Creating with a purpose

I've almost finished all my photography projects for the open house coming up on October 25th. My next project is going to be baking for it. I'll start as soon as I have a spare hour or two (not in the next couple of days).

All this made me think...about something I've known for a long time: doing creative work is so much more fun when there's a reason for doing it, when there's a purpose for the work, a good purpose. And being a fundraiser for a church ministry gives it a very good purpose.

I don't normally bake much. Don't really enjoy it. It makes such a mess of the kitchen. But now, knowing what I'm doing it for, I'm eager to begin. Have started planning what recipes to use. I want to make lots of tarts, cookies and squares and freeze them. I've invited at least 100 people to the party and we'll need lots. I don't expect all the people I invited will come. Have no idea how many will, so I'll have to be prepared. There will be an exciting end purpose for all my preparations and that makes it fun. It energizes me.

And when I think of it, I would never have wanted to make all the cards and bookmarks if there were no reason for doing it. I would not have done all this work just because. So much more fun to have it all culminate in a big party with neighbours and friends from all the different facets of my life.

My 95 year old mother feels the same way. She has been crocheting baby afghans, one after another and only now that she has decided to donate them to the sale is she finding real joy in it. She now has a purpose for what she does. Everyone needs a reason for doing the things they do.

The party is less than two weeks away now. It's drawing closer every day. How I look forward to it!

This bookmark is one of the twenty or so designs I'll be selling.

Mental illness and the church

I've been wanting to blog - much to tell you about, especially now that it's Mental Illness Awareness Week. But it's been hard to settle into it, though I will soon.

For now, though, I'd like to alert you to a superb article written by Frank Stirk for BC Christian News and canadianchristianity.com. Much of the article talks about my Living Room ministry. I'm excited about this. Happy about this, and hoping it will go a long way to reducing some of the stigma in the church. Please do have a look and pass the link on to others.

See you soon.

What I learned from the suicide loss group

Second post in a day. Not often I do that. But there's something I learned from the suicide loss group that I want to share. In fact, I feel like broadcasting it everywhere.

I don't think any of us realize just how much we're loved. And especially not when we're depressed and our perspective is off. Even when we're told we are loved, we tend not to believe it. We can't take it all in.

And yet the love I saw expressed by those 24 people gathered to talk about the children, spouses and parents they lost showed me how much the people who took their life were loved so very deeply. The people who died might not even have realized it. What a tragedy!

And it makes me think of the people there. They probably didn't even realize how very deeply they loved. They didn't realize how much pain they could suffer.

I think we love our family and friends far more deeply than we realize. When we're so busy with our lives and there are so many activities and "stuff" to distract us from remembering our appreciation for each other we perhaps start taking each other for granted. We forget to let each other know how much we love each other. And we so need to do that.

Let us love God and one another - God's greatest commandment, and for good reason.

Drawn closer

A wonderful thing came out of the meeting with the suicide loss group on Sunday night. My husband and I have drawn closer as a result.

It was so good that we were able to be there together, both of us hearing all the stories of loss and the love these people expressed for those who had taken their lives.

Wes and I came face to face with what this might mean for him, were I to take my life, as I had so wanted to in the past. I came to see the incredible pain it would cause him. And he came to recognize how he can't take me for granted. He came to recognize how real such a loss could be. And me? I would never want to inflict such pain.

I pray to God that I will never be so self-centered that I will forget these things I learned....And yet, the reality of it is that when such emotional pain comes it's pretty hard to think beyond it.

Yesterday I was going through a hard time because of a friend's troubles. I was so worried about her and felt that I was the cause of it. I had been honest with her about something - though in a loving way - and she couldn't handle it. I caused her great grief. Now I feel I shouldn't have told her the things that I did. I so regret it.

Now I'm hurting too. But Wes has been so good. So understanding. So caring. He's so "with me."

Yes, that suicide loss meeting - though a tough experience - has done wonders for our relationship. I thank God for the opportunity to be there together with Wes and for what it has taught us.

For a friend

Please trust that God will change your darkness into light. Please know you're loved. We all care about you. I look forward to a coffee with you. Please let it be soon.

Love and the pain of suicide

Hi everyone.

I gave the talk to the suicide loss group last night. And they shared their stories of pain at losing someone close to suicide. It was an emotionally charged time of three hours sitting in a circle - 20 to 24 or us. So many tears and I so deeply felt their grief. I still feel the emotions they left me with.

I spoke well, telling them what it's like to live with bipolar disorder and what it's like to be so depressed you want to die. I shared honestly, totally myself, transparent.

In the morning at church I prayed over this meeting. I prayed that God would help me share his love. And He did that for me.

Although this was a secular group I did tell the group a bit about my faith and how it helps me to survive. About how I need God. How could I not? But I did not dwell on it too much. We needed to address their feelings more than anything.

They were grateful to me for sharing and I was just as - or maybe even more - grateful to them for their sharing. I needed to hear and see the kind of pain they were suffering because I have considered suicide at times. I needed to see how their lives were forever changed by their losses. And I don't want to do that to the people I love.

God, please help me not to be so self-centered when I'm depressed that I forget the pain I could cause those who love me to suffer. Help me to remember - though it may be hard - that people do love me, even though my depression might tell me they don't.

The picture I'm sharing here has nothing to do with suicide. But it shows the bond of mother and child and love in the midst of pain.

I prayed for God's presence last night and He was there. His love was there in that circle. He was amongst us.

Thank you, God.

It's a good morning

I felt like this preparation for the talk on Sunday was such a hurdle. Just couldn't apply myself. Yesterday afternoon I felt like everything I had to do was so complex and difficult. I had really started feeling quite down.

But in the early evening I sat outside for awhile with my cup of coffee. I asked God to please help me. Amazingly, after that I felt refreshed and ready to try again. I sat down to the computer and got a lot done.

What I'll do is read small portions from my two books here and there to fill out the talk. Although I don't believe a person should read a lot within a presentation, some things are best described in well planned words, like I have in my books. Besides, what I read will give people a taste of what's in my books, in case they'd like to purchase a copy.

This morning, once more, I sat outside and all the complicated stuff I'm dealing with now seems manageable. I'm ready to tackle it all. Thank you, God!

Speaking to a support group

I have something coming up at the end of this week that is not going to be the most straight forward challenge to tackle. I've been invited to speak to a group of around twenty people who have lost a loved one to suicide. They'd like to hear from me what it's like to live with a mental illness.

The thing I'm most worried about is how they will hear me. I don't know what it's like to be in their shoes. Will I be able to be sensitive to what they're dealing with?

One thing for sure is that I will encourage them to talk to me as well. As a person who has considered suicide herself, I need to hear what it might be like for the people left behind were I to die that way. Perhaps we could get a discussion going.

Thinking about it now and considering where the people in this support group are at, I can see that taking your life is a selfish thing to do. And yet, self-centeredness can't be helped when you're in the midst of depression. The pain is so great, it's hard to get past it.

What the people who I speak to can give me will be just as important as what I can give them I feel. I hope we will all be sensitive to each other. I hope understanding will grow.

Confidentiality

I'm having a bit of a problem deciding how to treat a confidentiality issue. Is it right for me to even ask a Living Room member to have his or her picture taken for an article on mental illness and the church?

Our policy is to keep everything confidential, even who does and does not come to Living Room meetings. But I've been asked by the editor of a newspaper which is doing this article, an article which will include a lot about Living Room, if I would supply a picture of some of the members. Now I just don't know if it's right for me to even ask them. Yet the cause is so good. Maybe some of our members would like to do this to further reducing the stigma. It would be their opportunity to contribute.

Just writing about it here has helped me make up my mind. I will ask one or two people and make it very clear they don't have to feel they're letting me down if they don't feel comfortable.

Enthusiasm for photography

My enthusiasm for photography has come back in a big way. It was slow in coming but now I'm quite eager to play with pictures again, especially focussing on using photos to make notecards and, especially, bookmarks.
In my bookmarks I get to combine my love for the written word with my love for photographs.

I'm also starting to revisit some of the photography I've done in the past. So I share with you today a few pictures of older people. I had made these in an effort to show that old people still have a child inside them. It was a project that I had hoped to publish but came to a dead end. But now I can publish them here, online. The wonders of the internet! Don't you just love it?

