The creativity kickstart

Amazing how a little creativity - a new project - colour - excitement - can kickstart a more positive mood! And once it's done, I fall back, into the verge of depression again - the unmotivated self.

In the midst of my verge of depression, I had an idea last week. No, it didn't come from me exactly. It was truly planted there by God. If you don't believe in God and are wondering about me, not believing such a clear leading from God can happen, I've got to tell you it can and does. Through my quiet time with God one day last week, the mission some of our church members are going on sprang to mind. No reason for that to happen. And through a bunch of well-led wanderings of the mind, I realized I wanted to send along some bookmarks I had made. But I didn't have enough. And besides, they were in English. The people in that country would not understand them. I decided to make some up in the Spanish language.

How the thought of such a project excited me!! It totally kickstarted a livening of the mind, return to a positive, even high, mood. I worked happily on this for several days, ending up with 340 bookmarks of eleven different designs. My obsession with Living Room was replaced with an obsession for bookmarks. I imagined what the people in this country might need. They don't have ready access to Christian literature. How could I fill their needs? How could I encourage them? As I worked, I felt like a missionary. And I felt alive.

But when the project was finished I once more returned to slumber mode. No motivation to do the many things that had been piling up around me, needing to be tended to. Good thing my husband is now paying the bills. I'm so grateful for that. But there are other things - stacks of paper - that need to be looked after. And I felt powerless to work on it. The laundry I did three days ago was still in the drier. I had no energy to take it out and put it away.

This morning I sent an email to my closest friends, crying out about my inability to find a firm place to stand. My instability. Up sometimes, down other times. It's like Satan is playing a cat and mouse game with me.

The Psalms are wonderful to read at times like this. David seems to know all about this. I found comfort this morning in Psalm 143. "...may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." (vs.10)

Fortunately I had signed up for a watercolour course a few weeks ago and my first class was this morning. Colour. Creativity. Making things happen with my hands (painting a tulip still life) instead of having things happen to me. I didn't do very well. After all, it was only the first art class I'd ever taken. But that didn't matter. I had fun playing. And I came home looking at everything in my world a little differently. I looked around me, wondering what I could paint next.

My mind and mood has had another kickstart. Another opportunity to escape possible descent into a black hole.

Will I be able to keep this up? Will I be able to keep pushing back the dark?

Ah, but I have God at my side. I have the support of loving friends. I have the will to be well and to serve God. And I'm grateful. Things could be so much worse.

Never stable?

My friend at church and I have been praying for stability for me, for an end to the ups and downs. But you know, I don't think that's in God's plans for me. I'm pretty sure I'll always been on a roller coaster. That's what it is to be bipolar and I'll just have to accept that.

I've been wondering lately what is normal for me. What is the real me? The joyous person I was on Easter Sunday? Or is it the person I became last night when my mood dropped so significantly that my husband noticed it right away? I don't know whether there is a normal me.

A friend told me I'm being over-analytical, always trying to figure out where I'm at within myself. But I need to know so I can respond with plans for days that are healthy for me. So I can plan to do things to raise my low mood or things to level me off if my mood is too high. Psychiatrists tell their patients to keep mood charts. That requires that each day you analyze where you're at.

I do know that I need to start each day with God, asking for His help, asking for me to feel His presence, asking Him to help me live for Him, no matter what my mood. I need to cling to God as I cling to the handbars of a roller coaster as I ride. It helps me feel more secure, more confident, more safe.

...And I need to stop thinking too much but do more. Plan to accomplish a few things each day. Thinking too much just encourages the onset of depression. ...Or does depression encourage too much thinking? Hard to know which comes first.

It's all about finding a balance, isn't it?

The best kind of friend

The best kind of friend you can have is someone who will cry with you when you cry and celebrate with you when you're joyous. What amazing bonds can form when a friend is so sympathetic to where you are emotionally!

I have three friends like that now, and what a treasure they are! How grateful I am for them!

During my last bout of struggles, a friend from church prayed with me when I was going through a particularly hard time. She seemed to feel what I was feeling and thus knew exactly how to pray. When I turned so dramatically, she felt my joy too - because she too knew what that kind of joy was like. She was able to celebrate with me. How good it is when you're feeling overjoyed to have someone share with you in it! We need people to share our feelings with, don't we? The good stuff as well as the bad stuff. It's so good to be understood. And yet, so often we're not. Understanding people can be so hard to find, especially when we most need them.

How often haven't you felt alone with strong feelings - whether it be pain or joy - with no one available to share with? And how good it is to have someone you can call - someone who cares! I wish everyone could have friends like that at times like this. Someone to comfort them. Someone to remind them of God's love. Someone to pray with.

I'm glad for our Living Room ministry, because here, at least twice a month, people with emotional problems can share their pains and their joys. Here we are ready to hear and to be there for each other. We have a meeting coming up on Friday and I pray that we will be in sympathy with each other - whether that means to cry with each other or to celebrate joys. I know we will be.

Mood and reality

Hi everyone. Happy Easter Sunday to you.

I need to share that my mood has taken a very big turn from what I perceived to be the verge of depression to hypomania. Don't know whether I should go into all the details of how it happened. Suffice it to say I see it as situational. The result of a spiritual awakening of sorts. A renewal that came along with Easter and my realization of what it meant to have Jesus die a horrid death for us and then to live again. I feel forgiven for the things that had been making me feel ashamed, the things that had gotten me so down. And I'm feeling joyful - freed and more fully alive. I have greater energy and was more sociable at church than I have been (though I don't think overly so).

And now I'm wondering how my friends and husband perceive what is happening to me. Do they think I'm just a "nut case" going through another inexplicable phase? Or can they see that there is a true basis for these feelings? A true basis for these moods? A reality? A truth?

Am I seeing truth in a clearer way than the average person? I wonder. I kind of think so. The story of Christ's death and resurrection and what it means is clear as a bell to me right now. In fact, in a way I've lived it with Him in some mild form over the past while.

If I am seeing the reason that we have to have joy in Christ in a clearer way, would that not naturally make me have deeper feelings about it than what's average? More joyous and in other terms, hypomanic?

And yet I musn't let this mood run rampant. Just as I needed to fight the depression, I must now again focus on keeping things stable. I mustn't do things that increase this high. Hard to do when you have so much energy. I'll try not to do things that are too exciting.

Today I will go for a walk with my husband. I'll play a board game with him. And tonight hopefully visit a friend in hospital. I pray that I will be able to feel in sympathy with her and her frustrations with ongoing depression. I pray that I don't overwhelm her with my high mood. Maybe she will temper my high a bit and that would be good for me.

It's a battle

One of the Living Room facilitators emailed me with a comment - something I have been lax to accept but now realize there is a lot of truth in. In fact, it's something that should not be ignored. My pastor's wife pointed it out to me as well last Saturday. I'll quote some of what this facilitator said:

"When Jesus told us that if we have faith we can say to this mountain 'be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea' (Matthew 17:20) and don't doubt in our hearts, nothing will be impossible to us. We aren't told to pray to the Lord to have him remove the mountain. We speak to the mountain in his name. When a depression threatens to overtake me I don't ask the Lord to remove it. He's already given me the authority to get rid of it in his name. I refuse to receive depression and when I sense it looming, I rebuke it in Jesus' name. And if the depression persists, I persist more. If the depression doesn't lift right away, don't be discouraged. Keep rebuking it in Jesus' name. Keep praising Jesus and use your God-given capacity to get angry at that depression."

Last night and this morning I did that. I commanded the depression to leave me in Christ's name. And you know, my mind cleared and I found a new strength and confidence. And there was joy in that strength and confidence.

I'm not saying that depression is not a medical problems, but I'm saying that spiritually there's a lot we can do about it.

Now I'm going to go for a workout, something I can physically do for myself. Something else that will help clear those cobwebs. And because I've looked after my spiritual self, I am encouraged to get out there and move my body - to do all the things that are good for me. Maybe I'll even get creative. We need to look after our whole selves - and God made us into some pretty complicated beings.

God is so amazing and so good, isn't He?

Your Spirit leads me on

Hey, I'm leading a worship session! I have another great song I'd like to share, one of my favourites. Drink deep.

