love and share that love and we will find our life becoming meaningful.
I hope and pray you will have a day filled with meaning and love today.
Just want to throw a question out for people with bipolar disorder: Do you think bipolars get their feelings hurt easier than people who are emotionally healthy?
Doesn't take much sometimes to get me down. Usually social situations. Things to do with my friendships.
...with God. I truly believe that this is true. "Nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)
I've found that to be true in how Living Room has developed. My own Living Room group has become strong and there are at least eight other groups going right now - and maybe more. More are in the works. And this could never have happened if I hadn't thought of it as God's work - not Marja's work. All I do is the footwork. All I do is pass along what God gives me to say. I put myself in His hands.
Often I felt so very small for this. How could I possibly do something as big as this? But I learned to trust that God is at work and all I had to do was follow. And how I have grown through it! And I learned that nothing is impossible when we trust in God and let Him lead the way.
And now I think of this hypomanic idea I've come up with: this relay march across Canada. Is it a God-size idea or a hypomanic-size idea? Or are the two one and the same? I just know that if God is in this, it can happen. If God is in this, I need to be obedient and follow. But I've also learned not to rush into things like this. I need to wait for my mood to even out and see if I still feel so strongly about it. Perhaps all that will be required from me is to cast the vision. Perhaps all I'll need to do is talk to a few influential people.
If you're puzzled about what I'm talking about here, please read the two posts I wrote yesterday - written - I know - in a bit of a hypomanic fervour. And yet such fervour has led to good things too, hasn't it? I must not throw this idea away as pure lunacy. It would be great if this dream could truly happen.
Today my mood is more even. I've drawn back. Was even downright down for awhile last night and this morning. And this morning I've done nothing much but think. That's not a good thing. Thinking without action is unhealthy for a bipolar.
It's almost lunchtime for me. After lunch I will work on some photographs of a baby I took awhile ago. Focus on something creative.
A couple of years ago I gave up photography, choosing to put all the energy I had into mental health work. But recently I decided it would be healthy to start up again. I need a more balanced life. I need to do something creative. The gift I have of photographing young children is God-given. To reject it would be a sin I think. So now I'm re-discovering the joy I always found in this work. Perhaps I will post one of the pictures next week, once I get permission from the mom and dad.
The sun is shining in spring-like fashion here in Vancouver. The birds were singing early this morning. God has given us a beautiful day.
"All the forces in the world are not so powerful as an idea whose time has come." Victor Hugo, History of a Crime
I'm still feeling frustrated that my plan to walk/march for mental health research is something that would be beyond what I can presently do. I so wish someone would take this on because I think it would have a huge stigma busting impact.
Why am I so passionate about this right now?
I am showing some mild symptoms of tardive dyskinesia and am worried about it. The meds I've been taking have been great, but are amongst those that can cause this awful side effect. And I've been thinking of what the alternatives would be. Olanzapine was always good for me, but causes weight gain and has been the direct cause of diabetes for many. Much more research needs to happen to find more acceptable drugs.
I've for many many years been frustrated about the puny amount of money going into mental health research - puny when you compare it to cancer and heart research. The direct reason for this is the stigma. When no one is willing to talk about it, nothing gets done.
A walking relay across Canada - and for our American neighbours, a walk across the US - would draw attention to it. It would draw attention to the need for research dollars; and it would draw attention to the needs of those who live with mental illness. I'm sure if someone took the initiative to work on this, he or she would get lots of support from the Mental Health Commission of Canada.
Pastor Don spoke on Sunday about "The Power of a Shared Vision." He said, "Vision is the ability to see what should be and to imagine what could be."
I have a vision of great groups of people - people who live with mental illness and those who support them - marching across Canada in relay fashion. Starting in Vancouver and moving east, passing a talking stick from one to the other, speaking out about their needs. By the time we reach the east coast, I believe the public will have learned a lot and funds for research would have been raised. Each group will encourage the next. We will be encouraged to come out from the shadows.
I have a vision that one day mental illness will be talked about more and there won't be so much stigma. Those who suffer from the illness won't need to also suffer from shame. More of us will go for help. More help will become available.
Can you see it? Can you - will you - share in my vision?
Pastor Don quoted Peter Senge from The Art and Practice of the Learning Organization: "A shared vision is not an idea, but rather a force in people's hearts that is unrivalled in its power to transform and accomplish."
It has been awhile since I've written. Just can't apply myself to blogging like I used to. So many other things going on. And yet I value this place - this blog. It's such a wonderful place to share stuff.