Awareness grows

Hey! This is post number 400! Think I should do something special to celebrate? Maybe go out for dinner? Have a bottle of bubbly tonight?

Maybe I should just write a good, hopeful post.

I had a one hour interview yesterday with a writer from a major Christian newspaper. One of my recent Living Room updates that I sent to facilitators and facilitators-to-be had filtered down to this paper. They were impressed enough to decide to publish a feature article about mental illness and the church. The Living Room story should occupy a good part of that piece. Yes!!! Living Room is doing its stuff, some of the stuff I was hopeful it would do, helping churches realize they can, and need to, help people with mental illness.

I, together with a couple of others, am working on updating the manuals. That will be followed by an updating of the website. Both these things will have to be done quickly now so that all is done by the time the article comes out in early October.

I've been holding back writing about Living Room, waiting for this updating to be done. Don't want to send people to the website until it's where it should be. It would be wasted energy to send them there at this point. All my publicity will have to wait for a wee time.

And, by the way, the problem with my friend I wrote about in my last post is getting ironed out, thank God. I don't like upsetting people. And I don't like losing friends. Peace and harmony is far better.

Undying life

Today I was, once more, drawn into a place that felt ugly. A problem with a friend to whom I had lovingly talked about something she really needed to know. She didn't take it well and dumped a vehement response to it on me. I think I have lost a friend. I'm not used to being spoken to in an angry way like that. Guess I've been kind of sheltered that way...or I just have an awfully nice bunch of people in my life.

So here I am again with another time when I need to "move into God's Presence," that wonderful phrase my good friend inspired me with only a week ago.

I am living in God's presence when I'm in His kingdom, a place governed by His rule. The kingdom of God is the place where everything that God wants done is done, all things working for good. It is a place where we can share in what God wants to do in the world. It is a place where life is eternal, starting now...today.

Dallas Willard, in his book The Divine Conspiracy: Rediscovering our hidden life in God, quotes a beautiful version of John 3:16:

"God's care for humanity was so great that he sent his unique Son among us, so that those who count on him might not lead a futile and failing existence, but have the undying life of God himself."

So what can I do to help build God's kingdom, making this world a better place today? How can I live fully within an eternal life, even when I lose a friend?

I could live each day as a gift, where even the smallest creative act counts. I could make some more notecards, I could blog, and - oh yes - in between I could and should get my laundry done :) I will put on some good music and place myself in the Kingdom. I will do something good and wash away the bad.

Moving into...

Several days ago I was stuck in a pit, feeling dark and ugly. When I talked to my good friend about it, she said to me, "At times like this you need to move into God's Presence."

I know it doesn't sound like anything really that special for someone say, but it worked wonders for me. There's something about the verb "move" that is powerful. At least it was for me that day. To "move into His presence" is highly active, much more so than "being in His presence." "Placing myself in God's Presence" could have had the same effect. It's up to me to act, to do, to make the move from the depths to the surface. Yes, I thought, just do, Marja.

I started working on my notecards...or maybe it was the bookmarks. When I do that work (or should I call it play?) I feel I'm part of God's Kingdom. It's a good, positive thing to be doing. It's colourful; it's satisfying. The work feeds me. And it did again this day. Being creative does that for you and God did make us to be creative people - in His own image.

So...if you're feeling somewhat down, why not try to "move into God's Presence?" Put on some worship music and putter within that peaceful place full of light. That place where you know you're loved and cared for. That place where you'll give your Father pleasure.

Preparing for christmas

A few days ago I wrote in my private blog about how I had played Christmas music, hoping that getting used to that music would anesthetize me to it when Christmas actually does come along. Then I came to think it was probably not such a balanced thing to be doing. Pretty crazy, eh?

And yet...This morning I'm again listening to Christmas music, just a bit. The songs talk about peace for one thing and isn't that a good thing? And people always say how we should have the spirit of Christmas all year long. So then isn't it a good idea to play a bit of Christmas music outside the Christmas season as well? Just a bit to remind us. Just a taste of it.

I will start pretending it's already somewhat Christmas time. Then when it truly comes it won't be such an adjustment.

Sorry to be talking about Christmas already....again! Didn't I just do that a few posts ago?

Cleaning day today. Then I will visit my Mom. Then some Living Room work. And hopefully some work on my notecards and bookmarks. Tomorrow dear hubby comes home from his fishing trip. It will be good to see him again.

Poor Mom

My poor 95-year-old mom called tonight from her nursing home, very upset about the care she is receiving. She complained about being treated as a child, with disrespect. She is incontinent and needs to be helped with washing up. What that does to her sense of dignity!

Mom was moved to the floor she's on right now because she had been fighting with other residents. She has a very bad temper. And, as they always say, when you get older you become even more of what you were before. She had been hitting people and even ramming them with her walker. She gets SO angry.

Now, just from hearing her talk tonight, I feel she has probably been fighting with her nursing staff. Hard to deal with. The kind of person everyone comes to hate.

I try to help her understand how she needs to be forgiving. How she needs to cooperate. How she needs the care they're giving her. But it's impossible to talk any sense into her. Maybe I'll have to visit more often and try to give her some counselling. I wonder if that could make a difference.

Quite a day today: Mom as well as a couple of other people in trouble today - people who needed to be listened to. But I did do a fun photoshoot. This has been a day of many colours.

(The picture is of a 100-year-old taken years ago. Not my mom.)

And I wonder...

I wonder if it's really such a good thing to even think about the possibility of depression returning. Shouldn't we focus on the good stuff? If we keep our eyes on the good stuff - making beauty happen, being thankful for what we have, doing the things that make us grow - we wouldn't even have to think about depression, would we?

The Bible says it well in Philippians 4:6 and 8:

"Do not be anxious about anything...(and some more good stuff)...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

That's where I'm at this morning. Looking up, not even wanting to glance down.

Avoiding depression

Susan, the Wellness Writer, has been blogging about how to stave off depression. This is an important topic for me as I look forward to the approaching fall and Christmas season.

As I've said in previous posts, I've already been thinking about that season and wondering how I could possibly avoid going into a depression again. And I've been wondering if this will be possible for me. In spite of having written two books about coping with bipolar disorder, I still have a lot of problems. I've only in recent months been able to return to a normal me, after at least a six-month roller coaster ride which started in November last year. Obviously I worry about this happening again.

Susan says yes, I can. But I will have to have a good recipe for my day to day living. Susan's personal plan includes:
1. Hypnotherapy
2. Therapy
3. A sound, vibration and light healer
4. Learning to garden and volunteering to garden at a school
5. Working on a photography project with others
6. Exercise
7. Spending time with friends
8. Developing hobbies to do alone
9. Making her living environment brighter
10. Changing the way she celebrates the holidays with her family.

My plans?
1. Counselling on a monthly basis
2. Change my attitude - stop dreading Christmas, but look forward to it, planning fun things
3. Make Christmas presents
4. Make photographic items and have an open house so people can see them and purchase them if they wish (proceeds going to a church ministry)

Hey! I seem to be focussing on Christmas here! That wasn't my intent before I started writing. I had meant to talk about depression in general. But I do have Christmas on the brain now-a-days. Not good eh?

How can I avoid the dip I experienced on Sunday from grabbing hold of me and becoming full-fledged depression? I'll try to write about that tomorrow.

Keeping within limits

The holidays I had this spring and summer showed me how good it is for me to take time out to relax. They showed me how important it is to keep my life in balance. I decided to try not to get overly stressed again. I need to avoid getting depressed again.

A friend who I love and respect has promised herself not to do more than three big things in a week. She too tends to get into doing too many things, especially things for others, and becomes overwhelmed. Mind you, she doesn't have a mood disorder and is better able to cope than I am when that does happen.

This friend has become an example for me in many ways. I like the way she shepherds the people in her Bible study groups, caring for those who need it. In many ways I've come to live my life like her, at least in the way I care for people. (There are many ways in which I haven't followed her example, like in keeping a well organized house, though I'm working on it.)

I've followed her example, telling myself I'll only do three big things involving other people in a week. But something happened without any intention on my part. This coming week I have seven things planned - important things. UGGH!!! How did I get into this? How it does creep up on you, eh?

I need to take myself in hand. I need to be more careful. But it IS amazing how things crop up. Will have to try to whittle this down. I need to keep some time for myself.