Power of Your Love

Lord I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I�ve found in You
Lord I�ve come to know
The weakenesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
By the power of Your love

~ chorus ~
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I�ll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day
By the power of Your love

(repeat chorus twice)

And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love
(repeat

You are my strength

The perfect song for my mood - and maybe yours as well?

Jesus, you are my strength when I am weak. You are my all in all. Thank you, God, for such beautiful songs that say so much.

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

It's a beautiful day here on the west coast. Sun shining, flowers blooming. Thank you, God.

Thank you God for forgiving

As you know, I've been dealing much with the effects of my disorder, the shame of sometimes saying or doing things I would not do if I were more balanced. But then, I guess everyone at some time or other does things they're not proud of. And yet...I feel I'm worse than those "everyones." Or is this an oncoming depression talking? Or am I being overly self-centered, thinking of me and my own concerns instead of the concerns of others? I'm sure if I were thinking of the needs of others I would not be worrying so much.

And yet the shame has been hard to deal with lately. I've had a hard time fully realizing that God forgives. I've had a hard time remembering that Jesus died on the cross for sins like mine. He took them all upon Himself and suffered an unimaginable death. I should be grateful! I should accept His forgiveness. I should thank Jesus! Why is it so hard to do that?

A couple of days ago I watched The Passion of the Christ, a gory depiction of all Jesus must have gone through. And I thought to myself, He did not have to do that. He did that out of obedience to His Father and out of His great love for us. What wonderfully great love!!!

Please God, help me to realize how much you love me and all of us, to have given up your Son to such a death, for our sakes. Help me to be thankful. Thank you, Jesus.

Surrendering to God

The question I'll ask at tomorrow at Living Room is "What does is mean to surrender to God?" What a wonderful topic to focus on right now! Don't know exactly how I landed on it, but it's certainly something I need myself. As usual, as I explore it and prepare I'm learning a lot. I'm encouraged to trust God more with my troubles. I'm encouraged to let God have control.

We will discuss how "[our] attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:5) We will discuss the three barriers that block our total surrender to God: fear, pride, and confusion.

1. Fear: Can you trust God? The more you realize how much God loves you the easier it is to surrender to Him.
2. Pride: Who is in control? The desire to have complete control is the cause of so much stress in our lives. We want to be God.
3. Fear and pride are the greatest barriers to knowing God. These often lead to:
Confusion: How can I know God?

Off and on lately I've felt ashamed of the way my disorder often makes me feel, think and act. I'm not really ashamed of having bipolar disorder as such, just what it does to me at times. And I realize what I need to do is to give these feelings to God. I need to trust that He loves me and that He is in control. I can use the way He made me if I live for His glory, giving all I am to Him.

And when I place my trust in Jesus I experience a sense of peace and freedom. I'm stronger to continue doing what I believe God made me to do.

A song on Youtube has been a real blessing to me. I share "I surrender all to Jesus" with you, hoping it will bless you as well.

How great God's love is!! He loves us no matter what we do or say.

Dealing with it

Recognizing that the up and down moods I'm experiencing are the result of anger and frustration helps, I think. There are things I can do about anger, things not as easy to do with depression.

I can talk about it with someone. I can resolve the source of the anger. I can give it to God and move on.

Over the past little while I've tried very hard to get closer to God. Not to put Living Room first, but put Him first. That's not so easy to do since I think at times my Living Room work becomes an obsession, something I'm not very proud of.

On Sunday Pastor Don had us reflect on a series of questions. The last ones I really needed to think about: What are you most devoted to? What is the last thing you'd give up to help someone in need? What do you organize your life around? Do you love that more than God?

That really made me think. And I realize these are questions I will have to keep asking myself, especially when I get so busy doing Living Room work. I definitely need to stay close to God if I'm to do this work. It's God's work, after all, and how will I know how to do it if I don't let God be part of it?

This morning I was looking in my Bible for something and came upon a very apt verse for me - Psalm 143:10:

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."

A good verse to hang onto today. May God's Spirit lead me on level ground.

As a deer

Nancie usually knows exactly what I need to hear. How she gives me healing words! How she encourages! She's such a blessing to me and to the many others whose lives she touches.

Not long ago Nancie sent me the song, As a Deer. So beautiful and it touched me and continues to touch me deeply. I've been meditating on Psalm 42, which forms the basis of the song. It gives me peace and healing.

A blessing.

Thank you, Nancie, for sharing.

Anger or depression?

A few days ago my counselor suggested that the mood problems I've been having - the apparent depressed episodes - might actually be anger. She may be right. There are lots of things bothering me and frustrating me now-a-days. But how do you tell the difference?

The very focus of my life's work, reducing stigma, is a frustrating problem. I know I will never win the war. And yet it is my hope that I will win some battles. It is my hope and prayer that at least a few will benefit and that a few more will learn and repent of the way they have been treating the topic of mental illness. It is my prayer that people will be educated and become more understanding and compassionate.

But yesterday the futility of my efforts came home to me by a comment a fellow writer made on my writing. In my article I had shown the importance of treating the whole person - physical, psychological, and spiritual. This person underlined "psychological" and wrote beside it "not scriptural."

Normally that wouldn't have hit me so hard. This person has written other things I should have been upset about but wasn't. But yesterday I also talked to a counselor in our writer's group who expressed how and why what I had undertaken was such a big job. And just hearing that overwhelmed me.

Now I have a general down mood. Call it depression, anger or frustration. Don't really know what it is. I just know I need a beer to settle me down. I know. Not good to self-medicate with alcohol. Yet I need to do "something" and I'm finding it hard to pray. Am I angry at God too? No, I don't think so. Just don't feel very close to Him at the moment.

And yet I need my God and long for Him.

Doing good

Big disappointment. We had to cancel the plans for a seminar because a couple of the speakers weren't able to make it on the date we had planned. And there's no other good time this year for me to devote to it. A trip in late May and possibly a heavy presentation I have to make in October. I felt dejected to know my efforts to educate had been thwarted. Next possible opportunity for a seminar is next year sometime.

But an email I had received from Nancie about someone newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder aroused fresh passion in me.

In Nancie's words, "He has encountered much condemnation and misjudgment from his precious churches and Christian friends. He is very discouraged but yet know how important it is for him to find a good and supportive church, and to walk closely with the Lord. He is putting his trust in the Lord and learning to depend more upon Him. He is now in the midst of looking for a good church where there will be brothers and sisters who can love him with Christ's unconditional love and enable him to grow together with them."

Being bipolar myself and realizing the importance of supportive Christian friends, I felt I had to do something. I decided I needed to write again. I realized I was ready to write again. To empty the frustrations about all that is wrong. To try and encourage Christians to have empathy and learn how they can be supportive. To build some understanding. Though I can't have a seminar, I CAN write.

So yesterday I spent most of the day writing. It felt good. The words flowed freely. I was fulfilling the purpose God had given me life for - to help people with mental illness. There's a good chance this will be published on a Christian website that draws 1000 hits a day. They've been asking me for material.

Today I see my counselor and I'm not sure if she'll be particularly happy with me. She has been trying to tell me to not think so much about always doing for other people. To "dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture." (Psalm 37:3) My husband has been trying to tell me the same thing. And a friend at church who heard about the cancellation of the seminar said to me, "Maybe you should just live for a while."

But Psalm 37 also says to "Trust in the Lord and DO GOOD". How can I simply dwell in the land when there are things wrong with it, things that God leads me to bring improvement to? Now that I have written I feel much more secure, fulfilled, satisfied that I have done my part, through God's help, to make the land a safe one to dwell in.

Further along in Psalm 37, verses 5 and 6 say:

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Yes, I want to commit my ways to God and let Him lead. And I'm so glad He led me in such a clear way in this writing. This article may do a lot more good than a seminar would. Maybe cancelling the seminar was not such a bad thing.

Trust and do good

Tonight I was once more overcome with regret for having bipolar disorder. I feel so bad for how it causes me to do things that I shouldn't do - my feelings, thoughts and actions not under control. I guess the main thing is how I lean so heavily on two or three people. Far too many emails. I imagine they must get quite tired of me. That makes me feel ashamed of myself.