I want to share a dream I had: The Mental Health Commission of Canada wants to raise an army of volunteers to raise funds for mental health research. I'm so happy about that. For years I've thought there should be campaigns for this kind of research in the same way there are high profile campaigns for cancer and heart research. There is so little research going into mental health - such a puny bit when you put it next to support for cancer. And why? It's because of the stigma.
I have long thought that someone needs to do something grand for mental health. We need a Terry Fox. We need someone who will lead a march across the country, drawing attention to mental health issues.
So my dream lately has been to get a walk going - a relay walked by people from across the country, passing a talking stick from one to the other. These would not be single people, walking alone. No. It would be groups of people walking together, picking up fresh people as each group tired out. Each group would be led by someone taking the talking stick, someone willing to talk about the needs of those who live with mental illness. The groups would consist of people living with mental illness and their supporters. All of them willing to be counted. All of them willing to come out of the shadows.
For a some time now I've been thinking about organizing such a thing. But I've waited, wondering if that wouldn't be too much for me. Would Living Room not suffer to have me tied up with yet another project?
This morning I woke up very early with all this on my mind. I thought of talking to friends, hoping they would be dead honest with me about my plans. Is this wise for me? Or is it another bipolar-size plan? Instead I asked God, writing my questions to him in my journal:
"Am I nuts to be thinking of doing a big walk for mental health research? Somebody needs to do it. Should it be me Lord? Or do I already have enough on my plate? Is this a bipolar size plan? Is this beyond me?"
And God's answer was clear. A resounding "No." Shucks!!
I need to keep my focus on Living Room. Don't want that to suffer. And I need to maintain some margin in my life - time to help friends when they need me - time to work my way through the moods that come upon me now and then.
I just wish someone would do such a thing. Is there someone waiting in the wings who would be up to this?
I was just puttering - looking through some old articles I wrote - and came upon this one. I don't think I've ever posted it here.
As a person living with bipolar disorder, I used to feel frustrated that so many people do not understand mental illness. I was angry that, because of the stigma that surrounds these diseases, people didn’t even try to empathize. But through my writing and educating others, I’ve learned that the problem does not lie only with healthy people who do not understand. It lies as well with those of us who live with mental illness. We share the onus of making the world a friendlier place for people like ourselves. This piece is for us.
I try hard to understand the people who do not yet understand. This helps me educate others on mental health issues, whether through my writing, speaking, or meeting with others.
We who live with mental illness need to go beyond thinking that others should understand us. We need to understand them as well. Understanding is a two-way street. All of us should understand each other. Those of us with mental illness should empathize with healthy people who need to be encouraged to learn what mental illness is and is not. We need the patience to educate them gradually. With help, they will learn, step-by-step, to cut through the stigma that so heavily surrounds mental illness.
We would like to see healthy people put themselves in our place, with empathy. But we with mental illness must also put ourselves in their place, to understand why they have so much trouble empathizing. We need to learn how to build empathy where it doesn’t exist. And we need patience with those who can’t identify with us—not anger or frustration, but love, showing them love in the same way we want to be loved. In this way, we will gradually remove the stigma.
If we believe in ourselves, without shame or guilt, others will not be able to hurt us as much with their unsympathetic attitudes. We will learn to ignore snubs and not return them. We will reach out to others who have trouble reaching out to us. We will learn not to internalize the stigma. We will not accept the stigma, but will live instead as though it doesn’t exist.
I’m fortunate to have a husband who has always supported me. I didn’t have to worry about keeping my disorder secret from unsympathetic employers. I had the freedom, ten years ago, to start educating the public by writing about my illness, trying to build empathy and compassion. My church friends gradually learned from me what it means to live with bipolar disorder. Today I enjoy a church environment in which mental health issues are an acceptable topic of conversation. The faith-based mood disorders support group, Living Room, that I started has become a much-loved ministry for my church.
Most people want to feel compassion for others. All they need is to understand our illnesses better. For that to happen, the stigma that causes fear and prevents people from learning must be reduced. And the only way to reduce stigma is to talk openly about these issues. When we talk naturally about mental illness, it’s amazing how many people with these problems come out of hiding. Others become more supportive, and suddenly sick people no longer need to suffer alone and in silence.
Though I’m still angry at the stigma, I no longer feel as angry about the misunderstanding. Today I try instead to understand people who don’t understand, knowing they need time to learn. If we educate with patience, one person at a time—loving them as we want to be loved—the world will become a better place.
As the Bible says, “…live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.” (1 Peter 3:8)
I'm celebrating - happy - joyous!! Tonight I had a call from a lady in Victoria, telling me that her church had its first Living Room meeting today. Another group is born - the tenth. Praise God, eh?
This particular group will be serving people with all kinds of mental illness, not only mood disorder. It is also not quite ready to do outreach work. Members so far are only from the host church.