Thanks for listening to my complaints. But I'm hoping that by writing here about this I will be able to commit myself to better live within my limits.

Christmas in August

I've been thinking so much about Christmas lately. Planning already. Trying to sort out how I can make it a good time instead of the horrid time it was last year.

For so many years now I've had a hard time dealing with Christmas, the stress of it always causing depression. I hate all the pressures that come with it, all the traditions that need to be lived up to. My life is busy enough as it is, without Christmas. Just can't deal with all the extra time and energy Christmas requires.

And yet I believe in celebrating the idyllic Christmas. I want that. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from myself to make it that way?

Anyway, I'm preparing for it now, hoping that I will sidestep problems when the holiday time is truly upon me.

How can I celebrate Christmas this year, without bringing on the depression tha comes along with it? Those thoughts are with me all the time now-a-days. I'm making plans.

I've started my Christmas shopping (though only one item so far). And I'm making notecards and other photographic items, planning to have an open house near Christmas when I can show them off and have them available for sale. I'll probably do that towards the end of November. The proceeds from the sale will support a church ministry.

Making the notecards is something I'm very much enjoying. It's a wonderful creative exercise, an outlet I really need. Something to distract me from the mental health work that tends to consume me. A healthy hobby.

I'll be making most of my gifts. If there weren't a Christmas time I wouldn't have as good a reason to be creative would I? And isn't Christmas all about being creative? The baking, the cooking, the decorating, the entertaining.

Christmas. I will look to the positive in it. I will look forward to and plan the good. Starting now. Little by little.

A balancing act

Life is a balancing act, isn't it? Trying to find balance between work and play, solitude and being with others, quiet times and busy times. I've been working hard to find such a balance now-a-days.

My last holiday showed me how refreshing it is to have down times - times away from responsibilities, times to spend in a book or just quietly reflecting. I remember how depressed I was for so long, how hard it was to get motivated. Today I feel very motivated. I've once more got lots of irons in the fire. But I want to stay motivated and not become overwhelmed with it all. I want to make sure I take lots of down times to keep myself fresh as well.

As you know, I get up very early in the morning, so I do have some valuable down times then. Time to spend with my Bible and in prayer. Time to remember what's important to me and what I most need to spend my time doing.

My mental health work, especially Living Room, takes up most of my time and energy. This is what's most important to me. It's what I believe God made me to do. I also have a 95-year-old mother who needs my attention on a regular basis. I need to spend time with my husband. Then there's the household. And there are my friends. And my reading, so important for my growth. ...and then there's my blogging, something that I've unfortunately had to slow down on considerably.

I want to keep the refreshed feeling I had following my last holiday. This means that I will have to be careful not to get too busy and to keep some time for myself.

The last two weeks were very busy. To make up for it I'm trying to keep this week quiet. I need to do some creative work, something I had promised myself to make time for. I want to print some of the photos I took on our holiday. I also want to turn some of those photos into drawings. They might become Christmas presents. Christmas??? Uggh! Hate the thought.

Someone to come alongside

I shared something with Living Room facilitators and supporters that I thought would be good to share here as well.

One thing that contributed to the depression I've recently recovered from was that I felt overwhelmed by all that Living Room brought me: people to support, interest by others - far and wide - to start up a group. A few weeks ago I even heard from someone in Pretoria, South Africa, eager to start a group.

"This kind of work is not something a person should be doing on her own," I thought to myself. I felt alone and burdened, finding myself unable to do more than absolute essentials. Depressed. I felt a need for a team, or at least a partner, to come alongside me and walk with me through this adventure and its responsibilities. I complained to my church and asked for prayer to help someone materialize.

And here I'll quote the letter I wrote to Living Room supporters last Thursday:

"God answered the prayers of my friends, but not in the way I had thought He would. My depression did lift and I learned to trust God again. Once more He gave me a 'firm place to stand,' as He has so many times before. And God showed me that my thinking had been all wrong. I'd had entirely the wrong perspective. Living Room is not my own work at all. It's God's work. And I am the one who has to come alongside Him. That's the kind of trust that Living Room was built on. That's the kind of trust in God that gave me the courage to do what I've carried out up to now. God is the One who created Living Room.

"The beautiful thing is that I no longer feel alone. I no longer find the work a burden. Amazing what trusting God can do for you, eh? With Him all things are possible. Through Him our weakness can become strength."

Images of life or death?

Hi everyone,

We've been back from our holidays for several days now. About time I wrote a post, eh?

First of all I want to thank Paula Joy, Merelyme, Di and Nancie for your kind good wishes when I went on vacation. And it WAS a wonderful time we had. Two days of busy photography sessions at Barkerville and the rest of the time total rest at a lake 26km off the main highway.

The time at the lake was so absolutely quiet, the bees and insects were the most notable sounds. And that humming came to sound almost as good as the songs of the birds. The bees did not bother us and we saw only the occasional mosquito. Lots of damselflies and a variety of butterflies. Oh yes, I guess we were a couple of times surrounded by cows. And their muching of the grasses was very noisy. And they did crash around a lot in the trees behind our site. But a little dog belonging to a neighbouring camper chased them away when they became a nuisance.

Our favourite place to photograph at Barkerville was the cemetery, a most interesting place. Some of the graves have been there since - well, the oldest one had a date of 1863 on it. The neat thing was that long ago plants had been planted there and, with no one to care for the graves (this WAS a ghost town), had all grown wild.

I loved photographing there. Found it meaningful in some way, though I can't put my finger on why that is. I've included some to show you here. Are they images of life or death? To me they're images of life - beautiful weeds growing in profusion all around the crosses.

Do these pictures say anything to you? Can you help me find the words to express what's so special about weeds and crosses?

Down the road again

I need to write just a bit to let you know that tomorrow we are, once more, off on a trip. We truly are taking advantage of our motorhome this year and I'm finding it very good to have those breaks away. Used to be I'd be too lazy or simply not motivated enough to do all the work getting ready to go. But the last couple of trips were so good, so beneficial to my mental health, that I look forward to it more and more. And it's good to have those times with my husband. The only thing that worries me now is what am I going to do when the summer is gone? I'm so enjoying the good weather and the opportunities to get outdoors.

I look forward to the time this holiday will give me to read. Perhaps I'll even be moved to do some writing. I'll also bring my camera and sketchbook. Isn't that what heaven should be all about? The opportunity to learn from the thoughts of others. The opportunity to be creative, to use the gifts God has given me. These are things I need to make sure I always make time for, even when I'm not on holidays.

There used to be a time when I wondered what possible use there could be in doing artwork. Wouldn't my time be better spent doing God's work? Doing "useful" things? But I'm learning that God made us to be creative people. He had good reasons for this.

I'm starting to look on the creative work I do as a form of worship. What better way to worship than to lie on the ground, focusing your camera on a little wildflower, admiring its beauty, wanting to share that beauty with others? What better way to worship than to watch a baby's every expression as you spend time photographing her?

Earlier this week I photographed a toddler. I didn't do as well as I'd like, but the experience of spending time with this little girl, fully attentive to her, was wonderful. I will have some more wonderful times making the prints.

So early tomorrow morning we'll be off again, for ten days this time. See you all when I get back. Hope that you too will find the time to do the things you best love to do.

A butterfly visits

I think I'd better write this story before I go to Curves. I've been meaning to tell you about this for days now, but first I wanted to make sure enough people had a chance to read my previous post. After that I always found some things I considered more important to do. However, it will give me such pleasure to share this with you. Mustn't wait any longer.

On our last holiday with the motorhome we stayed at a lake in an out of the way place, 26 kilometers away from a major road. Very few people live there and only the occasional car or logging truck passed on the gravel road. There was only one other party camped at the lake and they were at the far end of the campground. We didn't even get to meet them.

One afternoon, while my husband was out on the lake in his boat, catching his many fish (it's a very good lake for that), I was sitting in my comfy chair reading a fluff book. (A "fluff book" is what my friend calls a book that entertains but does nothing much else for you.)

The air was clean and warm with enough of a breeze to keep the mosquitoes away. Not too warm either, just comfortable. I listened to the sound of the many birds in the trees and bushes around me. I felt at one with nature. I felt God's presence.