As you know, I've been meditating on Psalm 37 for weeks now. And tonight I went to it again and found greater comfort there than usual.

Trust in the Lord and do good.

It's like a father telling his daughter, "Relax, don't worry, trust me. Do good and you'll be ok. Focus on doing good and don't worry about the rest."

Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

"Grow where you're planted and enjoy your life. You're safe in my care," says my Lord. And I realize that I need to focus on the good I can do and not on the blunders so much. Do my best. That's all I can do.

Please, God help me to feel the comfort of your love, no matter how bad my disorder. And help me share that love with others.

Living Room times - healing times

I'm healing. Feeling rather quiet and not carefree yet, but healing. This morning I talked to the person who I had hurt and his response to my apology was comforting. I knew he would forgive, yet I did need to talk to him personally and hear him say he would. I needed to hear we were okay.

Our Living Room meeting was such a blessing. God so very much there. The person giving the devotional spoke from his heart, asking the question, "What has your mood disorder taught you?" After a bit, I spoke from my heart, telling them all I had been through this week - how I couldn't live with what I had done. How badly I felt about what my bipolar depression had caused me to do. I opened my broken and contrite heart and poured everything out, comforted to know that there were compassionate souls there to listen.

And others spoke from the heart. We shared from the depths of our being. No fear of judgment. Full acceptance and love for each other. What a special meeting it was! And how the Holy Spirit worked in each of us, healing us!

Thank you, God, for Living Room.

I hate this disorder

I've come to a place where I haven't been before, at least I don't recollect having been here before. I hate having this disorder and lacking the control I would like to have over my feelings and subsequent behaviour. Last week I was hard on a person, blaming him for the depression I was feeling. But I shouldn't have had such depression over what had happened and I shouldn't have laid the blame on someone else for it.

Now I feel such shame for adding to this person's already stressful life. I'm just so very sorry. And I'm ashamed for having a disorder that makes me do things like this. I just pray that he'll forgive me. Even more than this I hope and pray his life will become easier and less stressful.

In my writings and all my work I encourage people not to feel ashamed of their bipolar disorder. I encourage them to look at it as just another illness, one they're not to be blamed for having. And yet today I feel ashamed. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to burden them with too much of me. I lean too heavily on two or three people and I regret that. And yet it isn't within my power to stop. I need their support. It's because of their support that I've been able to do as well as I have. Without these wonderful friends in my life there would be no Living Room.

I've had such a lot of attention as the founder of Living Room. People think so much of what I do. And yet without my supporters and their encouragement to always stay close to God, I would be nothing.

Just want to thank you, my friends, you know who you are, for all you've been to me. I want to thank you for how you've shown Christ's love to me. And I pray that I will find a way to burden you less, though I don't know if I can. I've tried before. I love you.

Church support

I'm now really getting into the planning of an afternoon seminar entitled, "Mental Illness and How Congregations Can Respond". Thing is - and this is an important thing - I first need to know I have a team in place to help me with it. If that doesn't happen in the next little while it will be very hard to pull this together for our projected date of May 15th. If I don't have a team, I will cancel the plans. I've wanted to have a workshop/seminar like this for years now. Even before Living Room was born.

At the seminar I - and hopefully we - will have someone give an overview of mental illnesses (what they are and how they're treated), have stories from people who live with a mental illness, and have speakers on how congregations can be supportive. I hope to include a psychiatrist, a pastor, a Living Room facilitator, and members of Living Room as speakers.

I've had my ups and downs lately - far too many - wondering if anyone was going to encourage this, wondering if God was really going to help make this happen. But today I'm feeling energetic, ready to get organized. I've had encouragement from a number of sources now.

Thing I'll have to try and maintain is keeping God close. Although busy, to remember to "dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture." To remember to take time to "rejoice in the Lord." (from my Psalm 37 meditations)

My husband and some others think I'm obsessed with Living Room work (have I told you that before?). But I think I'm okay. Don't you readers who live with bipolar disorder find it's part of the disorder to focus with zeal in what you believe strongly about? And isn't that how we get a lot done? Thing is, I'm not manic about all this stuff. I'm just humming along.

Submitting to God

It has been a long time since I wrote here but an email from Nancie reminded me how good blogging can be for me. And I do want to share some things.

I've been going through a lot of ups and downs, mostly brought about through plans I had for Living Room that I just haven't been able to bring about. Things standing in my way, though that's probably a good thing too. Maybe the timing was not as God would have wanted. Yet I've felt a lot of frustration and that brought me down.

My pastor, my husband, and friends have mentioned to me that maybe my identity is too wound up in Living Room. It has become as though I AM Living Room. It's hard to think of anything else. And yet isn't that what dedication means? I've dedicated my life to Living Room and to work for a better world for people with mental illness. It's what I live for. It's the work God gave me to do.

And yet, says one good friend, the thing I should value most is my relationship with God. That's what I should work on more than anything else. That should come first, before the work. I know she's right.

Over this past week I've had to learn to submit to God more than I have. To not get so frustrated if things don't go my way as quickly as I want them to. To "dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture," as David said in Psalm 37. I've meditated much on that Psalm over the past while and have come to a more restful place within myself.

Trouble with me is that I'm not good at resting. Psalm 23 is not my favourite. I don't like to be made to "lie down in green pastures." And yet, as my good friend tried to convince me when I was fighting so hard, "Remember to gaze on God's face." Not easy to do when you like to work hard and there's so much you see that needs to be done.

"Delight yourself in the Lord," says Psalm 37, "and he will give you the desires of your heart." I had forgotten how to delight in the Lord - so caught up in my own agenda. It's still not easy. I'm still struggling. Am off on another tangent now. But I'm praying that God will be with me in this work. That God will be in this work - through and through. And that I will never forget to pray and ask his Holy Spirit to guide me, one step at a time. Me following, not leading.

Cure or healing?

At Living Room on Friday we're going to discuss the difference between cure and healing. Jesus asked the blind Bartimeus, "What do you want?" "I want my sight," Bartimeus said to Him. And Jesus healed him.

There are so many stories like this in the Bible. On Friday I will ask the question, "What would you ask Jesus for if He asked you what you wanted?" "Would you ask for a cure for your mood disorder? Or would you ask for healing?" And what's the difference anyway?

Ezine Articles has a good piece about the difference between the two, written by Wil Langford.

Myself? I don't think I'd ask Jesus for a cure. Who I've become and the purpose I have found for my life is too much tied to my disorder. If I didn't have bipolar disorder God would not have given me the work I do. And I like the work I do. It's challenging. It's rewarding. Helping other people and trying to erase the stigma attached to mental illness is what my struggles have prepared me for.

Yes, I don't want a cure. But I do want healing. I want the peace of knowing that God is there for me in my struggles - especially my struggles with depression. I pray for strength and the ability to accept and deal with whatever difficulties might come along.

Isn't healing far better than a cure? When God heals us we become whole people. A cure isn't necessarily going to do that for us.

May God heal you, whatever problems you might be dealing with. May God bless you.

Focusing my energy

Hi everyone,

I'm back from my holiday in the sun and, although I had a wonderful time away, I'm glad to be back too so I can get to work again.

While away I had a lot of time to think, to read, and to journal. I came to the conclusion that I need to focus my energy on the things that are going to do the most good. And I need to delegate the things that sap my energy and that other people are just as capable of doing, like looking after the lunches for our Living Room meetings.

One thing I realized that I need to try to do more work on is encouraging a more accepting, more understanding church climate for people with mood disorders. That kind of climate will encourage new Living Room facilitators to come forward. I've been working on that all along with the articles and books I've written, but there's much more work to do. I can't let up.

I remembered a depression seminar I produced many years ago at a church I belonged to. It was a very successful all-day event that drew sixty people. Although that event was secular in nature, this time I'd like to do something specifically for Christians. Help them learn what depression is, what causes it, who is affected, how it is treated. Let them hear stories from people who have dealt with it. Form small discussion groups for people who live with depression and for those who are supporters. We could include a break-out session specifically for pastors and church leaders, because I would try my hardest to draw those to the seminar as well.

This is my dream right now - to organize such a seminar. I'd publicize it widely and try for a big attendance. More than sixty this time. More like a hundred...or more than that even?