What delighted me was that the facilitator was so truly happy to be doing this. And the participants are very grateful for the group. Now they'll have a place where they can be open about both - their faith in God and their mental health issues.
Thank you, thank you, God, for the work you are doing through Living Room!
And now on with some more of what Pastor Don talked about a couple of Sundays ago:
Don said, "It's out of brokenness that God births a vision in your life....If God breaks your heart about something, He's saying, 'Do something about it.' ...Long before God gives you a vision He has been preparing you - He's been at work in your life - long before you even knew there was a God out there."
"...You may have had a painful life, experiences you wish you could forget. But if you give your life to God, no matter how bad - if you surrender your pains to God - God can work good things out of bad."
"...A vision given by God will always demand courage and boldness from us. ...If we think we can do it, it's probably way too small and not from God. A God idea will always stretch our capacity to think that it's possible. A God idea will always be beyond the resources we see available. A God-given vision is always bigger than our perception of our own human ability."
But the comment has been made by a couple in the congregation: "I've never had a vision from God. Surely not everyone is going to receive such a grand vision." Some people feel there's something wrong with them. They lead good unselfish lives, doing things for others, yet don't feel they've ever had one of these God-sized ideas. Some are feeling guilty about that. Some are feeling there's something wrong with them.
From my limited experience, I have seen that some of the greatest visions have come to those who have experienced the greatest pain in their lives. Don has also said, "Out of the source of your greatest pain, [God can bring forth His] greatest work." But, as he said, we need to surrender our lives to God.
Have you ever had a God-size vision? Do you feel that's possible for you? Shouldn't it be enough to be a help to others in whom a vision is birthed? Let's talk about it. How are you feeling about all this?
I've been struggling. Wanting to write another post, but knowing it would not be an easy straight forward one to write. I want to continue writing about things my pastor Don has talked about - things that I've found very inspiring. Maybe I'll do this in bits and write two or three posts on the topic. Small bites are so much easier to chew.
Don asked, "Are you ever moved by something that grips your heart? Do you take the time to allow yourself to be moved by something, or do you live a too-busy, too self-centered life?" Everyone has something that bothers them deeply. Is there something - even a small thing - you can do to make things better?
"Do you have a sense that your life counts for something? Do you have direction?" Don quotes Seneca who said, "If a man knows not what harbor he seeks, any wind is the right wind." If we can take the time - quiet time with God - to chew on the things that bother us and look for a way that we could help, perhaps we could find direction for our lives. Life would become meaningful.
Many years ago now I was very bothered by the stigma that's attached to mental illness. This discontent would not go away. I was angered by it, knowing that mental illness was not anything a sufferer could help. It just isn't fair to be saddled by shame, as well as the symptoms of a painful disorder.
Bill Hybels wrote a great little book called Holy Discontent. The description of "holy discontent" on the back cover reads:
"What is the one aspect of this broken world that, when you see it, touch it, or get near it, you just can't stand? What reality is so troubling that it thrusts you off the couch and into action? This is what Bill Hybels refers to as a holy discontent: a personal 'firestorm of frustration' that, although sparked by that which is terribly wrong, can catalyze fierce determination to set things right. It is often during these eye-opening heart-hungering moments of engagement when you will hear God whisper, "I feel the exact same way about this situation. Now, let's go solve it together.'"
I had a discontent that would not go away. God lit a fire in me that won't die. The result has been many articles, two books, and the founding of Living Room, a faith-based support program for people with mood disorders.
Does it bother you too that people with mental health issues don't get more acceptance and better support from the church? Do you also feel such a "holy discontent?" Would you too like to form a Christian support group for people with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders in your church?
I never thought I'd be able to facilitate such a group. But I found out that when God is in it, He will do the work. All we to do is to share His love with others. You'd be surprised at what can happen.
If you're interested in joining me in God's vision to create a good place for Christians with mood disorders to meet together, I hope you'll check out the Living Room website and get involved.
I'm very proud to say that my daughter-in-law, Jeannette Ordas's popular food blog, everybodylikessandwiches, has been one of five finalists nominated as best Canadian blog. I'm so very proud of her. Please check her out and if you like it, could you vote for her? Today is the last chance to vote.
I want to reflect in this post and the next - and maybe more - on the sermons Pastor Don gave in church over the last couple of Sundays. He has been doing a powerful series that should be of interest to anyone who is looking for meaning in life. And when you have bipolar disorder and a full life is not as easy to achieve as it might be for healthy people, it's important to find a way to find something meaningful to do, isn't it?
In this post I've quoted Don loosely, using some of my own wording. Hope that's okay, Don. Don asked, "Do you have a vision for your life?"