At one point I looked down at my left hand as it held the book and, at the base of my thumb, noticed a tiny, pale blue butterfly with dotted wings. I sat very still and it stayed there for a bit. Then it moved to my forearm. Then to the front of my Tshirt. Finally, after this little visit it flew away. I was delighted, even more feeling united with nature, united with God.

My husband doesn't believe in God and he cynically said, "Do you believe God told that butterfly to come to you?" But no, that's not it at all. It's just that I sensed God's presence in it and the rest of all nature that surrounded me that day. God was in the trees and in the birds and in the breeze. He was in the warm sunshine. He was in the butterfly. And I became part of all that. God was in me too.

Quiet time with God

For some reason I've come to love the outdoors more than I ever have before. I was always an indoorsy kind of person. But this year, with the good weather here, I've started sitting on our patio early every morning, even before I get dressed. Our patio is like an outdoor living room. We're so fortunate to have it. And here I sit for a couple of hours, starting around 6 am (sometimes even earlier), with my coffee, journal, and Bible.

I listen to the many different birds, chirping and calling around me. I enjoy the flowers. I feel the freshness of the air - maybe a slight breeze. And I thank God for it all. And in that quiet I sense God with me in a very real way.

So many times, in my small group, I've expressed a desire to feel God's presence. I've struggled often with it. Now I've found that sitting quietly in the midst of nature, fully aware, helps me to feel God's presence. I feel at peace.

I write a bit in my journal, read a few verses in my Bible, and I talk to God about whatever comes into my head at the time, both in words that I speak in my head or write in my journal.

Because I start my quiet time so early, I don't need to concern myself with what I need to get busy with. My stomach will tell me when it's time to have breakfast and get the rest of the day moving. No need to worry my mind over the day.

Each morning is like a little holiday. Each morning is time away from my worries. Each morning is time with God. It refreshes and prepares me for the day.

I was going to tell you about a little blue butterfly that came to visit me, but got side-tracked. That will have to wait. It's a delightful story, so I hope you'll come back to "hear" it.

Praying that you will find peaceful times too.

Stability

Yesterday morning I was reminded of the fact that I will never be a completely stable person. I thought God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friends, bringing me to a return of joy and - I thought - stability. However, I've discovered that the great joy I was feeling was actually a bit higher than I should be. I started organizing all kinds of social functions - four within five days. Looking at my calendar, I realized I was going overboard - not very stable at all.

I called my pdoc and he has adjusted my medication: less prozac and more loxapine - quite a bit more loxapine. The need for this saddened me. I felt frustrated, knowing that - once more - my feelings, those very good feelings, were not a normal thing. Frustrated that the wonderful joyful feeling wasn't anything to be too happy about.

Yet today, sitting on my patio in the early morning, God helped me see that none of us are really stable. What I should have prayed for was a stable "place" - "a firm place" - to be. I should have asked for God's strength to be with me - God, the bedrock underneath my feet.

And I do have that strength today. I feel motivated. Today those giddy feelings of my heart dancing within me are somewhat subdued. So thankful for that, even though it had felt good. Yet it's kind of hard to accomplish things when you're so drunk with joy as well.

One thing that this dramatic mood change has given me is a deeper appreciation for God's power. If I were always stable and comfortable wouldn't I end up taking God for granted? I now realize the only person who is truly stable is God Himself. He's the only constant one. If I trust Him, He will give me what I need to do the work He has for me to do.

Sheer happiness

Wow! Over the past little while I have found out what happiness truly feels like. I've been removed from that feeling for so long that and I've become so unfamiliar with it that I actually feel kind of high, though my friends say I'm acting quite normal - just the happy Marja they haven't seen for a long time.

Looking back over the past 8 months or perhaps longer - perhaps much longer - I can see that I've been depressed, even though at times I thought I was doing alright. I wasn't doing alright. I had forgotten what it was to be truly happy.

Truth of it is that my husband had to help me with many things that I should have been quite capable of doing on my own. I've needed him so much - with cooking, shopping, cleaning, paying bills. For a long time I've been avoiding shopping, buying only as few things as I could get away with. No big shopping lists for me. Though the motivation only completely disappeared during the times I was extremely low, which happened a lot, I was very often only moderately motivated. And at those times I thought I was doing quite well. I was coping.

But things could have been much worse. I was able to keep my commitments. Living Room continued, though I had to lean on others to do the devotionals a few times. I was able to keep supporting people, though there was one time when someone asked me to pray with her and I had to tell her I couldn't. I was having too hard a time myself.

I'm grateful that God brought me through as well as he did. I'm grateful I have a ministry that is of utmost importance to me, one that gives me a purpose to live for. I'm grateful that I was able to keep clinging to God, even though I didn't always trust him as much as I should. Grateful for my husband and friends who supported me. Yes, things could have been much worse.

Today I know what joy feels like. I'm energetic, motivated. Eager to continue the work God gave me to do.

With other people in place to carry on the responsibilies of my group, I'll have time to spend the next while doing some of the broader Living Room work. Work on the manuals, the website, and - hopefully - some more writing.

I thank God for where he's brought me. God IS good.

Is this the "normal" me?

First of all I'd like to thank Susan, Paula and Tart for your best wishes while I went on a little holiday. Didn't get them until I got back, but it was nice to come home to that, knowing you were thinking of me.

I want to write about how much better I'm feeling, but think it would be best if I simply copy here an email I sent to some friends letting them know:

"Helen, shortly before we left on our holiday I wrote this to you: "Helen, I don't know what's normal for me anymore. I've been abnormal for so long that I can't figure out who I'm supposed to be."

Wes and I had a wonderful time away. A good time together. It has been a long time since I've felt as good as I have lately. This started in the days before our trip (when I wrote the above) and was especially so while we were in the Chilcotin. I woke up each morning with the old familiar feeling of joy and gratitude for my life. I feel so much more alive than I have for a long time. I feel motivated and strong. And I know this is the work of God in me, the result of a lot of prayer. I want to thank you so very much for your prayers. It's amazing how God works.

When I woke up each morning with my heart dancing within me I suspected I might be getting manic. I asked Wes how I seemed to him but he told me that I've simply become the old Marja again - enthusiastic and very alive. So this is who I'm really supposed to be? So this is what's normal? If that's so, that person has been "lost" for a very long time. But neat how God helped me not to suffer too too much. I was able to function most of the time - though not as well as I should have - but I also went into the depths many times.

Several weeks ago I wondered how I would be different once I emerge from these episodes. Because you can't go through this stuff without changing somehow. I've always found it that way. That's why - after it's all over - I never regret having gone through it. When you're in the pit you can't think of anything except that you want to die. Yet I DO come out of it and God refines me through the experience. I do believe God has a purpose for all I go through. Today I'm so much better equipped to help people like S.... I so know the feeling of riding a roller coaster, helpless to make it stop. That feeling of hopelessness. Hard as it is, I need these experiences now and then if I'm to do the work God has given me to do. I only hope he'll give me a rest from them for a while now. I need to have a chance to work. I need to be capable of strength for awhile.

While we were away I read about David's life in 1st and 2nd Samuel and I read the Psalms (esp meditated a lot on Psalm 18:20-24 in the Message). And I prayed that I could be like David - to have that kind of courage and fearless trust in God. It's something I'm working on."

Boy, do I ever need to visit all your blogs and catch up to how you're doing. I'm so sorry that I haven't been feeling up to it. I haven't been able to put too much in my life lately. Hope I will do better now.

Off for a few days

I'll be off for the next week or so, camping in our motorhome - my husband fishing, me reading and drawing. It will be good to get away once more.

Recent days have been good for me, especially today. I'm taking a little loxapine at night now to help me get better rests at night. This morning I slept till 6:00 - much better than waking up at 3 or 4 as I have been.

Today I feel quite normal, hardly depressed at all. Yet I guess I'm a little fearful too. So many times I've started feeling well, only to drop down again a couple days later. How long will this good mood be with me this time?

But I guess I should be more positive and try to expect that I will one day be a stable person again. I'm praying for a more lasting wholeness. I want to get back to work again.

Bedrock under my feet

Darn! I just saw my GP and there's nothing physically wrong with me. This excessive sleeping I've been doing is "all in my head" - due to depression. My sleeping pattern has been weird lately, symptomatic of depression. I wake up at four or five (six is normal for me) and don't go back to sleep - till the middle of the day, and then I feel like I want to nap all the time.