Yes, I'm ready to get to work again, praying that my church leadership will give their blessings to my idea. Praying I can get some people to help me make it happen.

No Bible study allowed

I want to let you know that I'm going away for a holiday in the sun, starting tomorrow and will be back in ten days. It will be good to have lots of time to relax and read...and maybe even write.

But before I go I want to talk to you about an interesting but unfortunate thing that happened.

A friend of mine is in hospital for depression and yesterday one of the patients got together about four other patients who wanted to do some Bible study together. A very neat thing, don't you think?

They had a fine time, reading and discussing the Sermon on the Mount. But after a while a nurse came and told them to break it up. Patients were not allowed to have gatherings like this.

Why is not known for sure. I do know that some psychiatrists feel that as soon as a patient mentions God it's an indication of illness. True, some mental patients have problems with being overly spiritual to the point of losing touch with reality and becoming psychotic. However, these doctors might not be aware of the great benefit faith has to a patient's mental state. They become overly paranoid as soon as he/she starts talking about spiritual things.

Fortunately some medical schools are now teaching courses on spirituality and its benefits to patients. Such a good thing!

If psychiatrists could only appreciate the great good faith can do! My faith in God has meant everything to me. It has made me what I am. It has given me the courage to do what I do. It helps me stay well. Faith does so much good!

Seems to me there are two parties who need to grow in understanding: Psychiatrists need to learn about spiritual things. And Christians need to learn about medical things. They need to come together and learn from each other.

It would be so good for those patients to have an opportunity to read the Bible together. They could support each other spiritually and get well sooner. I really believe that. Such a shame!

In all honesty

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't posted for so long. Unfortunately, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to post - increasingly difficult to be absolutely honest about the stuff I'm dealing with. Instead, I journal and email my closest friends.

Thing is, when you're in leadership and when you're trying to be there for people, you just don't want everyone to know the truth about everything, especially when you're struggling.

I'm not doing badly right now but, in true bipolar fashion, there have been times and there are times...

I was looking at the bipolarireland website the other day and read the perfect description of what I go through. "Over the life of a person who lives with bipolar disorder, the illness expresses itself in an irregular pattern of changes of mood, energy and thinking." So true! And how irregular my changes of mood, energy and thinking have been lately - from day to day!

Good thing I have a lot more than just myself to think about. Good thing I have a worthwhile purpose to live for. Good thing I have a lot of people to support me and pray for me in the work I do. Good thing I'm trusting God, most of the time...or do I do enough of that?

Actually all too often I start thinking everything's up to me alone and I forget that it's God doing the work and I just have to follow along. How comforting when God brings me back, when I remember that I can relax - when I don't need to be as stressed.

Often lately I've felt overwhelmed, which is actually - I think - just a symptom of depression. There's my own Living Room group to look after. And then there's the greater Living Room movement, a movement that is growing. Exciting, eh? And yet it's a huge responsibility, especially for someone dealing with such fluctuations in "mood, energy, and thinking." If only I had only one of those responsibilities to deal with - the group or the movement - life would be easier to manage. Or would it?

I love my group. I love leading devotional times. I love being there for individuals as they go through struggles. The relationships I develop are priceless. And God is very much in those relationships. I feel His presence in the love I share with those people. I could never give up my group or its people.

And I'm committed to seeing more Living Room groups spring up. I want to see lots of Living Rooms to serve people who need faith-based support. I want to see this movement securely in place to continue long after I'm gone. Because it's a valuable ministry, a ministry that all Christians with mood disorders should have access to. A place where they can talk about both, their faith and mental health issues - probably the only place where they can feel safe doing so. I could never give up planting new Living Rooms.

Ah, it's felt good talking to you. It's felt good being honest with you. Please don't feel sorry for me. I lead a rich life. I'm hugely blessed. Just need a bit of prayer now and again. And doesn't everyone?

Discovering God's will for us

My pastor Don Dyck's sermon yesterday was on a topic I find such an important and interesting one to think about. It's a topic I see many people struggling with, including people in my Living Room group. How do we know what God's will is? How do we know what God wants us to do? And what did God make us to do? If God wants us to do His will why does He make it so hard to figure out? Why isn't it more clear?

Pastor Don quoted several Bible passage that talk about what God's will for us is:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. 1 Peter 2:13-15

Be very careful then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Ephesians 5:15-17

All these describe ways God wants us to live our lives. Pastor Don said that before anything else, we have to get this part right.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humby with your God. Micah 6:8

Don's notes read: "God's will is discerned within the context of an everyday relationship that grows out of a commitment to live according to His ways." It's all about walking closely with God! In Don's words, "The greater the distance from God, the greater the difficulty in discerning His will for us. We won't fully know in advance what God's will for us is, but if we walk step by step with God, He will reveal His will. You will know the right thing to do."

Yes! God will reveal His will for you, bit by bit. And when you stay close to Him, He will take you on an adventure!

A reason to live

You know, I've just been thinking. I feel at my best when I'm doing things for other people. When I'm living for something more than just myself. When I'm feeding into other people's lives.

And isn't that the answer for all of us who have trouble finding a reason to live? Isn't that the best place to find a purpose for our lives?

Yesterday I started feeling somewhat down. I felt a need for something meaningful to do. So I put together that awful picture of the cross and the scrunched up woman (see yesterday's post). It didn't feel good. But later, when I posted something that I knew would lift up my readers' spirits, I felt so much better.

Today I want to get together with a friend who's feeling down. Although I care about how she feels and am sad for her, at the same time I now have a very clear thing I need to do this day. It's helping someone, and that gives meaning to my life. It gives me a purpose for the day. It helps me stop thinking about myself and about my own needs.

Where do you find purpose for your life? What gives your life most meaning?

Just sharing

Good morning everyone. I woke up this morning just wishing to share another picture. This one was taken in the Chilcotin area of British Columbia. Aspen trees in fall, with the colourful aspen leaves at the base. Almost look like flowers, eh?

Hope you'll have a great day.

This is better

I hope my last picture didn't depress you too much. Just can't let that stand on its own. Here's a happier one.

Trying to be creative

MerelyMe, the writer of a blog on Health Central started a discussion today about creativity. I read it just after I had woken up from a nap, feeling very much called to do something creative. Writing some reflections. Playing with photographs. The writing did not come today, but the photography did.

This photo does not at all describe the way I feel or the way I've been feeling lately. It's a composite of two pictures I took many years ago when life was a lot harder and darker for me. I'd like to write something to go with it, but don't know if I should. Shouldn't we write something that reflects a feeling we have in the here and now? Wouldn't that be more honest than dredging out thoughts and feelings I used to have that are no longer part of my truth?

Or would this speak to others who may be in this place? Would it be of value to them?

Anyway, putting this together was an exercise. Perhaps it will fuel more honest expression, expressions that show where I am today.

Hope this doesn't depress you.

Sweet, sweet memories

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, ready to celebrate the coming of the New Year. I've been wanting to blog. Thought of it many times, but something always kept me from doing so. Laziness perhaps?

What I've been wanting to tell you is that the drastically untraditional Christmas I cooked, the one I was so worried about, though I kept telling myself I wasn't worried, had rave reviews. My daughter-in-law, a cook extraordinaire, award-winning food blogger and writer for the Food Network, even praised it up and down. How good I felt! How happily we feasted! And the wine, a BC Pinot Noir from Mission Hill was perfect.

Tonight we heated up and finished off the last of the sweet potatoes. That dish was so delicious I'd like to share the recipe with you. I based it on a recipe I found on epicurious.com but made so many changes to it I can honestly call it my recipe. The neat thing about it is all the spices: cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger, which I used liberally. Now the quantities are approximate, since I didn't measure carefully at all.

Marja's Sweet Potatoes

4 pounds red-skinned sweet potatoes (yams) peeled, cut into 1-inch pieces
ca 1/2 cup packed golden brown sugar
5 tbsp margarine
ca 3/4 cup orange juice
1 slightly rounded tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
ca 1/2 tsp nutmeg
ca 1/2 tsp ground ginger

Arrange potatoes in a 9 x 13 glass baking dish. Combine sugar, margarine, orange juice salt, and spices in a small heavy saucepan and bring to boil over medium heat. Boil, stirring until sugar dissolves. Pour over potatoes; toss to coat. Cover dish tightly with foil and bake for 50 minutes in a 375 degree oven. Uncover and bake until potatoes are tender and syrup has thickened slightly, basting occasionally - about another 15 or 20 minutes.