It's important to live with vision - with a dream for the future you want for your life - having a picture of what you hope for your future...or the future of the world. What matters to you? Is there something that bothers you enough that you'd like to do something about it? What does God want you to do with your life?
For me it's been fighting the stigma attached to mental illness. Working towards this - with the help of God - has been very fulfilling.
When you have vision you will have direction and a sense of purpose for your life. It will clarify what you should be doing and not doing. Vision gives meaning to even the most mundane things in your life. Working towards your vision will mean that you need to stay healthy. You will be motivated to look after yourself - eating healthy foods and getting excercise. After all, if you're to accomplish things, you'll need to be strong and healthy, won't you? It's all part of the bigger thing. Vision will inject passion and motivation for what you do. You'll be excited about life - eager to get up in the morning. Where there's a vision good things begin to happen. Where there's vision there's passion and joy.
How does God birth a vision?
Realize that God's vision is bigger than ours. He lives with a bigger perspective than we do. Vision is birthed in those who are concerned with what concerns God. We hear from God and are led by God when our interests are in more than just ourselves. Does what breaks the heart of God break your heart too? We need to live a life that is bigger than ourselves.
Proverbs 29:18 (NASB) says: "Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained." (in other words, anything goes) You live blindly, without any real sense of purpose or meaning.
When we start following Jesus we're called to deny ourselves - to stop focussing on our own little lives. God's concerns become our concerns. We allow God to let our heart break over something. If you think you can carry out your plans on your own, it's not from God. If it's from God it's overwhelming.
What is breaking your heart today? Are you ready to let God lead you to join Him in the work He's doing?
My husband and I got back from our holiday last night. We had a wonderful time - a true true rest. Something I needed. Now I feel refreshed and eager to get back to work. I was even making a list of all the things I wanted to do when I got home...while I was still on the cruise.
Just before we left I was corresponding with someone who has bipolar disorder and hasn't been able to work for awhile. She wrote:
"I personally feel discouragement, a loss of identity, and a lot of shame & guilt having been off work for this long."
I can well remember similar feelings - actually throughout most of my adult life off and on. For many years I scoured the Help Wanted pages of the newspaper on a daily basis, hoping to find work I'd be able to do. I wanted to earn money. I wanted to feel I had some value. But the two or three times I tried to work at part time jobs, I couldn't keep it up longer than two months. Always ended up in tears. The stress was just too great.
I was constantly trying to find something meaningful to do - something that would make me feel that my life had some value. With my photography I tried to earn money; I tried to become famous. Though I did earn a bit of money, and though I did receive a good reputation for my photography, neither of these were fulfilling in the long run. "Is that all there is?" I would repeatedly think to myself.
As I got older I gradually learned what was most important to me. Now I love what I'm doing and don't feel I need to be rich or famous. I just want to help people with mental illness - just get a good feeling from doing so. I want to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. My life has become meaningful.
But it was a long road to get here. And, even now, there are times that I wish I could earn some real money, even though my husband supports the both of us well enough.
It IS tricky to find a life that is meaningful when bipolar keeps you from being able to make longterm commitments. And I do still have trouble comfortably doing that. Episodes still come along and I cannot trust how I'm going to be from month to month.
My book A Firm Place to Stand deal with a lot of these questions and the struggles I've had over the years. I found out that it IS possible to find a fulfilling life. It's tricky, and it will take a lot of work, a lot of trial and error. A person needs to do a lot of searching to find out what is most important to her and where her talents lie.
The person I quoted also made another comment:
"I'm wondering How can I actually feel OK about accepting this new life, and be at peace with it."
And it does start with accepting our disorder and the limitations it puts upon us, doesn't it? Yet I believe we can create a rich life, in spite of these limitations.
How do you feel about all this? Where have your struggles taken you? Have you been able to find hope in spite of your disorder? I'd love to hear your stories.
Just want to let you know my husband and I are going away tomorrow, coming back on January 19th. Will miss you all, but it will be good to get a rest in the warm sunshine - a Caribbean cruise of all things. We've never cruised before and may never have the opportunity again, so I look forward to the experience.
I need to write some more on this. Just re-read my last post and realize how hard it must be to accept for many. Did you find it discouraging or encouraging?
Personally, I'm just so excited that I can be doing something today to make tomorrow's world a better place. I know how hard it is to overcome the stigma attached to mental illness. I realize that it probably won't happen in my lifetime. But to think that things might be different for the next generation! To think that how I live my life today might help future generations!
I don't have to give up fighting for this because I can't see the results. Every little thing I do to work towards this will count something for the future. Pastor Don said, "The future is bigger than your lifetime. You can do something with your life that is bigger than your wildest dreams." (Actually, God can do it and we can be His hands and feet and mouth.)