The sleeping, and the result - not accomplishing anything - is depressing. Or is it the other way around? Is it that I don't feel like doing anything, feel depressed, so escape by sleeping?

And yet I have some good times thrown in there as well. I'm really trying to line up things for myself to do, things that I might find stimulating. And yet it is too often hard to motivate myself.

I feel best when I'm around people. Had a wonderful time at church on Sunday. That morning set the tone for the rest of the day and my husband and I went for an outing, the kind of outing we used to take when we were younger. It was a good Father's Day for him.

A friend told me how wonderful Psalm 18 is, especially in The Message. When I went to it I was especially taken with the very first verse. I've had my Bible open to it ever since and look at it often. It encourages me to trust in God - to trust that He will give me a "firm place to stand."

"I love you, God - you make me strong. God is the bedrock under my feet."

Walking on water - Part 2

A couple of weeks ago I told you about the Bible study Living Room would be starting today, John Ortberg's "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." It's based on the story of Peter, leaving the boat in the midst of a storm, walking to Jesus.

There were six of us at this first session. More people will be joining us in the future.

I've been so looking forward to this study, knowing I needed it to help me rebuild my trust in God. Knowing I needed some spiritual food. My friend Helen is facilitating and she is an excellent teacher, a spirit-led person. Her influence has been a big part of my growth, ever since I first started going to her studies and since she became my friend and mentor.

I've been praying a lot over this study, believing that God would answer, that he would help me rebuild my strength with its help.

God did not let me down. By chewing with the other participants on what it meant to leave our boat and what it meant to focus on Jesus and trust in him, I do feel strengthened and encouraged.

After today's lesson I can see that I've been focusing too much on my troubles, my illness, my waves. I've been focusing on those instead of on Jesus and the work God has given me to do. And when you focus on the waves instead of on Jesus, you tend to sink - you start thinking of what's within your own power instead of what's within God's power.

Tonight I feel bright awake - alive. What a wonderful feeling!

In good hands

Thank God, Living Room is in good hands. We had a volunteer offer to coordinate and facilitate the July and August meetings. And many hands have offered to help with all the other details, like the lunches.

I've had some good days and then some bad. On the bad days, I don't necessarily feel dark, but all I want to do is sleep. And then it's hard to motivate myself to do anything. That lack of motivation is very discouraging and - yes - depressing.

And I wonder: I've been struggling like this for over six months now. How much longer will it continue? When I'm down, I lose all hope. Will I ever be able to get off this roller coaster? Am I doomed to continue the rest of my life in this condition? When can I truly pick up my work with enthusiasm again?

This morning I meditated on Philippians 4:6-7. "The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

And in verse 8, Paul talks about all the excellent and praiseworthy things we need to think about. Good advice. Please, God, help me cling to these verses today.

I have some things lined up to do today. That is good. And I'll see my GP about this excessive sleepiness. Might it be a physical problem? My thyroid maybe?

Spent

Isn't it interesting how something dying can actually be quite beautiful - expressive? I photographed some dried up roses today because they said something to me. A person might think I'm depressed to take such pictures. But actually, I'm not today. Have had a good day.

Yesterday's Living Room was wonderful - at least, I felt wonderful being there with everyone. It felt like home. And though I was only leading a small portion of the meeting, it felt good to do so. Such a clear indication that God means for me to do this work.

I've decided to take a holiday from the organizing of Living Room for the summer months. But when asked, no one wanted the meetings to stop for the summer and most of the people at the meeting offered to help out - to make sure it keeps running without me. Good to know the group is so important to them.

I look forward to church tomorrow. My first service in three weeks.

Up and down

Hi everyone,

It has been a long time since I posted. Things haven't been good. Every once in a while a good day and every once in awhile an absolutely horrendous day.

I am grateful for the good weather we've had. I've been able to spend the early morning hours sitting on the patio, listening to the birds, enjoying the flowers, aware of God's presence. Those times have been healing.

I've discovered that one of my worst problems lately has been Living Room. This ministry that always gave me such a feeling of joy has become a burden. I feel very alone with the responsibility - and it is a big responsibility.

Is it the depression that is making it feel like a burden? Or is the burden causing the depression? I'm not sure what it is. I just know that I need a lot of prayer right now for someone to come alongside me to share in the work. I need someone who will share this vision with me.

My own group isn't a problem. I have lots of help there. It's the bigger picture of Living Room - the raising awareness within the church - the helping churches learn how to support people with mental illness. That's where I feel I very much need support.

Every once in awhile my mood dips very low - dangerously low. And then, one or two days later, I'm coping again. Never know how I'm going to wake up in the morning.

And yet I know I need to trust God. I need to remember that he is in charge. And I need to remember to keep talking to him - aware of his presence, grateful for his love and his goodness. I'm trying to cling to God as well as I can.

I'm grateful to Wendy and Susan for your emails - for your concern for me. I appreciate your thinking of me and your prayers.

Walking on water

Still struggling, but working on getting away for a week's holiday. Time away from responsibilities - time with my husband - time to focus on books - perhaps a bit of knitting.

Starting on June 19th Living Roomers are going to have an opportunity to take part in a Bible study by John Ortberg with the title - "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." It is based on the story of Peter leaving his boat in the midst of a storm and walking on water to meet Jesus. What does this story mean for us?

"Walking on water means
- facing your fears and choosing not to let fear have the last word
- discovering and embracing the unique calling of God on your life
- experiencing the power of God to accomplish what you would not be capable of doing on your own."

I've been doing some cheating - reading Ortberg's book to become familiar with what we will study. And I can see how what he says applies to my life right now.

The depression I've been caught in is like my boat - in a stormy sea, scary, feeling like I could sink anytime - without God, relying on myself. But Jesus is waiting for me out on those waves, waiting for me to have the courage and to put forth the effort to meet him and to trust him. I need to leave this boat. I need to want to leave this boat. I need to trust that God is waiting for me to walk to him in faith.

Studying this book is encouraging me.

This will be my last post until I get back in a week.

The importance of purpose

After a couple of days of sleeping through most of the day, and after a full night's sleep last night, I awoke this morning feeling more positive. I feel ready to start rebuilding. And I am grateful that God has brought me to this place this morning. Were the many hours of sleep God's gift to me, helping me through a difficult time? Perhaps.

A few minutes ago, I watched my cat as he washed himself in a shaft of warm sunshine streaming through the window. And it occurred to me how we humans need so much more than animals do. Animals are content with eating and sleeping. They don't seem to need much else in the way of purpose. But we humans require more than that to be complete. We need a reason to live - a reason that goes beyond acquiring food and rest for ourselves. Without such a purpose life seems meaningless. And when we're depressed and it becomes difficult to pursue a meaningful purpose, we often get so we don't want to live anymore. Lying in the sunshine is not enough to keep us happy.

At the last Living Room meeting two people who were living with depression complained about the lack of purpose they were experiencing. Purpose was what they needed more than anything. How they wished for a reason to get up in the morning! How they wished for something that would give them an appetite for life!

It struck me how this is what we most need help with when we're depressed. How can we help each other find meaning?

In the throes of a black mood, I had breakfast with a good friend yesterday. She ended up our time together asking me what I would do the rest of the day. She asked me to commit myself to filling the dishwasher and getting it going and also to emptying my clothes dryer which had been waiting for my attention for a number of days. She gave me these two items to give some purpose to my day. Something manageable. It occurs to me that this is one of the best things a friend can do for a depressed friend. This helped me find a purpose for that one day. It wasn't much, but it was something I was capable of trying for. No more was required of me for this one day.

Today I feel up to more. I will empty the clothes dryer (which I didn't manage to do yesterday) and I will do more. My dear, patient husband has offered to support me as I catch up on some things I need to do. I will make a list, a simple one for now. And I will putter, thanking God for this better day.

To live with hope

I haven't found the stability that I had hoped for. Am once more on a downward spiral and it gets quite tiresome. Every time I find some hope, I fall down again. One step forward and two steps back.

And although I know my problem is medical, I also know that spiritually I'm not in a good place.

The beginning of Living Room and the growth of it was God's doing. All I had to do was to be God's voice, hands and feet. I was just a little foot soldier, following along. And that's what made it successful. The sense of failure I now have I can tell is simply because I'm looking at Living Room as "my" work and not "God's" work. I feel I'm not wise enough or strong enough to carry it. If I were in the right place spiritually, I would not feel this way. I would rest in God. I would let Him do His thing and follow along - trusting.