This is excellent with ham - for your Easter dinner perhaps?

The most important thing

You know, the older I get the less I worry about the foods I serve. The less I worry about everything turning out perfectly. I just do my best.

I wonder about how my meal is going to turn out tomorrow. How's all that sweet stuff going to go down? I wonder if my daughter-in-law, the gourmet cook and prize-winning food blogger, is going to laugh along with me if it doesn't all turn out as it should....if it's just far too much sweet stuff.

Actually, I do sound a bit worried, don't I? But not a nervous kind of worry. All will be fine.

The older I get, the more I look forward to the company and not the meal. The togetherness. The sharing. The enjoyment of time around the table, whatever the food.

Just some thoughts as I prepare all I can before tomorrow comes.

Have a happy Christmas day everyone.

A sweet christmas dinner

I'm doing something outrageously different this Christmas. I've decided to have spare ribs insteady of our traditional turkey dinner. Somehow cooking turkey, brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes, and all those things I've always done seemed awfully boring to me. Time for a change. Time for something more colourful.

I will make the spare ribs in the slowcooker. Have it going all day, making the house smell wonderful. Along with the meat I'm planning to serve rice, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, a broccoli salad, copper pennies (sweet sliced carrots) and pineapple. All sweet stuff, except for garlicky bread sticks made from a pane di casa baguette.
For dessert we're having cheese cake, cream puffs, Christmas cookies, and chocolates.

Good thing none of us is diabetic!

Neat thing about this menu is that much of it can be done ahead. I won't have too much cooking to do on the actual day. I can relax and enjoy.

What are you having this Christmas that's different than the traditional?

Radio interview tonight

I should have posted this earlier, but if you read this before 7pm PST tonight, please listen in when I'm interviewed on CJSF radio. You can get it online at http://cjsf.ca live. Or check it out later. The website has links to previously aired broadcasts. This program is Sound Therapy, the December 21st edition.

I'm doing well. Busy enough but not too busy. Just plain enjoying the Season. Hope you're doing the same.

(Sorry. I tried to insert a link but it ain't working.)

Christmas peace

This year's Christmas time is so much better for me than the last several years have been. I'm so grateful. I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

You know, I think what's really helping is the gift my husband gave me last year. Not an ordinary kind of gift at all. He gave me permission not to celebrate Christmas.

I had been doing so poorly, struggling so much with depression, a depression that had started a couple of months before the Advent season. I was truly a mess. Out of concern my husband said to me: "Marja, we don't have to do Christmas this year. We won't send out cards, we won't decorate, you don't have to bake. All we'll do is buy a few gifts for our son and his wife and for your mom." It was such a release to hear him say that. To think I could just forget about all the stress and busyness.

The interesting thing that happened was that within days I started to want to do Christmassy things. We didn't do cards and we didn't put lights on the house. But I did bake a few of my favourite cookies. And we had a tree and decorated the house. I was free to do as I wished.

Then, lo and behold, I decided to make calendars for my friends, using my photographs and bits and pieces from the Psalms. Immersing myself in this creative effort gave me comfort. It took away stressful feelings, making me forget about everything else. I found refuge in the work and I ended up with some very creative gifts for a dozen friends.

I think one of the things that makes Christmas so hard is the expectations we have of ourselves and expectations we believe others have of us. It's that long series of "have to's" that make the season so stressful. Celebration needs to come from a heart that "wants to" celebrate. How else can we truly, with a happy heart, celebrate.

Christmas is a holy time. It's a time to worship. It's a time to love. It's a time to draw close to God and to each other. I'm finding myself wanting more quiet times than ever this year. And those quiet times interspersed between the busy times make the celebration even more enjoyable.

This year I'm enjoying every little thing. I'm busy, but not too busy. I'm taking the days one at a time, with some work and time with friends, and some quiet time to journal and pray, listen to music, or watch a Christmas movie on TV.

I pray that you, too, are able to celebrate the Advent season with a heart that is joyful and at peace. Try not to think about what you have to do, but what you want to do.

Last blooms

I love the look of frost on flowers - on any kind of vegetation actually. These are the last flowers in our garden. The last bit of colour, except for the hollyberries on the holly tree. Winter is really here. It's cold and there's talk of snow in the forecast.

Although most photographers would frown on photographing such poor, half-dead specimens I find a kind of truth there that we shouldn't overlook. Why are people so afraid of focusing on the dying? There's a beauty there. It gives expression to something all of us go through. And if a picture like this expresses something real, something we go through occasionally, then it's just as important to photograph as perfection. I believe in the candid, the authentic, truth. I want real.

If you read my comments on my last post, you will already know that the conference was a wonderful success for me. I met many people, made many good connections, even doing a radio interview with a university radio broadcaster. This was definitely a good place for me - and for Living Room - to be.

I said to my pastor today, "I guess I had nothing to worry about, eh?" But on thinking about that, I wonder if I would have prayed as earnestly as I did if I hadn't been worried about it. The worrying helped me to prepare in every way I could.

I thank God for being with me, for giving me the confidence I had prayed for. I thank him for the oodles of support I received. The oodles of prayer.

Now it's time to focus on Christmas. So good to be feeling well this year. The past two or three years were very difficult for me at Christmas time. This year is different. I've had a few problems in the past few weeks, but I think they were probably situational - stress related to the conference and my husband being away. Now there's nothing holding me back from enjoying the season...as long as I take life one day at a time.

Staying balanced

I've been doing ok over the past couple of days. In fact, yesterday was wonderful. Living Room turned out so great, it left me feeling hugely blessed and at peace. I felt so good I didn't feel like going to bed till late Just wanted to continue experiencing the good feelings.

And tomorrow, the Into the Light conference. Every time I think of it I get butterflies. It will be such a big deal and I feel like such a very small person. But I don't feel the gross anxiety I did a while ago. I've come to terms and I'm now hoping to meet lots of people, people who might be interested to hear about Living Room.

Sunday morning will start with a 7:30 breakfast for consumers taking part in a consultation meeting with the Mental Health Commission of Canada. I've already met some of the people who will be there through email. Another person who I know will be there is someone who left a beautiful comment on one of my articles. It will be neat to meet her in person.

Can you believe, one of my biggest sources of anxiety - though it will sound to you like a small thing - is getting my three 24" x 36" posters up on the board. They're so curled and I think it might be a struggle. If I had someone with me to help it wouldn't be so bad, but I'll be on my own. I'll have to look for a friendly face and ask for help. One way to meet people, eh?

One person who would be amazingly wonderful to talk to if I only could, would be the Honourable Michael Kirby, the chair of the Commission, a huge fighter for the reduction of stigma. He will be there throughout. Might that be possible? Probably not, but I can dream; I can hope. One thing I know: I need to let as many people know about Living Room as I can. I need to highlight the importance of spirituality to mental health and what that means in the Christian realm.

I sound ok, don't I? Pretty solidly balanced, eh? Thank God.

Walking a tightrope

My moods continue to go up and down. And when I feel ok, it's as though I'm walking a tightrope, trying to maintain my balance so I don't fall one way or another.

Amazing how many symptoms there are to watch out for. And each time one of those symptoms shows itself, I have to put a different coping mechanism into place, read a different psalm, pray a different prayer.

There are the lonely feelings, the poor eating, overwhelmed feelings where I can't see how I can possibly manage doing the many things I need to do, unable to organize a list. Little things seem like big things. I've even had moments thinking I couldn't go on. Thank God those moments have been brief ones.

Not having my husband home makes all this more difficult. I'm not into a good routine, eat at odd times or don't eat at all. Eat weird stuff, not the kind of meals I'd have if he were home.