Now isn't that thought encouraging? Doesn't it just make you want to do your best to work for what you believe in?
Pastor Don Dyck's sermon yesterday inspired me so much that I want to share a bit with you. I've just come off a roller coaster of ups and downs and am not even absolutely sure whether I'm off it yet. There were times I didn't want to live anymore, times when I called the crisis line and a prayer line in the middle of the night. Yet this sermon spoke to me, helping me realize it may not all be for nothing. It helps me realize that God is there with me in the middle of it all and that this is all part of His plan (not that He made me suffer, but knew that I would).
Don focussed on Jeremiah 29:11, a verse that is loved by so many. I know it has often encouraged me:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Taken in context, the way Bible verses need to be considered, these words might not be saying what we think them to say. We should realize that God is speaking to the Jews in exile in Babylon. Their lives are in turmoil and they think life is hopeless. The verse prior to this one says:
This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place."
So...God does not necessarily promise our welfare immediately. When we're in pain - in exile - we may not experience God's promise anytime soon. It may not even happen in our lifetime! (Bipolar will be with me all my life, I know.) Yet verse 12 to 13 tell us:
...you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. "I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
God is at work. He is with us in the middle of any pain we might be facing. And how we live our life - no matter how hard - will affect future generations. The future God has planned for us is larger than our own lives. God's plan for us extends beyond our own lifetime. Even Moses, and many others with strong faith did not see God's plans fulfilled in their lifetime. But their work helped future generations.
I want to share Pastor Don's prayer with you because many of you are suffering as I so often do. And this prayer spoke so powerfully to me. I hope that you too will find hope here.
Father, you are an all-knowing God who sees our lives from beginning to end. You see every day of our life before it's lived. You read every page of the story of our life before it's written. But you also put the pen in our hands to work with you to write out our stories.
Sometimes we're trying to make sense of our experiences that don't make sense. Sometimes we're trying to find you in the middle of experiences where we can't see you. But I think that all of us want to find you, and you promise that if we seek you with all our hearts we will find you.
And so today we lift up all those who are experiencing painful circumstances in their lives - who feel they're in exile and feel this isn't going to end...and maybe it won't end anytime too soon. But I thank you that you promise to walk each step of the way with us. You never leave us. And you give us the privilege of being your presence in each other's lives as well.
So may we go into this year with sights lifted up and looking even beyond this year. As we engage fully in this life knowing that, and live fully this life with a sense that our life matters greatly and is more important than anything that we could ever begin to imagine or think. And that through us you could be laying - and are laying - the foundations of different things you want to do in the world beyond our lifetime.
Thank you for your work in our lives. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
Last night we took the tree and all the decorations down. A further release from the Christmas season. I can breathe easy again.
Turns out a lot of people at Living Room yesterday shared my feelings of relief. Too bad, isn't it, that a celebration that should be beautiful carries such stress with it? How can we possibly avoid that? Will have to make a serious attempt next year to avoid that.
It snowed again last night. Don't know if I've ever seen such an ongoing snowy time before. Not where we live. Kind of crimps your style. There are people who haven't dug out from the last few snowfalls yet. Can't get out of their lane - or find it difficult and dangerous to do so.
This limits my visiting times with Mom. It's hard to find parking at the home with the piles of snow on the sides of the street. Hard to find a spot in the parking lot. But I'll try to get there today and take my chances. She called a couple of days ago telling me she's feeling lonely.
The cruise will be nice. Warm weather. Worries all left behind. Only a few days to wait now.
A Happy New Year to everyone! I hope you've all survived the holiday season. I, for one, am looking forward to a more normal pace of life.
At Living Room on Friday we're going to talk about how Christmas was for all of us. Why is it that it's such a difficult season?
I've been thinking a bit about that and realize it's the expectations we put on ourselves that makes it so hard. Put that on top of what is already a busy and complex life, and you have a lot of stress - stress that causes mood disturbances.
I wonder if that's why I haven't been able to work throughout most of my adult life? Going to work and measuring up to what is expected from me - and me always wanting to give it my all - has always given me so much stress that I've had to quit the part-time jobs I did try. In each case I found I had no energy left to do my own thing - to be creative, to cook for my family, and to do all the other things that I felt I needed to do to have a complete life. Each time I tried a part-time job I would end up in tears two or three months after starting. I had no freedom to lead my life in the way I wanted to and needed to. No time for the photography that was so important to me, no energy to cook proper meals. I was not able to live up to the expectations of my employer and me. Working caused me too much stress.
I like what Merely Me said in her blog and feel the same way: "Can I tell you that I am simply giddy that it is over? It's twue...it's twue! Christmas is over...YAY! I can breathe easier."