I pray today that I will learn to trust God more. I pray that I would look to God for strength and not to myself.

On June 19th we're starting a Bible study for Living Roomers called, "If you want to walk on water you've got to get out of the boat." Peter got out of the boat to walk to Jesus. But when he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the waves, he began to sink. He thought in terms of what "he" was capable of on his own. He looked to himself.

I've been taking my eyes off Jesus. Looking at my own lack of wisdom and strength, as though that's what it's about - as though that's what I had to depend on. Yet that's not what it's about at all. It's not about me and what I can do. It's all about God and what God can do. I can do nothing without God.

A smaller cocktail

I saw my pdoc yesterday and he has reduced my medication cocktail - taken me off two meds. I've been having huge tremor issues (very embarrassing) and trouble with short-term memory. Now I'm only on four meds, much better than six.

Trouble is, I woke up at 3am and couldn't sleep again.

The flupenthixol I take as an anti-psychotic is a stimulant and it's now making me feel like my old self. Happy and energetic. It feels very good. And my tremors are not bothering me as much.

Now all I need to worry about is getting enough sleep.

Nevertheless, I love this up feeling. I should be able to accomplish a lot.

The ride for mental health

Yesterday was a big day for Mel Thomson, the man who is going to cross Canada to raise awareness about mental health and raise funds to help people with mental illness. I'm excited about this and will be following him over the next 100 days. Please check out his blog . Thanks to the internet we can follow him and send words of encouragement. Let's cheer him on. He has many hills ahead of him, much tough riding. But knowing there are people to cheer him on will really help.

Meds kicking in?

I'm so pleased. Today I actually seemed to feel more like my old self - a self I had not felt in quite awhile. It's probably because I've gone back to my old treatment regime - to the cocktail that worked so well for me in the past. My pdoc said it would take a couple of weeks to kick in and I think it's starting to do that now.

How wonderful it would be if I could stay like this for awhile! I'd be able to accomplish so much more. I'd smile a lot more. I pray that I will now have turned around - back to a more stable me.

Tomorrow we're going to Saltspring Island to visit my sister. We'll be back on Monday. Hope the weather will be good.

And I hope the sun will shine on you too, wherever you might be.

Mental health and churches

There is a relatively new website called Hope and Healing. It features many different articles on faith and health. Today there is a wonderful interview there with the author of Darkness my Only Companion, Kathryn Green-McCreight, a priest who has suffered with depression. She gives some very good pointers on what congregations can do for their members who have mental illness. She also talks about what we can do for the family of a suicide victim.

Another article on their home page is an excerpt from my book, A Firm Place to Stand. In Misconceptions I talk about how people with bipolar disorder and depression are misunderstood by family and friends.

Good reading for Christians who want to know how to be supportive to their friends with depression.

Building - carving

I was thinking tonight of how much I love to make things happen. To build something that hasn't been built before. To carve something beautiful.

And I'm thinking, I AM building something. I AM carving something. And if I can keep my mood up like it is tonight, it WILL be beautiful.

I completed a Living Room brochure and have high hopes for it doing a lot of good. So many places we could put it. So informative it would be for people wanting to know more.

Now I just have to find a way of printing it. It's in colour and I realized today it would cost a fortune to print. Like 65 - 70 cents a piece!!! What did I do designing such a thing? Why didn't I think of printing costs? Uggh!

But I will find a way, even if I have to print them all myself, using my printer at home - s-l-o-w.

I've been stable for several days now and I'm hoping I'll stay here for awhile now. I want to keep building and carving and shaping. How much difference a good mood can make to one's life!!!

An up day

I can't let a post like yesterday's stand, not when I'm feeling better, as I am today. So please don't worry about me - not today.

I read a couple of emails I sent to friends yesterday when I was in the depths and can't believe that was only yesterday morning. I feel so far removed from those feelings now. What a crazy illness this is!

Today I saw my pdoc and I'm happy he's putting me back on the medication cocktail I was on when I was doing much better, several months ago. During those times I had been so stable with only occasional depression - maybe two biggish ones a year. It will be so good to get back to that more stable me again. I'm feeling very hopeful tonight.

I spent this morning creating a Living Room pamphlet, something we so very much need to tell people what our support groups are all about. Accomplishing that was in itself an encouragement - a mood booster. In fact, I feel hugely good about it!

Tomorrow we'll have Bible study at my house so my next goal is to do some cleaning. I'm not very good at housework but having company is a great incentive. So I guess I'd better draw this post to a close and do some "real" work.

Changing gears

I've been experiencing a long series of mixed moods. This has gone on for weeks now and I'm getting pretty tired of it. Feeling okay for one or two days, then feeling down for a couple of days. Those mini depressed episodes can bring me down seriously low. I'm finding I constantly have to change gears.

I'm trying to do some positive things - some creative projects - hoping to boost my mood, hoping to reactivate me. Better than just lying around, I suppose, but so far it hasn't worked too well.

Today was a down day and as I look at all the things I'm committed to this week, I'm feeling worried I won't be able to handle them all. Not unless I can wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I have to pray for an up day tomorrow.

Too often I feel like withdrawing from everything, just hiding or disappearing altogether. Can't see how I can do all that's on my plate.

My negative thinking is affecting me bigtime. That's probably the worst of it. I struggle to hang onto my faith. I question my worth. I question whether God can still use me.

My pastor pointed out Psalm 42 and 43 to me this morning and they're an encouragement. At the end of each, David wrote:

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

And as I go through my depressed periods, I need to say to God: "...and yet I will praise you, my God and Savior."

Tomorrow I'll see my pdoc. See what he can do to help me.

In the meantime I need to give myself into God's hands and trust Him.

Hawaiian fruit salad

Thank you Di and Wendy for sharing recipes for the booklet I'm planning. They really encouraged me to carry on with this project - a collection of Up Recipes for Down Times.

Just to inspire you a bit further and to hopefully draw some more recipes, I'll share another that I'm planning to use for the booklet. This is a refreshing dessert salad that is very simple to prepare, yet good enough for company.

Hawaiian Fruit Salad

1 pint fresh strawberries, halved
14 oz can pineapple chunks
2 bananas, sliced
1/4 cup flaked or shredded coconut

Drain pineapple, reserving 1/3 cup of juice.
Prepare fruits and combine with juice in a serving dish.
Sprinkle coconut over top.

Any more recipes? P-l-e-a-s-e?

Time for something new

For all my adult life, throughout my more than forty years of struggling with bipolar disorder, I've responded to certain kinds of depression by starting a new creative project. I'm longing to do that now. I long to leave behind some of the things that have been stressing me out and start a small, colourful project. Changing gears and doing something new and exciting is very therapeutic. Doing so has helped me through many hard times.

I've been tossing around two ideas for a long time now. Things that I definitely want to do sometime. Things that would be useful to a lot of people.

One thing I'd like to do is create an attractive booklet about how people can support their friends who have depression. This is such a mystery to a lot of people. Yet it's so important that friends be there for those who are depressed.

The other thing I've been longing to do is to produce a booklet of simple, colourful recipes for people who are sick - especially those with depression. I published a booklet like this many years ago and I keep it handy for when I'm going through rough times. I'd like to do up a new edition with some of the best recipes from the old one, but also new recipes. It would be fun to play around with recipes. Such a change that would be from mental health work! ...and yet it would help people with depression.

Right now - this moment - tonight I'm opting for the recipe booklet. Hope I stick with this now. I've been waffling back and forth so much over this.

Here's one recipe that would be in the booklet:

VEGETABLE QUICHE

10 oz pkg frozen mixed vegetables, defrosted
4 eggs, beaten
2 cups (200g) grated mozzarella cheese
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp dried basil or oregano
9 inch frozen piecrust

Place piecrust on cookie sheet and allow to defrost for 10 minutes.
In bowl, combine the rest of the ingredients.
Pour into piecrust and bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.

Would you like to help me? Do you have any very simple recipes that are tasty and healthy? If you do, please share.

Instability

Someone sent me a quote awhile ago by Patricia Deegan that I really like and that is really speaking to me now: "For those of us who have struggled for years...recovery is not about going back to who we were. It is a process of becoming new. It is a process of discovering our limits but also a process of discovering how these limits open upon new possibilities. Transformation rather than restoration becomes our path."