Being alone for such long periods makes it easy to sit for long uninterrupted periods in thought, unaware that I'm doing it. This thinking has often signalled problems for me. When it happens I need to remember Rudyard Kipling's line in his poem If. "If you can think but don't make thoughts your aim." When that line comes to mind I make the effort to "do" something. So important to stay active. The more I sit in thought, the more likely I'm going to get drawn down into depression. I wouldn't call myself depressed right now, but I am doing battle with it...in many ways. The Psalms are a good companion right now. Psalm 18, 91, and 40 have been very meaningful to me in the past while.

I'm preparing for Living Room on Friday. Also preparing for the Into the Light: Transforming Mental Health in Canada conference coming up this Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Living Room will have a poster presentation to make there. I'll have an opportunity to interact with conference attendees and tell them about it.

I will have to walk my tightrope well. Do all the right things. Stay well.

Freed

I'm feeling remarkably better. And I know it's mostly due to the prayer I started praying a couple of days ago. I realized I had been trying to rid myself of my depression by my own power. Totally forgot that I couldn't do it on my own. I needed God's help.

Now I know it could easily come back. And maybe this is just one good day I'm having. And yet...next time I'll know what to ask God for, if I'll only remember to trust Him. I need to stay close to God daily.

Please don't think though that this means you can do away with the meds your doctor prescribed. Don't think it means you don't have to do all the other good stuff you need to do to keep you well, like exercising, getting plenty of rest, eating well, staying active, spending time with friends. You'll need ALL those things. We need to treat our whole selves: the physical, mental, spiritual.

And about that prayer: I wrote it in my last post but I have to say I'm embarrassed about it now. I've rewritten it and prepared copies with the picture of the sunflower for my Living Room crew. A cute little presentation. I rewrite it here, hoping that it will help you too, next time you're feeling dark and unable to free yourself from it.

BEDROCK UNDER MY FEET

I love you, Lord – you make me strong.
You are bedrock under my feet.
I know you are with me.
I know you can free me from the dark that keeps me captive.
Help me to let it go.
Help me to trust in your ability to loosen the chains.

I trust you and place myself in your hands.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for making me strong.

Yeah, I'm strong!
Through you, I'm strong.

Bedrock beneath my feet

I'm getting along not too badly. Hard to stay active though. I prefer to sit and think. To meditate. Or would you call this ruminating?

Yesterday I emailed a friend telling her how I see things piling up around me that need to be done. And it makes me feel butterfly anxious, knowing I don't have the motivation to do very much about it. I felt like I was enslaved, in chains, struggling to free myself. And when I wrote that, I realized that this was a big part of the problem. I'm trying to do free myself when I should be trusting that God can help me do that. It's wrong to think I can do this on my own.

I turned to Psalm 18 which has encouraged me to lean on God in the past. My favourite version of the first two verses comes from the Message:

I love you, God-you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet.

And I prayed:

Thank you, Lord. I know you are with me. I know you can free me from this depression. Please help me to let it go-to trust in your ability to loosen the chains.
I trust you and place myself in your hands.
Thank you for your love and thank you for making me strong.
Yeah, I'm strong! Through you I'm strong.

Today I had a fine breakfast with a favourite friend. Now I'm getting the house into shape. And I'm writing to you, my blogger pals, and that is good. Tomorrow I'll pick up a friend who has been in hospital for awhile to accompany her on a six hour pass. Church will be part of it. It will be a fine day.

Things are looking up. And I know God is with me, making me strong. He is bedrock beneath my feet.

(Originally I wrote this post without the photograph. But I added it because to me it suggests prayer - an intimacy with God.)

When we see things dimly

I've been reading Wayne Cordeiro's book, Leading on Empty: Refilling your tank and renewing your passion, and am finding it very helpful for what I'm going through right now.

Cordeiro says, "When we see things dimly, we invite depression, which can be defined as a perceived inability to reconstruct your future." When we're hit with depression we need to remind ourselves of what God called us to do in the first place. If we can focus on that, we can start rebuilding.

But what comes first: the depression and anxiety or the lack of focus? Or do the two come about simultaneously? Hard to say.

I do know that what triggered my present battle was a number of things, all of them causing anxious thoughts which led to depression. I have been seeing the work God gave me to do "dimly." Having a hard time focusing. I'm trying very hard to re-focus though, spending much time in prayer.

It's all about remembering what God gave me to do and why I'm doing it, isn't it? It's all about believing in it. I've made a list of my priorities and am meditating on them often. And I think my prayers are starting to help. Focussing on my calling is helping with the depression. It's helping me think more positively.

Cordeiro talks about Paul's trials with storms and snakebites. Yet he never forgot his divine commission to witness in Rome, as he had witnessed in Jerusalem. This gave him the confidence to withstand anything. I want to be like Paul.

The Psalms as support

I'm not feeling very good at all. In a downward spiral again, though I have level times as well. But being alone, my husband away, doesn't help. A friend suggested I find some Scripture to help me. I turned to the Psalms. Had a bit of trouble finding something I could really latch onto that I found helpful, but eventually did find Psalm 6.

Peer support is such a blessing. To hear people talk about their struggles with depressed thoughts and feeling and to realize you're not the only person to feel that way gives comfort. That must be why the Psalms are such a comfort during hard times. To read King David's words expressing his emotional pain is as good as an antidepressant, especially when he ends with praises to God. He helps me remember that God hears me and that He loves me.

O Lord, do not rebuke me in anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long?
Turn, O Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

and then:

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.

Psalm 6:1-4 and 9.

In defence of complaining

A couple of days ago a friend sent me photographs comparing how good most of us have it with how bad things are for some people. There was a picture of a plump, well-fed baby next to a picture of a starving baby, all skin and bones. Another picture showed a pair of Adidas shoes next to a pair of feet wearing sandles made from recycled plastic bottles. Yet another showed a child in a warm, cozy bed with lots of covers next to a picture of a child sleeping on a mat on the floor without even clothes to cover his body.

The purpose was to show how little we really have to complain about. We shouldn't be complaining.

It made me think of my friends living with depression, and how their complaints are often disapproved of. It made me think of the complaining I do when I'm in emotional distress. Should I be feeling bad about myself for expressing my pain?

It made me think of a friend who is right now in hospital because she found it so hard to live in the world, having to put on a face, having to act as though well, though she was suffering so much inside. I wish she'd feel that when she's with me she doesn't need to act. I wish she'd feel that she can be real with me. I wish she'd feel she can complain, to share what she's feeling if it would make her feel better.

Feelings and emotions run deep. We don't know how to show a person's emotional anguish in photographs. If we could, then perhaps we would compare this anguish with a healthy, happy mind, and see how huge the gulf in between is....and we would be moved to compassion by such an image in the same way we are moved to compassion when we see an image of a starving child. Because deep depression is extremely painful, painful enough to cause death (by suicide), as starvation can cause death.

Trouble is, emotional pain is a pain we can't see or imagine if we haven't been there. So then people slough it off as complaining over nothing. "Look at all you have" or "look how fortunate you are" doesn't cut it with a person in emotional crisis.

People with emotional pain "need to" share it with the friends who love them. They need our understanding and compassion. People in crisis find relief by sharing with someone who has understanding and compassion. They need to have a chance to talk, to let it all out. If they don't, the feelings will fester within and grow worse.

I guess that's what makes Living Room so valuable. It's a place where we have a chance to talk. A chance to "complain" where we will be understood and accepted.

Anxiety, depression, and prayer

My second post of the day. But I thought I needed to pass this along because it's important.

My friend asked me this morning whether I've prayed over my anxieties, all the stuff that seems to be triggering the threat of depression right now. And I realized that I hadn't prayed. Hadn't even thought of praying. Pretty bad.

She pointed out Psalm 37: 3-5 in particular, especially good in the Amplified version:

"Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and the secret petitions of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]: trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass."

Reading that did me a lot of good. And yes, I need to take that to heart. I need to pray.

This morning I used the SAD lamp. It left me a bit "light" headed. So bright! Don't know which helped more, the lamp or the Bible verses and prayer. Methinks I should use both. In any case, I feel better today.

And, thank God, just heard this minute from another person, second within a week, wanting to start a Living Room group. Praise God!!

And that's what my work is all about, isn't it? Helping people receive faith-based support for their problems with mood disorder. Why worry about petty things? I have God on my side and He will care for my needs.