Except for having to prepare for the cruise my husband and I are taking, I am free to do what I want. Before Christmas I always feel like everything I do has to contribute to Christmas preparations. I don't feel free to do the things that are really important to me. Dare I say, Christmas puts me into a kind of prison - one I can't escape, no matter how I try. The result is a lot of stress and depression.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a "bah humbug" sort of person. On the contrary, I always loved Christmas. I enjoy the carols and the baking. I like to buy gifts. But I want everything to be perfect. And maybe that's the problem. My expectations are too high and that creates a lot of stress.
I have high expectations of myself for the mental health work I do as well, but that's work of my own choosing. I go at my own pace, as the mood strikes me - and the mood strikes me often. It's truly what God made me to do. I'm free to make of it what I wish.
I'm glad to be standing on the brink of a new year. Time to start afresh. I've decided to start photographing children again and that's exciting. That work has always given me such joy. My life will be busy, but more balanced. My husband is happy because he was always sorry that I gave up this creative pursuit. I'll go to camera club with him again. We will share a common interest again.
I woke up feeling crummy again this morning. And I realize how I need to shorten my quiet time in the morning and get moving earlier - like the writing here I'm doing now. Too much time sitting is not a good thing.
I have a lot of little things on my to-do list for today. Just little - all manageable - things. And I look forward to ticking them off. Such a good feeling that is! Just thinking about it makes me feel better.
One bigger thing I need to work on is my devotional for Friday's Living Room meeting. We will talk about how Christmas was, why it was that way, and looking to the future - the new year. Leaving the old behind.
Yesterday went well. My Curves workout did me such a lot of good. And I enjoyed my visit with Mom. I'm so happy with how she's doing. She's not lonely at the home anymore. Has made some good friends. Is happy. She's responding so well to the care she's receiving now.
The Globe and Mail newspaper had a wonderful article about how Michael Kirby, the first chair of the Mental Health Commission of Canada, would like to start an organization for mental health similar to the Canadian Cancer Society. Volunteers would raise moneys for research in the same way they do for cancer. There could be mental health walks. This would not only raise money, it would raise awareness.
I'm so happy about this. It's exciting. I've felt something like this has been needed for a long time. We are fortunate to have someone of Michael Kirby's calibre take an interest in mental health issues.
There was a time - not so long ago - that there was a stigma surrounding cancer as well. People avoided talking about it. Those who had cancer tended to keep it a secret, suffering in silence. I'm sure we will be able to reduce the stigma attached to mental illnesses as well. We might not be able to remove it, but there is huge room for better attitudes to those of us who suffer from it.
My church is an example of a place that is learning to accept those with mental illness. As I've been going through my recent trials, I've had much support. People don't avoid me. They ask how I'm doing. I get hugs. If only this could happen in all churches!
I felt crummy waking up this morning. But I took my shower early and I have a list of things to do today - all little things. I know that working on those and ticking them off as I accomplish them I will start feeling better. One of the first things I'll do is go to Curves for a much needed workout.
Hope you're all well and looking forward to the day.
Two local psychologists, Dan Bilsker and Randy Paterson, have put together an Antidepressant Skills Handbook which is available to download online free of charge. It is available here. The book gives strategies for people with depression to employ, some of it based on the cognitive therapy approach. Individuals can work their way through it with the coaching of a friend or family member. It is also suitable for use by support groups.
I downloaded the 67-page workbook a couple of months ago, intending to make copies to use with a small group of Living Room members. Yesterday I decided it would be a good time for me to try the workbook myself. What better way to familiarize myself with it? I'm sure I'll be able to benefit from it right now.
One section that will be very good for me right now is the one on depressive thinking. That's probably my worst problem right now. The book helps you learn to identify and recognize depressive thoughts, seeing how they trigger your low mood. You learn to challenge these depressive thoughts and replace them with fair and realistic ones. You learn to practice more balanced, realistic thinking.
I don't usually have a lot of problems with negative thinking. I tend to be a very positive person. Yet when I'm into a period of depression as I have been lately, I tend to latch onto negative thoughts about myself. That's when my mood really dips.
I had a good day today. No negative thoughts at all. Finally tackled a huge mess in my bedroom. I followed a friend's advice and put on some good music as I worked. There's still lots to do, but it's already looking much better. It will be so good to come home from the cruise to a tidy house. What I did today is truly a huge accomplishment. I feel encouraged.
Regrets and shame have brought me down lately. I'm good one day, and then something triggers me to turn to those negative emotions and thoughts and I go deeply dark.