Today I wonder if I'm trying to reach beyond my limits - beyond what I can or should be doing.

I have a terrible time with tremors, caused by one of the meds I'm on. My pdoc is working on getting me off this medication. However, my moods have been very unstable lately. If you've been reading my blog you'll know that I've been on a roller coaster. Fine one day and depressed the next. Maybe I should just live with the tremors and opt for the stability and happiness this drug has offered me in the past.

Today I chaired an important meeting and, although I felt confident, I was shaking like crazy. Not everyone at this meeting knew me, so they must have had their doubts about me and my abilities. It does not look good for a leader to have tremors. It does not help people have confidence in you. And when I'm aware of them myself, I feel self-conscious which isn't good either.

And I wonder if all the stress that goes along with meetings like these, especially when I'm so emotionally unstable, is a good thing for my health. Maybe I should just dig in and quietly do my work at home, writing. Spread the news about Living Room that way. Or am I this moment thinking negatively once more? Am I once more dipping downward? I think I may be.

If I could only be stronger instead of having emotions that are constantly teetering on the verge of something.

I know one thing. I could never have brought Living Room to where it is without God's help. Living Room is God's work and I've just been a foot soldier, going where he told me to go. I need to continue putting myself in his hands and hear his voice and have him guide me. I need to relax and let go a bit. And I need to pray.

Maybe I've reached the limit and God wants to open new paths for me to follow. I'll have to see and be open to his leading.

Would I ever like to be stable and strong again!

Wishing for other-centeredness

Too often lately my mood has come down and I haven't know what to do with myself. I reach out to friends but haven't found anyone who can alleviate my emotional pain. Over the past few days I've decided that at times like that I really need to pray more - to reach out to God in the way I reach out to my friends. God can help in a way no human can. My relationship with God needs a haul-over I think. So over the past couple of days I've journalled more. I've written "Dear God" letters.

Today as I once more tried to get myself over a hump I wrote to God and in the writing came to a discovery (a message from God I'm sure) that I've been awfully self-centered lately. It's when I think of the things that bother me, turning inward, that I feel the worst. I've been thinking very little about what's happening in my friends' lives.

I don't think I'm truly depressed. Just bothered by a few situational problems that have arisen. If I could only think of others more and not turn my thoughts inward so much, one would think I'd be able to avoid total depression. I'm hoping so.

Although turning inward is a natural part of depression, I feel kind of ashamed for letting myself fall into it. Don't get me wrong. I don't blame those who are truly in the midst of depression for not being able to be other-centered. When you're in pain it's pretty hard not to turn inward. Yet when I'm on the verge and I focus on others, getting my mind off myself, I should be able to avoid full depression.

Don't you think?

Not a finalist

I didn't make it as a finalist to the Canadian Living Me to We awards. I must say, though, it was exciting - a thrill and honour - to have been nominated and I'm grateful to the person who nominated me for thinking of me.

This is a Living Room day. So looking forward to it.

Hope you ALL have a great day.

Will you vote if...?

I've been keeping a secret because I don't quite know how to talk about it. It's hard to talk about without sounding like I'm tooting my own horn.

Several weeks ago someone nominated me for the Canadian Living "Me to We" awards. It was because of my Living Room work, the church sponsored support ministry for people with mood disorders. There are now eight groups in Canada with interest being shown elsewhere.

I'm excited about this because it could mean a lot to Living Room. The winner of the award will receive $5000 for his/her favourite charity (Living Room, of course) and an article in Canadian Living Magazine. This would very much help more people get to know about it, perhaps encouraging more groups and encouraging churches to better support people with mental illness. It would help de-stigmatize mental illness. This is what the main purpose of my life has been for so long. This is what I live for.

Finalists will be announced tomorrow - April 24th - and voting will then start. If I'm a finalist, will you vote for me (and for Living Room)? To vote, go to http://www.metowe.com/awards/

Of course, I might not end up a finalist. Yet it was an honour to be nominated.

God loves loving us

I've got to share something with you here, something that came as a revelation to me and it might to you too.

I have a good friend who is a troubled person, having suffered a lot of abuse as a child and later as the wife of an abusive husband. She suffers recurring emotional pain because of this, yet I admire her for the courage she has had to survive. I love her dearly and tell her this often.

Yesterday I told my counselor what it meant to me to tell my friend how very much I love her and how I love to hug her. It gives me a wonderful feeling to do that. She's the sponge and I'm the water, pouring my love into her.

My counselor said something that had never occurred to me before. If I love showing my love to this friend so much, imagine how God must feel when he loves us as much as he does. We can't "...grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." (Ephesians 3:18) Imagine how good God must feel when he pours his love into us - such broken people - and when we accept that love like a sponge soaking up water.

Do you get it? Do you understand? All of us are broken people - needy people - thirsty for God's love. Yet it can be so hard to truly own that love.

When we express our love to others, we can think of God and his love, and let that love flow through us to our friends. And in the process we experience God's love.

Understanding this was very comforting.

Imagine...a weekly living room

My Living Room group is considering having weekly lunch meetings. Currently we meet only twice a month for our regular meeting and lunch. We were having Bible study for the other Fridays, but they met later and did not include lunch.

We're hoping that having weekly lunches, alternating between regular meetings and Bible study, will encourage better participation and just a friendlier atmosphere. There's a wonderful German word, "gemutlichkeit," which describes the feeling you get from friendly, cozy get-togethers with people you get along well with. This is how Living Room is. This is how our Bible study time could be as well.

Lunch with people you can relate to every Friday. Gemutlichkeit every Friday. Weekly support. How neat that would be!

I've presented the possibility to my group. Now I only have to wait to hear the response and see if the idea will fly.

A few days away

Just want to let you know that my husband and I are going away with the motorhome till Monday to have a change of scenery and relax a bit.

I've enjoyed the extra bit of blogging I've been doing this week. Hope I'll be able to keep it up, because I do enjoy sharing my thoughts here.

Hope you all keep well and enjoy the weekend.

Love and its power to transform

If you'd known me forty years ago when I first got sick;
then twenty years later when I decided to rely on God's help for survival of depression and psychosis;
then five or six years ago when I received the support and inspiration of people in the church I now attend;
to the time just under three years ago when I started my Living Room group, you will see how I have, step by step, been dramatically changed.
And I continue to change.

I've been thinking about what it is that transformed me and continues transforming me. And I have to say it's my relationship with God, knowing that he loves me. It's love. It's God's love revealed to me by the people in my life. And it's God revealing himself to me when I show my love for others. Yes, when I express my love for others I find joy and I find God.

The Bible says, "No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." (1John 4:12) It also says, "Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." (1John 4:7b)

We experience God's presence when we love others unconditionally. And this gives great joy and will change us.

I think that's why we feel God's presence so well at Living Room meetings. We share his love with each other - fully accepting each other. That's why I feel such joy when I go home after meetings. It's a very true but mysterious phenomenon.

With the comfort we have received

The need for support when we have bipolar disorder is proving to be an important topic of discussion. Yet there seems to be no definitive answer. The answer seems to be different for everyone.

Over the last couple of days I've felt okay - especially after some prayer with a friend. I've been steady. Yet right this minute I'm a bit fragile - truly a bipolar thing, eh? Don't worry please, though. Though I've appreciated all your comments and support, things are not that bad at all.

We need to be more concerned about people like Brenda who has lived in blackness for some time now. I've known that kind of blackness and feel for her. She needs a lot more support than I do. I do hope you'll visit her and get to know her.

And I'm so grateful for Susan's support, online and off. She has been a great friend. She too knows thoroughly what depression is like, though I think you're more worried about me than you need to be, Susan:) For more discussion on the topic of support I hope you'll visit her site.

But maybe I'm feeling as well as I do right now precisely because I've had such good support.

I believe that the comfort and support that we receive from others is God-given. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 is so applicable to all this. Through the comfort we receive from others, we can turn around and comfort others.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

Thank you all for being there. Let us continue to be there for each other.

Finding support

It's common knowledge how important it is to have a support system in place when you have a mood disorder. Actually, everyone alive needs some kind of support system. I spoke in my last post about how hard it can be to find people who will listen to us and support us when we're going through a depression. But we need people of all kinds - for all phases of our lives - if we're going to stay well.