SAD?

I'm starting to wonder whether I might not be having trouble with seasonal affective disorder. My depressions over the last few years have always started in October or November, the beginning of the dark winter season. And over the last little while, with the dark wet days here in Vancouver, I've felt myself dipping again. I've had to struggle to stay up.

Yes, there have been some triggers. My husband off on a trip this Friday, planning to be gone 21/2 weeks. Uncertainties surrounding the funding for the conference, wondering if I'm going to have to go alone, with no one to be there as support. Hearing that the friend I talk to almost daily will be going away for three months, starting in February.

But, somehow, when I imagine how it would be to be able to sit in my muskoka chair in the warm bright sun, I tend to think that I wouldn't be affected in this way. I think I'd be able to better withstand these triggers. I think I'll start using the SAD lamp we have. See if that will help me.

My counselor told me that the trip we're planning for May is not soon enough for a holiday for me. When I told my husband that, he thought that perhaps we could afford a week's holiday somewhere warm and sunny in January. Wow! Just the thought of it makes me feel better. I can imagine myself sitting on a beach or by a pool with a good book. How good that would be!

Yes, I'll try the lamp.

Living room at conference

An exciting thing is happening for Living Room at the end of the month. We have been accepted to present a 4'x8' poster at the Into the Light: Transforming Mental Health in Canada conference at the Hotel Vancouver. This is a national conference put on by the Mental Health Commission of Canada, Vancouver Coastal Health, and Simon Fraser University.

This is exciting because it will be our first opportunity to showcase what we do in a mainstream national conference. An opportunity to highlight the importance of faith to mental well-being. An important opportunity to show what churches have it in their power to do, if they only would.

At certain times during the event I will be expected to be at the poster to interact with the attendees. I will, of course, have brochures with me to hand out, as well as manuals available for sale to those who are interested.

Over the last little while I've been designing three 24"x36" poster which will hang on the board. It has been a fun process. In doing it I had to learn to use Microsoft Publisher. Neat to see what I have the "power" to do using this program.

This creative work has helped me escape the dip in my mood that was threatening after the excitement of the open house was all over. Creative projects always do that for me. Good medicine.

I've posted the three posters here for you to have a look at, though I may still fine-tune them a bit. But I can't wait to share.

Help needed

A couple of days ago I received an email from someone with a problem that is so common. It hurt me to read it:

"I am a Christian, but I feel so very alone in my battles and struggles. I know I shouldn't, but I feel ashamed and embarrassed to ask for prayer related to my disorder. I guess I still don't want to "admit" I have it (bipolar disorder). In addition, I feel like a failure with regards to my career outside the home. Heck, I feel like a failure with being a stay-at-home mom and wife much of the time! I could go on and on, but what I really want to ask is what resources or support groups might be available to me that take into account that I have bipolar but I am also a follower of Christ? I need His strength, but I also yearn for the support of those who hold the same worldview/belief system."

So many Christians have this need. A need for support from fellow believers, yet afraid to tell them about their struggles with a mental disorder. Afraid that they're going to be thought of as a bad Christian. Afraid of being judged and rejected.

My heart goes out to this lady. If only there could be more Living Room groups for people like her. We need Living Room groups everywhere. And I pray to God that word of it will spread and that many more groups will be established. And I pray that the stigma within the church will be reduced. Please, God, help this happen.

If you live in or near Minneapolis, have a faith in Jesus Christ, and have bipolar disorder could you let me know? Or if you know of a faith-based support group in that area, please let me know so I can pass the information on to this lady. Please email me at marja@livingroomsupport.org. It would be so good to get such support for her.

If you want to read more about Living Room check this article which was published recently about faith-based mood disorder support. Does this inspire you? Is God calling you to get involved too?

Feeling better

I'm feeling more normal today. Not so tired. More stable, even though somewhat at loose ends. Maybe all this fear I felt was for naught.

I can see, though, that I need to have something else now to focus on, something else besides Living Room. I've done such a lot of photography lately, and feel a need to let that rest for awhile. Maybe I will try to do some drawing again.

Although I had a meeting that took up the whole morning, the afternoon lacked a defined purpose. And that tends to be how it is now, no longer having that big purposeful creative focus of the photography and the open house to prepare for.

I've started reading Leading on Empty by Wayne Cordeiro. Just the book I need to help me learn how to prevent burnout and help me deal with my too-much-of-everything life. I so need to build balance into my life and not overdo. And over the past little while I know I've been over-doing. Thus the threat of a crash.

I know many of you have been praying for me and I thank you for that.

Can you blame me?

I've been worried about myself. Scared. And I'm trying to deal with this fear, because I know it doesn't accomplish anything. In fact, it will make things worse.

I've been worried that depression is round the corner for me again. And can you blame me? When I think of what I went through last year - six months of it! And when I see what some of my Living Room friends are going through...It's a scary thing and, with my disorder, is bound to return over and over again.

I pray to God that he will help me through this time of exhaustion and keep me afloat. I pray that he will help me trust in him, that he will help me remember that he is there and I don't need to fear. Trust. Please, God, let me trust.

Depression: so real, yet so unfathomable when you're doing well. So unfathomable to people who've never experienced it. Yet such a horrendously awful thing.

I place myself in your hands God. To keep and to do your will. Able to do your will.

Weary and empty

I feel that I've poured myself out in every which way I could over the past while. I've poured myself into creating photographic items, poured myself into Living Room, poured myself into the support of people in trouble, poured myself and everything I had into the showing of my work and the party. I've had two sleeps since the party and I still feel tired. Worn out.

I can see that I'm going to have to work at not crashing. This morning I did not feel I could do anything, other than the laundry. Then I caught myself just sitting and thinking, about nothing much in particular. It was a dangerous place to be. If I let that happen for too long I might very well find myself caught in depression. It has happened many times like that before.

So I decided to go to Curves for a workout. It took some doing to get me out the door, but eventually I did go. It did me a world of good.

In the afternoon I had a couple of appointments and in the evening I visited a friend in hospital. I got through the day fine.

I think I'll try to get to Curves every day for the next while until I've passed the danger point.

Some exciting news is that Living Room is going to have a 4 foot high 8 foot wide poster at the Into the Light: Transforming Mental Health in Canada conference at the end of November. We will have a chance to interact with conference attendees and tell them about Living Room.

I'm awaiting delivery of a book I very much need to read right now: Leading on Empty by Wayne Cordero. I'm ready for a good serious read right about now. Actually, it's about renewing your passion. I don't think I've lost that, yet it would be a good read, I'm sure.

This is the day...

Just killing some time before it's time to go to church. Just trying to relax a bit. I spent the morning doing as much as I could to get ready for the open house. I'll do the very very last minute stuff when I get home from church. My friend will be coming to help with the final set-up: slicing the cheese and sausage, making the punch, putting the coffee on, etc.

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

This is the day I've been preparing for during the last couple of months and now it's here. I'm very excited, even a bit nervous, though I shouldn't be. I'm getting lots of support. One friend greeting, two friends making sure the table stays supplied with food, and my husband his friend looking after the cash. I'll be free to float around, talking to people, introducing people.

I pray everyone who comes will sense God's presence. I pray that they will feel welcome and want to stay for awhile to visit. And I pray that I will sell lots of stuff, that we will have lots to donate to our church's Connections Coffee House. It will be such fun to see how people respond to the pictures I've been working on.

One thing I thought about: Here is something I'm doing that is in no way connected to mental health work. So many people at church think of me only in that way. They think of what I do with Living Room. Now they will see another side of me.

The eleventh hour

Well, the open house is almost upon me. Today I will do all the last minute things. The last minute shopping. Setting up all the stuff I'm selling. I'd like to do as much as possible so I'll be able to go to church tomorrow. No reason I can't, I figure.

This has been a busy week, with lots of mental health work to do: a heavy Living Room session yesterday (though a good one too). A friend ending up in hospital. Lots of time spent in support of people.

So good to have this happy occasion on Sunday to balance things out. Even though it too is stressful and a very lot of work, it's all good stuff.