But, if I were able to get things into better perspective, the way I should and the way it's healthy, I would see that those negative things are really very small when you place them next to all the good things in my life. I have so much to be thankful for. And the Bible does remind us to think of the good and not to be anxious. And God knows what is good for us and we need to listen.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
In between the dark times, I have felt this peace, only to return to the dark again days later. A very troubling thing. Can I hang onto this peace, can I hang onto the good, those things for which I am thankful? With God's help and with supportive friends beside me, I know I can. But I have to make the decision to strive for this and cling to feelings of thankfulness.
It's not hard to think of things I'm thankful for. I'm really a very fortunate person (except for this darn bipolar disorder). I thank God for:
a husband who loves me and has endless patience with me
friends who love me and are supportive. I love them so very much.
plenty to eat, a warm comfortable home, all the clothes I need.
a cruise planned for January 7th. I know, you're all saying "How can she possibly not be jubilant about that?"
a talent for photographing children, work which gives me great joy, work which I will soon resume after a long hiatus.
the work God has given me to do. It's wonderful to have a purpose so worthwhile - a purpose I feel God designed me for. Thank you, God, for leading me to that.
a healthy body
an enjoyment of books and learning.
Sudoku puzzles that keep my mind occupied and off the negative.
playing Ticket to Ride with my husband. Thank you, God, for the challenge. I seldom win anymore, but it's so much fun trying.
a smart husband who enjoys the work he does. Thank you, God, that he's able to do it at home, close to me.
a pastor who is down to earth and wants to understand mental disorders. Thank you, God, for how he supports me and my work.
a God who loves me, no matter what - even when I get more negative than he wants me to.
It has been a very long time since I wrote here. Not much has changed since my last post. Guess that's why I haven't written. When I write I like to have words that will encourage and inspire and I've been having a hard time finding those words lately. Safer to just not say anything, eh?
I have good times when I function normally, alternating with times when I'm deep, clinging to negative thoughts. At times I lose hope. After all, this has been going on for three months now.
A series of stressful situations started this, Christmas - as usual - being one of them. But you would think it would let up after all the sources of stress have been resolved. It hasn't happened so far, but I am praying that it will happen soon. Thing is, I have to live my life and think positively, try not to dwell on the negative.
In past years I've always tried to learn from my moods - things that I could pass on to others. By encouraging others, I found I was encouraging myself. I remember sitting on my bed in the psych ward years ago working on Riding the Roller Coaster. I found satisfaction drawing from what I was going through, finding the good in the bad, and sharing it with the many others who I knew would be able to relate. Inspirational writing helped me cope with my own difficulties. That's one reason I've done as well as I have.
Today I don't have a book to work on, but I have this blog. I will try to write more often. I will try to use my writing to find the good in the bad and to share that good with you.
When I talk to my friend, expressing my feeling of shame over the way I've felt and behaved lately, she keeps telling me I need to move on. And I guess she's right. I certainly can't stay stuck here. There are things I've built my life on that require me to be strong. And I want to do those things. I want to help others who struggle with mood disorders. I want to help new Living Room groups form. I want to find the joy again - the holy joy I always feel after my Living Room meetings. I don't want to be a victim; I want to give.
I need to make Philippians 3:12b mine over the next while: "...I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." And in verse 13: "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."
I need to think of tomorrow. What can I do tomorrow to bring forward the purpose God gave me to live for - to help erase stigma - to help people with mood disorders?
What good can I find in what I am going through to share with you, my blogging pals? I want you to be blessed by what I have to say and it is my prayer that I will - with the help of God - do so.
I will write more - maybe even today - as I work towards this. I will find the good in the bad. I know God will help me do so. He always has and He will again.
In spite of the snow that kept a lot of people from attending our party, we had sixteen people. It was a wonderful, intimate time. Good food and good visiting. We finished all of Janice's turkey and almost all the stuffing. It was so good. One of our new members told her story about how her relationship with God started and how good He has been to her, in spite of her depression and MS. We sang all the six Christmas carols I had photocopied - really got into it, in spite of not having a piano to accompany us. Such a great time!
My motivation is pretty good right now, though I'm still struggling with depression symptoms. Negative thinking was a serious problem last night and then I woke up with it as well. That led to some truly depressed feelings. But through an email to my friend, I managed to talk - to reason - my way out of it.
I guess everyone has things they could be sad and negative about. Thing is, you don't need to dwell on it. I've learned that doing instead of thinking builds positive feelings. And thinking of how you can build into other people's lives takes the focus away from yourself. You then have a purpose that you can live for. And that's where true joy comes from. At least that's the way it is for me most of the time. In the email to my friend I sorted through these things, reminding myself of what I've know for so long. But how easily you can forget, eh?