What kind of support do I need? These are the ones I've come up with, though there may be more. They're not in any particular order.

1. I have a full life and a mind that overflows with ideas. I need people who will listen to me as I debrief. I am close to these people and call or email them often.
2. I need people who will listen to me when I'm in deep trouble - people who will comfort me and pray with me.
3. I need my husband, a partner who eats, works, and plays with me.
4. I need friends who have the same disorder as I do - people who understand me fully.
5. I need people to support, because that takes me out of the victim role and helps me feel good and strong. In the giving I receive.
6. I need friends who share my writing and photography interests.
7. I need friends to just have fun with - to have over for a barbecue or go out with.
8. I need family to do family things with.
9. I need a pastor and a counselor in whom I can confide.
10. I need a psychiatrist who respects me and looks after my medical needs, considerate of my opinion and desires.
11. I need woman friends to have discussions with about life - to give encouragement to and receive encouragement from.
12. I need fellow Living Room facilitators to discuss problems with.
13. I need to have a close relationship with God.
14. I need online friends who will read my blog and make comments.

Where can you turn when...

My roller coaster ride will not stop. I don't feel so depressed that I don't want to do anything. Just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

Trouble with me is that I feel a need to reach out - to draw comfort from others. Yet that kind of comfort is hard to come by. No one wants to hear another's complaints. What can they possibly do? My husband has compassion and that's so good. I thank God for him.

What puzzles me is this: When a person feels so down that they become suicidal (not me at this moment) they are told that they should reach out. They're told they should let others know how they're feeling. Yet how many people really want to be told how crummy a person feels? How many people truly know how to feel compassion? Depression is a lonely state to be in for sure. It's hard to find support that satisfies.

Right now I find most strength in carrying on with my Living Room work. I draw comfort from knowing I'm doing things that will help others. In being sensitive to the needs of others I forget myself for awhile.

My prayer is that I will not focus on my own needs so much that I become self-centered. My prayer is that I will be other-centered - to love as I wish to be loved. There's comfort in love - whether we give or receive. Let us love one another.

And I mustn't forget. God is always ready to listen and to comfort if I will with open arms receive him. I need to pray more. I need to not forget to pray and to spend time with God.

Activity is the answer

Seems I'm not in a serious enough way that I can't get myself doing things. And when I get into an activity I quickly start feeling better. Thank God!

My husband and I have continued our spring cleaning. We're - actually he is more than me - really into it. This house was truly a huge mess. We've felt for such a long time that we need to work on tidying it up. What if we died? My poor son would have quite a time of it. That's something we do need to consider, isn't it?

Today I finished cleaning up the counter in the darkroom and emailed a couple of people who want to buy darkroom equipment. I'm sure I won't be using it anymore since I print everything digitally now.

So...I've found out I need to putter at activities - yet not so much that I wear myself out too much. I'm so fragile right now. But putter I will. We've rented some movies and I look forward to watching "Doubt" tonight. Heard that it's good. Now I will make some cinnamon rolls from a kit I got at Costco. That will make my hard-working husband happy. Another good coping skill: Do something for others - be other-centered.

Roller coaster

Life has been a roller coaster ride of moods for me lately. I don't know what's going on. The tiniest thing will make me feel depressed. And then I don't know what to do with myself. Things very quickly start feeling hopeless.

Guess I shouldn't be surprised. That's what bipolar disorder is supposed to deal out to you. That's what I have to live with.

I wonder if it has been worse lately because my pdoc has changed my meds for something "better." Something that won't cause so many tremors. He's concerned about the tremors. I am, after all, a photographer. But I'd rather not photograph and live with the tremors, I think. These moods are painful.

Several days ago I considered the unthinkable. I don't want to spell it out, but I think you'll know what I mean. Then on Monday the sun came out and I worked in the yard and sat and read in my muskoka chair. Everything was okay again.

Then, yesterday, something bothered me terribly. The situation was later resolved and I felt better again. Today the Good Friday service really got to me and down I went again.

I'm glad I've got this blog where I can talk about it. My friends would tire of my complaints. I don't want to bother them anymore. Though it would be nice to have them pray for me during this unstable time.

Jesus' subversive spirituality

I'm reading The End of Religion by Bruxy Cavey, the pastor of The Meeting House, "a church for people who aren't into church." I've been reading quite a few books about Jesus' radical nature and find them exciting.

The Christian church has gotten hung up on so many rules and traditions, most of them having nothing much to do with what Jesus was all about. Established religion was exactly what Jesus was so against when he lived amongst us. Remember what he thought about the Pharisees and the Saducees? Jesus challenged the status quo of the day. I believe he would challenge how some of our religions have turned out as well.

So many Christians have forgotten what Jesus stood for. They've forgotten who they're supposed to be following. Too many think of their churches as holy ground where we should dress up and follow established ways of worshipping. Yet Jesus came to replace the Temple with only himself as the place where we encounter God.

Says Cavey:

"Jesus taught his followers to expect his own continuing presence to dwell, not within special buildings called churches, but within their relationships. He said that wherever two or three people gather together in his name he would be there with them. (Matthew 18:20) If you want to get close to me, says Jesus, get close to the people I love (see Matthew 25:31-46). Jesus seems to be saying that God's presence is best experienced in the sacred space that exists between people when love is offered and received rather than in special buildings or pious places."

I'm not so much against religion, per se, or different styles of worshipping. It's just that people too often forget to act out the meat of Christ's message: To love our neighbour and to love God. It's all about love, isn't it? Let us not forget to love each other.

Thank you for the encouragement

This morning I received a wonderfully encouraging comment from Wendalyn - something I very much needed to hear. God's answer for some of what I've been going through, I believe. Wendalyn wrote: "Your words serve a purpose that you may never even know about. I believe that as we speak from our hearts about how we are experiencing life, others can be so easily touched by God without our even being aware of it.
Keep speaking from your heart!"

Lately I've felt hesitant to speak from the heart. I feel I have a reputation to uphold and am afraid to write with all honesty. I am, after all, a leader and should come across strong - at least that's how I think. As a result, I've posted very little. Yet I need the support of fellow bloggers like Wendalyn and I've missed my blogging community's support. (All my fault, I know.)

Blogging has always helped me deal with my mood swings. In an effort to help others, I've managed to find the good in the bad. That can at times be difficult to do though and then it's just easier not to post. I try to talk to friends instead. But it's not fair to go to friends too often. They soon feel stifled. Yet I feel the need to talk so much. My thoughts are like a river that has to go somewhere. Does anyone else have that problem?

I have to be very careful not to lose friends, because that can happen, can't it? We talked about this at Living Room on Friday. Everyone had experience with friends rejecting them or abandoning them. What a painful meeting we had! It was so heavy.

My purpose for talking about this was to highlight Jesus' experience at Gethsemane. He was abandoned by his friends too - at a time when he most needed them. Isn't that what happens to many of us? But I also sought to comfort participants by reminding them how well Jesus understands our pain, because he has experienced it himself. When we hurt, Jesus hurts too. We're not alone with the pain.

My message of hope and comfort was over-shadowed, though, by the bad memories the devotional brought to the surface for people. And I feel bad about that. I feel responsible.

I hope to email a more positive message to the people who were there. I hope to send a happy Easter message. But first I need to start feeling happier myself.

Twitter escapades

Well, I signed up for Twitter tonight. And what a time I'm having trying to find my way around - figuring out the how and what of the thing. I'm such a klutz when it comes to the internet and to learn new things on the computer. Maybe my age? But I still "feel" young.

After a week of feeling rather down, I'm now back to my energetic self. I got a lot done yesterday and today.

I'll probably be doing a presentation at a major bookstore and a signing at another bookstore during Mental Health Week, May 4 - 10. Now I'm trying to put together a press release that will do a good job of getting the word out to the media. The writing is not easy for me right now. I've done so little lately, my writing muscles are stiff and not moving very well. Yet writing is such an important part of my work.

What I would like to talk about is how the church can be supportive of people with mood disorders - especially by sponsoring support groups like Living Room.

Yesterday I heard about someone with bipolar disorder taking his life - someone I worked with on Living Room. Such a shock that was. With 15% of bipolar people dying by suicide the importance of good support is of utmost importance. I was deeply saddened by the news, but determined more than ever to do what I can to raise awareness.