I'm coming to see that we can deal with quite a bit of stress, as long as there's a balance between good stress and bad stress. They tend to cancel each other out. Don't you think?

Preparing

Very early in the morning for me to write a post. But when you're moved to do it, you must move, mustn't you? Don't hesitate. Just do.

My house smells like Christmas, the wonderful aroma of cinnamon, cloves, and allspice, all mixed together. I made my speculaas last night, a Dutch Christmas cookie that I always make at Christmas time. I'm getting in the mood early. My open house is definitely going to be the pre-Christmassy party I wanted it to be. A few days ago I made shortbread cookies, another one of my Christmas traditions.

This morning my thoughts have been turning, as they have quite often lately, to what I'm going to do after this open house. Yes, I've got Living Room work to do. But what am I going to do that's creative? What am I going to do to balance my life so I'm not just doing mental health work?

I've also been thinking of how I will make Christmas the happy experience it should be. How am I going to avoid depression this year? And the answer I've come up with is that I need to think creatively about what I can give. What can I do to give to others to make their life better? If I can stop thinking about what Christmas will do to me and think of it as an opportunity to creatively give in some way, I think it will be more than bearable. In fact, I will love it.

My prayers have been full this morning of requests to God to lead me into a creatively lived Christmas season - a wanting to do good things, not feeling I have to live up to certain standards. A looking forward to...not a dreading. I'm grateful for the good mood I have now and pray that it will continue. And prayer does help, doesn't it?

Apologies

No, I didn't fall off the end of the earth. I'm here, just my emails weren't getting to me.

I'm sorry to everyone who left a comment going as far back as last Tuesday. I just discovered the emails to my blogger account were not coming in. Don't know how it happened. Something got shifted along the way.

The root of sin

Our guest speaker at church today was David Collins. He talked about the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah, pointing out that the sins they committed were symptoms, they're not the root of it. At the root was something else. Quoting Ezekiel 16:49:

"Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughthers were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things."

It was the arrogance and lack of compassion that was at the basis of it all. That was the sin. And we've all committed the identical root sin.

It happens when we think we're better than others or that we deserve more than others. It happens when we're angry at a person and not their behaviour. When we are, David Collins said, we're actually thinking that we're better than them.

The story he used to illustrate these points was the story of the prostitute who wept at Jesus' feet and wiped them with her hair and kissed them, then poured perfume on them. Jesus was at the home of Simon, one of the Pharisees, when she did so. The Pharisee was disgusted, after all, this was a sinful, lowly prostitute. But Jesus said to him:

"Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

All this made me think once more how we need to try to put ourselves in the shoes of others. This is something I very much need to do in my work with Living Room. I need to remember what it was like for me to be depressed and unable to function well. Or what it was like to want to die. Or what it was like to need for someone to understand me. Actually, it's not too hard for me to do that, since I have experienced the pain of depression so often myself. Kind of a gift, isn't it, to be able to understand others who suffer? And I need to continue to be there for people who need me, to the best of my ability.

God has shown me his love again and again, through friends and through rescuing me from darkness. May I share that love with others.

Call me nuts

Today I'm listening to Christmas music while I'm baking. Call me nuts, but I think that's a perfectly okay thing to do.

At Christmas time everyone always talks about how we should celebrate Christmas every day. Why keep such a good thing reserved for only a few weeks of the year? Besides, maybe Christmas won't be so difficult to deal with if you celebrate it more often.

I've talked loads on this blog about how badly Christmas affects me. I think it's the stress of wanting to have everything perfect, yet being fearful of not reaching perfection. It's having expectations of yourself that are hard to achieve.

But if I started now, when it doesn't really matter a heck of a lot if things aren't perfect...Before all the craziness in the malls sets in...before the thick bundles of ads get dropped at our door...before the pressure of doing it all...right now is dumped on me?

So...I'm starting to celebrate Christmas now, even before you, my American friends, have had your Thanksgiving. Even before Haloween.

I'm calling the party I'm having on the 25th of this month a "Pre-Christmas Open House." And I don't feel pressure. I feel a great desire to make this a wonderful happy affair with people from various facets of my life coming together to mingle with each other and to look at all the photographic items I've been working so hard on. I so look forward to it.

And as I prepare I will play my Christmas music and celebrate. And I will keep celebrating for the next two months. Merry Christmas everyone!

Think I'm nuts?

Creating with a purpose

I've almost finished all my photography projects for the open house coming up on October 25th. My next project is going to be baking for it. I'll start as soon as I have a spare hour or two (not in the next couple of days).

All this made me think...about something I've known for a long time: doing creative work is so much more fun when there's a reason for doing it, when there's a purpose for the work, a good purpose. And being a fundraiser for a church ministry gives it a very good purpose.

I don't normally bake much. Don't really enjoy it. It makes such a mess of the kitchen. But now, knowing what I'm doing it for, I'm eager to begin. Have started planning what recipes to use. I want to make lots of tarts, cookies and squares and freeze them. I've invited at least 100 people to the party and we'll need lots. I don't expect all the people I invited will come. Have no idea how many will, so I'll have to be prepared. There will be an exciting end purpose for all my preparations and that makes it fun. It energizes me.

And when I think of it, I would never have wanted to make all the cards and bookmarks if there were no reason for doing it. I would not have done all this work just because. So much more fun to have it all culminate in a big party with neighbours and friends from all the different facets of my life.

My 95 year old mother feels the same way. She has been crocheting baby afghans, one after another and only now that she has decided to donate them to the sale is she finding real joy in it. She now has a purpose for what she does. Everyone needs a reason for doing the things they do.

The party is less than two weeks away now. It's drawing closer every day. How I look forward to it!

This bookmark is one of the twenty or so designs I'll be selling.

Mental illness and the church

I've been wanting to blog - much to tell you about, especially now that it's Mental Illness Awareness Week. But it's been hard to settle into it, though I will soon.

For now, though, I'd like to alert you to a superb article written by Frank Stirk for BC Christian News and canadianchristianity.com. Much of the article talks about my Living Room ministry. I'm excited about this. Happy about this, and hoping it will go a long way to reducing some of the stigma in the church. Please do have a look and pass the link on to others.

See you soon.

What I learned from the suicide loss group

Second post in a day. Not often I do that. But there's something I learned from the suicide loss group that I want to share. In fact, I feel like broadcasting it everywhere.

I don't think any of us realize just how much we're loved. And especially not when we're depressed and our perspective is off. Even when we're told we are loved, we tend not to believe it. We can't take it all in.

And yet the love I saw expressed by those 24 people gathered to talk about the children, spouses and parents they lost showed me how much the people who took their life were loved so very deeply. The people who died might not even have realized it. What a tragedy!

And it makes me think of the people there. They probably didn't even realize how very deeply they loved. They didn't realize how much pain they could suffer.

I think we love our family and friends far more deeply than we realize. When we're so busy with our lives and there are so many activities and "stuff" to distract us from remembering our appreciation for each other we perhaps start taking each other for granted. We forget to let each other know how much we love each other. And we so need to do that.

Let us love God and one another - God's greatest commandment, and for good reason.

Drawn closer

A wonderful thing came out of the meeting with the suicide loss group on Sunday night. My husband and I have drawn closer as a result.

It was so good that we were able to be there together, both of us hearing all the stories of loss and the love these people expressed for those who had taken their lives.

Wes and I came face to face with what this might mean for him, were I to take my life, as I had so wanted to in the past. I came to see the incredible pain it would cause him. And he came to recognize how he can't take me for granted. He came to recognize how real such a loss could be. And me? I would never want to inflict such pain.

I pray to God that I will never be so self-centered that I will forget these things I learned....And yet, the reality of it is that when such emotional pain comes it's pretty hard to think beyond it.

Yesterday I was going through a hard time because of a friend's troubles. I was so worried about her and felt that I was the cause of it. I had been honest with her about something - though in a loving way - and she couldn't handle it. I caused her great grief. Now I feel I shouldn't have told her the things that I did. I so regret it.

Now I'm hurting too. But Wes has been so good. So understanding. So caring. He's so "with me."

Yes, that suicide loss meeting - though a tough experience - has done wonders for our relationship. I thank God for the opportunity to be there together with Wes and for what it has taught us.