Today's Christmas party was a good place for me to get out of my negative thinking. I love my friends there and it was just very good to be together. To do instead of think.
I had such a wonderful day yesterday. I started the day off baking my first batch of cookies. That energized me. Smelling the Christmassy spices emanating from my oven motivated me to do other things. My husband helped me wash all the dishes that had been collecting. It felt so good to feel well enough to do that. I carried on later in the day tidying the messy dining area, something I had previously felt powerless to tackle.
I felt so happy, so freed from the prison-like state I have been in for so long. Got lots of things done. Felt like Christmas could now really begin for me.
In the afternoon I called my good friend who has been such wonderful support for me. I was all excited and happy about how my mood had turned around. But I was disappointed that she did not share in my happiness in the way I had hoped. She warned me to take one day at a time, realizing that these breaks from the depression have happened before, only to have the depression return again.
These last couple of months have been like that. Periods of non-motivation, even getting to the point at times of not wanting to go on. Then I escape and am able to function normally again, only to dip down again a few days later. A real roller coaster ride this has been.
I've learned though, that I need to have a manageable focus in place. One important thing to work towards at a time, not worrying about the rest. This week it's the Living Room Christmas party. One of our members offered to cook us a turkey. The rest of the dinner will be supplied by the others. I think it will be a good time.
I've also remembered to make a list of things to do for each day, setting manageable goals. This is something I've always advocated yet have somehow forgotten to do lately. Yesterday I managed to achieve all my goals. Truly a wonderful feeling to have done that.
I awoke this morning not feeling quite as wonderful as I did yesterday. But I have set my goals for today and will work on those, doing instead of thinking. (It's the ruminating - the thinking without doing - that gets me into a lot of trouble.)
And I will remember to live, knowing that God is my stronghold. With Him everything is possible, including the ability to prepare well for Christmas - to be happy - to smile - to love.
It has been such a very long time since I wrote here. I feel bad about it, because this blog has always been important to me.
I've been on a roller coaster for about two months now - times when I've been okay and other times when I've felt very down, not knowing how I can continue, wishing I could get off the ride.
I've heard some people with bipolar say how they think they are well and will always be well. They've learned to handle life and their illness in such a way that it will never pose a problem for them again.
The truth is that once you have the disorder, you can never be sure of your wellness. The depression will always return. Meds need to be changed and the downturn will have to run its course. It can be very discouraging. You wonder if you can ever be counted on again.
I've been fortunate. I've had a lot of support - good friends and an understanding husband.
My pastor Don talked on Sunday about Bill Hybels' book, Holy Discontent. How we all have something in the world that we're not happy about. When this becomes a passion and we know that we want to do something about it we will know it's God's calling for us. I have that holy discontent. I want very much to make a difference in the lives of people with mental health problems. I feel called to help and erase the stigma that exists. I would like to help society - and especially the church - accept people like us better. I want to educate Christians so that they will treat people like us with compassion - so that they will know how to support us.
Yes, I have a holy discontent. Unfortunately my work has had to be put on hold while I try to just cope with my day to day home life...and with Christmas. How I long to be well enough - strong enough - to pick it up again. I'm working hard to get to that point.
As a result of the depression, it has been hard to motivate myself to do even the basics. But I do have good days when I can do some catching up. Yesterday was good. I was encouraged. In the evening, after a full day, I sat down and made a list of all the things I will need to do before Christmas.
Christmas will be toned down a lot at our house this year. My dear husband has even told me we don't have to have Christmas at our house this year. We don't have to buy a lot of gifts, we don't have to send out cards, I don't have to bake. That was a very good thing to tell me. It relieved the pressure I felt. As a result I'm now doing what I want to do, not what I have to do. And I want to celebrate as well as I can. I want to do some baking. I want to clean house and decorate it. I want to have a tree. I want this to be a holy time for us.
My friend Helen has helped me by pointing me to the Psalms to give me support and encouragement. And I read how "The Lord is the stronghold of my life." (Ps 27:1) I cling to words like those and find peace reading them. God will hold me up and give me the strength to do the things I need to do. And I know He loves me.
A couple of days ago I played with a baby. Loving that baby broke out good feelings in me. And I could see how I need to live my life out of love - love for my husband, my friends and family, and for God. I need to try and stay engaged with them. Feel their love. Return their love.
And I will live one day at a time, doing what is most important. Maybe this is the day I will turn around.
As a person with bipolar disorder and a faith in Jesus Christ, I write about mental health issues, esp encouraging a more understanding view by the Christian church. In an effort to help my church give support to people with mood disorders, I started a support group called "Living Room." Now groups are starting up elsewhere. I'm in my mid-sixties and feel I have a lot to share - the fruits of a "long" life - and I love doing that.
